It is said that if a woman wants to be happy, she should fall in love with the one she loves and marry the one who loves her.Heh, if life is like an equation that must be solved, happiness will be such a simple thing. But I know that sad endings often come from a seemingly correct beginning. Just ask, which woman does not desire happiness?How many people really dare to call themselves happy? I am also a woman. Like most women, I got married at twenty-six.My husband's name is Jing Xueping, and he is my college classmate.Three years later, when I was twenty-nine, our son was born.Seven years later, I divorced Jing Xueping and became a single mother, raising my son Jing Xiaoxuan alone.That year, I was thirty-six years old.

Jing Xueping and I had quite an unpleasant quarrel during the divorce.So after breaking up, we cut off all contact between us.Jing Xueping has never paid child support to Xiaoxuan. To me, he no longer exists.Without Jing Xueping, Xiaoxuan and I depended on each other, living a lonely and peaceful life. Until more than a year ago, that severe winter night. The cold wind howled outside, and there was a continuous muffled sound from the window edge.It was like an invisible giant bird was flapping its wings desperately, calling: Let me in, let me in. On the small bed in the children's room, Xiaoxuan had already fallen asleep.I curled up on the sofa in my bedroom, drinking a glass of red wine before bed.Original imported wine from California Naba Winery.I order it by the case from a private wine bar I know, with fresh French cheese, and consume a bottle every three days.This was unimaginable before the divorce, but now it has become one of the habits of life.

Can't sleep without a drink.A small enjoyment for a single woman, it's better to spend the night with drugs to help her sleep.Then again, I never had insomnia before my divorce. One year after my divorce, enthusiastic people began to recruit for me.As a single mother in her late forties, I didn't have much expectation for my new life.A man may bring some convenience to life, but more troubles follow.After weighing the pros and cons, I politely declined all offers. Bringing up my son safely is the most practical life goal I have seen so far. The TV was on, but I turned it to silent.The pictures are flickering and the colors are gaudy. The pink cheeks and exaggerated expressions of young men and women in soap operas reveal the emptiness of people's hearts everywhere.

What can be acted out is always only a comic-like life.Not even tears. Just like me at this time, my whole body is light and light.A heart is lost. I'm slightly drunk. The wailing of the bird came to my ears from the window—let me in, let me in! I woke up with a start.The phone flashed on the coffee table—an unknown number. "Hello?" I picked it up. "Is it... Ms. Zhu Ran?" "It's me." I was surprised.The voice of a young female who had never met before was urgent and nervous.I can even hear the teeth chattering.She is shaking. "I'm Zhu Ran," I said again, "Who are you? Do you need anything from me?"

"You...well...Jing Xueping...you, are you Jing Xueping's wife?" I can't help frowning. "Jing Xueping?" "Yes...it's Jing..." She trembled even more, unable to speak continuously. Stomach churning.A name I haven't heard for a long time has such a strong effect on me. "I'm sorry, you made a mistake, I don't know Jing Xueping. Goodbye——" I need to hang up. "Wait!" she cried, and said hurriedly, "I know, I know you are Jing Xueping's ex-wife. Please don't get me wrong, I am a nurse in the hospice care here. Jing Xueping is dying, and he wants to see you .”

"what?" "Jing Xueping is critically ill, and he can't survive these two days at most. His dying wish is to see you, and I'll just convey it." I was at a loss for words for a while, as if a whole nest of bees were dancing in my mind. "Ms. Zhu?" I gathered myself together, and tried my best to say in an indifferent tone: "Thank you for your kindness, but I really have nothing to do with Jing Xueping, and I don't want to see him, I'm sorry." "Zhu—" I hang up. I poured myself a glass of wine, my hands trembling so much that I spilled a lot outside.I drank the wine down.

The phone was still flashing desperately, and I stared at it. Then, like a ghost, I reached out to it again—— pass.This time, the other end was silent.The phone seemed to go into an empty room. It's empty. Ah no, but I can hear it, I can feel it, and there's clearly something there. Is it breathing?Is it a heartbeat?Is it hatred, regret, or the gathering of all human grievances?The end of all attachments? Or, is that death itself? I screamed and threw my phone heavily on the ground.The back plate cracked and the battery flew a long way. No more calls came in. The night that followed became infinitely longer.Time crawls forward like a heavy load, and every second is exhausting.The next day I went to work and was completely out of shape.Finally in the afternoon, I received a call from my girlfriend Shen Xiuwen.

She hesitated: "Zhu Ran, there is bad news." "bad news?" "Jing Xueping is dead." I'm a little numb.Insufficient sleep damages the brain and significantly reduces comprehension. "Zhu Ran?" "Oh, he's dead..." I said dryly, "how do you know?" "It was his mother who wanted to inform Xiaoxuan to attend the memorial service. I couldn't find you, and found me by beating around the bush." "You agreed?" "How could it be? I just said that you are abroad, and I can't get in touch." Shen Xiuwen hesitated, "Zhu Ran, are you sure you won't go to the memorial service? Should Xiaoxuan..."

"Xiaoxuan doesn't need to know this." "Okay, up to you." She sighed. I asked, "Did she tell you when Jing Xueping died?" "Three days ago, it was said that he had been in the hospital for half a year. Seeing that there was no hope, his mother took him back to his hometown in the countryside. Only a few days after returning, he was gone. At that time, only his mother was alone." Shen Xiuwen was still babbling, but I didn't hear anything. Jing Xueping died three days ago.So what happened to the call last night? Is it hallucination?Or nightmare?But as far as I can remember, it definitely happened.

All kinds of emotions are crowded in my heart, gradually turning into a cloud of fear.It seemed that they were walking at night, when suddenly a flash of lightning illuminated a dark cave a few steps away.I didn't dare to go up to look at it, for fear that the bottom would reach out and drag me in.And if you can't avoid it, it lies ahead, blocking the way. I still went to Jingkoping's memorial service. The most inconspicuous small hall in the funeral parlor, the location is off.It took a lot of trouble to find it.There are few people coming, and they are not satisfied with the cramped space.In order to avoid being discovered, I can only stand far away under the outdoor railing.The distance is too far, and the photos on the wall are like black spots on a white cloth.There was no chance to step forward and take a look at Jing Xueping's remains.

