Chapter 16 2.

2. "Hey, that person is staring at you again." "Don't talk nonsense." "Really, he's been looking at you." Helen sat beside Sansan, with her small and soft arms resting on Sansan's shoulders, carelessly flicking the light peach nail polish that had almost fallen off. It was Monday, and as usual, school uniforms were required at the flag-raising ceremony.But they have all been hanging out in this small school for five years, and the dean with many black wire hairpins in their hair knows them, especially Helen, because she always has a short hair because she doesn't wear the school badge or has a perm. Her curly hair was dragged into the office by the dean to have a conversation, so even on Monday she didn't wear that ugly school uniform properly.

"You know what? My boobs don't even fit in that damn shirt anymore," she said. "Do they want me to unbutton my morning exercises? God knows, I still Lead operator, that skirt is too short for me to wear. I wonder if the boys in the back are so happy when doing squats because they can see my underwear." After high school, everyone was never required to wear a full school uniform, so Helen only wore a bow tie every time the flag-raising ceremony was held.But Sansan was still wearing it rigidly inside his buttoned shirt.Her breasts seemed to be just beginning to develop.All the other girls were already wearing bras, but she was just wearing an ugly cotton camisole.The two of them sat and talked by the flower bed next to the playground during the break between physical education classes.The older Sansan was, the more she envied girls like Helen.She is not very good-looking, with slender eyes, and a little baby fat on her face and arms, but she knows how to hide her eyebrows one by one with the eyebrow plucking pliers in history class, hiding behind the tall boy in the front row, Leaning unconsciously on the boys' arms while talking to them.So every time there was a typhoon in summer and the school gate flooded, the boys would always scramble to carry Helen, who was barefoot and carrying shoes, out of the school gate with bicycles.Sansan kept a serious face, wading into the cold and dirty stagnant water by himself.The accumulated water often covered the calves, she didn't care and didn't care.As a child, she spent countless summers in these stagnant waters that could not be drained into the pipes in time.Those noises and screams seemed to have nothing to do with her, and she didn't want to be caught by Helen who was yelling on the back seat of the bicycle.

It's not like she didn't think about being a girly girl like Helen.She liked Helen's little tricks.Helen often rubbed her soft curly hair on Sansan's arm, or hugged Sansan's waist from the side and back.But Sansan couldn't do this at all, she couldn't act like a baby like other girls, she was as stiff as a clumsy bear.Before the start of this semester, Sansan also begged her mother to take her to the newly opened Huating Eastan on Huaihai Road, where all the girls in the dance team in the class went to buy skirts and jeans.Excitedly, she transferred cars twice with her mother one night and got there. When she walked into the bright hall, there was a pungent smell of perfume mixed with air-conditioning, and she couldn't help but shyly lowered her head and sneezed twice.This brilliance made her shy and uneasy.She deliberately stayed away from the beautiful skirts that caught her eyes, and her ugly sneakers stepped on the overly smooth glass floor. She was really worried that a rough girl like herself would break the glass.What's worse is that she still wears a pair of terrible short-sighted glasses with plastic frames. The temple of the right eye is broken, because Mom has never had time to accompany her to change it, so she puts it on a piece of adhesive plaster like those old women. Glue it back together.It made her look even more stupid, not daring to look in the mirror at all.However, the joy in my heart is still full of joy.Until when she was getting on the elevator, her mother suddenly grabbed her arm from behind and pulled her back fiercely, then reproached her softly in a low voice: "Why are you so confused? You don't even know you're on your period!" Sansan was surprised Turning her head around, she saw a bloodstain that had just been stained on the back of her best-looking light-colored dress.She wore this skirt on purpose, so short that her calves and knees were exposed, and she was carrying a cheap but shiny fake patent leather purse, thinking that at least someone would think she looked good.But now, it seems that everyone on Huaihai Road knows that she is a messy idiot who runs around while on her period.Sansan was almost about to cry, but she used her hands and arms to cover her face indiscriminately, begging her mother in a low voice to call a taxi and run home quickly.Her first attempt to be a girl was dealt a fatal blow.Sitting in the taxi, she felt that the blood in her body was continuously flowing out.She turned sadly and looked out the window. Those huge neon signs, those girls crossing the road arm in arm, were so beautiful.Sansan sat silently, thinking worriedly that the blood must not flow shamefully onto the car seat.

