Chapter 3 the third part

one Alberti met a new man, Awei, on the train back from Shanxi.He served as a soldier in Shanghai, a firefighter.Alberti used the word "sexy" to describe him.Indeed, this man named Awei has a very tall and strong physique, and his facial features are also very handsome.He is the same age as my cousin Xiaoqin, that is, eight years younger than Alberti. Awei's writing is good, and sometimes he would write letters to Alberti by hand. The handwriting was neat and stamped, and they were mailed from the base on the outskirts of the city.At first, Alberti didn't think about serious dating, but Ah Wei showed a little innocence and persistence of a child outside the city, which once deeply moved Alberti.What's more, Yinghao came back shortly after the Chinese New Year.Not only did he come back alone, he also brought Shui Xiaojun with him.

Bi Lu learned from Ying Sa that as soon as Ying Hao returned to Beijing, Shui Xiaojun went to Ying's house accompanied by the Shui family.Whether it is the Ying family or the Shui family, they are all respectable families at the root of the imperial city.The Shui family felt that Ying Hao's behavior was too unreasonable, and they said: "We already know that this brat has a hot fight with other women in Shanghai, so he wants to break up with our Xiaojun." Originally, Shui Xiaojun Her parents did not agree with the two of them being together, but her daughter had a stubborn temper, so there was nothing she could do about it.But now when this incident happened, they stood on the same front instead. There is no reason for you to say no to it!

Yinghao feels a headache about this situation.On the way back to Beijing, he thought about whether he should visit Shui Xiaojun.He wanted to find her, just wanted to know if she was doing well now, and whether her wounds had healed.As for the others, whether to break up or get back together, he didn't even think about it.When he was in Shanghai, the reason why he made up his mind to break up with Shui Xiaojun was because of a call from Shui's elders.It was Shui Xiaojun's uncle who called. He told Yinghao that he had already booked a hotel for them in Beijing, and he hurried back to organize the wedding, otherwise...he had a threatening tone when he spoke.It seems that the Shui family has already accepted this matter, anyway they disagree and they have lived together for so long, seeing that Shui Xiaojun is also twenty-eight years old, it would be shameful not to get married.However, Yinghao does not want to settle down and get married in his bones.He felt that when a man got married, his life would be fixed like this, he would be completely bound, even if he wanted to break free to find freedom and happiness, he would end up in the same fate as Yingsha.Besides, he doesn't love Shui Xiaojun that much now.

And that day, Yinghao went to look for Alberti with his luggage, but in fact, he didn't just want to befriend her, fall in love with her, and live with her.He just wanted to see Alberti very much suddenly, and wanted to be able to talk happily with Alberti as they did in the past when he was confused and helpless.But how long has it been since they were happy? In the past, he was thrown away because of Shui Xiaojun's cohabiting girlfriend, which would cause unhappiness between him and Alberti, but at other times they were at least enthusiastic and cheerful. happy.But this time, since when did they stop being so happy, and both of them were worried? It seems that it was after Alberti had a South African boyfriend.

Looking at the five or six people in the Shui family, Ying Hao felt that he was going crazy.He regretted returning to Beijing, but Beijing was his home after all.Can he even go back to this home? Looking at Shui Xiaojun, she obviously lost weight twice, wearing a clean khaki down jacket and a sky blue woolen scarf, sitting timidly among her family members.He suddenly remembered Shui Xiaojun many years ago, the girl who followed him for several kilometers at night in Sanlitun.At that time, her expression was not cowardly, but brave, without hesitation.But at this moment, Yinghao really wants to turn back the time and go back to that time.If he goes back again, he will definitely push the girl away and tell her that it's not worth it.

Yeah, not worth it. When Yinghao was confused about the Shui family and Shui Xiaojun, Bi Lu also gave Yingsa a big problem.On the day of Yingsha's fortieth birthday, she went to Beijing again.This time, she was no longer willing to stay in the hotel arranged for her by Yingsa until he had dinner with his wife and children before coming to see her, but went directly to the Cantonese restaurant on the second floor of Scitech Hotel.There, Yingsha's 40th birthday party is being held.That day, she specially wore a magenta cashmere skirt, newly cut a row of bangs, took a deep breath at the door of the hotel, and then walked in calmly.

