Chapter 22 the man who lives in the lighthouse

Text/Whispering Sparks (one) In the winter of 2005, I felt the cold before all the people in this city, because I lived in the lighthouse, the highest point of the city. The lighthouse is located in the middle of an overpass spanning the north and south banks of the city, with giant piers implanted in the bottom of the river underneath.The river is called the Minjiang River, and it flows slowly to the sea.The lighthouse is made of reinforced concrete, more than 150 meters high, and there is a large space at the top. Every festival, there will be several lights from the top of the tower directly to the sky.

And I live in the room under those lamps. I have a high-powered telescope. From the windows on all sides, I can see many aspects of the city.For example, the east window can see the developed mountain, the construction site under construction, and the sunrise.From the west window, you can see large fields, factories, old towns, railways, and sunsets.From the window on the north side, you can see the most prosperous scene in the city center, singing and dancing, feasting and feasting.And the loneliness after a gorgeous turn, the indifferent expression born in the revolving door, and the stiff and cold buildings.

To the south, there is a university, and her.Every day, she crosses the red runway, the green football field, the main road at the school gate, and then walks under the overpass, where I can't see it. That day, I was looking at the blue sky, the white clouds were very close, and someone was paragliding in the sky.There are also several hot air balloons delivering Christmas presents across campus.Then I saw her among a large group of students bending over to pick up gifts, standing on the zebra crossing at the school gate, looking up at the sky, facing my direction. By the way, I forgot to mention that I am a photographer. I live here and take pictures of the clouds above the city and everything on the ground.

And that day, I took a picture of her looking up. She is not very beautiful, but her eyes are big, and there are things like floating clouds in them, which cannot be described. This is the only photo I developed.She raised her head and looked at me. Sometimes I will leave the lighthouse to buy some daily necessities and dry food.Climbing down the straight stair frame, the cold steel in winter hurts my hands. Going south, I will watch people fishing on the bridge in the cold wind, from morning to afternoon.The world is wonderful, I thought.Behind me is the continuous flow of vehicles and people, but in front of me, everything seems to be still, except for the smoke rings of fishermen rising slowly, which seem to be frozen in a certain place, and then quietly in a trance Disperse.

I never saw anyone catch a fish.I often imagine that there is a fish hanging on the thin rope, drawing a beautiful arc and flying past me.Then I saw its eyes, tears fell from them, and it flew back into the water as if it had grown wings. I think I'm that kind of fish, who said fish don't have tears?I have seen fish that shed tears, in my fish tank.If you can breathe, you must have tears, I always think so. Holding the long and hard bread, I walked slowly along the rusted bridge corridor, and the scarf was blown up by the wind from time to time.I stood at the corner of the steps going down the bridge and saw her again.Standing at the bottom of the bridge, she watched some people selling CDs, high school students dancing street dance, old people practicing Tai Chi, and children chasing each other.

She was still so quiet, just like my first impression of her. (two) In the summer of 2003, when I was a junior, I saw her for the first time. At that time, our band was participating in the performance of the school celebration. She was Bin Yi in the audience, wearing a red cheongsam, her hair was tied up, and she was wearing light makeup.He held his hands lightly, hanging in front of his body, looking very dignified. I am the drummer.AJ stood in front of me.He sings, my loneliness is my burning sun, my madness is my cooled blood. After a song, I looked from behind Ah J, and found that she was looking at him quietly, with a nice curve on the corner of her mouth.

later day.We were practicing and she pushed the door open.Miya.By the time I knew her name, she was already Ah Jae's girlfriend. Ah Jie really loves her, I know.He has never been so tempted by a girl before, there is one word to describe his past, determination. We rested, and he went to talk to her, and she wiped the sweat off his face.The rest of the band booed from behind, and her face flushed suddenly, like a bougainvillea growing outside the window, sunshine and poetry. A kapok fell and I saw it. She always sat by the window when we practiced.Sometimes I look at Ah J, and sometimes I look at the goldfish bowl I put there, and there is only one fish in it.

