Chapter 22 Chapter 21

I can't remember what time it was when I got home at night.I just remember that when I finally finished that long journey, many restaurants, even hotels, Internet cafes, bars, etc., had already closed their business. I still remember that when I passed the dark stairs of my house, I heard a woman crying vaguely.I thought, I must have quarreled with my husband, or found out that my husband had a lover, or maybe he was dumped by his lover... When I opened the door of my house, there was a deathly silence in the room, as if there was no breath of life.It never occurred to me that the disappearance of my son from my name would have such a lifeless effect on my house.

When I woke up, the sun had easily shone into the room where the curtains were not closed.Looking at the bright, jumping light, I felt a strong churning in my stomach, and I just remembered that it has been almost twenty hours since I ate a bowl of beef noodles at noon yesterday, and I haven't eaten anything .I sat up from the bed, supported my shaky body, and went straight to the kitchen as usual. I knew there must be breakfast prepared by my father. However, there was no heat in the kitchen, not only was there no breakfast, there was no sign of my father.what happened?Father is sleeping?Or did you go to buy it early and didn't come back?Disappointed, I found a piece of bread from the refrigerator that I don't know when, and walked towards the living room while satisfying my hunger.Through the long corridor in front of the living room, I suddenly noticed something strange: the inner door was wide open, and the shoes I changed last night were lying horizontally between the two doors.Since my father came, I often came home late at night and didn't bother to put my shoes back in the shoe rack.The next morning, when I put on my shoes, I always found that my father had already placed my shoes on the shoe rack.However, today my father didn't care about anything.I stood in the corridor, looking at the pair of shoes, and suddenly there was an ominous omen in my heart.Next, I shouted nervously and ran to the bedroom shared by father and son:

Dad, Dad, are you there? Pushing away the father and son's bedroom, I saw at a glance that there was nothing in the room except two neat beds and the son's writing desk and bookcase. what happened?Where is the father?I looked around in a daze, talking to myself.Since the conflict that night, due to the arrest of my son, I have almost focused all my energy on paying attention to my son.Not only did I not pay attention to the psychological pressure my father suffered after encountering this conflict, but I also did not pay attention to the changes in his appearance and expression.How careless I am!How would a traditional farmer react to discovering such bad behavior from his beloved daughter?Why didn't I think about it?

I was tense again. From the current situation, it seemed that my father had not been at home all night.This thought reminded me suddenly of the dead breath I felt late last night.So where does father go at night?I felt uneasy all of a sudden. Father will be fine!While comforting myself, I began to search for clues in my son's house, hoping to find out where my father had gone.When I lifted my father's pillow, I saw a large sheet of paper covered with crooked handwriting appearing in front of me: Pingping, in Dad's mind, you have always been a motivated and strong child, and you are also the greatest pride of Dad in his life.Even if you got divorced, Dad didn't believe it was your fault.However, Dad could no longer lie to himself about the scene that night.No matter what, Dad still loves you.Dad had no choice but to attribute your mistake to my illness. I thought, it must be to treat my illness that you took this path.

Child, do you know that father's old life is worthless.Compared with your reputation, Dad would rather not have this poor life.Today, I take this drag of mine out of your life.Dad asked you a word before leaving, you have to remember: We are poor, but our ambition cannot be poor!No matter what difficulties we encounter, no matter when, we can't let people poke our spines! Suicide note, this is the first conclusion that comes to my mind when I look at this piece of paper.No, it's not, when I woke up to the possible ending, I was suddenly terrified.I kept telling myself, this is not a suicide note, it can only be regarded as a message at most, how could something happen to him?But then, I found that there were spots of tears on the crumpled paper.Staring at those tears, my father hunched his back, writing a message, and shedding strings of muddy old tears seemed to be right in front of his eyes.No, I stretched out my hand stiffly, as if to push the scene away from my eyes.Then tell yourself that this is a message note, not a suicide note.When those tears flashed before my eyes again, I had to tell myself, what is the difference between this message and a suicide note at this time?

