Chapter 7 Mu Wei's depression

Mu Wei's depression (1) According to statistics from the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention, there are approximately 30 million depressed patients in China, of whom 10% to 15% eventually choose to commit suicide, while the other 60% to 65% either do not admit that they have depression at all, or Acknowledged but unwilling to accept treatment.In the eyes of many people, depression is a disease that has the same connotation as mental illness and neurosis.They are afraid of getting sick, and even more afraid of being discriminated against when they get sick. Mu Wei, female, 30 years old, from Beijing, suffers from severe depression.Before she fell ill, she worked as a staff member of a Taiwan-funded company and a personnel trainer for a catering company, but now she resigns.When Mu Wei is depressed, she always sits somewhere motionless, in a daze, smokes, is not interested in anything, and cannot concentrate.Zimo: What does it look like when you fall into depression?

Mu Wei: When I fall into a state of depression, I feel that even if there is a sun, the whole world is gray.I can't see the sun, I will close myself up, and I don't want to contact anyone. Zimo: Relatives and good friends, don’t you want to see them? Mu Wei: Yes.It's best to lock yourself in a small room, and no one will talk to me, and let me live or die.Anyway, this state is very uncomfortable, I know this is pathological, I also want to climb out, hoping to find a breakthrough, get rid of it, and return to the previous state.But I haven't found a proper way to solve it yet. At the beginning of 2007, Mu Wei began to feel unwell.At work, she always feels inferior to others.The gloomy weather, the normal work pressure, the slightly harsh tone of the boss, and even casual jokes among friends will make her nervous and full of insecurity.She had tried to adjust herself. In May, just before this adjustment was on the right track, Mu Wei collapsed.She took 20 sleeping pills first, but found that the medicine didn't have much effect, so she cut her wrist and committed suicide.Zimo: Do ​​you remember the day of the crash?

Mu Wei: It was mid-May. The sky in Beijing was very cloudy, which made my mood even worse.I always suffer from insomnia and have to rely on sleeping pills to fall asleep.One day, after get off work at night, I happened to have 20 sleeping pills left in my hand, and I took them all in one go.But the next morning, I woke up again.At that time, I thought, oh, why didn't I just fall asleep like this.After getting up, I happened to see a newly bought eyebrow trimming knife on the table, and cut my wrist when I took it.The eyebrow trimming knife is not sharp, so I can't do it in one stroke, it's too shallow, so I cut it several times.

Zimo: Is this a natural move?Or have you struggled before and considered other factors? Mu Wei: I struggled.Will think, oops, give up?You can't just give up so easily, you must persist and live persistently.Whether you get it or not, you must persist in living.After waking up, Mu Wei was lying in the hospital. This was her second suicide. Six years ago, because of the departure of a close friend of the opposite sex, she swallowed 60 painkillers.Fortunately, my mother found out in time and sent her to the hospital.A day later, Mu Wei returned home.In her diary, she described her suicide experience like this: Death is still magnificent and attractive, but it is far away from me... She tried her best to keep herself alive.Zimo: What happened in your mind at that time that prompted you to make up your mind to take those 60 painkillers?

Mu Wei: It's empty, the world is empty at once.It was summer. When I woke up, I saw that the sky outside the hospital window was very blue. I wondered if the color of heaven was that blue. Zimo: Do ​​you yearn for heaven that much? Mu Wei: I think that when depression reaches a certain level, the fear of life will be greater than the fear of death, and people will be extremely hopeless. Zimo: Have you ever thought about how sad your parents will be, and those important people in your life will also suffer with you? Mu Wei: I didn't think about it at the time, maybe I was still young.Now I know that people with depression feel that it is much better not to exist than to exist.

Zimo: In the past 6 years, you said that you have been working hard. How much have these efforts helped you? Mu Wei: There are good times and bad times. Zimo: When you are good, do you feel the kind of happiness from the heart? Mu Wei: Yes, but it was very short, and immediately overwhelmed by a sense of uncertainty and insecurity.Happiness is short-lived, and there will be long suffering waiting in the future. When Mu Wei committed suicide for the first time in 2001, she didn't realize that she had a psychological problem, and she didn't know anything about depression.After being discharged from the hospital, under the care of her mother, her life gradually returned to peace, but the seeds of depression had been planted in her heart, and it broke out again six years later, which made her fully understand her psychological problems.When Mu Wei met with a psychotherapist, she was diagnosed with severe depression.Zimo: When you calm down today and think back to everything that happened during that time, why did it explode at that moment?

