Chapter 5 Chapter 4 The bitter water is endless, youth is so troublesome

A long time ago, the famous British historian H.G. Wells once warned us: "Human history is increasingly becoming a competition between education and disaster." We all know that Britain is a country with absolute experiences. countries with a socialist tradition.And a famous historian can issue such a warning to the whole world in such a traditional country, which is enough to make us deaf. What is disaster?The disaster is like the Tangshan earthquake in 1976. Before people had time to figure out what happened in their sleep, more than 200,000 people died; At the bottom of the sea, more than two hundred people died in an instant...

What is disaster?Disasters are like the Second World War launched by Hitler. Tens of millions of people had to put sunshine and love behind them and devote themselves to war and death; Judgment Seat and sentenced to death... There are two types of disasters, natural and man-made.After the twentieth century, human beings are facing more and more disasters. Wells' association of education with disaster, and his claim that there is a cruel competition between them, is indeed somewhat sensational.But when we look back at the set of educational methods and methods we are abiding by today, we will find that we are constantly creating countless more and more serious disasters that are as abominable as natural disasters and man-made disasters on the issue of education!

The most direct and serious victims of the disaster that can put youthful lives to death are our senior high school students. In the past, I liked sitting on the school lawn in the sunshine at noon and chatted with my classmates, and when I was happy, I went to swing on the swing in the corner of the playground.But now, I have long been accustomed to testing countless formulas, theorems and words with my classmates in the happy and leisurely time, and the shadow of the swing has rusted in my heart at some point. Because I am a senior in high school. In the past, I used to hide a thick novel in a drawer, and read it secretly when my parents were not paying attention. I often invited my friends to play table tennis on sunny evenings.And now, on my desk and bookshelf, all kinds of reference books are piled up like mountains, and my poor racket has long since disappeared, because I am a senior in high school.

In the past, I couldn't wait to return to a distant place, and I was also keen to win the smile of the "birthday star". I went to boutiques on the occasion of my friend's birthday to choose the desired gift.But now, in the face of the greetings brought by the blue bird, my letter paper is blank again and again, and my heart is always "SORRY", and I can only use the perfunctory "Happy Birthday" again and again to replace the surprise shout I brought to my friends in previous years. I can no longer say "Long Live Friendship" silently in my heart like before. At this time, my heart and mind are full of language, mathematics, foreign history and politics, because I am a senior high school student.

Once upon a time, when love gradually drifted outside the window in the rainy night, soft melodies swirled in my hut, and I smeared a few lines of ethereal words under the influence of music and drizzle; I also once loved to plan a A holiday action such as "going to the sea" or "going to a concert".But now, my tape case has been covered with a good layer of dust, and my poems have dried up, and I can no longer be romantic, because of the third year of high school. In the past, I still have many pasts, but I can no longer think about these pasts. Looking at the days of the third year of high school, I can't help but feel a little bit of sadness in my heart.Lost seems to be a lot, but the road is chosen by oneself - "How many turmoil can life be"? …For that momentary smile, I had no choice but to still lock up the heart that wanted to fly, and study hard in the small house safely.It’s just that there are occasional moments of reluctance, and I just think hard: Huh, after the college entrance examination is over, I want to travel to Inner Mongolia and Hainan, and “revenge” like crazy!

This is a composition I accidentally read by a student from Shenzhen Experimental Middle School when I was preparing to write about the state of mind of senior high school students who are at the forefront of the college entrance examination. Listening to the hoarse cry of the youthful life of this huge group, I felt the same helplessness and heaviness as this classmate.Our officials, teachers, parents, and all those who claim to be "socially responsible", may think of something and understand something after reading this short article... There are too many things I want to say about the seniors in high school, and they are too colorful and sad.Usually, we only pay attention to their enrollment rate, but it is difficult to calm down and listen to what they think. Now let's take this opportunity to listen together, because it is good for people.

——One of the stories of high school senior students In fact, my study schedule was in the third grade of junior high school, which was prepared by my parents for me to take the senior high school entrance examination.Later, I was admitted to the city's key points, so after entering the third year of high school, my dad ordered me like a front-line commander commanding the Battle of Stalingrad: the current "battle situation" will be much more intense than the high school entrance examination, you should and must have A schedule with minutes and seconds as the unit of calculation.

So I hurriedly made the first "schedule" of the third year of high school, which is roughly as follows: 5:00: Wake up. 5:10: Dress and wash. 5:20: Have breakfast. 5:35: Leaving home to bike to school. 6:00 to 8:00: self-study. 8:00 to 11:30: 4 lessons. 12 o'clock: self-study. 13:00 to 16:30: Finish 4 classes in the afternoon. 16:30 to 18:00: two intensive courses. 18:00 to 18:30: Bike home journey. 18:40 to 19:30: Eat and watch the news broadcast. 19:30 to 21:30: Homework. 21:00: Take a 10-minute break. 21:10 to 23:30: Self-study. Father expressed his initial satisfaction with this "schedule", and finally he added a sentence: the focus is on quality.There is something in his words, because I also used a similar "schedule" during the high school entrance examination, and as a result, I was often so sleepy in the last hour or so that I fell asleep on the book.

"It's the third year of high school. Your life's destiny and future depend on this fight. You should be clear about it yourself." My father's words are exactly the same as the teacher's every day.I feel like Hitler is really going to hit Stalingrad! However, adults have overlooked one thing: that is, the timetable is dead, and many real situations are alive. Just like wars, sudden changes are the most fundamental factors that determine whether the expected victory in the war can be achieved.For example, I need half an hour's bicycle journey from home to school.But what if it rains?Once, the police on Chang'an Avenue refused to allow them to cross. They had to wait for a long motorcade of state guests to pass by.For a full twenty minutes, because I was in a hurry to get to school, the police almost detained me as a "sabotage element" and took me to the police station.I was so angry that day that I finally knocked down an old lady. In fact, I clearly saw her fall down first when my bicycle was about one meter away from her.This old lady with a bit of scratched skin insisted on asking me to take her to the hospital to see her injuries.I said I am a student, I want to go to class, I will leave my name to you, if I need to pay for the treatment, I will ask my parents to pay you.But the old lady just didn't let it go, saying what if the name and phone number you left were fake?My God, I really wanted to cry at that time, and I really wanted to kneel down and beg her, but there was no way, she still grabbed my schoolbag tightly and refused to let me go. What's worse, the two middle-aged people present He also booed and refused to let me go.I went to the hospital for an examination and found that there was no injury. I only paid 20 yuan for the registration fee and a little dressing fee.Only then did the old lady let me go, but it was already eleven o'clock.If I miss half a day of class, I have to use other time to make up for it.

