Chapter 14 13.

13. In fact, so many summers have passed, and Shanghai always seems to be like this. There are always half-built high-rise buildings, and those green scaffolding are erected in the middle of the high-rise buildings.However, when I was twelve years old, the water in Suzhou Creek was still so viscous that it was as black as tar.When Sansan and her mother took the 21st bus to go to her grandmother's house on Sichuan North Road, she could always smell the sticky smell from a long distance, so her nerves became excited, because there was a smell in her grandmother's house. A few cousins ​​were there, and maybe a bowl of sweet and sour short ribs and a few chocolates from abroad.It was also summer, and in summer the whole of Shanghai was shrouded in the smell of Suzhou Creek.In the summer of that year, because of graduation exams, my mother took Sansan on a bicycle for a long distance to the cram school.Walking along the embankment of Suzhou Creek, there are shantytowns on the side. Children bathe with a rubber tube on the side of the road, and the smell of soap mixed with river water is everywhere.And when I came back at night, there were puddles everywhere on the ground, and there were dark bats flying at low altitude above my head.Sansan was always very scared, shrunk her shoulders and closed her eyes, feeling in the dark that this was a never-ending road.She prayed silently that no rats would burst out of the bank, and luckily Mom was strong.She longed for one day to become as strong as her mother, who never seemed to be afraid or shed tears, and led Sansan to ride slowly along the dark and terrifying Suzhou River, uphill and downhill.When can I become a woman like my mother, so calm and invincible?The whole of Shanghai has been a big construction site since then. The gray viaduct was slowly erected overhead, and the towering concrete piers stood in the middle of the road. Those scaffolding seemed to be preparing for a huge trick.She walked in this dusty place every day, and she seemed to be used to the sound of pile drivers everywhere, and the huge concrete mixer truck rampaging on the road in the middle of the night.She grew up crazily along with the city.Because she grows fast, she is always hungry, but a girl with weak bones has to eat a lot of things.In fact, that period of time was truly depressed.Sansan looked in the mirror, her bones were growing crazily, as if they were going to pierce the thin skin, wearing shorts, exposing the slender joints that could hardly support her body.She was very worried. The book said that a girl would not be shaped until she was twenty years old. If she continued to grow at a rate of five centimeters per year, then by the time she was twenty, she would have grown into a monster.A monster, the thought made her knees shake.She must find a way to stop all this, but she still dreams every day that she is holding an orange kerosene lamp in her hand, walking on the stairs of Wanhangdu Road, and her feet fall off the ground as she walks. Down, as if sitting on a pirate ship.

One afternoon in that last summer, they made an appointment to go swimming together.Sansan, Lin Yueyuan and Astro Boy, indeed for a while this strange combination often played together, and most of the content was wandering aimlessly around Wanhangdu Road in Jing'an Temple and the small road near Yan's house , When the feet are exhausted, everyone spends money to buy two cups of mung bean or orange smoothies and sits on the edge of the flower bed and drinks them together.But who remembered that swim?Sansan didn't know it all the time, sometimes the two of them seemed to have a secret in their hearts and wanted to hide something from her on purpose.It's hard to imagine that the two of them would become friends, but they were probably the only two boys in the school who dared to climb the chimney of the old factory building in Yan's house.The chimney has been in disrepair for a long time, and the iron nails on the escalator are rusted as if they will bounce off it at any time, and the grip of the escalator is loose, and it seems that the whole chimney is shaking when you step on it, but these two are sometimes so stupid The terrible boy actually scrambled to climb up.Astro Boy crawled ahead like a monkey, and Lin Yueyuan showed no sign of weakness.It looked as if Astro Boy's butt was touching Lin Yueyuan's head, and his feet were stepping on his shoulders, as if the two of them were climbing up on top of each other.And Sansan was already too frightened just to block the blinding sun with her hand and look up.She didn't understand why they always did things that would kill them at any moment.When Astro Boy stepped on her foot, she didn't even have the strength to scream.As they ventured out, she could just sit there limp.Sometimes she thought it was unfair, but those cast-iron handles that felt hot to the touch in the sun alone were enough to take away all her courage.Once when Astro Boy was fighting, a whole piece of broken glass was embedded in his arm. He pulled out the piece of broken glass from the flesh with his hands, and immediately the blood flowed wildly, but he said triumphantly: "Sometimes I think it's good to be crazy like this, and it doesn't matter if you die." But when they were madly fighting to die, she forgot about her, so she watched them climb to the top of the chimney alone, leaning on each other. Standing under the evening sun on the rickety iron railings, Astro Boy even sat down with dangling legs and smoked a crumpled Double Happiness cigarette he stole from his father's shirt pocket.Sansan felt terrified that they had forgotten her, that they would sit there forever and never come down.She called out weakly to them, but the wind must have carried her voice elsewhere.They stood there impassively looking at some part of the skyline that, while not falling dead, seemed out of reach.That day, she and some old ladies peeling edamame looked up at the two boys on the top of the chimney. The old lady sighed and said, "Oh, the little girl is really desperate." Thinking, Lin Yueyuan will forget her like this in the future, and they will forget her like this.

