Chapter 44 third quarter
In the initial stage after marriage, Qiniang is faced with the first complicated contradiction that cannot be resolved by her ability.This is the contradiction that exists between her father and her husband.It was a complication she hadn't encountered in her simple life before marriage.
Qiniang didn't understand the important military affairs that men were so concerned about, but with the sensitivity of a girl, she felt that something troublesome and conflicted had happened between them.Later, she found out where the focus of the contradiction was. With her own simple reasoning, she summarized the contradiction into such a formula:
Her father strongly opposed this war, and the main members of the family she joined as wife and daughter-in-law not only agreed, but all wanted to participate in this war.
Her father strongly hated Tong Guan's dignitaries who caused this war, and her father-in-law and her husband were both sent by Tong Guan, and her husband had to be Tong Guan's direct subordinate to follow him to the front.
As a child, she could not recall any disagreements between the two families, but this time the conflict was so stark.Dad's illness is the manifestation of this contradiction at its peak.During that illness, she felt that they were on completely opposite sides. Her father-in-law, husband, and even brother Liu Qi were all on one side, and her father's friends in Tokyo were also on their side. She deduced it from the gloomy expression on his father's face every time a visitor came home; and his father stood alone on the other side, with no one to support him, and even his daughter, herself, stood on the opposite side of him. , secretly opposed him.She was not against his claims, but against his stubbornness, so when he caused illness, she felt deep regret.
She found the point of conflict, but had no strength to resolve it.Not only was she unable to take any action or persuade any aspect to unify it, which was far beyond her ability, but she also didn't know what to do.Girls generally judge right and wrong according to the depth of love and trust, and choose their path.She loves her father and the simple life before marriage, there is no doubt about it, but she also loves this family that has formed new relationships because of past friendships, especially because of her current marriage, and trusts each member of it, This is beyond doubt.These two families are an integral part of her life, and she cannot have a preference for them, so she cannot make judgments and choices about right and wrong.An unfortunate contradiction arose between them, which caused her great distress.Before her father's sick bed, besides serving soup and medicine, taking care of food and daily life, besides being tortured by him, her thoughts kept going in circles in this dead end.
"Father has liked him since he was a child and regarded him as his own child." She thought, "How many times have I said that he must be a promising boy when he grows up. He is a decent soldier (a decent soldier) , is the highest standard for father to judge characters). On the eve of the wedding, father also said to her personally, 'Go well! That is a good family, and will treat you like your father.' They are indeed so close, So how could there be a disagreement between them? How could he do something to displease Pa? No! It's impossible. Alas! If they have fallen out with Tong Guan, then there will be no quarrel between them, and they will not be responsible for Dad's illness at all. But they are indeed opposed and opposed to each other."
She clearly recalled what happened in that small station and her father's face at that time, and this gloomy expression never left his face since then.She unmistakably took that incident as a clear proof of their true opposition.
"But why did Dad like him so much and said this on the eve of marriage? Dad has never expressed any dissatisfaction with him in front of anyone, even in front of her. According to Dad's temper, he will not let his anger hide."
Since there is no dissatisfaction with him, why did the two sides have differences again?She made a circle in a dead end, and still returned to the original starting point, without solving her own ideological problems at all.The most depressing thing is that she can't ask her father and husband this question, which is obvious.She can't ask her mother-in-law and Mrs. Liu Qi, because they are also related to the person involved.Her independent character makes her prefer to gnaw on this unbreakable bone alone. She gnaws, gnaws, no matter what it tastes like, even if she breaks her teeth, she will gnaw on it.
