Chapter 7 Chapter VII

I haven't written in a long time, and now I decided to pick up the pen again.Originally, this was written for the sake of Photon, so I thought it was over. However, I want to tell you all about what happened afterwards.Lying is so painful. I can only explain everything from the beginning again, so please bear with me.I'm really not good at picking what's necessary to focus on. A few years after Photon's death, I became a clerk in a building materials company. I'm still the same, I try to be as inconspicuous as possible while wearing a mask that makes it impossible to see that it's a mask, but the company is a colder and strange place than the school.Schools at least have the freedom to do nothing, to completely cut off contact with their surroundings when they please, but companies do not.

I sold myself for money, so I have nothing to say about being forced to work, but I have to participate in the inexplicable interpersonal relationships outside of work, whether I am willing or not, otherwise, it is impossible to do a good job in the company's structure. For example, when a colleague's only son died of childhood cancer, everyone gathered around the young member to express condolences. Some people said that they were too worried to fall asleep - some said that thinking about the impermanence of the world, they even lost motivation to work;Everyone was frowning, and some female staff even had tears in their eyes.

I also held the corners of my eyes with a handkerchief to cover my face, because I was afraid that the mask I was wearing would crack. I don't mean to criticize them for a colleague who is not particularly close, for a child they have never met, it is too strange that everyone is so deeply affected.No, what is really strange is that both the sympathizer and the sympathetic understand that it is actually a kind of acting. I don't understand why it's acting like a weird game. After everyone dispersed, the female staff immediately reapplied mascara while putting on make-up, giggling coquettishly.

I became a famous crybaby because I always covered my face with a handkerchief. When a female employee gets married and resigns, "Congratulations! I feel as happy as if I was hosting a wedding myself." "Even if we get married, we will always be good friends, and it will never change." When encountering this kind of scene where everyone is disgusting with each other, I will also cover my face with a handkerchief. When there was a confrontation at work and I didn't know which side to take, I also covered my face with a handkerchief. I was just tired, and I continued to cover my face with a handkerchief when I didn't want anyone to talk to me.

After about a year, I was kicked out of that company. I like to wander around every day. I especially like sitting by the window of a fast food restaurant or a bench in a park, staring blankly at the passers-by.When doing this, there will be a phenomenon that the core of consciousness falls into a deep sleep when you are clearly aware of the things around you. Should it be called a daydream?I dreamed of various situations. In my heart, the lily heart of Photon has not faded at all.There is always bright red blood flowing from the severed wrist, staring at me forever.Inside that photon, there are Yuriko, Xiaoman, and the little boy whose neck was pinched in the park, and everyone is there.

At first, only the ramen was left out.I figured it must be because I don't have any kindness towards ramen, I hate him. But one time I sat next to the crowd again, the core of my consciousness fell into a deep sleep again, and the ramen that I had completely forgotten appeared in my dream.I don't know why, because dreams are, after all, living creatures of their own free will. Ramen, in white overalls, rode up on a motorcycle with a rack in the back for hanging delivery boxes. ...Hi, hi, miss. When he came to me, he put his foot on the ground and said, ...I said you, why didn't you let me join?It's too much to exclude me alone.

I remember turning around to carry my ramen, the smell of noodle soup on my body.So from then on, he also became a part of Photon. Sometimes I also think that it would be better to be arrested for committing murder. Not based on guilt, I don't have that kind of thing from the beginning, but if you ask me what is it for?I can't answer either. I still don't understand the deaths of Ramen and Mitsuko, why the case was closed so easily?What the hell are the police doing?Did they really investigate the fingerprints and other evidence, did they treat these two things as homicide? Photon I did move a little at that time.I have the instinct of self-preservation anyway.Compared with the death penalty, being locked up in the small space of a prison scares me more. I am so scared that I am going crazy just thinking about it.

