Chapter 14 Chapter nine

At 8 o'clock the next night, Shiomi, carrying a long side backpack with a wooden bat and a kitchen knife, walked unsteadily towards the rented house where Shintaro Yao lived; we stood on the opposite side of the road and waited and watched. .Shiomi's back became smaller and smaller, and finally merged into the night and disappeared, only a tiny metallic sound that was almost inaudible - the sound of him opening the door with the key given by Hachio.The door slowly opened and closed. silence. We stared at the rent with bated breath, but nothing happened—there was no commotion in the house, no furniture or people being thrown out of broken windows.Nothing, nothing but silence.

"No problem, absolutely." Hachio said in a confident voice: "When he was making out with me, he said he would come here this week and next week." We wait, and we wait, and nothing changes "Hey! Yanjian, that kid won't run away, right?" Shibata said anxiously, "As soon as you enter the room, run away from the window..." The lighting came on. "The lights are on!" Machii squeezed my hand tightly. "What should I do?" "Let's go and see. Something must have happened. Although I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, something happened anyway."

We ran quickly, opened the entrance door, and rushed into the room.There was a slight groan from the other end of the paper door. We opened the paper door and entered. Inside was a dormitory with a size of ten tatami mats. The salt was poured on the quilt. Bleeding all over his face, he rolled his eyes. A man stood behind him. Slim body type. White pajamas. The pajamas were stained with flying blood. In his hand he held a wooden bat that had been broken in two. A troubled smile appeared on his face. "dad." Eight tails said. This guy is... Shintaro Yatsuo. "It...it hurts!" Shiomi murmured in pain. "It hurts, it hurts! It hurts...don't, mess, I'm going to die! I obviously didn't do anything..."

Hachio Shintaro threw down the broken ball and turned to us with a troubled smile; his eyebrows and eye corners were hung up, his wrinkles were concentrated in the center, his teeth were bared and his mouth... turned into an angry face, followed by a beast-like growl.Shintaro Yatsuo was angry, angry at his betrayed daughter, angry at Shiomi who broke in with a bat, angry at us. Shintaro Yatsuo approached. One step, one step, one step, one step. at a leisurely pace. Slowly approaching. very scary. I really want to escape. "You did that to Yao! His father did that!" Shibata growled, "I'm going to kill you!"

Then he swooped up. Yao Shintaro punched Shibata on the cheek, and Shibata fell to the ground with his nose tilted in an abnormal direction.I couldn't help but back away.It's terrible, it's terrible, Shintaro Yatsuo is serious, he really intends to get rid of us. Shintaro Yao, with bloodshot eyes, repeatedly trampled on Shibata's abdomen with brutal force; Shibata let out a weak cry like an abused kitten. "Hey...hey, uncle..." Shiomi grabbed Yao Shintaro's ankle. "Bullying, bullying that kind of bastard, are you happy? If you want to hit me, you can find me! Can you let that kid go? Let him go! Please let him go!"

With a fierce look in his eyes, Yao Shintaro kicked Shiomi's hand away, and knelt down beside him; then, he picked up the alarm clock and aimed it at the wound on Shiomi's head.Blood droplets scattered, Shiomi screamed hoarsely, and at the same time, there was a wet and sticky sound. "Salt—See you, Salt!" Shibata held out his hand. "Don't worry about me, don't worry about... woohoo!" The alarm clock smashed Shiomi's eyes. "Shibata, lie down, don't get up!" "Why do you want to save me?" "Do you still need to ask... Bullying the weak is a bad behavior."

Shiomi forced a smile. The alarm clock flew by, smashing his smile. "stop!" Yao Shintaro reacted to Shibata's voice and turned his head: he stared at Shibata as if saying "I'll kill you too".He kicked Shibata's head, and Shibata's whole body was dominated by violent convulsions; after he glanced at Shibata, he approached Hachio. "No... no! You don't get close to the eight tails!" Machii stood in front of Yao. Shintaro Yatsuo easily kicked Machii. And confront Eight-Tails. "...Dad," Yao's face twitched, but he still said, "I'm here to kill Dad, to kill bad people, to kill cruel people, to destroy objects that exist as evil, to destroy pure evil. So please Please... go to hell!"

Yao Shintaro shook his head. He smiled happily and declined. And punched Hachio on the cheek. A column of blood hung from Hachio's nose. ……no. It won't work, it won't work, it won't work, it won't work at all, it won't work, it won't work.This existence... is so wrong, it must be destroyed immediately, every second is a second, it must be destroyed as soon as possible. The blood in the body boiled in one breath. Anger is near boiling point. "Go to hell!" I rushed forward. "A person like you deserves to die the moment he is born!" My fist missed him.Shintaro Yao's kick hit my heart, and I fell to the ground on the spot. For a moment, my consciousness was interrupted and I couldn't breathe.Ridiculous, take courage, but end up like this.Why am I so useless?Why am I so weak?Why do I always... My almost lost consciousness was pulled back by a burst of severe pain; when I moved my eyes to the source of the pain in surprise, I found that my index finger was crooked in an abnormal direction.This mess... snapped my finger like a twig, with an easy snap.

