Chapter 11 Chapter 3 Beltane Festival and New Year's Eve

Yesterday, my mother passed away suddenly.This hit me hard. At that time, medical conditions were not so good.After a cursory examination of her condition by a doctor, treatment began.She was febrile and depressed, and soon died.I don't know how the rescue was carried out at that time, and when everything passed, I didn't know what happened. At the time, my attention was on the bustling Grand Beltane Festival.In our annual calendar, the Beltan Festival will be held every year from May 1st.This is the first of the ten annual waste burning events to mark the arrival of the new year.It's hard for young people today to imagine how much waste we have to burn.If we do not set a certain time of day and time of day to dispose of them, there will inevitably be a constant stench everywhere from burning garbage.

I was so busy with my trash removal job that I didn't notice the subtle effects of the upheaval on my mother.I kind of miss her, actually.She was flushed and wanted to talk. By the eve of the Beltane Festival, our great search in Rochester was over.I went down the valley to Swising to help the bank's institutions there classify the shares.I found there was not much work there. It was there that Ana found me on the phone and told me that my mother had passed away not long after I had left in the morning. At first, I couldn't believe it was true.This sudden news made it difficult for me to stand.I never seemed to expect this moment to come, and I worked a while longer, and then, in a state of insensitivity, I set off for Rochester.

When I got there, the office was closed.I was led to see my mother, who was pale but peaceful.Her face was quiet and cold, she looked a little strange, and she was lying among the white flowers. I approached her alone, stayed in the quiet room, and stood beside her bed for a long time.I sat down and meditated... Finally, as the loneliness in my heart gradually disappeared, I calmed down, walked out of the house quietly, and walked out into the outside world, into the dazzling, glowing world, into the noisy, joyful world. into the world of waste that is ready to be incinerated. I remember the first time I had Bertin's Day as the scariest and loneliest night of my life.The events of that night kept flashing through my mind.

I remember standing in the stairwell of the great house in Rochester (though I can't remember how I got there from the house where my mother was parked). Just as I was going downstairs, I happened to meet Go upstairs to Anna.As soon as she heard that I was back, she hurried upstairs to meet me.She stopped, and so did I.We hold hands tightly.She looked at me seriously like a woman.So we stayed like that for a few seconds.I have nothing to say to her, but I can feel her emotion.I thought for a moment, reacted to her clenched hand, and let go.I still walked downstairs, and began to concentrate on doing my own thing again.At the time, I didn't even want to know what she was thinking, how she was feeling.

I still remember the soft lights in the corridor at night, and how I walked mechanically towards the dining room.I suddenly saw those little tables.When someone pushed the door open in front of me, I heard a conversation and I didn't think I wanted to eat... After that, I remember walking across the open grass in front of my door.My purpose is to be alone in the wilderness for a while.Someone walked past me and said hat, and I realized I was not wearing a hat when I came out. For a while, I thought of the afterglow of the setting sun sprinkled on the grass in a golden yellow, and there was only one long shadow on the golden grass.The world felt very empty to me without Nettie and without my mother.It doesn't make any sense to think about them anymore.But Nettie is back in my thoughts...

Later, I came to the wilderness.I bypassed the top of the slope... where firewood was being piled up and a bonfire was being lit, and I only went to places where there were few people. I could see clearly that I was sitting at the gate of the fence outside the woods, a rolling place at the bottom of the slope, which just hid the fire and the crowd on the top of the hill.I look at the sunset and enjoy the sunset.The golden earth and sky look like a small bubble floating on the earth where human beings live... Later, in the twilight, I followed an unknown, bat-infested path between the hedges.

That night, I didn't go into the house to sleep.I was hungry and ate something later.It was close to midnight, and I was eating in a little shop on the way to Birmingham.It's only a few miles away from my house.Instinctively, I avoided the top of the hill. There were too many people there, and there were many people here.I had to use a table with another person. Soon a small tulip-shaped flame rose from each hilltop.Surrounded by clusters of figures, dotted at the base of the petals, the people next to them are melted by the soft night.Not far from me came the noisy voices of people, and the crackling of the fire as it burned.I turned off the avenue, took the lanes, and wandered through the fields, avoiding people as much as possible.