So I took my used utility knife and the plastic bag away, chose another one from Photon's utility knife, and put it in the pool of blood. But I also understand that Ye Tan's deception is nothing but self-deception.There are my fingerprints in many places in the house, and many people know that I am very close to Photon.If you really investigate carefully, you should find a lot of doubts. A recent study I read mentions that only a few percent of unnatural deaths undergo a forensic autopsy.Maybe the police have a tendency not to treat homicides as homicides at all?In fact, there are many murder cases no matter where they are, but most of those cases are like ramen and photon, they are dealt with before they come to the surface.

Day after day, I have nothing to do, even if I walk among the crowd, I feel that the chaos is far away from me.In a big city, even if you don't talk for a week or two, you can still live.During these completely silent days, I was immersed in a peaceful state of mind where my vocal cords were quietly degenerating. I can't remember exactly when it happened, but I sat on a park bench from noon that day and stayed there until dark. Late at night, I got up and walked slowly towards the road, and was stopped by an old man leaning on a car near the exit. "I seem to see you a lot recently!" the man said, and then he asked me how much it was.

Seeing that I was silent, he said, forget it, it doesn't matter, get in the car, and then get into the car first.His tone and demeanor were very natural, not like those people where I used to work. I also know that the man misunderstood, but he seems to give money, so that's fine.At that time, I had been out of work for some time, and my life was very difficult. In the room he took me to, whatever he did to me, I felt that was the way it was anyway, and I was at his mercy. The old man said he first met a whore who was a virgin and offered me a lot of money. At this time, I thought, maybe this job is more suitable for me than being a clerk.Anyway, both are selling themselves for money, the difference is only in what they are selling.The tactile sensation of flesh colliding with each other is indeed unpleasant, but even so, it is at least better than the pain of always covering your face with a handkerchief when you can't play a game of interpersonal relationships.

I naturally learned how to do it.When I need money, I approach men on night streets and ask them "What time is it?" I am often ignored. Even if the business is successfully negotiated, I have encountered situations where the other party cheats and refuses to pay. But the biggest advantage of doing this business is that it is not limited by time.You can usually live leisurely as before, and work when you are happy. For me, sex is like a disintegration job.In other words, it is to disintegrate oneself alive in order to sell meat.I grew used to being treated this way, but I could never get over the feeling that it was an anomalous behavior, but not painful at all. Speaking of this, I remembered that I used to open the body of the doll Yuriko at will and perform similar behaviors. Another discovery I made was that men are all trash.Just to pursue the level of pleasure at the moment of ejaculation, it is too uneconomical to be gifted with such a strong desire that almost smashes them to pieces.Don't they themselves find it contradictory and absurd? However, it is because men are such creatures that the profession of prostitution can exist. I change places from time to time, trying to avoid meeting the same customer more than two or three times and continuing to sell myself. This is a sneaky business with two people behind their backs, so as long as I think about it, it shouldn't be difficult to kill any guest casually.But I feel nothing but contempt for them, and I also understand that it is of no use even to kill such scum. Having said that, a lot happened in those years as a prostitute. some winter night.I said to the passing man, "Excuse me, what time is it?" The man replied with a thick and uncertain silence, which proved that he already understood my purpose. I took a closer look at that face, and it turned out to be the team leader where I used to work.It was the man who shook the shoulder of a colleague who had lost his beloved son and urged him to work hard. "What, what did you do? You're so thin, I can't even recognize it," he said. After I started selling, I was really out of shape, so I must have lost weight.Although she was not abused by customers, she always had bruises and wounds all over her body like a gymnast. Even so, the idea that this line of work is at least better than others has not changed. "How? Don't you do it? Do you want to go?" "No, uh, you're really doing this kind of thing? Nervous." The team leader scratched the hairline on his forehead with the tip of his index finger.Showing an expression that you can never see in the company, it makes that face look particularly human. "It's very cold here, anyway, let's go first. Go over there and stop the car." In the taxi, the team leader handed over three ten-thousand-yen bills, and after I accepted them, his hand went straight into my skirt.I opened the tunnel