During this terrible long night, my father, who is constantly coughing, sometimes has some asthma, and occasionally coughs up blood, is usually sleepless all night.She's usually the same way herself.Only in the early hours of the morning, in the moment of darkness before dawn, did she feel so drowsy that she hoped to let her sleep for a while.Sometimes she really fell asleep unsteadily for a while, and when she woke up, it was already daylight.Dad was amazed that whenever he needed her, he only needed to make a slight sound, and sometimes there was not even a slight sound. Just as his mind turned to the idea of calling her, she had already left the bed soberly and quickly went to do his job. Need her help to do things.The pain and anxiety were like a handful of gravel stuffed in the pillow and under the mattress, how could she sleep?One day, father suddenly figured it out and felt sorry for his daughter.Father sometimes goes back to the past twenty or thirty years ago, and feels sorry for his wife who lost his life because of giving birth to this daughter, so he loves her infinitely.But how could he understand that even his love could not relieve the pain that had been deeply rooted in her heart.In those days, she would rather hope for something to do, and would rather spend hours squatting next to the stove fanning the stove, decocting medicine, sometimes getting carried away, decocting the medicine dry, and having to add water to decoct again.She would rather hide in the kitchen and cook for him.Deliberately complicate simple tasks.When she was most distressed, she even hoped that his temper would be worse, and he would torture her again, so that she would have an excuse to complain about him so as to relieve and numb her inner pain.
People who saw her—even people who met her every day—were amazed at how thin she was.The circles of her eyes were dilated and darkened, and there was a strange light in them that was obviously not permanent.It's like having a high fever.A spring shirt that was tailored just before the wedding, quickly looked too loose when worn, as if it was hanging on the body.She operated non-stop, of course, for actual needs, and on the one hand, she also hoped to find a safe haven for herself during labor to avoid the whirlwind emanating from her body.She avoided all human contact, sometimes huddling in a small corner for days at a time.Nothing escaped Mrs. Liu Kai's sharp eyes.Mrs. Liu Qi also believes that overwork is the cause of these physical and mental abnormalities like everyone else, and she must rest so that she can take over her duties of serving the patients.She gently refused, the pain is not only an obligation that must be borne by herself, but also a right that does not allow others to share.Her words were very gentle, but her expression was very firm, which made Mrs. Liu Kai unconsciously succumb to her willpower again.
Other girls will also encounter parents who are violently ill for some reason. All of them will encounter differences of one kind or another between relatives that cannot be avoided in social life, and some people will also encounter Greater and more unexpected accidents; unrestrained weeping, choking and suffocation worse than weeping, have been heard beside a dead relative; displacement, turmoil, devastation, and devastation have been seen as a result of a war. catastrophic destruction.Natural and man-made, sudden and chronic disasters always appear alternately in the sphere of life, but each person deals with these pains in different ways, and has different feelings and reactions to pain.Erniang didn't understand, and couldn't understand, that it was her weak comprehension, too rich inner activities and strong willpower combined to form her inextricable distress.These special conditions she has made her psychological and physical structure into a mill for making tragedies.In this "mill", there is an old cow who never knows how to get tired. It revolves around the mill day and night. Squeeze out the bitter juice of life.
The fate that Erniang encounters now and in the future is the common fate encountered by the vast majority of women during the Xuanhe, Jingkang, Jianyan, and Shaoxing years in that particular period. to a common destiny.
But in the days leading up to her husband's departure, her initial conflicts and distress were resolved, and her first crisis was overcome.
There are a series of facts that show beyond doubt that the conflict that existed between her father and husband is now neutralized by a greater unity.She clearly judged that her husband's dislike for Tong Guan, Cai You and others was no less than her father's, and it was a last resort for her husband to work under their hands.He treated these new bosses very differently than he had treated his old bosses in the Western Army.This is what she felt from their "bedside talk" when they talked about Gongxiang and Jiuzisheren in such a contemptuous tone.After she read the letter from her father-in-law and knew that the villains under Tong Guan who were against her father-in-law were also the group of people her father hated, this feeling became more obvious.
Their hatred turned out to be the same.
At the same time, she also clearly saw that her father's concern for this war and his eagerness to win it were no less than that of her husband.This is because my father kept calling Liu Kai and her husband, asking them about this and that, and noticing every detail that may affect the outcome of the war, especially when my father comforted Liu Kai once said that he also I feel it when I want to go to the front line.If there is no this disease, my father will definitely go to the front line to fight like her husband and father-in-law.And tonight's father's repeated exhortations, expectations, and encouragements to her husband are the most obvious evidence that he agrees with the war and loves his son-in-law.
