Chapter 38 Chapter 38 Awakening

Tobias turned his head, his almost black eyes shifted to me, his brows furrowed.He stood up, confused, and raised his gun. "Drop your weapons," he said. "Tobias, you are in a simulation." "Drop your weapon," he repeated, "or I'll shoot." Jeanine said he didn't recognize me anymore, and that the simulation made him see friends as enemies.He might kill me if he felt the need. I put the gun at my feet. "Drop your weapons!" Tobias shouted. "I've put it down." I heard a faint voice in my heart. He couldn't see my face, hear what I said, and didn't know who I was.There seemed to be flames rising behind my eyes.I can't stand here helpless and let him shoot me.

I rushed over and grabbed his wrist.When he pulled the trigger, I felt his muscles move and immediately crouched down.Bullets hit the wall behind me.I gasped, kicked him in the ribs, and twisted his wrist to the side with all my might.He let go and the gun fell to the ground. I definitely can't beat Tobias, I already knew that.I reached down to grab the gun on the ground, but before I could touch it, he grabbed me and wrenched me aside. I stared into his sad, conflicted eyes, and for a split second he punched me in the jaw.I hurriedly tilted my head to one side, moved away from him, and raised my hands to protect my face.I can't fall down; absolutely not, or he's sure to kick me to death, and that's bad, bad.I lifted my heel and kicked the pistol out of his reach, and ignoring the sharp pain in my jaw, kicked him in the stomach.

He grabbed my foot and pulled it, and I fell all of a sudden, landing on my shoulder, the pain blinding my eyes.I looked up at him, only to see his foot pulled back, about to kick it over.I knelt down and reached for the gun, but I didn't know what to do with it.I can't shoot him, not like that, absolutely not.My Tobias is hidden in his body. He grabbed my hair and jerked it aside. I turned around and grabbed his wrist, but he was so strong that my head hit the wall hard. My Tobias was among them. "Tobias," I called. Did he loosen his grip on me?I turned around and kicked back, hitting his thigh with my heel.Hair slipped from between his fingers, and I leaned over to pick up the gun again, my fingertips gripping the cold metal.I rolled over on my back and pointed my gun at him.

"Tobias, I know you're there," I yelled. But if he had been there, he probably wouldn't have rushed over, looking like he wanted to kill me. With a throbbing pain in my head, I stood up with difficulty. "Tobias, please," I begged, pitifully.Tears made my face hot. "Please, look at me." He rushed towards me at a brisk pace, his movements full of danger, fast and powerful.The gun trembled in my hand. "Please look at me, Tobias, please..." Even when he was frowning, his eyes still looked thoughtful.I remember the corners of his mouth curled up when he smiled.

I can't kill him!I'm not sure if I love him or why, but pretty sure what he would do if he were in my position.What I'm still sure of is that there's nothing worth doing to him. I've done this before - in my "fear space" with a gun in my hand and a voice yelling for me to shoot someone I love.That time, I voluntarily died for them.I can't imagine how it would help at this moment, but all I know is that it's the right thing to do at this moment. My father said--he used to say it when he was alive--that there is infinite power in self-sacrifice. I turned the gun in my hand and pressed it tightly in Tobias' hand.

He pointed the gun at my forehead.The tears are dry, the wind is blowing on the face, and it feels cold.I put my hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat.At least his heartbeat was still his. The bullet clicked into the chamber.Maybe getting him to shoot me was as easy as it was in Fear Space, as easy as it was in my dream.Or maybe it was just a bang, the lights faded, and I found myself in another world.I stood there quietly, waiting. Will I be forgiven for what I did to come here? I don't know, and never will. Please forgive me.