while putting the money in the purse. "You must have suffered a lot." I thought I was going to some cheap hotel, but I got off in front of the complex building of the previous company. "It's so late, no one should be working overtime." The office is located on the second floor, and every window in the building has lost light, only darkness. The sound of footsteps and wet breathing echoed as we climbed the stairs. "I've wanted to try it for a long time, hehe... on the desk in the office." The team leader fought, and I stepped into the dust and plastic smell of the empty office.The street lamps shining through the gaps in the blinds outline the interior scene in white. "How about it, it's still the same cramped place. Uh... Which girl's desk should I do it on?" I walk behind the man between the rows of tables, and I see the cylindrical garbage can next to someone's chair.Immediately, I picked up the trash can without any plan or intention, and for the first time thought of killing this man. I didn't care if the garbage inside fell out, I just swung the trash can and smashed it hard at the head of the man in front of me.There was a feeling of hardness and softness. He was taking off his coat, keeping his hands tied behind his back, and fell to the ground without humming. Although I did it myself, I was still stunned for a while because it was so sudden.This way can't make me feel Lily's heart. I feel as if I have betrayed myself and tainted Photon's death, and I feel very uncomfortable.If it weren't for the trash can right there, I would probably be lying on the desk without incident, letting the team leader dismantle me like every time in the past. Before leaving the scene, I was afraid that he would come back to life, so I knocked him several times with the bottom of the trash can. Halfway down the stairs, I stopped, thought for a while, and then returned to the office, using a silk scarf wrapped around my hair to wipe off the fingerprints on the trash can and the doorknob. In fact, there was another person who was killed by me on a whim in the same way. He was the first guest that night.For no apparent reason, I picked up the plaster cast of Venus in the hotel room and threw it at the sleeping man's head.I can't think of anything worth writing about the man who doesn't even remember his face. It's just that I found that I seemed to have developed homicide in places that had nothing to do with Lily Heart, which made me feel very uncomfortable. Whenever I see a news report about the arrest of a serial killer, I always wonder if that person, too, has been stalked by homicidal mania.Is it because I was neglected by my parents when I was a child, and I have physical and mental disabilities... the reason for these newspaper reports, so I was entangled in that kind of thing? They were all sentenced to death. Perhaps they and I should have been born in the Warring States Period.In that era, even if you were facing strangers, as long as you were in a hostile camp, you would be killed without mercy. If you got a habit of killing people, killing as many people as possible was the condition for becoming a hero.It must have been the same during World War II.The interests of countries are intertwined and entangled. Killing people is rewarded, not to mention the death penalty, and it seems that they can even get medals. I didn't even wipe my fingerprints when I hit the man with the Venus statue, and the hotel's surveillance camera caught me (but due to occupational diseases, I should have tried to cover my face as much as possible). Even so, I don't know how it happened, but I was not arrested. I should be arrested.Even if I don't feel guilty, I at least know that people like me shouldn't live.In other words, the problem is the country. But these things are all just my random thoughts, and I haven't thought about them. The same night I approached the same guy.The location is near the entrance to the park where the old man initially mistook it for a prostitute. "Excuse me, what time is it now?" The man walking with his head bowed stopped, looked at his watch and immediately replied, "Uh, nine fifteen." This reaction represents a lack of interest.If I was a normal person, I would definitely leave silently, but that night, I had already struck up a conversation with two people, but they drove them away mercilessly. "What time is it?" I ignored his answer and asked again. "Ah, didn't I tell you? Nine ten..." In the middle of his speech, just now his face sullen in shock, it seems that he finally figured out the situation. He just pursed his lips and prepared to walk over. "I need money." I said to the back.It's true, my living expenses are almost bottoming out. The man stopped in surprise, and walked back rummaging through his pockets. He checked his battered wallet and pulled out a five-thousand-yen bill. "I don't have much money, I can only give you so much." He handed over the banknotes, looking me in the eye for the first time, with surprise on his face.Probably because I look so haggard.Although it was not at the level of photons, I was obviously not sick at the time, but I was getting thinner day by day.It is not easy to attract customers with a thin body, so