Chapter 3 Chapter two

Willis pulled up a chair and sat down beside Acklan's bed, his notebook on his lap.He guessed his presence was unwelcome, and the way the young man stared icily at the opposite wall confirmed his suspicions. "I have some good news and some bad news, Charles. The good news is that your parents have decided to go home. The bad news is that Tony Galbraith's description of you clearly It's an exaggeration." At least he had Acland's attention.The lieutenant's good eye blinked in Willis' direction. "The surgeons are going to do their best, but in the end it's you who decides how much scarring you're going to live with. You learn how to live with a different face. No matter how good your medical team is, no matter how good your No matter how high the expectations for the future are, there will always be a gap between reality and hope."

Ackland snorted what sounded like a sneer, "If I had to get a psychiatrist to tell me this, it would be worse than I thought." Willis refrained from commenting on his progress in speech. "It's not good," he agreed bluntly. "Your bone-deep muscles, your eyelids, one of your eyes, have been burned by shrapnel. Actually, you should be prepared, you There will be some permanent scarring on the left side of my face and some problems with nerve and muscle function." "Got it, I understand. I'll try to accept reality, sir." Willis smiled. "Just call me Robert, Charles. I'm not in the military. I'm a general psychiatrist who specializes in trauma."

"Head trauma?" "Not necessarily. Most wounded have a hard time transitioning from active duty to sick, like, I guess you'd rather be up than be stuck in bed." "There's nothing wrong with my legs." "Maybe not, but you were really lucky to get in and out of bed yesterday. Think about how you came in... the meds you were on...the fact that you just had a major surgery a week ago... …Your brain hasn’t had time to adapt to monocular vision. It stands to reason that you’ll fall to the ground with your first step.” "but I do not have." "Yes, you don't. You have a strong body like a bull and the balance ability of a tightrope walker." He looked at the young lieutenant curiously, "How did you grab your mother's wrist so easily? It stands to reason that you are still Not so agile."

Akram took out a ball-like thing from under the sheet and passed it from one hand to the other, "I've been practicing." "Why don't you want people to know?" He shrugged. "It's like a zoo here...I'm the newest exhibit here. People keep poking me and poking me. See how I react. Most of the time, I don't want to perform." "Is that why you closed the door last night?" "part of the reason." "Any other reason?" "To show that I can. I know someone will eventually come in and show they're doing their job."

"The senior nurse thinks you're scary." "Okay." He said with satisfaction. Willis took notes, "Don't you like her?" "Should I?" Strange answer, thought Willis, with a dry chuckle. "You're not in my usual remit, Charles. It usually takes a few weeks for patients to become as overbearing as you are, and they first show Grateful, then start complaining, only to become irritable when things aren't going as fast as they'd like." He pauses, "Are you in pain?" "If I'm in pain, I'll ask for pain relievers."

The psychiatrist looked at the notes again, "But you never asked for it. For the record, you never used a patient-controlled analgesia syringe pump, and you refused pain medication. Could it be that you really don't feel pain... or do you Machiavel at work?" He paused, expecting a response from Acklan, "You should feel a constant dull ache around your surgical site, and every time you cough or move, you should feel There's a sharp tingle. Isn't it like that?" "I can live with it." "You don't need to. Your recovery will not be accelerated just because you can endure the pain, it may even hinder your recovery." He examined the young man's indifferent face, "Is your amnesia still worrying you? Do you blame the analgesics or painkillers for the memory loss?"

"If I turned myself into a zombie, what would I remember?" "You thought the pain was any different? It's the same as morphine, it makes you lose focus." He saw Ackland throwing the ball back and forth again to prove him wrong, "Okay , maybe your situation is different." He said with a cool sense of humor, "So what do you remember so far?" "Nothing. There was a flash in my head where I was driving down an unfamiliar road... but now I think it was just a dream." "I don't think so. Fragments of memory always feel like dreams at first. If you know the context, you'll believe it's not a dream." He leaned forward encouragingly, "If you can remember your You don’t have this uncertainty. I guess what’s bothering you the most right now is your doubts about your own leadership, don’t you?”

