Chapter 17 Chapter 15 Guardian

When I regained consciousness, there was no disorientation.I know exactly where I am, roughly speaking, I keep my eyes closed and my breathing is even.I tried to know as much as possible about my exact situation without giving away the fact that I had regained consciousness. I'm hungry, my stomach is rumbling and making angry growling noises.I doubt the noises will give me away - I'm sure it's still purring in protest when I'm asleep. I had a terrible headache and it was impossible to know how much of it was from the tiredness and how much from the shock I had taken. I am lying on a hard surface.The top is rough and angular.It's not flat, but it's bent at a strange angle, as if I'm lying in a shallow bowl, and it's not comfortable at all.My back and hips twitched from being bent into this position, and the pain was probably why I woke up feeling far from rested.

It was dark - I could tell without opening my eyes.Not pitch black, but very dark. The stale smell in the air was stronger than ever—damp and foul, with a particularly strong smell stinging my throat.The temperature was cooler than in the desert, but the jarring humidity was uncomfortable.I was sweating again, and the water Jeb gave me seeped out of my pores. I could hear my breathing echoing from a few feet away, maybe I was only close to one wall, but I guess I was in a very small space.I listened as hard as I could, and it sounded like my breathing was bouncing off the other side of the wall too.

Knowing that I might still be somewhere in that cave system that Jeb led me into, I'm pretty sure what I'll see when I open my eyes.I'm sure I'm in some little hole in the rock, that deep purple-brown, hole-like cheese rock. Apart from the sounds of my body, there was silence.I worry about my eyes and rely on my ears, resisting the silence more and more.I can't hear anyone else, it doesn't make sense.They won't leave me alone unguarded, will they?Uncle Jeb and his omnipresent rifle, or someone less sympathetic.Leaving me alone would be against their murderous nature, their instinctive fear and hatred for who I am.

Unless I want to catch my breath, but terror seals my throat.They won't leave me alone unless they think I'm dead, or sure I'm dying, unless there are still places in these caves where people never return. I have been conceiving images of my surroundings, and those scenes are changing dizzyingly in my mind.Now I see myself at the bottom of a deep ventilation duct, or rather I have been thrust into a narrow grave.My breath came short, tasting the musty smell in the air, looking for signs that I was now lacking oxygen.The muscles around my lungs pulled upward, filling with air, ready to scream.I gritted my teeth so as not to leak it.

Sharp and close at hand, there was something disturbing like a fence across the ground next to my head. I screamed, the sound pierced the small space, and my eyes snapped open.The eerie sound made me involuntarily back away until my body touched a rough rock wall.I raised my hands to protect my face, and my head slammed hard on the low top. A dim light illuminated the round exit and into the narrow, bubble-like opening in which I crouched.Jared leaned into the opening with a feline body, and when he stretched out an arm towards me, his face shone with a little light, and he looked a little cheerful, and his lips were pressed tightly together angrily.Watching my painful reaction, a vein in his forehead bulged.

He didn't move, just stared at me furiously as my heart started beating again and my breathing slowly calmed down.I looked into his angry eyes and remembered how quiet he had been--like a ghost, if he wanted to.No wonder I didn't hear him sitting outside my cell, guarding me. But I heard something.As far as I remember, Jared pushed his outstretched arm closer, and the harsh grinding sounded again.I looked down and there was a battered plastic mat acting as a tray at my feet, and on top of it I swooped down to grab the open bottle of water.Little did I realize Jared's lips twisted together in disgust as I jerked the bottle to my mouth.I'm sure this will upset me later, but all I care about right now is the water.I don't know if in my life I'll still waste water for granted.Given that my life here is unlikely to last long, the answer is likely no.

Jared disappeared, turned and walked through the circular entrance.I could only see the shadow of his sleeve and nothing else.The dim light came from somewhere beside him, a synthetic light blue. I gulped down half of the water, noticed a new smell telling me that water wasn't the only boon, and looked down at the tray again. Food, do they want me to eat? It was bread—a lumpy black roll—that I sniffed first, but there was also a bowl of somewhat clear liquid that smelled of onions.As I leaned closer, I could see a darker mass at the bottom, and three stubby tubes beyond that.I'm assuming they're vegetables, but I don't recognize the different varieties.

