Now is the season of warm spring and flowers blooming, and the bright sunshine outside the window swept away the haze and cold of the previous days. Even now, I wake up from nightmares in the dark, and the fear has penetrated into the marrow of my bones. Nearly three years have passed since the "5•12" Wenchuan Earthquake. My body is still hurting, and my heart is still bleeding. It cannot be healed, and maybe it will never be healed.Sometimes, I stood on the balcony, looking at the vast distance, trembling all over my body, feeling desperate, and wanted to jump off the stairs. Fortunately, at that time, someone suddenly called and took me out of the illusion of death. Pull back to reality.

Death is not scary. Terrible is living in fear. At the beginning, I thought everything would be blown away with the wind after I was rescued, but I didn’t expect that after surviving, I would always be haunted by nightmares, and I was even more timid than before.There was a little trouble, and my heart trembled.Especially when alone, the feeling of fear overwhelms me like a tidal wave.Maybe other people can't understand, they will say, you are so lucky, you should live happily.Yes, compared to those thousands of victims, I am indeed lucky.However, I can't get rid of the nightmare. Even when I stand in the crowd, I feel lonely, as if I am a lonely ghost. The colors in my life seem to have nothing to do with me, and it is difficult to illuminate my dark heart.I especially understand those suicide survivors in disaster areas. I believe that they, like me, find it harder to live than to die.

Living, very helpless, and very guilty... I am burdened with many pressures from different directions. I have been trying to get out of the shadow of fear, and I have been working hard.I think that the trauma brought to me by the disaster will never be resolved, but I should face it. This is more difficult than the struggle of being buried in the ruins, but I will not give up. Over the past three years, I have resisted the nightmare in different ways, hoping to obtain salvation, the salvation of my soul. Soon after the disaster, I went to the disaster area in Sichuan. The royalties I used funded some children from poor families in the disaster-stricken areas to go to school.Seeing those children's eyes full of confusion and longing, I shed tears. They are survivors just like me, and they also need spiritual comfort.My meager power can't change them at all, but I think giving them hope is the most precious thing.Where there is hope, there is a future.Neither disaster nor poverty nor disease should crush people's hopes.For many days, I have prayed devoutly that all the suffering people in the world can regain hope, gain the courage to live, and live happily.In this way, my restless soul will be comforted.

I also went to the unit that rescued me. At that time, the soldiers who rescued me had left the air force unit assigned to the whole country. I didn’t see them. It’s a pity. I think, as long as I am alive, I will always have a chance to see them , I will always remember their names in my heart: Huang Guiqing, Bao Junjie, Li Xiaofei, Zhang Shipeng... Although I have regrets, I still met Wang Hongwei, Hou Bin, Zhao Bin, Fan Xizhong and other life-saving benefactors.Eating with them reminded me of my long military career. The deep comradeship is hard to describe. I just drank happily, talked loudly, and laughed boldly.When we parted, we hugged each other tightly and wept bitterly!They stand up in times of crisis regardless of life and death, they are affectionate and righteous!They are not only my saviors, but also my good brothers!

I left Chengdu and went to Guizhou because of my other comrade-in-arms and savior Yi Yanduan.Because of saving me, he was treated unfairly... He left his hometown to work in a coal mine in a remote mountainous area in Guizhou.For this reason, my heart cannot be at peace.When I arrived in Guiyang, my respected brother Huang Jian received me.He was the deputy company commander of my recruit company. At that time, he was handsome and my idol. I thought it would be great to be an upright and brave officer like him.After my accident, he saw me on the TV news, and tried his best to contact me (there are many comrades like him who contacted me, which moved me).Hearing that I was going, he made preparations early, contacted many comrades who were in the same army as me at the time to meet with me, and even borrowed a car, and went with me to Jinsha County, far away from Guiyang, to find Yi Yan. end.In a small guest house in Jinsha County, I met Yi Yanduan and his friends from two coal mines.When I saw Yi Yanduan for the first time, my eyes were warm. We shook hands and smiled at each other. I couldn't say anything, but he said: "I'm relieved to see that you are recovering well. . " His face darkened a little, looking vicissitudes, and his generous expression made my heart ache.He left his hometown to save me, how can I not feel heartbroken!We drank a lot that night and talked a lot.They drank soju and spoke plain, homely words, as if nothing had happened, just an ordinary gathering of old comrades in arms.It was a rainy day when I left him.He and his friends went back to the mine, and Brother Huang Jian took me to the airport.I watched Yi Yanduan's back disappear into the rain, my heart was sore, but my tears couldn't flow down.I hope he gets better soon.Fortunately, he returned to his hometown, started working in a new unit, and finally lived a stable life.