Sansan smelled the coconut-flavored shampoo on Helen's hair.She always had weird things that her aunts brought back for her from Hong Kong, like those nice tight Apple jeans or those chunky knit turtleneck white sweaters.Sansan listened to her talk but didn't dare to look back at the boy who was staring at her from the other side of the playground.Of course she knew this boy, the tallest and thinnest one in the senior class next door, the setter of the volleyball team, always wearing dark red sports shorts and a white sweatshirt with the Arabic numeral nine printed on the back, so Helen always Jokingly called him No. 9 Magan behind his back, or No. 9 for short.It seems that except for the volleyball team training at 4 pm every Tuesday and Thursday, he is rarely seen mixing with other boys.Sansan could run into him almost every day on the way to school.He always emerges suddenly from some small road beside Xinzha Road, and then rides in front of Sansan unhurriedly.He has a dark blue Giant bicycle, the schoolbag rack behind the buttocks has been broken, and the two brakes are also broken. When he hits a red light, the soles of his running shoes will be rubbed on the ground, and the bike is crooked. The ground always rushed forward as if to fall to the ground, and then he planted his right foot on the ground.Sometimes he would look back at Sansan, but he didn't smile, he just wanted to put on a cold look.Sansan doesn’t dislike him, in fact, she’s quite used to following him every crowded and noisy morning, desperately pressing the dumb bell on the handle, crossing those dilapidated roads and small roads effortlessly , passing the flying catkins falling from the plane trees and the old bungalows flying past on both sides, panting and rushing into the school gate before the school's morning exercise bell rang.

Everyone in his class and her class actually knew that he liked her.Every time when she passed by his classroom during recess, the boys in the row by the window would vigorously slap on the window and shout his name, but she could only quickly run past the damned passage with her head down and her face red. corridor.When running around the playground in PE class, she always felt the eyes of those volleyball courts pricking her back like needles, making her almost trip over her shoelaces.She was still so afraid of attracting attention, because she couldn't grow into a pretty girl no matter what.She tried not to wear the broken pair of glasses, and tried to hold her head high when she walked.But how could there be a boy who really likes her?Too often, the girls from the next class who suddenly sneered and winked in the corridor, or the boys whistling on the playground, would only make her feel teased and insulted.She often felt like the little girl who had chewed gum in her hair and didn't know it.All of them just want to see her jokes.But she kept bumping into Number Nine, as if he was everywhere in school.When get out of class was over, he would fetch hot water next to the warm water bucket at the end of the corridor. During lunch, he would line up at the window where the meal was received. At the sports meeting, he would sleep sprawled on the lawn after running 1,000 meters.Best of all, he wasn't ugly at all.When school was over, he rode his bicycle around the cinder track in the playground, his thin shoulders shrugged like many young boys, and the hair that grew beyond his eyebrows was blown back by the wind.

Sansan bit her lips, clutched her schoolbag and walked quickly, said to herself, "They're all just teasing you." That day after school was cleaning, Sansan was squatting on the window sill wiping the glass with a ball of waste newspapers in her hand, when she suddenly heard a burst of harsh laughter from the door.Across the dusty classroom, she saw the familiar and eye-catching tall and thin No. 9 standing there, and she was so nervous that she almost fell off the window sill into the flower bed below.Everyone in the class stopped the brooms and rags in their hands and stared at Sansan.She was ashamed, and only heard a few boys say strangely: "Xu Jialiang, your boyfriend is here to look for you." Angrily, she threw the smelly and dirty rag at them, causing There was a louder laugh.She walked towards No. 9, still wearing glasses, wearing the bad tracksuit she didn't take off during the physical education class, but she felt as if she was stepping on cotton every step of the short distance, and she was so nervous that her mouth was dry.This was the first time she stood in front of him so close, which made him look strange instead.They were both stiff as wooden figures, and she saw only one of his eyebrows twitching constantly, and her teeth were obviously chattering when she spoke.

"What are you doing?" She held back for a long time before she could say such rude and funny words. "I have something for you." Number Nine wanted to get something out of the bag, but the zipper of his bag got stuck, so he put his knees on the wall and patiently tried to pull the cloth out of the zipper.Sansan stood beside him and watched his little movements, the layer of fine fluff on the back of his neck, the adhesive tape on his left index finger, the key chain hanging on his jeans. Suddenly he said despondently, "Damn it." She smiled, and then he pulled his schoolbag and said seriously: "Ah, so you can laugh."

