Chapter 3 "Those Young Men Who Are Sad" Part Two

The sun was hitting my bed, and I opened my eyes, excited after a good night's sleep, through the heavily polluted air in Beijing, and I saw the pale blue sky.What a wonderful morning, but I don’t want to get up. It’s my senior year, and I want to let myself get used to staying in bed. Although the class has already started, the black-haired professor has led my classmates through Einstein’s distorted view of time and space. To experience the mystery of relativity. Leaning lazily on the head of the bed and opening it, I think I was dragged back to the old Peking University in the 1920s. I saw a young man with a thin figure and a lazy face.He turned staying in bed into an art, and he believes that based on his more than ten years of learning experience, the biggest benefit is "getting up late", because "I lie alone, and the small house that is tilted to the west immediately becomes a big one." Happy Palace".He relentlessly practiced this art, even if he did not feel sleepy, he insisted on thinking wildly in bed.He even listed a number of reasons why getting up late is helpful to life. These reasons are so convincing to me now that I have to suppress my heart to go to class and continue to lie down doing nothing.

Liang Yuchun, who only lived to be 27 years old, is not at all like a shooting star across the sky. His light is not dazzling, but soothing, soft and extremely approachable.Lying on the bed, I seem to see Liang Yuchun in a long robe pacing slowly on the beach, with a happy homeless expression on his face.He pushed open the door of a classroom, and in silence, with the eyes of the professor behind his back and the astonishment of his classmates behind his back, he strolled to the last row, opened it, and scanned it. Lin Yutang once said that the style of the old Peking University was similar to the loose style of Oxford. In this kind of loose freedom, students' creativity and individuality can be fully stretched.Liang Yuchun may be the practitioner of this spirit of sparing no effort.Idleness has always been a hotbed of wisdom. The French proverb says "leisure begets art". Perhaps French art was indeed bred in those cafes scattered all over the street.When Wang Zengqi answered the question "Why did Southwest Associated University cultivate more talents in eight years than in the decades after the founding of the People's Republic of China", the answer was "freedom".His life in the university at that time was: sleep a lot during the day, go to the library at night, and be self-willed.Because of clear and utilitarian goals, they indulge their minds to wander around.

Years later, when I walk the campus that has become so rushed, watching people on both sides scrambling for things they probably don't need, I can't help but miss that boy. People in the 1920s liked to say "my friend Hu Shizhi", but in the 1990s, I always wanted to say "my brother Liang Yuchun".In a sea of ​​TOEFL books, holding a volume of "Liang Yuchun" brings great joy. This brother who does not study hard is good at reading but does not seek deep understanding. He firmly believes that reading and writing serve life, and life itself is above everything else.Therefore, he allowed his life to grow freely and his temperament to develop to its fullest.Therefore, in order to enjoy the sunshine in life more, he gave up the pursuit of concrete achievements.As a talented man, he only left a thin booklet, which must be reprimanded by Li Ao as "too lazy".

I don't like the Ostrovsky who exists "for some cause that he doesn't understand". He thinks that human life exists so that the memories after many years will not be ashamed.This kind of thinking actually hurts life itself. Life is a simple thing. We are alive, happy, and appreciative of the world.Just like my senior brother 70 years ago, he lay on the sunny bed, skipped classes, read books without listening, and then released them into words through the pen when emotions appeared... Many years later, I will remember the sunset in the early summer of 1996.At a 30-degree angle, it passed weakly through the window of a room numbered 103 in the Fourth Courtyard of Peking University, which was covered with old newspapers.I sat under the weak sunlight, listening to the infrequent conversations of Qingdong opposite me, which involved politics, literature, and perhaps life itself.I have almost forgotten the content, and what remains in my memory is the impassioned tone of his conversation that will not fade away.

At that time, I was often excited, often accompanied by his indignation.I was a freshman at the time, and I always wondered who I would be without that summer.It was also that summer that Kong Qingdong instilled in me what he considered the "Peking University spirit" and even his "Peking University chauvinism" with his unique way of speaking.He often tells me about the reality in his eyes with emotions that are not commensurate with his age, and mercilessly mocks some noble things in my heart. Even the history that I am accustomed to has produced another understanding.For a young mind just entering university, that kind of tremor is amazing.I used to spend an evening thinking about it because I heard some startling statement from him.Later, I was obsessed with Herzen's youthful experience in "My Past and Thoughts", because it was also a scene where the immature mind suffered subversive changes.

Idealism and fun were his biggest influences on me that year.He liked to joke at that time: "If you drop a bomb in Peking University, China will go back 50 years." When he told me a lot about the darkness of this world, I was so excited to save this country and the world like my peers 30 years ago. Because of his influence, I read all the records about the May Fourth Movement, and I longed to be like me back then. Like my alumni, I want to shout out and influence this country. Therefore, I have an uncontrollable disgust for the environment around me. Those classmates who have no passion and no responsibility make me miserable, and more often than not, I am in their eyes. I became a strange person. On summer nights, I expressed my righteous indignation towards the society to my roommates, and what I received was dullness and disdain. From then on, I strongly felt that college should be "retreat", Those ethereal ideals should be pursued, because the blood of this age is the hottest and the bondage is the least.

Kong Qingdong was born at the bottom and suffered repeated setbacks. I was a little surprised that a person who got a Ph.D., married and had children, still shared a dormitory with others.However, in this environment, he still appears surprisingly happy.This kind of happiness is his vitality that has always been exuberant.He can dissolve those misfortunes with his vitality, and he has an obsessive respect for the fun in life.He always told me that finding happiness in the most painful life is the highest state of life.Just like his classic statement: "Everything is fun." There are crooked newspaper clippings pasted on the door of his dormitory, such as a portrait of Chen Chong with the trademark of Yantai Apple "exclusively for export".He used to tell me about the absurd and cute side of his college life, which is only a small part of it.Through his narration, I felt almost admiration for Zhang Yang's personality.In the four years of college life, I have always deliberately indulged my will.Kong himself likes to say: "The 1980s was not perfect, but compared to the present, it is really a myth." This gave me a kind of spiritual hometown complex for the 1980s.Of course, now I often feel that his too many jokes have dispelled the power of his articles, which may be unavoidable.