It took me a few seconds to figure out what those were, but even in that brief moment, my stomach nearly popped out of my mouth for the food. I tore open the bread, it was very rough, covered with whole grains of wheat, stuck in my teeth.Although rough in texture, it is extremely rich in flavor.I can't remember anything more delicious, not even my powdered twijji biscuits.My jaw moved as fast as I could, but most of the time I only half-chewed down the rough bread, and I could hear my stomach gurgling with every bite.It didn't feel as good as I thought it would, my stomach had been empty for too long and I had a maladaptive reaction to the food.

I ignored it and went for the liquid - it turned out to be soup, which was easier to swallow.Other than the onions I could smell, the flavors were mild and the green lumps were soft and moist.I picked up the bowl and drank it directly, hoping that the bowl would be deeper.I licked it with my tongue to make sure I drank every drop of the soup. The white vegetable has a crunchy texture and a woody taste, some kind of root.They're not as satisfying as a soup or delicious as a bread, but there are so many that I'm grateful for.I wasn't full - far from full - and if I thought I could chew the tray up, I'd probably have gone on to eat it long ago.

It didn't occur to me until I was done that they shouldn't have fed me, unless Jared lost his fight with the doctor.If that's the case, then why would Jared be my guard? When the tray was empty, I pushed it away, intimidated by the noise it made as it rubbed against the ground.My back was pressed against the wall of my bubble as Jared reached in to retrieve the plate, and this time he didn't look at me. "Thank you," I whispered as he disappeared again.He said nothing, and there was no change in the expression on his face.Not even the corner of his sleeve appeared this time, but I'm sure he was there.