There were about seven or eight tables of people at the birthday banquet, and because of the crowds and noise, no one paid much attention to Bi Lu.She went straight to the main table. Ying Sa was talking with a college classmate whom she hadn't seen for a long time about the future study abroad of her child. He stared blankly at Bi Lu. Bi Lu was very calm, walked over, stretched out his hand and said, "Mr. Ying, happy birthday." Then he lowered his head, nodded to Yingsa's wife, touched his youngest son's face and said, "Little friend, you are so cute." .” This was the first time Bi Lu saw Wang Ran up close.She is well maintained, her skin is still very transparent, but her hair style and clothes are a bit old-fashioned, and there is nothing eye-catching in the usual way.She was scooping up a small plate of fried shrimp for her youngest son and feeding him one by one.Ying Sa took Bi Lu's hand and squeezed it hard.

He said, "Thank you. Why are you here? Where's your husband, Lao Wu, didn't he come with you?" Then he pointed to the table closest to the door with one hand, and said, "Sit over there, everyone It's a colleague." Saying that, he led Bi Lu away from the main table. After walking a few steps, Bi Lu looked back at Wang Ran again.Wang Ran was also looking at her.She felt that her heart was like a balloon that was not fully inflated. It was pricked by something, and then slowly emptied.She turned her head to look at Yingsa again.His steps are strong and resolute.

Old Wu? Who is Old Wu? She thought it was all so funny. On the second day after the birthday party, Bi Lu received Yingsa's air ticket and roses.At that moment, she knew that all this would eventually come to an end.A few days later, Ying Sa called Bi Lu and said that she was on the expressway from Beijing to the airport.He didn't mention what happened on the day of the birthday banquet, nor did he blame Bi Lu.Like many times in the past when he was about to return to Shanghai from Beijing, he said to Bi Lu: "Baby, I miss you very much." But this time, Bi Lu cried. Bi Lu cried, not because she was moved, nor because she was sad, but because she was angry and angry.On the phone, she scolded hypocrisy, despicability and liar, and many, many other words that Yingsha had promised her.Ying Sa listened on the phone without saying a word, letting her scold.After scolding, both of them fell into silence.

Alberti took out a vanity mirror from the bathroom and looked at Bi Lu.She said: "Look at you, look at you, your face is pale, and your expression is dead dead. What are you doing, pretending to be a drug addict for a man?" Bi Lu was silent, she took the mirror to look at herself.The person inside was herself, but she didn't recognize her anymore. Nearly three years after breaking up with Xiao Yu, Alberti met him at the gate of Hong Kong Plaza suddenly one day.In fact, many times, Alberti would secretly think that the two people who used to be so close to life broke up, and they knew that the other party was also living in this city, but they had never met each other.She couldn't help asking in her heart, is he okay now? But after thinking about it again, maybe he doesn't want to see herself.So, I secretly felt grateful again.She also imagined that if she met Xiao Yu unexpectedly in the street, shopping mall, restaurant or other places, such as movie theaters, parks, cruise ships, airplanes, what would she do? What would she be? What kind of reaction will he have? This is a question she often thinks of in the first year of breaking up, but then slowly, after time and life, they have never met before, and Alberti also understands, Where do so many unexpected encounters come from in life? So, this kind of assumption gradually faded away.Until this day, she really met Xiao Yu at the gate of Hong Kong Plaza.