For example, a long story cannot draw the last full stop. The pyrotechnic gas of burning paper, along with the cold wind, rushed to the face from time to time.It was hard to breathe, and it felt like a huge stone was stuck in his chest.The small send-off team came, and Mother Jing staggered at the front.In the gray, her white hair is particularly eye-catching.I quickly turned around and left. I have been walking for a long time along the outer wall of the funeral home.Finally stopped at an intersection.Looking around in a daze, the traffic lights are shining in the dark sky like dusk, and there are crowded people and cars in every direction.It was impenetrable, like a siege without beginning and end.I just felt my whole body go stiff.Raising your hand to touch it, your cheeks are wet.The tears didn't flow from the eyes, but seemed to freeze from the inside. I didn't expect to cry at first. Jing Xueping was indeed dead.I couldn't be sure of that until now.Jing Xueping is just an ordinary person, few people will remember him from now on.Among all people, I probably want to forget him the most, but I am afraid it is also the hardest to do so. Ever since I made up my mind to admit that my marriage failed, I vowed to exclude Jing Xueping from my future life.His death should have been a complete end.I can breathe a sigh of relief.But why, this ending will drag on to an end? Jing Xueping, it's really not easy to die. Fortunately, the pace of modern people is busy, and the life pressure of single mothers is especially huge.It may also be selective forgetting.Gradually, the impressions of Jing Xueping's death and even the mysterious call that night left in my mind tended to fade away. It seems that it can really be over. Almost another year has passed. It's an ordinary Friday.At nearly ten o'clock in the evening, I went to ask Xiaoxuan to sleep. "Let me play for a while." He covered the ipad with his small hand and acted like a baby. "No!" I raised my face.I'm usually not arrogant to my son, so I still have a bit of authority, "Have you done your homework?" "It's already done!" He raised his voice in protest, and pushed the ipad aside with a clatter. "Hurry up and take a shower." Xiaoxuan jumped off the chair and ran to the bathroom with bare feet.I picked up his little yellow duck slippers and followed him.After arranging my shoes in front of the shower, I turned to close the door. "Mom, can you help me wash today?" I turned around in surprise.Xiaoxuan's eyes were shining, like two exquisite black grapes.The look is very much like a kitten eagerly looking forward to it. My heart tightened.In order to exercise Xiaoxuan's self-reliance, I ordered him to take a bath by himself since he was in elementary school.He adapted quickly and well and never gave me trouble. "Mother--" I went over and turned on the shower.Hot water poured on Xiaoxuan's head.He giggled, happy. this child. "What's the matter today? Are you crazy?" I wiped the body wash on his thin back and frothed vigorously.Xiaoxuan is thinner than children of the same age, but his muscles and bones are very strong, which is the result of my persistence in taking him to exercise. Children are not allowed to be fat.Their bodies also take in countless nutrients and impurities throughout their long lives and must make room for the future.I hold Xiaoxuan's thin arm - one day this little monkey-like lightness will disappear, and it will all turn into the roughness and solidity of the adult world, it is tiresome to think about. I couldn't help sighing: It would be great if children could never grow up. "Mom, have you forgotten? It's my birthday today!" I was taken aback: "Isn't it tomorrow?" "My birthday is long, from today to tomorrow." I couldn't understand what he said. Xiaoxuan leaned his wet head directly, and my chest was in a mess. "You guys said it yourself... It took a full 24 hours to give birth to me, isn't it just from today to tomorrow?" Oh that's the case.At that time, I was trying to give birth naturally, and it took a whole day and night before I changed to a caesarean section. I really suffered enough.But——I don't remember mentioning this to Xiaoxuan. I frowned.No, I'm sure I never said that to him. I was silent, and Xiaoxuan was also silent.After a hasty rinse and drying he finally mustered up his courage again. "Yes... Dad told me." I stopped and stared at him, the child avoided my gaze, and there seemed to be something flickering in the corner of his eye. "Go to sleep." I kissed his little cheek and tried to say in a happy voice, "There is a birthday party tomorrow." I hope he can sleep happily.Anyway, Jing Xiaoxuan will be ten years old tomorrow. Back in my room, I sat down facing the window.There is a line of river view outside the window, and the surface of the river is dark.Most of the lights on the buildings on the opposite bank were extinguished, like silhouettes rising and falling under the dark purple night sky.Even so dim, I still think it looks much better than the scenery during the day. Just for this view, I will spend at least 10,000 yuan per square meter