No, there is a difference.I'm still looking for comfort for myself, and I justify myself by saying that suicide notes are written when people die, and notes are written when people go out.Father wrote only the latter.He must have gone home, and he is going to restore the true nature of a farmer by farming again.I knew him, and as a daughter, I knew my father's attachment to the land.Pretending to be calm, I walked back from my father's room to my bedside, then picked up the phone and started calling my neighbors back home.I want to prove it to myself, my father went back to his hometown to farm.

The phone was connected, and the neighbor said he wanted to see if my father had come home. I just sat by the phone and waited.The phone buzzed and my heart pounded.As fragile as I was, I firmly believed that my father was probably cleaning the house he hadn't lived in for many days. A few minutes later, there was a sudden scream from the other end of the phone, and my father's body was already freezing cold!Father drank dichlorvos! I have been silently listening to the wail on the phone, it seems that the woman's wail has nothing to do with me.It was a woman in her thirties who was very enthusiastic every time I went home.I don't believe it, why she cried so loudly for my father, I don't believe it.I heard myself yelling into the phone: You liar!

No!Pingping, your father is already stiff. Dad-dad- two seconds later, I finally couldn't lie to myself anymore, I felt a fierce liquid gathering in my body from all directions, rushing straight into my chest like a jet of high-pressure water, hot and flaming , rushed up along the throat.I opened my mouth wide, and at the same time as calling out Dad, a mouthful of dazzlingly red liquid, like a flame splashing with red stars, sprayed out from my mouth. At that moment, I suddenly remembered the gunfire spewing out of the barrel. In an instant, the white phone on the bedside table, my bed and the white wall in front of me were already stained with blood!And the message note in his hand has also turned into a piece of bloody paper, leaving only a few irregular white corners, which seems to intentionally remind him that it was once white!

I always thought that after vomiting blood, I was going to die.However, when I recovered from the horrible pool of blood and rolled up the blood-red note and put it in my pocket, I found that my exuberant vitality was still miraculously and powerfully stretching upwards. At dawn the next day, I finally set foot on the land where I had grown for eighteen years.The cold wind is raging in the open field, making a whining sound, like a sharp or low whistle, passing in the distance, near, over the head or under the surrounding feet.There are still stars above the head that appear and disappear, and a pale moon is like what my son drew when I was young, hanging high, but there is no light.I wrapped my coat tightly and walked forward with difficulty, looking around and remembering.Because this is so familiar, including this scene, this scene, and this painful and numb state of mind.But how many times has it happened?Whether it happened in a dream or in the past, I really can't remember.I think, if it happened in a dream, it is obvious that today's scene is doomed in this life.

Finally, we reached the entrance of the village. The familiar village still showed its original outline and exuded a familiar atmosphere, just like the memories of childhood and youth.I have clearly seen the crooked old locust tree.That's it, during the years when I lived in middle school, every Saturday evening, it watched and waited with the figure of the old father there.But today, I approached it and looked at it, but I could no longer see the crooked old man under the tree like it.When I touched this old pagoda tree, which recorded the most primitive family affection in my life, I suddenly felt that it seemed to be my aging father.Its silence, its helplessness, its vicissitudes and thin bare branches, and its desolate voice, as well as its arms outstretched to me in the cold wind, were originally my former father, and I could even hear it. I heard the cry from my father's old soul standing in the shadow of the tree.

