Chapter 5 Chapter Four

Thomas sat down on the pebbled beach and waited, hoping Squeak knew to come here.He should be here now.In front of him was a long and narrow lake, and the wind blowing over the water was icy cold.On the hills in the distance, little dirty white spots dotted the green grass, and Thomas knew they were sheep.They had visited the farm once, and that was a long time ago.The annual holiday is also to go to see the agricultural show, which is a tradition inherited from long ago.Long ago, most boys at school were likely to inherit an estate and would naturally care about sheep.It's not like that anymore, they're a completely different group now.On the bus back from the farm, the topic of their conversation was how stinky these sheep were, how fatty they were, and whether it was in fact possible for you to mate with one.

The black pebbles on the beach were dumped here by landscaping vehicles.Thomas picked up a piece and was about to throw it into the rippling water, but stopped.A child does this, he is no longer a child.He put down the stone and heard footsteps behind him. Squeak sat down beside him, a little further away. They both zipped their jackets up to their chins and stuffed their hands tightly into their pockets.Free time after lunch in the hall.They came from different routes.Squeak went through the woods, for he was coming from the church, and Thomas from the cemetery, so that, if anyone saw them, they could be said to have met by chance.

Though he hadn't been to the beach in years, Thomas knew Squeak would find him.They understand each other. They came to that school in the same year, both were only 8 years old when they first came, and they were the only two 8-year-old children in the school.Most families wait until their children are older before sending them to boarding school.Thomas' father has even started boarding since he was 6 years old, but now it seems that 6 years old is too young and it is very detrimental to the child's growth.They started at 8 years old and everyone sympathized with them, knowing that they were either having trouble at home or their parents didn't like them.So they get close to each other, grow up together, influence each other, speak almost the same language, and play games that only they know the rules.

Squeak sighed looking out at the lake, and Thomas glared at him.They have many things to talk about, but neither can find an entry point.They're in their own searing emotional currents, carrying secret worries, shame, and resentment toward each other, not because of what they've done, but because of what each thinks of the other. They hadn't spoken since getting into the car at Thornton Hall.Squeak drove and smoked.For the entire two-hour drive, Thomas was constantly wiping with wet wipes.He used a full two packs and the disgusting essence from the tissues got on his face, seeped into his eyes, soaked his nails and made him smell like the biggest baby in the world.He still won't have a shower for two days and it makes him really want to throw up and reminds him of Nanny Mary, and his disgust is so strong it's like his guts are rotting.

"They don't have kids," Squeak said. Squeak parked in the village as they drove back.They climbed over the school fence, tiptoed across the playground, and skirted street lights in the backyard of the dormitory complex.Thomas didn't really care if he got caught, he wanted to be caught, but Squeak insisted on climbing in through the window of Thomas' room, and they stood in the dark, watching each other until Squeak murmured goodnight and went back to his room. Room. They met in the dining room this morning at breakfast.Squeak looked tired and his eyes were red. He mechanically poured the porridge into his mouth one spoon at a time. His eyes scanned the restaurant blankly, fixed on Thomas's face, and moved away only a moment later.

Now, as the lake water gently licked the stones on the shore, Squeak pulled out a small iron box from his pocket, opened it, took out a cigarette, lit it, took a deep breath, held his breath, and rolled his eyes comfortably, Breathe out the smoke ring before swallowing it. Unable to resist the temptation, Thomas took the cigarette.He was just putting on a show, and after holding the cigarette for a long time, he took a sip, but he didn't take a deep breath.He handed the cigarette back. "Not inhaling?" Squeak let him know he had noticed. "No." Thomas leaned back on his arms, relaxed.He stole a glance at Squeak's back, suddenly convinced that Squeak knew he was just pretending to be relaxed.He sat up, "Did you sleep well?"

Squeak glanced back at him, lowered his head, and seemed contemptuous, perhaps just because of where he was and how he was sitting. "Not bad." He looked into the distance, took another breath, took a deep breath, and swallowed, as if trying to stop himself from saying anything. Thomas felt he couldn't take it any longer, and snapped, "Is there anything you want to tell me?" Squeak turned his head slowly, "Me? What can I tell you?" Seeing the strong reaction from the other party, Thomas flinched.Squeak flicked his joint into the water. "What the hell do you want me to tell you? They don't have kids!"

Thomas' eyes suddenly filled with tears and his jaw twitched.Squeak stared at him, nails an inch from his eyeballs, "Don't cry! You fucking took me! You said it was her! You said you knew! You fucking dare to cry!" Sit back and look angrily at the lake in front of you. Thomas whispered, "He told me—" "Did he say her name? Did he mention the house?" He didn't, he didn't mention any names in particular.Thomas got Sarah's number from his father, and found her address through an old message. Thomas took a deep breath, his jaw relaxed, and the urge to cry was over.He wiped the tears from his eyes, guessing that if someone happened to walk by the lake and saw them, they would think they were the kind of couple who were arguing.

Once a rumor like that gets out, it sticks to you for the rest of your life, and even if you slept with every bitch in Fulham, people would still think you were gay. Thomas had been walking the streets of London with his father last Christmas, it was cold and things were starting to go wrong. His father's name began to appear in the media, first on the Internet and then in newspapers.They run into someone their father knows while shopping for gifts. The man impressed Thomas because he was handsome, in good shape for 50, and with a smug look on his face.Thomas remembers pointing to a sports car, saying it was his Christmas present.But Thomas' father showed disdain and a very arrogant attitude.As they walked away, the father said that the man was an old classmate of his, a year after him, and that they had showered together after a football game, and the father saw the man inadvertently get an erection.The father snickered and said: They never let him forget about it, and from then on, the boy got the nickname "Zhili".Thomas laughed because what his father meant was "an erection," which seemed amusing, but then he thought about it, and when he thought about it, the story struck him as scary again.It wasn't the hint of homosexuality that frightened him, no one really cared about that, it was the vulnerability of people that frightened him.When something very personal is revealed to the public, everyone is vulnerable.Now, if he can't masturbate before the exercise starts, he will try to avoid group exercise because he doesn't want to carry a similar name on his back.

Squeak took another cigarette from the box and lit it.This is not marijuana, but a cigarette. He took a deep breath, his cheeks sinking in with the inhalation.He opened his mouth, and the smoke ring fluttered out like a small fist and was sucked back by him. "It'll give you cancer, throat cancer," said Thomas, who had heard of it somewhere. "yes?" "Letting smoke linger in your mouth is carcinogenic. People who smoke cigarettes generally get lung cancer, but people who smoke cigars get throat cancer because they like to do what you do. My dad told me."

Squeak doesn't care, "But, if you blow it out and suck it back in, it tastes really good." Thomas smiled, only briefly, really sadly, but still.Squeak said with a mouthful of cigarettes: "You should smoke. If you smoke, you will lose weight." "Yeah." It wasn't sarcasm, Thomas didn't really care if he was a little too fat, but Squeak was embarrassed by his thinness, his ribs sticking out one by one.They know everything about each other.Thomas suddenly realized why they were surprised yesterday.It was the first time they surprised each other so much since they started being together at the age of 8. "Shock and intimidate." He said loudly after a long pause. Squeak had to turn his head and look at him to see if he was peeing or something else.Seeing that he had done nothing, Squeak laughed, "Awe and intimidation?" Thomas nodded sadly at the lake. "Yeah, wasn't it? Yesterday." Squeak took another drag on his cigarette.He grinned as he exhaled the smoke ring, "Excellent!"