From a long distance, Alberti saw Xiao Yu.He is more handsome than before, he lacks the sunshine of a big boy, but has more masculine charm.Alberti just had a big wave, and she looked very confident in the warm spring sun and breeze. She walked towards him and said, "Long time no see." Xiaoyu was a little surprised, but immediately came back to his senses, and politely replied: "Hello, what a coincidence." He looked Abedi up and down, showed a familiar yet unfamiliar smile, and said jokingly: " It's more feminine than before." Alberti felt herself blushing.This blushing seems to be the result of the slap Xiao Yu gave the night he left.She felt a sharp pain in her cheeks, and she just stood there, not knowing what to say or what to do next.After a while, she wanted to ask Xiao Yu where he was working and what his phone number was, but as soon as she opened her mouth, a girl jumped out of the Hong Kong Plaza and took Xiao Yu's arm. "Joanna, this is Xie Jin, my college classmate." Xiao Yu introduced to his girlfriend. Alberti looked at Xiaoyu, and understood what he meant from his eyes, so she introduced herself politely: "Hi, you can call me Alberti." "Oh? Alberti, is that Alberti who writes the food column in Fashion Weekly?" Xiaoyu's girlfriend asked excitedly. Alberti nodded: "That's just work, I'm a food editor." Joanna went around Alberti and asked this and that, asking her if there were any good restaurants nearby that she could recommend.Today is the first anniversary of her and Xiaoyu's love, and she originally said that she would find a good restaurant to commemorate it.Alberti thought about it roughly, and then recommended a nearby Japanese restaurant to them.When she left, she didn't ask Xiaoyu to leave her phone number, nor did she leave her own phone number for Xiaoyu, and she didn't even return her head.A song called "Meeting is worse than Missing" came from the shopping mall in Hong Kong Plaza. After returning from Yangshuo, another "betrayal" that Dai Fangke had already revealed in Thailand finally fully surfaced.When I saw the opening list of the Shanghai International Hotel on the small plate, I suddenly felt that my tense heart sank.It seems to be a big sigh of relief, I finally saw it, instead of guessing every day.Sometimes, I also say some self-deceiving words to myself, for example, if I don't see this, then I can pretend that nothing happened.Anyway, if you don’t know, you don’t know, don’t you? But he has to be so careless, or, it’s not because he is careless, but because he didn’t care about it at all, and he didn’t regard it as such a great thing that he needed to cover up. Concealing it, he thought no! Of course, maybe I should thank Dai Fangke for his carelessness and negligence, which confirmed my intuition and sensitivity one by one. Dai Fangke admitted that it was not the first time he had a room with that woman.The night Qu Yingning came to see me last time, he also ran out to have a tryst with her.I was angry and furious.This is the first time in my memory that I have made such a big fire.I rushed forward and bit his shoulder, tears streaming down my face.He didn't cry out for pain, didn't fight back, just put one arm around my waist and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." But how can I forgive, how can I forgive again? In fact, after the Changsha small ticket incident, Dai Fangke confessed to me several times about the "wrong things" he had done before that.As a woman, each of these things individually should be a huge hurt and unforgivable.But I forgave him, and at the same time, I also made excuses and reasons for him, such as the family environment since he was a child, the nature of the work of the consultant who travels for a long time, for example, maybe I am not beautiful enough, or charming enough, It made him feel that he was not stable enough... In short, in retrospect, it was the beginning of a self-degeneration, desperately pushing himself down, and sincerely looking forward to being able to "go down into the dust, and then happily, from Flowers bloom out of dust."This can only be described as absurd. In fact, if the person you meet is right, it’s okay to be lower and humbler; but if the person is wrong in the first place, the lower you are, the more humble you are, and in the end, the more you will be trampled to pieces.But, how many people know from the very beginning whether this person is right or wrong? If it doesn't take time to teach everyone what is love and what is worth, then what is the meaning of life? When Dai Fangke tried his best to defend himself, after throwing out the "credit" words "I didn't bring the woman home", I was completely angry, kicked him out, and sorted all his clothes in three In the glove box, he called a convenient courier according to the temporary address he left.After the courier took the glove box, I called him and told him to check it