Acram stared at him sternly.He has no intention of discussing his fears with anyone, let alone a therapist. Willis took off his glasses to give himself an excuse to look away. "There's nothing to worry about your amnesia, Charles," he murmured, wiping the glasses with the corner of the Ackland sheet, "the brain, like any other part of the body, when it's hit , it leaves a scar, it just takes time to heal." "okay then." "If the metal shrapnel was coming at you from a different angle, or you weren't wearing a helmet when you were thrown out of the car; you'd be in a lot more trouble. If your skull was perforated or shattered, it's a very different story. It's very difficult for the brain to recover from damage like that."

"So I'm lucky?" "Of course...if your only choice is between a severe brain injury and a concussion. The real good luck of course is that the shrapnel didn't hit you at all." He put his glasses back on. "I guess you don't I like being told you're lucky." "why would you say so?" "You lost your temper with the nurse yesterday because she saw you doing better than the other patients and urged you to cheer up." "That's not what she said." "What did she say?" "She asked me to stand up, so I asked her to get my hands off." He squeezed the ball in his hand tightly, "She told me that you really thought well, and stomped out. I Haven't seen her since."

Willis was confused. "You mean she touched you where she shouldn't?" "No, Doctor," Ackland replied sarcastically, "I mean she's standing on one leg in that corner, spinning a light Spanish three-step dance. It's really not a big deal. But, I Don't like being treated like a piece of meat...but maybe I'm the only one here who feels that way." "Do you want to sue her?" "Impossible. Who will believe me when she has made up a story?" Really, who would believe that?There had never been a similar complaint against Tracy Fielding, at least according to Willis.It’s interesting how Tracy’s and Ackland’s narratives are very similar, but with just a little twist, it’s possible to infuse the incident with sexual harassment.He didn't know if Aklan deliberately interpreted more meanings in the words "stand up".If so, Ackland's situation really worried the doctor, but he didn't press the question further.