She was no longer nervous, but her smile also shrunk back more than half, and she became the girl with a straight face again.A classmate who was sweeping the floor poured a large basin of tap water on the floor, and all the dust that had risen up was suppressed immediately, and a wet mist with the smell of dust and grass permeated around the desks and chairs in the evening.She always likes the quiet smell in the school.She poked at the hole in the wall with her fingers, waiting for him to take something out of his schoolbag.The result was a school-folk tape with a black cover, the edges frayed to white.Three Three took the tape from Number Nine.This was the first time they spoke, but then they probably never really spoke again.She doesn't dislike him at all.She hated most of the boys at school, but she didn't hate him at all.She just wanted to laugh when he was swearing.During the sports meeting, she sat on the high stands and looked at No. 9 who was sitting on the lawn and doing stretching exercises before the game.He was looking around blindly in those purple sweatpants.She felt that he was looking for her, but at the same time felt that she was a little self-indulgent.She grinned at him, thinking he couldn't see it anyway.

Helen suddenly slapped her on the side and said, "Why are you grinning again?" That night she lay in bed listening to tapes on an old Walkman.She can still recite all the lyrics of that song. "The morning light shines on the clear water, and the small river flows quietly by the trees. A few beautiful fishes are swimming happily among the pebbles. Lots of green grass with dewdrops covering the trees The color of the earth." Why did he burst into tears? "The tree is so lush, but there has never been a nest of cicadas or caterpillars." She still remembered that night when the tape was spinning and creaking, and she cried silently, but all she remembered was that she was still the same The memories of being a lame girl with a plaster cast, the gemstone flowers blooming in Yan’s house, the smell of bleach in the swimming pool, and the shaving booth under the plane tree at the door.But where did Lin Yueyuan go?How can a person just disappear without a trace?It was as if he had been erased from memory after that disastrous summer evening.Why had he never written to her until now?There was no way they would ever find each other again.She tried to write a letter to the foreign language school, but never sent it.What if I send it out?He doesn't like her anymore, maybe he never liked her, it's all her self-indulgence.No boy would really like a girl like her.None of them could have had such long patience, and none of them would have been patient with her at all.But where is Lin Yueyuan?What kind of boy has he grown into?Did you join the basketball team or the swimming team?He must have had a girlfriend too.Sansan couldn't think about it anymore, she was extremely depressed, but the years behind that layer of fog seemed to shine brighter and brighter.The skeleton in the natural knowledge classroom, the water-filled slide in the children's paradise, it is said that it is the morning of going to class holding hands and nibbling a bag of soy milk...but they are always too forgetful, they stride forward and walk too far quick.They probably really didn't want to stop and listen to her a few words anymore.But why promise, why cheat?Why give her those beautiful visions and then disappear completely?Why is it so easy for them to forget?

Why can you really forget me? The next day, she saw No. 9 in the corridor, but she grabbed Helen's clothes and walked quickly past him, her eyes passed by his side, and she walked towards a window at the end of the corridor that could see the volleyball court. She knew she was stupid, because she still believed in what she believed in when she was twelve years old: if she lost Lin Yueyuan, then everything about her would be meaningless.It doesn't matter whether she goes to a key middle school, whether she wears a beautiful dress or whether she likes a boy, it's as if she didn't learn to swim in the summers before she was twelve, and she will always be a water jerk The coward who gripped the poolside tiles in fear.Why is it always suddenly seized by fear?His eyes were black, he couldn't move, his hands and feet were numb as if his head was completely submerged in water, but he coughed desperately but could only spit out two mouthfuls of saliva?On several occasions, she nearly fainted while walking up the stairs at school.The teacher in the infirmary said: "You girls only know how to be thin. Of course, you will not be able to support it if you are bleeding during menstruation." She knew that she was not the kind of weak girl, but she couldn't be as thin as an ordinary girl Love with confidence and boldness.She was bewildered, and there was no courage in her body.She will always be a disabled girl.

