Chapter 6 Chapter Six

I was on the second floor of the coffee shop in front of the station, monitoring my father's arrival through the glass. There were a lot of people passing by, and I was a little uneasy that I might miss it, but around 3:30, a familiar figure wearing a polo shirt with an emerald green bag appeared.Although the waist is straight, the steps are not as strong as before, which made me realize that my father's condition is indeed deteriorating. Although there is no fixed meeting time, but in order to feed grandma with his own hands, my father always coincides with the five o'clock dinner time.

I waited a while to make sure he should have gone through the wicket before leaving the coffee shop. I hurriedly set foot on the road home, but hesitated to think to myself, it is still too late to turn back.If you really read it, it might turn into an irreversible situation. But even though I thought so in my heart, my body seemed to be constantly being pulled by the magnetic force of that notebook. I didn't salute and offer incense to my mother's photo. I rushed directly from the entrance to the second floor and stepped into my father's study.Maybe my father was still smoking before going out, and the room was filled with the smell of smoke.

Pulling open the closet, it still looks like it was in the same state as when I hurriedly stuffed things back the day before yesterday, and I feel relieved and feel relieved. I grab the white tote before removing the brown paper bag from the bottom of the box. The leather bag exuded a dusty leather smell, and the vague figure of the woman suddenly approached her eyes again.That woman in a floral dress smiling at me, maybe my mother.I always feel that she is probably already dead, and my biological mother... I don't even know how to feel about that mother. I exhaled, inhaled, and exhaled again, and I couldn't dawdle any longer.

I took the brown paper bag and went to the bright window and took out all the notebooks from it.Pick up the number two book and turn the pages immediately. For a while, I couldn't remember where I saw it last time, but the name "Photon" suddenly caught my eye.By the way, last time I saw the note writer walking out of the supermarket with Photon, who gave up the idea of ​​stealing... But as soon as I started reading, I almost dropped my notebook on the floor. The author, or should I say the "I" in the text is actually a woman!One place where this suddenly dawned on me was the reference to "my" clothing, and I stared at it.

If it was written by the father, it would not make sense... The thoughts that I thought about and thought about before fell apart in my mind. I just leaned against the window blankly for a while. When the sound of receiving the text message sounded, I suddenly realized that it was my brother. (I have met my dad at Yamato Koriyama Station, and now we are going to see grandma together.) (Got it.) I wrote back, but my fingertips were trembling ridiculously. If this is not a notebook, it is also possible that my father wrote some kind of novel pretending to be a woman.But for me, I can't think of it that way at all.I can't get rid of the "everything in this article is true" gut feeling.

Sure enough, this is someone's notes, some kind of confession, and if that person is not the father, then it can only be the mother.Otherwise who else? I fell into confusion, but I greedily chased the text and read down. "That's it? Let's go, I'll pay the bill together." Standing at the cash register was a young man who was so listless that it was doubtful that even if he found someone stealing something, he might pretend not to know. I'm not interested in Mitsuko, but I've always felt something similar to myself in her.I think Mitsuko's mask-like face is the antithesis of my efforts to be inconspicuous.

Is it because Photon is showing such an intimate attitude now that she has also noticed something from me?When I think about it, my heart beats faster for some reason. After we left the supermarket and walked side by side on the promenade, Photon tore open the bag of popcorn he had just bought, reached in and grabbed a handful, and began to gobble it up. "Want to eat?" She handed over the bag, and I naturally grabbed a handful. After walking for a while, we came to the fountain in front of the art gallery. "Would you like to sit?" Photon said again, and we sat down on the bench.At the right time, Koko reached out suddenly and pulled my clothes with fingers stained with popcorn residue.

"The ruffles on this shirt are so cute, where did you get them?" Although she asked this question, she didn't seem to want to listen to the answer, so she took the empty bag and threw it in the trash can next to her.As soon as he came back, he immediately tore open another pack of snacks and stuffed them into his mouth busily again.Hello!She handed me the bag again, "What's next?" Even if you ask me that, I don't know how to answer it. "Hi, what's your name?" I gave my name, and it seemed unnatural not to say anything else, so I asked about something I've been curious about since just now.

