Chapter 17 Chapter Sixteen Can't Say Goodbye to You

Liu Qianren drove Li Li to the downstairs of the inpatient department of Changhai Hospital, and opened the car door to let her go down.He looked ahead and said calmly, "I won't go up." She looked at his side, got out of the car without saying a word, and ran into the inpatient building. Even in Li Li's dreams, Li Meiqing, who can eat, sleep, swear, and has a lot of momentum, will be sick, and she is in the late stage of rectal cancer.The elevator kept going up, but her heart seemed to be sinking into a very deep sea, where the sun could not be seen. Pushing open the door of the ward, there were two empty beds in the ward for three people.Hearing the sound of the door, Liu Zhixian at the bedside turned his head and made a silent gesture to Li Li.

She approached on tiptoe, watching the mother on the hospital bed.Li Meiqing slept deeply, and compared to the last time she went home to see her, her cheeks were obviously thinner.Li Li felt that her contact lenses were not put on properly, so she quickly raised her hand and rubbed her eye sockets.Looking again, Li Meiqing's face was still as pale as paper. She believed it, her mother was terminally ill and might abandon herself at any time.Immediately, my heart was at a loss, the relationship between the mother and daughter was not close, and the description of "the daughter is the mother's caring little padded jacket" could not be connected to Li Meiqing and Li Li anyway.They have never shared secrets between women, and of course they have never discussed how to deal with emotional problems.

At her grandmother's memorial service a few years ago, Li Li had bad associations.At this moment, she believed that it was God who punished herself.When she was about to lose it, she realized the truth that blood is thicker than water. Liu Zhixian patted Li Li, beckoning her to speak outside.They walked out of the ward, and he carefully closed the door behind his back. "Uncle, why did mother become like this?" Her throat seemed to be blocked by a hard lump, which made her choked and felt dizzy. "The cancer cells have metastasized to the intestines. The doctor said that after so many years, it's not easy." Liu Zhixian looked indifferent, with a bleak expression of more grief than death.

Li Li couldn't understand, what so many years, what transfer, she was at a loss. "Uncle, my mother had cancer before?" Liu Zhixian finally showed another expression—surprise, but he quickly returned to normal, shook his head and sighed: "You don't know, Meiqing suffered from cervical cancer and had her uterus removed." Li Li stared wide-eyed, looking at Liu Zhixian in disbelief.He didn't look at her, and said to himself: "She has been in pain for the past few days and can't sleep well. The doctor just gave me Demerol to sleep for a while." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to overcome the pain in her heart.For more than 20 years, Li Li has always complained about her mother's indifference, but never reflected on whether she was at fault.She passively waited for her mother to walk towards her, but she was unwilling to walk up if Li Meiqing couldn't come.

"Uncle, when did you know about it?" She had no memory of Li Meiqing being hospitalized, so she speculated that it was a long time ago. Liu Zhixian reached out his hand and took out the cigarette case from his pocket, as if he had just remembered that smoking was prohibited in the ward, he put it back again.Li Li's nose was sore, Liu Zhixian didn't smoke before, he must be in a bad mood these days, and he couldn't show it in front of Li Meiqing. "We met in the hospital." Liu Zhixian looked at the glass window at the end of the long corridor, the sunlight shone in, dancing brilliantly on the marble floor, "I have a hidden disease, Qian Ren's mother has other men outside." Li Li was stunned, her eyes wide open, never dreaming that the truth was the exact opposite of what Liu Qianren said.

"Uncle, why didn't you tell Qianren... brother?" Li Li squeezed out the word "brother" with great difficulty, and thought ironically that the experience Liu Qianren had imposed on him was simply absurd.Li Meiqing didn't feel sorry for him at all, let alone her. "Your mother is awake, go in. She has been talking about you for the past few days." Liu Zhixian kept an eye on the movement in the ward through the observation mirror on the door, and when he saw Li Meiqing turning over, he pushed the door nervously and entered.Li Li followed behind, not knowing how to face her seriously ill mother.

Li Meiqing, on the other hand, was the same as before, and she began to curse: "Damn girl, where did you go? I can't find it, I wonder if my family will be worried?" It's a pity that the usual momentum was gone, and her voice seemed weak. Tears welled up in Li Li's eyes, but Li Meiqing stopped her mouth and winked to imply that Liu Zhixian wanted to talk to her daughter alone.When her husband left, she raised her hand and patted the edge of the bed, telling Li Li to sit over. "When you were young, you wanted to know who your father was. I always scolded you. Do you blame me?" Li Meiqing frowned seeing her daughter sniffling, "You girl, you inherited the shortcomings of me and your father. No wonder it looks so ugly."