I don't know if I was crying, but when I looked up and saw the cluster of white funeral paper flowers under the tree, I finally let out a shrill scream along with the sound of it clattering. dad-- The old locust tree was whining, the paper flowers were rattling, and the harsh winter wind was whistling. I believe that every sound contained the cry of my father's soul.He is mad at me, I believe he will die with peace, I also believe he is waiting for me, I believe he can hear my cry.So, hugging the thick trunk of the dark brown old locust tree, I screamed desperately, Dad——— Some people came to me, some persuaded me, some comforted me, saying that my father is happier than many old people in the village, he has a proud daughter, he has enjoyed life in the city, and he has received advanced medical treatment... Some people say that everyone has such a day... No, I yelled in my heart, you don't know anything.Although he has lived in the city, although he has received advanced treatment and modern civilization, he is no happier than you.You know how desperate he was when he died, you don't know anything... I was brought into that old house by kind villagers, that dimly lit old house once gave me so much joy in childhood, and that dilapidated table, which once recorded how many childhood dreams I had, and that dilapidated old house. the bed... It was my father lying quietly, and I rushed to the bed, facing the thin shadow-like corpse, and knelt down deeply. Human life is so fragile. When I looked at the empty bottle of dichlorvos my father drank by the bedside, and my father's tightly closed eyes and mouth, I really experienced the feeling that life is like a dream.It seems that death is really very simple, just a bottle of water, and then put on a new jacket and trousers, just close your eyes, kick your legs, open your hands and leave everything in the world behind.I stared at my father's sunken eyes, sallow cheeks, pale hair, and criss-cross lines on his face, and suddenly realized that this is the highest state of life.If you don't want joy, what troubles are there, if you don't want happiness, what suffering are you talking about? If death can solve everything, what else is there to live.Father, you have found a way to escape and reached the highest state of life, but what will be left to the living? Father, have you thought about it?Have you ever thought about what such relief left for your daughter?I would rather you take out a broom and beat me up, or even take out a kitchen knife and chop me a few times to vent your anger, than to punish your daughter in this way.Your punishment is not only too severe, but also too unreasonable. The moment I knelt in front of my father's bed, I suddenly felt great resentment for my father's death and escape.At the beginning, I was so lost. When I was in the most painful and difficult time, Father, you suddenly wanted to go from the countryside to the city to enjoy the blessings. Then you put me in extreme hardship with a serious illness. Because of your illness, I almost had nowhere to go. , or even take risks.To this day, when I continue to lose the only sustenance of my life, and face the second suffering in my life, you have pushed me into the abyss of irreversible suffering in this terrible way...Father, why ?Why?I am your daughter!Why can't you get through this with me?Don't you think about it, without my son, without you, what else can I live for? I knelt in front of the bed, resting my head on my father's chest, letting the sudden tears of resentment flow freely.However, I am kind, how can I hate my father for his good intentions to get rid of the burden for me?When I felt the resentment towards my father rising in my chest, what I experienced more deeply was the heartbroken heartache caused by resenting my father.Father, please forgive my hatred for you! The next day was the day of the funeral, and I don't know who decided it.When I was hurriedly put on a white coat and white trousers, tied a white belt on my head, and pushed out the door, I realized that the world outside the house was already white.The sky is white, the earth is white, and people are also white. All white things are flying, snow is flying, people's white clothes are flying, white filial belts are flying on their heads, and white paper money is flying in the air. There are white paper flowers flying.This is an ancient funeral ceremony, and it is hard to tell how many years it has been handed down here.I