"Hey, have you listened to that tape?" No. 9 asked loudly behind her, and Sansan turned into the toilet as if fleeing. "You are the most ruthless person I have ever met. Any boy who likes you must die a miserable death." Helen said with a smile in the toilet cubicle. Sansan just squatted silently and stared at the graffiti on the door with pencils and ballpoint pens.She didn't think they would understand her at all.Her emotions are full, just like those gemstone flowers that grow overripe in summer, they are full of juice, but they can't see it. This was her middle school days, but it wasn't really a total nightmare either.Because of the school's enrollment expansion, their classroom was converted from an old music lecture hall.The fifth floor is covered with polished fine wood flooring, and the blackboard is also an old green magnetic blackboard, on which there are still white staves whose color has not completely faded.On the walls of the peeling pale green paint were printed portraits of some musicians, facing the pale and thin Chopin next to the third seat.There is a large open space at the back of the classroom, which is piled with debris from the music classroom in the past. It is often possible to dig out broken bronze drums, broken drumsticks, and performance costumes worn by the chorus in the past.Those red silk things were crowded with cobwebs and dust in a tattered cardboard box.Later, she once saw a documentary about middle school students in Shanghai. On the playground in the early morning, those children in dark school uniforms who had not slept enough huddled together, shaking their thin arms and legs perfunctorily, which looked ugly , while the ear-drums were beating on the eardrums of unknown radio gymnastics music coming from the ear-piercing tweeter. In fact, things are not so bad, because not all students in key middle schools are stupid and nerdy.There is a very old observatory in their school, and their school is the first school with an observatory in Shanghai.In fact, there are no stars or moons at all, but in the physics class a few years ago, the teacher took them here to see the astronomical telescope.When Sansan stood up, he saw a few orange-red tiles and two rotten aloes on the roof far away, all of which were upside down.Later, this observatory was gradually forgotten by the teachers. Some senior male students broke the iron chain that locked the door with pliers. After that, they sneaked there every day at noon to smoke. What program is playing on the TV at home, and the popular cigarettes among middle school boys at that time were "Liangyou" and "Hilton".At the back door of the school there is a game machine room in the courtyard of a family. There is a shed outside. A sycamore tree with luxuriant branches stabs obliquely across the roof, and half of the leaves hang down on several game machines.When the dean has nothing to do or has a whim, he will go there to catch his students.As soon as the proprietress reported the letter, those boys who didn't even have time to put on their schoolbags ran away one after another.Although hair perm is prohibited in school, girls still try their best to curl their hair. The secret is to sleep with braids at night. In the morning, after loosening the braids and applying some mother's styling water, the hair will become big waves. .At that time, it was popular for girls in the upper grades to blow their bangs high with hair barrels, wear short jackets over colored sweaters that reached their thighs, and wear thick colored socks and sneakers outside black elastic leggings.When school is over, there will be a row of boys from the vocational school and technical secondary school next door. Some of them have long hair covering their eyes, very much like those bad guys in the movie.When the female students passed by them, they all walked away quickly with lowered eyebrows, but they couldn't help but look at them more curiously.Those as bold as Helen would proudly walk past them amidst their whistles in tight jeans and a high-waisted sweater, and would point the flushed Sansan to the most handsome guy on a scooter and ask, "What do you think he is?" Will they really kill people? If they really can kill people, it would be too romantic." As for Sansan, she is just the most unknown girl in this school, and she wears a pair of plastic-rimmed glasses in get out of class , when class was over, holding a stack of homework in his hand, he walked through the crowded corridor to the teacher's office to hand in his homework. He was neither a class leader nor a member of the dance team or the track and field team.At that time, the most popular girls in the school were all in the dance team or the track and field team, because the girls in the dance team had a repertoire of performing aerobics in tights during the annual art festival, and the girls in the track and field team often wore corsets after school. Long braids, training on the playground in shorts.Almost no one would really pay