"What happened to your hand?" "Oh, this one." Photon brought his left wrist closer to his eyes, checking the bandage that was bleeding a bit, "Yesterday, I cut my wrist again." I didn't understand the meaning of her words, so I kept silent.The term and the practice of self-mutilation were not common in this country at the time, at least I personally did not know about it. Photon seemed to look down on my ignorance, she raised her chin, and then began to explain what self-harm is in a high-pitched and childish voice.Her heavy make-up, which makes it impossible to imagine her real face, makes her not look like a human, but like a robot or something talking.

She said at first that she only tried it because it was popular in the US.Because she felt that she was ahead of the times, because the bandages on her wrists looked cool, and because bleeding would clear her mind, she kept on and on and on.When I came back to my senses, I realized that I couldn't quit, to the effect. After she finished speaking, she stood up abruptly, slapped the snack powder off her lap, said goodbye, and left quickly. After that, every time we met in school, Mitsuko would come to me, sometimes hooking my hand, and the number of times I met was so many that I can only say that she deliberately arranged it this way.

About the third time I was invited, I finally went to Photon's residence. Probably because the family gave a lot of money, and she knew that there was no shortage of money at a glance at her residence.Pillows, curtains, and even wall decorations are all floral patterns, ruffles, gold threads, and beads. Cosmetics alone can almost fill a suitcase.The room was filled with the thick smell of perfume and old cloth and sweat, and blood. It was the first time for me to go to someone's house like this, or even talk to someone alone.And, I feel strongly, the same is true for photons. It seems that we should be regarded as friends, but neither of us is used to dealing with such things as friends. After brewing the black tea, I sat opposite her who was eating popcorn desperately but remained silent for about 30 minutes.I just left that day, but before I left, she gave me a spare key to the room. "Hey, hey, later, I cut him hard again." The next day, Photon showed me his hand, which was wrapped in a thick bandage, and said in a casual tone, "Today, will you come too?" Before going to her place, I asked Photon to wait and bought two kilograms of white rice and seaweed at the supermarket. I was in Mitsuko’s kitchen, using her electric cooker that seemed to have never been used to cook. I made a lot of mini rice balls about half the size of an egg, wrapped them in fine seaweed, and asked her to eat them.Because seeing her not eating anything else and eating snacks all day is really disgusting. Photon resisted, saying that she would vomit when she ate anything but snacks, but I didn't care. "It doesn't matter if you spit it out, anyway, just eat it." With tears in her eyes, she ate a rice ball like she was about to swallow a caterpillar. Eat another one, I said again.Then, one more, ... and one more. After eating about five or so, even if I didn't say anything, she would reach out automatically, and finally seemed to eat ten.After that, she put the remaining rice balls on the plate into her mouth from time to time as if remembering, and at the same time talked about herself, "I will take it off when I am in the house." She took off the bandage on her wrist, and for the first time Let me see the wound. From the wrist to the middle of the forearm, a dark brown stripe is formed like the belly of a tabby cat.Among those old wounds, there were also a few bright red wounds that were not fully dried, and one or two seemed to be cut quite deeply. "Does it hurt when you cut?" "Of course it will hurt. If it doesn't hurt, it would be too boring." After the onigiri were all eaten, Mitsuko opened the bag of caramel popcorn, poured the popcorn into an empty plate, and continued eating. "The cut is deep but the bleeding is not much. I feel that something is missing, so I cut again and again." "Blood is warm. When the blood from several wounds is mixed together and slips down my arm, I feel very comfortable." "One time, I probably had a good pulse. I bled a lot of blood, which was more than addictive. But when I wanted to clean the wound, I fell down and passed out. Since then, I have been taking anemia medicine every day." "Why isn't blood blue or green, but red? Red seems to be very special among all kinds of colors." "But after it dries out of the body, look, it looks like this pillowcase. It becomes such a dirty stain." I've always listened to this kind of talk in silence, but from Mitsuko's tone of voice as if talking about the plot of a rented video tape at random, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to cut myself. But for some reason, I have been thinking about how to make Photon get rid of this problem.Even if one day I kill Photon with my own