Chapter 8 the slide

"So I hope you allow me to marry Ling Qianjin..." After Tochidate said this, my father just nodded silently.This demeanor didn't seem like he was agreeing to Tochidate's request.I heard everything you said—his reaction seemed to be nothing more than a statement. After my father took out a cigarette from the cigarette box on the table, he didn't bring it to his mouth, but kept playing with his fingertips.His eyes also fell on the cigarettes, and he didn't raise his eyes to look at me... "Uncle, can't you agree?" Tochidate seemed unable to endure such suffering, and asked with a creaking voice.

"No." My father looked up at Tochikan.His eyebrows jumped up and down slightly.This is my father's habit when he is nervous. "Marriage should be based on the mutual love of the parties. I think that as a father, I have nothing to say for or against. This is my idea in principle. Mikiko is an adult, and I also believe that she should have Considerable judgment, I express my gratitude and respect to you for coming to propose marriage in accordance with the rules, but I don't think it is necessary for me to express my approval for this matter." "Uncle, even though you say that..."

While talking, Tochidate stared at me in bewilderment.Does your father agree to our marriage? ——This is what his gaze is asking me. And why don't I also feel confused? "I have no objection to what kind of man you choose to be your lifelong partner" - my father did say this several times.From this point of view, his answer to Tochidate should not be unusual.But what I was looking forward to in my heart were some words full of warmth. "My daughter is too ignorant, I hope you will take good care of her" - this may be an ordinary statement, but won't Tochidate feel more relieved after hearing it? "I don't want to meddle in my daughter's affairs" - my father's words sounded so indifferent to me.

"But..." the father said again, "My daughter marrying you doesn't mean that our father-daughter relationship is over. From now on, you will often come to my house to play..." "Yes, of course." "Then I'll ask you two or three questions now, okay?" "Yes, uncle, please advise." Tochidate made his sitting posture more upright on the sofa, and he seemed very welcome to listen to my father's questioning. "What was your initial motivation for having a crush on Mikiko?" "The original motive?" Tochidate looked at my face as if asking for advice.As a technician, maybe he didn't fully understand the meaning of my father's question? "Ms. Mu Shuzi and I met when we participated in a mountaineering trip organized by the company. Later, we watched a movie together..."

"No, that's not what I asked... Forget it, let me change the way I ask. Based on this..." My father picked up the paper from the table.This is the resume including family status that Tochidate wrote. "Your father passed away two years ago. You are currently living with Lingtang. You are the eldest son at home, and you have a younger brother who is 4 years younger than you. Do you have any sisters?" "Yes, it turns out that there is a younger sister under me...but she died when she was young." For some reason, Tochidate looked at my face with an uneasy expression.

"Did he die from illness?" My father asked, looking into Tochidate's eyes. "No, this..." Tochidate replied with a distorted face.I've never seen him look like this. Then he reached for the cigarette case. I unconsciously picked up the lighter on the table and lit it for him. Tochidate and I met our eyes. After blinking a few times, he looked at my father and said: "My sister...she died in an accident. May I talk about this sister?" "Please. I want you to speak out." My father nodded solemnly. "Miss Mikiko—" Tochidate called out my name.

"What's the matter?" "That was a long time ago. When I first came over to your house, you used to show me your picture album—do you remember?" "I remember, it was a Saturday afternoon..." Both my father and I are inconvenient to interrupt, so we just listened to him silently?stated.I found that Tochidate's tone of voice was a little different from usual, and even had a hint of acting... "At that time, I was greatly surprised that Ms. Mikiko looked so much like my younger sister, Kinko. This sentence should be correct to say that when Ms. ..."

"At what age was your younger sister, Kuniko, dead?" "That was shortly after she turned two..." "How old were you yourself at the time?" I asked again and again.Because I found his voice a bit gloomy, I couldn't help asking this question for a moment. "This sister and I are only a little over a year apart, so to be precise, I was 3 years and 10 months old, right?" "A child who is only 3 years and 10 months old, will he remember his dead sister so clearly?" In fact, Tochidate's memory is indeed superhuman.After I casually talked about my classmates in school, he was able to remember these names firmly.Even so, it's too outrageous for a person to be able to remember things from a three- or four-year-old child so clearly?