I hurried away from him, but was caught by the arm and couldn't escape.He pulled me over and beat me stubbornly on the side of my head. My brain was shaking, and my consciousness gradually disappeared again, but I remembered the horror of fractures and forced myself to wake up.When he opened his eyes, the face of Shintaro Yatsuo was in front of him. Only malicious faces. A face that takes pleasure in destroying us. However, I understand how he feels. Killing weak children should be fun! I will be killed. I am always the one who gets killed. "Everyone... I'm sorry." Perhaps it was because I had the consciousness of death, and the desire to apologize surged in my heart. "Uh, I've always gotten along with everyone in a nonchalant manner, but..."

"Don't say it, you don't have to say anything, just keep that kind of thing in your heart." Shibata raised his head. "My father and mother are brothers and sisters related by blood." "Stop talking, I don't want to hear it!" "They are brothers and sisters but they love each other, they are brothers and sisters but they live together...so they were persecuted and driven out of the village." My emotions were rapidly excited by the pain and the confession. "And they are brothers and sisters..." "I told you to stop talking!"

"But I gave birth to a child! That child is me!" what!I said it.I confess. Now I'm done.But miraculously, I felt so relieved. "I seem to have an elder brother above me, but he became deformed due to his close blood relationship, and died shortly after birth. But my sister and I are safe and sound, and we are still alive and well." Shintaro Yatsuo held my middle finger.If you want to fold it, just fold it!Snapped!Hmm, folded? "Our whole family was persecuted to the point where we couldn't live a good life. We were bullied and ridiculed. My parents couldn't stand it and broke up. That's why my mother brought us to Kobe. Here... it's very comfortable to live in. It's the first time I It’s great to make friends. Thank you, thank you very much.” Shintaro Yatsuo held my ring finger.If you want to fold it, just fold it!Snapped!Hmm, folded? "Thank you for being my friends, I am very happy, thank you." My voice was already crying. "I don't want to destroy the happiness I finally grasped, so I ignore my sister. My sister grew up with such parents, so her relationship is a bit abnormal. My sister... likes me and pursues me. But, but, I can't Accept her, if I do that, I'll go back to Kyushu, I'll go down the same path as my parents. I don't want to, I'm afraid, so I keep running away. This is...but I'm trying to hide it about it. Did you hear that? Did you hear me clearly? I'm not clean." "Some things don't matter!" Machii shouted: "What happened in the past has nothing to do with us! We don't need to bear those responsibilities and crimes, we have the right to live an ordinary life!" It doesn't matter. Machii's words were extremely fresh and stimulated my brain.It doesn't matter, does it?It turns out that the problem that has been worrying me since the moment I was born can actually be solved by saying "it doesn't matter".This... this is really funny, so funny it made me laugh. Yeah?Doesn't matter?Ha ha!It doesn't matter! "That's right, we have suffered too much for things that have nothing to do with us," Shibata said. "I've had enough, it's just that I was born in a different place, why should I be treated that way?" "Me too!" Eight tails said loudly, "Me too, just like everyone else. I think you guys already know... I slept with my dad because I hated my mom. She's a hysterical woman who always makes daddy miserable, Dad was hurt, and I was hurt, so it developed into a physical relationship unconsciously. Later, Dad ran away from home and rented this house. I come here every day, and I sleep with Dad every day... Dad is getting more and more Strange, the head went out of order, I ejaculated inside, and I ended up with a baby. So, everyone, I'm sorry. Daddy turned out like this, I got pregnant, and everyone suffered through it. It's all my fault." "Hachio is right," Shibata said immediately, "The one who is wrong is the unprogressive adults." "Oh...that's right." Seeing the bleeding, Yan stood up. "Yo... See you, Yan, are you alright?" "The eyes cannot see," he said, smiling bitterly. "Hey, Shibata, Yao... I'm sorry." "what?" "I got the wrong person to fight, and the wrong place to get angry." "See you in salt..." "I'm really sorry." "Stop talking, your whole body is shaking, you know that?" "... Huh? Sorry, I can't hear you clearly." "Please," Machii pressed his head, eyes welling up with an unusually large amount of tears. "Forgive us, save us. Woo, woo woo woo... Please, please! Please... If you don't spare us, don't save us, we will be angry! Then I will save