hands, I don't want her to continue to hurt herself like this. When walking outside with Mitsuko, sometimes strangers would strike up a conversation. The other party must have thought that a woman with heavy makeup would easily have sex with anyone.From a man's point of view, as long as he can sleep, even a skinny freak like Photon doesn't matter. The young clerk at the ramen shop near Mitsuko's residence was also one of those people.We haven't been to that ramen shop.The clerk occasionally passed us when he went out to deliver food or came back, and each time he would make a half-joking invitation. "I hate it, I met ramen again." Seeing being stared at, Photon always frowned to hide his disgust, but suddenly slowed down as if weak. "Hi, hi, ladies, next time we have a holiday, shall we go for a drive? My car is very nice." The young man we call Ramen, with his face full of pimples and toothy teeth, is a man who seems to be only thinking about sex.He deliberately stopped the motorcycle used to deliver food, and smiled at us with the attitude that he often deals with women, but his eyes dodged and wandered restlessly. "Hmph, it's disgusting." Photon said after walking over without seeing it, "like a dog in heat. That guy must masturbate ten times a day." "Isn't Photon too?" The words slipped out of my mouth, and Photon's eyes were wide open and blurred with shadow. "What? Damn, what nonsense are you talking about? I didn't masturbate." "But self-harm is a form of masturbation." After the rice circle, I made potato salad, udon noodles, and omelet, and forced Mitsuko to eat it bit by bit, because I thought that as long as she ate normal food, her interest in self-harm should decrease. Although it had some effect, she still couldn't quit the self-harm behavior, and in fact, new blood was seeping from the bandage that day.I think if she realizes that self-harm isn't cool at all, that it's as shameful as masturbation, she might be able to get rid of that problem. On the other hand, whether with Mitsuko or alone, my mind is full of desperate thoughts about how to let her die.Sometimes Shi Shi even imagines that moment, and he will get goosebumps with excitement.That, and the idea of ​​getting her out of self-harm, coexisted so seamlessly in my mind that it's strange to think about it now. The self-harm, which I described as masturbation, seems to have hit her hard. Photon's depression gradually increased, but she did not stop self-mutilation. Although the number of times decreased, the wounds became deeper. One day at Guangzi’s residence, I suddenly had a thought and tried to ask her: "Hey, can you cut me off?" "You, what are you talking about... don't suddenly talk nonsense, okay?" From her trembling voice, it can be seen that she is timid from the bottom of her heart. "Cutting me is not masturbation." "Mutting people down, I feel horrified just thinking about it." "Otherwise, at least lend me the utility knife you use every time. It shouldn't matter just to look at it? Alright, go get it quickly." Although Photon usually seems arrogant, as long as she gives an order forcefully, she will obey orders obediently like a hanging string puppet. I asked her to prepare all the necessary items other than the utility knife on the table and sit opposite each other. "Show me how photons are cut." Photon picked up the utility knife and stared fixedly. "Hurry up, just do what Photon does every time, hurry up." In addition to a few utility knives, sanitary napkins, plastic bags, bandages, and adhesive tape were placed on the table. With a dazed expression on his face, Photon put his scarred left hand into a plastic bag, and held a utility knife to his wrist with his right hand. I nodded, she stared sadly into my eyes, and drew a red line without saying a word.The cut was shallow so it didn't bleed, and the clear plastic bag was just foggy from the heat of her sweat. "It's very simple, can I touch it?" I run the tip of my index finger lightly at the new sores, as well as the old ones raised with brown scabs. "I'll help Photon cut it out too, I don't know what it feels like." She didn't particularly resist, so I held down Photon's wrist and drew another red line parallel to the one just now.Resisting the urge to tremble, he took a closer look, only to see that transparent dewy water accumulated under the wound before bleeding. Then, I held out my left hand. "Come on, as a sign of friendship, cut me off too." Photon didn't move for a full three minutes, and I didn't say a word. Then she leaned forward and touched my arm. It was over in an instant, and after a while, I felt a slight pain hit. We put our injured arms on the table and just faced each other.There were traces of blood in the wounds of both of them, forming thin blood streams and sliding down the arms. I secretly hope that cutting me, an outsider, may change the direction of photon's impulse towards me. Guangzi suddenly recovered and stood up, quickly bandaged his wound, and put