How can I make up for it?My 24 hours a day are strictly arranged, even if I poop and brush my teeth, it must be strictly controlled within five minutes, otherwise my father will say that I am dawdling on purpose.In order to make up the class that time, I had to take advantage of the gap between my classmates' lunch and recess to extract the teacher's lecture notes.Unexpectedly, all the unlucky things happened to me in those few days. Maybe the meal at noon was a bit cold, and my unsatisfactory stomach started to grow up.After this ordeal, I started to have a fever, which lasted until thirty-nine degrees five.I stayed in the hospital for three days, with injections, medicines, and glucose suspension. Although my mind was in a daze during those few days, I felt so good lying on the hospital bed.Because for many years, I have to get up early and return late every day endlessly, no matter it is windy or rainy, no matter if the sun is exposed to the sun, I can’t finish the lectures, I can’t finish the homework, as if I live to fill my mind. Knowledge—who knows whether this knowledge will be of use in the future.It seems that my parents are very anxious. It can be seen that most of them are afraid that I will delay too many classes, rather than caring about my body.On the night of the third day, my high fever had actually subsided completely. My father judged from my appetite that I could be discharged from the hospital to go to school, so he told the doctor to take my temperature again tomorrow morning. If the fever is gone, I can be discharged from the hospital.The doctor said that it happened that they had a lot of patients recently and the beds were very tight.I thought to myself, hell, I'd lose if I didn't stay in such a comfortable place for a few more days.So I came up with a plan... At about 8 o'clock the next day, the little nurse came to take my temperature.A few minutes later, she took out the thermometer from my mouth and looked at it, and her big eyes opened even wider: "Why, it's thirty-eight degrees four?" After she finished speaking, she came over and touched me with her hand. Head, and all of this, we cooperate seamlessly. "Well, the child's fever hasn't gone down." The father who came to prepare my things for me was dumbfounded, and also showed a bit of anxiety. After hearing what the little nurse said, he asked quickly, "Can you leave the hospital?" I was happy, and said: "What's the matter with you? The child's fever is still high, how did you let him out of the hospital?" Cover tightly in the quilt.When my eyes met with my dad's puzzled eyes, I hurriedly avoided... Hahaha, I am so happy, because I have "reasonably" lay down the "schedule" for three days again. The most comfortable six days in the whole three years of high school are also the only six days where I don’t have to get up early and go home late, but I won it on the hospital bed.

You must be thinking that there is an important thing missing from my "schedule", which is the two days of the weekend.By the way, that's exactly what I'm going to tell you.If during the few days of January, 2, 3, 4, 5, I live by the schedule that uses minutes and seconds to calculate the time, then my other "schedule" during the weekend is simply a Battle map of "Battle of Stalingrad".Please see—— Saturday: Waking up at 6 (I get an hour extra than usual). 6:10: Wash and dress. 6:20: Breakfast. 6:40: Started from home, backed up the car three times, and rushed to Yucai Middle School on Dongjing Road in Xuanwu. 8:30: Start having three English tutoring sessions there. 11:30: get out of class ends, have a light meal nearby. 12 o'clock: Take a bus to the Fourth Middle School of Huangchenggen, Xicheng. From 13:00 to 20:00: Finish the "synchronized class study" course of No. 4 Middle School (with a 20-minute break in the middle, you can eat a hot dog to satisfy your hunger). 21:00: Back home, eat the only solid meal of the day for half an hour. 21:30 to 23:30: Do homework for two hours. Sunday: Wake up at 6 (also get an extra hour bonus than usual). 6:10: Wash and dress. From 6:20 to 7:20, there will be an hour of morning self-timer. Around 7:30, I have breakfast with my family (this is the only breakfast I can have with my family every week). 8:30 to 12:00: Complete homework for two cram schools. From 12:00 to 12:30, I had lunch with my mother. In order to pay for my tuition and improve the economic backwardness of the whole family, my father helped a team-mate in the Northeast who opened a restaurant one day a week. He left home at ten o’clock in the morning until Come back around 9pm. After 12:30, I started to do my homework in school. This task usually cannot be completed until the first two hours after dinner. From 21:00 to 24:00: Self-study (this is the "statutory three hours" per week stipulated by my father). The two-day "schedule" on weekends is an unshakable time, and its monotony and hardship are even more than usual.Maybe there is always a sense of wanting to be lazy in my mind. On weekends, I often deliberately interfere