everyone! I will fight, fight, Kill everyone!" All windows are broken. The lights flickered on and off. The wind dances. Something has entered the house. That is the shadow. is dark. Huge lumps stand. Loose black clothes. With a hood on his head, no face can be seen. On the shield is a big sports backpack. Panda dolls loom.Bull man! "I'm here to save you." The friend's voice came suddenly. Why? Niu Nan knocked Eight-tailed Shintaro into the air, and held him up with his thick arms.Eight-tailed Shintaro struggled desperately, but lost to Niu Nan's strength, he couldn't move at all. "Shaan, kill him." said the friend. "You are not wrong, you are not responsible." The hands suddenly became heavy. Before I knew it, I was holding the head of Mr. Cangyou in my hand. "Win your life!" "Win... win..." "That's right, win life." Hidden under the hood, the corners of his eyes are slightly twisted, and he seems to be smiling; for this, I have an incredible sense of intimacy.I know this person?I am favored by this person! I stood in front of Shintaro Yao, swung Kuratomo-sensei's head, and beat him on the head; with a dull voice.I beat again, dull sound.Not enough, I still want to fight, continue to fight.Not long after, Shintaro Yao's head was bleeding, and Sensei Kuratomo's head was also split in two. The rotten brain and the smelly brain juice flew away. Niu Nan dropped the still Yao Shintaro, took out the paint can from the sports backpack, opened the lid, and spilled the liquid in it.Red paint spreads throughout the room, and our bodies are also dyed red. "When things go wrong, just do it. That way everyone will be happy." The cow man reached into his sports backpack again, and this time he took out a cow doll.I took the familiar doll and hugged it tightly. Niu Nan walked towards Machii whose feet were limp. "Please... please, don't come here! Don't!" Machii's face twitched. "Use the bull man." "Don't! Don't!" "Use the bull man to express your anger." "don't want……!" "Don't you want to make your friends and yourself happy?" "Yes, but..." "Only you can do this, and you must do it." "……I?" "right." "Can I do it?" "Of course it can be done." Machii got up suddenly and rushed out of the house. "Machii!" I dropped the wreckage of Mr. Cangyou and went outside. The high concentration of darkness spread, subtly hiding the traces of Machii.Mixed account, where is it?Where did it go? I ran desperately between the houses, but Machii was nowhere to be seen; I called out my name, but there was no response.A sense of foreboding flashed through my mind; I expected my friend's voice to ring in my head, but it didn't.There is no one to rely on and no one to protect, no one to watch and no one to be watched.In the depths of perfect darkness, I am alone; in that horror, I feel the blackness of solitude.Alone, alone, the word surrounds me; no, I don't want to be friends with such things.I ran, and despite my fingers and lungs hurting, I continued to run despite everything.However, Machii was nowhere to be seen.Loneliness repeatedly erupts violently, gradually changing into loss; not I disappear, but my surroundings disappear. "Machii!" No matter how I called, there was no response at all. Our distance is getting farther and farther. Change tactics. I hugged the cow doll tightly, stopped, restrained my disordered spirit, and forced myself to think.Use your brain, use your brain, reason from situations and states! What does Machii want to do?What does Machii want to do after gaining the power of a bull boy?Where did she go in order to achieve her purpose?I thought about these questions desperately.What is Machii looking for?What does Machii want?What is Machii afraid of?Not long after, several words emerged in my mind, which were Machii's proposition. ...I want to save everyone. ... If you don't spare us, don't save us, we will be angry!Then I will save everyone!I'll fight, fight, and kill them all! There is a feeling of an unknown object rushing straight into the brain at high speed.I held down my head, which was about to be knocked away, but my legs got knotted and I fell to the ground on the spot.I had a groundbreaking idea, and because it was too groundbreaking, I felt like my brain was being bumped.I tried my best to dispel that thought, but that thought wore several pieces of armor called concrete, and gradually increased my defensive power and turned into conviction. I immediately got up and ran with all my strength.On the way, I spotted a bicycle parked in the carport of an apartment building with only a flimsy lock on the rear wheel.I picked up my bicycle and knocked on the lock, and when I knocked for the fourth time, the lock broke; the apartment residents who heard the sound hurried out to watch, while I stepped on the bicycle, pedaled