carefully.On the phone, Dai Fangke cried like a child who was punished for doing something wrong.To be honest, at that moment, I was still a little shaken.But I can think that there have been too many times, too many lies, too many betrayals, I am tired, and I don't want to live in this crumbling trust anymore.So I didn't say much, just cut off the phone and turned it off. When I told Gu Xi about kicking Dai Fangke out of the house, she seemed very happy and clapped her hands.After clapping her hands, she frowned and told me another thing: she found that Qiao Qishan seemed to be in love with Xiaoqin. The first person to discover this was Qiao Feng.Once, he forgot to knock on the door, and went directly into Qiao Qishan's bedroom, and saw his son happened to be on the phone.When Qiao Qishan heard the door opened, he turned back nervously, and while covering the microphone with one hand, he said: "Dad, out!" Qiao Feng felt a little strange, and went back to the room to tell Gu Yu that his son might be in a relationship.It was only then that Gu Yu wondered if it might be Xiaoqin, because the last time Xiaoqin and Xia Jiamu's mother came together to pay New Year's greetings to Gu's mother, Qiao Qishan, who had never paid much attention to others, suddenly became very gentle and friendly.Gu Yu asked him to come downstairs to greet the guests. He came, and after the greeting, he should have gone back to his room according to his usual habits, but he and Xiaoqin were sitting in the dining room watching TV, laughing and laughing while watching. say.Not long after, Xiaoqin also went to Qiao Qishan's room to listen to CDs.At that time, the adults were talking, didn't notice anything, let them go.But thinking about it later, it seems that it was indeed from then on that Qiao Qishan often started talking on the phone alone in the room. Because he grew up in the United States, Qiao Qishan attaches great importance to the protection of his personal space.The telephone line in his room was also pulled separately, and it belonged to his own number.That number was originally used to call Qiao Feng's ex-wife to find his son, but now it has become an important way for him to fall in love.Gu Yu came to me because she wanted me to ask Xiaoqin if she was on the phone with Qiao Qishan and if she was in love. Xiaoqin is six years younger than me.Now people say that there is a generation gap between three years old, so the cousin Xiaoqin and I are two generations apart.She was very timid when she was a child, and she was fostered at my house during the summer vacation. Every four or five o'clock in the afternoon, she would cry and call for her mother.And it was such a little girl, suddenly, I found that she was twenty years old, and she had reached the age to fall in love.Yes, twenty years old is such a good age for love, and it is such a fragile age. By my side, the girls who are about my age have love at the age of twenty, and very few of them can last until the end.Some survived high school and college, but failed to survive work.The world turned upside down after graduation.Really, it was turned upside down.How many boys and girls, after graduating and working, suddenly find that what they think and want is different from the past.At this time, the person who has been with me all the time is suddenly no longer the person who can accompany me all the way, such as Alberti and Xiaoyu. So, I asked Xiaoqin: "Have you thought it through? Do you like Qiao Qishan? Do you simply like it, or do you think about it later?" Xiaoqin blinked and looked at me, she said: "Cousin, do you have to think about the future when you like someone? I like Qiao Qishan very much, but I don't think about the future. I only know that now, at this moment, I am with him Have fun together!" On the phone, I relayed Xiaoqin's words to Gu Xie.When Gu Xi heard this, she was a little worried.She said: "Qiao Qishan's biological mother has always wanted him to go to the United States to continue his master's degree after graduating from university, and then stay in the United States to work, so the future of Xiaoqin and him is almost slim. Twenty years old, let alone twenty People are 30 years old, they are all married, men go abroad to study, and a lot of them get divorced. Let alone 20 years old. How variable is 20 years old?" I listened, sighing on the phone.But I can't persuade Xiaoqin, and I don't think it is necessary to persuade, because everyone chooses their own path.Before she left, no one had the right to roughly tell her what the future would be like, because if she didn't go through this corner, she wouldn't see what the future would look like. I just told Xiaoqin, "Now you are complete in the traditional sense. Of course, I am not a virginist, but after all, you have received traditional Chinese education since childhood, while he eats hamburgers. I grew up drinking Coke, so if you