have attended my mother's funeral, but I have forgotten all the scenes. I have attended grandpa's and grandma's funerals, and it is difficult to find traces in my memory.Only today, this white funeral where heaven, earth, and people are integrated, is the real funeral in the world.Father, I firmly believe that this is designed for me by God, and I firmly believe that this is the most solemn funeral that God has arranged for you. The north wind was whistling and dancing wildly, and the snowflakes were blown back and forth by the wind, like thorny white petals, constantly blowing back and forth on people's faces.After the initial sting, my face seemed to be familiar with this kind of cutting, which relieved the pain in my heart.I sat on a rattling agricultural motor vehicle and stared blankly at the inexplicable howls of the women next to me.The white filial belt on the head is still flying, often flying to the shoulders or even the face, like the belt on the back of the navy's head.Through the chaotic snowflakes, I saw the group of men in white clothes and hats in front of the funeral procession, holding filial sticks covered with white paper flowers, stopping and walking in the snow.I never imagined that there would be so many send-off people at my father's funeral. The snow flakes were flying all over the sky, and the white paper money with round and square holes was also mixed with it and kept spinning and falling. The largest paper money suddenly rushed out of the surrounding snowflakes and paper money, and flew to the high place. Then, like a white dove, with trembling wings, it glides forward up and down along with the flow of white people.I suddenly burst into tears, because I thought it must be my father, my father's spirit traveling through.Dad, Dad, I shouted loudly in my heart, Dad, please pick up these money!We have been poor all our lives, we have been running around for money for so many years, and finally let you go poor.Facing the invisible ghost in the sky, I cried and said, Dad, I hope you have enough money to live in that world. I remember when I was a child, I used to go to my mother's grave with my father, and every time my father burned a lot of paper money.He said that only by burning a lot of paper money for the mother, the reincarnated mother will be rich and will not die prematurely due to incurable diseases like in this life.Therefore, he asked me more than once, after he passed away, let me remember to burn more paper money for him, so that he will no longer live in poverty in the next life. The funeral procession finally stopped in front of the dug tomb.I was pulled from the car and stood in front of a yellow dirt pit, looking for something at a loss.I don't know why the pit is so small, how can it hold the body of my father who has gone through his life like a man despite his emaciation?Someone jumped down, and someone sent down a small red box. No—how could it be the father?Who asked you to burn him? No one spoke, only the loess mixed with snow was shoveled in frantically.I stared straight at the narrow box, watching it disappear into the white snow and loess.When the last bit of red was about to disappear, I suddenly felt that a fiery spring was conceived in my icy body again, with overwhelming force, rushing from my chest to my throat unstoppably, and then I screamed again Then, spit out a mouthful of flame-like blood.At that time, I remembered the gunfire in the barrel again. Part of the last shovel of loess that covered my father's urn turned dark brown, and the thick white snow in front of me was also sprinkled with bright red spots. The red snow, like petals crushed on the snow, became the most beautiful and boastful scenery at the father's funeral. After more than ten days, I finally recovered under the care of the folks.Then under the big old tree, I bid farewell to the simple people and the desolate land, as well as the old tree that was silent like a father.Although this land gave birth to me and nurtured me, after experiencing the baptism of urban civilization and soaked in the influence of advanced culture, I can no longer adapt to the original closed life, even when that civilization has been seriously injured. In my case, I still can't contain the desire to go to the city.I am ashamed that I no longer belong to this land, and I am ashamed that I cannot change all this.Because this poor land can neither carry my heavy life experience, nor can it heal my physical and mental