He actually hit me.Melanie said to herself that when she thought so, it was more like disbelief than hatred. She hasn't gotten over the blow that this incident has brought to her.I wasn't surprised at first.Of course he hit me. I don't know where you are, I replied, and it's no crime to get me into this mess and leave me here. She ignored my sarcasm.It never occurred to me that he would do that, and for whatever reason, I don't think I would ever hit him. Of course you will.If his eyes gleamed and he walked towards you with evil intentions, you would do the same, you are violent by nature.I thought of her daydream of trying to strangle the hunter, which seemed months ago, though I knew it was only a few days ago.It wouldn't be unreasonable if it was something more distant.Getting myself into a catastrophic situation like the one I'm in right now deserves a little more work. Melanie tried to look at it impartially.I do not think so.Not Jared and Jamie, there's no way I could hurt Jamie, even with his and her voice fading away, hate thinking about it. I pondered the matter and found it to be true.Even if this kid becomes something else, or someone else, neither she nor I will hold out a hand to him. That's different, you're like a mother.The mother is irrational in this situation, there are too many emotional factors involved. Motherhood is always emotional - even to your soul. I have no response to this. What do you think should be done now? You know humans best, I reminded her that it might not be a good thing for them to give me food, the only reason I can think of is that they want me to be strong. I remembered a few particular events about the history of human cruelty, jumbled together in my mind with the reports we had read in the old papers the other day.Flame - that's bad.In one silly accident, Melanie scorched all the fingerprints on her right hand when she grabbed a frying pan without realizing it was hot.I remember how shocked she was by the resulting pain - it was all so sudden and excruciating. It was no more than an accident, though, and it was quickly dealt with with ice, ointments, and medicine.Nobody does that on purpose, after the first nasty pain they go on doing it to themselves, and on and on and on and on and on and on before coming.This place is really the highest and lowest of all worlds—the most beautiful senses, the most delicate emotions, the most vicious desires, the darkest deeds.Perhaps, that was the case.Perhaps the highest cannot be achieved without the lowest.Are souls the exception to this rule?Without the darkness of this world, would they have the light? I get the feeling when he hits you.Melanie interrupted.The words came out, word for word, as if she didn't want to think about them. I have a feeling too.After spending so much time with Melanie, it's amazing to use sarcasm so naturally now, he's good at backhanding, isn't he? I don't mean that, I mean that she hesitated for a long time, and then said the rest at once.I thought it was just me—the way we felt about him, I thought it was within my grasp. Her implication is clearer than the words themselves. You think you have what it takes to bring me here because you wish so badly.Because you're controlling me, not the other way around.I'm trying not to get upset that you think you're manipulating me. Yes, her annoyed tone was not because I was upset, but because she didn't like being wrong, but I waited. Thoughts rushed out of her head again.You fell in love with him too, which is not the case with me.This feeling is different from mine, something else.I didn't understand until he was with us, until you saw him for the first time, how could something like that happen?How can a three-inch bug love a human being? insect? Sorry, I guess you have limbs in some way. No, they are more like tentacles.When they stretched, I was well over three inches. I mean, he's not your kind. My body is human and I told her that when I relate to it, I'm human too and the way you look at Jared in memory well, it's all your fault. She thought about it, and she didn't like the feeling that much. So if you went to Tucson and got a new body, wouldn't you love him by now? I really, really hope that's the case. Neither of us was satisfied with my answer, and I rested my head on my knees as Melanie changed the subject. At least Jamie is safe and I know Jared will take care of him.If I had to leave him, I couldn't put him in better hands and I wish I could see him. I'm not asking about that!Thinking of the answer to that request terrified me. At the same time, I was so eager to see that boy's face in person.I wanted to make sure he was really here, really safe—and that they fed him and gave him the care that Melanie would never be able to give him again.The way I—not anyone's mother—wanted to take care of him.Will someone sing to him at night?Tell him a story?Would this new, angry Jared think a little of that?Does anyone let him snuggle when he's scared? Do you think they'll tell him I'm here?Melanie asked. Would that help him, or hurt him?I asked back. She whispers in my head.I don't know I wish I could tell him I kept my word. Of course you complied.I shook my head, amazed that no one would say you didn't come back, like always. Thank you for saying that.Her voice was weak.I couldn't tell if she was thanking me for what I said, or something more important—bringing her here. I suddenly felt exhausted, and I sensed that she did too.Now that my stomach feels better and almost feels half full, my other pains aren't as strong as they should be to keep me awake.I hesitated before moving, afraid to make any noise, but my body wanted to straighten, to stretch.I try not to make any noise as much as possible, trying to find a bubble that is long enough for me.In the end, I had to stick my feet into that round opening.I didn't want to do that, worried that Jared would hear him and think I was trying to escape, but he didn't respond.I leaned my surviving cheek against my arm and closed my eyes, trying to forget that the arc of the ground had bent my spine. I think I fell asleep, but if I did, it wasn't a very deep sleep.When I was fully awake, the footsteps were still far away. This time I opened my eyes immediately, and nothing changed - I could still see the dim blue light coming through the hole, and I still couldn't see if Jared was outside the hole.Someone was coming this way—it was easy to hear footsteps getting closer.I pulled my legs away from the opening, as lightly as possible, and curled up against the wall behind me.I would have loved to be able to stand up so I wouldn't feel so weak and more prepared for whatever came my way.The cave's low dome barely allows me to kneel on the ground. There was a sudden movement outside my cell, and Jared's feet flashed past my eyes as he rose silently to his feet. "Ah, here you are," said a man.His words were so loud in the silence that it startled me.I recognize the voice.One of the two brothers I saw in the desert—the one with the machete in his hand, Kyle. Jared didn't speak. "We're not going to allow this, Jared." Another man spoke, this one more reasonable.Maybe brother Ian.The voices of the two brothers were very similar - or they would have been, if Kyle hadn't always been so yelling, his tone always distorted with anger. "We've all lost loved ones -- damn, we've lost everyone, but it's ridiculous to do that." "If you don't let the doctor get it, then it's going to die," Kyle added, yelling. "You can't imprison it here," Ian continued. "Eventually, it will escape and we will all be exposed." Jared didn't speak, but he took a step aside, right in front of the entrance to my cell. When I understood what the brothers meant, my heart beat heavy and fast.Jared wins, I won't be tortured.I'm not going to be killed—not right away, anyway, Jared has made me a prisoner. In such cases, it's a beautiful word. I told you he would protect us. "Don't make this difficult, Jared," said a man I didn't recognize, "this has to be done." Jared said nothing. "We don't want to hurt you, Jared, we are all brothers here. But if you force us, we can't control so much." Kyle's tone showed no trace of threat, "Get out of the way." Jared stood still. My heart was beating faster than before, tugging on my ribs, and the pounding motion interrupted the rhythm of my lungs, making it hard to breathe.Melanie was incapacitated by fear and could not think coherently. They would hurt him, those stupid and extreme humans would kill each other. "Jared, please," Ian said. Jared didn't answer. A heavy footstep—the sound of a sudden rush forward—a heavy thing hitting something solid.There was a gasping sound, a choking sound of breathlessness. "No!" I yelled, jumping out of the round hole.