with my good-tempered mother. One was the "egg shelling" incident. It was Saturday, and I still got up at 6 in the morning. After washing and dressing, I packed my schoolbag as usual and sat at the dinner table that my mother had prepared.Breakfast is basically a fixed pattern: a glass of milk, a boiled egg, and two pieces of bread.But that day I "surprisingly" discovered a problem: a process completed by my mother every day was somehow ignored that day: the eggshell was not peeled properly!So I screamed in a fuss: Mom, how can this make people eat it!Come on! My mother was busy looking for clothes and other things for my father who was going out. When I called her, she hurried from the back room to the small restaurant. "What's the matter?" Mom asked me nervously. Stretching my neck like a master, I said to the things on the table, "Look, the egg shells haven't been peeled yet!" Mom suddenly felt as if she had done something wrong, and kept saying: "Oh, why did I forget this!" Then she began to peel the eggs.After a few hand movements, my mother suddenly stopped, and shouted at me furiously: "You are dead? How can such a big person not even know how to peel an egg shell by himself?" As for me, I was stubborn, staring at the wall clock on the wall, but unconsciously spit out this sentence that shouldn't be said: "Am I dead? You didn't look at the time for more than five minutes! I We're going to be late, do you know that?" At this time, I saw my mother collapsed on the ground as if she was discouraged, slapped her legs with both hands, and cried mournfully: "What evil did I do! You brat, I, I What would you do if you were dead? Wuwuming..." My mother's crying woke me up: Yes, I am already eighteen years old. Could it be that in order to go to college, I have become a parasite who can't even peel off egg shells?If so, what use is it for me to go to college?Are you worthy of a hard-working father and a kind mother?As if I woke up from the bad habits I had developed for many years, I shook my hands to help my mother who was sitting on the ground, and said to her: "Mom, it's my fault. I will peel the egg shells myself." I was stunned for a while, and then smiled through my tears, and said, "I don't blame you, it's my mother who wasted your time." Then I stood up and quickly peeled the eggshell for me.Seeing this scene, my tears couldn't help but rush down, and I threw myself into my mother's arms with a "wow"... My mother smiled, with a bit of bitterness, and then pointed to the clock on the wall: it should be class. time!I bowed my head and said "yes", and hurriedly ate breakfast and went to school, but from then on, whenever I sat at the table and ate the meals made by my mother and the peeled eggs, I naturally hated the words on the wall. I tore up that clock and my own two "schedules" countless times, but I had no choice but to re-paste it on the wall beside the bed countless times... When I hated it so much, I would suddenly think of my mother sitting on the ground crying and my father dragging his exhausted body home every Sunday. I just want to finish my third year of high school well and strive to be admitted to university. This may be the only way to really tear up the "schedule"!Because I deeply understand that that humble "schedule" is not only the "life and death card" of my destiny, but also the "hope list" of my parents... ——Self-reports of senior high school students Part 2 I am a girl, innocent and innocent, loving to talk and sing, but after being admitted to a key middle school, my "goodness" was ruthlessly deprived, especially after entering the third year of high school, the "old man" in his fifties - we all It’s even worse to call the teacher who is over fifty years old like this secretly, and he has to talk about it in class almost every day: “Students, now is the last time. Fate is in your own hands. Put all hobbies, All personalities are buried, all energy is concentrated, studying, reviewing, reviewing, studying..." Under her strict supervision, the literature club in the class stopped, the singing and dancing group stopped, and even the jokes between girls and boys stopped. Stopped.If she sees a few girls in our dormitory saying something happy during the lunch break, she will come over with a straight face and reprimand: "If you have time to talk nonsense, it's better to cultivate your energy! Come on, go to the lunch break!" Day after day, our class, which used to be full of vigor and vitality, became like strangers to each other except for the sound when reading and answering questions. Except for doing homework, each of us covered his head and fell asleep.It's not that there are no people who want to talk, and it's not that there are no people who want to laugh, it's just that the "old man" stands behind us like a ghost all the time.When we just wanted to say a light joke to each other, we suddenly found her standing behind us, and our nerves suddenly tensed up, and the joy we had just now disappeared... Sigh, I am a talkative and laughing person