wounds, nor can it extinguish the longing in my soul.One day later, I finally stepped into this city that gave me infinite pain again. I have regained the sense of superiority that urban women have, and restored the calm appearance of a cultural woman who has been cultivated for many years.However, no matter how my appearance changes or how my temperament changes, the inferiority and self-esteem of a country woman in my bones are always reminding me.I can admit failure, but never reconciled to failure.When I stood on the chaotic street and looked at this familiar city full of traps, I suddenly understood the purpose of returning today: I wanted to sort out the answer to the mystery that was entangled in my heart, the answer that caused my family to be destroyed. Thirty minutes later, I have returned to my home, which is full of deathly atmosphere.I sat on the head of the bed, holding the blood-stained white phone in my hand, staring at the dried blood, and began the difficult process of solving the mystery.Perhaps it is these red things that make the brain, which has been numb and dull in the face of successive disasters, quickly glow with abnormal excitement, and the thinking is extremely clear.I first got through to Yuan Yilin.I ignored Yuan Yilin's concern and just asked him to figure out how his wife found that place.Then, I called Yu Zhi again. I couldn't care less about Yu Zhi's contempt and sarcasm. I just begged him to help me find out how my son got there.Because I firmly believe that this is by no means a random coincidence, and I believe that there must be terrible stories in it. By night, all doubts began to surface.The reason why Liang Fengting was able to find that place was that she hired someone to knock on the door because a so-called "good-hearted person" told her the address. However, someone hired a car to take my father and son to that house under the guise of my name. To see relatives.The speculation that has been lingering in my mind for several days has finally been confirmed.Compared with such a new hatred, what kind of old hatred can still occupy the heart?What anonymous letters, what photos, are not important here.As long as this catastrophe is enough to push me to a new stage.That is the stage for revenge. Some doors are easy to walk in, but difficult to get out, just like entering a maze.I ended up with nothing, and now I don't want to come out.As the so-called "barefoot is not afraid of wearing shoes", since the only sustenance and hope of life are gone, there is no extravagance to talk about life, and there is nothing to be afraid of losing.In this way, I seemed to have taken ecstasy, and from the second day on, I went back and forth in a trance in some pharmacy stores, pesticide seed stores, and suburban bazaars.It seems that only the purchase of this kind of pesticide, acid, rat poison, etc. can slightly calm down the hatred that grows madly every day. This is the morning, and I walked out of a store again with a small bottle of Dixie that I just bought.Although the wind is very cold, but the revenge burning in my heart makes me feel nothing.As I left the store, I wondered where I could get sulfuric acid, because that's what I've been craving the most for days.The ending I most hope to see is that after a burst of buzzing sound, accompanied by white smoke, this proud woman turns into a scary ugly monster in an instant.From then on, she never dared to go out, meet people, show off, or boast.Let her marriage, her official career, and everything she hoped for disappear with that smell of burnt flesh! Just as I was engrossed in imagining my revenge plan, I suddenly heard someone calling my name.I looked around and found that Qu Hong and Yang An had two familiar faces coming from the same street. Sister Ping, are you coming to the wedding too? I was taken aback. It turned out that today was the day when Chang Tianli and Li Zifeng got married, and the wedding banquet was at the hotel next door.It seems that people with predestined relationship in the world are always easy to get together, and friends are even easier to meet.Isn't this an opportunity God arranged for me, or what?I looked up at the magnificent hotel diagonally across, at the woman in the red cheongsam standing in front of the hall, and at her graceful posture, I couldn't help thinking in my heart that the opportunity for revenge had finally arrived. I followed the flow of people, walked to the wedding hall, and approached