"No." Tochidate smiled wryly, "I didn't say that I remembered my younger sister. I just said that the younger sister in the photo is very similar to you in the childhood photos." "Really? But, why didn't you tell me about this before?" I have a slight dissatisfaction with this matter.After showing him my photo album, we have met dozens of times.And among them, he never used this as a topic, isn't it too unnatural?Could it be that he deliberately avoided this matter?If so, what is the purpose of this? "When I found out that Ms. Mikiko's childhood face was very similar to my sister's, to be honest, I felt confused. This kind of psychology is more appropriate to say that it is a sense of fear rather than confusion. I He is a person who is not good at speaking, I really don't know how to express it..."

No such thing! —I thought to myself.Usually he is indeed a person who is not good at talking, and this is what I like.Greasy men are what I hate the most. However, today he is by no means a person who is not good at talking.Although his words were not very fluent, his attitude of talking with emotion was quite cautious. "At the same time," Tochidate continued, "I feel the presence of fate. The reason why I fell in love with this woman must have been arranged by my sister..." "Please don't use such words, will you?" I said it reflexively without thinking.Arranged by the dead sister in the dark - this way of expression is too unlike a technician.

"That's not what I meant, I hope you don't misunderstand. What I want to say is... I was destined to marry you. At the same time, I think it's best for my mother..." "Huh?! Why is it best for Lingtang?" My father looked at the family column on the resume and asked. It read: "Mother Misako is 48 years old". "For my mother, my younger sister is her only daughter, and Ms. Mikiko is very similar to my younger sister, so..." "You want me to be your younger sister's substitute, don't you?" I pouted and said.It turns out that he has such a purpose, that's why he approached me?I feel an unspeakable sadness. "Well——" Tochidate nodded and said, "Maybe you will be dissatisfied, but I am free from such a consciousness, this is my sincerity. Because, this sister was killed by me!" "What?!" I cried out unconsciously.Tochidate stared at me with gloomy eyes. It is said that Tochidate did not know the truth of this matter until he was in elementary school. When he went to a nearby children's house to play, he heard the whispers of the adults in the family: "He pushed my sister down the slide." Tochidate asked his mother immediately after returning home.But his mother did not give him a positive answer vaguely.She seems to have later told her father about it, and he brought him to the shrine early next morning. "Listen carefully," said the father. "In a normal family, parents usually hide this kind of thing from their children. I intended to do that too, but after all, this kind of thing can't be hidden for a lifetime. Instead of leaking it later And let you be hit, I think it's better to tell you the truth now, so that you don't hate us when you return. At the same time, I also hope that you will work harder for the sake of Jiurenzi..." This is my father's opening statement. "In short, there is a slide in our yard. When my sister and I were playing together, I pushed my sister down. My sister, who was only a little over two years old at the time, broke her skull and seemed to be killed on the spot." Tochidate said those words in one breath. "So..." I thought of something in my mind, "Once, when we were about to sit down on the bench in the park, you suddenly said not to sit here! As a result of my question, your answer was You hated slides since you were a kid..." "Yes." Tochidate sighed deeply as he extinguished his cigarette. "I seem to remember that my father told me about this when I was in the second grade of primary school. Later, I developed a habit similar to slide phobia... It's the same until now. Whenever I see a child playing on a slide, I can't help it. The ground would shout 'Don't play!'." "Did it happen when you were in the second grade of elementary school?" My father murmured with some emotion. "You don't think it's necessary to tell the truth to such a young child, do you? I think my parents were right. Although I was still very young, it seemed to me that I felt the love of my parents." "Parental love?" "How do you say this?... In the eyes of my parents, I am their other child's enemy, am I not? Every time they see me, they must think of another child being killed by me, right? Not only did my parents not treat me coldly because of this, on the contrary, they loved me even more. I wrote an essay on it when I was in elementary school... However, I was scolded by my mother at that time. She said that this kind of thing doesn't need to be written to let people know." "Mr. Tochidate, you were born in F City, weren't you? How long did you live in F City?" my father asked. "Until I graduated from elementary school. Later, my father changed jobs and we moved. He used to be a police officer, and then an old colleague wanted to start a business in Tokyo, so he was invited to help this friend. gone." "Dad." I remembered a question and said, "You are not married yet. When you first became a journalist, didn't you stay in the F branch for a while? At that time, did you hear about this incident about Mr. Tochidate? ?” I figured my father should have kept a record of the incident. Because when I reported the affair