since I was a child People, from elementary school to junior high school, if I didn't say a joke that made the teachers and classmates bend over in an hour, some people would think that I was sick.But in high school, especially after the third year of high school, the "old man" seems to be very strict with me. Presumably she has already understood my nature from other teachers. Immediately swallowed the words that followed, and my face became very special. At this time, I turned around, and I would definitely see the "old man" standing behind me.Slowly, the classmates stayed away from me, as if meeting me was like meeting an AIDS patient.Once I was really angry, I grabbed a female classmate who was very close to me, hugged her and tickled her.Unexpectedly, that classmate howled in anxiety, the more she howled, the harder I hugged her, unexpectedly she stabbed my left cheek fiercely with her arm, at the moment I screamed "wow" in pain , she ran away.I froze in place for a long time without moving, and I felt extremely horrified. Could it be that because of the college entrance examination, my classmates have become cowardly "lambs" who can't even make jokes?When I turned my head again, I saw the "old man" again - she told me without any expression: After class in the afternoon, go to her office... From the moment I walked out of the "old man's" office, I swore: In the third year of high school, I will never say a word to my classmates again! As the days passed like this, I found that the "old man" who used to follow me no longer stared at me like a ghost, and sometimes smiled at me with that old-fashioned face, but I felt that her There is no difference between laughing and howling wolves. The days passed like this.My mother found out about my problem and said, Lili, what's the matter with you?People used to hear your laughing and joking voices before entering the house, but now why don't you say a word all night?I waved my hand and said to her, "Don't bother me, I'm busy! I have homework to do." After observing "carefully" for a few days, the mother ran to the school, found the class teacher, and asked the child what's the matter?Was it criticized by the teacher for failing the exam?Or something else? The "old man" said a lot of good things to me this time, saying that your child has made great progress now and can control himself, so it will not be a problem to go to university in this way. "I have experience. The most important thing for a girl in the third year of high school is to get back her playful heart. This is half the success of the college entrance examination." The "old man" talked to my mother very proudly. After my mother watched me at home suspiciously for a while, one day she suddenly walked into my room and said, "Xiaoli, don't go to school tomorrow. Mom will take you to see a doctor." I was surprised and asked why. ?Mom said: "Don't worry about it, I have already asked your class teacher for leave." I felt very angry at the time, but it's okay to think about it. If you miss one day of class, you can still relax! The next day, my mother led me to the Sixth City Hospital.Once I got to the door, I refused to go in.Because I know this is a psychiatric hospital. I came here when a female classmate in my class was hospitalized in junior high school, but today my mother also treated me as a mental patient! I was so angry, no matter how hard my mother yelled from behind, I just walked alone angrily. Back at school, when the "old man" saw me, he pretended to come over and asked how I was doing with concern.I didn't respond to her angrily: "How about what?" The sound must have been loud, causing the students to roar with laughter.What I didn't expect was that this time the "old man" didn't lose his temper at all, and even greeted the classmates in the class, saying that you should treat Lili better in the future. What is this nonsense?The fire in my heart is even bigger.During the noon break, I wanted to find my best classmates to vent my anger. I didn’t want my classmates to wait for me to finish speaking, but they waved their hands and said yes, you are right, you are right, so they dodged to the side. I'm done!So I shouted hoarsely: "Are you all nervous?!" As I said that, I smashed a teacup, and the tea splashed on the beds of several classmates, but none of the classmates said anything. fire.Seeing that everyone was indifferent and treated me carefully, I cried, howling and crying in grief... Afterwards, my mother refused to let me go to school, and took me to a university counseling center.There is an "expert" there, and I heard that he is a doctor. My mother told me very seriously that I must cooperate with the "expert" and answer whatever I ask. "I asked before I brought you here. They said that this expert has cured many students' illnesses. He is also an executive director of the Beijing Psychological Society!" It's just that something is wrong with him.I was really anxious that day, so I yelled at my mother at the door of the "expert" clinic: "I don't have any