After publication, I received many letters from readers.They were moved, gained strength from the book, and encouraged me to live a good life.Kind and sincere readers also warm me up and give me strength when fighting against nightmares again and again.They are like my relatives and friends, and with tolerance and love, they let me regain the courage to live and write.I wrote back to a reader and said: "Even if there is only one reader left in the world, I will continue to write, and I will write more warm works, so that more people can see hope." So, I finished writing novel. I wrote such a story: He Guodian, a survivor of the Wenchuan Earthquake, came to Shanghai with his wife Du Moli. In this metropolis, he experienced all kinds of difficulties and tortures from the depths of his soul and real life, step by step towards the road of self-salvation. road.As early as when I finished writing, I thought about whether I should write a novel about the earthquake.It's hard for me.On the one hand, I couldn't think through too many problems in a short period of time; on the other hand, I had lingering fears about the disaster.And different, is real, is fictional.But in my opinion, the same is true, the life state and mental state of the protagonist in the novel are real.In this world, there are too many people living in the shadow of disaster and struggling.Like them, I once fell into the nightmare of disaster and couldn't extricate myself.In fact, in the process of writing, I am also redempting my soul.I believe that in the most difficult time, there is still love, warmth, and confidence that allow us to survive the cold winter, although it takes courage to live, and the pain is so real that it tortures our soul and body.

In the Spring Festival of 2009, I took my wife and children back to my hometown. I finally realized my dream of building a new building for my elderly and suffering parents.In the new building, there is still the smell of cement and lime, and the winter in our hometown is still so cold, but we are still surrounded by strong family affection and festive atmosphere.My parents are happy to see me; I am also happy to be able to live and spend the New Year with them.Happiness is actually very simple, it is peace.The sound of firecrackers in the New Year's Eve dispelled the gloom, pain and tears of the past year, and I was praying in my heart again, praying that parents all over the world could share the happiness of their family with their children, and praying for those people who are still shrouded in the shadow of disaster to leave as soon as possible. Come out, the sun will shine on them.

We take so little care of our hearts that many times they are overgrown and need to be cleared and rebuilt.When will we be able to make our hearts truly full of poetry, without pain, without fear, full of flowers and sunshine, and the smiling faces of our loved ones? The "Chinese Literature Media Award 2008 Essayist Award" was awarded to me, which I did not expect.I'm so grateful to those who did the awards.I have never won any literary award. I have been writing for so many years, and I have no hope of winning any award, because I am very tolerant of my writing. Writing is a normal state and a way of life for me. It is not important whether I win an award or not. What matters It is whether you can find happiness in writing.

However, winning the Chinese Literature Award is of extraordinary significance. It gave me the courage to face the difficulty of living and writing in my most difficult time. After the Yushu earthquake, I went there.Looking at the devastated Yushu, my heart ached.Many people asked me, why did you dare to come to Yushu after you experienced the Wenchuan Earthquake?In fact, I have not erased the painful memory of the earthquake, nor can I.Once again, I face the disaster to give myself the courage to live.Facing those helpless people, I feel that I should do something for them.I told myself that I was not helping them, I was helping myself.In the past three years, I have done some things to help others, and I will continue to do them in the future. If I am still alive, I will continue to do them. It is not for fame, nor for conscience, nor for gratitude, but for my heart need.

Including this reprint, none of the royalties will be kept, and all will be donated to those who really need help. I live in reality—real nightmares, real resistance, real existence.