for a house of the same quality.There are always people who are willing to pay this money, and I am one of them.Since moving in, I found many shortcomings.Poor orientation, light pollution, siren disturbing... Despite all these, I still think it is worth it.The most important choice in life, whether it is investment or marriage, is often impossible for the parties to weigh the pros and cons.Right or wrong is just a question to ask yourself, is it worth it? Jing Xueping thinks it's not worth it.I disagreed with him on many issues, the more important the matter the greater the disagreement.When I finally admitted it to myself, it was the end of my relationship with him. After the divorce procedures were completed, I came to sign the contract for this suite as soon as possible.Since then Jing Xueping's influence in my life has been reduced to zero.Immediately following the change of household registration, Xiaoxuan was able to successfully enter the primary school attached to the district.How many parents try their best to find a place for their children in this prestigious elementary school.I used the most direct way.Of course, it is also the most expensive way.I am willing to pay the price. In the first six months after the divorce, Xiaoxuan often asked about his father.I don't want to lie to the child, I just said that Dad is separated from us, and he always seems to understand half-understand.Until one day, Xiaoxuan suddenly stopped mentioning his father.I don't know what happened in his heart, and I dare not explore it.Today, Xiaoxuan is a third grade pupil.He is well-behaved and obedient, with good grades. Every time I go to a parent-teacher meeting, the teacher is full of praise for him, which makes me very proud. But why did Jing Xueping appear in Xiaoxuan's mouth again tonight? Is it because of the upcoming tenth birthday?Jing Xueping has been absent from Xiaoxuan's birthday for two years, and tomorrow will be the third time.It stands to reason that children should forget more and more. "You always judge others by yourself like this, and treat yourself as God." I was taken aback.Hearing the sound and looking over, there was a person sitting on the sofa chair by the window, his face was dark, and the outline of his body was somewhat blurred.For a moment, I couldn't remember how long I hadn't seen him. "It's been more than three years since we separated," he seemed to hear my voice, "your temper hasn't changed at all." His tone, however, changed.My heart skipped a beat, I couldn't tell if it was shock or anger. "We have an agreement. After we break up, you can no longer contact Xiaoxuan. Have you looked for him? Otherwise, how could he..." I was inexplicably excited, and I couldn't even form a sentence. He didn't answer.In the silence, I heard two whistles sounding far away, and then fell slowly.I closed my eyes, feeling a twinge of pain in my heart. "Zhu Ran, I just came to see you." He has indeed changed, I have never heard him speak in such a calm tone before.The Jing Xueping in my memory has never been able to express himself smoothly. His emotions are like a river blocked by mud, intermittent and circuitous, lacking neither confidence nor strength. But today he has such a bit of majesty. "It's time. Zhu Ran, you should tell Xiaoxuan the truth." I stare at him.My throat was tight and I couldn't make a sound. "Tell him I've been dead for more than a year, Jing Xiaoxuan doesn't have to miss Dad anymore." "On the day of his tenth birthday?" I burst out, "It's better to let him forget you, completely, as if you never existed! Why, why you still refuse to let us go! " A long sigh. I opened my eyes suddenly, only my own shadow was on the glass window, and the night outside was even darker.I went to wash my face, my eye circles were red in the mirror, but there were no tears on my face. The dream is still vivid, and Jing Xueping's last words are still echoing in my ears.There was a thin thread in my brain trembling, as if it was about to snap at any moment. "Zhu Ran, I know you will never admit it, it was you who ruined our home, it was you who caused Xiaoxuan to suffer, it was you who killed me! I want you to pay the price, Zhu Ran! Although I am dead , and I will never let you go, never..." I sneer. Anyway, I received a materialistic education since I was a child.Suspicion begets dark ghosts.Now I am convinced that it is only my own demons to deal with.As for Jing Xueping, even in his dream, he was just a weakling threatened with death.I am not afraid. I went to see Xiaoxuan, he was already fast asleep.He hummed and chirped, as if talking to someone in a dream. Poor child, experienced separation at a young age.it is my fault. I tidied Xiaoxuan's quilt, and a piece of paper emerged from under his pillow.I picked it up, and it was a rare birthday card these days.I don't know which classmate of Xiaoxuan sent it?Now only children still express their feelings by hand, and it will probably be all electronic in a few days... A line of words was written on the card, "Happy tenth birthday to Jing Xiaoxuan!" I can recognize the handwriting