diseases, I don't even see bullshit experts!" gave me a slap.At that time, tears welled up in my eyes, and I thought, who else in this world can understand me?Mom, I hate you, I hate you and I don't know my daughter's heart!Seeing my mother's regretful look, I also softened my heart, and thought that since I came, I could let the "expert" confirm that I was not sick. The consulting room of the "expert" is different. There are two inside and outside. Freud's other books give people the impression that he is very knowledgeable and "professional". After seeing me, the "expert" pretended to be very casual and asked me what I think of the current "little swallow phenomenon"? Is this how the visit started?I glared at him, thinking that whoever has the time to talk to you about "little swallow or big swallow", hurry up and show me your innocence! The "expert" saw that I was expressionless and did not answer, so he asked a second question: "Do you think the Internet in the future can be connected to the human brain?" Shit, do you know how a human brain can think the same thing as a dog brain?I said this in my heart, but I found it very enjoyable, because I had already decided that such a so-called "expert" would not be able to repay my innocence, and perhaps it was even more unlucky. Count me right.After finding me unresponsive and bored several times, the "expert" asked my mother to sit and wait in the outhouse, and took me into his back room.This is a small house of about ten square meters, except for the white walls, there is no color, which gives people a horrible feeling.And this "expert" asked me a few more seriously, such as "If you are really upset, you can open your heart here", "Or you feel that the outside world is very oppressive to you, and here You don’t have to worry about anything, you can shout aloud, sing a song” or something like that.After listening to what he said, I almost didn't laugh out loud. I thought to myself, what's the point of talking to a stranger if you're a decent person, wouldn't you really be mentally ill if you yelled here?Ha, it seems that the so-called "experts" are those who are sick and need to be treated! Naturally, I didn't say the above words, and I didn't show anything on my face, but I was still indifferent. The "expert" didn't seem to be able to do anything, so he let me out of the consulting room. He had something to say to my mother alone. Outside the door, I vaguely heard him talking to my mother about "serious depression", "and people suffering from this kind of disease tend to show indifference, irritability, and even commit suicide in severe cases. I have a part here. Foreign data confirm that about 60% of suicides suffer from this type of depression..." The voice of the expert became smaller and smaller, as if he was afraid that I would hear it, and I felt more and more amused when I heard it , Finally couldn't help laughing outside. Mom hurried out of the consulting room and asked eagerly what was going on.The "expert" who followed her thoughtfully said to my mother: "Crying and laughing are all manifestations of depression." I couldn't hold back the words in my heart anymore, and shouted loudly: "You are the depression! Mom, let's go, I don't have any illnesses, let's go home!" My mother looked at me full of doubts, then looked at the "expert" full of doubts, and then said "sorry" to the "expert" apologetically. Originally, I wanted to have a good talk with my mother on the way home, and I also took the opportunity to ridicule the so-called "expert", but when I saw my mother walking into the pharmacy with the prescription prescribed by the "expert" on the way, My heart is completely cold. That night, I heard my father and mother quarrel for a long time. My father said that my mother was neurotic, and my mother said that she would rather be more neurotic than delay the major event of the college entrance examination because of the child's illness.As for me, I thought I was fine anyway, so I just slept with my head covered... I don't know when, I was suddenly woken up by my mother, and my father was still standing next to me. "Lili, tell me, are you going to school or going to the hospital today?" Mom asked very seriously. I looked at her and then at Dad.I found that my father was smiling at me, so I boldly replied: "Mom, your daughter is fine, and she will go to school naturally. I am not sick, why should I go to the hospital? If you don't believe it, then you still make me hurt like before." Sing a song happily..." Dad took out my dusty guitar from the back room in good time. So I jumped up from the bed like a happy elementary school and junior high school, and sang Li Mei's "Good Mood" while playing: When I finished singing, my mother's eyes were full of tears, she hugged me tightly and said: "Our Lili is not sick, really not sick..." "Yes, Mom, I don't have any illnesses, it's just that after the third year of high school; the school doesn't let me laugh, that's why I..." Dad saw our mother and daughter hugging together "crazy", so