But for some brief moments, Sansan felt that this summer would never end, as if she could hang out with these boys forever.They're always fighting over those plane trees or broken walls or chimneys, but they'll also sit together and drink an orange smoothie.And the report card has not come down for a long time, and she is in constant anxiety, not because she cares so much about the grades, but because this summer seems endless, endless, and all patience is exhausted.Every evening, she would wear a worn-out nightgown and stand in the alley waiting for the messenger. Sometimes she would tie a rubber band to the phlox and dance with the horse orchids by herself.The fair-faced postman with the moustache always jingled the bell on his twenty-eight-inch green bicycle, braked suddenly in front of her, and delivered the Sun-warmed Xinmin Evening Post with a smile. He put it in her hand, and said maliciously: "Hey, little girl, are you waiting for a love letter from a boy?" He used this greeting every day with great joy, as if he would never get tired of it, while she always kept a straight face. Quickly took the evening papers and never answered him.Sometimes she even thought that he must have deliberately hidden the report card with her name on it.How he would have liked to tease her, how they all would have liked to tease her, teasing her unhappiness, her unhappiness, her fears, watching her somehow grow more and more depressed, impatient, and Dejected.She wished this damn summer would pass quickly, wished she could grow up quickly, wished she could use a whip to beat the time away.It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what.

All this is extremely contradictory, she doesn't care but cares so much. Sansan didn't want to go swimming with them.She can't swim at all.She didn't learn to swim when she was twelve, and she never learned to swim at all, and the open-air swimming pool at that time was occupied by a group of punks from the middle school, and even beer cans were sometimes brought in, let alone cigarettes. .But the middle school admission letter was coming down the next day, and she felt like it was a ceremony.She used to look forward to this day so much, to get rid of Wan Hang Du Lu and Astro Boy, but now she really doesn't care about what happens after this day.She felt that she had had the best time before this day.She didn't believe that there would be any surprises in the future.She didn't believe that Tang Xiaoxi, who was trapped in the port, would be able to return to real life, but she always remembered how those little gangsters were when they were beaten by Astro Boy and ran away, didn't they? "They don't believe it, and I'm not afraid of fighting at all." When he said this, he always frowned indifferently, even if his nose was already bleeding.He would also say: "If you have the guts, hit me in the stomach." She agreed to go swimming with them, and then it was just like what Astro Boy said: From now on, you go your way, and I go my way.

It's hard to write.I'm terrified, but why do you all say to be brave?Bravery is a liar, bravery is a liar. That day, Sansan began to choose clothes anxiously since she woke up in the morning.She had only one dress she was happy with, and she was always upset about it, because she was growing taller and helplessly.The two small walnuts on the chest also slowly swelled up and hurt when touched, although they were still very small.She simply hated her body, and she couldn't even wear the only skirt if it went on like this, and she simply wanted to wear this skirt for the rest of her life!What should we do then?At that time, there will be no skirts to wear, and she can only wear those ugly and shameless clothes in the drawer, and she thinks that she will never be able to buy a more beautiful skirt than this dress in her life, so she is reluctant to wear it at ordinary times.Her skirts are always easy to tear.She walks fast, and a skirt with a slightly longer hem will be torn because of taking too many steps, and she likes to drill flower beds and take shortcuts.Many skirts are damaged by hooks on the railings, and a large piece will be torn off as soon as they are hooked.But if she doesn't wear it, she won't be able to wear it again soon. As long as she grows a little taller, she won't be able to wear it anymore.That is to say, after she entered middle school, she would no longer be able to wear the most beautiful dress in the world.Now Sansan turned out the skirt from the bottom of the drawer, put it on her body, and finally felt that she looked a little more beautiful in the mirror.It might look better if it were shorter, if the joints weren't so wobbly, and if the hair wasn't in two messy braids.Her heart was beating wildly, she was so excited that she was thirsty, and her stomach hurt slightly.She looked awkwardly in the mirror, repeatedly brushed her hair behind her ears, took two more rubber bands and started braiding her hair, but it didn't look good either way!She just doesn't look good in any way!But it's not because it's ugly, it's not because it's really going to part ways from now on, it's not because Lin Yueyuan is going to be lost from this day on, it's not because she is forgetting more and more things.At that time, she never thought that there was a more terrible thing in this world to forget Lin Yueyuan, just like she never thought that she would get more beautiful skirts in the future.She didn't believe this, she would rather hold tightly to the hem of the skirt in her hand, holding on desperately and not let go.