even after it has been burnt to ashes. The card fell from my hand to the ground, I grabbed Xiaoxuan's shoulder and shook it vigorously: "Xiaoxuan! Where did this card come from?! Tell me! Tell me!" Xiaoxuan woke up with a start, and was so frightened by me that he burst into tears and couldn't say anything decent at all.Just cry, "Mom! Mom!" We were so noisy, the little nanny Hongmei rushed in from the servant's room in a disheveled dress and grabbed my hand hard. "Ma'am! Ma'am! What's the matter with you? What's the matter?" I regained consciousness a little, and tried to calm myself. "It's okay..." I stepped back and ordered Hongmei, "You coax Xiaoxuan. Let him sleep..." I ran back to my bedroom. About half an hour later, Hongmei knocked on the door and reported to me from outside the door: "Xiaoxuan has fallen asleep." "Okay, thank you." I calmed down somewhat.Not wanting to let her in, he sighed and said, "Go to bed too. I'm sorry to disturb you at such a late hour." "Yes." Hongmei replied, and then said after a little hesitation, "Xiaoxuan said that the card was found in your bag. He thought you brought it to him..." I replied: "Got it." Hongmei left.I was still sitting motionless on the edge of the bed.On the coffee table opposite was a birthday card written by Jing Xueping.After half an hour, I can already control the shaking of my hands.But still dare not touch it. I didn't bring it to Xiaoxuan. After the divorce, Jing Xueping and I never met again.The closest I've come to him (if alive or dead) so far has been at a memorial service.Afterwards, Mother Jing still managed to find my number and called me.Do everything you can on the phone, swearing and swearing at me.What she especially hates is that I didn't ask Xiaoxuan to see Jing Xueping off. If the sky is loving, the sky is also old.There are times when you need to harden your heart, but I just want to protect my son.She is not also for her son.Everyone has a different position.Mother Jing cursed me to die, but I didn't care at all.Without Jing Xueping, Mother Jing and I are just two passers-by in the vast world, and we will never have to communicate with each other ever since. Therefore, I have not told Xiaoxuan that Jing Xueping is dead.It's not deliberately concealing, but I don't know how to speak. It's very late, I have to go to bed, so that I can spend my birthday with Xiaoxuan in good spirits tomorrow.I reached out and finally picked up the card.It was just a piece of cool thin cardboard, and it didn't turn into a python that spit out poisonous flames.I put it in my handbag while making a decision.When I find out the origin of the card, I will tell Xiaoxuan the news of his father's death. I never believed in ghosts and gods.No matter how eerie the reality is, it has a solution.I'm sure I can find out the truth, the most important thing is to never let Xiaoxuan get troubled again. I can't back down because I'm a mother. In the morning I was woken up by Xiaoxuan, who was doing somersaults on my bedside.Sun Wukong made a big disturbance in the Heavenly Palace. "Get up, get up! Mom, I'm going to be late for the birthday party!" It's only eight o'clock, I sigh.Today is the weekend, how long has it been since I slept in? "Xiaoxuan, don't make trouble. The appointment is at ten o'clock. It's impolite to go early." "Mom! Go early, I want to see a lot of paparazzi." The sun shines on Xiaoxuan's body and face.He is like a radiant little angel.Even the eyelashes seem to be transparent.In broad daylight, there were no traces of the darkness and weirdness of last night.So the sun is new every day.Looking at Xiaoxuan, it seems that people can live anew every day.Did he really forget, or was it just a nightmare?The longer I raised children, the more I felt like I didn't understand this little creature at all. The breakfast was very rich, but Xiaoxuan didn't know what to eat.His heart flew to the home of his little friend Duo Duo.When I put on makeup, he was completely new, and he was standing by the dressing table waiting for me. "Little ancestor, let mother dress up for a while." He grinned exaggeratedly. "Mom, you are hundreds of times more beautiful than Duoduo's mother even if you don't dress up at all!" "Duh!" I couldn't help but laugh, this flattery really worked. Hongmei also came to have fun: "Xiaoxuan is telling the truth, but don't say it in Duojia later." The three of us laughed together.Duoduo is located in the same community as my family, but their house is in the building facing the river.My house only has a river view, but his house has a large area.Two large corner balconies with floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room.Xiaoxuan and Duoduo are very close, and they are also classmates. They often go to his house to do homework.Unexpectedly, it is unambiguous to speak ill of others behind their backs. I took Xiaoxuan's hand and walked across the large lawn in the center of the community.There was still a remnant of heat in the air at the end of September.The cool wind blows on the bare skin, which is both warm and refreshing.Xiaoxuan let