he hurriedly pulled me up. Hand: "Let's go, I'll take you to school today, and then talk to your teacher." From this day on, I finally ended my "sick" days and re-entered the intense and happy college entrance examination sprint with full enthusiasm... ——Self-reports of senior high school students No. 3 My argument with my father came to a head that day.You may think that I might not do well in the exam, and the teacher found the parents to complain, no, I did very well in the exam that day.Mathematics scored a rare ninety-three points, but only a few points less than the first place in the class sitting next to me.This was a proud work I had never done before, but the teacher just made me so sad that I almost got into a fight with him.He said: "You can get such good grades? It's unbelievable. Did you peek at the classmates next to you?" When he asked this, there were many classmates in the class.I couldn't hold back the anger in my heart anymore, and said, "If I peek at someone else's, I'm a pig. But if anyone insists on wronging me, that person is a pig!" Well, it was precisely because of this sentence that my teacher yelled at me, saying that I deliberately bullied him, and gave away all the "bad deeds" I had-such as entering this high school class because my family paid 30,000 yuan. Those who just came in, such as getting four "failures" in the first year of high school, especially one "super high score-7 points", all of them were shaken out.He seemed to think that this was not enough, so he found my father before I went home from get out of class... "You are ashamed to throw it in my company!" My father, who always told others that he would never say anything, asked me to "tell the truth" the first thing he did when he got home: "You, you little bastard, use your fingers to pinch your age. Now! Eighteen! Eighteen is an adult in the legal sense! If you still think that you are a human being, you should honestly explain the matter clearly today!" The chairman's father seldom comes home on time for dinner, and today he must "settle the bill" with me. That posture made me immediately realize that the "pig" teacher had approached him.To be honest, I have been afraid of my father since I was a child. He would really punch and kick me when he was anxious.I remember when I was in junior high school, because I failed to pass the key middle school by 7 points, he punched me like an iron hammer for seven times. Beat hard.In high school, my father's fist no longer fell on me, but he waved it in front of my eyes countless times.To be honest, I was really scared of him in my heart.However, this time the exception—— "There is nothing to confess!" I knew I had done nothing wrong, and the score belonged to me. "You bastard is still stubborn!" My father's fist has already reached the tip of my nose. I know that this time it will be difficult to avoid it, but I still stubbornly close my eyes, waiting for his unfair punishment. "Kneel down for me! Kneel down—!" My father suddenly looked like a raging lion, although he didn't punch, he raised his feet... Unprepared, I felt my knees go limp, "Flop Tom "Kneel on the ground. My head was still stubbornly held high, but the tears could no longer flow down my cheeks uncontrollably. "Tell me, did you peek at someone else's? I don't know if this is more shameful than zero eggs in the exam! I'm in the third year of high school, and there are only a few months left. Do you want me to spend one hundred and eighty thousand hard-earned money for you? Buy a university?" His father's eyes were burning with flames, and his voice was louder and louder: "You know? You can't buy entrance tickets with money for the entrance of a university! Even if I spend tens of millions of yuan from the whole company , I can't buy back a college admission letter for you bastard! You know my money..." "I don't want your money! Don't—!" I still can't figure out where I got the courage at that time, and my cry stopped my father who has always been the king at home. "Money, money, money, you know money! Can't you trust your son once!" After I finished speaking, I only felt darkness in front of my eyes, and my whole body went limp...I collapsed. After that day, I lay at home for three full days.My mother called a doctor and put me on glucose for three days, but the doctor couldn't heal the trauma in my heart.My father never came home from that day on. My mother said that he was too lazy to see me and would get angry when he saw me.I thought to myself, am I not the same?Well, out of sight is out of mind.I got up from the bed again and made up my mind that I would use my own "method" to prove to my father: your son is not a coward. When I got back to school, I proposed to the head teacher that I should be arranged alone in the last row or in the first row, because the seats in these two places can prove the authenticity of my test scores in the future.The teacher in charge was reasonable enough to satisfy my request and put me in the front seat. From then on, I started a new journey