She didn't ask me what fish it was like other people do.If she asked, I might say, that's another me, a fish that sheds tears.Or I might think that saying that is too hypocritical, so I don’t say anything, just smile.Because I don't know what kind of fish that is. But she never asked, she didn't even ask whose fish it was, and spent the days with her as the sun set day by day. During that time, Jay became much more peaceful, and our band was no longer as drunk as usual. As if all of a sudden, we all lost that kind of frivolity and fearlessness.Say goodbye to moss touching the sun.

I majored in photography, and I often hid in the darkroom alone to develop photos, and I often talked to my fish, I thought, so that I could get all her thoughts from it. Hope she can get mine too. She is a student of the School of Communication, one class lower than us.AJ introduced us in this way.Ah Jay has always been such a silent person, he doesn't say much, we can't know too much about them from him. I live on the top floor of the teaching building, which used to be the dormitory of one of my teachers. Later, he bought a house and lent me this room for free because he was close to me.

After AJ and Miya got acquainted, our practice time was much less, and everyone's heart gradually calmed down as they approached graduation.When I have nothing to do, I often sit on the windowsill with my goldfish next to it. This house is the tallest building in our school with 11 floors.The greenery here is very good, there are tall pine trees and kapok trees, and there are many that I can't identify at all, they are all green, happy eyes. It feels like living on top of a tree. But these are not the most important. The building opposite is the Department of Fine Arts.With the skylight open slantly, on the 7th floor, look in through the glass.Mia was sitting under the window, and I knew that at this time, Ah Jae must be sitting opposite, looking at her from behind the easel.She must like this, and Ah Jae must have painted her beautifully, because the sun was so bright that year, and the bougainvillea bloomed so well outside the window.Each blossom is her happy smile.Every flower blooms is the sound of her heartbeat.