They said they were going to swim, but the way Lin Yueyuan and Astro Boy took was not the way to the swimming pool.Astro Boy and Lin Yueyuan walked restlessly ahead, jumping onto stone piers or fire hydrants by the roadside from time to time.They were screaming and fighting, and Sansan dragged behind their buttocks like a follower, wearing her best dress, walking along Wanhangdu Road, farther and farther away.They passed through the downtown area and turned into a remote path.There are factories everywhere, the factory buildings are painted in various eye-catching colors, there are huge trucks rampaging on the narrow road, the dust on the dry road is all raised up, and it seems to cover Shanghai with a layer of yellow-brown fog .Yes, those tawny fogs.The day's container truck honked savagely and whizzed past them, and they stood dumbfounded in the smoke belching from its ass.Sansan didn't know those places, and she would never be able to find the route they took her that day, she would never be able to find the gap from the downtown area to the wilderness, and she had never seen such a huge container truck after another. Howling past from the side, it has almost wiped the ears.The roads seemed to disappear out of nowhere, or to be closed off to her altogether.Even if she hit her head and broke her blood, she couldn't help but crash into that piece of memory again.Those memories, incomplete, are like doors that lead to a beautiful world but are closed forever.

"Hey, where are we going?" Sansan yelled with her hands clasped in the shape of a trumpet. "Go to Suzhou Creek!" Lin Yueyuan said loudly. "Where, where are you going?" "Let's go swimming in Suzhou Creek!" Astro Boy jumped up and screamed, "Go swimming! We're going to compete in swimming!" Finally, they actually climbed up the embankment of Suzhou Creek, and the three of them continued walking along the embankment in a row.The smell of Suzhou Creek came to my nostrils this evening.Back then it was a completely stinky riverbank, dark and thick, as if someone had secretly poured tons of asphalt into it, and it was hard to believe that it was still flowing.There are sheets of water hyacinth and tangled dark green algae floating on the river.Sometimes the rotten and swollen carcasses of feral cats were knocked into the embankment when the tide was high, and the white plastic lunch boxes filled with rotten leftovers were piled up beside the embankment, exuding a disgusting and disgusting smell all day long.The embankment has not been repaired either, and huge stones that have been burned by the sun are stacked together.For Sansan on such a hot afternoon, there was a kind of blindness that was ready to move but creepy.She wanted to turn her head and go home, but she didn't want to look like a worthless chick, so she walked on the embankment trembling.Although he pretended not to look at the running rats below, it seemed as if he could still hear the sound of their teeth grinding.Garbage boats on the Suzhou Creek sailed flat against the black surface of the river, their whistles making the sound of weeping and moaning.A black wolfhound with a thick iron chain tied to its neck on the bow drooped its tongue weakly, watching them on the shore with muddy saliva.She thought that going straight down the river would cut across the city.But she doesn't have the courage anymore, everything in front of her eyes is strange, those corners, those roads, those people popping cotton tires and popping popcorn by the stove... The Suzhou River is at high tide, gradually flooding the embankment The dejected dark green plants smelled more and more pungent.