After that summer, Kong Qingdong completed his student journey, became a lecturer, and left the dilapidated dormitory in the Fourth Hospital.And when we meet again, he will not tell me his thoughts with the same passion as he did then.And the mentality full of thirst for knowledge in the freshman year has gradually moved away from me.I feel that we are becoming more and more strange, whether it is because of maturity, I also show more and more different views on his articles and opinions.And the passion in the freshman year often makes me feel incredible now, but I miss it infinitely.The time when the soul is really young is actually very short. I met Kong Qingdong in a very short time. I was bathed in the weak sunshine, and I listened to his passion and made my blood boil.

one At midnight, my roommate and I came out of the small, somewhat dingy restaurant called "Wei Ming". What we ate, drank, and talked about, all of which failed to impress.Every time we come to this place, our imagination is so lacking that it is painful. Those few dishes that cost less than 15 yuan are ordered again and again, and those brands of beer are poured back and forth tirelessly. The name of a girl with a good figure, whose face was overshadowed by cheap wine... As usual, we walked out of this place, exposing our bodies to the stale air of the western suburbs of Beijing at midnight, but what about the soul? We know it hides in one of the most secret places we know, and we must double protect it, We instinctively know that it is the only sign that distinguishes us from the crowd who bustle on the street for fame and fortune.

At one corner, there is a pool of water, which is the masterpiece of the rain during the day.At this time, we felt a sense of oppression in the lower abdomen, and the public toilet was still far away from us.So the four of them stood side by side in front of the shallow water that was dark in the middle of the night.The sound of water colliding with water is not unpleasant in the quiet midnight. It arouses our hearty laughter. There is a very pure joy in this laughter, and it does not mix any ulterior purpose. At this time, we found a vague figure behind us, which should be a person of the opposite sex.However, we didn't feel insulted. There was an inexplicable restlessness in the hearts of the four of us, but no one said anything.We walked forward, and that figure was also walking forward, and we looked back at that blurred figure almost at the same time, a little pleased and a little disgusted.A woman with her hair intentionally made into a chicken coop has an overly childish face, even though it is covered with colorful colors, the thick eye shadow is still dazzling even under such a dim moonlight.This is not the type I like, but there is still a verb in my heart-expectation.

We start talking and laughing, and we instinctively recognize two possible roles for her—runaway girl or something else.When we walked across the road, she lingered on the side of the road, looking at us one after another.We watched her enter the beef noodle restaurant across the way, and then watched her come out.Then started to cross the road and came towards us.At this time, the four of them began to lose control of their desires. Some people began to ask "who will come", some said they were willing to provide a bed, and some looked at her in a daze.The mood at midnight is always good, the sun has not yet illuminated our hearts, and the night conceals the curiosity and desire of youth. When she was five meters away from us, we also approached the south gate of Peking University, and the mutton kebab stalls at the gate began to close down.I yelled to the opposite sex: "Hey, what are you doing?" The voice revealed an uncontrollable sophistication.Of course the answer surprised us: "I don't have money for food." What to do next, I found 20 yuan in my pocket, which was our meal expenses for the second half of the week.But I still gave her 10 yuan and pointed her to a bowl of beef noodles.During the whole process, I didn't think I was noble, but I just remembered a sentence I loved to say when I was young when I did good deeds: "It doesn't matter, this is what I should do." Then, she left, leaving a thank you, her voice was much more moving than her face.Then, we walked into the campus and no one spoke anymore. two I like to run on the street at midnight, not because some people say that I am like a vacuum cleaner, selflessly recycling exhaust gas, but because I like the street under the yellow light of street lamps, there are no people, and occasionally there are cars.I feel free now.When I was about to run near the south gate, I suddenly remembered the story of last night, and my heart beat violently.My imagination in this area is