The next morning, Huangsuke and Aki got on the bus bound for the University Hospital.Since it was a Saturday, there were very few passengers on board.
Last night, accompanied by Tada, Yoichiro went to the psychiatric building of the Affiliated Hospital of Sagami Medical University.Shuicheng, who was traveling with him, was hit on the brain when he was suppressed by Yoichiro, and the feeling of vomiting persisted for a long time, so he decided to undergo a close examination.Later, Huang Jie went home first.Soon, he received another call from Tian Di, saying that Shuicheng had to be hospitalized for two days. As for Yoichiro's condition, Tian Di could not explain clearly on the phone.Then, Huang Jie told Tian Di the strange words that Shui Cheng had heard from Ya Ji.Tian said it was an overdose of sedatives, and Shuicheng said so when he was undergoing a close examination.
"Did you do something to my phone?" Sitting on the shaky bus, Huang Jie asked Aki.
"Yes." Yaji stared at the back of the front seat and replied in a low voice, "I'm sorry, I can't trust you completely. After I told you those things in the park, I was afraid that you would call my dad."
"So you tampered with my phone's address book."
Aki nodded.
"Yesterday evening... I swapped my phone number with yours, and my dad's cell phone number with my uncle's number. In this way, as long as you want to call your dad, I will know right away. If you If you want to call my house, your phone will ring; if you want to call my dad's cell phone, your uncle's cell phone will ring."
That's it, that's what happened.If you don't obey Yaji's stop and try to contact Shuicheng, whether you call Shuicheng's home or Shuicheng's cell phone, the bell will ring at Huangjie's home.In this way, Ya Ji immediately knew that Huang Jie had broken the agreement.
"So, when I called 'Shuicheng's home' outside last night, it was my home phone that rang?"
"Well, it rang for a long time. But if I answer it, you will find that I have tampered with your phone, so I didn't answer it."
"Then when I dialed 'Uncle Shuicheng's phone'..."
"I heard the phone ringing in your dad's room, but I looked at the phone screen and it showed 'Huang Jie', so I didn't answer it."
It seems that Yoichiro didn't bring his mobile phone when he went out last night.
"Conversely, when I called my dad's cell phone, it was Uncle Shuicheng's cell phone that rang?"
"That's right. When you called for the first time, my dad must have left his phone somewhere in the living room, but he stayed in the room. The room was soundproofed, and as long as the door was closed, you couldn't hear the outside sound at all. "
Later, Shuicheng put his mobile phone in his pocket when he went out, so when Huang Jie dialed Yoichiro's mobile phone again on the road, Shuicheng's mobile phone rang at close range.
"Why bother to match the numbers? Just delete the numbers of 'Shuicheng Family' and 'Shuicheng Uncle's phone'?"
"If you do this, if you find that the number in the address book is missing, you will feel that the phone has been tampered with."
"Ah...that's right."
The bus started to slow down and stopped at the "Sagami Medical University-mae" stop.Huang Jie and Ya Ji got off the car.
The two walked into the gate of the University Hospital.Tian Di and Yoichiro should be waiting for them in the psychiatric building now.
When he came to the lobby on the first floor, Yaji stopped suddenly.
"I'd better wait for you here. Huangjie, go up by yourself."
"But Teacher Tiandi wants you to come too..."
"No, I don't want to go."
"Ok……"
Therefore, Huang Jie left Ya Ji on the bench in the hall, and walked to Tian Di's consultation room alone.
"You're really on time."
When Huang Jie walked into the consultation room, Tian Di shook his white beard and greeted him with a smile.The mechanical clock on the wall pointed to the ten o'clock agreed last night.
"I, Mao, are undergoing some simple health checks on the other floor... please sit down first."
Tian Di asked Huang Jie to sit down on the sofa, raised his eyebrows suddenly, and said:
"Is Aki not here?"
Huang Jie hesitated for a moment, not knowing how to answer.
"She's not feeling well, so she's at home."
In fact, Yaji had already come, but he refused to come up in the hall downstairs.Huang Jie really couldn't say it.
"Oh……"
Tian Di crossed his hands in front of his chest, as if he was thinking about something. "Forget it." After a while, the mouth covered with white beard murmured.
"Do you want some milk tea?"
Tian Di poured two cups of milk tea from a plastic bottle, then took a loose-leaf notebook with a leather cover from the desk, and sat on the sofa opposite Huang Jie.From the expression on his face, it can be seen that there are thousands of thoughts in his mind.