this charming woman, this woman with whom I had an unshakable hatred.Although God has been taking care of her, her appearance, her official career, and her life, I can still see the footprints of time under her rich bridal makeup.In the face of the laws of nature, although some are born with beauty and ugliness, noble and poor, lucky and unlucky, in the end all people have to bow their heads before nature.Even if her name is Chang Tianli, it is impossible to be permanently beautiful.Because on this happy day, I clearly found that her proud face also faintly exposed signs of aging. She was still smiling brightly, trying her best to show her charm.When her eyes met mine inadvertently, I suddenly saw a shadow across her brilliant face, just like a ripple on the surface of silvery water accidentally touched by some flying insect. , Then, before I could react, I quickly restored my previous face. oops!She stretched out her hand wearing a red silk glove early, and grabbed my hand with an affectionate gesture. I didn't expect you to come quite early.Looks like a good friend! Of course, how else can we be called old friends for many years?After finishing this sentence, I said in my heart, if I don't avenge the destruction of my family today, I will really be your friend in vain!How ridiculous and shameful, we all use the word "friend". Even like Chang Tianli, I can say the word "friend" to my enemies with a bright and relaxed face. I find that I am finally tempered by the wind and rain Zhongxiu has achieved a "positive result". I didn't pay any gift money. When the two collectors next to the door faced me, I said, I will give it to the couple directly at the banquet. I walked into the wedding banquet under the strange eyes of people. The wedding started in a grand atmosphere, and I finally saw the thin and short bridegroom officer beaming and standing next to the tall bride.I wasn't interested in what the master of ceremonies was talking about. I deliberately stood up from my seat, walked around the three people and walked to Qu Hong, who was opposite me. I put my mouth into her ear and said, "Do you think this marriage looks like a child?" The frame of the horse-drawn cart. Qu Hong couldn't help laughing, covered her mouth and laughed with me.Almost at the same time, I turned around and saw that Li Zifeng seemed to be compressed, and his body became even thinner. The banquet officially began, and the rich aroma of wine immediately filled the entire hall.I kill with the enemy in my arms, and drink like crazy with people's high emotions.Some people say that "wine strengthens people's courage", which seems to be true.Although I don't drink wine, I feel that the tragic spirit in my heart will continue to expand with the increase of alcohol in my blood after drinking the wine. Table by table of newcomers was toasting, and the lively atmosphere at the table continued to heat up.Li Zifeng walked in front of Chang Tianli holding a wine glass, but his thin figure couldn't hide any brilliance of Chang Tianli at all.Especially Chang Tianli's bright red cheongsam, which dyed the surrounding air red, which made Li Zifeng, who was wearing a black suit under the radiance of her red, look thinner, withered, shriveled and ugly.I turned my brain rapidly, looking for an opportunity to make a move. They came to the table where I was.When the table was full of people standing up to toast, I left my seat again, walked in front of the newcomer, and said in an overwhelming voice, I told a joke today and wished everyone a happy toast, how about it? Everyone really stopped the chatter just now, and waited for my next words with their ears open. I took a sip of wine and said to the bride, today is a happy day, no matter what jokes I say, don't be annoyed! Li Zifeng's face became gloomy, but Chang Tianli showed a little timidity in the bright smile on her face, she just smiled and said, let me forgive you, I hope you have a few more glasses of wedding wine. Needless to say drinking, you have to tell jokes, right, otherwise how can it be lively?I excitedly stirred everyone's emotions. Yes, yes, people who didn't know the truth agreed one after another. Li Zifeng was tugging on Chang Tianli's clothes, he must be trying to avoid me.I think, since today is here, I won't let them avoid it easily.So, I stepped in front of them. Chang Tianli had a premonition of the seriousness of the situation, but she still endured the final irritation and said happily, if