"I can't walk anymore, I can't walk anymore." Sansan was always suddenly enveloped in a great sense of depression. "You girls are so fucking useless." Astro Boy sat down on the ground. She wanted to retort, but now squatting under the dirty and dark piers, moss clinging unscrupulously on those wet mudstone beaches, she has no strength and feels dizzy, and the bad sandals have worn out the little toe of her right foot. Blood bubbles come.Astro Boy dozed off on a flat rock not far away, Lin Yueyuan took off his stinky running shoes and threw them aside, stepping barefoot on the hot rock.She was in a trance and was almost overwhelmed by a warm current inspired from the bottom of her heart.The warm current did not miss the toes, did not miss the eyes, did not miss the ends of the hair.Do you like Lin Yueyuan?You like Lin Yueyuan, don't you?Any fool knows that you like Lin Yueyuan, even Astro Boy has seen through you, why can't you tell him?Why pretend you don't care?Why don't you smile at him?Why is it useless like a stupid coward?She just felt her heart beating faster and faster, and the world around her seemed to be spinning super fast.She blindly clutched at the hem of her skirt, feeling dizzy and out of breath.Those sentences rolled under the tongue over and over again.She could say: Would you like to write to me?Do you know our public phone number?will you call meShe unconsciously stroked her broken ankle, pinching a small piece of bone there.She felt that she was at a high tide, and the tide spread to her nose, and she had to flap her nose hard to breathe barely.

"Hey, do you dare to jump down?" Astro Boy suddenly jumped up and said to Lin Yueyuan. And at this time, for Sansan, the critical point has passed, just like last summer she made a bet with Astro Boy that she could jump off the three-meter-high diving platform in the swimming pool, and she ended up standing tremblingly in a small vest and flat-leg pants. On the platform, the ears seem to be deaf suddenly and can't hear the sound below.She can't swim at all, she can only keep swallowing saliva.As a result, the two impatient boys behind him said in a rough voice: "Why are you standing here if you don't jump down? Three eight." Then all the courage suddenly disappeared, and I was so dazed that I couldn't remember how I stood on the diving platform. , could only climb down the steps of the diving platform with a red face and a gray face, but in the end he fell on the slippery tile with his bare feet, and his butt hit the floor hard.The punks by the pool were all whistling and laughing.She was the useless girl who climbed down from the diving platform in disgrace, and now the damned fleeting critical point has passed again, and those words just now are swallowed desperately in her throat.She choked up a little, losing all the courage that had built up in an instant.The sun had already slanted to the west, gradually dragging the shadows of the two of them standing on the stone long. A puff of white smoke suddenly rose from the tall chimneys of the nearby factory.She thought, no more, don't hold such illusions, don't imagine that he will like you.Girls all over the world will like him, and he doesn't need to like you at all.She pinched her arm hard with her fingers, but it seemed that no amount of pain could drive away the sudden sadness, because when the invigilator took the test paper away from her after the last English test of the graduation exam , she really seems to have handed over all her little likes and hopes.there is none left.

"Do you dare to jump down?" Astro Boy gestured provocatively at Lin Yueyuan with his little finger. "You jump, I'll jump." Lin Yueyuan said loudly, then he turned his head and looked at Sansan with a smile. Before Sansan could react, Astro Boy had already taken off his worn-out running shoes and threw them in front of her. Lin Yueyuan also quickly peeled off his undershirt and hung it on the rusted iron shelf beside him.It took the two boys almost only a second to strip themselves down to a pair of underpants, and their bodies that hadn't started to develop were lean and thin, like two little animals that had just come out of their cages.They rushed towards the high embankment, howling like wolves one after another.Have you ever been this happy in the future?Have you ever run and screamed like this in the future?And at that time Sansan she hated this moment, she hated them fighting each other, she was afraid that they would die, she was afraid that they would fall down the chimney and their necks would snap off, she was also afraid that they would be drowned .Who knows what's in the river, who knows how many dead people and animals are hidden under the asphalt-like Suzhou Creek?The weird water hyacinths seemed to be soaked in poison.Why have they never learned to be afraid?Why is she always the only one who is so worried, unfounded, afraid of them dying, afraid of being alone?This feeling of crazy tightrope walking made her terrified, and whenever she was left there alone, her stomach always hurt inexplicably, and that bad feeling was like a pirate ship from the highest point. The moment he fell, his heart was weightless. He wanted to scream but his throat was blocked by a huge wind, and he couldn't make a sound with his mouth open.She wanted to run away from the crime scene, she didn't want to watch the two of them jump into the water monster haunt.And Lin Yueyuan climbed up to the height of the embankment, jumped up and waved to her.They were all wearing white shorts.Astro Boy's elastic band was loose, and he kept pulling up his pants with a playful smile, and waved his hands indiscriminately after him.They jostled and shoved each other and really looked like the kind of dudes who could wear a pair of pants.What kind of adults will they become when they grow up?