a piece of sanitary napkin on my wrist and wrapped it with a bandage.On the way she started to cry, and she kept crying and crying, and finally she left me and locked herself in the dormitory. After a while, I went over to take a look, and saw her crying face turned into a palette and fell into a deep sleep. That night, not far from Mitsuko's residence, I met Ramen. It's not surprising, Ramen is always dangling in this area, as if it is specially waiting for Photon.After all, he is delivering food, so it is really easy to find someone's address. "Huh? What's the matter? Why didn't I see that girl who looked like a monster today." Photon usually follows me all the way to the station. "You want to go back alone? Miss, where is your home? Let me see you off." This night's ramen didn't wear the white overalls stained with greasy soup, but a blue turtleneck sweater. The excitement that suddenly surged up when I cut Guangzi's wrist was still circling in my body, unable to find a way back. "Are you really willing to take me home?" It was the first time I spoke to him, so Ramen seemed surprised. "Okay, I'll see you off." It could be seen that he was struggling to hide his blatant joy under his serious face. I turned around and started walking in the opposite direction of the station. "Huh? Are you going to take a long way? By the way, what's your name? Ah, you can call me Joe." "My name is Photon." "Meimei Photon, do you know? Actually, I don't like that monster, but you. I won't lie to you." Photon's apartment is located in the middle of a slightly higher hill. Going down is the main road leading to the station, and going up is a quiet residential area that stretches as far as the eye can see.I turned again and again and walked slowly uphill. Ramen followed, whistling on purpose, and finally he couldn't help talking. "Hey, Photonic Girl, how far are you going to go? It's already late, it's time to go to your house, right?" Unknowingly, we had crossed the top of the hill and headed downhill. When Ramen was talking, I finally found what I was looking for, the stairs. At the foot of the stairs I went down, I stopped and put my hands on my lap. "Meimei Photon, what's wrong with you?" Ramen leaned over to peek at my face.Even though he was wearing a blue sweater, he still smelled like ramen noodles. "My feet hurt. Can you carry me down?" "Ah... carry you! Damn!" "No, can it? Yes, it takes strength." "Of course I have strength, no problem, okay, I'll carry you on my back...Okay, come on." The moment Ramen knelt down with his back facing me, I kicked him in the waist.Before he could scream, his mouth hit the stairs, so there was only a guttural whine.Ramen's body rolled up and down and stopped on the stepped platform halfway. Somehow, that joy, the lily heart, was not there.Although the heart was beating wildly, it was just a natural physiological phenomenon in this situation. After I made sure that there was no one around, I walked down the stairs and came to Ramen's side. I didn't know if he was still alive.I tried not to look at the pimple-scarred face, and dragged his heavy body bit by bit to the edge of the platform, and then squeezed out all my strength to lift his limp body to let him roll down the remaining half of the steps. Ramen kicked out. After that, I didn't care about his life any more, so I walked back to the road above, and with a sense of loss, I walked in the direction that should be the station. After a while, I didn't tell her what happened until Mitsuko said that she didn't seem to have seen ramen recently. "Oh, what a pity, is he really dead?" "I didn't confirm it at the time." "Should the newspaper publish it?" "who knows." "Won't be discovered?" "It should be fine." Later, after a few days, I asked Photon to cut my wrists again. I tried to make her quit self-harm after experiencing what it was like to cut someone else. But rather than cutting my wrists, Photon prefers me to cut hers.After cutting me, she would always beg me to cut her too. "Super comfortable." After cutting each other's wrists, she put her bloody arm aside casually, then closed her eyes obsessively. "If it is so comfortable, I will cut it for Photon every year on my birthday, so don't cut my own wrist again." "How can I do it? If it's only once a year, I can't bear it." "You have to try to get used to it." "Hey, let's leave this kind of place and go somewhere else together. If we go to an unknown place far, far away, I think I should be able to live a normal life." "Even if you go far away, it's still the same." "It's better to go north, the kind of place that is completely white in winter. By the way, just go to Hokkaido. If it is Hokkaido, it must be like a foreign country." "If you really want to do this, can Photon promise me that you will never cut your wrists for at least two months from today?" "Yes, it's a deal. It's absolutely fine for two months." Of course I have no intention of going to Hokkaido with Photon.But I still bought a