desperately, and galloped on the night road. I arrived in front of the station. After throwing down the bicycle and buying a ticket, I went through the ticket gate; just as the tram was coming, I got on it.Although I didn't know where to go, a clear image emerged in my mind. That is the scene of the city. Gentle and intimate cityscapes. Machii must have gone to a place that fits such an adjective. "Machii!" I strode into the car.Passengers ignored me, who was covered in paint, waving a cow doll, and shouting loudly, by turning their faces away or pretending to be asleep.Who cares about you!I'm going to ignore you!Everyone is the same, only ganging up to ignore others.Machii, Machii, Machii!I called out and looked around at the seat, but I couldn't see Machii.I moved to the next car, and she wasn't there; I moved to the next car, and she wasn't there; I moved further down, and she wasn't there.Machii was nowhere to be seen.I knew, of course, that the chances of her getting on this train were hopelessly low, but I couldn't give up; I didn't have the strength left to keep my cool and continue calling at the top of my voice, touring and checking the cars. Machii sat in the last car. It should be said that Machii was the only one there. A girl covered in red paint from head to toe and wearing a cow mask. The girl shook her upper body slightly as the tram vibrated, and moaned like a cow; sticky saliva kept dripping from between the mask and chin, and wet the floor. "... Machii." no response. I grabbed Machii's double shields and shook them vigorously; but she still didn't notice me, she kept mooing and drooling, and seemed to be in a state of extreme excitement or tension.Machii's whole body is as hard as iron; dangerous, Machii is dangerous. I peel off the afternoon mask. Machii rolled his eyes and was crying. Her mouth was full of tissues. A large amount of tissue paper almost squeezed the upper and lower lips, and the bulging cheeks seemed to be pierced with needles.Because her mouth couldn't be closed, saliva kept spilling out; and she seemed to be suffering from it, shaking her throat from time to time and making a wet sound. Machii didn't seem to notice me, and kept moaning forward.It was a nasty sound, a sad sound; the eardrums vibrated strangely, which displeased me. "Machii..." I squeezed out the words. "Why are you doing this?" no response. "Are you afraid?" no response. "Are you afraid of what you can do?" no response. "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter... This matter seems to be related to me, let's do it together, Machii and I will work together!" Machii turned his face to me. The tears flowing from the white eyes have not stopped. "You are not alone, Machii, you are not alone. I will help too, two people work together, I will save everyone with Machii. So, don't be afraid." I dug out the tissues for her, some of which were wet with saliva and clumped together, and fell down with a heavy sound.Machii was breathing heavily to absorb oxygen, so she coughed continuously, but she settled down after a while, and put on the cow mask again as if trying to block her emotions. "I'm a bull man." Then, she declared. The voice was so hoarse that it didn't seem to come from a little girl's mouth. "Machii is Machii, not Niu Nan." "I'm a bull man." "No! You are Machii, Machii Yukiko. You don't have to confuse Machii Yukiko with Niu Nan, and you don't have to take all the responsibilities." I shook Machii's shoulder again. "...but," her voice recovered slightly. "It's me who does it, and it's me who decides to do it." "It's them who created the reason! Don't worry about it at all, you are too kind." "I'm not good!" "It's them who are bad. Yes... all of them are bad. We are just correcting it. This is not a bad thing, and there is no need to feel guilty." Since it doesn't help us, we have to figure it out ourselves. Since it doesn't save us, we have to turn things around ourselves. Since it does not protect us, we have to defend ourselves completely. Where is the guilt? We're right, aren't we? "I want to save everyone. I don't want to see anyone die for no reason and be bullied for no reason. I feel so painful to see people who have done nothing wrong and who have done nothing. Is it normal? Most people think this way, right? They feel pitiful, they think they should find a way, they think they should help? Most people will be... angry, right?" "Think." I nodded vigorously. We are angry.The child is angry, angry, and angry. "So I want to save everyone, and I can." "I understand. So destroy, destroy, and kill all those who only want to be alone and don't care about our lives!" "I just want to save everyone, that's all it really is." A gentle cry came from the inside of the cow mask. "Trust