me go and chased a little Teddy on the lawn.This little Virgo has too much energy - my son. Duoduo's mother came to welcome the guests in person.Her name is Jane Lin.The name can be called refined and elegant, but unfortunately the person is not as good as the name.Jian Lin is a few years older than me, in her early forties this year.His facial features are mediocre, but because he is pampered, he is in good condition among girls of the same age. In fact, he is not as bad as Xiaoxuan said. Her Chanel dress is also very valuable, red silk shirt, black leather pants.Although he is too thin to support his clothes, he still has enough style.And I only wore a dress with plain flowers, the texture of mulberry silk, and the brand was only mid-range.I earned every tenth of the money I used with my own hands, and I still had a loan for the house. When I broke up with Jing Xueping, I didn't get any money from him.A woman who spends her own money can never compete with a woman who spends other people's money.Even if you win, it is bitter. In fact, I have no intention of arguing with Jian Lin, and it's too late to win over her.Jian Lin's husband, Gu Fenghua, is my boss.They are the food and clothing parents of Xiaoxuan and me. It is also fate.On the same day ten years ago, Jane Lin and I gave birth in the same hospital.Since then, the two families have taken turns holding birthday parties for their children.As Gu Fenghua's career is booming, whether to use this personal relationship was also one of the differences between Jing Xueping and me.And I jumped to Gu Fenghua's company to work after I divorced Jing Xueping. Oh, do the math, what Jing Xueping and I did after the divorce is too numerous to write down. Xiaoxuan and Duoduo went to the balcony to watch the paparazzi, and other children attending the birthday party came over one after another, and the laughter gradually started.I sat on the Italian leather sofa with Jane and chatted. "Duo Duo's mother is getting more and more temperamental." I said, feeling so hypocritical. "Where is it?" Jian Lin replied, "You are getting younger and younger, and you don't look like the mother of a ten-year-old child." "Hey, professional women get up early and stay late every day, so busy that they don't even have time to do maintenance. Still young? Don't comfort me." She half-truth: "Oh? Old Gu exploited you? How can this be? I'll go and tell him." "Don't don't." I said, "It's all part of my job. It's not easy for Lao Gu." "What's difficult for him? It's a man's bounden duty to earn money and support his family. We women, how can it be easy to take care of our home and children without worrying them?" Jian Lin said leisurely, and glanced at me again, "Hey, the most difficult thing is you. You are alone inside and out. Tsk tsk." "It's because I don't have the good fortune of being a mother. Every day, my husband and virtuous son filially make offerings, so I have to rely on myself." "Old Gu is not virtuous, and I have to take care of it. Let me tell you Xiaoxuan's mother, this is not a blessing, but a skill." A sneer emerged from the corner of her mouth, and Jian Lin's complacent look made me feel very exciting and contemptible.A woman like Jian Lin regards keeping her husband as the greatest achievement in life.Regardless of whether it is superficial or not, as long as it has not been kicked away, it has the capital to despise all living beings.And I, of course, is the most unbearable type among all living beings—a divorced woman, who deserves to be overlooked, ridiculed, and even insulted by them. I do not want to continue to perfunctory her. "Where's Lao Gu? Why didn't you see him?" I asked. "It's on the terrace, ready for the grill." "Oh, I'll go and have a look. I happen to have something to talk to him about in the company." I got up and left, clearly feeling Jian Lin's eyes glued to my back, like a gun with a stick.Heh, it turns out that the so-called formal style, or the sense of superiority of big tits is so fragile.I'm not interested in paying attention. I have business to look for Gu Fenghua.Besides, in the company, I spend more time with Gu Fenghua than Jian Lin and her husband. She should have gotten used to it.I went to see Lao Gu in front of Jian Lin, just to show that I don't hide evil in my heart.Of course, she may also think that I am arrogant.I sneered slightly to myself.If she wanted to trouble herself, she had to let her. Gu's house is a duplex structure with a large terrace upstairs.The barbecue grill was set up on the inner side of the terrace, and Gu Fenghua leaned over it as if thinking about something. "Old Gu—" I stepped forward. "Zhu Ran!" He called out as if seeing a savior, "Come on, come on, come on! Come and help me see, why can't this shelf be lit?" I look up and down and toggle a few buttons. "All right." "Wow!" Gu Fenghua slapped me hard on the shoulder, "You are still the best." I rubbed my shoulders: "But I'm not Tyson." He laughed loudly: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know me, and when I get excited, I get carried away. I was thinking about