It's still the same, it hasn't changed!Li Li bit her lips and wanted to laugh, but when she thought that her mother would no longer be able to say that she was ugly, she couldn't help feeling sad. "Mom, can't you just say that I look much better than before?" Not wanting to add to Li Meiqing's sadness, she refuted it once in a while. Li Meiqing smiled, stretched out her hand to pat her leg, and said bitterly, "I haven't lost any weight, where can I see better?" She noticed her mother's swollen hand, and there was a drip left on the back of her hand. The eye of a needle is shocking.

"I don't want to know that man, I only want you alone in this life." Li Li's eyes were moist again, remembering that her deceased grandmother said that her biological father was a heartless man.She naturally equated Li Meiqing's illness with her heartless father. Li Meiqing sighed: "Your father just wants a son, and he would rather pay a fine to have one." He fell silent as he spoke, as if recalling the pain of the year, "I am happy. You have been striving since you were a child. With a daughter like you, Mom very happy." Li Li raised her hand to cover her mouth, tears wet the edge of her palm.She thought she had a grudge with her mother in the previous life, but they didn't know how to express it, and they wasted so many years.

"You are very similar to me. You are both stubborn. I have been mean to you for so many years. Mom just wants you to be smarter and dress yourself up better. If I can find a man who treats you well, I can go. Don't worry." Li Meiqing showed a look of pain, the effect of Dumerol passed, and the pain raged again in the weakened body. Li Li passed her hand over, "Mom, grab me if it hurts." She woke up her nose vigorously, "You can't leave yet, you haven't seen me find a good man, how can you leave me alone?" "Silly girl," Li Meiqing pointed to the drawer, "Give me the painkillers."

