Chapter 18 4.

4. I used to think there was a switch in our bodies, when the switch was turned on, the sad things were forgotten along with the best times.Actually no, even if there is such a switch, there is nothing really worth using such a switch, so it is just time, time passes and we forget.When I was in love, I always thought that forgetting was a very cruel and painful thing. In fact, it doesn't matter if I really forget.I slowly forgot the 9th Helen Library administrator basketball boy at the beginning of love boyfriend and so on. Later, I even slowly forgot about love and forgot my heart.All of them have become such vague and insignificant people.Those moments of heart-piercing and wailing, they once gave me hope, but then the hope was gone, even the hope of hope was gone.Every time I forget about them a little bit of hope is taken away and I gradually become the adult I am now.I don't believe that I have become an adult at all.How did I become an adult?I still can't believe it after all this time.

I erased too much, and then stubbornly live in the memories that have been tampered with by myself, just like the little girl who sat in the dark room in the typhoon season afternoon and waited for the sky outside the skylight to clear up, and Lin Yueyuan was still there. There.Many times I think that I am not afraid, not afraid of losing love, not afraid of being forgotten because Lin Yueyuan is really still there. At the age of twelve, on the embankment of the Suzhou River at dusk in summer, he was running to high places behind Astro Boy, wearing boxer shorts and with his sun-tanned knees naked.The way he ran wildly and freely with his feet scattered, his undeveloped slender boy's body, his slightly hunched shoulders.What I can never forget is that he is still running there, and one day I met him in front of the Xinhua Bookstore in Jing'an Temple. He and his grandfather bought the farewell album "Goodbye" of the Little Tigers together.When he saw me across the road, he desperately threw his hands at me and yelled.The way he smiled, the way he smiled was really the kind of sunny day that the end of the world doesn't matter, as if the plane trees fell one after another, and then a certain sky brightened up in an instant.I have that tape too, and I have "Green Apple Paradise" and .We all used to love the Little Tigers so much that we tried our best to learn the sign language movements in it during recess.We should be two people who grew up together, we should ride to school together, go swimming in the open-air swimming pool in summer together, and smoke our first cigarette together on the rainy road late at night in winter.We should be the two of our childhood sweethearts, why did he really run farther and farther that summer?Why have you kept me in the dark since then?I know and admit that I've been living in those fantasies, and sometimes it's a brutal thing.That's why I always look different, and that's why you can spot me in a crowd.So stop blaming me for this, y'all move on, and just leave me here.You too, when you don’t have me, you will quickly adapt to life without me. You still go out to work every evening by bicycle, get up in the morning to dry clothes, and go drinking and singing with friends on weekends.You'll still fall in love and get married.You will still forget me, maybe think of me in the foggy and cold season, but you will not be sad.As for me, it is impossible for me to lose you, just like it is impossible for me to lose Lin Yueyuan.Without you, you are still vivid in my memory.I always remember the shoes you wore, the splits on your nails, it's no different from when I was with you.I may never be able to fall in love with Lin Yueyuan again, or I may not be able to fall in love with you again, but it doesn't matter.do you know?It really doesn't matter.

If only I could love you from the beginning.