I wandered into a barren meadow, lay in the shadow of a hollow, and gazed at the stars.From time to time, I could hear the rustling of the fire burning on the Bertin Festival and the noise of bustle and hustle and bustle.This conflagration burns away the folly of a bygone era.The sound is mixed with the cries of people and the prayers for release from imprisonment. Later, I thought of my mother, and thought of me becoming lonely again, and I was once again filled with deep thoughts of Nettie. I thought about a lot of things that night, mostly about the love and tenderness that filled my heart after waking up to the cataclysm, and about the need for more, the unmet need that my mother would be there for as long as she lived. Owns my heart to a certain extent.She feeds me, feeds my emotions, and fills the void in my soul.However, the comfort that could have been obtained suddenly disappeared.

I really can't remember when I stood up, and then, in the firelight at midnight, I staggered in the winding valley, and I can't remember how to avoid those who came again at three or four o'clock in the middle of the night. The crowd talking and laughing as they headed home.They reinvigorated. At dawn, when the heady fires of the world were reduced to ashes and gave no light, it was a bleak dawn, and I shivered in the morning wind in my thin summer dress.I crossed a field and came to a little grove of lavender hyacinths.A sense of deja vu stopped me.I stopped, very strange in my heart, and then I left the road and walked a dozen steps.A strange-shaped tree appeared in my memory again.This is the place.Here I stood, flying my old kite, and shooting with my revolver.I want to learn how to shoot a gun so I can use it someday when I meet Vlaar.

The kites and guns are gone.All my past passions and self-interests had been reduced to ashes in the conflagration of the Bertin Festival. I returned to the great house in Rochester tired and depressed.The fruitless yearning for Tee made me unmotivated.I did not think of my mother lying in front of me at all. The intense pain led me to the big room, and I had another look at the tranquility on my mother's face. When I reached the room, Anna, who had been sitting by the open window, stood up to greet me.She had a look of anxious anticipation on her face.Due to waiting all night, her face was a little pale.All night she had watched over the dead, watching the Bertin festival fires outside, and anticipating my arrival. ...I stood silently between her and the bed...

"Willie," she said softly, with pity and sympathy in her eyes and manner.An invisible and mysterious force draws us together.The expression on my mother's face became very resolute and dignified, and I threw myself on Anna like a child on a nanny.I put my arms around her strong shoulders.She wrapped her arms around me.My heart suddenly relaxed, I buried my face in her chest, clinging to her weakly, I couldn't help crying... She put her arms around me and whispered to me: "Okay, okay!" It was like an adult comforting a child gently. ...Suddenly, she started kissing me.So I kissed her too... Suddenly, we stopped, stood apart, and stared at each other. It was as if my intense yearning for Nettie vanished as soon as I touched Anna's lips.i love anna. We came to the city hall at that time.We got married there. A year later, we had our own son. We often looked at each other and talked intimately. She is my faithful friend and always will be.For a while, we were passionately in love with each other.She has always loved me and filled my heart with genuine gratitude.I have always loved her too.When our hands touch, and our eyes cast tender glances, from then on, and throughout our lives, we can receive timely and reliable help and protection from each other.We talk to each other very frankly and without reservation. ... After some time, my love and strong yearning for Nettie reappeared, as if it had never been indifferent before.I love Nettie, and I love everyone who is like Nettie, who sounds like Nettie and has eyes and a body and a smile.Between my wife and I, there is no such thing as the pain of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, which can never weaken our mutual love.Because, in our changed world, love knows no bounds.It is like a golden net covering our earth and containing the whole human being.We are all aware of this.We embarrassedly put that feeling aside.Feral's words express my thoughts.He said: Tomorrow we should meet and say goodbye.Therefore, our