Chapter 10 return near death experience

My life now is a mass of white, gray, black.Nothing else.Days seem like years, drunk and dreaming of death, dragging out my last breath.The remaining days are meaningless, waiting to die like a rabbit.I wouldn't even go to work if I didn't need the money.In the rest of my spare time, I sat in a daze wherever I could sit, always repeating in my mind the old Nabokov's sentence "... the light of my life, the fire of my desire, and at the same time my The evil of..." While reading, my heart sank.I heard the sound of lights being turned off, the sound of flames being extinguished.Every sound is like a knife etching my soul, my dream, and my life.

The light of my life is gone; the fire of desire is extinguished.Xiao Di's face seemed to be separated from me by a layer of water.Sink, sink.Disappeared.I hit replay in my head, every day, all the time.As soon as her face disappears, I replay it.Memories aren't as real as what's happening, but they're better than nothing. She swam nimbly in the shallow sea near the shore, like an elusive mermaid.I squeezed the small box containing the ring in my hand, and my palm was sweating finely.She stood up from the sea, happily walked ashore, and waved to me: "Come and swim!"

"You come to me first!" The beach was so empty and filled with the sound of water that I had to call out to her to hear it. "What's the matter?" She pouted and walked towards me. I cupped my hands behind my back to my chest.She saw the little night sky blue box with its mouth open in a big O shape. "Xiao Di," I knelt down on one knee, and suddenly felt that the appearance of proposing in a swimsuit was too funny, and I stuttered, "You know...I..." I'm a clumsy guy and a wimpy guy at the same time.Somehow, at this moment, I thought of my neighbor and high school classmate Zeng Heng.Zeng Heng is very handsome, and many girls in the school like him.Only we who lived in the same dormitory with him knew that he only had one pair of underwear, which he wore on the front for two days and turned over to wear on the back for two days. He didn’t wear them on Fridays, and took them home on weekends for his mother to wash.The school cafeteria requires students to bring their own lunch boxes. He puts a plastic bag in the lunch box every time he eats, takes off the plastic bag and throws it away after eating, and does not wash the lunch box.It is such a person, but he has to wash his hair once a day, so that his hair has a rejoicing confidence.

What I remember is that once when I was eleven or twelve years old, he smashed the glass window of my neighbor, Aunt Zhang.Aunt Zhang is forty years old and lives with a Siamese cat and a golden retriever. We call Aunt Zhang an old maid.Soon she poked her head out from behind the broken glass window and yelled like a machine gun: "You son of a bitch, you dare to smash my mother's window!" She saw several children standing downstairs , paused and asked sharply, "Which did it?" The other children scattered in all directions, and Zeng Heng also dragged me to run, but stopped after thinking about it, pointed at me and said, "Aunt Zhang, It was Zhou Suorui who did it. I saw it." He said with confidence. "No...not." I opened my mouth to argue, but before I could say a complete sentence, Aunt Zhang had already left the window and rushed downstairs, grabbing my back collar. "Aunt Zhang, no, it's not me." I said timidly. "Stop playing tricks on me!" She leaned in front of me and yelled, her saliva almost sprayed on my face.Zeng Heng put his arms around my shoulders, winked and whispered in my ear, "Sorry, I'm sorry!" Then he ran away without a trace.I felt like an abandoned, helpless captive, crying, sobbing and unable to utter a word.Aunt Zhang dragged me to my father.Father took out a few banknotes and stuffed them into Aunt Zhang's hands, and she smiled happily.Later, I told my father that I didn't do it.He said he knew.But he didn't help me out, he just gave Aunt Zhang a few banknotes.When I think of this incident, I regret it, I hate Zeng Heng, I hate myself, and I hate my father.I think my cowardice is caused by my father.

It was only then that I realized that I was holding the ring, and I froze in place without finishing a sentence.Standing in front of her was Xiao Di with blushing cheeks. She smiled expectantly and waited for me to continue.Her smile is ten times brighter than the starry sky. It is mine... the light of my life, the fire of my desire, and at the same time my sin.I have always used the old Nabokov's words to describe Lolita to describe everything about Xiaodi.She's not Lolita, but she's my everything. "Uh, I mean..."Damn it, I've recited that line a hundred times in the last month and I've forgotten it all by now," I mean, since we've been together for three years...well, almost... Well, will you marry me?"

She pursed her lips and laughed.I couldn't read the meaning of her smile.She has always kept me elusive, often evaporating for a few days, and then reappearing as if nothing had happened.But I love her very much, and I hope she won't disappear for no reason after marrying me.I looked at her nervously. "You're so stupid," she said, and took the box to herself, took out the ring and put it on.She then threw the box containing the ring into the sea.Before I could be surprised, she wrapped her arms around my neck and tiptoed to kiss me.We hugged each other on the beach, and happiness hit me gently like waves lapping on the beach.

Now, it's all over, the game is over, it's gone.In fact, I never saw her again after that.We had been cuddling tenderly the night before in our oceanfront room with floor-to-ceiling windows, only to wake up the next day and she wasn't there.