always surprisingly rich, and I often surprise myself. In the end, she was actually standing there, wearing a long coat in such hot weather, her face looked clearer than yesterday, neither good-looking nor ugly, but really young.What did I do? When I ran past her, I didn't think of stopping. I just smiled briefly at her and said hello, as if I ran into a classmate in my class by chance.She was obviously stunned, but I still saw her smile, which was very innocent and short-lived. For the rest of the day, I was still wrapped up in regret.I thought why didn't I talk to her, it might be a sad story, I thought of at least 10 versions, and then I even thought of the scene where I took her to avoid the pursuit - she should be a misguided child.There are too many adventures in the story. The amazing thing is that I may take her to rush to the Weiming Lake, followed by dozens of hooligans holding kitchen knives. Finally, I took her to jump into the lake. Unfortunately, the lake is too shallow. Not enough to overwhelm us.Of course, there is some possible love in the scene, and of course sex.I thought about my somewhat untidy bed, and the unwashed panties and socks on my bed, where the story was kind of a bummer. I did regret it a bit, and I said to myself, the next time I meet her, I must talk to her, no matter what dangers, I want to know her story.I know that a person who refuses unknown adventures because of danger is a sign of aging, and I am afraid of aging myself. three I ran to that place at that time almost full of anticipation. I even thought about which questions I should ask, and even prepared to give her all my money when I needed it. Maybe I could buy her a ticket back home. For the train ticket in my hometown, I use the student ID card that girls in our class can buy half-price tickets.But she wasn't there, which was a disappointment, a waste of my energy, more of my innocent good intentions, and more importantly, it didn't convince me that I was still daring to take risks and enter other people's stories casually. I will remember her and if I run into her one day, even though I don't like her face and I don't like her figure, I will tell her, you know what, I could have been in your life? Even though I know that I don't like her at all. The sun hangs in the sky indistinctly, and her dull face even allows us to look directly at it.There was dirty snow on the ground, and the young men and women in the campus were worrying about the upcoming final exams, and they didn't even have the energy to spoil the snow on the ground.The environment of the whole campus is gloomy, and the sky is always khaki, which is a typical annoying color of Beijing snow days. That winter, the dormitory was always damp, which made people feel uncomfortable.However, I still insist on sleeping until 11 o'clock every morning, and then put on my thick and awkward coat.I instinctively went downstairs to find Shaw, I didn't know what to do next, but I was as happy as a child.Sooner or later, in Xiao's filthy dormitory, Li would also show up.In our junior year, all three of us dropped out of school, just before the final exam.Dropped for the same reason - bored.That is, after two years of college-level training, we suddenly become confused about our behavior.Among the students who are eager to learn and make progress, we feel a sense of loss without a goal.After two years of winding, it was time to unwind it.Like deserters, we organized ourselves to justify ourselves, to persuade our parents and the school to agree to let us be idlers in this elite university.If we use a more grandiose reason to explain this behavior, it is that we have doubted our own existence and want to re-examine the meaning of life through freedom. So when the students are trying to seize the self-study classroom, or asking the teacher to set questions in fear, we become bystanders in this busy campus at the same time.In other words, we were abandoned by this tense campus at the same time.The three of us often walked out from the 28th floor meaningfully during lunch time.At the gate of the building, a group of disheveled boys were crowded, carrying rice bowls of different sizes, dirty or clean, and they returned victoriously from Xueyi, from the farm, and from Xuewu. We would stomp on the snow a few times and stare blankly at the sky for a while.Li would say, let's have a cigarette.So Xiao took out a pack of Garden brand cigarettes that cost two yuan, and we sat on the cold back of the bicycle and lit a cigarette.The smoke in the cold air makes us feel a little warm and a little bit of burning pleasure.Our faces were exposed to the winter sun and showed little vitality.Xiao's khaki coat is harmoniously matched with the environment, making him lifeless.And Li is still the