But it's too late, it's too late, it's too late. Suddenly, two huge splashes of water splashed twice under the pier, and the two naked boys disappeared into the thick river water as easily as two white fishes, while the surface of the river was only slightly raised. some white foam.A pair of white underpants that were swollen with water floated up, it must be that the underpants were knocked off by the waves when Astro Boy jumped into the water.And the surroundings were lonely, as if all the sounds suddenly disappeared, and soon even the blisters disappeared.The scorching sun was suddenly blocked by clouds, and the river surface was shrouded in a drowsy mist, so the sudden huge fear knocked Sansan down like a fist that suddenly stretched out.Where is she?She didn't know which way to walk home.How long had the two of them been plotting this sinister joke?The two of them must have been hiding under some water hyacinth in the water, watching her panicked look with a smile on their faces, and then when she was about to cry, they poked their heads out and laughed at her.But she was tired of such jokes, and if it was really a joke, it would have gone too far.She hated the joke as much as she hated all the jokes Astro Boy had played on her in the past, if he thought making her wet her pants was a joke.She lost her patience, lost her mind, and muttered softly: "Come out, come out, come out, come out, come out." Her lips were trembling, but her whole body was trembling, and she could do nothing but stagger along the embankment Staggered and ran, while the river was calm.The water hyacinths stretched their tentacles like a conspiracy net, and floating plastic bags and clumps of unrecognizable garbage moved slowly down the river.Fear finally overwhelmed her, she squatted down, pinched her arm in a daze, until the blood came out from the pinch, and the tears fell silently and desperately like huge raindrops hitting her face.Please come out quickly, please don't die, stop messing around, stop messing around!But she knew they were going to die, and she was scurrying on the embankment like ants on a hot pot, following the floating panties blindly and helplessly, but it sank after being dirty and soaked go.At this time, Sansan was completely out of control, her hands and feet were so trembling that she couldn't breathe, but she couldn't do anything, she could only sit and wait for them to die. "Hello." A wet head suddenly protruded from the dead river. She couldn't see who the head with the hair drooping and covering the eyes was, but the dense air on the river just now seemed to be swept away suddenly.That was Astro Boy, grinning and panting, swimming towards the slippery bank covered with moss.Sansan couldn't care about anything, ran over there, lost a sandal, and gasped for several breaths of pain when her little toe hit the stone.But they didn't die.Astro Boy climbed ashore naked while pulling the stones, the water on his body and hair dripped onto the ground desperately, but was quickly evaporated by the hot stones.He put on a pair of trousers indiscriminately, only then did Sansan see that his entire right arm was pulled open from the shoulder to the elbow, the skin was completely ripped open, the flesh was exposed, and the blood probably It had been washed away by the river water, and the skin and flesh turned out were soaked white by the dirty river water.But Astro Boy buttoned his shirt unknowingly, the thin fabric was tightly attached to his wet skin, and blood slowly seeped from the wound again, as if he was in a natural knowledge class. Those baby embryo specimens in glass jars soaked in medicine. After buttoning the buttons, he smiled at Sansan and said, "I won, I won the bet." It was only then that Sansan really felt the thunder, and she screamed in despair, "Where's Lin Yueyuan?" That was probably the last thing she remembered.Astro Boy's arm was bleeding profusely, staining a lot of her skirt.She screamed like a demon, unable to imagine how horrible she looked.Sweat flowed from the forehead into the eyes, and the eyes were so astringent that they couldn't open them. The eye sockets were red but there were no tears at all.All she knew was that she kept screaming at Astro Boy until her throat seemed to be completely torn apart and her whole body was paralyzed, but she couldn't stop.Terrified, my mind went blank.She thought that screaming could drive away the fear, but this time it was useless, because she saw fear even in Astro Boy's eyes.He stood stiffly in front of her, looking at her helplessly, his arms hanging like a somnambulist, as if he didn't feel pain at all, or that he really didn't feel pain at all. The memory after that is fog and dead silence.I tried to think about it, and finally got exhausted.I have to ask myself over and over why I remember those tears, why I remember those nights full of fear.That must have been the saddest and the worst.I've already spoiled the best time, haven't I?As I get closer to being an adult, memories become more and more deceiving.But I can remember the house number of Astro Boy's house, but I can't remember the name of a roommate in the university. Sometimes when I turn out the graduation photos, I feel scared when I look at the big strange faces. I really just have amnesia. poor guy.People often say in good faith that it is pitiful to remember all the details, but there are always some details that you must remember, right?For example, the clusters of gemstone flowers on Wanhangdu Road and the roof of