Mu Wei: It may be related to the weather and mood.Some depression may be caused by one thing.My first suicide 6 years ago was triggered by a specific event.This time, it was accumulation bit by bit, until the end, it was like the last straw that broke the camel's back, any little thing turned into a deadly pressure. Zimo: Some people may have something to say to their parents, relatives, and good friends before they make such a move. Have you ever thought about it? Mu Wei: No, I thought there were a lot of things to do at the time, but I didn't have time to do them. Zimo: What kind of temptation is death for you?

Mu Wei: To me, death is a release.It will keep the whole person in darkness, there is nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, nothing to get, and nothing to expect.It's painful when you don't always get what you want.In this case, I simply don't want to hope, don't want anything, give up everything.Hong Hong is Mu Wei's therapist.During the diagnosis and treatment of Mu Wei, she found that Mu Wei always tried to make herself look optimistic and cheerful. Even when she talked about the painful experience of cutting her wrist to commit suicide, she tried to keep herself smiling.Hong Hong: Today's society is a society that respects the strong.What Mu Wei showed is a typical person who uses strength to cover up fragility.The directive in her head was, if I'm not strong enough, then I'm finished.So even when she told you something very painful, she acted indifferent and expressed it with a smile.

Mu Wei: I don't understand why people always want to make themselves optimistic and happy.I know that I am not optimistic and unhappy, and no one can make me optimistic and happy, so I can only give myself strength. Hong Hong: If there are flaws in her personality, her strength is a little perverted, not a real strength in a healthy sense. In the 20th century, the American psychologist Martin Seliman once called depression the "cold" of psychiatry.About 12% of people have experienced quite severe depression requiring treatment at some point in their lives, and most of the depression can end within 3 to 6 months without treatment, but this is not the case. Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you can ignore it.Severe depression is different from normal low mood and can even be life-threatening.For a psychotherapist, the first condition in treating every depressed patient is to help him find the cause of the disease.

Like many depressed patients, the root of Mu Wei's illness comes from her childhood.She was born in 1977. Because her parents joined the queue in Inner Mongolia, she was sent to Beijing to live with her grandfather and grandmother less than two months after she was born. When she was 7 years old, her grandmother died, and she was sent back to Inner Mongolia.Her parents at that time were already strangers to her. At the age of 14, she was brought back to Beijing again.Mu Wei: I have a particularly deep memory. One is my grandma’s death and her funeral. My grandma is a Muslim. I remember the whole process of going to the mosque. The second is that I was taken to Inner Mongolia by my parents, got off the train and walked out of Hohhot Railway Station. Scenario, the weather was particularly cloudy and foggy that day, and I felt depressed.I was only 7 years old at the time, and I only saw my parents once a year. They were basically strangers to me, but my dearest grandpa and grandma never saw each other again.I feel apprehensive and bewildered.