attention to Sansan.She sits in the second-to-last row, and she can always get away with being asked questions by the teacher. Her grades are not bad, and she is the representative of the Chinese class. She is occasionally called to the podium to stammer and read the text aloud.No one knew that she was the notorious girl in elementary school. Even a few years after she graduated, the principal of the elementary school and the old doorman still remembered this girl who lived next door to the school and was often locked up with Astro Boy. Don't let them find out, don't let them expose themselves. At the age of fourteen, she quit the Young Pioneers.While standing in the martyrs cemetery and listening to the "Young Pioneer Team Song" played by the loudspeaker, she suddenly remembered the red scarf that was once strangled around the neck of the repeat student, and then the red scarf was taken off from the neck.Someone was reciting hymns through the ear-piercing speakers, but Sansan only felt that the final weapon had been handed over.All the evidence and memories related to the past have been destroyed, but why do you feel so weak and powerless?It was as if they had both been declared one step closer to adulthood, while some part of her was condemned to death.Those things died along with the memories related to Astro Boy. But none of this can be told to No. 9, because she swore it, because she swore it. Nine soon had a girlfriend. Helen said: "He's doing it purely to irritate you. Those boys are rotten." But Sansan felt that at least number nine was not as bad as Helen said.She didn't tell Helen that No. 9 secretly stuffed a whole set of old "Up and Down Five Thousand Years" and a pirated VCD of the movie in her desk before that.They were about to be divided into classes that semester, and he didn't know where he found out that Sansan planned to choose history to continue his studies. It was because Sansan mentioned in a piece of dried tofu article in the school newspaper that he wanted to find this movie. Look.At that time, there were no DVDs, and it was very difficult to find unpopular movies like this. I don't know where No. 9 found them for her.She didn't dare to ask, and silently put all these things into her schoolbag, but when she met him in the corridor, she turned around and ran away with a slapped face, as if her dislike for him was completely written on her face superior.She figured out his course of action, and she never went to the volleyball court when the volleyball team practiced on Tuesdays and Thursdays.She lingered in the classroom during lunch, until she saw that he had finished eating from the cafeteria, walked back to the classroom with an enamel rice bowl through the small garden full of winter jasmine, and then dragged his feet with a spoon in the water. After rinsing the side of the bucket, Sansan hurried to the cafeteria to get a bowl of cold borscht.She didn't want to talk about this with Helen, and she almost kept secret about Number Nine.These are her secrets.But her secrets kept piling up, like those dark circles under her eyes from doing math problems and not listening to the radio were all her goddamn secrets. That night, when Sansan finished publishing the blackboard newspaper and walked out of the classroom, the sky was already completely dark, and in the darkness of the playground in the distance, there was still the dull sound of a basketball hitting the concrete floor hard.She always liked it at the end of the evening.Except for those who secretly fell in love, everyone in the school has left.Iron locks are hung on the glass doors of the library, and the skeletons in the biology laboratory are quietly covered with blue curtains.The old man at the gate had already locked the gate. He was sitting on a broken stool reading Xinmin Evening News by an energy-saving lamp.Sansan never expected that No. 9 was still waiting in the carport.He sat on the back seat of his battered bicycle, his spindly legs propped loosely on the floor.Although she didn't wear glasses, she knew it was him from a distance, because she knew him so well.With so many people on the playground, she could tell at a glance which corner he was tying his shoes, and if she deliberately looked into the glass window when walking past their classroom, she would definitely see him exactly.She seemed to have installed a radar capable of detecting him.Sansan squeezed the car keys in her hand, and hugged her schoolbag tightly in her arms.She didn't speak to him, but put her schoolbag into the car basket swiftly, fumbled for the keyhole to unlock it, but her fingers visibly shook so badly that she almost dropped the key on the ground. At this time, Number Nine came to her side.She could feel the same tense and trembling body behind her, mixed with the cold air of the warm and cold night, the smell of dust and the leather smell of leaking volleyballs piled up in the sports room, Sansan At that point it was almost a surrender.But she didn't dare to look