"I'll start by giving you a detailed account of my Mao illness. I honestly don't know if it's the right choice. When he first had it three years ago, I didn't tell you anything, did I?"
"You only explained it to my mother. Later, my mother only told me it was an 'inner disease'. She said that Dad had an inner disease, but he was cured."
"Yes, it should be..."
It should be cured, Tian Di seemed to be planning to say so, but he stopped talking halfway, blinked non-stop, and looked at the low table.
"What do you think about this matter? Do you want to know the details yourself?"
Huang Jie nodded without hesitation.Tian Di looked into Huang Jie's eyes, as if confirming his will.Maybe Tian Di tried his best to hide it, but the exhaustion can still be seen from the expression.Not only that, Huang Jie also saw a deep sadness behind his tired back.The reason why Tian Di suffered so much was not only Yoichiro's illness this time, no matter how unwilling Tian Di was, the incident sixteen years ago would definitely resurface in his memory.
Huang Jie once heard Yoichiro mention the incident that happened sixteen years ago.The accident in which a patient treated by Tian Di killed himself after being discharged from the hospital.It is said that at that time Tian Di was annoyed alone for several days, even several weeks.He lives in grief all day long, tearfully regretting his career as a psychiatrist.
It was also this incident that made Yoichiro give up his chance to become a psychiatrist.
"Daddy lost his nerve."
Yoichiro said so.
Yoichiro, who witnessed Tanji's extreme distress at close range, developed a great fear of becoming a psychiatrist.No matter what he did, he couldn't get rid of the fear.Yoichiro said that the marriage contract with Sakieda deepened his inner fear and anxiety.If one day, I fell into the same situation as Tian Di, what should I do?If one day, I fell into the abyss of regret like that, what should I do?Finally, Yoichiro finally decided to give up the national exam that was imminent at that time.
Later, Yoichiro married Sakieda and worked in a machinery manufacturing company that had nothing to do with medicine.Until three years ago, Yoichiro worked for that company.However, under the policy of supremacy of strength, Yoichiro's work has not been smooth.
Then, just three years ago, Yoichiro suffered from an inner disease.For this reason, he quit his job.After his heart disease was cured, he worked as a cleaner in the university affiliated hospital through Tian Di's introduction.
"Have you ever heard of 'excuse colic'?"
Tian Di asked suddenly.
"My Maode's disease is a bit like this. The so-called 'excuse abdominal pain' is of course a joke... For example, when the school teacher ordered cleaning, some students would definitely say 'teacher, my stomach hurts... ...' or something like an excuse, that's what it means."
Huang Jie nodded and urged Tian Di to continue talking.
"Sometimes, this phenomenon also occurs unconsciously in people's hearts. If people encounter any setbacks or insurmountable difficulties in life, sometimes they will have the idea of wanting to escape, but they may not realize it. My Mao's The disease is produced in such a psychological state. In terms of the name of the disease, I think it should be classified as a Schizophrenia. In the past, this disease was called schizophrenia.”
When Tian Di was about to continue talking, he glanced at Huang Jie, who showed a confused expression.
"Did I say it too hard?"
"Won't."
"I'm not used to explaining these things to elementary school students. If there is something you don't understand, just ask."
Tian Di moistened his throat with milk tea and continued:
"The human spirit world is very complicated. Compared with other animals, this is the greatest strength of human beings, but it is also the greatest weakness. The human spirit, like all complex things in the world, is very fragile. Really, like glass just as fragile."
Tian Di caressed the rim of the glass on the table with his fingertips.
"The so-called integration disorder is a condition of mental damage. There is an upper limit for the maximum pain in anyone's heart. If unfortunately, too much pain gathers in a person, and it exceeds the upper limit that that person can bear , then this disease will occur. If it is a child, you can choose to seal the painful experience in the deep memory, so as to avoid mental damage; but if it is an adult, I am afraid it is not so easy. Adults The mental state is much more complicated than that of a child, so it is easy to fall into a messy state. The symptoms of integration disorder are so diverse that it is difficult for us to tell what constitutes integration disorder.”
At this moment, Tian Di paused for a moment, and put his hand on the white beard.
"One of the symptoms is delusion. My Mao is entangled with delusion. It was like this three years ago, and it is still the same now."
"what is the reason?"
"First of all, the time three years ago must have been caused by the relapse of Sakieda's cancer cells."