me, that's all!" "I understand, I understand even if I don't say it. Our thinking is not wrong, our actions are correct, and our anger is justified." I stroked Machii's head. "Destroy it!" The friend's voice dominated his head. The cow doll seemed to move slightly. This is revenge?I asked, suffering from the familiar headache.The friend replied: It's not revenge, it's the victim's petty claim.Making hell just for claims?No, it's not hell, it's creating a new world.After the friend replied happily, he laughed in a low voice.Create a new world, create a new world where fools and evildoers who want to destroy even the smallest happiness are intoxicated.The friend said as if singing softly. The tram stopped. We stepped out of the station and stepped into the center of Kobe. There are a lot of people here, which is different from the satellite cities we live in; the eyes of people traveling with families and lovers follow us, and their eyes seem to see something that is on the mind.Don't look, don't look at us with that look!I glared at each other, and they walked away quickly, as if they didn't want to have anything to do with us.I stretched out my unbroken hand to hold Machii's hand, and Machii squeezed back tightly.We walk and keep walking. Before our eyes appeared the city, the shining city. Brightly lit port tower. Beautiful streamlined hotel. Slowly turning ferris wheel. A museum with a soft glow. Shiny bridges. The boundless calm sea. A huge ship sailing quietly on the sea. We were dazzled by the night view of Kobe that we saw for the first time.It's so beautiful, it's so beautiful, it's so beautiful that it makes people lose their voices and tears come to their eyes.I know my face is relaxing with a smile. The thought of transforming this beautiful city into a new world makes me smile involuntarily. "Destroy it!" Friends also seem to be genuinely happy. Let's do it!Go ahead and do it!Destroy this city with ostrich mentality, people who oppress us, and everything that is so beautiful that people think about it, let them know our sadness, let them see our anger, and expose our innocent and powerless claims. "Ah! Ah! Impatient." I muttered. "It's so beautiful that it makes me restless. It's unforgivable to drive us to the corner, decorate the extra space, and admire the intoxication. We also want to see all kinds of beautiful things, and we want to live happily and peacefully...I can't Forgive them, I want to destroy it. Please, Machii, prophesy hard! These people seem to like shiny things, let's make a fire! It will be beautiful, it must be more beautiful than it is now. Ah... so beautiful, really What a nice view." "I just want to save everyone." The cow mask on Machii's face emerged strangely in the light. "That's all." "I want to be saved, I want to live an ordinary life. Thinking, that's all." We hold each other's hands. "Destroy it!" Something ominous will happen next. Absolutely. I hope that this beautiful city can be burnt out by the karma of hell and become a new world; everything can be equal, everyone can be happy, everything can start over, and everyone can start over harmoniously and the same. I just want to save everyone. Just want to be saved. Is this capricious? Machii let go of my hand and took off the cow mask; then, she took deep breaths repeatedly and slowly opened her mouth. Thank you for being born! At first, I had no idea why it was so cold; it wasn't until I judged that I seemed to be buried in the snow that I realized it. White, hard, cold, beautiful and inconceivable—this object called snow, which is most familiar to northerners, surrounded me; the surrounding net was so perfect that I couldn't even tell whether I was lying on my back, let alone my arms. , couldn't even move a finger.When I discovered this, the documentary broadcast on TV a few days ago instantly appeared in my mind-the frozen mummies dug out from the Alps or other places.The ice wall formed by solid crystallization is snow, and the mummy that has kept silent for thousands of years in it is me.Looks like things are going pretty badly. In a field of vision that was completely dark because the light couldn't come in... Or should I say it turned into darkness at all, I was overwhelmed by the first taste of fear, and my whole body began to tremble violently.Although the detailed imagination of how the situation is now and how it will develop next has not been completed, the body is trembling uncontrollably.Having this reaction myself also taught me to be afraid. Having said that, why am I enclosed in the snow? Today should be an ordinary day, even judging from my six-year life history, it is quite an ordinary day—winter, daytime, snowflakes, Sundays, parks... A day made up of ordinary and ubiquitous elements.I never thought that