He changed the subject and asked Akram if he could see his parents before they left. "They're downstairs and would love to say goodbye." "Do you have a mirror? I'd be more sympathetic if I knew what kept my mom crying." Willis shook his head. "There's nothing to see but the bandages, Charles." The lieutenant pointed to the right side of the face, "Not this side." "Yeah, it's not pretty there either. I don't want you to get the wrong information either. You have a black eye, bruised skin, and a swollen face... but none of the damage is permanent, almost Days later you will fully recognize yourself." "I don't dare to bet on this." Although there was a hint of sarcasm in Aklan's tone, he said the truth, "Mom always flips through the photos in her wallet to remind herself what I used to look like...Dad Said that when I first arrived here, my appearance had changed so much - he said my head was swollen to twice its normal size - he couldn't believe that the soldier on the surgery trolley was his son. " "There's nothing strange about this, Charles. Often times this kind of injury affects the family more than the person. The patient knows what he has to do next - survive and get well - but to achieve this goal, it takes Great energy support of self-centeredness. If he let his own family consume this energy, it will be more difficult. Parents and spouses often don't understand this, they believe in the myth that love heals everything. Once their love is not Needed, they feel rejected." Akram stared at his hands. "I wish you'd told my parents this. That sounds like a better reason to attack my mother than the real reason." "Then what's the real reason?" "Too many nasty questions." "Someone told me she wanted to brush your hair." "That's one of the reasons." "What are the problems?" "Nothing worth mentioning." Aklan saw his father protecting his mother as he walked in like a lamb, and said goodbye to him.He wondered if his lack of guilt was because his mother had finally been forced into submission.For her needs, he said nice things, said sorry to her, and asked her to kiss him on the cheek to cover up all the unhappiness that happened, but they both knew it was just a game.The handshake he gave his father was a little warmer, but only because he knew what blame the man would face for his son's crimes. As time passed and his memory began to recover, Ackland asked Robert Willis why the process was so elusive. "Why can't you figure it out?" "I remember some things, but in fits and starts." "What things?" "People...press conference...a couple of scouts we did...extremely hot...terrain." "Do you remember your two privates?" Aklan nodded, "Here is a cleaner who looks like Barry when he smiles. Every time I see him, some past scenes will flash in my mind." "Where's Doug?" "Yes, I remember. Two fine lads." "Do you remember the day you were attacked?" "No. I don't even remember the assignment I got." "But you know what it is. I showed you the report. Intelligence was warned that the convoy might be attacked, so your commanding officer sent his best team out to scout. His subordinates have 100% confidence." "What else can he say?" Ackland sneered. "If he disparages us, morale will hit rock bottom. If the commanders don't support them, soldiers will question what the hell they are doing. The British public believes that It's bad enough that we're fighting a rotten war." He passed the time by watching the 24-hour TV news channel in the ward.Occasionally, Willis chides him for this, arguing that such intensive viewing of value-challenging news reports creates a distorted worldview.War is the currency of these news purveyors and means nothing to the people walking the streets.Ackland turned a deaf ear to doctors, denying any emotional involvement with British soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the despondency that comes with each new death. "The Commander thinks very highly of you," Willis reminded him. "He says you three are the best fighters. Don't you get medals for that?" "It was only mentioned when we were dispatched. If we were the best, we wouldn't be attacked so easily." Willis gave him a thoughtful look, then rummaged through the files on his lap and pulled out a sheet. "This is a paragraph from the investigation report. Lieutenant Akland's machete was attacked by two sets of homemade explosive devices buried in a roadside culvert. The two sets of bombs were detonated simultaneously when the vehicle passed. The culvert was covered by advanced underground drainage equipment. The explosion was detonated by a remote control signal." His finger slid down, "The report detailed evidence obtained from the scene and the video of the insurgents, the report reads: This shows that they are constructing, camouflaging, Expertise in placement and detonation of IEDs, which have so far only been seen in Northern Ireland. Future training must include new techniques in this area to avoid further casualties. Just a reminder It’s not enough to be vigilant for a burnt-out car on the side of the road or a single type of bomb in a trash can.” He looked up. "What they're saying is: You have no choice. You and your comrades are the first victims of a new form of attack, and your only mistake was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He saw the sneer on Aklan's face, "What makes you think it's your