This contradiction that she couldn't solve and had to solve was finally solved naturally with the development of the situation.Tong Guan must be hated, he is the chief culprit in corrupting the country's plans and disturbing her private life.The war must be fought and must be won.With the participation of the husband, this war must be a victorious war, there is no doubt about it.Now that they have common aversions and common desires, they achieve the necessary unity.That was enough, and how welcome it was that their differences were over, and that the rift in her own heart was healed with it!
Until now she had not thought of the horror of the impending parting.It was the veil of contradictions and troubles that covered it up, and she had no time to think about it, or when she thought about it occasionally, she only thought that her husband's military service was inevitable and inevitable, and she didn't go any deeper. Think about it.Now, with the resolution of the initial contradiction, this latent pain suddenly poured into her heart like a torrent that broke the bank.Although the days of cold talk with him could not fully satisfy her love needs, it was unthinkable to leave him.She knew that after leaving him, every cold moment with him now would become her cherished memory.
When she took her work and left her father, she was only thinking about the rapidly dwindling time when she could still spend time with him. Even with father's permission, it was only a handful and very limited.
When they returned to their home, the mother-in-law, who had already returned from the farewell banquet of Liu Kai and his wife, was in the room folding the burden, laying the bedding, and packing the luggage for the son who was going to war.In the family she was an unobtrusive but very important figure in practical matters.Since she was a daughter-in-law herself, she has been doing this business for them, and now she has accumulated more than 30 years of experience.She is the general logistics department of the three generations of Ma Jiazu and grandson soldiers.So she was as familiar with her business in the family as they were in the field of battle.Rarely will things go wrong again.
If you want to use a ready-made word to sum up everything about her, she is a "natural person".A person's "true color" should be light gray like her, a cool color, not dazzling, not exciting, not prominent, but with its own personality.No matter how busy the situation is, she always holds her position firmly. When people see her calm and composed appearance, they will have a sense of calm and balance.Erniang obviously couldn't calm herself down. In logistics work, she was still a new recruit on the battlefield, so she couldn't be her mother-in-law's assistant. This was because her father doted on her and didn't let her interfere in his military work. as a result of.The mother-in-law has been disrupting the planned actions of the mother-in-law. Either she put things in the wrong place and had to untie the already packed bundles and pack them again, or the bundles were too big, and the wolf wolfed down. Not easy to carry around.When she made such and such mistakes, the mother-in-law would comfort her daughter-in-law with a calm smile.She remembered that when she first became a daughter-in-law, when she was packing up for her strict father-in-law and husband for the first time, she was flustered and made mistakes that a daughter-in-law is now making, which a daughter of a military family should not have made.
The mother-in-law suddenly remembered the words that her father had just passed by her ears, she raised her head thoughtfully, looked at the face of her mother-in-law with gray hair floating desolately on her temples, and tried her best to get out of her serious, yet It is the gentle face that explores the mood of this mother who has lost two sons on the battlefield and is now sending her third son to the battlefield.But she found nothing.A cool gray shade covered everything about her, and her heart was as calm as her face.In her life, she has had the experience of sending people out dozens of times. She has long been used to thinking about the reality in front of her, and not thinking about the sad past and unknown future.If she can teach her daughter-in-law a valuable lesson, it is to make her also develop this habit.
Taking advantage of the spare time between his mother and his wife packing their burdens, Ma Kuo went out to check the livestock, which was the imperial gift "Jade Suanni" given to him by Liu Kai.It has been on the battlefield and has combat experience. It is very suitable for Liu Kai to give his brother a ride.But even that animal was well taken care of by my mother.He went out again and had a friendly chat with his companions. They would also go out with him tomorrow. With the help of their mother, they packed up their luggage and set off at dawn.They advised him to go back to his room early to rest.
There was nothing worth worrying about outside, so he went back to the room and listened to his mother's instructions to put what things in which bag, so as not to make it hard to find for temporary use.
