Chapter 57 Will - Desire to aspire, first to give up

In the early days of the Republic of China, Chiang Kai-shek began to emerge politically, but he still did not take off the color of a "little gangster" in Shanghai. At that time, his diary was full of contradictions between absurd debauchery and self-blame and restraint.For example, at the beginning of October 1919, he made up his mind: "From now on, it is forbidden to enter Huajie as an act of prostitution. If it is possible, please try it!" "Form is emptiness, emptiness is form, and the world can wake up to it!" But on October 15, he wrote: " In the afternoon, I went out for a few trips, and it was very bad, and the bad habit was hard to change." In the next few months, the diary was full of self-blame, and there was no "bad record".But at the beginning of 1920, he was unable to control his desires. On January 15th and 18th, he recorded respectively: "In the evening, I went out to wander, and I don't know where my identity has fallen!" In the apartment, I lose my temper, create something out of nothing, and ask for trouble." Until the summer, the diary often read: "I like to wander around every day, how can I stop it?" "It's late, I'm wandering again, luckily!" This summer, when he met an old friend, he felt that others disdain him and felt that he was despised by others. In his diary on August 7, he said: The most obscene and shameful person is only lustful. How can I break through this barrier? In the vast sea of ​​dust, there is no one with a noble personality like me, so why should I be despised by everyone!" On the 9th, it was recorded: "I am a prostitute. Evil deeds are one’s own entry into the pit of fire, so why not burn to death!” There are still a large number of records of the battle between “reason” and “desire” in later diaries, but at this time there are basically only “evil thoughts” but no “evil deeds” .He wrote: "My good name is greedy, and I use a simple word to cure it." "Seeing my heart is moving, this kind of psychology is ugly. If you don't make up your mind at this time and suffocate all desires, how can you extricate yourself!" "Desire To establish a career, first establish a character; if you want to establish a career, you must first establish a will; if you want to establish a will, you must first abstain from desire." "If you are constantly wandering, how can you maintain your health? How can you serve the country?"...It can be said that he has achieved success in "abstinence from sex" .

Zhang Boling said many times the reason for his education: "I was in the Beiyang Naval School, and I saw that Lushun Dalian was taken away by Japan, and Qingdao was taken away by the Germans. When I went to Jigong Island, I saw two people, one was British. The other is a Chinese soldier. The British soldier is tall and well-dressed, but the Chinese soldier is quite different. He is wearing a gray and shabby military uniform with the word "Yong" on his chest. He has a haggard face and two shoulders. Qi towering. Compared with these two soldiers, there is a world of difference. I felt ashamed and sad at that time. I was greatly stimulated since then, and it is still reverberating in my mind. I was determined to reform us Chinese , but I don’t want to train the army or navy to deal with foreign countries. I think the way to reform the people is to provide education.”

Master Hongyi insisted on becoming a monk back then, but regretted it after he became a monk, because he found that Buddhism was not a pure land, so he wanted to return to the vulgar.Ma Yifu and other friends persuaded him: "I didn't approve of you becoming a monk at first, but now that you have taken this step, don't look back." Hongyi listened to the persuasion, gave up the idea of ​​returning to the secular world, and eventually became a generation of eminent monks. Xu Chuncao said to people: "I believe in Christianity. I don't believe in Christianity, and I don't believe in foreigners. I surrendered to Han and not Cao. I surrendered to Christ Jesus, not to compromise with those foreigners." No matter how big or small, Xu always takes the truth of Jesus as his guide, and all his activities run through a red thread of the cross.He likes to compare the character "草" in his name to his whole life.He said: "I bear three crosses every day, one is the cross of the country, one is the cross of the church, and the other is the cross of the family." Under the weight of these three crosses, he sometimes feels exhausted physically and mentally just like Jesus Christ walked on Calvary. Sometimes, like Elijah, he was discouraged and disappointed when he was hunted down by King Ahab, but he fell again and again and finally came to perfection.

Xu Zhimo and his first wife divorced and married Lu Xiaoman. Xu Zhimo was friendly and sent many letters to dissuade him. His teacher Liang Rengong also wrote a thousand-word letter to Xu, urging him to rein in the precipice so as not to be criticized by the world.The book said: "Woohoo, Zhimo! Is there a perfect universe in the world?" Xu Yi was determined, and he replied: "Woohoo, my teacher! I can only seek it in the vast sea of ​​people. I get it fortunately, but not my life. So earful!" Li Zongwu once served as a middle school principal and provincial supervisor in Sichuan. One year after a middle school student graduated, the provincial government sent Li as the test committee member. Li took the exam seriously, and the students hated him.One night, many students, holding wooden sticks and dumbbells, dragged Li Zongwu out, beat him severely, and cursed before leaving: "You bastard, do you still advocate strict examinations?" Li was lifted up and said loudly: "As long as If you can't be beaten to death, you still have to take the test." Afterwards, he went to class with his wounds wrapped up and continued the test.

In the early summer of 1930, Xian Xinghai was working in Paris.One evening, his boss graciously allowed him to leave work early, so Xian Xinghai went straight to the Paris Conservatoire on Avenue de Madrid.He often lingers at the gate of the music academy, listening to the stringed music and qin inside the courtyard wall.On this day, when Xian was wandering around the gate as usual, he suddenly saw a young Chinese man coming out of it. Xian Xinghai stepped forward desperately, regardless of whether the other party would listen or not, he made a self-statement.This person happened to be Ma Sicong, and Ma had heard of this "Nanguo xiao player" before him, but he did not expect Xian Xinghai to be so impoverished.Ma agrees to lead Xian Xinghai to meet his mentor Obedofel, and Xian Xinghai has since fulfilled his musical dream.