military padded jacket that is full of personality but extremely ugly.While we were smoking, we looked at the people coming and going around us, feeling a sense of complacency.Be a bystander, at least momentarily, squinting down and looking at people with pity.After the smoke was gone, we decided to have porridge.At that time, the Boshi store had not yet been built. Next to the Peking University Bookstore, there was a small temporary wooden house where a couple sold mung bean porridge and tea eggs.A long and narrow table took up most of the space, and porridge drinkers sat on both sides, making the whole room crowded and warm.We like that space, all the students who come here look like a family, we eat the same meal around a table, but they don't seem to have the same ideas as me.Every time, when I try to approach a girl who is beautiful in appearance but not spiritually empty with the air of a loved one, they always show the distrust of strangers, which makes me sad. We smoke whenever our stomachs are filled with satisfaction.We used to sit on the back of our bicycles by the side of the road and let the Gardens light up again.Our location is at the junction of the 29th and 31st floors, which are two female buildings.Watching while smoking has almost become our way of digesting things well.Those girls wrapped in thick clothes walked awkwardly on the snow, making people ugly in winter, their youth, their style, and their desires were all forced to hide.But this does not seem to delay our happiness, which is almost without any burden.Come to think of it, we had almost a year of total freedom, we almost let ourselves float in the cold air.In such a mood, everything is beautiful.I still remember that we played a game together on the frozen Weiming Lake. I fell 13 times, and it was Xiao who counted them for me.Then, we followed a tall girl in a skirt, which was so charming in this weather, through the Book City.We also wandered in various bars together, but we had no money to buy alcohol, so we could only drink a Coke for the three of us.We always hope to find three girls just in time. They should be beautiful and should have nothing to do, even if they are spiritually empty.During the Spring Festival of that year, we really found three lonely girls to spend together, but nothing happened, and there was no excitement at all. The gap between reality and dreams was really far away... and then, spring came and winter went away.And our mood is gone, and we are even estranged from each other.I can't help but miss that time... I met Li, then Xiao, and we haven't seen each other for half a year, and it's been 22 months since that winter.We can't seem to find anything to talk about, desperately and even restlessly looking for nonsense to break the embarrassment. "I miss the winter in my junior year, when it always snowed and I always drank porridge." I finally said weakly.This sentence must have moved them, and they all looked into the distance meaningfully.Li said, "I missed it so early." Life in that winter was not fulfilling at all, but the feeling of boredom was so nostalgic. Dong Qiao once mentioned an interesting story.A new toilet has been renovated at Cambridge University, which, in the tradition of the University's students, is bound to be polluted with the inspiration of those young gentlemen.So the clever supervisor simply designed the wall of the toilet in the style of a blackboard, with chalk next to it, graffiti at any time, and can be erased at any time.This supervisor is simply a descendant of Dayu, knowing that some "floods" can only be diverted, not blocked.It is generally believed that toilet graffiti lacks artistic and cultural temperament, mainly due to inappropriate locations and characters.Cambridge is an excellent place. The name alone is already full of bookishness, and the graffiti are all apprentices of Byron and Newton. In addition, they are all young. This combination really makes the toilet wall shine. The level of toilet culture in Peking University is not high.This may be due to the poor sanitation environment of Peking University, and the culture is nourished by comfort.Wang Xiaobo called the public toilets in Brussels "the garden of culture", not only because it is the intersection center of various cultures, but more importantly because the charging standard there is one dollar.It must be a very comfortable place.With the heartache of a dollar combined with the comfort of doing nothing, ideas and cultures are sure to flourish.The sanitation facilities of Peking University adhere to China's consistent shortcomings and cannot provide users with a sense of ease.The poor environment made these young guys with excess pride and talent not in the mood to breed lofty emotions and profound