He was deeply grateful for the meticulous and thoughtful preparations they had made for him.His mother prepared for him practical needs, while his wife's preparations were tinged with emotion.When he sewed the gown into which her tortured heart had been sewed together, and stuffed it into the bundle himself, it was as if he had touched the painful process that this heart had experienced before, and it had just been sewed. Well, he felt it was hot.Although he didn't speak much, and although he was not eager to express himself on many occasions, in this gentle movement and expression, Li Niang clearly obtained the real evidence that he understood her, thanked her, and loved her.He was indeed like this, he had always been like this, and it was impossible for him not to be like what she hoped and imagined.
They checked their luggage for the last time.
"The pair of chain suits in the red sheepskin suitcase were given to you by your father-in-law." My mother said, "I'm so skillful, I made them according to your height and body, and changed them at the elbows and knees." Put on new skins and pack them neatly. My son, you left your own armor there and didn't bring it with you. Once you go to the battlefield, you rely on it to protect your body. You must protect yourself at all times!"
Ma Kuo thanked his mother and wife, and then started a family plan with them.
"Mother! After the child goes out this time, the burden of the family will be placed on your old man and daughter-in-law. That's not light!"
"Son, don't worry, you are virtuous, we will take care of it well."
"My daughter-in-law is young and has to take care of Mount Tai, so my mother has to live in Tokyo for a while before going back to Baozhou!"
"How can I just leave my in-laws? My mother will accompany you here to take care of you Taishan." She paused and said, "Besides, there is a lady from the Liu family here to take care of you. Firewood, rice, oil, and salt are all available. Worry, stay for as long as you want, what else is there to worry about?"
"My child just asked my sister-in-law to take care of your mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and patients!"
"Sister has thought of everything," the husband's words were obvious, and the mother pursed her lips slightly and said, "I said it last night, and I said it twice today, I want you to rest assured, and I still wait for you to ask her? "
"Ms. Liu said that the other day," Mother Ma said with the sincerity of a young man who thought her words were childish, but also sincere.This makes her have a warm undertone under the gray cold tone, "She can't do without her son, and her mother can't do without her father, why do we have three families named Zhao, Ma and Liu?" It’s good to live together.”
"The future is uncertain." Ma Kuo said with a smile, "It's just that my son is going here, and I'm afraid I won't be able to return until a year or so ago. In case the front line is in trouble, Baozhou is close at hand, and it's not a land of peace and happiness. It's funny. That fellow Tong Guan only wanted to save his time, so he said that he didn't even need to bring winter clothes. He planned to go to the North Road for three or two months and return with success. How could there be such an easy thing in the world?.
"When the son comes back, your father will come back too," the mother suddenly sighed, "Pity him for running around all these years, so why don't he stay at home for half a month and ten days!"
"As soon as the boy went to the front line, he went to look for my father. What does mother have for the boy to bring to my father?"
"Last time when he sent a letter, he sent two packages with him. This time you saw him empty-handed." She thought for a while and said, "Forget it! Your father and son have the same foot size, see Daddy is right, it would be better if you leave him two pairs of the eight pairs of hemp shoes that mother made."
"Leave the baby to father."
"And when you meet your father, you must send him a message, just say what your mother said, our bride is very virtuous!"
Ma Kuo turned around and smiled at Er Niang, making her bow her head in embarrassment.
It was already very late at night, and Mother Ma told her daughters-in-law to go to bed early, and went back to her room herself.
A stream of clear tears had been stored in Qiniang's eyes for a long time, and it only needed a gentle word or a thoughtful gesture to knock it down.After the mother-in-law returned to the room, Ma Kuo gave her a slight push, indicating that she should also go to bed early.She couldn't hold it back any longer, tears flowed down rapidly and continuously, and then, like a little girl, she lay her whole body on a white wooden table and cried out involuntarily.
He pushed her, and she cried more and more.
"Little foal, what's the matter with you?" he whispered to her, "do you remember the day I first went out, what happened to you? You were such a little girl back then , crying, crying, twisting and twisting that braid until it became loose. He kept saying that I would never come back once I left. It won’t be three months before I come back properly. , and brought you two white arrow feathers? As soon as you heard that I came home, you ran out of the gate to meet me without dropping the chopsticks. Later, the white arrow feathers were attached to the chopsticks. Come and give it back to me. Do you remember all these?"