travel guidebook for Hokkaido, and looked at the photos of the four seasons with different customs, like a different world. If Photon can really survive these two months, I plan to find other reasons at that time, and slowly extend it month by month. I think there is hope.At least in terms of food, she has slowly improved, and now can eat almost anything except meat and fish. We will rent a house in Hakodate and work as waitresses or flower shop clerks.I cook and Photon cleans the room.When we save enough money, we will open a small flower shop and coffee shop.In our store, customers can drink coffee and eat cake in the scent of flowers in the room, while walking around the store and thinking about which flowers to buy. While we talk about these things tirelessly, the days pass from winter to spring. Photon is always smiling, I don't know if it is a psychological effect, I think she seems to be a little fatter.She said that she was willing to pay for the travel expenses, and she kept inviting me to go to Hakodate with her for a field survey first. I'm really too lazy to travel, but things have come to this, it seems that I can only go to Hakodate with her. Anyway, it is better to go than to leave in July. I plan to wait until the agreed two months are over, and then continue to coax and trick her through the period before departure. At the beginning of the last week when the agreed two months were coming to an end, Photon, who was walking beside me, suddenly went limp in the middle of the road and passed out on the spot. She was obviously fine before she fainted, but after looking at her, she found that her shirt cuffs were dripping blood. Passers-by gathered, so I couldn't do anything, and when the day passed, I was already in the ambulance called by someone with Mitsuko. According to the doctor, Photon cut the wrist and the inside of the elbow at the same time. The wounds on both sides were quite deep, and there were marks on the elbow that she tried to suture with a needle and thread. After a while, a woman in a meticulously pearl-colored kimono who claimed to be Mitsuko's mother appeared and looked me all over, so I left the hospital straight away. A few days later, I went to Guangzi's residence to see that she had been discharged from the hospital and was lying on her own bed. "Sorry, I still can't do it after all." No photonic powder was applied, so I was so surprised that I couldn't speak.It turns out that she looks like this, I can't imagine it at all.Although it has five senses, it looks like a weak baby born prematurely, like an old lily that I threw into the river.She must have cried to sleep day after day, and cried in sleep, her skin is getting old with moisture.Not only the face, ears, and even the body under the quilt, Photon's whole body seemed to shrink in size. "Photon...why can't you keep the agreement?" "Just tell you I can't." "Didn't we agree to go to Hakodate together?" "I can't stand that time." "Then, let's do it again." "It's gone." "why?" "Because I love cutting my wrists so much." Photon has been refusing to meet my eyes from the very beginning.Tears welled up in her eyes again, soaking the pillow one drop after another. "What does Photon mean by liking?" I asked her as softly as I could.So that strange face that was not like a human showed an expression of desperately thinking about how to express it. "Because, if I don't cut my wrists, I, many things... I always feel that they are all inexplicable..." The high-pitched voice of a child stopped, and there was another long silence. "When you cut your wrist... only at that moment, all... all, all..." She seemed unable to think of what to say after "all", the corners of her mouth trembling violently.Finally, she closed her eyes in frustration and let out a weak cry. In fact, I have already understood that what Guangzi can't say, it should be said that that kind of emotion can't be resorted to language at all.Because of this, I have no choice but to give it the ridiculous title of Lily Heart. "Then I won't stop Photon from cutting his wrists. For Photon, cutting his wrists is a very important thing." I think I've known this from the beginning. It's just that I just instinctively loathe self-harm and I just want her to wean myself off of it. "I can't go to Hakodate anymore. It was impossible to go anyway." "Of course we can go, we will go when Photon recovers." "...I don't want to move anymore." Seeing my silence, Photon said again: "I don't want to eat anymore, and I don't want to leave the bed." "Does Photon want to cut his wrists now?" She seemed to nod slightly. "Do you want me to cut for Photon like before?" She nodded slightly again, so faintly that it was almost invisible. I asked her where the necessary utensils were kept, and stepped away from her for a moment to get them. "Hey, let's go on a trip. Find a place farther than Hakodate and Hokkaido, just find a foreign place, okay? Go to a small town that you haven't even heard of the place