want to change one of your titles, from a girl to a woman, you must think clearly, give it like this, and think about it later, will you regret it, will you say it’s not worth it? , Will you wait until you give to a man who can be entrusted to you for life, many loves and many firsts are gone." Xiaoqin sat in front of the computer in her room, took off her earphones and talked to me.She's grown up already.She said: "Cousin, I understand what you mean, but I feel that since I want to love, I can't look back, and don't worry in advance. If I meet a man who can marry me in the future, I won't look back A glance at the past, because the past has already passed. And now, I don’t want to predict the future, because no one knows what the future will hold. Whether Qiao Qishan will return to the United States, he himself is not sure. But if the two of us Personal relationship is not good, even if he stays in China, he will still break up. Isn't it?" I nodded, seeming very convinced by this reply.I reached out to touch her head and said, "Xiaoqin, you really have grown up." She blushed again and looked at me, and said, "Cousin, you don't seem to be very happy recently?" I shook my head and squeezed a smile: "No." Perhaps, you can express your inner sadness to an older person very frankly, but it is difficult to show your weak side in front of a person who is much younger than yourself, because what you want to show him (her) may be the strongest That self, even behind this self, is already fragile and corrupt. two Alberti called me and asked me if I was interested in cats.She had a litter of Persian cats at a friend's house, and she wanted to find someone to adopt them. "It's good to have something to accompany yourself. Look at you, you live alone, you just broke up, and it's too late to have a baby now, but you can buy a small animal to play with it." Alberti said.So, I followed her and Bi Lu. It only took half an hour, and I picked out a blue and white Persian cat, female, from a litter of five kittens.She is only two months old, her eyes are round, and she lifts them from under the armpit of her forelimbs, and she will raise her hind feet to scratch the back of your hand, blink her eyes, and is very naughty.I named her Corner, nicknamed Coco, because the restaurant where Dai Fangke and I had our first official date for dinner was called Corner.But I didn't tell Alberti or Bi Lu about this reason, otherwise I would definitely get scolded.Sometimes I think that when any of them is hurt, there is at least one person who scolds and one who comforts them, but for me, I only have people scolding and no one to comfort me.So I would occasionally find Chu Hong to eat and chat together, even when I was in love with Dai Fangke, there would be such "dates".I guess I just need someone who can listen quietly, not scold. Dai Fangke knew about my past with Chu Hong.He was very concerned about Chu Hong.I can understand this.But I don't know why, if I want to completely lose contact with Chu Hong, and completely drive him out of my life, I am not willing.Although I have ninety-nine Pepsi obediences to Dai Fangke, I have always been stubborn about Chu Hong. After taking Coco home, the room really started to be alive.It always likes to play some obstacle races, jump from the sofa to the bed, and then "fly" from the bed to the door of the bathroom.I began to learn to abandon the diary that has been with me for more than ten years and talk to cats.Most of the time, he looks innocent, lying on top of me, his stomach rumbling. Alberti and Bi Lu also took a creamy yellow Persian cat.Both of them have the experience of raising cats in childhood, holding the soft little thing in their slender fingers, bathing it, cutting its nails, digging its ears, and saying some soft comforting words, as if to the beloved A man is like a baby.I watched and learned.Although most people think that cats are inferior to dogs, they are not caring enough and loyal enough, and they are very likely to slip out of the house in a blink of an eye, elope with cats, and feel shameless when they come back with a big belly.But I think, maybe only those who have raised cats know that the cat’s caring and loyalty to its owner needs to be exchanged with the same time and the same caring and loyalty.So cats are very similar to single women.Know how to love, know how to love, but take care of yourself and don't give it to others easily. After finishing the defense of the thesis of the postgraduate course, I put Coco in Gu Yu’s house, bought a plane ticket to Dali, and met Qu Yingning and Gu Ao who were traveling and writing there.Before leaving, I had dinner with Chu Hong.He gave me a small cloth bag full of medicine and told me to take good care of myself.The next day, before taking a taxi to the airport, I called Dai Fangke from a public phone at the convenience store in front of my house.Silence, a