with Tochidate to my father through my mother, the first thing he asked was this sentence: "The last name is Tochidate... Could this be someone from F City?" "Yes, how do you know?" "Because I used to know people with this surname when I was working in the F branch. ... There seem to be many people with this surname in the area." My father and I had this conversation before. I remembered this incident.My father has an impression of the surname "Tochidate", probably because he interviewed the news at that time, so he got it? My father did not answer my question, but said to Tochidate: "I want to ask a little more detail, do you mind?" "I don't mind, please tell me." "The incident where you pushed your sister down the slide...do you remember clearly?" "I have no memory. I was three years and 10 months old." Tochidate showed a surprised expression and replied respectfully. "Then do you remember the funeral?" "I have a little impression of that. It seems that many guests have come to the house..." "Isn't that strange? The incident happened and the funeral was only two or three days apart. Why don't you remember the incident?" "This……" Tochidate tilted his head.His surprised expression seemed to be revealed because he didn't understand why my father raised such a question. "Then have you ever had such a dream?" "Dream? You mean a dream of the event, don't you?" "Yeah, that's how you pushed your sister off the slide." "I really have no such memory." Tochidate showed an increasingly surprised expression. "Dad, why is this happening?" I asked. My father, who was an editorial committee member of the newspaper, read a lot, and his curiosity was second to none.Therefore, "Can this matter be explained by psychology?"I asked him that. "How can I explain this? However, I think that if your sister was indeed pushed down by you, you will have some fragments of memory. Even if you pushed this one? I don't remember that, and my sister fell to the ground I should have an impression of what happened on the Internet, right?...Of course, I'm not an expert in psychology, so I can't say that with certainty..." "You mean, maybe my sister wasn't killed by me, isn't that so?" Tochidate spoke quickly.He seemed very excited, and his face changed.It's no wonder that until he was 26 years old, he had always thought that his sister was killed by him, but now he was surprised to hear someone raise doubts like this. "No, that's not what I meant..." My father said with a thoughtful look. At this time, my mother came in with a sliced ​​watermelon.My mother and Tochidate have met many times.She appreciates Tochidate very much, so she promised to give me full support. "Are you talking about something important?" My mother was sensitive to the atmosphere here, and asked with a worried face. "No. It's not an important thing. I just found this world too small. It turns out that I knew the father of this Yuan Tochikan brother in the early days of being a journalist. He was the police department of the F City Police Department. The position I hold is the head of the economic security section..." "Sure enough, I guessed right!" I shouted in my heart.At the same time, I found it funny that my father didn't tell us about it, but only revealed it when he saw my mother's face. My mother is the beloved wife my father finally got after years of hard pursuit.Since my mother was an only child, her family would never allow her to marry at that time. After hearing this, my father decided to join my mother's family without hesitation, and their marriage was established.My mother is still proud of it.Any important matters must be told to my mother first-my father's habit has not changed at all so far. The signs just now can be said to be an example. "Then... the incident I mentioned, uncle, you knew about it at the time, right?" "I know, I know. However, the newspapers at that time did not publish this incident. This is because the reporters of each newspaper knew your father. ... It's just that we reporters talked about this topic at the time. ... This child grew up In the end, will you remember this incident? If you do, I really want to know how his psychology is... I just remembered this incident, so I take the liberty to ask you so many questions." "I see. But, as I said just now, I really don't have any impression of this matter." Tochidate said in an ashamed tone. There is a very important matter that needs to be discussed with your father again - Tochidate told me that it will be the next day.I asked him what was the matter, but he never mentioned it, insisting that he would only speak out in front of my father. I had no choice but to call the newspaper office to find my father.As a result, it was arranged to meet in the reception room of the newspaper office accompanied by me. After meeting in the humble reception room of the newspaper office, Tochidate told the story straight to the point.He seemed unable to hold back for a moment. "My mother asked me to correct what I said the day before yesterday..." "Ok?" My father glanced at me.I found that he seemed to have some complacent look. "On the way back the day before yesterday, I thought a lot. Your question seemed to have overtones, and I also thought that although I was still young at the time, it was impossible for me to have no impression of such a big thing... Therefore, after returning home, I asked My mother begged to tell me what happened at that time in detail." "So that's how it turned out...the result?" "In the end, what my mother