meeting should make a brief arrangement for the next meeting.We decided that the three of us would go to a small hotel in Monton and have lunch there... Of course, that's all we could say at the time... We broke up with some embarrassment.I was still walking on the village road without looking back.I was amazed at what I was doing, bewildered, as if I found something watching me, embarrassing me, interfering with my plans.For the first time I returned with a serious mind and no haste to do Melmont's work.I went on thinking about Nettie.My mind was suddenly haunted again by Nettie and Feral. The conversation between the three of us was etched in my mind.It was at dusk, and the content of the conversation was fresh and simple.All three looked young and happy, flushed.We lecture with a certain naive shyness about the most intractable problems people need to solve after the Great Change.I remember we talked very little about it.The inherent conspiracy of human life, short-sighted contention, greedy and despicable aggression, jealousy and indifference among people, all these have been resolved and disappeared.Where are we left now?This is what we and thousands of others are discussing…. For some reason, my last meeting with Nettie was inextricably linked to the lady proprietor of the Little Hotel in Monton. The Little Monton Hotel is a delightful little place in the old order.The inn was very prosperous, and was often visited by tourists from Shavermbury.Lunch and refreshments are provided there.It has a play lawn surrounded by arbors covered in vines.Surrounded by snapdragons, hollyhocks, delphiniums and many familiar summer plants.These are lined with laurel and holly.The gables of the hotel can be seen above the trees.Against the sky, bronze beech trees shaded a road sign that depicted George on a white horse slaying a dragon. While I waited for Nettie and Ferrar at this delightful spot, the shop girl and I The Lord started talking. She has broad shoulders, a smiling face, and dark spots on her face.I talked to her about the morning of the sea change.The motherly, red-haired robust woman sensitively affirmed that everything in the world was about to change for the better.The confidence in her voice and the way she spoke made me fall in love with her whenever I talked to her. "Now that we're awake," she said, "everything that was sane will come back to its senses. Why? Oh! I'm sure!" The look in her kind blue eyes met mine friendly.There was a secret sweet smile on her lips when she paused. Old traditions ingrain in us.At the time, all hotel charges in the UK were outrageous.So, I asked how much we should pay for our lunch. "Pay or not," she said. "It's the holidays. I figured we'd have to pay and make money, no matter what we sell. I'm sure it won't be as hard work as it used to be. It's me The question I've been trying to figure out. I've been peeping through the jungle a lot, and I've often wondered: What is justice for me and the people around me? What would satisfy them? That's not money I care about. Please Believe it! The world will change a lot. But I will stay here and make the people... those who pass by happy. This is a happy place when people are happy. Only when they are jealous inside When they are irritable, mean, and bored, when they are irritable and drunk, the devil satan invades this paradise. I have seen many happy faces here, and many people come again like friends. But the future will not be the same as the past It’s the same. Things are getting back to normal these days.” Smiling hopefully, the buxom woman said, "You and your friends are going to have omelets, that cut omelets... yummy! I feel like I'm better at cooking these days .I'd be happy to do it for you..." Just then, Nettie and Ferral appeared outside the hotel under the rustic arcade covered with crimson roses.Nettie was dressed in white and a straw hat, Ferrar in gray. "Here are my friends," I said. But, by the magic of the upheaval, something flitted across the sunshine of my mind like a shadow of a cloud. "A nice couple," said the hostess. At this point, they were walking towards us across the soft green...   