you want to tell a joke, drink a large glass of wine first.Then he put a drink glass in front of me, trying to scare me away. In order to make everyone happy, I went all out.Without hesitation, I quickly lifted the bottle and filled the glass.Then, under everyone's surprised eyes, I gulped it down in one breath. Putting down the cup, the incongruous pair of newcomers—Chang Tianli, who looks like a big ocean horse, and Li Zifeng, who looks like a bald-tailed monkey—jumped before his eyes like a pair of clowns in a circus.So, with my head clear, I said, I can talk now, can't I? Hearing everyone's excited echoes, I danced and stepped to the side of the newcomers, put them side by side close together, then faced everyone, and said loudly: Tell me, what do they look like?Without waiting for everyone's reaction, I went on to say, I don't feel like a husband and wife, like a small horse-drawn cart, don't you think?Then, he turned to the thin Li Zifeng and said, be careful you can't pull it, you're tired and vomit blood. No one thought that I would tell such a "joke", and the scene became a little awkward for a while.I didn't stop, and again, unexpectedly, I said aloud: To put it more appropriately, it is even more like a bald monkey riding a foreign horse in a circus.Then, I turned to the thin black shadow and said, be careful not to be thrown off by the big ocean horse. Except for a few giggles, the whole table was silent.No matter how silent, how embarrassing, I don't care how others laughed at me, I finally let out a bad breath.I am as proud of my bravery as I am of my utter depravity.I remembered what Wang Shuo said, "I am a hooligan, who am I afraid of".Yes, I have nothing now, who am I afraid of? I was pulled to the corner by the table, and when I stood still, I realized that there was no one on the other side except the big red horse.I stared at this bright face, and said awkwardly, what are you going to do?We are friends. Chang Tianli suddenly grabbed my collar and put her nose almost in front of my face. I thought, I can bite off that fleshy thing with just one mouthful, and make her become the character in Liu Lanfang's storytelling for the rest of her life. Hamichi. Xie, I warn you not to take it too far.You helped me complete this kind of marriage, and I helped you relieve the burden. We owe nothing to each other.I want you to respect yourself. I am self-respecting, what self-respect do I want.I felt a little unstable under my feet, so I adjusted my body balance while thinking about the opportunity to make a move.When Chang Tianli was about to turn around and walk away, I stretched out my hand, pulled out the enemy from my pocket, aimed at Chang Tianli's face, and sprayed it vigorously. A second later, except for Chang Tianli's scream from her bright red lips, I found that nothing else happened.The seal of the enemy's killing has not been opened yet!Next, in the chaotic crowd, I was surrounded and pushed out of the hall in a daze, onto the street.Then, facing the severe cold wind, he vomited all the things he ate and drank into the tree pit next to him. It's her, the woman who doesn't have a wedding party! It's shameful to drink wedding wine without proper etiquette, and to get completely drunk.Virtue! At this time, when my revenge plan fell through, and when I had nowhere to vent my anger, someone scolded me behind me, which really suited my appetite.With a sour smell of alcohol, I turned around abruptly, and spit out the rest of my mouth at the two boys in suits and ties: Bah! The two guys' black suits and faces were immediately covered with bits and pieces of food leftovers, scattered unevenly.Then, facing the cold sun flying down from the sky, and a group of onlookers in front of the hotel, I stood there firmly, preparing for the next fierce fight. Minutes and seconds passed, and nothing happened except for a burst of noise.After those two boys walked away resentfully, I also staggered and left the wedding with a dazed expression. Those who should come will always come. If they don't come today, they may come tomorrow.If it doesn't come during the day, it may come at night.This is what is destined, and no one can escape it.That night, I was lying on the bed, looking at the moon outside the window, I couldn't stop imagining the bridal chamber of the couple.This not only tortured me so that I couldn't sleep, but also rekindled my anger of hatred a little bit.When my relatives were betrayed and my family was