said really shocked me. She said that it was not me who killed my sister, but my father!" Tochidate spoke with a half-doubtful look. My father just nodded as expected. "It is said that the incident happened on a Sunday. At that time, my father was playing slides with my brother and sister in the yard. When it was my sister's turn to slide, my father gave her a push on her back. Unfortunately, my sister was not there yet. Sit still, and the father's push gesture may be a little wrong, the younger sister rolled forward and unfortunately broke her neck bone. My mother said that this is the truth of the incident..." "But..." I interrupted, "If so, why did your father bring you to the shrine and say those things?" "Because after the incident, what he reported to the police station was that I pushed my sister down, isn't that the case?" Tochidate asked his father. "Yes, your father said so when he held a press conference with the chief of police. At that time, he lowered his head and said this to us - in order to commemorate the future of the child, I hope that this incident will not be reported. After discussion among us reporters , decided not to publish this news in the newspaper. This is because your father is very popular with reporters. On the one hand, the newspapers at that time were not like today, with very limited pages. The county and city editions are less than one-third of the current ones. One mile. Besides, it's such a trivial matter that we have no reason to offend the Chief Constable." "But……" I said the same thing again.There is a doubt in my heart that has never been resolved. "It is common for parents to take the blame for their children, but isn't this incident just the opposite? I really can't understand this. Why didn't your parents tell you?" What about the police?" "If the cause of the incident was my father, even if it was his fault, it is said that my father would be forced to resign. I heard that the system at that time was called the local police, that is to say, the police in each county and city existed independently. , and one of the conditions for the existence of this system is that any policeman who is involved in criminal proceedings must be suspended from his post. Even if the result of the judgment is a fine, as long as he is guilty, he will definitely be dismissed. The incident that happened in my house is obviously negligence It is a crime of death, so dismissal is unavoidable. As a result, can the father find a new job to maintain the family's livelihood? I think parents think of this, and the research results have to pass the responsibility on to the children. At that time, I was only 3 years and 10 months old, so of course I didn’t have to bear criminal responsibility... In this way, my father’s job can finally be kept. The deceased is dead, so this is a last resort for the rest of the family to survive—— After the parents made such a decision, they reported it to the police with this content." "Did the police have no suspicion at all? The situation at the scene, everyone's confession is wrong... Didn't they find any clues?" "This..." my father said, "The investigation method at that time was not as scientific as it is now, and at that time, the local police officers had the consciousness of a family, and it was conceivable to protect each other, not to mention that Mr. Tochidate's father was a Senior police officer, who wouldn't believe him? His statement was taken for granted." "However, many years later—I mean after Mr. Tochidate went to elementary school. Didn't he go home and ask his parents after hearing the whispers from the neighbors? They should be able to tell the truth by now. ?Tochidate-san's young heart will suffer from self-blame...Why don't parents think of this?" A wave of anger welled up in me.This can be said to be a kind of righteous indignation, right? How such a lie would hurt a young heart, didn't his parents think of it? "You can't blame them." My father said with a wry smile, "Does a child in the lower grades of elementary school really have the ability to understand all this? If he tells the neighbors, I didn't do it, but I did it." Dad did it, so it’s okay? At that time, the police law had been amended, and the local police no longer existed, so it was impossible to be sloppy.” "To be honest, I feel a little bit in the fog. I really don't know if I should believe my mother's words... When I was young and ignorant, I passed the responsibility on me, until I was about to get married and now Put everything on the dead father——I even feel this way. Uncle, you were the reporter who covered this incident at that time, what is the truth, can you tell me?" Tochidate didn't seem to be just talking, but seemed genuinely troubled. "This..." my father scratched his slightly frosty hair and said, "Although I have interviewed this incident, as I said just now, I neither saw the scene nor - interviewed all the relevant people. So, I can't say anything with certainty. Since Lingtang said so, you should believe what she said, I think that's right?" "No, it's not necessarily..." I'm a little disappointed by Tochidate's indecisive attitude.He is not such a weak person right.He buried the consciousness of "killing his sister" deep in his heart, and he was determined to let his sister live--has his almost religious thoughts disappeared because of his mother's words? "Let me ask a question," I said, "is it because you're thinking of your sister that you're going to marry me? To atone for your