They're a really nice couple.However, this did not make me happy.However, seeing them made me feel a little uncomfortable. This old paper, the first reprint of the Novae, is the last remnant of the past.This kind of old newspaper is generally reserved only for discerning people.When I saw this old newspaper, I jumped back fifty years and saw the three of us sitting at a table in the hallway.I could smell the sweet scent of roses wafting in the air around me again.After a long stay, I heard the buzzing of bees from among the flowers in the flower bed.It is the morning of the new era, and the three of us are still wearing the clothes of the past. I saw myself in black, in torn clothes, with the livid lump still on my chin from Ser Ridka's blow. Feral sat in the corner opposite me, healthy, well-groomed, and silent.He is two years older than me, but his temperament makes him look no more masculine than I am. Nettie sat across from me, looking at me with dark eyes.I think she is more dignified and beautiful than ever.She was still wearing the white dress I had met her in the park, and she still had the pearl necklace with the little gold coin on her long neck.She is still in the same attire, but it seems to have changed a lot.It turned out that she was a girl, and Rui was already a woman. The upheaval brought me extreme pain and extreme amazement.At one end of the green table was a clean tablecloth.A sumptuous lunch and simple utensils are placed on the table.The sun was shining brightly in the green garden behind me.I saw it all again, and I was sitting there again, eating awkwardly and looking at the New Paper on the table.Feral was talking about the upheaval. "You can't imagine," he said, with a clear accent and affirmative tone, "how much things have been destroyed in me by the upheaval. I haven't woken up yet. What a labor of effort it took to make our kind! Before , I never thought about it." He leaned over the table to face me, obviously trying to make it better for others to understand. "I found that I was like coming out of my shell... soft and new. People taught me to dress a certain way, act a certain way, think a certain way. I'm just now discovering all How parochial, how absurd, how ludicrous it all is! It's all high-society platitudes. We do things to each other with etiquette, to set ourselves apart from the rest of the world, to keep our distance, to be ourselves They are all gentlemen! However, it is still incomprehensible..." I still vaguely remember him saying this, seeing him raise his eyebrows and smile happily. He stopped.He's been wanting to talk about these things, but it's not something we have to talk about. I leaned forward, clutching my glasses tightly, and said, "When are you guys getting married?" They look at each other. Nettie said slowly, "It wasn't my intention when I left." "I know," I said, trying to lift my head so that my eyes met Feral's. He replied, "I think we've become inseparable...but it's madness that we're going away." I nodded and said, "This is true of all lust." After I finished speaking, I began to doubt my words. "Why would we do such a thing?" he said, turning suddenly to Nettie. She cupped her chin tightly in her hand and looked down. "We have to do that." She didn't know how to answer.Then, she suddenly poured out all she wanted to say. "Willie," she said to me bluntly, looking at me imploringly. "I didn't want to be so cruel to you. Really, I didn't want to. I think about you all the time, and I think about it, and my father and my mother. But, it doesn't move me at all, or my choice .” "Choose!" I said. "There seemed to be something directing me," she admits, "and it was an immeasurable..." She made gestures of despair. Feral traced his fingers across the tablecloth, then turned to me. "Something was telling me to 'take her', everything was dictating me. It was a crazy urge, for her. I don't know. Everything was encouraging me that Do this, otherwise, everything will be worthless. " "Go on," I said. "When I heard about you dates" I looked at Nettie and said, "You never told him about me?" I felt the sting from the past. Feral answered for her, "No. But it's clear. I saw you that night. My instinct told me. I knew it was you." "You're going to beat me? ... I'm going to beat you if it's possible," I said, "Go on!" "It's all about accomplishing the best thing in life. It was an air of total recklessness, a dangerous move, and it could mean failure in my political life and in other areas. Because that's what I'm doing. Pursue something. It's better this way! For Nettie, that would mean loss of everything and pain. No sane person, educated person would let us do that. But it would make things greater than they were. I had every advantage. I took advantage of them despicably." "Yes," I said, "that's right. But the same dark emotion that spurs you, spurs me to