She had a premonition that she was about to lose her mother, and once again witnessed the grim and triumphant face of death.Li Li seemed to be abandoned in the wilderness and helpless, a name hovered in her mind, the man who promised to live longer than her. Pei Shangxuan walked into Huangpu Park and saw the figure on the flood embankment through the bushes.He stepped forward quickly, afraid that she would do something stupid.Hearing footsteps behind her, Li Li turned her head. "What can I do?" He had been thinking about this question all the way, and blurted out when he saw her.In the long years, Li Li has always supported him, and now it is his turn to lend a helping hand. Li Li's desolate voice made him sad, and she tremblingly said: "My mother, the cancer is terminal." His heart trembled at that moment, and he remembered what Li Li said on his shoulder six years ago - I don't want to See death and never again. This seemingly strong girl is actually very fragile.He hung up the phone, left the inventory to the clerk, and took a taxi to Huangpu Park. Forgot since when, she likes to go to Huangpu Park to see the scenery.Sitting on the flood control embankment and watching the river lapping on the bank and the river gulls racing, Li Li's mood will gradually turn from cloudy to sunny. She later told him that the habit started on her fourteenth birthday.That day, a boy celebrated her birthday on the Bund and asked her to be a brave girl. She doesn't have the courage anymore, she will come here to find the touch of the day. Li Li patted the empty seat beside her, motioning for him to sit up. "If it's not too hot, lend me your shoulder." June in Shanghai is very hot. Even though it is dusk, the residual heat remains unabated.Pei Shangxuan smiled and scolded her for being a fool, saying that after being friends for so many years, he was embarrassed to help so little. She rested her head on his shoulder, closed her eyes and said nothing.It's like trekking a long distance, walking a long, long way, but at the end, I found that I went in the wrong direction.She no longer has the strength to go back and walk again, all she can do is stand still and look around desolately. He was also silent. The comfort was just painkillers to relieve the pain, but it could not remove the root of the pain.The death of a loved one is one of the most painful experiences in life, and only time can slowly wash away the heavy sadness. "Pei Shangxuan, you must live a hundred years, longer than me." Li Li repeated the request in a low voice. Pei Shangxuan looked at the Oriental Pearl Tower, Jinmao Tower, and International Convention and Exhibition Center on the opposite side. Shanghai was changing with each passing day. "Okay." This is the second time he promised her. In 2005, Pei Shangxuan found the answer to why she must ask herself to outlive her.Because of love, I can't just watch that person die. Li Li stayed with her in the hospital for more than two weeks. At first, Li Meiqing could barely sit up and walked a few steps with the support of others.But her condition deteriorated dramatically, to the point where she had to be kept on life support.Pei Shangxuan came several times to help take care of Li Meiqing. Li Meiqing recognized him, her voice was very soft and thin, intermittent and incoherent, most of the content had to be figured out by the listener.Pei Shangxuan asked her if she wanted to say thank you, and sure enough Li Meiqing blinked. There was another sentence that he didn't hear, it was whispered by his mother when Li Li replaced Liu Zhixian at night. Li Meiqing said: "I am relieved to have him take care of you." On June 30, the doctor issued a critical illness notice.Li Li hid in the bathroom and wept bitterly, she sent a short message to Pei Shangxuan.He replied that he would come over to accompany her immediately. Li Meiqing was dying, and Li Guoqiang brought his wife and children to see her sister for the last time.They had quarreled over the house, and for a while they didn't even communicate with each other, but when they were about to die, the old grievances and grievances were not important anymore. Li Li didn't need to hide her red and swollen eyes anymore, the patient himself was the most sober in such a field.She held Li Meiqing's hand, bowed her head to her mother, her words choked with sobs: "Mom, we will be mother and daughter in the next life. Promise me, Mom." In the next life, we must be a pair of mother and daughter who are close. Li Meiqing was unable to speak, and nodded with difficulty.She opened her eyes wide and stared at Liu Zhixian. "Xiao Li, can you let your mother and I be alone for a while?" Liu Zhixian read the meaning in his wife's eyes and asked her. Li Li walked out of the ward and gently closed the door.The handsome man standing against the wall raised his head to look at her, his beautiful face was blank, as if the enemy he hated for many years had suddenly disappeared, and he couldn't find his way. His father hid the truth, and he was blinded by hatred for many years.Li Li thought about it, and decided not to tell the truth, since Liu Zhixian decided to hide Liu Qianren, there must be his reasons. "Liu Qianren, please forgive her." Li Li breathed a sigh of relief and said slowly: "I have already paid you back what she owed you." His body was visibly shaken, and under her gaze, he pushed open the door and entered.Li Li leaned against the wall, feeling that all the strength in her body was drained, God knows how much courage it took her to say these words to him. Liu Qianren quickly walked out of the ward, and he went straight to Li Li and stopped.She raised her head, ready to listen to his sarcastic words.She didn't have the strength to fight back at the moment, and it didn't matter what he said. He raised his hands and pressed her shoulders with both hands, making her stare at him intently with pitiful eyes. "I love you, Li Li." Liu Qianren hugged her tightly.Li Li moved his body and struggled, but he refused to let go.She was tired, physically and mentally exhausted, unable to resist this man she hated. Pei Shangxuan didn't come, he said "soon" until Li Meiqing passed away and was pushed into the mortuary, he never showed up. Li Li thought he broke the appointment, but what she didn't know was that he had been to the hospital, the moment Liu Qianren hugged her.He saw the scene of them hugging each other tightly, and turned around resolutely. Pei