life is really difficult. "Well, miss, are you okay? Your face looks like..." The man tremblingly leaned closer to peek at my face. "Well, you're not starving, are you?" I am silent. "Troublesome, what should I do...ah, there is a restaurant not far ahead that I often go to, it's very cheap, do you want to go?" From the man's attitude, it can be seen that he blurted out without thinking, and immediately regretted it. But I thanked him and followed the man. In fact, I have no appetite at all, just thinking that after eating, if it goes well, I may be able to get this business.I'm so short of money that I don't mind getting dismantled for another 5,000 yen. The man seemed very frustrated, but he still reported his name as he walked, turning his head from time to time to confirm whether I followed. "It will be here soon." "It's just around the next corner." In the process of throwing these short words from time to time, he also resumed his vigorous pace. When I came to the short zebra crossing, I was about to take a step when the man's arm swung sideways like a fence on a level crossing and touched my chest. "It's dangerous." I, who was walking with inertia, touched his arm and was pushed back slightly by him, only then did I see a taxi passing by. When the man confirmed the approaching car from left to right, he continued to block me to prevent me from rushing out, and then lowered the arm fence. No one has ever done this to me. I cross the zebra crossing. "Look, it's right there. Although it's cheap, it's delicious." In front of the road, there is a small shop with a signboard with the name of the shop, and the smell of broth is wafting. At that time, in my heart, the idea of ​​not wanting to be dismantled by this man had sprouted. Should it be a conditioned reflex?Accompanied by the warm saliva, a long-forgotten feeling of hunger suddenly appeared. The next day, and the next day, when I was sitting in various places on the neck of the street gazing at the crowds passing by, I was half asleep, half awake, like a paralyzed daydream, and there would always be Najia's arm fence trying to block me. Such danger, a voice whispered.Danger...Danger...Danger... The voices sounded again and again, and they stretched out their arms to block me again and again. With the inadvertence of blocking the speeding vehicles for me, the arm fence is also reminding me of danger, trying to pull me away from many other things, such as everything around me that is full of unknown origins and full of twists, the small hole in the courtyard of Xiaoman’s house that wants to swallow life , the self who was involuntarily attracted by the darkness in that hole.I had such a dream. From time to time, I bit the cracked skin at the root of my nails as if thinking of something, while I was intoxicated in my dreams. After a week, the 5,000 won was spent. When I went to the park at night, I saw the man sitting on the low stone pier at the entrance. As soon as he spotted me, he strode closer. "Great, I thought you wouldn't come here again, hello." We stood facing each other with a distance of about one meter. "Uh..." He pursed his lips, thinking about his next sentence. I never took the initiative to refuse each other in the past, but if this man asks me to sell myself, I must refuse. He may have seen through my idea. "Ah, that's not what I meant." The man hurriedly raised his hand and shook it violently in front of his face. "I just want to ask you if you want to eat in that restaurant again. I've been thinking this way since last time, because your food looks very delicious, so I think it's good to eat together occasionally in the future..." Like last time, I thanked him and followed the man. Not only on this day, but every few days after that, the man would take me to dinner. In order to avoid that kind of thing from happening again, every time I stop carefully at the zebra crossing. Men seldom speak at meals or at other times.Judging by the expression on his face, he seemed to be listening to something that only he could hear. In addition to eating, the man also wanted to give me 5,000 won from time to time, but I refused every time. "Why? Didn't you accept it the first time?" One time, he asked this angrily.We left the restaurant and walked back to the park, where we were about to say goodbye. "That time I accepted it because I planned to do business." "If you don't do business with you, can't you accept it?" "I already eat and drink for free every time." "Then what do you usually eat, why don't you seem to gain weight at all?" I am silent. "Then, I'll make a deal with you. I can't afford to pay more, so I can only give you a five-thousand-yen bill." I got goosebumps all over my back and arms, which surprised me too. "I can't promise." "why?" "I can't do it with you." When I answered this, I had a very strange feeling. I immediately understood what was weird, I had never called someone "you", this was probably the first time.So I was almost overwhelmed by the unique feeling of saying "you". If you are a guest at work, you call him a guest, and you call me a photon. The acquaintances have their names, and the others are aunts, doctors, drivers, mothers, and policemen...Why