long silence.He didn't know who it was, and kept "hello".I held my breath, but couldn't stop the tears.I took the new mobile phone with me and left the old number at home.I think this trip may give us a complete break. But I didn't expect that at that time, he had already lived with another woman.That was half a month after we separated. Later, Gu Xi sat in the "Time" cafe and said that she was not surprised at all. For a man like Dai Fangke, the most unbearable thing is neglect and loneliness.If you want him to live alone, it is better to simply kill him. "His way of life has always been from one woman to another. Everyone is the same. If they can't continue, they will change to another. This is called love disease!" These words, in the past, I may not agree and agree Feelings.Maybe it's because we overestimate ourselves, and always feel that our feelings are actually very deep and can never be replaced by others. "You say that your feelings are deep, but in fact they are only deep in your own heart. How deep are they? They haven't gone through wars, life and death. These kinds of feelings are nothing more than love between men and women. He can have sex with you, and he can't It can happen with other women, there is no difference at all." Gu Xi poured a large basin of cold water down.But I think these words are good and instantly sober.Yeah, those pasts are just old-fashioned plots.To think about it, just a sense of loss. On the plane to Kunming, I still heard Dai Fangke's "Hello" in my ears, hurriedly, for no apparent reason.Finally, he seemed to guess it was me, and asked, "Is it summer?" I hung up the phone. In Dali, Wang Gu and his friends took me, Qu Yingning and Gu Ao to camp on Cangshan Mountain.Cangshan is very cold at night.There are several black dogs in the hotel, wagging their tails all day long, urinating and scratching the ground.We ate strawberries and talked around the fire.Compared with previous years, Wanggu looks thinner.I advised him not to smoke "grass" anymore, but he didn't listen, he still trembled on the cigarette pack, crushed the leaves one by one, rolled them up in cigarette paper, and took turns smoking with his friends.When asked what he was up to recently, he just replied with a blurred look: "Make money." Compared with Lijiang, Dali is more suitable for living and playing together.Many artists who have been to Beijing to do North Piao, finally chose the ancient city as their foothold, because the rent here is cheap and life is casual.Fun people, come once, leave, and come again.Wang Gu and I talked about what happened in the "Today Morning Post" later, most of which were "wholesale" from Bi Lu.I said that the earliest editors are almost gone now, and "Today Morning Post" is also on the right track, and there is no need to make revisions day and night.In the smoke, he fell into a medicinal contemplation, his eyes still slack: "Oh, I heard. "Today Morning Post"? Shanghai? Far away, far away..." One day, Gu Ao went out to shoot a film alone, and when he came back, he said that he saw the editor-in-chief of "Today Morning Post" at the gate of the post office in the center of the ancient city.He was alone, holding a bag of fresh hawthorn in his hand, and was receiving a copy of "Today Morning Post" at the counter.It can be seen that he should have been in the ancient city for some time, and he has already started ordering "Today Morning Post" through the post office.Unfortunately, I have never been able to meet him.According to Wang Gu, he had a meal with the editor-in-chief in Dali.The editor-in-chief has already asked for a long vacation, saying that he will take his wife to all the places she wants to go in the last days of her life.Dali is a place where they feel that they don't want to leave after they come. Listening, Qu Yingning seemed a little moved.She sat in my room and chatted with me, saying that if Gu Ao could be as persistent as the editor-in-chief was to his wife, then she would win the biggest bet in her life. After Qu Yingning got married, her life with Gu Ao didn't change much. They were still the same as when they were living together. It's just that they are arguing now and they can't break up easily.She also got some "benefits" of a little woman from this kind of married life, that is, all the money in Gu Ao's wallet was handed over to her. "A man without money is like a woman with a disfigured face and shame when she goes out," she said. In her heart, the little episode before the marriage didn't seem to leave much trace.She also told me with certainty that after a woman forgives a man, whether or not there will be traces in her heart depends on what the man does and what he can do.If he really changed, he would be able to feel this change even if he is as sensitive as a woman, let alone her. I listened, noncommittal.Qu Yingning didn't know anything about me, but I admit that what she