thoughts.Generally speaking, the hygienic environment in the dormitory building is the worst, so the pictures and text here reveal a kind of superficial trend.Looking at the notes, I knew that I was really bored, so I wrote down the words that I was usually embarrassed to say.The depressive symptoms of adolescence and the desire to feel unbridled eagerness are well documented here.The handwriting is scribbled and flustered, and it lacks tempering. One of the most culturally meaningful notes on the 28th floor has this sentence: "Students should keep these two points in mind: reading the Bible and keeping the stool unobstructed." I am overwhelmed by this wonderful idea.Later, those who read Lin Yutang realized that these were the words of an American university president.If this classmate is smart enough, he should change the "Bible" to it, which seems to have more Chinese characteristics. I was moved by the bathroom in the old library, where discussions about the future of Peking University were staged.On the light green door were densely written a number of controversial opinions, each with painstaking efforts.First, there is a group of discussion texts about the comparison between Peking University and Tsinghua University, which are clearly divided into pros and cons.First, there is a piece of worry about the decline of Peking University written in blue and black pen, and the fact that Tsinghua University is becoming the number one university in China.Then, a group of black ballpoint pens refuted this point of view, claiming that Peking University was ahead. One can imagine the outrage at that time.One line of text was written on top of another. Of course, in the end, the debate turned into insults. The Peking University side claimed to change Tsinghua University into Peking University Institute of Technology, while the opposing side wanted Peking University people to recognize their own positions.There seem to be as many as seven or eight kinds of written notes, mixed in Chinese and English.Of course, due to the special situation and the limited environment, both parties in the debate could not be polite, but the participating team members' love for Peking University is beyond words.The bathroom in the new library has been repaired much brighter and more spacious, and the students seem to no longer have the nerve to write something, which also seems to confirm from the side that Peking University students are becoming less and less passionate. At that time, because I read Mr. Zhang Zhongxing's "Red Mansions", I made up my mind not to go to Peking University.It seems that the seemingly trivial food, accommodation and transportation truly reflect the unique charm of Peking University.Zhang Zhongxing did not write about the toilet culture of the Red Mansions, which was definitely lacking in the Republic of China.It's a pity that those guys in "Once Upon a Time in Peking University" didn't mention it either.When foreign sociologists study campus culture, toilet culture is definitely an important chapter.And an Oxford professor can publish a monograph only by studying the changes of stained glass in Oxford churches, which can indeed show the arrogance of Oxford.When Peking University can turn toilet literature into a research monograph one day, Peking University at that time must also enter the world's top class. The incomparable love for slippers is an important reason why I am obsessed with campus.For most of the year, my not-so-delicate feet are exposed to the harsh and filthy environment of Beijing.In the preface of Yu Huazai's book, he said that in that summer, he put a towel around his waist, and when he was walking on a country road, the towel would smack his buttocks.I like this passage very much. I think that 20-year-old Yu Hua must have felt the intoxicating spirit of freedom contained in this simple action.I didn't put myself in the fields, and I didn't like the smell of manure in those fields.I like to enter the classroom with my shoes off, step into the cafeteria, and swim by the Weiming Lake.I like the thick-soled slippers, which keep my heels comfortable and allow for a stronger thud against the floor due to the weight.Compared with the thin towel, this kind of sound is more powerful, and Yu Hua will definitely sigh to himself. So, I walked around the campus in this posture all year round, listening to this voice with great joy.My toes are free to stretch themselves.A general love affair with slippers is a university complex.At noon in summer, when the cafeteria just opened, on the way to each cafeteria, slippers of various colors and sizes were mixed together, and they made sounds with different textures at different rhythms, which were not pleasant to the ear, but nevertheless Kind as hell.Being in it, I