it just now when I couldn't do it. Fucking Zhu Ran is fine. She doesn't care about anything. It's done. As a result, you're here!" I also smiled and gave him a white look.This is Gu Fenghua's advantage, he is always enthusiastic towards people.The sincerity that seems to come from the heart is quite contagious.No one can help but not like it.When a boss like him raises his arms at a staff meeting, the audience immediately becomes excited, and everyone is bloodied.Today's society has invented a special vocabulary to describe it-personal charm. That's why Gu Fenghua was able to make his business as impressive as it is today. A gust of wind blows, cooling the whole body.Although Gu Fenghua has some financial resources, he is still far from the top rich man.Therefore, the terrace of his house faces the inner side of the community and has no view of the river. But Jiangfeng is always open to supply. "Huh? Is it going to rain?" he asked. I took a deep breath, palm up: "It doesn't look like it." "Oh, it's just the humidity on the river." Gu Fenghua suddenly felt disappointed, took out a cigarette and lit it. I watched him silently.Gu Fenghua is tall and tall. After getting a little fat in the past few years, his aura is even stronger.The hair is short and thick, and there is basically no gray hair.He is in the best years of a man, and he has a successful career, and even his rough behavior can be pleasing to the eyes and ears.Jian Lin's worries were not superfluous, but she set up the wrong imaginary enemy. Gu Fenghua's fingers trembling slightly.Covert neuroticism.Usually unnoticed, but in my eyes.Maybe it was because of me that I knew what he was nervous about? He took two more puffs on his cigarette. "The financing thing..." "I've made all the arrangements, and I've gone through the accounts many times." I said in the most flat tone. "There can be no difference." "There will be no difference." Gu Fenghua stared at me blankly, and said after a while: "Okay, I can trust you." I motioned to him, "I'll smoke one too." He quickly lit it for me.We leaned shoulder to shoulder on the balcony railing, blowing clouds and fog against the river wind.Just like a pair of dogs and men working hand in hand. I seldom smoke, but now I need cigarettes to cheer me up. "There was a little accident," I said. "what?" I took out the greeting card from my handbag, and Gu Fenghua took it suspiciously. "Xiaoxuan's birthday card?" He gasped, "Is it from Jing Xueping?" "I have no idea." "This……" "Xiaoxuan said he found it in my purse." I smiled bitterly, "You know it's impossible. Besides, Jing Xueping has been dead for almost a year." "That's weird." I said, "Xiaoxuan didn't know about Jing Xueping...he thought Dad was still alive." "You! Cough..." Gu Fenghua choked on smoke, "I didn't say you, you should have told Xiaoxuan at that time. Look, it's not easy to tell the truth to the child now." "What's the problem? Just tell the truth." I said coldly, "Old Gu, you attended the funeral. Did you really see that Jing Xueping died?" "Hey! Is this a joke?" "That's good." Gu Fenghua stared at me: "Zhu Ran, you were right not to bring Xiaoxuan to the memorial service. Jing Xueping was completely different when he died, and I was horrified when I saw it. It can be seen how much torture he suffered at the end of his life. It was terrible. " I don't ring.The wind from the river was wet and cold, making my stomach twitch. Gu Fenghua returned the card to me: "I guess, Jing Xueping knew that he didn't have much time, so he wrote this in advance. He wanted to keep his son as a souvenir. It's human nature, understandable." "My question is, how did the card get into Xiaoxuan's hands?" "Mail? Express?" I shook my head: "I asked the little nanny, and she said that she hasn't received such a letter or courier at home in the past few days." "Maybe it was sent directly to Xiaoxuan School? The child said that he took it from your bag because he was afraid you would blame him?" "That's what worries me the most." Another gust of river wind blows.I heard my own voice intermittently, as if it came from a jammed stereo. "Old Gu, I heard that Jing Xueping was the only one with his wife when he died. So his relics must be kept by Mother Jing. If he... came up with such a stupid plan before he died." At this point, I have to Stop, stop - Jing Xueping has always been a fool. Gu Fenghua looked at me with compassion in his eyes.I turned my head and continued: "Now the only one who can fulfill his last wish for him is his mother. But after I got divorced, I moved, changed my household registration, and didn't bring Xiaoxuan to Jing Xueping's funeral. I tried everything I could. Just to cut Jing Xueping out of our lives, let alone his mother. So I must not allow Jing's mother to find Xiaoxuan and harass him—" I raised my head: "Old Gu, I will try my best not to let Mother Jing touch Xiaoxuan." Gu Fenghua let out a long sigh. "Monday. Next Monday, I'll go to Xiaoxuan's school to ask about it." Gu Fenghua turned pale with shock: "Monday? Zhu Ran, have you forgotten, we have an important meeting