said to me that night relieved my burden to a large extent.In the past, I often thought it was my fault that I couldn't forget those injuries, because I was too sensitive and narrow-minded.But now, I can also put some responsibility on Dai Fangke, because he has not changed at all.Those things that I can't accept are inherent in his blood, and it is impossible to change them.He will never be able to become a man who enjoys solitude with love in his heart.His life should be wonderful and rich, surrounded by women's admiration. On Cangshan Mountain, I wrote many letters to Dai Fangke, but I sent them all back to my home.Maybe I didn't really want him to read it so urgently, or maybe, because I didn't carry the diary with me, I could only talk to the letter paper.Thousands of miles away, in addition to Dai Fangke, I still miss the little cat called corner, because it is the witness of the beginning of Dai Fangke and me. Of course, with the beginning, you may not be able to guess the ending.This is what Xiaoqin told me. Wang Gu and I talked about his distant cousin.I said, "Why does that person owe so much money to so many people, and there are always punks coming up to make trouble?" He threw a firewood into the fire, shook his head, and said, "It will be over soon." The flames flickered on his face. Suddenly, I felt that the king in front of me became strange and alienated.He seemed to wrap himself very tightly, he was the kind of person who would wake up at any time when he fell asleep.He hasn't written a new novel for two or three years.Back then, Wang Gu, who walked in the restaurant and loved to chant poems on the wine table, was gone. When sending me back to Kunming, Wang Gu suddenly said in the car: "I don't want to go back to Dali, because some roads have been gone, and I can't turn back." I thought he was joking, and replied with what Bi Lu said: "Whether you can walk this road or not, the key is up to you." When we were about to arrive in Kunming, a piece of news was broadcast on the bus: Cangshan Mountain was on fire.The fire appeared to be raging.Wang Gu said to himself: "Fire is so good, once it burns, everything will be reduced to ashes." At that time, I didn't understand what he said, but I realized later that if possible, Wang Gu probably wanted his past to be burned too. Died on Cangshan Mountain. After returning to Shanghai from Yunnan, I went to Gu Xie's house to pick up coco.As soon as I got home, I saw the text messages that Dai Fangke had sent to his old mobile phone during the past few days. I was a little moved by the many sentences. I want everything to calm down as soon as possible and become a thing of the past.But this kind of calm down later suddenly because of a text message on Valentine's Day, the waves hit thousands of layers, and it also made me lose the ability to resist myself in an instant.So, the last wave of damage hit like a tsunami, directly devouring me and the strength I had worked so hard to build. I finally had to admit that I was just a symbol of a woman in Dai Fangke's heart.He stepped over lightly.Maybe at the beginning, I didn’t want to lose it completely, just like a child who is tired of playing with a toy, but is unwilling to give it up to others. Even if he doesn’t want it, he has to hide it.But when my text messages were exposed to that woman's sight, the cohabitation life that he should have settled down was disrupted.Instinctively, he must have confessed to that woman as before, expressed his deep love, and then made the choice that would have the least impact on him.Since my place has long been synonymous with "impossible", why would he bother to affect the sweet love that is just beginning now for this "impossible"? Besides, in front of me, it is difficult for him to puff up his chest and fight I am as upright and decent as I appear on the outside, because I know better than anyone else what kind of person he is and what kind of habits he has.So I think, in addition to his body and freshness, Dai Fangke also wants to preserve a decent dignity for himself.As for the question of whether to love or not, in his logic, it comes second after another. two Chu Hong participated in several photography exhibitions held by the United States under the arrangement of Gu Xie, and won several awards.His works have also begun to be noticed by some domestic galleries and buyers, and the prices are going up every day.But in order to make ends meet, Chu Hong's studio and studio mainly accepts some commercial films, such as Waffle Company's this time. The foreign models invited by the Waffle Company are two Brazilian women, whose figures are so good that women can't bear to look at them, but unfortunately they can't speak English.Holding the camera in his hand, Chu Hong danced and asked the makeup artist to pay attention to touch up makeup.Originally, I came to help with the translation, but I couldn't