can always deeply feel that I belong here.In the heart of a sensitive person, a breath, a sound or just a taste will drag his soul into another dimension.And whenever I feel tired in the bustling street market, once I cross the campus, what makes me feel most intimate is the sound of the slippers. For this point, there are my colleagues in every university campus.I clearly remember that in one summer, I wandered aimlessly in the streets of Guangzhou, the heat and noise made me exhausted.By chance, I bumped into the campus of Jinan University.This is a school that is not beautiful at all, and the construction site under construction brings flying dust to the campus.However, two students with tattered lunch boxes walked towards them, their fat T-shirts were even stained with oil, and two pairs of dull-colored slippers rubbed rhythmically on the concrete road.This moment made me very excited. I was like a wanderer who had been traveling for a long time and suddenly returned to his hometown. Subtle objects often reflect the spirit of the times.The literary critic, after reviewing a huge amount of materials, finally proved that "cigarette" is the most important symbol of modern civilization, because this small flammable thing reflects the psychological anxiety of human beings in the process of transforming from classical to modern civilization. symptom.Because the original source of tobacco was America, the ambitious Italian liar Columbus told the self-righteous Europeans to go westward by boat, and there is a wider world there.The world turned out to be so vast, and Europeans felt a sense of bewilderment. At the same time, they were pleasantly surprised to find that the chewable bitter tobacco brought back by the ship could temporarily suppress the bewildered pessimism.So this cigarette, which is only 10 centimeters short, contains the history of modern civilization. I can't verify the history of slippers, but I instinctively realize that the temperament contained in slippers has something in common with the spirit of the university itself.Slippers are only suitable for two places - bathroom and school. ·The bathroom is the place where human beings can expose themselves most essentially. Here you don't need to cover up and face the world naked. It also makes you feel a kind of unrestricted relaxation.So what about the university campus? What is most needed here is unlimited spiritual freedom, and this spiritual freedom certainly brings physical relaxation.The attire of liberty-loving Greek scholars is the fat robe, and this attire was also popular in the original Paris University and Oxford University.In the history of these ancient universities, the students have been a group of extremely wanton.They can unscrupulously denigrate religious traditions spiritually, and even drink alcohol and fanatically infatuate with women in their private style. This kind of chaotic way is of course unacceptable to us, but we must at least make it clear that universities need a wider space for freedom.Since suits and leather shoes have been associated with a strict administrative system, slippers have reason to be associated with free air.A person who is used to wearing slippers and walking in a quiet campus cannot help but think, and what he thinks about will be those weird problems that lack utilitarianism.Didn't that Socrates ponder philosophical questions while wandering the streets of Greece? Stupid people can't understand the importance of slippers to the university, let alone appreciate the moving sound.What does it mean to be "tidy-dressed" in schools, and what does the ban on slippers mean in various places? A university is not an ordinary social institution, and people here don't need to work hard for a unified goal.Some educators are lamenting the slovenliness and substandardness of the Bachelor of Slippers.A student from Peking University applied for a job wearing slippers, his face full of carelessness.This story has become a classic negative teaching material in the annual graduation distribution meeting. The school emphasizes how graduates should package themselves.However, I am grateful to this lovely brother who has brilliantly carried on Peking University's liberal tradition of flouting social norms. If one day, we see that the huge campus is also meticulously dressed, and we can't see slippers of various colors slapping the floor in various rhythms, it will be a kind of sadness. In early 1961, after Hemingway underwent electroconvulsive therapy, he accelerated the writing of "Floating Holy Festival".The old man whose body is in a state of collapse at any time seems to have understood in his heart: this time, he is in a more difficult predicament than "Santiago". The big fish of disease and aging is devouring his