Zimo: When you were growing up, did you often think of that experience when you were a child? Mu Wei: I will.I will think of the summer in Hohhot, the heat, mosquitoes, and playing with children are all wonderful things. Zimo: But these joys are not enough to make up for the haze? Mu Wei: Yes, because I have a sense of wandering and insecurity since I was a child.The death of a loved one and the constant migration made me feel insecure since I was a child, and I always wanted to hold on to something. When I grew up, when I lost something, I couldn't face it correctly, and I always felt that I had too little. Hong Hong: Mu Wei experienced some sudden changes when she was young.Sudden changes occur without any mental preparation for the child.Both parties (parents and grandparents) are trying their best to give her love, but this love is not understood by the child.As an adult, Mu Wei always has a sense of distance from her mother. She will not act like a baby around her mother, nor will she show her fragility to her mother.The impression her mother left on Mu Wei has nothing to do with maternal love, but more about her ability and strength.Zimo: What kind of person is your mother in your heart? Mu Wei: My mother took good care of me in material life, and she let me solve my own affairs in terms of spiritual things.She said that it can't be solved, it is because you are not capable, and you have to reflect on your own mistakes.This is the concept she instilled in me since I was a child, which has caused me to always think that I have to handle everything by myself, and if you can't handle it, you are incapable. Mu Wei's Depression (2) Zimo: For example, if you can’t keep your friends or get anything, it’s because you are bad and useless. Mu Wei: Yes, it's all because I'm not good. Zimo: Is this directly related to your depression? Mu Wei: There is a direct relationship.When I later participated in group therapy, I discovered that the basic cause of our depression has a lot to do with family factors.I told my mother later that you never hugged me when you were young.My mother said, why didn't I hug you?Then he came over and hugged me, and I felt really good at that time. In 2006, Mu Wei's friend unfortunately suffered from depression. She helped her friend adjust, but before the friend relieved, she saw the shadow of depression in herself.At the beginning of depression, Mu Wei told her mother that she was sick in a joking way, but her mother thought that even if everyone in the world was depressed, Mu Wei would not be.In her eyes, Mu Wei is optimistic and cheerful.It wasn't until Mu Wei finally committed suicide that the mother believed that her daughter was indeed ill, but she still couldn't understand the cause of depression.Mu Wei: I want to help him get better and adjust. I know that this disease needs others to help adjust.As a result, he didn't adjust him well, but led himself into the ditch.Coupled with some annoying things at work and some annoying things in life, it eventually collapsed bit by bit. Zimo: What worries you? Mu Wei: During the Spring Festival, I was very busy and worked overtime every day.After being busy, I suddenly have nothing to do, and I feel very empty.It is very uncomfortable to go from a very busy state to an extremely empty state all of a sudden.In addition, I feel at a loss about the future, coupled with the lack of communication with my mother in life, there will be some gaps and quarrels between the two generations, which has caused a lot of pressure. Zimo: Does your mother know the root cause of your depression? Mu Wei: I tried to talk to her and instill it in her bit by bit, because I have found the reason myself.She also tried to accept it, but the process of acceptance may also be uncomfortable and painful.She didn't understand why I did that from the beginning, and I told her that I thought death was better than life, and I didn't want to live anymore.She said she couldn't understand it. Zimo: Then will she use some methods to keep you? Mu Wei: Yes, there are too many.For example, they take care of me more meticulously in life.For example, in today's interview, my mother said, I'll go with you, I don't worry about you.I said, no, if you go, I won't be able to speak out.She said it's okay, I'll wait outside.I said, you are creating pressure on me again invisibly.My mother said, well, you should go by yourself.In Hong Hong's view, there are two main factors leading to the high incidence of depression in modern society. One is the shadow of the patient's childhood life, such as lack of parental care, and an unsound family growth environment; facing tremendous pressure.Middle school students enter higher education, college students get employed, white-collar workers get promoted, middle-aged people's sudden changes in love and career, and the elderly's empty nest may all induce depression.Among them, the incidence rate of women is usually twice that of men, because women are more likely to be nervous, and women are more likely to suffer from some extremely stressful situations, such as domestic violence, sexual abuse, etc. At the same time, women need love and understanding more than men.Hong Hong: Women need love more. When she can't catch love, she will have a strong sense of loss and a feeling of powerlessness.Men may need to obtain something more, such as a sense of authority and a sense of accomplishment.When he can't get it, he can be prone to depression. Zimo: When you think back on what happened that day, do you feel that you were lucky, fortunately you discovered it early and were rescued? Mu Wei: No, I never think about it like that, why am I still alive.When we were doing psychotherapy that day, during a break, I stood in front of the French windows in the treatment room on the fourth floor, thinking that if it wasn't a fully enclosed French window, I might jump down and end my life. Zimo: Do ​​these thoughts often appear in your mind? Mu Wei: Yes.For patients with depression, the mood is generally worst when they wake up in the morning, better at noon, and relatively speaking, the mood is the best at night.At first I