back, she didn't know what to do, so she could only continue to fumble for the damned rusted bicycle keyhole.She was bent over, holding a schoolbag that was too heavy and almost bursting in her arms, like a hunchbacked idiot who could only study, an idiot who should be hated, an idiot who would only ruin those good times forever An idiot who won't grow up.She hated herself for not even having the courage the size of a fingernail.Suddenly, Number Nine let out a dull howl.At this moment, Sansan heard a loud noise behind her, she was so startled that she shivered violently, and shrank her shoulders.No. 9 kicked down the whole row of unclaimed bicycles in the car shed, which were piled up at will and were about to become scrap metal. Rusty bells and crooked tires groaned on the ground. Squeeze together.Sansan was dumbfounded watching all this, only to hear the old doorman knocking on the enamel teacup far away and shouting all the way towards here.Dead No. 9 bit his lip, his entire face twisted into a completely unfamiliar look.For a moment, Sansan felt that he was about to cry.He hated her, and she knew he hated her to death, just like Astro Boy's fierce and blind eyes when he threw his schoolbag towards her in the snow.But what is she going to say?In a hurry, the bicycle lock has been opened with a click.She turned her head and pushed the car away.She was afraid that he would run over and grab her faucet or take her arm.She wants nothing but escape.Her legs were trembling, her bruised ankle ached in the damp early spring air.When she got on the bicycle, her thigh slammed against the protruding iron fence next to her. The pain caused her to burst into tears in an instant in the dark carport. As a result, a large black bruise appeared from her crotch to her thigh. No. 9 yelled from behind with the broken voice of an adolescent boy: "Are you going to never talk to me again?" "Xu Jialiang, count yourself as cruel!" That day, Sansan blindly rode his bicycle into the traffic flow of Xinzha Road when he turned from Xiaoma Road.There was a cold spring rain in the sky, even though I was wearing a half wool glove, my entire finger was still stinging from the cold, tears kept falling like a broken faucet, my clothes and hair were covered with fine rain beads.I had a girlfriend on the ninth of the second week.That girl was a transfer student from Singapore in their class. She was so petite that she only reached No. 9's shoulders, and her pale skin was covered with a layer of transparent freckles. Helen made a fuss and screamed on the phone: "I saw the two of them when I was driving on Huaihai Road. That girl put her hand in his jacket pocket. I don't know what kind of shit luck that guy has. That girl It looks good as hell." Sansan held the microphone some distance away from her ears and could still hear her high-decibel voice talking excitedly.At that time, she couldn't remember what number nine looked like.He has an overly straight nose and light brown skin.He habitually shrugged his shoulders when he walked, like the very popular No. 5 of the Shanghai Shenhua team at that time.How could a boy like him really like her?They simply will not have enough love and patience with her, they will all disappear without a trace.What happened in the carport that night is like a dream in my memory, and I can’t really put it together, and the big bruise on the thigh first overflowed with many purple blood spots, which were too glaring on the white thigh, and then the internal bleeding Small wounds are slowly healing from the edges.When she took a shower, she couldn't help but wipe the big bruise with a sponge soaked in soap foam. In the steam, it looked like dirty things sticking to the skin.She really stopped talking to Number Nine because she was too ashamed, ashamed of her cowardice and loss of all courage, ashamed that she was really a girl who could only look backwards.That ship of hers would never set sail.They didn't understand that she couldn't take a step forward, they didn't understand that she needed so much more love than anyone else.They will only hate her, and in the end they will walk forward in unison, and maybe they will turn around and question her: Do you think you can really be an unscrupulous little girl forever?Do you think the world will really forgive you? On that terrible morning, Sansan dreamed that Lin Yueyuan was dead.In the dream, she and Lin Yueyuan were classmates in high school, but when she went to class that morning, she saw a pot of red bunches brought out from the flower bed, soil dregs and fallen leaves on his desk. The rotten leaves all fell on the table.In her dream, she clearly knew that this was the scene where the female Fujii tree smashed flowerpots in the classroom when the male Fujii tree transferred to another school and left.But even in her dream, she just sat in the back row obediently and stared at the nearly withered bunch of red.The teacher walked in suddenly and said, "Student Lin Yueyuan will not come back to class