with investors next Monday. They will return to the company early in the morning, everything is agreed!" "I will arrive at the company a little later." "Absolutely not!" The veins on Gu Fenghua's forehead burst out, "How can you be late for such an important occasion? Aren't you tearing me down!" He said slowly, "Zhu Ran, don't be too anxious Even if Mother Jing finds out about Xiaoxuan's school, she is still the child's grandmother, so it won't be bad for the child. Besides... You just don't let their grandparents meet, it's not reasonable in terms of human relations. Zhu Ran, no matter Why don't you help me get the financing done first. For Xiaoxuan's matter, you can do whatever you want me to do in the future. Okay? There's no rush right now." I looked at Gu Fenghua.He has a very frank face, but his eyes are by no means as pure as his face.A grown man has a pair of innocent eyes, the only one I've ever seen in my life. That person is dead. I murmured: "Old Gu. Last night I dreamed about Jing Xueping, and this was the first time I dreamed of Jing Xueping since his death. He seems to be a different person from when he was alive... seems to have some special plan." "Special plan?" "I felt like he was trying to get back at me and ruin my life." Gu Fenghua said anxiously: "Zhu Ran, don't think about it. How can the dead ruin the life of the living? Besides, you and I both know Jing Xueping, he was never that kind of person." Gu Fenghua's relief was extremely weak. The dead Jing Xueping may not be able to destroy me.But if he wanted to, he would definitely destroy Gu Fenghua.Both Gu Fenghua and I are well aware of this. At this moment, only I can support Gu Fenghua. "Zhu Ran, you know the company's situation best. This financing is really important to me, otherwise I'm afraid..." His career is equally at stake for me. I sighed: "I was just thinking about it. Forget it, I'll find another person to go to Xiaoxuan School next Monday to check. At present, the company's financing is the most important thing." Jian Lin's voice came from the stairs: "Oh, how long are you two going to talk in secret? Can we start the barbecue? The children are hungry." She finally couldn't stand it anymore. "All right, all right. Let the boys come up!" Gu Fenghua responded loudly and walked over, stopped halfway, turned around and nodded at me.The look of relief.It was as if there was some shady secret between me and him. Yes, but not the kind that Jane Lin guessed. A man like Gu Fenghua only has a decent appearance.Misfortune made me see through his inner world, selfish and weak, not worth relying on at all. I drank a lot during the barbecue, but my mind was always clear.During this time, Xiaoxuan handed me the phone. "Hello?" I asked. "Zhu Ran, let me talk to Xiaoxuan, I want to wish him a happy birthday." There was a deep female voice on the phone. I laughed out loud, I still had a little too much to drink. My name is Xiaoxuan: "It's Aunt Xiuwen." "Hello, Auntie!" Xiaoxuan called sweetly into the phone, "My mother and I celebrated our birthday at Duoduo's house. Many classmates and paparazzi came. Yes, I am very happy, and my mother is also very happy. Thank you Xiuwen Aunt!" I once again had doubts about Xiaoxuan.Was he really as happy as he appeared to be? The phone is back in my hand.Shen Xiuwen said on the other end: "I'm sorry, Zhu Ran. I urgently bought a batch of goods in the United States, and I really can't make it back in time. I brought Xiaoxuan a birthday present, and he must like it." "What's the matter, it's worth apologizing. You've always loved Xiaoxuan the most, we all know that." I could barely control my tongue, "Sleepless in Los Angeles, Ms. Shen Xiuwen should enjoy it. You should know that the girl is so old, Moment of fragrance..." "Zhu Ran, you drank too much." "Where is it. It's the children's birthday that makes me feel a lot." "Zhu Ran, listen to me." Shen Xiuwen interrupted me, "I'm waiting at the airport now, and I saw a person in a daze." "people?" "Yes...but I'm not sure. Seems like an old friend." 我止不住咯咯笑：“秀雯，世界小得很，在机场遇到个把熟人太平常了。你见到谁了？” She is silent. “喂喂，到底是谁？” “要登机了。我周日上午就到上海，再与你联系。”她挂了电话。 我的酒醒了大半。 沈秀雯与我读初中时即相识，将近三十年的闺中密友。她至今未婚，单枪匹马经营一份小生意。早已修炼得油盐不进，几乎从不为任何人困扰。 沈秀雯今天很反常。 而我很不习惯。 似乎是托尔斯泰说过，世上不存在绝对平等的友谊。再好的朋友也有主次之分。就像我和沈秀雯，三十年的闺蜜，牢不可破的友情。维持至今的模式，说穿了就是她向我付出。付出耐心、关怀、理解种种，而我只是从这层关系中索取。我悲伤的时候、失意的时候、快乐的时候、迷惘的时候，沈秀雯总在那里。我与她的关系，便是如此。 别问我为什么。要问也应该去问沈秀雯。 我作为占尽优势的一方，只希望永远如此这般地过下去。所以今天沈秀雯似有麻烦需要我的顾念，这令我相当意外。何况我自己也在内外交困之时。闺蜜，到底是靠不住的。 还有谁能解我的愁？ man? 笑话，天底下最最不可靠的便是男人。 可我真切地知道，今夜我需要一个男人。一个实实在在、健康、洒脱到没心没肺的男人。即便薄情寡义又如何，与这样的男人相处才没负担。 生日会直到下午四点才散。晚饭前我给小轩检查功课，始终心不在焉。腹中像蓄着一团火，越烧越旺。好不容易捱过晚饭，小轩疯了大半日也困了，被我早早打发上床。待家中诸事皆安，时钟已敲九点。 我匆匆梳洗、换装，嘱咐红妹关门闭户。下楼，发动车子。我把油门踩到底，浑然不觉车速加得过头。车速再快，也快不过我的心跳。香格里拉酒店不算远，平常也就二十分钟的车程。我仅用十分钟便把车开进酒店地下车库。狂涛汹涌的心脏已不胜负荷，不能再多耽搁一秒钟。 卢天敏来开门时，我一阵晕眩。 他却与我冰火两重天，斜靠在门边，悠悠道：“才九点三刻，你早到十五分钟。” 我努力挤出一个妩媚的笑容：“天敏，先放我进去。” 在这种时刻还要扮矜持，天晓得有多难。 卢天敏侧身让我进门，我没来得及转身，他就从背后抱紧了我。 年轻男子的体嗅，淡淡的自颈后进入我的鼻腔。突然之间，体内的火球不可遏止地爆裂开来。我全身滚烫，只在最隐秘的地方，剩余一处冰冷。 这处冰冷很快被炽热的烈焰吞没。 待一切归于平静之后，我才发觉全身乏力，好像虚脱一般。然而心中甚为安逸，许久以来未曾有的安逸。 卢天敏也乏了，脸贴在我的枕边，双目微合，浓黑的睫毛随着呼吸轻轻起伏。 我凑过去，吻他的面颊。 