name, let's go together some other day. " I said this while putting a plastic bag on Mitsuko's left glove.The reason why I put the plastic bag on purpose is because I want to do it the way Photon does every time. I think she already knew what was going to happen next. "In a distant city, we opened a store..." "Yes, it's a small shop, but you can drink coffee amidst the fragrance of flowers in the room." In order to solve it all at once, I made a deep and long cut with the intention of severing my wrist in half. "Cups, plates, sugar bowls, all white." "That way must be able to bring out the beautiful flowers around." "The bell on the door will clank, and there will be lively voices." "I bake cakes, and Photon makes bouquets of flowers according to the preferences of the guests." "Not just roses and carnations..." "There are also baby's breath and buttercups, as well as unknown flowers and plants picked from the field." Blood spurted out with a force beyond my imagination, and the plastic bag immediately became heavy. "Ah, super comfortable..." We stopped talking. In the eyes of others, we may just look at each other in silence, but we are all immersed in a vivid awakening.The back of the neck, which had a sarcoma when I was a child, became stiff like a cramp, throbbing again and again. Photon and I are both human flaws.Like an ugly catfish at the bottom of a rotten bog.Even catfish, which for some reason are born finfish, are the only time they can come to the surface to breathe clean air and see the world in daylight as it really is.Only during that period, you can live like a human being. The image of the world I saw with Photon at this time is still imprinted in my heart, and it will not disappear until I die. Blood spilled from plastic bags stained the carpet red. Photon closed her eyes halfway and started to feel groggy, and I kept watching her until she actually died. There are many blank pages left in the second notebook, so it's over.Even if it wasn't over, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to read on. I'm still leaning against the window frame, panting like someone about to drown.The hair roots, face and even the back are covered with a thin film of cold sweat. I can't believe that this is a fictional story anyway.From every line of record in the text, you can feel the true clarity and profoundness. Is it mother?Did my mother really write it?During the reading, a corner of my mind frequently asked myself this question.If it is not the father, then the only possibility is the mother.Didn't my brother say that?If it is a mother, it may be possible. I covered my face and pressed my temples hard.Exhausted, unable to have any normal thoughts.Even so, I still try to sort out my thoughts and grasp the situation. Outside the window is the unchanging scenery.On a sunny Sunday in early summer, the hydrangeas in the neighbor's yard were still in full bloom. What if the mother is the murderer?Was the mother before the transfer killed by this mother?Was that lock of hair the murdered mother's?If this is the case, why is the mother's name Misako written on the washi wrapping the hair? At that time, she hugged the pillow and sat next to my pillow, was it because she planned to kill me too? What does the timid look of the mother who walks like a sleepwalker in her father's sandals imply? Was mother's death really a car accident? Is it possible that she committed suicide in order to atone for her sins?Or was it the father who learned of the mother's sin? In the final analysis, did the father know? No, of course it is impossible not to know.If the father and mother hadn't conspired together, no matter what the secret behind it was, it would be impossible for the mother to take the place of the previous mother as if nothing had happened. I just feel pure fear, is this reality?The faces of my father and my mother, who have lived together for many years, seem to be suddenly lost.Even if he thought about it carefully, all he could see was a flat, black face without facial features.Who were those two people I used to call father and mother?I cringed at that question. I knew early on that time was running out.I looked at my watch, it was past five o'clock. After taking care of grandma and eating dinner, if my father didn't go elsewhere, he would definitely come back by seven o'clock at the latest.But before that, my younger brother should notify me from Dahe Koriyama Station, so it shouldn't matter for the time being. Of the four volumes, I have only read two.I picked up the number three and turned the pages nervously. From the opening lines, it can be seen that there is a "long period of time" between note number one and note number three. Perhaps because of this, the font seems to have subtle changes.It is a little less stiff and easier to read, though certainly by the same hand. Perhaps it was because of preconceived prejudices when I read it, but I have to say that it does look a bit like my mother's handwriting.