of fighting for myself.More than two months later, the final exam was held as scheduled, and my grades in all five subjects were above 90, especially in mathematics, where I became the first in the class with a score of 95.When my classmates and teachers congratulated me, there was no smile on my face, because what I wanted was not praise, but something else. "Good boy, it's fine! If you don't see me for three days, you'll see him with admiration!" That day, before I stepped into the house, I saw my father, who hadn't returned for a long time, greet me from the back room.I ignored him and just put my schoolbag.My father doesn't seem to care about my attitude, he just wants to be happy: "This time it's your math teacher who came to my company to announce the good news to me. It seems that you are not a rotten wood!" "Okay, if things go on like this, it won't be a big problem for you to take the college entrance examination next year. Now, the 100,000 yuan I prepared for you to go to college can be used to send you to study abroad in the future! Haha. Listen to the boy, generally In other words, it is not a problem for the top three students in the class to enter the university. The key to the next step is that you have to maintain your current grades. Understand?" The father was still happy, and he turned sideways and gave "instructions" with relish. "Do you really think grades are that important?" I felt it was time to speak my mind. My father opened his eyes wide and said, "Of course, for you, there is nothing more important than your study and test scores! Don't you care about your scores?" "No. I care about grades, but there are more important things than that." My father blinked, looked at my mother, and asked me puzzled: "What else?" "My dignity!" After I said these four words one by one, I quickly turned around and entered my hut, and closed the door heavily... My eyes were already filled with tears. "This kid has really grown up!" Outside the door, I heard my father sigh. ——Self-reports of high school seniors four You have heard of it?Yes, it’s not a particularly embarrassing thing, anyway, I’m not the only high school student who ran away from home, there are also many female classmates.Why do you have to leave?自己家里还有什么解决不了的问题？是嘛，我以前也是这么想的，但是到了高三，不知外国人是不是这样，反正我看中国人都是一个德性——人全疯啦！学生疯啦，家长疯啦，老师疯啦，总之全疯啦！ 我是重点中学的，中考结束后以为到了重点中学就可以松口气，哪知“天下中学一般黑，重点中学更是黑”。我现在才不相信啥重点不重点，如果要说重点中学的优势，就是把全市全区我们这些从小学到中学更能适应应试教育的“做题能手”集中到了一起，培养成再高一个“段位”的做题能手而已。Believe it or not.我到重点中学后的全部感觉就是这样，而且这里搞“考试工场”还给你高戴一只堂皇的帽子：你们在市“重点”，就是说你们是中学中的高才，大学的门对你们开得最大，多做题、做难题，是你们理当的任务。嘘，老师和校长们说这些话时从来气昂昂的，就像那些举着大刀砍人的刽子手从来不觉得自己有什么不对一样。 如果让我现在选择高中的话，我不会满怀激情地选市重点了。近三年的经历，我体会到：“重点”就是比别人更残酷地摧残我们这些花季少年而已。十分可悲的是，不知上面的教育局、市领导和社会上对我们这样的重点中学还那么吹着捧着是为了什么？高一高二两年，我们的所谓“重点”就是要用两年的时间赶出高中三年的课程来。进入高三后，整整一年时间便是没了没完地做题。什么叫没完没了？生活中有人对重复三遍以上的事就叫“没完没了”。我真想对电影导演冯小刚说一声，你应该拍我们中学生的考试，那才真正叫作《没完没了》呢！ 中国的什么族最大？是我们“考试族”啊！世界上什么人最辛苦？是我们“考试人”啊！ 每天全市百姓还在呼呼大睡时，大街上有两种人在奔忙，一是打扫大街的清洁工，二是我们这些背书包的高三生。你6点进校门别以为就是早的了，比你早的已经在教室里上了近一个小时的自习了——老师天天表扬这些同学，就是为了提醒那些6点后才到的同学。6点到8点间的两个小时，常常显得精彩：老师进门看一眼，就溜回到自己的办公室小憩去了，而我们教室里也总能听到那些惊天动地的呼噜声……哈哈哈，开始我们都会取笑打呼者，后来几乎所有的人都会变成“打呼族”，不再有人取笑了，倒是大家一旦听到某某人呼噜震天时，便悄悄向周围的人“嘘”一声：轻一点，别吵醒他（她）。瞧，我们多团结一致！这是逼出来的，因为老师家长不会关心我们这些最辛苦的“考试人”。 8点以后开始上课了。于是，数理化文史地的任课老师，便一个比一个能说会道地开始向你轰炸。这个说数学是所有高考中最重要的科目，数学学好，理化就能自然而然地带起来；那个说语文是高考成败的关键，很多单科成绩特别优秀的考生之所以没有考上重点大学，原因就是被他们的作文分拉了下来、所以语文课抓得好不好，不仅是文科生的重头戏，更是理科生的关键所在；这个说数理化靠的就是多做题做难题，那个说文科的关键是背课记题；这个说世界上没有哪种考试不是靠做题来判别考生优劣的，那个说大学录取的重点与非重点就在于考分的高与低……所有的话语组成一个意思：考试做题是你们惟一的选择，也是惟一的出路。 开始的一两个月里还真有些临战的感觉，但我们渐渐发现，之后的几个月里，老师除了把已经做过的难题卷子或者不知从哪儿找来的怪题卷子让我们重复再做外，并没有什么新鲜玩艺让我们觉得有十分必要去努力，无非就是熟之又熟，剩下的就是人为造成的那些高考紧张空气。什么这个月搞“倒计时”，下个月搞“最后冲刺”，再下个月就搞“决一死战”……黑板报、操场上、饭堂内、广播喇叭里，还有宿舍走道，到处贴满、写足、喊着有关时刻准备高考的口号标语，使你如临战场，甚至像是进入火葬场的殡殓馆，一听那哀乐就深感悲切一样。 从6点进校到下午6点离校的十二个小时里，我们所有的感觉就是在监狱或者说是在有监工的资本家厂子里服苦役。总算回家了，可是高三生的家比监狱和有监工的资本家厂子还黑暗。吃饭时本想轻松一下，顺便了解了解国家大事，刚刚把电视打开，母亲就瞪着眼睛：“不是说好了，高三时天塌下来也不要管外面的事吗！”在这样的管制下，去年美国轰炸我驻南斯拉夫使馆的天大新闻，就有很多中学生根本不知道。“谁轰炸谁啦？是不是我们跟台湾打起来啦？”我们班就有好多同学在几个月以后才关心起这件事，而且闹出了不少笑话。你瞧我们的家长怎么说的，我那个亲爱的母亲就这么说：“天塌下来，有我们顶着，缺粮了，也有我们去张罗讨乞，可是高考的事只能靠你自己，我们没法替你。你不专心准备高考，对得起谁？” 在母亲的严管下，我在家里的另十二个小时，被囚禁在自己的小屋里。那小屋原来还让我感到非常温馨和舒服，因为那是我的小天地，可以在这八平米的空间里拥有属于我的全部欢乐与秘密。但高三后，一直认为我“不老实”的母亲，特意让人在我木门上方挖出一个见方的小洞。我看到后就伤心地对妈说：“你这么搞不是把我当监牢犯吗！” 母亲说：“你要是安安心心在小屋里学习、做题，还怕别人老来瞅你？” 我无言以对，眼眶里噙满了泪水。 从此，我所有的行动都处在母亲那双严厉而不可抗拒的目光下。而我的所有行动也是由她统一布置：吃完晚饭，喝一杯奶，吃一块水果，然后开始做作业。22点，休息十分钟，然后再进入复习做作业，到夜里十二点熄灯睡觉。一二三囚五是这样。周六周日的安排，便多了一个上午和一个下午的做作业时间，除了多吃两顿饭外，没有改变任何内容。 我和母亲生活在一起，小学时母亲就和我爸离婚了，原因之一就是父亲认为母亲缺乏知识和修养，为此母亲发誓要把我培养成“有知识有修养”的人。她对我的关心超过了她自己，特别是在我进入高中后，她除了上班外，所有的时间都是在为我服务，围绕我的学习和考大学转。这是我深切感受到的，也真是看在母亲含辛茹苦的份儿上，我默认了很多事。但随着年龄的增长，我觉得不能在所有的事上都由她主宰我的一切了。因为我也是人，一个活脱脱的人，一个活脱脱的年轻人。 我们的争执开始时常常在一些小事上，比如我好困睡着了，她就在外面使劲敲我小屋的门。每次她敲门我就一惊，便嚷起来：“你干嘛不能轻一点？” 母亲说：“轻一点你能听得见吗？” 她的话让我感到无奈而又愤怒。 我从小爱听音乐，随身听是我生活中的一个伴侣，上学路上，睡觉之前，甚至看书之中，它都是我忠诚的伴侣。但母亲特别反感我带着它。几次警告说高三后不能再听了。我表面上答应，可行动上很难下决心，主要是随身听让我感到枯燥的学习生活中还有那么一丝丝的快乐。 我依然改不掉在做作业时戴着随身听的习惯，尤其是感觉疲乏时，耳边能有它优美的歌声相伴会稍稍舒心一些。但母亲并不同意我的观点，她坚持认为我是在有意“分心”。 “怎么又戴上了？告诉你，你再不听我可要把它扔到楼底下去了啊！”母亲不是在门外敲了，而是走到我跟前，拉着嗓门大声说话。 我只好暂且收起来。枯燥而又疲惫地重新伏到桌上做那没有尽头的卷子。不知什么时候，我觉得眼皮在不停地打架，抬头一看时间，才晚上11点。