fault?" "nothing." "Have any of your subordinates expressed dissatisfaction with your orders?" "I don't remember...but maybe I just chose to forget." Willis smiled faintly, "You're confusing different types of amnesia, Charles. Your amnesia is generally called retrograde amnesia—usually the result of head trauma or disease, not by choice. Emotional amnesia Sexual amnesia is caused by a traumatic psychological experience that may involve an element of choice. In some cases, the trauma is so devastating to a person's faculties that he blocks all memory of the event from Deal with the blow." He paused, "I haven't seen any indication that your amnesia has an emotional basis...but, perhaps, there's something else you haven't told me?" "Like what?" "What happened before you left England for Iraq?" Aklan stared at him for a moment, "It's nothing important." This is the most satisfying answer for him, Willis thought. "Maybe it doesn't matter," he murmured, "but I'm sure most people would think that being dumped by their fiancée on the day they left was—" He searched for the right word, "frustrating." A trace of anger flashed across the young man's face. "Who told you that?" "Your parents. They couldn't understand why you never mentioned Jen, or why she never called or sent a card...so your mother called her. Jen told your mother she couldn't hold on Waiting for you, she thinks it would be fairer to tell you before you leave. Is that so?" "Almost." Aklan took out the medicine ball again, and tossed it in both hands in boredom, "This must have pissed my mom off, and she must have felt bad when she heard that it was Jane who dumped me." See through." "why?" "She spent months trying to get me to get rid of Jen." "Should you have abandoned Jane? Didn't your mother like her?" "Of course not. She hates competition." This Willis can be trusted.He admired Mrs. Acland's delicate and pretty face, but he didn't like her.He saw no more sincerity than Ackland in her striking grief, "You were annoyed by Jane's letter?" "I've never read it." "She told your mother that she sent it to your base by registered mail." "I'm too lazy to read...throw it in the trash can." Willis tapped the notes on his knee with the tip of his pen, "You must know what was written in the letter. You removed Jane from your death notice list." "when?" "Probably upon arrival in Iraq." "I do not remember." "Do you remember any feeling of sadness? Are you feeling sad now?" "No." Willis is skeptical. "Most of us feel grief when a relationship ends, Charles. Novelists don't write about broken hearts without reason. Sometimes the pain can last for months." "I don't feel anything for her." Willis decided on a different tack. "And what do you think of your commander? Would you describe him as a good guy?" "Of course. He lost his temper a lot, but he never held a grudge." "And what do you think about your job? You talked about demoralization earlier. Were you demoralized when you were in Iraq?" "It's not where I'm at... but we don't have much contact with the locals either. It's the fighters on the front line in Basra who are confronting the resentment of the locals, and they all say it's hard to deal with it." "Have you ever been afraid?" "Had." "when?" "Every time a car with one driver came towards us. Until he passed, we held our breath lest he was a suicide attacker." "So, you remember some feelings — you liked the people you worked with, you had moments of low morale, you had times of fear — but you suppressed your feelings for your fiancée. What do you think that means?" Akram shrugged mockingly, "Does that mean I have to forget about her in order for the other functions to work?" "Unless you haven't forgotten her, or you just don't like her anymore." Willis saw him fold his hands together, squeezing the air monotonously from between them, "If you read her letter, you think you'd have What does it feel like?" "I didn't read it." He's lying, Willis thought, "You're going to feel hurt?" The lieutenant shook his head. "I'd be very angry." "Then you'll be angry whether you read it or not, because you obviously know it's a breakup letter." He took off his glasses and wiped them with his cuff. "Why does this anger worry you?" "Who said you worried me?" "You imply that your amnesia has an emotional basis, that you've struggled with anger since you were sent here. It's a strong emotion. I wonder if you also think that, on some level, This anger caused you to be ineffective in command." "how to say?" "Not concentrating." Willis put his glasses back on and looked at the young man. "I wonder if you've been blaming your men's deaths on the fact that you were preoccupied with Jane...and you let yourself Believe me, that's what made you forget about the attack. You think you were at fault." Akram didn't answer. "I don't pretend that I understand every mechanism of how the brain works, Charles—it's a complex organ, containing about 100 billion neurons—but I doubt the relevance of those two things. In your deployment You might be distracted for the first week, but not after two months. I can imagine you put Jen in the box and focus on the suicide bomb - most of us in this That's what happens in every situation - your anger at her is never involved. It's hard to believe you'd put a bomb in a box and focus on her, wouldn't it be... every time a car drives by, you'd Hold