the chase. I'm holding a pistol, and I'm crying out of anger. And, Nettie, the word 'give' What do you mean? How did you fall off the cliff?" Nettie put her hands on the table. "I can't tell what that means either," she confessed to me. "Girls don't see each other's minds like guys do. I don't. All the little dirty motives outweigh the 'must' Bad motives! All I've been thinking about is his clothes and appearance," she said, her eyes lighting up, and she glanced at Feral. "All I've ever wanted to do is sit in a hotel like a lady, surrounded by men who look like housekeepers. That's the real reason for the horror! Willie! Things are just so despicable! Even despicable than that!" I could see that Nettie was begging my forgiveness now, with the utmost sincerity. After a pause, I said, "It's not all mean." "Yes!" they said in unison. "Women have more choices than men, though," Nettie went on. "I saw it in a pretty magazine. You know? It's one of those jackets that... there's something... if you don't mind me Come out? At least, now you don't care!" I nodded and said, "Not now." She spoke to me calmly and sincerely, as if speaking to my soul, wanting to tell me the truth. "There's a fluffy thing in the material of your clothes. I know it's kind of scary to be swayed by that stuff. But they do sway me. I used to admit it! I hate Clayton, Hate Clayton's filth, hate that kitchen...your mother's dreadful kitchen! Besides, Willie, I was afraid of you. I didn't know you, and I knew him. It's different now. But then , I know what he means to me. And, I love his voice." "Yes," I said to Ferral, quietly making these new discoveries, "Yes, Ferral, you have a beautiful voice. How strange! I never noticed it before!" We sat in silence for a while, dissecting our emotions. "My God!" I shouted, "and our intellect trying to block our friendship, our indescribable passions of desire. These desires include contact, visual communion and emotional communication like a drowned chicken clucking in the water. endlessly." Feral laughs and agrees with my metaphor.He further said: "A week ago we were clucking and going with the waves in our coop. That was it a week ago. But, today..." "Today," I said, "the wind has stopped blowing. The storms of the world have passed. Every chicken coop has miraculously become a gallant ship." "What should we do?" Feral asked. Nettie drew a purple carnation flower from the bowl in front of us, then, carefully bending the calyx down, removed the petals one by one.I remember talking and she kept doing that.She arranged these torn fuchsia petals in a row and played with them incessantly.In the end, when I was left alone with the pieces, the pattern was not yet set. "Okay," I said, "it seems so simple. You two..." I omitted the second part of the sentence "love each other". I stopped.They answered me with silence...a thoughtful silence. "You belong to each other. I've thought about it, from different angles. I happen to want it, and it's impossible. My behavior is terrible. I have no right to go after you." I Facing Flarr, "Are you going to fulfill her obligations?" He nodded in agreement. "No matter what social pressure, no matter what happens, won't make you back?" he answered me, looking at me with honest eyes. "No, no!" "I didn't know you before," I said. "I thought you were a different kind of person." "I used to be like that," he interjected. "Now," I said, "everything has changed." Then I stopped.Because my train of thought forked. "As for me," I said, glancing at Nettie, who was looking straight at the ground, and sat forward, looking at the flowers between us, "since I'm bothered by Nettie, or will be. ;if this obsession is the germ of a great passion; and since it is unbearable for me to see her owned by you, and wholly owned by you, I must go and leave you. You should avoid me, as I should. Fuck you. . . . We must be separated like Jacob and Esso in the Bible. I'm going to give my full attention to other things. After all this lust is not what life is all about! Maybe it's the savage life , but not my life. Never! We must separate, and I must pay attention to the past. What else?" I didn't look up, I sat nervously, and at the same time, I wanted to imprint those red petals forever in my mind.However, I sensed Feral's approving gaze.There was a silence. Then Nettie spoke. "But," she tried to speak, and swallowed again. I waited a moment, then, with a sigh, leaned back in the chair.I smiled and said, "Since we're all calm, it's easier." "Easy?" Nettie