vitality. The way Hemingway chose to fight was the memory of his youth.For this old man who is about to die, what is more memorable than the life in Paris from 1921 to 1926? When the 22-year-old young American journalist and writer set foot in Paris, although he was confused, poor and unknown , but as long as he is young, what is all this? Youth makes him have a good appetite, because he often falls into hunger, so he tastes the wonderful taste of cold beer, fried potatoes and thick and big frankfurters; because young , so the libido is very strong, so in the evening "we read books, then we have sex in bed"; because he was young, he was so eager to succeed, so he cheered himself up in an unheated hotel: "Don't worry. You used to You've been writing like this, and you'll be writing now. You just have to write a true sentence. Write the most true sentence in your mind." "I sat in a corner, with the afternoon sun shining over my shoulders, and I wrote in my notebook. The waiter brought me a cup of coffee with milk, and when the coffee was cold, I drank half of it and put it on the table, Keep writing...there will be days to write a little each day. Nothing else matters. I can't imagine with what kind of mixed emotions Hemingway, aged 60, made this recollection. He was in Paris in search of his literary Ideal, meet and talk with all kinds of people, grow up in the nourishment of absinthe like the characters in the novel, the great Fields Gerald relieves sexual depression, and what one Stein called "you are all The Lost Generation"... All this is full of excitement and sadness when I recall it 40 years later: "Paris is an old city, but we are very young, and nothing is simple here, even poverty, windfall money, moonlight, yes and Not even the breath of the one who sleeps next to you in the moonlight, is not easy. " Like all of Hemingway's works, "Floating Christmas" is a revenge for reality.Biographer Kenneth S.Lynn comments on this: "Once again he seems to have vanquished his incapacity and anger, banishing them with the magic of writing, and curing them with memories of streets, cafés, food, wine, friends, and wives. . The long hours made Paris from 1921 to 1926 become for him a symbol of who he was in the past." This comment hints at what is truly moving about "A Flowing Hallow".What is really exciting is not Paris, but Hemingway's youth in Paris.I went on to read a 1964 column in the Herald Tribune on "Mobile Festival": "However, although he listed the food, the wine, the streets of Paris one by one ... even in the description, there is an extremely humorous breath, but there is still a style of chaos and death approaching." This sentence finally reveals the core of "Flowing Holy Festival"-the longing for a splendid life when facing death.Paris pales in comparison to youth itself.What moves us in this book is an attitude of looking back at life full of regret and longing.In the slow narrative rhythm, Hemingway mustered his last courage and participated in this thrilling fight.He must use his still-clear brain and still-flexible hands to salvage his dying life.他把每一个青春时的细节都铺展开，希冀它们能滋润已经干涸的身体与灵魂。 我在阅读这本书时，时常会猜想海明威自杀时的情景。在那只12毫米的双管英式猎枪抵住他的嘴时，他眼前闪过的是20年代的巴黎吗?那时候，他从来没有想过自己会衰老吧，那个年轻的美国作家会觉得明天是永远过不完的……青春对于那时候的海明威来说，不过是个习惯式的语态，他可以放肆地挥霍他的时间、才华与精液，还有刻薄…… 这一切对于那个写作《流动的圣节》的已经衰弱之至的顽强老人来讲，具有怎样的诱惑。也只有此时的海明威才能赋予在巴黎的青春以永恒的生命力，没有苍老、衰弱相映衬的青春是缺乏真正触动心灵的力量的。 1918年，19岁的海明威在米兰说：“与其在年老体衰、万念俱灰时死去，还不如在这无不充满幻想的幸福的青年时代死去，让生命在灿烂的光明中消逝。” 40年后，海明威对他的朋友这样讲：“假如你有幸年轻时在巴黎生活过，那么你此后一生中不论去到哪里，她都与你同在，因为巴黎是一个流动的圣节。” 62岁的海明威就带着这个流动的圣节离开了人世。在开枪的刹那间，这个老人的脸上该洋溢着怎样的幸福与欣慰：他又看到了那个无不充满幻想的幸福的青年时代，那时的生命是如此的灿烂光明…… 溶解在香水里的惊心动魄 奥斯卡·王尔德曾经在一篇对话里提到，音乐向我们揭示了我们迄今为止没有经历过的个人往事，促使我们悲叹我们没有遭遇过的不幸和没有犯下的过错。在这位天才诗人看来，每一个跳动的乐符背后，可能都蕴涵了无限丰富的情感与事件。 对于小说的阅读，让我体验到王尔德式的情感，只不过，在这里每一滴香水取代了每一个乐符。在北京有点平庸的春天，这本混合了欲望、罪恶、腐臭当然还有香味的小说，破除了现实与历史、真实与魔幻之间的界限。这是一次惊险而怪异的阅读旅程，我利用鼻子而非通常的眼睛完成了整个过程。小说散发出的诡异味道有效地把我拖人了另一个空间，在这里，我嗅到了18世纪巴黎的味道，少女身上的醇香，罪恶与美丽的完美结合，还有掩藏于每个人体内、随时等待爆发的欲望…… 对于主人公巴蒂斯特·格雷诺耶来讲，这个世界不过是各种气味的混合，而他那灵敏得不可思议的鼻子正是这个王国的主宰者。在现实世界里，他的生活不堪如一只扁虱；而在气味的世界里，他是绝对的贵族。他反抗世界的惟一方式就是对各种气味的占有。 一次偶然，格雷诺耶痴迷上了美丽少女的体香，而永久地占有这种香气的惟一方式，是利用精绝的香水制造技术，将少女的气息牢牢地束缚住。在一座小城里，一连25个美丽的少女，被突然用棍棒打击而死。当全城人都陷入一种令人窒息的恐慌时，香水奇才格雷诺耶不慌不忙地把那可能迅速消失的少女的香气收集起来，制作成香水。他丝毫没有罪恶感，他只知道他需要她们的香气。这些刚刚开放的少女所散发出的卓绝味道，伴随着死亡的到来达到了令人窒息的程度…… 作为阅读者，在一连串谋杀间隙，我在与小城居民陷入同样的恐惧的同时，也陷入了一种强烈的矛盾之中。我在感到恶心与唾弃之余，竟然对于下一桩谋杀，怀有了某种异样的期盼。我的内心深处隐隐地默许着格雷诺耶的做法，因为他正在完成一项前所未有的工作，他在制造着人类历史上空前的香气与美丽……而这种美丽与香气在暴力与恐惧的映衬下，具有惊人的感染力。美丽与邪恶的共生这已经成了人类文化史上永恒的主题。罗伊F．鲍迈斯特尔对此分析道：“邪恶的一个根源就是人类对于理想的不断追逐。当人们坚信他们站在正义一方，而致力于改善世界时，他们经常理所应当地运用强硬的手段来对付反对势力。” 对于很多唯美主义者来讲，美丽是这个世界存在的绝对前提。所以，对于美的理想绝对追逐，就常常转换成一种暴力。对于格雷诺耶来讲，他追逐着这世界至高的香气，因此他获得了藐视生命的特权。如果你耐心地回望整个人类历史的话，你肯定会发现那么多格雷诺耶充斥其中——比如希特勒屠杀犹太人的目的是为了更干净的人种……中描述的不过是将这些情境极端化…… 格雷诺耶在谋杀掉第25个少女之后，终于被抓获了。在即将行刑的时刻，这本诡异的小说终于迎来了它惊心动魄的高潮。