parents—that's what you're thinking, isn't it?" "No! This is not the only reason!" Tochi hall quickly denied. "But, didn't you say it before? If you marry a woman who looks like your sister, your mother will be very happy... At that time, I asked you like this, 'Did you marry for your mother?' And Your answer is: 'There is no way'. Why is this? Is the reason why my sister died because of you?" I can hardly contain my emotions.Maybe I'm giving up on myself a little bit? Tochidate stared at me blankly.Of course he had never seen me look like this before. "But, didn't your mother tell you everything? You were not the one who killed your sister! Now that the truth of this matter is revealed, do you still need to make amends?" "Wait a minute, you misunderstood. I fell in love with you not because I saw the album, but before that! So, whether you look like my sister or not is another matter!" "Who knows?" I said angrily. "Who knew you had a ghost in your heart, that's why you fell in love with me." "Have a ghost in your heart?" "That's right! If your sister hadn't died young, she wouldn't know what she would be like when she grew up—you must have imagined it subconsciously. And I'm a little bit close to the person you imagined, that's all!" "What are you trying to say?" Tochidate said angrily. "What I want to say is that you should re-analyze yourself. After the analysis, if you think our friendship should end here, I have no objection. Goodbye!" After saying this, I rushed out of the reception room of the newspaper office. That night, I came to my father's study. "How? Don't you regret rushing out like that during the day?" My father looked at me with infinite affection and said. "I don't regret it. Because he seems to be playing tricks on me! He said he had important things to talk to you, and he ended up talking about them. Isn't that annoying?" "What things?" Dad asked in confusion. "Yeah! Who killed his sister? What does it have to do with me? I said that, right? Besides, it wasn't intentional killing, but the result of negligence. And he was still an ignorant man at the time." A 3-year-old kid, what does this have to do with him now? Talk about things like this..." "But……" "Father, I want to ask you something. I'm afraid you know more than that?" "Why do you say such things?" Father asked, blinking a few times. "Because you saw the family column on his resume and asked about his sister, which was not written on it. Also, after he mentioned this incident, you asked him if you remembered the situation at that time, Have you ever had a dream? These questions. As a result, these things lead to corrections from his mother. In this way, how can I not doubt that you know the truth of the incident in the first place? What's more, when you talk to him, what you say often has Overtones." "Uh……" Father folded his arms.He closed his eyes and remained silent for nearly a minute. "Dad," I couldn't help but say, "no matter what you say, I won't be sad, so please tell me, will you?" "It seems that I have to tell you," said the father in a somber tone. "Speaking of Mr. Tochidate's mother, she is a very beautiful woman, isn't she?" "Yes, I heard that when she was young, she was a great beauty..." When I answered, my heart suddenly became uneasy.I had a presentiment that I was going to hear something unexpected. "A long time ago, there was a young journalist who was fascinated by her. When he went to the mansion of the chief of economic security to cover the news, he said to his wife such a compliment as 'madam, you are so beautiful'. Madam was praised, of course She was very happy, so she replied: "You are welcome to sit at home when you are free". Later, this journalist really used the time of Sunday to visit her house several times. One day, the wife whispered to him He said: 'My husband will be on duty tomorrow and won't be at home'..." "Dad, are you talking about your own past?" I was somewhat convinced when I asked.I am so sure because my father's manner of speaking is very different from that of the past. "Mr. Tochidate's younger sister was exactly the same as you when you were young." When my father said this, he deliberately looked away from him. "Ah?! Then..." "To be honest, I wasn't in the F branch when Mr. Tochidate's sister died unexpectedly. Before that, Mrs. told me that she was pregnant, and it was very likely to be my child——I am very happy. I was afraid, so I was transferred to another branch soon. A few years later, she wrote to me and told me that the girl died due to an accident. "This child really looks like your child"——the letter also There is such a saying. So I called and asked my friends in the F branch, and the answer I got was: This little girl was pushed down the slide by her brother. Since she didn’t want to hurt the child’s future, everyone said it’s okay. Send a message. At this time, I suddenly had this idea—could it be that her husband found that this girl looked like me? So he solved it himself, and then passed the responsibility to the boy. Under the police system of the autonomous body at that time Now, this matter should not be difficult to deal with... But, of course, such a thing cannot be investigated,..." "So, what he said today is equivalent to confirming this for you?" "It can't be said that my doubts have been confirmed, but I don't deny that I have the feeling of 'as expected'. ... If I hadn't changed my surname, Mr. Tochidate's mother might have realized that you are my daughter?" "But..." I didn't know what to say next.