Although this was the expected answer, Huang Jie still felt the pain of being poked by a stick in his chest.
Soon after Sakieda married Yoichiro, doctors discovered cancer cells in her body.After treatment, he thought he had recovered, but three years ago, Sakie went to the hospital for an examination due to physical discomfort, and found that the cancer cells had recurred.The doctor even said that the cancer cells had spread to all organs this time, and it was impossible to remove them all.Life can be extended if multiple organ transplants are performed, but such operations are quite expensive.At that time, Yoichiro ran around to raise money, begged all relatives, and bowed to all friends to borrow money.But in the end, Sakie refused to accept the operation.Her reason is that even if the internal organs are transplanted, there is no way to prolong life.
Perhaps, the real reason for Sakieda's refusal to undergo surgery is to worry about the future of Yoichiro and Osuke.
Perhaps, she didn't want Yoichiro and Huangsuke to fall into financial difficulties after death.
But now, no one can know what she really thinks.
"At that time, I, Mao, should regret that I didn't become a psychiatrist."
"What's the meaning?"
"To put it simply... it's the difference in income. If I were a doctor, I might be able to save Sakie, or prolong Sakie's life. I, Shigeru, might think so."
"Even if she has money, my mother may not want to undergo surgery. Even if my father is a doctor, he may not have enough money for her to undergo surgery."
"Yes, you are absolutely right."
"In that case..."
"But at a time like this, it doesn't matter what the facts are. What matters is what I think, Mao, and that's the crux of the matter."
Huang Jie nodded helplessly, feeling bitter in his mouth, like biting sand.Tian Di took a slow breath and continued:
"Three years ago, when the cancer cells in Sakieda's body recurred again, my heart fell into great regret. If I had taken the national examination at that time, if I had become a doctor at that time, if I hadn't worked in a private enterprise at that time... While repenting, I am afraid that a sense of guilt also arises in his heart. It is just like the guilt that survivors of a major earthquake hold for those victims. It has no reason at all, but this guilt makes him blame himself Deep, deep self-blame."
Tian Di sighed heavily and looked at his hands blankly.
"In the end, my heart, Mao, chose to escape and escape into the world of delusions."
Huang Jie felt that he was about to cry, and a picture clearly appeared in his mind: Yoichiro was holding his head with both hands, screaming and running into the darkness.save me, save me, save me...
"The delusion created in my Mao's mind made me think that I am a psychiatrist, and not just an ordinary psychiatrist, but an immoral doctor with contempt for patients."
Tian Di casually explained that the so-called "bad morality" means "having very bad thoughts".
"The reason probably comes from the mistakes I made back then. Sixteen years ago, I made a very big mistake, misjudged the patient's mental state, and caused the patient to commit a terrible act of murder. At that time, I Mao witnessed my pain up close and unknowingly developed an aggressive feeling towards those who suffer from mental illness. So, he delusional that he is a very bad psychiatrist."
Huang Jie didn't understand Tian Di's words, he only understood one thing, that is, Yoichiro's illness today is really helpless.
"Last night... Dad said something weird to Uncle Shuicheng. He said that Uncle Shuicheng 'thought he was a university researcher'. It sounded like..."
"It seems to be talking about my own situation, isn't it?"
"Yes. Why is that?"
Tian Di stared at the leather cover of the notebook on the low table for a while, and then said:
"It's a psychological mechanism called projection. When people see something bad in their minds, they often deny it, thinking 'that's not me'. For example, if a classmate in school says "Someone hates me", the truth is often the opposite. In other words, it is actually the classmate who hates someone. He finds that he hates someone, but he doesn't want to admit it, so he switches his position with the other person..., so you Can you understand?"
Huang Jie nodded.
"My Mao's heart is also in the same situation. He must have noticed his illness deep in his heart. He knows that he has the same illness as three years ago, and delusions appear in his mind, but he doesn't want to admit it. No matter what, he has to deny the fact that he has relapsed. Therefore, he projected himself on Shuicheng, and the person who had delusions was not himself, but Shuicheng. With this kind of thinking, he could conceal the distortion in his heart. As for why he chose Shuicheng , probably because Shuicheng is very familiar with him."
"shadow……?"
"The projected object is called a shadow. The water city is my shadow."
Tian Di picked up the teacup and brought it close to his mouth, but he didn't take a sip, sighed slightly, and put it back on the low table.
"My Mao and Shuicheng used to be my students. Both of them worked hard. They are good rivals and good friends."