your breath?" "Yes." The young lieutenant's hand suddenly relaxed, "but it's weird. She's a goddamn good in bed. I'm supposed to feel something." ...Charles doesn't quite believe me.His reluctance to talk about his anxieties clearly had something to do with his desire to return to serve in the army.He thought I was acting as a "mental health monitor" for the military. (Question: How worried is he about his mental state?) …he paid too much attention to his mental health assessment and not enough attention to his physical impairments.I don't know if it's because he has adjusted well to the fact of losing one eye, but can't deal with various mental shocks, such as this sudden non-working state... the death of his men... ...incompetence...guilt, etc... ...a change of temperament.Whether such a turn of events would lead to a change in temperament is hard to say, but his current demeanor—calm restraint with occasional outbursts of bad temper—seems new.Commander described him as a "popular, outgoing officer with excellent leadership and social skills"...Parents described him as a "very caring, trustworthy, good man with countless good friends".These all show his confident and outgoing personality, able to strictly adhere to the traditional life of the middle class. (Question: Why do I see an angry, introspective "rebellious youth"?) ...I'm amazed at Charles' IQ, it seems to be well above average.He was very alert, very, very observant—for example, he could attach himself to an IV drip accurately—and he learned how to compensate for monovision in record time.He is also very proactive and has developed a unique fitness regime since being allowed out of bed. … He was secretive about his relationship with his family, blocking questions about his parents on the pretext that he got along well with them. (Note: This is obviously untrue, especially concerning his mother.) However, he does describe them at one point as "mutually attracted" and "complacent".When I asked him if that meant he felt excluded, he said, "Not at all. I've always liked being alone." …he claimed to have been sent to boarding school at the age of eight, yet he was doing well. "It gave me an independent personality." (Note: Independence seems to be important to him. He sees his family farm as "balls and chains." "I'm an only child and they expect me to marry and have children and inherit the damn farm.") ...his indifference towards his fiancée seems genuine, even though he gets annoyed at the mention of her.He said she was "history" and therefore it was pointless to talk about her.He shows the same indifference to those who send him cards.He neither wrote nor called, and he asked that visitors be turned away. ... self-isolation.He spends his time thinking alone or watching the news on TV.He often avoids or rudely interrupts attempts to communicate with him.He distrusts and even despises medical staff and other patients, has difficulty controlling frustration with behavior he perceives as stupid or insensitive, and turns anger and aggression into physical behavior, such as clasping hands and squeezing each other or clenching his fists. …he rejects the idea of ​​disfigurement as a motivator, claiming he doesn't care what other people think. (Note: This is almost certainly untrue. He exhibits the typical symptoms of someone with a facial dysmorphia...sees himself as a "freak show"...doesn't like being stared at...can't properly judge other people's reactions... ...mistrustful of displays of friendship...frequently talked about being in a "zoo"...turning the chair so that the uninjured side of the face is facing the door.) ...attitudes toward sex.Although he describes Jen as "a goddamn bed-savvy," he blocks any sexual questions, displaying sexually repressive tendencies.He is highly protective of himself, especially his genitals.He was disgusted with the female nurses and accused one of the male nurses of being gay. (Question: Is this repression or obsession? Question: Sexual orientation? Not sure.) …traumatic brain injury and subsequent antisocial behavior.I asked Henry Watson to take another look at his CAT scan for damage to the frontal lobe.He still didn't think so, but suggested a second scan, with an MRI.He confirmed my assessment that Charles' current symptoms were not typical of antisocial personality, but declined to comment on whether this personality change had occurred suddenly or evolved over time. … he expressed concern about Charles’ contemptuous behavior, which he said suggested arrogance, a lack of empathy and a lack of capacity for emotional connection, but he was less concerned about Charles’ aggression — he believed Charles was attacking his mother , The act of clenching a fist is just a "hot blood". (Note: Typically, sociopaths do not vent their anger when they are angry, but they plan violent revenge in a calm, "cold-blooded" way.) ……revenge.Watson suggested I contact his ex-fiancée to see if Charles had made any attempts to contact her... From: Jennifer Morley ([email protected]) Sent time: 16:56, February 21, 2007 To: [email protected] Subject: Lieutenant Charles Ackland Dear Dr. Willis: thank you for your mail.I hope you don't mind me replying by email, I think it's quicker.First, I will answer your last question.No, Charlie hasn't contacted me since before he left for Iraq.In fact, if his mother hadn't called me, I