was still wondering, thinking how I was different from others, because I was in the best mood when I woke up in the morning, and I thought I was very happy to see the sun again when I woke up.I feel bad at noon, especially at night.As soon as I lay in bed, I would think that it is better to be dead than alive.Later, I read related books, which said that there are two types of depression, and I belong to the second type. Zimo: So what is the fear that living brings you?What makes you dislike being alive so much? Mu Wei: Anxiety, unavailability, insecurity, restlessness, loneliness, wandering. Hong Hong: There are many conflicts in her emotions, and there are many conflicts within herself. When she is depressed to a certain point and unable to express herself, she will suddenly feel that the world is empty and she is empty. Know what you want to do.At this time, all her anger was not directed, because she didn't know where these emotions came from in the first place. The result of not directing caused her to turn to herself at last, began to attack herself, and committed suicide.After waking up from suicide, Mu Wei participated in the psychological treatment of the "Friends of Friendship" group in Beijing Friendship Hospital. Among the 10 patients, 8 were women and 2 were men.Every Saturday afternoon, under the leadership of the therapist, they will talk and discuss with each other to alleviate the disease.Zimo: Can you be completely honest with the doctor? Mu Wei: Show yourself completely, especially frankly.When I saw the doctor, I felt like I was seeing a family member.I feel that only doctors can understand me, and I feel hopeful when I see a doctor, maybe I can be cured. Zimo: Will there be many exchanges between you? Mu Wei: There will be.For example, at the end of each group activity, the instructor will ask, how do you feel today?Many people feel that they have found an organization, they have a strong sense of belonging, they can understand each other, and they can talk to each other. Zimo: When you are in pain, do you confide in other depressed patients? Mu Wei: I have already started to learn to confide.I know I am sick now and need treatment.Talking out is also a form of therapy for me.Also, I want to express my feelings to let everyone know that depression is not terrible, the terrible thing is that you don't pay attention to it. Hong Hong: When I was doing this work, what worried me more was that they (patients) often neglected themselves.There have been some symptoms, but he will ignore, ignore himself.Because if he admits that he has depression, he will bear a lot of pressure, his own pressure, and the pressure from the external environment.The performance of the people around him often makes him feel that I must not suffer from depression, otherwise others will abandon me.A joint study by the World Health Organization, the World Bank and Harvard University shows that by 2020, mental illness will become the first disease burden in China, and depression will take the second place among mental illnesses.If the entire society does not pay attention to depression now, it will not only cost money to treat the disease in the future, but also cause many social problems.At present, due to lack of awareness, the vast majority of depression patients in China have not received correct diagnosis and treatment. The treatment method of depression mainly contains: 1. Drug therapy.Medications to change the imbalance of neurochemicals in the brain, including antidepressants, tranquilizers, sleeping pills, and antipsychotics. 2. Psychotherapy.Change inappropriate cognition, thinking and behavior habits, etc.Treatment in this area requires the help of professional psychotherapists. 3. Sunshine and exercise.Ultraviolet rays from the sun and moderate exercise can improve one's mood somewhat. 4. Good living habits.Go to bed early and get up early, keep your body and mind happy, and don't fall into the psychological vortex of your own imagination.In addition to taking the prescribed depression medicine and psychotherapy, Mu Wei currently uses more methods to force herself to get in touch with others, express her thoughts, and divert her attention.Zimo: What is your daily life like now? Mu Wei: I haven't completely calmed down yet.Because I just resigned, my mother fell ill and was hospitalized again.Maybe it was because of my worry that she had stomach bleeding.She already had stomach ulcers, also from anxiety.I feel very sorry. Zimo: Now when you have the thought of ending your own life, do you think of your mother's feelings? Mu Wei: I will.But I still feel that it might be better for them not to be (in this world).She can rest easy. Zimo: Didn't you ever think that this might be an insurmountable pain in their lives? Mu Wei: I haven't thought about it.In fact, sometimes people with depression may think more about themselves, and don't care too much about other people's feelings.I thought I was feeling what someone else was feeling, but in reality I wasn't feeling right. Zimo: Did the doctor tell you how long it takes to cure depression? Mu Wei: No.I know that "Prozac" should be taken for at least half a year. Zimo: Can it be completely cured? Mu Wei: It varies from person to person.I think if treated in time, it is easy to cure like a cold. Zimo Comments: Mu Wei told me that after she is cured, the first thing she does is to be a professional psychotherapist, because she has experienced the hopeless fear and anxiety in the hearts of patients with depression, and she has also experienced the anxiety and anxiety around her. She wants to help those who are as desperate as she is, and also wants to tell everyone that this kind of discrimination and misunderstanding is a new harm to patients with depression.Psychologists liken depression to a "slight cold" of the soul. This description is not so much easy to treat depression as depression can be seen everywhere.So, if one day your soul unfortunately "catches a cold", please seek medical treatment as soon as possible; if one day the souls of those around you unfortunately "catch a cold", please be more patient and tolerant.