Three years ago, when Yoichiro fell ill, Mizushiro kindly helped Sakieda and Osuke a lot.Shuicheng not only cares about Yoichiro very much, but also pays great attention to Sakieda and Huangsuke.Yoichiro didn't know that the reason Shuicheng bought the new apartment two years ago was also because he was worried that Yoichiro would get sick again.Symptoms that have occurred in the past are likely to recur again.Shuicheng, who was so worried, not only moved because of this, but also asked Sakieda for the spare key of my Mao's house for safety reasons.But in retrospect, these intentions were of no use at all.
"Schizophrenia, delusions, projections, shadows... These are all things I taught them. At that time, I never thought that these terms would be used on them..."
Before he finished speaking, Tian Di fell into silence, appearing in a state of trance.
"My dad got sick again this time, is it because my mom passed away?"
Huang Jie's voice echoed in the narrow consulting room.Tian Di tucked his chin under his collar and nodded quietly.
"I think so. In addition, he did not abandon his usual cleaning work, so it can be seen that his paranoia should be fragmented. The characteristic of this disease is that the onset and non-onset states appear alternately. In my case, Mao Judging from the current state, although his mental state has fallen into loneliness due to Sakieda's death, it will only occur when various thoughts in his head disrupt the balance."
The word "loneliness" echoed in Huang Jie's mind.
"But, don't you still have me? Although my mother is dead, I'm still here."
"It is a pity……"
Tian Di accepted Huang Jie's sight with pitiful eyes.
"In my Mao's heart, you belong to the 'person who needs to be protected', not someone who has a mature will and can help him."
"It means, even if I'm with Dad, is Dad still alone?"
Tian Di didn't know how to answer Huang Jie's question, so he had to give an extremely vague answer:
"It's not one person, but it can't be counted as two people... Maybe that's what happened."
An endless sadness welled up in Huang Jie's heart.The fundus of the eye hurts, and the tears flow out continuously.Ever since Sakieda died, he has been by Yoichiro's side, spending all the time together, breakfast, sports lunch, the clothes they hang together... These memories are all in Osuke's mind.Why can't I do it myself?Why can't I be a dependent person?
"This is also helpless. But you don't have to worry, I will cure my Mao again, definitely, definitely."
Tian Di finally said so.
Tian Di asked Huang Jie if he wanted to visit Yoichiro, but Huang Jie was still unable to make up his mind.If he saw Yoichiro, he would definitely show a sad expression.Let Yoichiro see his sad expression, it will only make him worry.
"He should still be undergoing a health check. You can go and have a chat with him. Of course, if you don't want to see him today, you can wait until the next time."
"No, I want to see him."
Huang Jie and Tian Di came to the corridor, walked down the stairs, and came to the next floor.Yoichiro was in a bright ward in the middle of the corridor.The young female nurse who was wrapping the sphygmomanometer around Yoichiro's arm saw Osuke and Tada standing at the door, and asked with a smile:
"Huh? Teacher Tiandi is here too? Didn't you say you want the children to come here by themselves?"
"Well, there are some reasons, so we came here together."
Tian Di hesitated to answer, then coughed lightly.
Huangsuke stood at the door and called Yoichiro, but Yoichiro didn't respond at all, he just looked at the gray blood pressure cuff on his arm without moving.Seeing him like this, Huang Jie felt very heartbroken.
"I'm Mao, Huang Jie is here."
Tianchi put his palm on Yoichiro's shoulder, Yoichiro raised his head, looked at Tiandi with empty eyes, then looked at Huangsuke, and then...
"dad……"
Then, he silently turned his gaze back to his arm.Huang Jie was stunned on the spot, and Tian Di comforted at the side:
"Don't worry, he's just a little confused, and he'll be fine soon, really."
"I know."
Huang Jie couldn't stay any longer, he turned his back to the room and came to the corridor, Tian Di walked beside him.As he left the door, he turned his head to look at Yoichiro one last time.At this time, Yoichiro was also looking at him, and his eyes were completely different from before, becoming bright and energetic.
"dad……"
Yoichiro raised his right hand and made an "L" gesture with two fingers on his face.
"Well, what's the matter?"
Tian Di also turned around.But by then, Yoichiro had put his right hand back on his lap.
"nothing."
Tian Di and Huang Jie walked towards the corridor again.Huang Jie looked at his toes, thinking about the meaning of Yoichiro's action just now, why did Yoichiro make that gesture?
Notes:
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