他睁开眼睛，盯住我：“女士，你是不是有点爱上我了？” 我啼笑皆非，随口敷衍：“是吧……” “那么，跟我走。” "what?" “我说，爱我就跟我走。立刻，马上。” 我只能笑笑。 卢天敏也微笑，语调从容不迫：“你肯定在想，朱燃还没有到要找小拆白的地步。说来说去，我只不过是你约炮的对象。” “天敏！”我很意外。这种自轻自贱的语气令我很不舒服。“怎么说出这种话来？你明知道完全不是这么回事。” “那是怎么回事？”他不依不饶。 “你还是个孩子。”我无奈地说。 “孩子？”他抬起浓眉，在柔光下愈发显得眉目如画，“我的证件就在桌上。你自己去看，我都三十岁了。地球上有哪个国家法律把三十岁的人定义为儿童？” “可我的儿子今天恰好过十岁生日。”我轻轻抚摸卢天敏的下巴，“不是你的问题。天敏，是我老了。” “你才三十九岁。” 我冲卢天敏微笑。三十九岁，这个年龄有多么可怕，他不会懂。任何人，不论男女，不到这个岁数都不会懂。 卢天敏皱起眉头，思索片刻：“要么你带上儿子，我们三个一起走。” “越说越离谱。” “我是当真的！你们可以跟我去美国，或者加拿大。喜欢哪里住哪里，多好。” “那又何必，上海不好吗？” “可是你在这里不快活。”他闷闷不乐地说，“牵连着我也不能快活。” 我心中一动。这个卢天敏，虽然中文都说不利索，但确实天赋敏锐。更难得的是，他有心把这份敏锐用在我的身上。 我安抚他：“我很快活，尤其是与你在一起的时候。” “朱燃，生命中什么对你最重要？” 我强忍着不笑出来。在人人为名利奔忙的世道里，除了卢天敏，我真想不出还有哪个男人会和我一本正经地谈论如此风花雪月、不切实际的话题。卢天敏的可爱恰在于此。 我想了想，认真回答：“对我来说，最重要的事便是令小轩健康成长，得享幸福人生。” “可怜天下父母心。”卢天敏文绉绉地叹道，我差点儿又笑场。 真的，只有他能令我放轻松。在生活的硬壳重压之下，透出口气来。 “但这毕竟不是你人生的全部。小轩总有一天会离开你。你自己呢？你自己的人生中什么最重要？” 我沉吟良久，恍惚回到少女时代。年少时，人多少会考虑生命的价值与意义，但活着活着便忘记了这些。最终，人生好像只剩活下去这唯一的目标。 是啊，我自己的人生要追求什么？ “终归还是爱吧。” “又是爱。”卢天敏鄙夷地说，“女人口中的爱，无非是以它的名义来控制男人。要求男人为了所谓的爱向她们献名献利，甚至付出生命在所不惜。我认为，爱情是一切女人不劳而获的借口。” 我哈哈大笑。 “我说得不对吗？” “很对，很对。我就是没想到，你这家伙也会愤世嫉俗。” 卢天敏很好看地撇撇嘴：“我讨厌女人明明自己懒惰，却要把责任推到爱的头上。” “有些女人的确如此。”我笑着说，“但我所说的爱，并不是指男人单方面的奉献。” “所以你是难得的，”卢天敏很真诚，“朱燃，告诉我，你想要怎样的爱？” “我期待的爱，”我脱口而出，“是有求也有应的，不遗憾、不悲苦的圆满之爱。”我心想，呵这才叫做美梦。 可是卢天敏当真。他点着头说：“这叫做心心相印。” “是的，心心相映。” “那么，让我们来实践这种爱。” "what?" “说你爱我。” 卢天敏的神情充满期盼，诚恳中混合撒娇的意味，惹人怜爱。呵他比我小整整九岁。 我竟在和这样年纪的男人谈情说爱？真不可思议。 我伸出双臂抱紧他。年轻男人的腰身富有弹性和力量，像由一根柔韧的钢筋撑起。我想象着，假如能依靠在他身边，自河岸走到海滨，自山顶走到草地，长长远远，没有尽头地走下去…… 我看着卢天敏，张开口：“我……” 只吐出半个弱不可闻的音节，心就沉甸甸地直直坠落。我顷刻便明白，脚下是深不可测的阴森地狱，有人在那里等着我，等我沉下去、沉下去。我拼命屏住呼吸。 "what happened to you?" 我喘过气来：“没事。” “你像是要昏过去了。”卢天敏笑，“说一句爱就这么可怕？” 当然他不会懂。卢天敏这种美国出生美国长大，拿英语当母语的香蕉人。对他而言，爱是挂在嘴边的词汇，可以常用常新。而我做不到，我也曾有过自由说爱、畅快求欢的岁月。但那是很久以前的往事。现在的我，是被无形枷锁套得死死的人。 “我完蛋了。”我苦笑着摇头。 他的眼神意味深长：“你好好想想，让我们一起离开这里。” 我是得想想，不是为我自己，而是为了小轩。就在这两天，我突然发现我这个才刚满十岁的儿子，竟然会虚饰地言谈，熟练地表演快乐。我由衷地感到恐惧。 一个人，如果在十岁时都不能真正的快乐，他今后的一生该如何取得幸福？ 我从不曾期望我的儿子大富大贵，但我真怕他有朝一日会像今天的我，无能说出一个爱字。 我是该好好想想—— leave here.从此不再有景雪平的阴影，不再担心景母的侵犯。不需要继续生活在顾风华、简琳，所有这些人的虚伪之中。 抛开这一切，或许我和小轩能开始全新的生活。 perhaps. 我赶在黎明之前回到家。妆都没卸，倒头便睡。这一觉黑暗如斯，连梦都无处落脚。 是红妹来把我唤醒：“太太，沈小姐来了。” 我从床上直跳起来。“几点了？”竟然一觉睡到午后二时，真夸张。 “糟糕！两点开始钢琴课，小轩在干什么？他午饭吃过了吗？为什么不早叫醒我？秀雯几时到的？” “我中午之前就到了。”沈秀雯站在我的卧室门口讲话，“是我带你儿子出去吃的午饭，送上生日礼物；并开车准点送他去上钢琴课。景小轩同学还算满意。” 我忙着洗脸刷牙：“很好，很好。钢琴课五点结束，干脆你再去接了他吃晚饭。饭后带他去看场电影，最新的3d动画片。让我好好轻松一天。” “你气色很不错。”秀雯来到我身后。我看见她从镜子里打量我，目光炯炯。 “昨晚有艳遇？”她这样问。 “我？一个四十岁的离婚女人，还带着个十岁的拖油瓶。如果你是男人，你会不会找我这样的艳遇？” 沈秀雯仍然不错眼珠地盯住我：“你还是很漂亮的，非常有吸引力。” “哈，大约是回光返照。”我毫不避讳地脱下睡袍，光着身子在衣柜里寻寻觅觅。沈秀雯挑出一件红色长裙递给我：“就这件吧。” 我换上裙子，拢好头发，在秀雯面前转个圈。 “你穿红色最好看，难得你还姓朱。”她评价道。 “你要是男人多好，秀雯，为什么你不是男人？” “你对男人居然还报有期待？” 沈秀雯讲话一向以刻薄闻名，但她极少对我用到这样的语气，我不禁多看她两眼。其实我自己也说不清楚，是否对男人仍报有期待，不过任何人只要见到沈秀雯，立刻会明白世间男子对她已失去意义。 沈秀雯只比我稍高一些，体重几乎是我的两倍。她的皮肤白皙，如果光看面孔和五官，依稀还有些娟秀的影子。但常年修剪成超短的发型消弭了仅存的女性气息。不少男人在与沈秀雯电话交谈时，曾被她富有磁性的嗓音所惑，自成一番旖旎的想象。一旦见面，统统溃不成军。沈秀雯对此毫不介意，最初她还会向我提起那些男人的窘态，当成笑资一晒，后来索性也懒得说了。 只有我记得她十七岁时的清纯模样。婉转的秀目和羞涩的神情，谈不上倾国倾城，但少女应有的可爱沈秀雯样样具备，不缺半分。 如今她已三十九岁，与我同年。沈秀雯成为“女金刚”整整十年了。这十年来她的脾气和体重成正比增长。除了我和小轩之外，几乎无人能与她融洽地相处超过一小时。 与之相对的是，这些年来沈秀雯在经商上还算成功。她从瑞士和美国引进一些高科技的保健品，推销给国内的新贵们。这些人比穷人更加贪生怕死，为了一份永葆健康的幻觉，他们愿意付出任何代价。沈秀雯欠在性格乖戾，无法与人合作，这么多年来一直单打独斗，限制了生意上的发展。 But also enough. 沈秀雯在市区置下一套两居室的公寓。一个人住不需太大面积，她更看重交通和生活便利。和我比她算富人。日常开销很大。开的车从帕萨特升级到保时捷卡宴。珠宝华服名牌鞋包，常换常新。钱来得快去得更快，俨然一副今朝有酒今朝醉的模样。可是当所有这些物质簇拥在她一人身边时，却越发映衬出她的孤独。 人生真是尴尬。 我决定改变话题，和沈秀雯莫谈男人。 我问：“你送小轩什么生日礼物？” “全套的湖人队球衫。” “哇，小轩只怕要认你做母了。” “倒还不至于。”沈秀雯闷闷地说，“小轩是收买不了的，父行子效。” 话音未落，她和我都呆住。两个人面面相觑，我的脸色肯定惨白，沈秀雯也好不到哪里去。 “朱燃……” 我摆摆手，不让她说下去。 我在床沿坐下，将手覆在额头上。就这么过了好一会儿。我才说：“昨天你打电话来时，说你仿佛在机场见到一个熟人，是谁？” “我一直在等你问这个问题，”沈秀雯的语气更加古怪，“你真的想知道？” 我抬起头：“你等我问……为什么？”我惨然一笑，“不会是景雪平吧？” 沈秀雯张开嘴，似乎惊呆了。半晌才说：“景雪平早死了啊。朱燃，你没事吧？” “不是他？” “当然不是，我又没有见鬼。”她蹲在我身边，担心地端详我，“你怎么了？” “我没事。”我长吁出一口气，“这两天发生些事情，我想歪了。” 我努力调整情绪：“那么，你究竟看见谁了？” “算了，不值一提。”沈秀雯闭了嘴。我熟知她的脾性，这会儿就算天王老子来审，她也不会再开尊口。 也罢，只要不是我的噩梦就行。 又过了许久，秀雯喃喃地说：“朱燃，这次我在洛杉矶时，去了当地的一个华人教堂。在那里我听了布道，也试着祷告，觉得内心安宁。你有空的时候也可以读读经，不至于过多纠结在自私的痛苦中。” “我自私？” “是的，朱燃，你活得太自私。” 沈秀雯走了。许是内心空虚的缘故，这两年她自称信奉基督，常常把圣经挂在嘴边。不过性格更加乖戾，男人吃得消才怪。我怀疑耶稣也未必吃得消。 我自己去接小轩下课，带他出去吃晚饭看电影，十点钟安顿他睡下。直到这时我才能坐到电脑前，把明天的工作重新梳理一遍。凌晨两点看完资料，临睡前我给助理白璐打电话，安排她明天早晨来我家，送小轩上学并且替我打听些情况。本来，我是想请沈秀雯帮忙的。 白璐新入职才一个月。据顾风华说是投资方的关系户。为了拉拢投资方，特意给她在公司里安排个位置。 “纯粹卖个人情。”顾风华嘱咐我。不必让她干什么活，养着就行了。实际上也没法给她布置工作。这女孩几乎什么都不会。连张像样的文凭都拿不出来。因为顾风华最信任我，就把白璐放在我身边当助理。一个月过去，尽管英文、电脑这些基本技能一概欠奉，白璐却展现出了一大优点——服从。无论我叫她做什么鸡毛蒜皮的破事，泡咖啡买茶点，或者干脆忘了吩咐让她干坐上大半天，她都毫无怨言。倒是令我暗暗称奇。 所以这回情势所迫，我想到了白璐。她的沉稳态度正是我所需要的。而且不用担心她去八卦，因为白璐在公司基本是个局外人。 果然，凌晨两点接到上司电话，这女孩仍然一口应承，并不多说半个字。搁下电话时我想，假如所有的人际关系都这么简单，生活无疑会容易许多。可惜这是空想。从古至今，聪明人发明了各式各样的法律、条文、制度，但总有些关系不在可控范围之内。比如情侣、比如朋友，甚至父母子女，你把法则写到成千上万条也没用。该闹的不该闹的，还不是统统闹得血肉横飞、死去活来。 沈秀雯是我最亲密的朋友。她爱我，也恨我。这么多年来，她时时刻刻陪在我身边，既像岿然伫立的定海神针，也像分秒嘀嗒的定时炸弹。或许，这种勉力维持的平衡终于要打破了吧。 我上好闹钟，吞了安眠药睡觉。迷糊中我想，来吧，都来吧。there is always a solution to a problem. 我又回到了十八岁。 大学一年级的校园里，我与沈秀雯在绿意森森的树荫下漫步。那时她就微胖，婴儿肥的脸蛋好像鲜嫩的苹果，我时常忍不住去掐。 秀雯呼痛，我就把自己的面颊凑过去：“给你，给你掐。” 她不掐，她咬回来。 我们抱着笑作一团。 “呀，来不及了！”秀雯看着手表叫起来。 我不以为然：“那个顾风华有什么可看？” 沈秀雯涨红了脸：“我就是想见识见识，你们学校这个名震四方的大帅哥主席的样子嘛。” “那么……”我朝她点头，“我们跑着去！快跑！” 我素来苗条，纤腰一握，纱裙随着脚步飘扬。沈秀雯在后面紧追，我们跑上小山坡，踩过碎石子铺就的小径。细草从碎石下探出来，被我们踏得簌簌作响。 小径上的人纷纷让开，山坡下男生们一个个伸长脖子，驻足而观。夏日里的双份美丽。光影在发迹上跃动，彩蝶在树叶间翩跹。十八岁的我很是得意。 结果得意忘形。 thump!我摔倒了。膝头顿时青紫一片。沈秀雯大呼小叫地赶过来搀我。 “住手！”我大喝，脚踝痛得钻心，“不行，我站不起来。” 一双手伸到我眼前。我抬头，是个男生，戴副眼镜，其貌不扬。这校园里最盛产的类型。 他显然想提供帮助，但一接触我的眼神，立即瑟缩。 “哎，你还不快帮个手！”秀雯冲他嚷。面对这种男生，似乎每个女生都喜欢嚷。 他