ruined, they actually indulged in joy and love between men and women under the flowers and candles in the bridal chamber.This is either a great irony, or a great show off. I will make your joy pay in blood.I sat up suddenly, and made a heavy oath to the puddle of blood on the wall. It was very late at night, and I walked out of the dormitory yard against the cold wind with an empty oil drum I found at home, and took a taxi.Everything lost my mind, I felt like a locomotive that had already started, and because I lost the brake function, I couldn't stop the next action.The night is running outside the car window, but there is no end. The wind is blowing outside the car window, but there is no sound. Only me, who is reincarnated on the gear of fate, has been arranged by God for the final result. The taxi took me to the nearest gas station. I bought a barrel of oil and returned to the car under the driver's puzzled and fearful eyes.Then, I told the driver the address of Li Zifeng's home. The guard on duty in the family courtyard had already fallen asleep, and I walked in through the half-open door smoothly.I am afraid of nothing, I am not afraid of anything.Now nothing can stand in my way, nothing can stop me.A few minutes later, I was downstairs at Li Zifeng's house, took the elevator smoothly, and arrived at his door. Everything went so smoothly, it seemed that this was an action arranged by God for me.yes!This is the fate God arranged for me.Maybe when I met Chang Tianli, I was doomed to end today, maybe when I married Yu Zhi, I already planned the content of today's existence.Earlier, maybe when I was admitted to university and became a city person, I would have already been arranged for today's results.If we go back further, maybe when I was born, the ending of today has already been set.Of course, maybe the sins I committed in my previous life have already doomed my fate in this life... Gasoline began to pour into the crack of the door with a thin water column, and at the same time diffused around with a strong degree of volatility.I believe that that night, in front of the dark corridor door, I was more like a ferocious black dog, squatting quietly in front of the door, waiting for the prey to appear.The oil in the oil barrel was dropping rapidly, and the weight in my hand was gradually getting lighter. When the oil barrel was finally turned upside down and no liquid flowed out, I finally retreated to the steps downstairs and took out the paper ball I had prepared in advance. Light it up, throw it up... Forty minutes later, I was already standing downstairs in Yu Zhi's new home.Looking up at the window I had seen before, what I saw was a black curtain. Then I stretched out the middle finger of my left hand and frantically pressed the number. Finally someone responded, but it was an angry scolding.On such a night, calling the door in such a way, I don't care what kind of shouting comes in exchange for it.However, when I was about to answer, I found that the person who scolded me was neither Yu Zhi nor my son, but another young voice. I suddenly felt dizzy, and the cold wind woke me up again.No, I don't care about anything anymore, no matter what I face, I will persist until the end.So, I begged him to tell me if the Yuzhi family lived here. No, it's not. who are you? Never mind! I was irritated again, I stretched out my hand and pressed the doorbell desperately, and the doorbell rang for a long time.The door was yelling and cursing again, so I confronted him in this way of ringing the doorbell.终于有女人的声音在男声后边，柔和地响起： 原来那一家刚刚将房子买给我们。听说他们搬走了，也许是别的城市。 ... 搬走了，也许是别的城市……我停下了摁门铃的手，思索着这个结果对我眼下的意义。这么说，我今夜，在入牢之前无法见我的儿子了…… 如果说，之前我所有的力量来源于我的仇恨的话，那么，对儿子的思念便是我力量尽处最后的结。当我明白今夜最后的失败后，我感到身体突然像耗尽了最后一滴精力，瘫在了紧闭着的门前。看着这道冰凉的铁门，觉得这才是我最害怕的下场：儿子，对我关闭了最后的门。 有一只蚊子似的黑色昆虫向我飞来，翅膀不停地嗡嗡着。它轻轻地碰触我的额头，似乎在唤醒我的神智。我不想动。有两只黑色小昆虫飞来，在碰我，有三只，四只，五只，瞬间，铺天盖地，一下子涌出了无数只蚊子。纷乱的嗡嗡声混杂一起，几乎将我淹没掉。我感到自己的整个身体附满了蚊子，它们都在疯狂地吸吮着我的血液，就像被扔进了非洲某部落的食人蚁坑一样，我觉得不久将要被他们啃成一堆白骨。 我开始挣扎，我告诉自己说，我要见到儿子，我要寻找儿子，我要逃跑！ 我终于摇摇晃晃扶着门框站了起来，恍恍惚惚看见门上有一滩黑乎乎的东西在向下缓缓流着。 那是鲜血。 我抹干嘴角，抹干门上的血迹，然后在恍恍然离开了我生命里寄于深厚希望的最后一站。 不知过了多久，我在一个乌七八糟的梦中醒来，发现自己躺在一个诊所里的病床上。遗憾的是，我身边坐着的是两个警察。然后我知道了我的罪行：蓄意纵火。只可惜那两个狗男女没有受伤。 我终于承认，我彻头彻尾地失败了！ 看来这场漫长的争斗最终结束了，而我破亡的家，空无一人的房子已经变做一只大大的句号，将这场争斗截住了。还有什么可说的？No.在这条曲曲折折的斗争道路上，我像一个不善长跑的运动员，歪歪扭扭，磕磕绊绊，虽倾尽了全力，最终还是栽倒在路沟。就像每一次与常天丽的较量，最终失败的都是我一样，看来在常天丽面前，我注定就是一个失败者。既然如此，我何必还要争下去呢？我想我真得该休息了，我太累了。回忆自己从农村到城市，从一个一穷二白的学生到一个研究人员，又沦落成一个阶下囚，我经历得太多太多，得到的东西虽然不少，失去的却更多更多。早知如今，何必当初呢？如果当初不要这些，今天哪里还会为失去而痛苦呢？