我庆幸方才小憩没有被母亲发现。为了能够坚持最后一小时的作业，我下意识地从枕头底下取出心爱的随身听，哇，感觉好多啦！ 哇，是林志颖的《就是这一天》呀！于是我一边做题，一边跟着欢快地哼了起来： “我倒要看看你怎么个'天天灿烂，天天思念'法！”突然，我的耳机戛然而止。原来母亲像个凶神似的站在了我的身后。broken!我刚要收起随身听，却早已被手脚麻利的母亲用力一夺，转眼间，我还没有反应过来，她便把窗子打开了…… “别扔——！”我知道要发生什么事了，赶紧起身想夺回母亲手中的随身听，可为时已晚。只听楼下的水泥地上沉沉的一声“啪啦”，那声音使我不由得大喊大叫起来：“你想怎样啦？你不把我也扔下去呀！呜呜……” 我又是跺脚又是伤心地哭了起来。然后不顾一切地冲下楼……当我捧起散了架的随身听时，我的心也跟着碎了……我跪在随身听“牺牲”的地方哭得格外伤心，惊动了全楼的人，最后是母亲硬把我拖回了家里。 从那天的事件后，我跟母亲的关系发生了质的变化。凡是她让我做的事我都跟她顶着干。而她也怪了，似乎我不愿意做的事或者反感的事，她偏要我按她的意思去办——我们母女俩成为“死对头”。 时间到了1999年的初夏，这个季节应该说也是我们高三生最紧张的时间。不知电视台怎么安排的，她是不是对我们学生一点也不了解，偏偏在这个节骨眼上在电视里推出了《还珠格格》！这电视一放，赵薇演的“小燕子”把我们中学所有女同学都给吊疯啦！当时学校里除了高考的复习外，最让我们兴奋的就是“小燕子”的话题。“小燕子”真的让我们好爱好爱呀！大人们其实太不了解我们这一代人的心了。根本不是我们这一代人太浅薄的缘故，实在是“小燕子”那无忧无虑、敢作敢为的精神太让我们这些深深压在学习和做题的苦海里的中学生羡慕了！可以说，“小燕子”精神，正是我们渴望而又得不到的、疾呼而又呼不来的形象！“小燕子”的出现，让我们感到了一种解脱，一种希望，一种追求！ 大人们，你们现在明白我们为什么那么喜欢“小燕子”了吧！ 我从来不承认自己是“追星族”的一员，但我对“小燕子”的喜爱超过了所有同学，因为我感觉自己受到学校特别是家庭的压制太多太重了，所以我更加喜欢“小燕子”。从我虽然没看一次电视《还珠格格》，可同学们的言谈中感觉比看过的还强烈几倍，仿佛“小燕子”就是我性格的化身，我追求的影子。我因此向母亲“友善”地提出允许我看一次《还珠格格》，而且我还认认真真地写下一份“保证书”——保证以优良的高考成绩来换得我的这样一次权利。 “你别给我玩小孩把戏了。我怎么可能相信你这样的保证？看电视就会分心，尤其是我不让你看小燕子这样半疯半痴的丫头，浅薄得不能再浅薄了。我正准备给电视台写信呢，他们放这种节目到底是什么意图啊？引导孩子们都去学些什么呀？真是的！”母亲好像对“小燕子”早有一肚子气。真倒霉，我算是哪壶不开偏提哪一壶。 那天是星期天，母亲说她单位里要加班，她把饭菜准备好后，吩咐：老老实实在家做作业，什么事都甭想。我一听高兴得心都快要跳出来了：这下总算有机会目睹“小燕子”的风采了！ “哎，你去上班吧。我保证就在家好好做作业，今天的作业比哪一天都多！”我特意这么说，后来想想，这话等于是“此地无银三百两”。 母亲用特殊的眼光重重地看了我一眼，没说什么便出了门。 “万岁——”我放纵久被禁锢的心，估计母亲已经下到楼底时，便在屋里大声欢呼了起来。赶紧，先打开电视装置，然后接上电线……呀，楼道里突然传来熟悉的脚步声——坏了坏了，母亲返回来了。我赶紧神速地将插销拔掉，又将电视装置重新恢复原状，然后再飞步回到自己的小屋拿起书本……是母亲进门了，是她在电视机那儿停下了脚步，然后在电视机上扒拉了一下，好像检查有没有我动过的迹象——我根本没有回过身，眼睛盯在书本上，可我能感觉到母亲在外屋所做的哪怕是最细微的动作。此时我的心怦怦跳得不能再快了！ 母亲终于走了，屋里恢复了平静，只有我的心与墙上的挂钟在跳动。我像经历了一次惊心动魄的战斗一样，忍不住自己对着镜子笑了起来。 我知道母亲的精明之处，所以第二次想打开电视时，就有意等待了一段时间。我知道从钟表上的时间证明这回母亲真的去单位上班了，这时我才去打开电视。 “解放了——！”我伸伸懒腰，极为自在地从小屋走出，毫无顾忌地走到电视机前，掀开布罩，插上电源，点动电视上的按扭……嗯，奇怪，怎么电视没有图像？ 我急了，左看右看，电源、天线都是好的呀！是坏了？不对，早上还听到母亲在看天气预报么！How is this going?我毕竟是学过不少物理知识的高中生，在检查过程中，发现了一个叫我气得直咬牙的事：母亲把连接电源的那个双脚插头中的一根拔掉了！ 我的妈呀，你这是干什么嘛！那是个无法用其它东西替代的玩艺。面对母亲的“聪明”和眼前的无奈，我狠狠地敲了敲电视，一个人在屋里哭了起来——同学们在前一天就告诉我此时此刻正是《还珠格格》痔欹的时间呀！ 我正在欲哭无泪、不知所措、强烈地想看一眼“小燕子”的时候，楼道里不知谁家的门内传来《还珠格格》的电视声音：“小燕子！小燕子”——那陌生而熟悉的声音直灌我的耳朵，可很快声音消失了，是出来倒垃圾的邻居把门拉上了。 哇，“小燕子”的声音太刺激我了！在家惴惴不安的我终于想了个办法：到邻居家看一眼“小燕子”！ 用什么法子敲开邻居家的门呢？对，就说我家电插头坏了，借把钳子什么的。 我撒谎敲开邻居门时，心头好不激动，但表面上装出十分镇静的样子。好客的邻居哪想到这是我一手“策划的阴谋”，当我表示对他们正在看的《还珠格格》也愿意看一眼时，他们全家人便热情地邀我坐下一起看。接下去的时间简直可以用“大大过瘾”四个字来形容了。在这个家庭里，“小燕子”不仅吸引了与我差不多大的一个女孩子，也吸引了她的父母和姥姥，我真羡慕他们全家。让我想像不到的是，他们在看完当时痔欹的两集《还珠格格》后，听说我从没有看过以前的《还珠格格》，就慷慨地拿出了录制好的两盘录像带又放给我看…… 我完全沉浸在“小燕子”的狂热之中，发现邻居家准备吃饭时，才想起该是我离开的时候了。“对不起，打扰你们好长时间。谢谢！”我不好意思地起身告别，三步两步地回到楼上的家。 当我用钥匙打开防盗门时，发现锁是开着的，心蓦然紧张起来：坏了，妈已经回家了！ “你到哪儿去了？”母亲早已站在小厅中央，等候对我进行审问。 “没、没到哪儿……去楼下邻居家借钳子去了。”我恨自己语无伦次。 “借钳子？那钳子呢？” 我傻了，到人家里半天什么也没做嘛！邻居对我借钳子的事怎么也没提醒一声呀！Really. “你那点花花小肚肠，还想瞒我？”母亲早已气不打一处来：“我知道你不等我出门，就急着想偷看电视！哼，真有本事，自己家的电视不会捣鼓，还想到邻居家借钳子来！去呀，把钳子借来呀！” “我知道是你存心把插头搞坏的。”我觉得不能不说，尤其是想到邻居家的那种温馨快乐情景，以及我与母亲之间的不平等。 “知道了你还跑到人家家里去看？难道你永远管不住自己偷懒？”母亲又开始没头没脑地骂起来，她骂人时的那种尖嗓音最让我感到刺耳，而此时我感到的不仅仅是刺耳，是刺心，深深的刺着我的心！ 也许是积压在心头的怨忿太多大久，我自己都没有想到我的声音会大得甚至有些歇斯底里：“我不偷懒！我从来没有偷过懒一一！” 母亲大概没有想到我会如此反抗，她一愣，火更大了，使出她认为大人惟一能制服儿女的手段——抄起一把铁棍朝我砸来……我真的惊恐得脑子一片空白，因为我想像不出我的亲生母亲会用铁棍向她的女儿砸来！ 我被求生的本能唤醒了！我退至不能退却的地方，我的手下意识地抄起放在桌上的一把菜刀并且高高举在空中…… 母亲惊呆了：“你你你想杀你妈呀？” “我就想杀死你——！”我的声音几乎使全楼的人都听到了，于是我家的房子外传来无比猛烈的敲门声。 就在这一夜，我离家出走了，什么都没带，便离开了家，离开了母亲，一个人在我们小城的一条河边走了五个多小时，在这阴雨绵绵的五个多小时里，我呼天不应，唤地无声，无数次想向湍急的河水中跳去……那是我一生无法忘却的黑夜。现在我回想起那一夜的情景，我真庆幸自己那一夜没有做两件事：一件是我没有留在家里，假如真的留在家里，我难以压下举刀杀母之心；二是那五小时的漫漫长夜，使我有机会渐渐梳理我并不成熟的心路。 你们一定很想知道我以后的情况。我可以告诉你们：去年我考大学的机会失去了，但我和母亲都不感到后悔，因为我们母女和解了。后来母亲在我出走几个月回家后，重新找了一个中学让我去读，我和母亲对今年我考大学都充满了信心。回想起那段难忘的经历，我只想对所有的家长说一句话，那就是：请在严格要求您的孩子努力学习时，不要忘了给他们一点起码的自由，这样不仅不会影响他们的高考成绩，相反有可能获得意想不到的效果。 我认为这绝对没错。 为了“高三生的独白”部分，我采访过各地的几十名学生，在所有接受我采访的这些高三生中，他们都有一个共同的愿望，那就是他们对现行的教育，特别是“一考定终身”的高考以及高考前的学校教学模式提出了最严厉的意见也是最恳切的希望，那便是请求社会、学校和家长们给予他们最基本的自由空间、最基本的人格尊重与做人的权利。 “我们大部分人都过了十八岁的成人年龄，不能因为高考而剥夺我们生存在这个世界上的最基本的权利。我们要求有人权——不是西方政界指责我们的那种人权，是我们作为新世纪一代中国青年人应有的那种既有严格要求，又能体现我们健康快乐与自由个性的人权。”一位现在就读于北京某著名学府法律专业的学生如是说。 关于学生的人权概念，我问过不少家长，他们在没有前提的情况下的回答显得很空泛，可真正接触到自己子女的实际情况时，其回答又让我感到吃惊。 “孩子的人权必须建立在一种有所约束的条件下，比如他们应该在完成学校和家庭对他们的基本要求的前提下，才能谈论此事。”——这是一位在大学当人文教授的学者的回答。原因是他的儿子也是位不安分守己的逃学生。这位教授是在恢复高考后圆了大学梦的“老三届”生，他的体会非常深切：“我的结论是，在中国尤其是现在或今后相当长的一段时间里，没有高学历，就意味着你失去社会对你的尊重与选择。设想一下，一个没有高学历的人，想让社会来重用你，那除非在你通过无数次、无数年的艰苦拼搏后才有可能，而有高学历者可以在走出校门时就获得社会给予你的种种机会。难道我们作为家长，有谁真心想让自己的儿女在无尽的努力与等待中来让社会承认和选择他吗？不会的。那样的代价不仅仅是时间和金钱的问题，而且也是整个时代与民族所不允许的。” 不能不说这位高谈阔论的学者的话没有道理，但谁又能为我们的孩子想一想呢？ “剥夺了权利，剥夺了自由，剥夺了最基本的生存方式，我们不就成了一种机器吗？一种让家长、让学校、让一个用先前的那种模式制造出来的一代吗？这就是你们大人们天天说的时代进步、社会发展吗？再说，当我们一个个变成考试机器后，我们的快乐、我们的创造、我们的幻想、我们的灵智，还有我们的爱情都被混灭后，这个世界、这个时代还有什么是可以吸引我们生命活力的源泉？死吧——做一具还有心跳的僵尸吧，阿门！”学生们这样告诉我。 我想用实例来回答不少家长和老师在这一问题上的某些固执之见，它们实在值得大家深思。 实例之一：《贵阳都市报》刊发的一位中学生 敬爱（的）爸妈： 我已不存在，请不要悲伤。我很对不起你们，请原谅。 我知道你们把我养这么大很辛苦。但是呢，我又没有报答过你们。我的成绩从来没好过，我也不知道为什么。我也不知道从什么时候我有想死的念头，我曾经有过几次想死，但是我还是不愿意过早地死去，但是这一次，我已经彻底地绝望，并不是什么原因，而是我己感到，我是一个废物，样样不如别人。而且由于没有交成绩册和补课本，（老师）没有（让我）报到，也没有（发给我）课本，今天我们班上来了个新生，侯老师对他讲：“后面的同学基本上都是差生……”我想，我已被老师列入差生行列了。我也感到很绝望。下午，我去问老师，星期一交行不行？据同学说，他假期作业有两道数学题没做（没有通过小组检查），老师说：“不行，今天不交星期一就不准上课。”我真的绝望了。 我也想过，我一死会给你们带来什么呢？有坏处、有好处，我一死，会给你们精神上加了不少压力，好处是我一死，你们可以节约一大笔钱，你们可以不用愁我的开支，你们可以尽情地游玩，坐飞机、坐火车、坐轮船，而不用为我担心。我死了，也不要传开来。因为会带来别人所讲的闲话，使你们很不好。如果真的很想我，便给我写信