wouldn't even have known he was injured and which hospital he was in.I learned from his mother that Charlie didn't even tell his mother that we had broken up.I'm not surprised by this!As far as I know, he never really told his parents anything. I am so saddened to hear of Charlie's misfortune.I was annoyed that Charlie didn't even want me to know that something like this had happened.He has to realize that I still care about him.We’ve been together for about nine months in total—the first two weeks were dating on and off, the next four weeks we were in a relationship, and last July we got engaged.I've written to him several times, but I haven't heard back yet.I also called the hospital every few days, but the operator was unwilling to connect me. I thought that meant he couldn't write or talk, but from your letter it looks like he's up and moving and recovering fairly well.His mother said he had amnesia.From the suffix of your name, I guess you are a psychiatrist.Am I right?So, are you helping with his amnesia?Maybe I should mention that my cell phone has rang a few times lately, but when I answer, there's just silence and the calling number is always hidden.I thought it was a harassing call at first, but now I wonder if it's Charlie.If so, can you tell him I'd love to talk to him? I can't believe he's forgotten me—it's impossible, isn't it?I mean, we were so close.I'm not sure what the amnesia is all about, but I'd love for Charlie to forget why we broke up.It was a senseless and stupid quarrel, which I now regret terribly.I could feel the guy on the phone really wanted to talk to me, but lost his nerve when he heard my voice.Do you think that's Charlie? You said that knowing more about me and our relationship together would help you help Charlie heal, which means Charlie didn't tell you anything about us.Why am I not surprised at all? ! ! ! (You're dealing with a mouth that's already zipped. Charlie never talks about himself, and it all goes back to his mother, who's the ultimate control freak. When she called me On the phone, I was amazed. I've only met her once and she doesn't like me at all. According to Charlie, it's because we're both so pretty!) Charlie is a chameleon.He shows different faces to different people.With Legion, he's the man a man sees; with me, he's the kind of man women want;I once accused him of lacking the confidence to be who he is, but he said there was no need to argue unless absolutely necessary.The thing is, the argument ended up happening anyway, which is why we broke up.A silly little quarrel turned into an all-out big war. I'm not the kind of daughter-in-law Charlie's parents expected.He should have married a housewife, not an ambitious London actress.I've had a few small roles on television, but most of my work is in theater.Mary and Anthony had originally agreed to our engagement, but changed their minds in ten seconds when they heard that I had no plans to leave London and conceive anytime soon.In fact, so what if I wanted to.Charlie then flew into a fit of rage—he would never want to be on his parents’ farm—and his parents blamed me for inciting him against staying at home.This caused many fights between them and inevitably spilled over into our relationship. We met at the New Year's party at the end of 2005.Charlie was more intriguing at first than I was—he told me it was love at first sight—but he was the kind of guy you grew to like.He was very persistent, very generous, very irresistible.In some ways, he was every woman's ideal man -- polite, patient, handsome, firm and kind.But on the other hand, he's a bit of a nightmare because he's deeply repressed and only speaks out when he's angry. Yes, I did send him a breakup letter the day before he left for Iraq.The last time we met - a week ago - we had a big fight and he didn't even apologize to me.I think now that he must have felt a lot of pressure to go to war, but at the time, he did say some unforgivable things, so I don't think the relationship was worth it.I confide in a friend, and she says the use of violence is inexcusable no matter what.She also said that it would be better to break it sooner than later, and it would be fairer for everyone to tell him earlier. I now regret writing that letter because I should have understood him better.Charlie always hides his feelings so it's hard to tell if he's nervous or scared, but now I really believe he was both nervous and scared before leaving for Iraq.He once said that drills don't really test a soldier's ability to fight a war because they know they won't die in training.Another time, he said that a commander must be competent or let his men down.I think he must have had these worries on his mind at the time, and I regret now that I took my friend's advice.I really shouldn't have listened to her.If I hadn't done that, he might have come back safe and sound. I have nothing else to say except that I would love to see him.I did wonder if your letter meant he felt the same way as I do... I'm not saying we'll instantly get back to our old relationship or get along in the same way - I can't have anything like the old days Just as possessive as ever - but for me, there was a long time when we were so close and there was a lot of love and affection between us.Will you tell him this? Thanks! best wishes! For more information on Jen Morley visit: www.jenmorley.co.uk