当充满仇恨的群众围绕在刑场之时，格雷诺耶悄悄地释放出了他制造的致命的香气。书中开始出现这样的描述：“聚集起来的一万名男女老幼，像被情人的魅力征服的小姑娘那么柔弱。一种强烈爱慕的、温存的、完全幼稚可笑的爱恋突然向他们袭来……他们喜欢他。”接下来的场景是：香气把刑场变成盛大的狂欢，男人与女人在香气的诱惑下，突然放弃了所有的道德观念，他们迫不及待地把刑场变成了一个巨大的露天纵欲场所…… 而我们的受刑人格雷诺耶带着嘲弄式的笑容站在一旁，他是这场戏剧的导演。他终于依靠香味，成功地控制了人群……而如果我们更深入地打量这个怪异的情节，我们会发现，在广场上放纵不过是人的欲望的一次爆发罢了。这些欲望曾经被文明的教养深深地覆盖起来，而香水仅仅充当了诱发这些欲望的诱发剂。 这是一部令人有点恶心的小说，它让我陷入了某种异样。当我的肉体行走在21世纪的北京街头时，我的头脑却停留在18世纪的巴黎。作者帕·聚斯金德说，那时候的巴黎是个充满臭气的地方。在这样一个地方，一个叫格雷诺耶的虚构人物，制造除了震慑人心的香水，在每一滴香水后面可能都隐藏着一个美丽少女的生命，隐藏着一种奇异的味道。 这也是一部有关欲望的小说，如果更深入地考察下去，香水不过是人类潜藏欲望的一种诱发剂。我们使用香水，要么是为了掩藏欲望，要么是为了诱惑欲望。那个格雷诺耶则是利用香水完成他报复整个世界的欲望。我相信，作者想借助这本小说重复弗洛伊德的结论：人们的欲望随时可能冲破文明的束缚，相比于这些被掩藏的欲望，人类的文明是何等脆弱。 , 这个故事有效地挑逗了我的热情。在北京肮脏的地铁里，在人群拥挤的西单街头，当然最重要的还有豪华商场的香水柜台前与散发着浓郁气息的Party里，那个若有若无的格雷诺耶不断地催促着我。他希望我能够攫取那些美丽与香气，希望我发现在每个女人所散发出香气背后所隐藏的故事……我陷入了一种紧张的欲望之中，我沉湎于其中，痛苦并快乐着。 我想我迷上了香水的气息，但是，我却缺乏格雷诺耶的能力。况且这是乏味的现实空间。在空气污浊的写字楼里，我偶然会想起那个生活在16世纪的意大利人毛里蒂乌斯·弗朗吉帕尼，是这个天才偶然发现：香料可以溶解在酒精里。通过把嗅粉同酒精混合，并因而使其香味转到挥发性液体中的方法，使香味从物质中脱离出来，变得生气勃勃。正如帕·聚德斯在中说的：“这是一个划时代的成就。它完全可以同人类最伟大的成就，比如文字与几何学相比。” 这句话在充满丑陋与震惊的全文中，充当了最美妙的音符。在我充满激情地向读者描述了香水中蕴涵的欲望与罪恶后，我想我还应该再次强调香水蕴涵的一个关键点——它为我们提供了反抗现实生活的一种最简洁手段。如果说阅读是通过文字，把我们拽人另个空间的话，香水则是通过他的气息让我们获得同样的效果。我是如此着迷于如下一段描述，它阐明了一个普通人可以通过香水获得的最佳享受： 香水店老板巴尔迪尼在第一次闻到格雷诺耶配置的香水时，他看见自己“躺在一个有黑色卷发的妇女怀里，看到窗台上玫瑰花丛的侧影，一阵夜风吹过窗台；他听到被驱散的鸟儿歌唱，听到远处码头上一家小酒馆传来的音乐；他听到紧贴着耳朵的窃窃私语，他听到'我爱你'，发觉自己由于幸福而毛发直竖，就在现在，在现在这一刻”。 1950年夏天，克鲁亚克在墨西哥城开始了的写作。显然，开端并不令人愉快，严重的痢疾让这个28岁的年轻人的英俊面孔时常扭曲，他需要大量的大麻与吗啡让自己舒服些。我时常怀疑，克鲁亚克是坐在马桶上，用一架丑陋的打字机开始他的灵魂流浪之旅的，而卫生间里是大麻烟的烟雾腾腾。整整的三个星期里，在一张长达250尺的纸卷上，克鲁亚克打出了没有空格、没有楣边甚至没有标点的文字。这种畅快的气势似乎只有痢疾与大麻的共同作用才能带来。 我常觉得，阅读其实是对克鲁亚克的误读。在傍晚，在明亮的灯光下，在温暖的房间里，这些适合阅读的时间与地点正好背离了“在路上”的精神。我宁愿把这本缺乏条理的书看作一本行动指南，它号召着我勇敢地站起来，告别那因为过于熟悉而变得庸常的生活环境，踏上一条不知目标的道路，并在路上达到生命中快乐的巅峰。我始终假想自己在那种环境中阅读它，那是一条在长江上缓慢行驶的轮船，我被拥挤在地下室的一个阴暗的空间里，灯光时明时暗，因为寒冷，我蜷缩在角落里，但我牢牢地抓着这本书。这是个有点怪的场景，它与美国西部那辽阔开放的地带相差甚远，而缓慢的轮船与狄安的每小时90英里的快车也相去甚远。这或许是中国版本的在路上吧。 很显然，主人公狄安是一个注定的流浪者，他的父母在颠簸的车上让他降临到世间，而接着成为一个年轻的囚徒，他必须凭借不断地奔波才能让自己平静下来的人。狄安的野性与自我无疑打破平静生活的尖刀，令人感到无比畅快——“狄安的智慧……更能给人启发，也更为完整，绝不故作斯文，令人乏味。他那种越轨的'劣迹'甚至也并不招致愤懑，被人鄙视。那是美国式的欢乐对人生持肯定态度是情感的疯狂发泄，具有西部特征，犹如西部吹来的狂风，发自西部草原的一曲赞美诗，令人感到清新……”而“我”，萨尔，一个作家，一个在内心深处潜藏着躁动不安气质的家伙，狄安的出现则将这种躁动不可阻挡地激发了出来——于是我们上路了，带着无限的憧憬。那些陌生的地方，陌生的姑娘，陌生的性，未知的冒险，这些或许可以给厌倦的灵魂提供归宿——“在旅途某处，我知道会碰到姑娘，也伴随着幻想，会发生一切的一切；可在途中，我准会大有所获。” 从东部到西部，再从西部到东部，拦住那些呼啸而过的货车、卡车、轿车还有公共汽车。尽管我身无分文，但是我一定要去一个地方，我有体力可以付出。迫不及待地寻找途中的姑娘，或许我们可以相互慰藉，性是如此让人着迷，不是吗?还有那些稀奇古怪的朋友们，我们莫名其妙地碰到了一起，我们都热爱漂泊，因为我们不愿意被束缚起来。丢掉一切无聊的担心，让本能的需要占据我们的心——“迎着社会现实冲刺，渴望面包爱情，不要因为这事或那事而顾虑、担心。” 这极端的放任主义让青年读者们欣喜不已，而疯狂似乎正是战后一代寻求精神安慰的最佳途径，极端的感官刺激不正是帮助我们逃离现实的残酷的最棒的东西吗?这似乎比萨特的悲观论调更来劲。当1957年，出版后，《纽约时报》称之为“垮掉一代”的圣经，而克鲁亚克则是他们的代言人。 克鲁亚克在替谁发言?早在1952年，《纽约时报杂志》就对这一代做了描述：“'垮掉一代'成员个性异常鲜明……他们是在一个令所有人极度不安的糟透了的经济萧条期长大成人的……他们的青春伴随着战争的混乱……他们既有情绪最低沉的时刻，也有情绪最振奋的体验……他们渴望自由，渴望能在和平中生存，然而所有这一切都因为战争而破灭，他们不得不混迹于黑市交易，沉溺于爵士乐、吸毒、性放纵、打零工，醉心于萨特作品。” 追求放纵感官是萨尔们逃避社会不幸的方法。不管是狄安还是萨尔，他们的内心深处都潜藏着对于纯真美好事物的向往。我喜欢萨尔和那个墨西哥姑娘的相爱过程中的纯真，萨尔还会不断地问那些萍水相逢的姑娘：“你想在生活中得到什么?”萨尔接下来的想法让我感动不已，“美国的青年男女一旦有机会在一起时他们真的很悲哀，他们得故作老练，无须在行事前进行任何恰当的交谈就立即沉溺于性爱中。没有温存的交谈——真正发自内心震撼灵魂的绵绵情话，就匆忙做爱了。要知道，生命是神圣的，生命中的每时每刻都弥足珍贵……我渴望到更遥远的地方去寻找我的生命之星。” 当然这些美妙的感觉被在那些路上的冒险所掩盖。他们似乎在通过这些接连不断的性与历险来掩盖这些对于生命的追问。在很多时候，他们对于自己的行为甚至感到动摇，萨尔会说：“他们并不快乐，因为与这个社会格格不入。他们是这样的，仿佛在阴森的石头地窖中生活，现在正走上地面，是卑劣的美国嬉皮士、新出现的垮掉的一代。”而未来呢?真的是“倒霉的日子终将到来，你们攀着的气球，再好也不会不往下落，何况那还是一只莫须有的气球。你们会飘到西海岸，可回来时，就得他妈的狼狈不堪，自讨苦吃。”外表的放荡与内心世界的脆弱就这样奇妙地混合在一起，这或许也是“垮掉一代”最动人之所在。对于生命希望的渴求，让他们不断地在路上。 尽管已经与30年前那一代人紧紧的联系在一起了，但是它肯定还触及了之后一代代青年们共通的情感。即使像我这样的社会主义好青年，我还没有机会成为物欲横流的一代，对于爵士乐也没有多大的兴趣，至今也还不会开车，更没有魄力去打破现实社会的枷锁。但是，狄安、萨尔、邓克尔，这些家伙让我心驰神往，他们体现了反抗生活设置的勇敢，对于希望的追求。而这一点似乎也正是我们所最缺乏的。但同时，我们也是一群虚伪的崇拜者。在路上，除了要蔑视外界给你设定的规范外，还必须勇敢地挣脱出内心世界的软弱与安逸。当我和朋友可以大段大段地背诵书中的章节时，却谁也没有勇气真正体验在路上的感受。我们身上的中庸性，妨碍了我们对于自由、对于生命的极端享受。我们驯化的教育背景，我们生命意志的软弱已经注定了，我们只能在对“在路上”的憧憬中度过青春时光。 放纵的确需要勇气。或许偶尔我们可以在梦中看到自己，在一辆超过100英里的车上，与一个面部模糊的姑娘疯狂做爱，直到第二天需要洗床单为止……当然，我希望在梦醒之后，扪心自问：“我到底需要什么?” 在新书《无知者无畏》的招贴画上，王朔被尴尬地悬挂在那里，除了那张著名的表明不屑的脸以外，他的整个身躯被简化成了一件单薄的T恤衫。这是一本令人失望的书，尽管王朔在其中仍然表现出了令伪善的中国人汗颜的勇敢，但这勇敢却被太多的嘲讽与不恭稀释了。我在阅读这本书时，常常面有难色，我吃惊地意识到，我已经不能再接受那种姿态了。这一点给我带来的冲击远远盖过了王朔给我带来的失望。 那种姿态曾经那么打动过我。高中时，我们最热爱的活动之一就是模仿里的场景。比如，耳朵眼胡同，比如“哥们就爱俗的”……快乐而且过瘾，这是王朔曾经给我的主要印象，他对年少的我是如此亲切。所以，当1995年，那场著名的“人文精神”讨论时，我模糊不清却坚定不移地站到了王朔这一边，我粗暴地认为那些学院派知识分子是一种故作清高。尽管，我从来没有认真读过王朔的任何一部小说。我本能喜欢的，是他的诚实。 5年时间里，我由少年成长为青年，时间给我带来的最大改变是，我开始觉得快乐和过瘾并非是生命的关键。生命中应该有一条更为宽广与缓慢的河流，它的源头联结着历史的深处，缓缓地穿越我的一生，并流向下一个年代。这条河流中蕴集着的是人类一些永恒的情感。对于几代中国人来讲，这条河流曾经被污染过，它曾经被一种虚假的情感所充斥着。而王朔在某个特定的时期，勇敢地指出了这种污染。很可惜，他的方法在杀伤力极强的同时，也带来了无法忽视的副作用。 我成长的历史，也正是不断地发现这种副作用的历史。我越来越无法容忍王朔语气中的嘲讽与故作的不正经。当越来越多的人以一种王朔用腻的腔调来呼吁王朔不要假正经时，我希望王朔正经起来。不管是《我看金庸》还是《我看王朔》，王朔的真诚与严肃，都被过于玩世的语言所削弱。而当我目睹了参与这场混战的人群的素质之低时，我越来越意识到，我们需要的已经不再是嘲讽，而是深沉的建设了。 至少，我想先建设自己。从1995年到今天，我的身体膨胀了10公分，也因此，我越发清晰地感受到，我体内精神资源的稀缺，体内那条河流的狭窄。所以，我开始阅读一直忽略的古典作品。那些严肃而深沉的文字与情感在我23岁这一年，突然变得亲切无比。它们给我提供了一个如此广阔的境界，它们没有给我带来笑声，却不断地让我投入到一种心灵的激情之中……《无知者无畏》让我清晰地感受到，我欣赏趣味的逆转。两种说法可以解释我的现状，一种是，我在变得保守，变得自以为是的崇高；另一种说法是，我正在度过青春的浮躁期，我达到了一种更高的情感层次。我选择了后者，尽管这要冒被别人嘲笑的危险。