is this so?Although I didn't deliberately avoid the second person. It was as if some kind of switch was flipped.The place prepared for the title "you" has actually been inside me from the beginning, and it seems to be tightly fitted with "you" at this time. Only this man is the second person, only you are you. "Don't get me wrong. The business I'm talking about is not that kind of business." After you hastily explained this, you began to explain: "Recently, I can't sleep at all, and I feel a headache. Whether it's reading a book or drinking, it only makes me more awake. When I can't fall asleep at night, I always think about sad things. So if it's not troublesome, can you spend an hour , go to my place and sit by my bed? I think I can sleep more or less if I have company. Sounds like a good-for-nothing kid, doesn't it. But at least I would never ask you to tell a bedside story to I listen." I accept 5,000 yuan and walk the night journey back to your residence with you.I deliberately took half a step behind, and from there, I observed the profile of "you" who became me. When I got there, it was just a shabby room, although it was better than my house. You turn on the stove and each have a cup of sweet hot milk, then you get under the covers and say again, you look like a child, right? "My parents had an accident when I was in elementary school, and they all died in an instant. I know very well that the blow at that time hit a certain part of my head, and I stayed at the elementary school stage." The room was very warm, and sitting on the edge of the bed, it was me who started to feel drowsy. After a long period of silence, your voice gradually became deep and muffled. "How old are you?" I didn't think about my age, although I thought it should be around twenty-two, but I was not sure, so I reported my birth date in the Western calendar. "Then you are five years younger than me." "Face……" You close your eyes so I can look at that face all I want. "Face?" You closed your eyes and asked back. "Your face looks sleepy." "Can you touch my forehead?" I did as I was told. "Ah, it's much more comfortable. The palm of a human being is really amazing, it seems to suck away all the pain." Between the palm of my hand and your forehead, the tiny particles of air vibrate slightly. "My mother always did this when I had a cold and asked for leave from school. Even if I didn't take medicine, the fever would go away immediately. My mother's hands are magical, hands..." A slight snore sounded, and then you suddenly woke up again. "Ah, don't forget to turn off the heater when you leave. It doesn't matter if the door is left unlocked... Thank you for today." Later, we will also go to the restaurant to have dinner together, and help you fall asleep if necessary. I will go to the park first every night to make sure you are here. If I don't come, I will change places, strike up a conversation with the man and ask him what time it is. In the days when I didn't meet you, I was still betraying myself, and you know this very well. If necessary, I will sit by your bed for several days in a row. During this period, I will not be able to work, but you will give me 5,000 won each time. Even if it is you, the patron is the patron after all. You said that about every two months there will be a period when you can't sleep at all.The beginning of that period was the hardest.You will be as pale as a sick man, and the undersides of the eyes will be black, and the periods of silence will grow longer. Even with two or three hours next to you, sometimes you just can't sleep.At this time, you will give up, tell me to leave, and apologize to me. But usually, in the process of talking about your childhood memories one after another, the voice will gradually fade away, and if you can't sleep until dawn, at least you will fall asleep temporarily. I looked at the unsuspecting sleeping posture, imagining the scene when I killed you. For this encounter, I can only have this idea, I only know the "killing" method of encounter. The reason why I didn't kill you immediately is because you are my benefactor.Because I didn't kill men who gave money too much in the past.As long as you continue to give five thousand yuan, it should be enough to be a reason for me not to kill you. I also know this argument is ridiculous.But if you continue to think about your phenomenon, there will always be unmanageable uneasiness and confusion.The mind is in a mess, and it is difficult to think normally. Whenever I put my hand on my forehead, you always close your eyes like a conditioned reflex, but you open your eyes halfway and look at me from under the quilt. "I've been thinking about why I feel so calm when I'm with you." This you have eyeballs of incredible color.I've read about the so-called hazelnut color in a book, maybe it's that color. "Are you atonement? Are you a prostitute to atone for some kind of sin?" It's the first time the word whore comes out of your mouth. I take my hand from your forehead. "It must be like this. We are all sinners, so the frequency is particularly suitable." "No, how could I atone for my sins." "Isn't it..." The gaze turned away from your ego is facing the ceiling, staring at it