Shangxuan strode under the sun, the sun was so strong that he was sweating all over.He walked straight ahead, passing strangers. He couldn't tell where the irritability came from, but he just witnessed Li Li being hugged by another man, and it felt like a big hole had been dug in his heart, and the chilly wind passed through the hole. He knew that Li Li was a good girl, and seeing that there were no other men by her side for so many years, he naively thought that she belonged to him alone. Li Li will find a man who can give her happiness, and one day she will leave him.Before he loses this best friend, he needs to find someone to replace her. He realized a long time later that some people are unique and irreplaceable in your life. Li Li is the most important woman in Pei Shangxuan's life, and Pei Shangxuan is Li Li's favorite man in his life.They had already recognized each other, but they let go of each other by mistake. In 2003, Pei Shangxuan called Li Li and told her that he was getting married.Li Li was writing the English introduction of the company's product line. If she lost her mind and pressed the wrong button, the document was not saved, and her whole morning's work was completely in vain. "Shit." Hanging up the phone, Li Li cursed in a low voice. She found a new job, and Liu Qianren introduced Li Li to the marketing department of her company for an interview.She didn't want to accept his favor at first, she pretended to forget the phrase "I love you" in the hospital, and he didn't mention it anymore. Both Li Li and Liu Qianren live outside, the difference is that she is renting a house, while he bought a duplex house with three bedrooms and two living rooms.Her life was not as good as his, and she felt that she was at a disadvantage for no reason. After Li Meiqing passed away, Liu Zhixian, who was alone, often asked them to go home for dinner, and she and Liu Qianren inevitably saw each other often.Once he seemed to have no intention of mentioning that there was a vacancy in the marketing department of the company, Liu Zhixian encouraged Li Li to go for an interview. After Pei Shangxuan returned the money to her, she could still live on for a while with this savings, Li Li instinctively wanted to refuse, but Liu Zhixian's next words made her take back what was on her lips. "Xiaoli, I promise Meiqing will take care of you for her." Speaking of his dead wife, this gentle and gentle man suddenly choked up his sobs, and he continued after a while: "The economy is in recession, and your mother can feel relieved when you find a job." She lowered her head and sipped the soup silently, and said a soft "um" as a promise. Li Li and Liu Qianren became colleagues.Although they are not in the same department, as the sales director of East China, Li Li has to read the Profile, CaseStudy, and WhitePaper written for the company's product line for him.On the day when Pei Shangxuan called her, she had to hand over a new solution profile to Liu Qianren before noon. Before the handsome man appeared in the office area of ​​the marketing department, the girls on the same team as Li Li received a tip-off from Liu Qianren's assistant, and all of them took out their makeup mirrors to tidy up their appearances. Only Li Li sat blankly until that handsome face appeared in front of her. Suddenly zoomed in. Startled, she leaned back to avoid Liu Qianren's approach.He straightened up, crossed his arms and sarcastically said: "Lilian, the company doesn't pay you to make you daze." Then he asked, "Where is the Profile I want?" "I haven't finished writing yet, I..." "I don't want an excuse." Liu Qianren interrupted her defense sharply, with sharp eyes, "One o'clock in the afternoon, this is Deadline." After speaking, he strode away without looking sideways. When he left, the girls who had been frightened by his fierce aura just now patted their hearts with lingering fear, dragged the swivel chair and gathered beside Li Li, asking her why Lawrence was so angry today. "How do I know? This man has eaten gunpowder and is crazy." She is the only one who dares to despise the golden bachelor who is so contemptuous of unmarried women in the company. Li Li hit the keyboard hard, as if venting all her depression on the innocent keyboard.She didn't eat lunch, and threw the printed documents on Liu Qianren's desk at one o'clock. He got up gracefully from the leather chair, staring at Li Li with his deep eyes.The dizziness that she hadn't experienced in a long time surged up, just like that early morning many years ago, when she was at a loss and sweated on her forehead. "If there is anything that needs to be edited, you email me. I'm going out to eat." Just as he was about to leave, his wrist was grabbed by him.Liu Qianren pulled her into his arms and wrapped his arms around her waist. "That man is going to get married, and you still refuse to give up?" Li Li's expression changed after Yun Danfeng's words. "The phone was disconnected, I just heard it." Without waiting for her to ask, he gave the answer first. Li Li broke free from him and retreated to a safe place. "Your behavior just now qualifies as sexual harassment in the office." Her face was expressionless and her eyes were indifferent. "Whether you want to die or not, this is my own business and has nothing to do with you." Liu Qianren sneered disapprovingly, she couldn't tell whether he was making fun of her or laughing at himself. "You're a fool," he concluded, very resignedly. Li Li is indeed stupid.In April, Pei Shangxuan was in Beijing to discuss business, and she feared every day that he would be infected with SARS.When he came back to her intact, he touched her hair with a smile and said, "I promised to live longer than you", her love for him was like the palm cut by a blade that day, and it was unforgettable. The wound had opened, and Li Li had to go to the hospital for stitches, leaving tangled scars.This is the proof that she loves him forever. On October 3rd, Pei Shangxuan held a wedding reception at the Westin Hotel.Li Li and the bride and groom stood together for a photo, she looked at his radiant face, smiled and said "Congratulations", and gave a red envelope. In the past few years after graduating from university, Li Li participated in several wedding banquets.Li Jun and Cao Xuemei both vowed to be celibate at the beginning, but stepped into the siege of marriage one after another, and she made fun of them a