abnormal events would happen on such an ordinary day. This is unexpected for me, a newcomer who has only lived on the earth for only six years. A situation that the brain cannot conceive; however, it happened, and this cannot be changed.So I have to think, I have to look back. Uh... In the morning I get up as usual, eat, watch TV, play video games with my sister, massage my father's waist, have lunch, and then go to the park to play.Waiting for my mother to put on the snow suit for me (the latest white, completely protected and completely cold-proof pride product), put on the woolen hat that I don’t like because the fur ball is too ugly (for children of our age, the fur ball Just a disgraceful appendage), I took the toy truck and the doll my sister gave me and headed outside, heading for a park with knee-high snow. Snow! The white crystals bring great joy to us children.Kneading into balls, kneading into blocks, freezing, sliding, melting, digging holes... dreamy objects that can experience several ways of playing at the same time, they will land and pile up in the small town we live in in winter, turning the town Dye it white and let the scenery change suddenly.Grown-ups seem to be fed up with the annual snow check-in, but we're different: We can't believe that something so playful is a product of nature.For a while, I even genuinely wondered: Could it be that some great being beyond the reach of human intelligence uses ridiculously large devices to make snowflakes fall from the sky in order to please us children?Anyway, that's how I like snow. However, most of the snow in the town has been cleared under the power of adults; they shovel the snow to the side of the road, either manually or mechanically, and fight the snow with determination and knock it down.However, we immediately found a place that was not harmed by snow removal, which was the park. The park is excluded from the snow removal program because adults have no interest in the park.Therefore, the park in winter becomes an excellent playground for snow-loving children.When I was ready and came to the park, there were already many children gathered; after I repeatedly confirmed that there were no acquaintances among them, I moved to a relatively deserted place—not a place with dense sports equipment, but walked to the side of the square and hid Start playing in untouched fresh snow.I like to hang out with my friends, but it's not convenient to bump into anyone today. Because I hold the doll my sister gave me in my right hand. A doll, mainly used by girls, is an object whose body is as thin as a branch and whose eyes are shining.If my friends see me playing with this kind of thing—and it’s an exquisite doll that looks like a miniature version of a human body—I will definitely be ridiculed, called a sissy, excluded, and regarded as a pervert.I can't end up like this. doll. My friends always blushed and hurriedly denied it; it's not that I don't understand their feelings, but I was taught to be loyal to myself since I was a child, and I don't want to reject dolls reflexively.I am very interested in dolls, and I did not ignore this emotion. Instead, I honestly confessed to my sister: After hearing this, my sister neither showed any doubts, nor did I have any obscene imaginations or words of ridicule. One of her vast collections was chosen for me (my sister is the most "human" person in the world).After I took the doll, I quickly went back to my room and started to observe immediately. Soft and shiny blond hair, slender hands and feet, small shoes, sparkling eyes... The doll, about 20 centimeters long, wearing red-based revealing clothing, gave me an incomprehensible stimulation in my heart.My heart is not just beating, but thump, thump, thump, thump, loudly and irregularly; for some reason, even the roots of my ears start to heat up, and my mouth feels as dry as if I just finished eating a snack.What on earth happened?I was amazed by the changes in myself, but I still couldn't take my eyes off the doll, watching her endlessly.The chest hurts, the body is hot, and there is an inexplicable sense of discomfort and guilt.I had no idea that I, holding the doll, would fall into this symptom, this emotion, like a vicious contagion.This idea called infectious disease settled in my heart and gradually spread, completely eroding the healthy part; everything about me as a child was defeated by the infectious disease in a blink of an eye, and I, holding the doll in my hand, became a carrier of a new disease. I... stretched out my hand towards the doll's skirt. Glossy PVC feet, I'm eager to see them join together. Underskirts—uncharted territory in every way.What is there, and what is not there?After seeing the face, what will I feel, what will I lose?The fiery