Seeing that she hadn't stopped crying, he said in a louder, forceful, but still gentle voice, "Don't cry, don't cry, little foal, I'll be back soon. That day you I didn’t hear from brother Liu Kai that the officials said that they would appoint me to welcome and send off the Jinshi. I’m sure I’ll come back to the capital with the Jinshi in two months or so.”
It was the first time since he got married that he called her by her nickname like this.This kind title, even the warm memories that came with it from the companions at the same time, recalled and connected the past ten years ago.All the distance disappeared in this call.Since leaving Weizhou, she has been waiting, expecting, and looking for this memory that was lost by him, and sometimes even by herself.She waited and found it hard!What she wants is not inspired by her, but the old collection he dug out from the bottom of his heart.She finally got it again and reconnected the broken thread.But it came so late, and he was taking it away so soon.
She tried to answer his words, but her tenderness was like spring waves in the river bed, overflowing to the river bank, and it was impossible for her to speak.She raised her head and parted her lips slightly, wanting to say something, a new sob--the sob of happiness combined with the piercing pain of looking back at it after gaining happiness, before it Before it can be translated into concrete language, it is washed away.
"Little Ju'er, what did your father tell you? He wants you to be a strong daughter. You are crying all the time now. What kind of daughter's family is it? You are not allowed to cry anymore, you laugh, Laugh like I do!"
She twitched her whole body and sobbed with even greater heaves.But she was finally able to look up, look him squarely in the face, and say "um" to say that she was willing to do whatever he wanted her to do.This representation is weak.She added an "ummm..." a second time to reinforce it.Then she quickly blew out the candle, trying to use darkness to cover the part that she subjectively wanted to do but hadn't done yet.But the husband still saw and felt the sparkling tears embedded in her sincere smile.They seemed to replace candlelight, illuminating the hearts of the two.
The full half-moon on the ninth night of the ninth day hangs on the branches of the sycamore tree outside the courtyard like a slightly pulled jade bow.A group of small birds, disturbed by the bright moonlight, perched on this tree for a while, and flew to another tree for a while, chirping and chattering, and there was no stability.
The night is also like a bird covered with black cloth, it jumps restlessly under the stuffy black cloth, trying to flap its wings and fly high.
Suddenly, a shrill horn sound cut through the trembling black cloth, as if a fire was burning in the sky.After a while, I heard the sound of people nearby pulling up well water with a pulley to wash Zhengren's face and make breakfast.Soon the first footsteps and hoofbeats, summoned by trumpets, sounded in the further streets, groups of soldiers, junior officers, and The family members and friends who saw them off.
This is the time to get up.
Qiniang didn't close her eyes all night, but she hoped that her husband would rest for a while and try not to disturb him.She suddenly found that he was also staring at her with a pair of clear eyes, and he also did not close his eyes, not wanting to disturb her.
The mother-in-law who had already got up prepared everything, woke up the sleepy companions, and everyone had breakfast.Dawn is here!He and his companions fastened the luggage together, and he pulled out the jade 狻猊 to step on it.Yu Suanni hadn't adapted to her new master yet, she trembled nervously and kicked her hooves to prevent him from stepping on it, which made him sweat all over.This little accident made them lose their last chance to say goodbye.He got on his horse, turned his head, and wanted to say something to them. At this time, his companions were already far ahead. He couldn't think of what to say for a while, so he waved to his mother and wife and said "Treasure", Let go of the rein and catch up to the front.
It seems that Qiniang also has something to say.
She saw that when Yu Suanni was whirling, she stepped on the dusty street, making scattered and overlapping horseshoe prints one after another.
"All the horseshoe prints in the world are semicircular, as if they were carved from a printing plate," she thought. But follow him all the way to the Great Teaching Ground, to the front lines, to the ends of the earth, and then he will never be lost again."
But this is a word that cannot be said.She clung to the moment when he turned his back for the last time, and without speaking or crying, but with a sad smile, she sent him far beyond the reach of her vision.
She supported her mother-in-law, maybe she didn't realize that it was her mother-in-law who helped her turn back home, feeling that the world disappeared with him.
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