lot. She is still in her boudoir, going from home to work to home every day, living a two-point and one-line life.Li Li's lifelong event was put on the agenda by Liu Zhixian, asking relatives and friends to look out for suitable unmarried men everywhere. Li Lilu had kissed several times one after another, but she couldn't find the feeling.She and Cao Xuemei met at the wedding banquet of another college roommate, and they talked about their troubles. "Dating is eating and watching movies. It's very formulaic. You can say the same sentence three times, and it doesn't make any sense." Li Li spread his hands helplessly, indicating that it's not because he is too demanding that he can't get married. "If this person can make me miss him when I can't see him, I think it's him." Cao Xuemei grinned happily, and said sharply: "That's because there is already such a person, so you don't have time to miss others." Everyone can see that she likes Pei Shangxuan, but only the person concerned believes that she is a good friend and forces her to believe together.She is also a fool, willing to accompany him and say "Auld Lang Syne". Pei Shangxuan finally got married, and the bride was not her.Like an American movie, he doesn't love you, so you can only bless him and her. When the wedding march sounded, Li Li turned the cracker in his hand. With a sound of "pong", colorful confetti rushed out and flew all over the sky. A handsome man in a white dress passed by Li Li, he looked at her, and smiled slightly. They were chatting at a bar a few days ago and she asked him, "Have you ever thought that I like you?" Pei Shangxuan replied: "You are always a rational person." In Pei Shangxuan's heart, Li Li is more important than all the women he has dated with.He doesn't know if he can love someone for a lifetime, but a friend can be a lifetime. He stubbornly believes that the friendship between them is pure and will not change. He walked past her, as if separating the past and present. She promised herself: this time is a real farewell. In the 2004 European Cup, the German team failed to qualify for the group stage.It was already dawn outside the bar, Pei Shangxuan hugged Li Li and asked, "Do you like me?" This question was asked at the wrong time.Pei Shangxuan is married, and she is dating the man Liu Zhixian introduced to her on a blind date. Li Li smiled sadly, with desolate tenderness in his eyes.She shook her head with a normal voice: "Please, why should I like idiots?" He pulled a smile on his face and laughed at himself: "That's right, I'm such a man who has accomplished nothing, it's no wonder you like me." His chin rested on her shoulder, and his whispered tone was like a dream: "Li Li, you must find someone who loves you very much." You, a man who treats you well can marry him." What if I don't love him?Li Li secretly thought about this, and agreed softly: "Okay. I will keep my eyes open and choose carefully." Pei Shangxuan smiled again: "Woman, don't be picky when you're old." She was sure he was drunk and talking gibberish.Li Li sent him home, and after ringing the doorbell for a long time, no one came to answer the door. Only then did he believe that the quarrel between husband and wife was not a random joke. Taking out the keys from Pei Shangxuan's trouser pocket, the man leaning on her shoulder was already asleep, so she had to try the keys one by one.After finally entering the door and moving the tall and burly Pei Shangxuan to the bed, Li Li was so tired that he sat aside and panted. You are dead!Li Li turned her head to stare at him, this guy looked relaxed.The more she thought about it, the more dissatisfied she became, she took off her shoes and went to bed, knelt beside him and poked that handsome face with her fingers. Pei Shangxuan, who was unbearably harassed in his sleep, raised his hand to grab the culprit out of instinct, and pulled her down on the bed.He opened his eyes slightly, vaguely aware that "the other party is a woman", so he pressed on him. "Pei, Pei Shangxuan, you..." Li Li was at a loss, her arm was unfortunately pressed under her body when she fell down, this posture was not only awkward but also caused another troublesome thing - she couldn't push him away. "It's so noisy." He frowned and muttered, lowered his head to find her lips, and kissed her without any explanation. This is a scene that only existed in her dreams, and she did not expect it to happen in reality.Li Li's arm pulled out from under his body, but instead of pushing it away, it hooked his slender neck. She has loved him for fourteen years, stealing a kiss is not too much, right?Li Li comforts herself and relieves her guilt. Obviously Pei Shangxuan was not satisfied with this kiss, and his hands moved restlessly to the zipper of his jeans.Li Li held him down, and asked expectantly, "Who am I?" His eyes were clear and energetic at this moment, he grabbed her hand and kissed the scar on the palm, and clearly said two words: "Li Li." She no longer stopped his movements, and opened her body to the man she had loved for a long time.Pei Shangxuan's identity is a married man, this is an affair that was cast aside by others, but she does not regret it. Can't ask for forever, at least let her have him once. For today, she let reason out of her mind. Before Pei Shangxuan wakes up, Li Li erases all traces of love and lies on the sofa in the living room to doze off.Her body remembered his smell and truly washed away the imprint left by Liu Qianren. Pei Shangxuan was in a daze on the bed for a long time, he seemed to remember that he hugged a woman, but there was no sign on the bed that he had sex with anyone.He walked out of the bedroom and saw Li Li sleeping soundly on the sofa. He couldn't restrain his heart trembling, that woman, could it be her? Li Li turned over, and fell off the sofa with a burst of winter.She stood up rubbing her head and saw him standing at the door of the bathroom. "Stupid, are you sober?" She yawned to embarrass him, "You can't drink so much, what are you pretending to be?" Pei Shangxuan ignored her ridicule, stared straight at her and asked, "Are we in bed?" "Crazy!" Li Li rushed over angrily and punched him, "Why do you blame me for your erotic dreams? I want to find a good man to marry, so don't ruin my reputation." He believed it, and shy away into the bathroom to take a shower.The door closed, shutting out her sad smile. It is enough for Li Li to recall this time.