interrupted me. I looked up and saw her eyes were on Ferrar."You know, I love Willie and it's hard to say what a guy feels. But I don't want him to just go away," she said. "But," objected Feral, "what?" "No," said Nettie, messing up the dianthus petals already arranged, and quickly arranging the petals in a row. "I've never in my life ever reached into the depths of my soul. It's been so hard. One thing, I want to say I was wrong with Willie. He...he's been looking out for me. I know he does .I am his hope,I am his everything in the future,his joy he never enjoyed before,his hidden pride.He exists for me.I know that when the two of us begin to meet,you and I To him, my behavior was immoral." "Without morals!" I said, "you too have searched your way in confusion." "You used to think it was immoral?" "I don't think so now." "I used to think that way. I still think that way, in a sense, because you wanted me." I was a little opposed to this statement, so I mused. "Even when he was going to kill us," she said to her lover, "I pity him in my heart. I can understand all these horrible things now. This is the shame, the shame he went through." "Yes," I said, "but I don't understand..." "I don't understand either. I'm just trying to figure it out. But, you know, Willie, you're a part of my life, I've known you longer than I've known Edward, I know you better. In fact, I understand you with all my heart. You are thinking, you have told me all you want to say, and I am forever misunderstood, not understanding your ambition. No, I understand, and think more, now, I know it all. I understand you much deeper than Edward brought me. I understand now...you are a part of my life. I don't want to separate what I understand from me, Throw them away." "But you love Feral." "Love is such a weird thing! . . . Is there only one love? I mean is there only one love?" She turned to Ferral. "I know I love you. I can say it now. I couldn't say it before yesterday morning, as if my mind had just escaped the prison of confusion. But what is love for you? It is A feeling... a feeling of something beautiful, what you call coquetry, my own hopes and my own deceptions. All these are now mixed together to stimulate deep-seated emotions. Love seems to be everything, but it is not everything. How can I describe it? It is like a bright lamp with a thick shade, and everything in the room is shrouded in darkness. But when you put the shade Take it away and everything will be clear." Her voice stopped.For a while, no one spoke.Nettie quickly gathered the petals into a pyramid shape. Her figurative metaphors always bother me.It's like the charming refrain from the song keeps recurring in my head. "It's the same lamp..." "No woman would believe these things."she said suddenly. "What's up?" "Not a single woman believes them until now." "You have to choose between us," Feral said. It seemed that he understood her words better than I did. "That's what we're taught. We're told endlessly in books, in stories told, in the way people behave, that one day there will be a man who will be everything to you and the rest People are unimportant, abandon others and live with him.” "It's the same with men. People say there will be a woman one day," Ferral said. "It's just that the men don't believe it! Their minds are more persistent... Men's behavior always shows that they don't believe it. One doesn't need Grow up and know. Men don't just believe it. And women don't believe anything. A woman walks into a mold and keeps her secret thoughts hidden." "Women used to be like that," I said. "Anyway, you don't," Feral said. "I've come out. It's because of Comet, and Willy, because I've never believed in patterns. Even if I wanted to. Let him go, put him in a Humiliated. Never see him again, stupid thing to do. Walk past him like he's a defeated rooster, and I'll have to feign joy It's too cruel, too vicious, too ugly. It's selfish, barbaric, and unreasonable. I..." Her voice trembled, "Willie! I won't do this!" I sat, head down, looking thoughtfully at her flicking fingers. "It's savage," I said, deliberate and unemotional, "but that's the nature of the matter. . . No! . . . half of our nature is instinct, after all, Nettie, you see! And, as you say That said, men are more stubborn than women. The comet doesn't change it, it just makes it stronger. By a blind force, we've all become stubborn. . . . Back to what I just said! We've Reasonable thoughts are found, the will to live well is found. We find ourselves drifting according to instinct, passion, natural prejudice, animal stupidity.  … And here we are like some people—like some Just like those who wake up." "We're going to have to get back to our problems eventually!" Feral said mildly. "What are we going to do?" "Break up," I said. "You know, Nettie, our bodies aren't angel bodies. Angel bodies are all the same, and I've read that we can find some of the lowest animal traits in our bodies." For example, our inner ear, I think so. And our teeth, which still have some features of fish; Not even your beautiful body, Nettie, is immune to this effect, no! Listen to me." I leaned forward and said earnestly, "Our emotions, our passions, our desires, their substance is as The nature of our body is animal. It is full of struggles and desires. What you are saying to us right now is just one of many thoughts. When a person finishes working out, when he finishes eating, he does that. But when a When man does nothing but devotes himself to living, he again turns to desire..." "Yes," Nettie went on slowly, "but you can make it yours." "We cannot subdue desire. We must make desire our friend as we disintegrate our enemy. Today, as long as there is faith, anything can be solved. He can say to the mountain, either move you away, or throw you into the sea. He He can do this because of fellow man who helps him trust his brother, because he has brains, patience, courage. He can win steel, dynamite, cranes, trucks, money, manpower, etc. to his side Come. . . . In order to conquer my desire for you, I must walk away so that I may not see you. I must find other interests and throw myself into various struggles and debates." "And forget about me?" Nettie said. "I won't forget." I said, "But no matter what, I won't miss you so much." "No." She said, messing up the last petal pattern, and then looked up at the excited Feral. "You know," he said, "I don't think much about these things. In high school or college, students can't think. . . . Thought is a free thing, and it goes around the world. But a man can only To have a woman. You have to put your rivals away. We are here to live. For every woman, only one man wins, and everyone else has to go." "Like an animal," Nettie said. "That's it.……" “生活中有许多事物。”我说，“但是，这是一条放之四海而皆准的道理。” “但是，”内蒂说，“你们没有去争取。这条真理已经改变了，因为人是有思想的。” “你选择吧！”我说。 “如果我不打算选择呢？” “你已经选择了。” 她有点耐不住性子了，说：“噢！为什么女人总是男人的奴隶？难道在这伟大的理性与光明的时代就不能对此作点改变吗？还有男人？我想这都是不明智的。我不相信这就是正确的解决办法。这只是这个时代的坏习惯，这是天生的！你不会让你的本能捆绑你。我就在你们俩人中间。这就是爱德华。我爱你，因为他快乐而快乐，而且因为……因为我喜欢他！这是威利－－我生命的一部分，我的第一个秘密，我最早的朋友！为什么我不能不和你们俩同时交往？”她停下来，然后，她向我提出了她的建议。她说：“让我们三个人在一起。我们不要分开。分开就意味着嫉恨。威利，为什么我们不能始终做朋友呢？为什么不能对面说说话呢？” “说说话？”我说，“就说这类事吗？” 我看着对面的弗拉尔，碰到了他的目光。于是，我们互相交换着看法。那是一种真诚的纯洁的目光。 “不！”我决定了，“你我之间，不会出现那种事。” “永远吗？”内蒂说。 “永远不。”我断言。 我内心做了努力，我说：“我已经把我本人交给了一个新的情人，那就是自己，内蒂。在你之后，这里正在兴起一座'世界城市'，我就在那座建筑里。亲爱的！你就会幸福，而且，那是一种呼吸！如果要不是我的生命的血液成为大厦的基石，我几乎希望那就是我的一部分。内蒂，我要把我融注在那里。”我几乎把全部的信念说出来了。……我有点站不稳，接着又说：“不会有任何的感情冲突会使我分心。” There was a silence. “那么，我们一定得分手了。”内蒂说。 我点头表示只能这样。 又是一阵短暂的沉默，接着，我站了起来。我们三个人都站了起来。我们闷闷不乐地分了手，没有能记住一句当时说的话。我一个人留在了凉亭里。 我现在想不起来我是否注视他们走了。我只记得自己被丢在那儿感到可怕的寂寞和孤独。我又坐了下来，开始沉思。 突然，我抬起头。内蒂已经回来了，她站在那儿，正看着我。 “自从我们谈过话后，我一直在想，“她说，“爱德华让我单独到你这儿来，而且，我觉得可能我应该单独与你说会儿话。” 我一言未发，这使她有点尴尬。 “我想，我们不该分手。”她说。 “不！我认为我们不该分手。”她重复着。 她说：“我们的存在方式不同，我不知道你是否会明白我所说的，威利。很难一下子说清我的感觉，但是，我还是想说出来，如果我们要永远地分别，我想把它说出来……非常直接地说出来。在我有了女人的本能和接受了一个女人应隐藏什么的教育之前，我总想说出来。但是，爱德华不是我的全部。想想我所说的，爱德华不是我的全部，……我希望我与你讲清我是怎么理解的，我不完全属于自己。无论如何，我是我的一部分。我不能让你离开我。……威利，想到我们俩要分离，对我来说太可怕了。” “可是，我已经决定了。我们必须分手。” "why?" "I love you." “好了，那为什么我要回避这一点，威利？我也爱你……” 我们的目光触到一起。She blushed.她坚决地说：“你太蠢了。整个事情都太蠢了。你们俩我都爱。” 我说：“你不明白你在说什么。不！” “你的意思是我必须走？” “对，对。走！” 有一会儿，我们彼此对视着，无言以对，好像落入了深不可测的黑暗之中。She was silent. “我一定得走吗？”她终于说，嘴唇在轻微地颤抖，同时，眼中的泪水在闪动。接着，她又说：“威利！” “走吧！”我不让她再说下去，“就这样。” 于是，我又一次沉默了。 她站在那儿，成了一个可怜的泪人，希望得到我，同时又同情我。某种广意的爱将会使我们的子孙后代最终掐脱所有的书约。而人类艰难而明确的责任使我们深深感动。它就像来自天国的一缕清风吹拂过去。 于是，我们之间拉开了一定的距离。we broke up.内蒂走了。她回头望着，心中很难舍。她和她选择的人一起走了，去找她所选择的命运，她远离了我的生活－－如同阳光消失在我的生活里…… 于是，你知道，我把报纸叠起，放在了我的衣袋里。而我对那次会面的记忆也随着内蒂转身离去而终结了。 这一天，我记得非常清楚，我可以保证我们所说的话都没有错误。接下去是一片空白。我记不清我是怎么回到了林克斯附近的那所房子忙着为麦尔蒙特准备行囊，以及又怎样带着炽热的欲望来到路旁单独与麦尔蒙特告别的。 或许我已经在怀疑我与内蒂永远分别的决定是否恰当了，因为我想把我脑子里记得的，曾经说过、曾经做过的事都讲给麦尔蒙特听…… 我不记得除了仓促地与麦尔蒙特紧紧地握手外还和他说过什么，真的不记得了。一切都在我的脑海里隐去了。 我注视着他的汽车渐渐远去的影子，先是爬上了前面的山，接着翻过山消失得没有踪迹了。 我只清楚地记得我当时的悲凉和孤寂。我清楚地记得我在那儿第一次得到了充分明确的暗示，那就是这次巨变和我新的生活目标并不象征着我随意可以得到幸福。 当我看到他走了时，我真想抗议这种不公平的做法，我自言自语地说：“这么短的时间就把我独自地丢下了。” 我觉得我失去的东西太多了。在我告别了充满激情的生活，告别了内蒂和我的欲望告别了个人争夺，告别了我内心强烈的情感后，不该把我一个人孤零零地丢下，让我伤心，让我马上就去担负更大更艰巨的责任。我就像刚出生一样，赤裸裸的，茫然不知所措。 “工作！”我使劲地大声说，然后转过身叹了口气。 我很高兴我选择了这条路，至少这可以把我带回到母亲身旁去……