curiosity like a red iron block rampaged in my brain, burning brain cells violently, dulling my judgment and shame.Boom, thud, thud, thud showed no signs of easing up, but intensified.Wow!what happened?Playing the stupid kid who didn't see the source of the mess, I reached out to my skirt. There are still ten centimeters, six centimeters, three centimeters, one centimeter, when you arrive, grab the skirt with your index finger and thumb, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, take a break, swallow your saliva, and start again.The fingers that grabbed the hem of the skirt worked hard, so strong that even the nails turned white: I swallowed my determination and saliva together, and took a breath——At this moment, my mother’s voice came: It’s time to eat!When I came back, and acutely realized what a shameful act I was about to do, I threw the doll on the bed (without much effort to avoid damage), and hurried out of the room.A lot of sweat broke out from the palm holding the doll just now.When eating, the thud, thump, thump, thump did not ease at all, and even my favorite hamburger meat became tasteless (what a pity).My dad and I showered, brushed our teeth, and hadn't recovered our composure at bedtime. The next Sunday—today—I went to the park with my toy truck and dolls. I rushed into the snow and started playing.Wearing a snowsuit, fully prepared and fully protected from the cold, I sat on the snow to build a snow wall, and stuffed the toy truck into the snow wall; after repeating several times, the cargo bed of the toy truck was piled up with snowflakes far exceeding the capacity.This is the truck driver's job.Just then, the doll appeared.Seeing the huge doll suddenly appearing in the factory, the driver instantly ignited a sense of justice and a peaceful mission; to knock down the doll for the factory, he stepped on the accelerator and rushed forward, but the doll did not move. The truck driver tried again and again, but the doll still didn't fall, so he devised a strategy: it seems that this guy is invulnerable, and any attack will not work; however, she seems to move slowly, so it is better to seal her up.The truck driver stepped on the accelerator again, but this time he did not charge, but circled around the doll at a violent speed.Doll was wary of the truck's new movements at first, but after a long time seeing the truck's attack, she decided to ignore it completely.The moment the truck driver had been waiting for her to let her guard down; he went around behind the doll and dumped the cargo bed.Rumble rumble rumble rumble!On target.Only then did Doll discover the driver's true intentions, but it was too late, and the snow below her chest was immobilized and she couldn't move.In order to completely seal the doll, the truck driver marched towards the snow mountain... I improvised such a story for fun.Based on a simple initial setting and gradually developing the content, it is my best way to play; I can play for a day with just ink pens and empty deodorant cans, even if my hands are empty, as long as I spread the wings of my imagination, I can go to Do anything anywhere.I can stand on the top of the Eiffel Tower that I have never seen, and I can also ride on the back of a triceratops that I have never seen. From the very beginning, I found this game to have an inexplicable twist. That distortion happens in the way the doll is treated.I took the doll that was meant for indoor play outdoors, gave her monster-like enemy characters, and made her fight toy trucks; it was clearly unnatural behavior.Why am I doing this?In fact, I understand my real intention—I try to turn the doll into a monster, and hide the various elements of the doll by giving her the status of monster, enemy, and conquered.If I don't, I'll be reminded of last night when I lifted my skirt: my heart will be beating high again.Undo yesterday's mistakes by deciding that dolls are just dolls. But I'm just a child after all, since I found out that I have other thoughts, how can I continue to play? So I invented a new way to play.I pulled out the doll buried in the snow, and threw it straight up with all my strength; while the doll whirled restlessly, it fell and was buried deeply under the snow.I rescued her, dropped again; dropped, rescued, dropped; dropped, rescued, dropped.I sniffed and repeated these actions with concentration and thought.Well, now I am getting more and more confused about what to do.What am I trying to do? As I was idly tossing dolls, there was the sound of a big engine and a slight vibration behind me; it was a snow plow.I ignored the usual scene in winter in the northern country, and continued to throw dolls.The doll has become extremely miserable due to my cruel behavior, her hair and clothes are wet, which is a pity for her originally lovely appearance.If my sister sees this, she will definitely get angry!But I can't stop.If I don't make the doll even more miserable, I'm afraid I will suffer from that thump, thump, thump, thump tonight: my heart is shaking, and my sweaty fingers are approaching the doll's skirt... When I imagine this, I What I felt was not fear, but joy; this kind of self shocked me.This is terrible, messy messy messy.I hastily grabbed the doll and threw it as hard as I could. My hands slipped. Instead of flying straight up, the doll flew backwards. She traced a slow parabola in the air, falling to the peak of the snow-capped mountain on the snowplow. 