Yan’s house, the sound of keys strung with dirty ribbons inside the neck, the small patch of inky black sky outside the patio on a rainy day, the first sweet-scented osmanthus Aroma, those small alleys where you can run through with your eyes closed, the doorbell of the neighbor next door who will run away as soon as you press it, the ceiling fan that has to be removed every winter is always covered with thick dust like black cotton wool.Why are there tears streaming down my face?What else could it be but love?I don't want to hear you talk.How much I want to live like that drunk and not hear you talk.I'm already feeling dizzy.I have always believed that love is a spring pierced in the body, but I am so afraid that it will spew out suddenly and can no longer stop.When I was dreaming, I dreamed that I had already jumped off that diving platform, and I could no longer hear their laughter, but the cold river water filled my entire lungs in an instant, and I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't cry at all. I felt that my lungs were as thin as a piece of paper that was about to be punctured, and the surrounding was completely dark, and there was no white light that would suddenly appear when I died in the legend.I was terrified, but had to give up struggling.Love doesn't give me hope at all, does it?If I don't get courage again, love will only kill me. This year I'm finally twenty-five years old, and when I look in the mirror, I can't remember what I looked like when I was seventeen or eighteen.Walking numbly in the subway corridor, some corners are always filled with the smell of urine and decaying garbage, just like the smells I smelled when I was a child when I was sitting on the back of my mother's bicycle and passing Suzhou Creek to go to night school.I can't tell you I love you at all, I'd be dead ashamed, and that would make me cringe.I would rather let you think that I am a girl with a bad face and indifference, as if this will have a little ridiculous dignity.In fact, my heart is still that twelve-year-old girl who was trapped in a flooded room when the typhoon came.Large flakes of lime fell from the wall, and she could only sit cross-legged on a stool in the middle of the room alone and solemnly.Are they all dead?What grown-ups would they have been if they hadn't died?But they must be dead, otherwise why have I never met them when I was trapped in such a small city?Too much time has passed, and my patience has drained like a rotting battery.Time did not heal my childhood at all.If you really forget, why cry? Everyone is moving forward, including you, and the places I stayed have been brutally demolished and turned into broken bricks and gravel.I was pushed forward by all kinds of people.I have rented many houses, sitting on the back of the moving company's truck holding two pots of dying monstera like a lost dog.But who knows, I don't care about that at all, I don't care how modern and beautiful Shanghai has become, I don't care about the glass buildings that keep going up, the viaducts that cross overhead, the huge neon lights and hanging A poster shop that doesn't care about everyone but you.For me, all I can see is the blinking red flight lights on the top of the Hilton Hotel, but the world outside the Paramount Cinema is still blank for me.When driving on the viaduct at high speed in a taxi, you can't even remember what the world below is like.It doesn't matter, it has nothing to do with me.But now I have to walk in strange places, maybe just to get a little contact with you.I'm really afraid that one day when you walk too fast and look back, you won't be able to find where I am.I'm really afraid that I'll lose you again this time before I can confess my love. I believe in love so much, but love never gave me hope. So I have to go on, even if time confuses my memory like a liar, even if I feel more and more desperate for your love, even if I know that you will gradually forget me and leave me.The open-air swimming pool, the battle of plastic hammers on the Bund and Nanjing Road Pedestrian Street during National Day, the dead rats run over by buses on Wanhangdu Road and Xinzha Road in the early morning, the dilapidated observatory in the school, time will let you remember all of these Forget it, and I'm just a tiny part of the scene.Why can't I remember all these things?Remembering makes me sad, and forgetting makes me sad.Your life will run over me like a train, and all the scenes about me will collapse.But there are always old accounts that need to be written off.What if I miss the best time to love you because of my hesitation?I've always been a loathsome girl who behaved badly, I wasted all my good times and couldn't get over my old scores.Sometimes the past years suddenly came into view in dreams, but they were always very frightening dreams of being chased by strangers.Those strangers will not die, but I ran desperately on Wanhangdu Road and Yan's house, and my fingers could almost touch the mossy walls.The smell of burning briquettes enveloped the whole dream, but the door of that damned Astro Boy's house could never be opened.I knew that even if I ran to my death, I would never be able to open that door, and when I woke up, there was no sound or light in the room, and my heart was like a dry swimming pool.I think the past time has passed, but there is really no way to regret it. So I have to go on, because even if there is no hope, I can't forget you. Hey, I really still like you. But we're going to be screwed.