as if there is something hidden there. "You must think that I have a lot of strange things, right? Don't you find it strange why we don't want to sleep with you because we have been in the same room for so many nights?" "I said from the beginning that I couldn't do it with you." "Even if you say so, I will do it with you if I want to." "Because I'm a dirty whore." "No! That's not it... May I tell you what crime I've committed? So far, I've never told anyone." "Okay, you can say as much as you want." "I killed other people, children..." "I also killed four or five people." "Are you saying this to comfort me?" "No, I mean it." You ignored my words, and poured your strength between your brows for the next thing to say. "I'm... impotent." After uttering the sentence, you squeezed your lips tightly, but immediately added quickly. "Because of the crime I committed, not only did I sleep, but I also couldn't have sex with people." I don't know whether you are suffering because of impotence or because of crime, but although I don't know which aspect, I am indeed an incompetent person, and maybe that's why I feel compatible with each other. But then you start telling amazing stories. You killed an eleven-year-old boy. Many years ago, in order to help the child whose hat fell into the ditch beside the road, you picked up the heavy iron cover of the ditch, but you couldn’t support the weight halfway, and let the cover fall on the child who stretched his neck into the ditch body. How could such a thing happen in the world? "Where is the place you mentioned?" You answered, but don't ask at all, I'm well aware. Sweat oozes from all over my body and forms a thin film that clings to my body, and my skin becomes slimy like a frog. At that time, I was indeed strongly attracted by the boy whose life was hanging by a thread.As for the man who lifted the iron cover, compared to his appearance, what I remember is his raised and trembling neck and arm muscles.Also, I remember the man with curly hair about shoulder length. "What happened next?" "I was put on trial for wrongful death and was sentenced to probation. In order to settle the money, I sold the real estate left to me by my parents, and I finally got it together. Later, I became penniless and lived like this." Is there any connection between this person becoming "you" and that incident? The reason why you gave me 5,000 yen to pass me on the first day must be because of your guilt.In this way, if there is no such crime, would this meeting of ours also not exist? "Whenever I close my eyes and want to sleep, two thin legs will appear in my mind. When I press on a woman and desperately want to be one, I will also see the child's legs. Wearing blue sneakers, in On the ground, there was only one time...sudden force...a sudden kick." I have a good idea of ​​what guilt is like in theory, but I've never met anyone who actually suffers from it. "The child's younger sister saw it from the beginning to the end. I heard that his younger sister developed a severe panic disorder later. Not only his younger sister, but also his mother and his father were left with wounds that would never heal because of me. And , there was another girl present at the time. I had no time to look at her, but she was about the age of a middle school student. She happened to pass by and offered a helping hand, trying to help me prop up the iron cover. But I..." "What happened to that girl?" "When I came to my senses, she was gone. She must have also tasted a very strong fear. It was just passing by by chance, but that kind of sad experience happened. Maybe that girl also suffered enough to make her depressed. hit." Some kind of unknown hot air tickled my lungs, almost making it hard for me to breathe.As soon as I forced a breath, my throat trembled like panting. From the man's point of view, the so-called guilt seems to be strong enough to tear a person to pieces. "That girl must be all right." "how do you know?" "Because if it was a girl with a weak heart, she would not have helped to do such a dangerous thing from the beginning. That girl is strong." With a surprised expression on your face, you look at me seriously.Then let go of the arms wrapped around my chest, and gently pressed my palm to my cheek. "Thank you, you are so kind." Since then, I have been inexplicably unwell.Not wanting to do anything, nervous about everything, always in a state of motion sickness. I couldn't even eat at the restaurant I frequented, and even just opening the noren curtain at the door, the smell of the food made me sick to my stomach. It was you who said I might be pregnant.I have very irregular periods, so I never thought about it myself. And when I'm working, I've always used contraception.Because the client wants me to do this because they are afraid of getting sick. As for myself, whether I use condoms or not, I feel that pregnancy is a different-dimensional phenomenon that has nothing to do with me.Because my container has already been filled with Photon, Xiao Man, the little boy you thought you killed, and Ramen. Even so it happened. I didn't even know which man I was with or why the contraception failed, so I got pregnant just like that.How easy it is