Actually just seeing her, I prefer.It was as if she were a picture hanging on the wall, looking at the clock opposite, ticking. I sometimes think that whenever she looks up, she will definitely see me looking at her right here, but she never does. Every time she stood up, it was already dusk.I also go out and go downstairs.There is a big window at each stairway, like a bird on the top of a tree spinning and flying down, seeing the thick and strong tree roots. I'll meet her on the landing on the sixth floor, where she's giving lessons in the language lab.Smiled at each other, said hi softly, then turned slightly, she went upstairs and I went downstairs. (three) Our band occasionally went to perform in some bars in the city center across the river. That year, an overpass across the two banks was being built.We don't want to go too far, we are all on sand mining boats.The boat boss is very familiar with us, and he also listens to rock and roll. Miya likes to sit on the bow of the boat, the sun hits her side, leaving a beautiful shadow, Ah Jae sits beside her and draws her sketches, talking to her in a low voice.At a certain moment, she and I met each other's eyes, just nodded slightly and smiled faintly. It's the moment I remember best, we're in the same boat, slowly docking. The city on the opposite side of the river is very prosperous. Ah J once told me that this city has no culture, and he will go to another city after graduation, where his lost ideals exist. And seeing the way he talks to Mia, I think he is a simple and happy teenager, and he should not be burdened with too many ideals. I used the camera to take pictures of them together, but when I watched them slowly appear in the developer, I would be in a daze for no reason. When I realized it, the photo paper had blurred into black. Spring 2005.Mia is just a sophomore and has a lot of time. I started my graduation project, I asked her to be my photography model, she agreed.At that time, she was also Ah Ja's oil painting model. Our band has disbanded after the Spring Festival. No one said anything. We all understand that we have come to an end. We all have to face our new life and make our own correct choices. The bridge is nearing completion.The construction site was in a mess.When I was there taking photos with her, she said that the connection between the university and the city center was too direct for her liking.She likes that she can always be in the middle of the city center and the university, and be a waiter. During that period of time, I took her almost everywhere except the city center, the developed mountains, construction sites under construction, fields, factories, old towns, and railways.Watched the sunrise and sunset together. In my camera, she likes to wear a white dress, laughs and dances. When she runs, the corners of her skirt and her long hair fly together. This is not at all like the she I used to know. In the moments I met her with Jay, she was always so quiet. She told me a lot, about her classmates, about her childhood, about her hobbies.She never talked about the things between her and AJ. And I always look at her from behind the camera, her big eyes, and the melancholy that cannot be concealed in her smile. In two months, I took 700 pictures of her, and none of them was a waste film. I am good at taking pictures of only one person, especially, she has all the expressions I like. My photography exhibition was exhibited in the school on the same day as Ah J's oil painting creation. Under my lens, she moves like a rabbit. In Ah J's picture, she is as quiet as a virgin. Many people in the school are discussing our exhibition and discussing her. I have been to Ah J’s art exhibition, and those paintings have existed in my mind for a long time, a girl as quiet as a bougainvillea, a girl as innocent as a kapok. Very dignified.No one can imagine that Jay was such a fierce rock lover, and there was such a peaceful place in his heart. However, I saw the turbulent uneasiness hidden in the calm. I seem to still be able to hear Jay standing in front of me.My loneliness is my burning sun, my madness is my cooled blood. Yes, Jay was standing in front of me all the time, I couldn't see his expression when he sang this song. I could only see Mia through his back. There is always him between me and Mia.Mia has never seen the soul behind him. Then, Ah J and I both graduated.He left the city where we had been together for four years.I gradually lost contact with him. (Four) When I stood on the steps to look at Mia, she also looked up and saw me.We greeted each other with smiles like before. She told me, long time no see. I also said, long time no see. For a moment, we didn't know what to say, and seemed a little embarrassed.It has entered the severe winter, she is wrapped in a coat and a long scarf, wrapping her arms around herself. How is AJ recently?We all said that out of the blue and laughed together again. At this time, I saw Ah J again, and I saw her through him. I haven't heard from him for a long time.she says. We stood together for a while.She stomped lightly, and I searched for all the memories of her in my mind. I think of the oil painting that Ah Jay used to make the cover of his commemorative album for his graduation exhibition.Mia sat on the window sill with her knees hugged, with the goldfish bowl in front of her.The fish faced her. Let's walk together.I say. We walked slowly side by side along the riverside. A dam was built along the riverside, and some new trees were planted. There was a certain distance between each tree, standing in the cold river wind, like devout worshipers. .Loneliness is a kind of belief. I think we used to be devout worshipers of love. Sand mining boats are rarely seen on the river, but there is one more yacht fixed on the river. It is a newly opened entertainment city. Some women are dressed in fancy dresses, standing on the deck, smoking and talking loudly. , with the gentle shaking of the yacht on the river surface, layers of water waves swayed, the water is very deep, and it is a dark green. The last time I took pictures with you here, there is a beach here, your fish died, you put it in the fish tank, and then put it on the river, thinking that, it will go down the river and return to the sea.But now I think that is very cruel.We are like