again, he is dead." Then the whole class started screaming and stamping their feet.She remembered that she was walking on Wanhangdu Road afterwards, and the words that kept lingering in her mind were repeated over and over again: You will never see Lin Yueyuan again, and you will never pass papers to him in the general knowledge class You will never wait for his phone call and you will never see him grow up again.But how could he just die like this?Got the yellow Giant bike you've been wanting since you were twelve?How could it be possible to never see him again?They agreed to buy a bicycle and ride to the beach at Wusongkou together. They lay down on the map and marked the road map during the general knowledge class. How could they not see what he looks like when he grows up?She was almost eighteen years old, and Wanhangdu Road had been demolished beyond recognition.Even in the dream, the scene was still preserved there, the roses were lush, and there were large branches of peonies dripping with dew protruding from the wall.She even walked past the vegetable market in front of her house, crying while seeing that the fish sold in those stalls were all dead, the fish with their white bellies lying in the muddy water, and the rotten pork belly exuding a foul smell , cabbage leaves stuck to the dirty ground.At this time, she began to cry, as if she had suddenly accepted the lie about Lin Yueyuan's death.The strength of this grief was unexpectedly strong, and it almost broke her body.But why no tears?She had never been so sad, never cried so unscrupulously on the road, but she couldn't shed tears, as if the tears had been overdrawn long ago.She forgot that it was a dream, and cried so hard that her heart was completely shattered like the smashed blue ceramic pig.Until she woke up suddenly, the feeling of fear and dread disappeared instantly, but the great sadness still pressed her tightly like a ghost, making her unable to move, the corners of her eyes were a little wet but really nothing tears.Through the curtains, she saw that it was already red in the morning outside, and the light of the fluorescent lamp was shining through the crack of the door.Mom has got up, and there is such a real sound of rushing water in the kitchen.A moment later the radio was switched on, too, and there was the sound of crappy music before the morning news.The scenes in the dream that were clear enough to be touched just faded away, as if the memory had been decisively pressed the clear button again.The world that only belongs to North Shaanxi Road gradually became clear.Someone started walking on the stairs.She opened the window with her toe, and the cold wind blew in, and suddenly the sadness was gone. It's a secret.Why is she always holding back and always saying no?Why is she at ease?Because she thought that Lin Yueyuan would never die, he would only die in a dream, and such a terrible dream is always opposite to the reality, he died a hundred times in the dream, so in reality he will definitely die silently. grown up.She must meet him somewhere.She has plenty of time to consume and wait.Sansan never told anyone this, they wouldn't believe it, they wouldn't believe that there are people who are stupid enough to still like a boy at the age of thirteen, even she herself doesn't quite believe it.But why is it so sad, crying, and out of breath in the dream?Is this love?Why was love so difficult for her? Sansan climbed out of the bed sleepily, sat in the dark kitchen, stuffed vegetables, mushrooms, and steamed buns that were hard to swallow, and then stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, twisting her arms behind her back and braiding her hair.In the mirror, the girl who was half grown up and doing nothing, always had a blind and indifferent face.Later, she never showed any boyfriend the photos in her high school yearbook, which contained photos of her third and third years of junior high school.Because she refused to ask her mother to ask her to go to the barber shop to cut her hair, and she didn't want her mother to stand in the patio and use scissors to deal with her braids casually. When she graduated from high school, her hair had grown to her waist and was jet black.During the long-distance running, she felt that this hair would push her into the track, and she would never recover.照片里她穿着有大人物来访时必须穿的校服裙子并且打着领结，嘴巴奇怪地嘟着，一副永远不会满意的讨厌模样。她不愿意给任何人看这些照片，就好像她分明已经错过了那么多，却依然死不悔改地不愿意时光倒流。小的时候她盼望长大成人，哪怕是与他们一样变成麻木的大人，但是长大以后她又痛心疾首地害怕起来。这些全都没有用，时间已经过去了，而如果时光倒流的话又会怎么样？时光倒流她也无非是再一次重蹈覆辙，再来，再来，再怎么来结果都是一样的。她把毕业纪念册死死地攥在手心里，但是过去的岁月是没有办法抹去的，就好像那张她一直想要毁掉的身份证上十六岁时拍的照片。但是，她却总是记得那天啊！十六岁的夏天里她穿着一条灰色的格子裙子骑自行车去最近的派出所门口排队，她等了大约二十分钟，还在队伍里碰到几个同班的男同学正在打打闹闹，她别过脸去假装没有看到他们。然后，在狭窄并且散发着一股刺鼻厕所气味的走廊里，她对着一面镜子用很多人用过的断了齿的木梳整理了自己的头发，把头发全都拢到耳朵后面去，露出整个宽阔的额头来，又理了理连衣裙的领子。这样，破烂的镜子里面她看起来完全是一个严肃又悲情的女中学生。最后她坐在照相机前的凳子上，局促不安，被摄影师指挥着把头抬起来一点点，再抬起来一点点，脸往左边侧一点，肩膀再放低一点。等到闪光灯闪了，她的十六岁就被定格成了身份证上一张模糊的黑白照片。那些时光已经死掉了，可是这样多的时间过去了，越往下走，她的东西就越是旧的。她喜欢的是旧的，她爱的是旧的。让她神魂颠倒，反复动心，永不死心，死而复生，复又死，复又生的东西总是那些旧的，她也不知道该怎么办。