我连忙奔向那少说有三米高的雪山，幸好雪山的表面已凝固成块，易于移动，我一鼓作气地跑了上去。娃娃平安无事，毫发无伤，服饰亦未破损。我松了口气，在雪山上躺卧下来。 这个行动太大意了。 松一口气——这动作该在安全的场所进行。 其馀的地方都是战场。 Don't be careless. 即使是六岁的我，也该明白这个道理的。 下一瞬间映入我眼帘的，是除雪车的巨大除雪铲。 轰隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆隆！ 意识恢复之时，我已被封闭于雪中。 我和雪山一起被运至河边的弃雪场丢弃了——理解此事的我，犹如被遗忘于冰箱底部的白斩鸡一般，将力量传递至逐渐僵硬的的肌肉上，拼命地挣扎，试着爬出来。这会儿手臂和手指……不，岂止手臂籼手指，一切都动了，我成功地拨开周围的雪，带给我恐惧与困惑的冰冻木乃伊幻影也因而消灭。然而，要脱离雪山，还早得很。 我只是得到了某种程度的自由，还没逃出这个绝望空间。 视野依旧漆黑，四周一片寒冷。即使是最新型雪衣的保暖性，也不可能足以保护被冰冷雪块三百六十度包围的小孩。我的身体逐渐且确实地发凉，想必不久后体温便会开始降低，血液冰冻，骨头结霜，脑浆冻结并化为粉状，最后沙沙地从耳朵及鼻孔掉出。我会死。木乃伊的影像再度浮现，极度的战栗支配着我，使我陷入恐慌。这阵决定性的恐慌让我无法向神求助，亦无法哭喊，只能一味发抖。我的鼻水因寒冷及恐惧而大量冒出，我以手背擦拭，但合成皮革制成的手套没有吸水性，徒使鼻水灾情扩大。支配鼻下的不快感令我忘却恐慌。 我因而找回了判断力。 对，没错……不是悲伤的时候，现在的我处于最糟的情况，幸福的场所很遥远；换句话说，我被丢在战场中，而且孑然一身。绝望颓丧并不能解决任何问题，再不采取行动，将会悲惨地死在这战场上。动吧，动吧！不能死在白雪及黑暗之中。我才六岁，才刚出世，还有许多乐事等着我去享受，还有许多苦头等着我去体会，还有许多经验等着我去尝试，岂能在这种地方冻死！ 还有漫漫人生等着我去度过。 为此，我必须爬出雪中。what to do?怎么爬？我在黑暗之中伸出了手，触碰包围自己的雪，静静地抚摸它。反复融化与冻结的雪成了如小石头般的坚硬颗粒，我用手指一戳，轻易地戳穿了。这样或许没问题……不，一定没问题，如此坚信是很重要的。 我开始挖掘。 我就像猫抓东西般地削去眼前的雪，待挖到伸手再也不及的距离之后，我便拍去身上的积雪，坐起上半身。极度寒凉的背部很疼，但我无暇理会：雪侵入了手套、袖口的缝隙及脖子等露出部分，煞是冰冷，但我依旧完全无视。我弄垮雪堆，抽出双脚。虽然视野因光线无法射入而依旧昏暗，但我知道空间完成了。很好……很顺利，一定能成功的。 我朝着上方继续挖掘，前进到某个程度之后便挖掘反方向，一面维持折线状，一面往地面上迈进。 这便是我想出的计画。 雪质相当紧密，只要善加注意，应该不必担心崩塌问题；只要方向没搞错，绝对到得了地面。我鼓舞着快被无数不安与担忧压扁的小小身躯，继续挖掘，，挖掘时，我的脑中不断浮现从前的生活。妈妈做了我最爱吃的汉堡肉，爸爸和我一起泡暖呼呼的澡，姊姊温柔地对待我。我想回到那个地方，回到和朋友们一起读书、玩耍、吵架的地方。浮现于脑中的，只有这个愿望。 我想回去、我想回去、我想同去、我想回去！越是这么想，孤伶伶地存在于漆黑中的自己便越是显眼。现在的我是孤单的，在这里，没人来帮助我，没人来给我建议，没人来替我加油。我正处在这种寂寥的场所，无助感令我悲伤地浮现泪水，但泪水转眼间冻结，变化为沉甸甸的冰柱挂在眼皮上。发现此事的我再度认知现在不是悲伤的时候，我爱的人及爱我的人远在他处，若是藉由回忆这些人来恢复自己的力量便罢，但要是因此被寂寞打败、失去力量，不如将他们全忘了。我一面前进，一面如此告诫自己。 挖掘片刻后，我感到手臂发酸；又挖，已感觉不到酸痛；再挖，我感到手指发疼；继续挖，连疼不疼都不知道了。我明明处于冷冻空间，却全身是汗，半开的口不断地剧烈呼吸。我还是有生以来头一次如此疲累，全身的感觉彻底钝化，却只有疲劳清楚地自我主张，令我极度不适。手套已失去防水效果，我的双指僵硬得犹如冷冻鱼，再无知觉；脑袋开始模煳，连难不难过、疼不疼痛都不明白了。但这岂不是正好？感觉不到恐惧与痛苦，正是求之不得的状态啊！这么一来，既不会因输给恐惧而动弹不得，也不会因败给痛苦而倒地不起。快，什么都别想，继续挖吧！专心一致地挖吧！把自己当成土拨鼠，别休息，继续动手，早一刻到地面上去。我频频舔去形成冰砂状的半冻鼻水，持续进行逃脱作业。 然而，界限必然会到来。 藉由专心劳动与定期自我洗脑而蒙溷的感觉终于浮至表面，我再也无法忽视。 手臂疲累到了极点，所有神经皆已麻痹，只有痛苦依旧不断地自我主张，将我推落绝望的深渊。更甚者，痛苦的复活亦意味着恐惧的复活，当我重新认知自己正孤独地处于黑暗之中时，我害怕得不知如何是好：深尝恐惧滋味的我，终于嚎啕大哭起来。 和朋友打架输了或被妈妈责骂时，我都没流过这么大量的泪水。初次听见自己这种脱离常轨的哭声，使我的恐惧更上一层楼，哭声亦越发宏亮，简直是恶性循环。然而，这是无可奈何的。被困在雪中，对一个懵懂无知的六岁小孩而言是件过了头的大事。我只是个无力的小孩，还处于可以安逸生活的年纪，除了我之外的六岁小孩肯定都过得安详逸乐；为何只有我，为何偏偏发生在我身上？这个念头涂满了全身，终于令我无法动弹。老早便冷到骨子里的身体微微颤抖，彻底诅咒自己的倒霉。 脚打滑了。 一股脑儿地跌了下来。 我的全身一面跌跌撞撞，一面勐烈地朝下滚落。 溷帐，屋漏偏逢连夜雨！这意外决定了我的绝望。在黑暗之中滚回起点附近的我，因为疼痛与打击之故，紧绷的神经尽数松弛，如软体动物一般软趴趴地蜷伏在地。由于太过悲伤，反而止住了泪水。 That's all for now. 这个念头突如其来地出现。 已经不行了，我不干了，到此为止。我已经使不出力量，也涌不出气力。放弃一切吧！ 这个消极的词汇轻易地进入并渗透我的体内。包围我的徒劳感太过强烈，我甚至开始认为死在这里也无妨。我再也无法坚持，无法逞强。已经完蛋了，束手无策；既然如此，不如早点放弃睡个觉，至少不必受苦。我被这个念头支配，缓缓地阖上眼皮。 此时……指尖触到了某样物体。 Wow! what! 即使在黑暗之中，我也明白！ 是洋娃娃！ 我感到自己的心中出现了前所未有的喜悦，消失的体内引擎再度点燃，虽然尚未完全恢复，却从软趴趴的软体动物回到了正常的节肢动物。what!洋娃娃，我的洋娃娃。我被一股找到人生伴侣般的满足与喜悦感包围，浮现了困于雪中以来的头一个笑容。我有种拨云见日的感觉，即使今后有再大的困难、挫折与失败等着我，只要有这个洋娃娃，便万事OK。 我将全部意识集中于指尖，碰触娃娃。潮湿却未失去弹性的头发、弱不禁风的苗条身躯、略微隆起的胸口、什么也没有的光滑胯下。咚、噗通、咚、噗通再度出现，但种类却籼昨天的些许不同；这次的更加规矩，更加温和，更加稳重，更加……亲密。我觉得自己终于和娃娃相知，不再被阵阵的复杂情感浪潮吞没，而能坦诚相待。 我确实地获得了洋娃娃点头的触感。她彷佛说着：对，没错，我们二疋能坚持到最后的。 好，加油吧！已经做了这么多努力，一次挫折算什么？我的身体还在颤抖：颤抖，代表仍试图维持体温以存活下来。要是在这里放弃，未免对自己的身体太过失礼。 确实，我已使不出力量了。 但是，若是没有力量，就用潜力。 我将娃娃放进口袋，重整体势，并在黑暗中伸出手，攀住方才挖掘的洞穴，一口气奔上去。我会继续下去，绝不会完蛋。有洋娃娃相伴的我不一样，不会被不安击倒，不会被绝望侵袭。我就像感染热病的野兽一般吼叫，一面鼓舞自己，一面勇往直前。洋娃娃在口袋中飞跃着，彷佛赞许着我的气概。我获得了更多勇气，一路向前；只要洋娃娃在身边，我什么都办得到，什么痛苦都能忍耐。 于是，我终于回到原先的位置。 我深呼吸数次，让激烈的心跳稍微冷静下来。加油，别忘了，有我陪着你，你就有最大的勇气及力量——娃娃拼命地鼓励我。 任何困难也无法击溃现在的我。 ——这念头闪过脑海。 我再度埋头挖雪，专心一致地继续作业：接着，我发现黑暗之中掺杂着光的粒子。光，这是我越来越接近地面的最好证明！我被欢喜的漩涡包围着，更加奋力排除积雪。光的比例越来越高了，地面近在眼前，幸福近在眼前。我一面和洋娃娃分享喜悦，一面挖雪。挖掘、挖掘、努力挖掘。接着……我除雪的手伸出了地面，外部的空气吹拂着沾满汗水的身体。It worked!终于到外面来了！我太过感动，甚至有股剧烈的晕眩感。我的上半身采出了地面！ 机械的轰隆声响起，大量的雪直接击中我的身体。 我就和被卷入雪崩的遇难者一样，毫无抵抗地坠落。God!那台可恨又不长眼的除雪车竟将我再度埋入雪堆里。我又被打回起点，而且这次连刚才费尽心力挖掘的通道都被雪掩埋厂，可说是最糟的状态。全得从头来过，又得重新开始。我的体力几乎已归零，可想而知，等着我的困难必然比之前还要强大。 再度埋进紧密雪堆中的我，最先进行的便是确认口袋。确切的触感，没事，洋娃娃还在。没错，我永远都陪在你身边，不会离开你的——娃娃似乎这么说着。我吐出口中的雪块，温柔地从口袋外侧抚摸洋娃娃。 我使用毫无感觉的手臂挖掘周围的雪，一面想象着试图打垮我的冰冷概念，一面说道：真可惜啊！我并没认输，并没灰心，无论遭遇任何悲惨冷酷的打击，我都绝不屈服：就算落入的你设下的陷阱，也不会像胆小的兔子一样在恐惧中死去。就算到了最后的最后一刻，我也不会死心的，我才不会让绝望的毒素在体内循环而死，少瞧不起我！ 任何困难也无法破坏现在的我。 我一面从口袋外侧抚摸洋娃娃，一面确认疲惫不堪且浑身湿濡的自己。头，正常。脚，挺糟的。手臂，快坏了。体温，即将冻死。勇气，十足。决心，百分百。好……没问题，我还撑得下去。我挥动冻僵的手臂，开始破坏雪与黑暗。我一面逐一确认自己绝非无限的力量，一面朝着地面挖掘前进。一想到自己在这雪中确实体验的一切，一股极度充实的满足感便让身体发热。绝望已无法击溃我。