fish swimming alone in a fishbowl, floating on the surface of the sea.she says. Her voice was still very soft, like mist floating on the surface of the water, as if she said that after Ah J graduated, he went to Beijing, where he had his ideals, I know.He said he would wait for me there.It's been a year and we've had less and less contact.Some time ago, on Christmas Day, I lost my phone and never contacted him again.In fact, I have always known that he is an unstable person, and I felt it the first time I saw him.But I still fell in love with him.And more importantly, he fell in love with me too.I don't know what kind of influence I have brought to him, I just feel that he doesn't know how to vent himself, and every time we are together, he will always be in a daze unconsciously.Sometimes, I really envy you in those days before, you can vent yourself like that, I want to intervene in you, but when I was really with Jay, I understood that there are gains and losses, everyone It's all selfish.I want to have Jay, and Jay also wants to have me, but we both lost some things at the same time. These things are very important to us, but they are an obstacle to the other party.I know that after graduation, I will be separated from him. Ah J’s expression when he painted me made me feel very unnatural. He suppressed himself too much. He thought he was doing me good by patiently depriving him of his original passion, but it was not. that kind of.Because of our personalities, we were destined to hide parts of ourselves when we were together.And I like the photos you took of me even more. At that time, I felt that I was the one who was really in love. All my friends who have seen your film festival said so.And I am in Ah J's painting, it's just his wishful thinking.Or I shouldn't say that, after all we've been in love for two years.He also gave up a lot of things for me, but he finally understood that what he loves is his ideal, the university is a station in his ideal journey, and I am just a tree on this station... The words she said were sorted out slowly by me later. In fact, our conversations were intermittent at that time, as if we were talking to the wind, and they fell apart as soon as it blew.The reason we talk is only because we have people we know in common, and Jay is the reason for our talk, he has been standing between us just like that. Ah Jie loves her, I always knew that, and I still think so.Although he was with me when he left the city.He didn't say goodbye to Miya, he asked me to tell her that he was going to Beijing, if possible, he would wait for her there for two years. Two years can change a lifetime.Everyone understands this. Ah J loves Miya, although he told me when he left, I know you like Miya too, I always think you are more suitable for Miya. When he said this, I had a word in my mind to describe his future, decisive. It was just an excuse for him to leave, I said to myself. No one is suitable for whom, no one is not suitable for whom. (Fives) Before you know it, dusk falls.I suddenly fell in love with this moment.The two walked in the shade under the dim streetlights, wearing high heels and bulky riding boots, making two sounds with each step, hard and dull.There is a fence on one side and the road on the other. Occasionally, a car drives by, and then it suddenly becomes very quiet. We don't know when the topic about AJ started to stop.I asked her about some recent things, and she said that she was preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination and might go abroad.In fact, when she first came to study abroad, her parents had already planned for her to go abroad. We walked along the wall of the embankment for an unknown distance, and then returned the same way. At this time, the broadcast on the campus had just started, and I could tell that it was her voice, which was heard every night.Only today, I heard very clearly that it was about a watchful love, a love of standing still and looking at each other. I said, after you go abroad, isn't the major you have studied basically useless? What does that matter.she said with a shrug. Too.I smile.Not all for life. How about you?Are you still taking photos?Have you been in this city for more than a year?If I have a chance, I'll go and see what you've photographed this year. it is good.I say. In fact, sometimes I find it quite strange. When I was in college, I never heard that you were in love.Are you still single now? Yes.I laughed, if we talked about it, I would probably leave the city by now. She glanced at me and stopped talking. The night is cold, very real.We all choose to be silent, and then miss.A dress from many years ago, beautiful and warm. The habitual emptiness appeared as usual.Probably due to inertia, we were all aimless, and continued to walk a few stops, walking in the city gradually submerged in darkness, and heard some love related to parting on the radio. I began to listen to some erratic footsteps, to endure some encounters. Wanted to leave, but was pinned in place by exhaustion. If I have a chance, I'll pat you again.When I was about to return to the overpass, I stopped and turned to her and said. She glanced at me, smiled, then lowered her head without speaking. I looked up at the lighthouse, and there was a big clock on the lighthouse.Inch by inch of time is buried in the graves one by one, like a train passing by section by section, the heartbeat disappearing, screaming against the howling wind, hysterical. At this time, a love song by a popular singer was played on the radio, with a hoarse voice.Then there was his inner monologue. He talked about the time when he was wandering in Beijing, about the girl he missed, about the photo of her in his suitcase, about how he secretly kissed her in the middle of the night, and then quietly leave.Then he said that the last song on the album was written when he was in college, and it was given to his favorite girl. Although they have separated from each other and have their own lives, he thanked her for what she brought to him during that time Calm, happy and moving. The music is very gentle. In my imagination, music should have a worn shell, a rough texture, and sharp gaps that can hurt people. The music becomes clearer and clearer at the eardrum. My loneliness is my burning sun, my madness is my cooled blood.