to get pregnant. After the result was confirmed, I didn't go to the doctor either. I think that the seeds lodged in this kind of broken body will flow away sooner or later even if I let it go, and besides, I don't have the money to have an abortion. I was taken aback when I found out you had other plans. "Let's get married. Get married and raise your baby together." You said that to me. It was one night when we were sitting opposite each other in the room drinking milk before going to bed. I choked right now. "Impossible, I cannot have children." "why?" "Letting me be a mother is really... so strange. If you do such a strange thing, many bad things will happen in the future. I am afraid." "When the child is born, whether it's strange or not, you will be the mother." "It won't be born, it will definitely have a miscarriage." "What nonsense are you talking about? There is no such thing. This child was given to us. We can only think that this is fate, so you and I will raise this child together." As if that was some special word, you said the word "fate" carefully. After killing a child, raising another child whose biological father is unknown is fate, you think. How is fate different from pardon?Are fate and lily heart the same thing?But does the so-called destiny exist?Is my fate yours? I'm in a turmoil I've never experienced before you came along. My stomach is getting bigger.I can no longer work. On the day of the marriage registration, you gave me a ring with a small sapphire, which is said to be a relic of your mother. At that time, we had moved to a two-bedroom apartment and started living together, and you also used the license you had to find a job in a decent company.You also categorically give up the irregular working life in the past. The baby was born on a rainy morning. The phone rang.The caller ID was a public phone, but it turned out to be from my brother. "What's wrong, where did you call from?" Maybe it was because I was suddenly pulled back to reality, and I couldn't help but blame. "Why are you so fierce? I just wanted to ask what's wrong with you? Why are you screaming like you're being strangled?" "Why did you call the public phone?" "I was calling from my grandma. There are a lot of people with pacemakers here, so cell phones are strictly prohibited." "Where's Dad?" "Don't mention it, he didn't seem to be feeling well, so he left just now. He said that there should be a taxi at the entrance of the entrance, and he should go there to take a taxi. Is he going to be okay? I think he looks pale, as if he wants to vomit." I thought of seeing my father looking seriously ill from the window of the coffee shop a few hours ago, but now I didn't even have time to worry about his body. "How long ago was it?" I let the notebook in my hand tremble angrily while questioning my brother. "About ten minutes ago." "Why didn't you notify me immediately?" "I can't help it. Dad will give me the stick, and I have to take care of grandma. Halfway through dinner, I can't leave grandma and run to make a phone call. Even if that's not the case, she won't eat well. Enough trouble." "Understood, I hung up." "What about you? Can you read all of them? It sounds like you wrote some unexpected big secret, right?" The younger brother smiled contemptuously, "It's your business if you want to get mad, but you can't Don't forget the promise. At the steakhouse from last time at eight o'clock." It was past six o'clock. If my father had left the nursing home by taxi ten minutes ago, he would have returned in twenty minutes.To be on the safe side, I'd better leave the house in ten minutes. At least take advantage of these ten minutes to read a little more, I will continue to read, but I can't even read it because I can't sit still. It's like being cornered in a dead end.In order to read the following, can I only repeat the old trick next Sunday?I really can't wait that long. I'm looking at the third notebook, and I'm almost done.After a brief hesitation, I decided to take the third notebook with me. I don't know if my father will check where the notebooks are in the next week, but even if he does, I don't think he will take them out of the brown paper bag one by one to check.Or should I say that's all I can pray for. Before putting the notes other than the third back into the brown paper bag, I picked up the fourth book that I hadn't read yet, and flipped through it casually.Only the front third is written, and the back is blank.Tempted, I glanced quickly at the end of the notes. There is a lot of space between the lines, and the handwriting is messy. You can't let me live. Only being killed by you is my salvation. because you are my you... Please never forget this. Even so, if you said that this is the magical reappearance of fate that day, and I can live to be embraced by you again, then I want to have another child. Instead of this child who will be killed, this time, I want to give birth to your real child. I think so. It ends here. I didn't have time to think about it, so I immediately put the three notebooks into the kraft paper bag, stuffed them back into the cardboard box, and closed the sliding door of the closet. 确认自己没有留下任何痕迹后，我走出书房。与来时一样目不斜视地回到玄关，穿上鞋子。