even speak a single word of Brazilian, so I had to stand there and use yin and yang English to help Chu Hong do some simple translations.Although they can't speak English, they can still understand a few simple words, such as left, down, and right. I said to Bi Lu: "Go and ask your waffle, what kind of model did he invite, and he can't speak English at least, how can he get along in this business?" Bi Lu bit my ear: "I asked earlier, it is said that these are the two canaries of their big boss. They used to be amateur models in Brazil, but now they have quit, and are only in charge of bed exercises. This time the big boss is in a good mood." Well, I want them to take part in this fashion film." Chu Hong heard us whispering behind the scenes, stopped the machine in his hand, turned around and said to me seriously: "Whisper and go over there." I shut my mouth wisely and glanced at Bi Lu.Bi Lu made an exaggerated grimace behind his back, making the two Brazilian women and Waffle secretly laugh. It has been a whole month since she and Waffle met for the first time. Maybe there are really many things that can be changed in a month, and it is easy to get rid of the entangled concerns in my heart.This is the same for Bi Lu.She never mentioned Yingsa again, and we never asked about it, but sometimes I think of it suddenly, and I feel uncomfortable.After all, this name used to be the beginning of Bi Lu's tears almost every moment.And at this moment, she no longer cares.All the reason she smiles and is happy is because of the waffle.Well, Dai Fangke is also like that.When he will no longer be moved because of me and the past, when all the reasons for his smile and happiness are because of "Dai GF", then, what reason can I criticize him? People should treat themselves better, give up a gloomy and sad life, and choose happiness. Because happiness is not given by others, it is chosen by oneself. In fact, when Yinghao decided to get married, Alberti no longer had the initial feelings for this man.They parted and reunited, reunited and reunited.According to her own words, everything is shady.Falling in love with an unmarried man is also shady, which makes Alberti feel that the past four years have been very unlucky.She almost used the holidays to go to all the places around Shanghai that can burn incense, such as Lingyin Temple, Mount Putuo, and Huachao Temple in Suzhou.Every time, while worshiping Buddha, she would also ask for a lottery to solve the marriage.But each time the results were quite different, which made her feel a little dizzy. On the third day after Alberti threw the sentence "Go to hell" to Yinghao's China Unicom secretary, she started a blind date life that lasted for half a year.This high-frequency blind date made her overwhelmed and exhausted.But Alberti was still very excited, she didn't want to stop herself, and she didn't really expect this kind of blind date to find a marriage for herself, she just wanted to see what kind of men no one wants now.Later, she unexpectedly discovered that among the blind date men there were some handsome men with deep family backgrounds, and many of them sincerely wanted to marry a wife and go home to live a good life.But why are there so many women in the city who can't find a man? They exist with so many of them, but they just can't meet? Alberti has no feeling for the men who are on a blind date.According to her own words, she became numb and suddenly did not understand what love is, what is tempting, and what is caring.Her heart was empty, and there was no one there.The last time, Alberti's blind date in the cafe turned out to be Xiaoyu. It was her colleague's cousin who arranged the blind date for Alberti.The middle-aged woman arranged for Alberti to date a man of similar age and career almost every week.At the beginning, Alberti listened carefully to her talking about the other party's situation, but later, she stopped listening at all, and only remembered the time, place and phone number of the other party, and went to the appointment as if going through the motions.所以当她发现相亲对象是小俞时,觉得异常尴尬。但小俞却要坦然很多,显然,来这儿之前,他就知道对方是艾贝蒂。 “你好吗这几年?”小俞先开了口。上次在香港广场匆匆遇见后,他们没有留下任何的联系方式。其实如果真心要找,小俞也是能够通过朋友或者同学联络上艾贝蒂的,可他觉得没有必要。况且,那时候他一直是个有女朋友的人。但差不多半年前,小俞和前任女友分手了,因为觉得那个女孩并不是个适合婚姻的人。现在的他要实际很多,和四年前不同,不再是个为了一时欢乐而盲目和女孩子在一起的人。他想结婚,真心诚意地想结婚,所以才会绕过很多弯,开始以最为原始而朴实的相亲来结识女朋友。 艾贝蒂点了杯柚子蜂蜜茶,这是她读大学时最喜欢喝的。但现在,比起柚子茶,她其实更喜欢卡布奇诺。下意识点它,好像只是为了在此刻应景应情。眼前的小俞比起上一次见,要憔悴许多。也许只有身处恋爱中的男女,其身体面目才会有不一样的光彩。艾贝蒂向后仰了一下,叹了口气,回答:“还不错。” 他们的整场会面、谈话,都在平和中度过。小俞并没有对过去的事恨之入骨,反而重新检讨了自己一番。他说那时候工作不理想,自己也不够上进,一有空就打游戏,所以输给别人是应该的。 艾贝蒂摇头:“不是输给别人。你没有错也没有输,反而是因祸得福。离开我这样的女人,噢,不,祸害,是赢……” 我和毕绿、艾贝蒂走在夜里。已是近夏,我们很想去找家“安徽料理”(无证排档)吃,却路过了避风塘。我想起三年前也是在这家避风塘的露天室里,我兴冲冲地踩着双小高跟凉鞋,和毕绿、艾贝蒂聚会的样子。那时候我告诉她们,自己刚认识了一个捡到我手机的男人,名叫戴方克。那之后没多久,戴方克便成为我的男友。再过一段日子,他所做的一些事,又让他成为她俩在我面前开口必数落的男人。就因为这样,有很长一段时间,我刻意疏远了毕绿和艾贝蒂,不是因为感情浅了,而是怕靠得太近终有一天会因为戴方克的缘故坏了这友情。但她们很大度,在我任何需要人陪伴的时刻,总会第一时间打车而来。 我立定住,看了看三年前我们坐过的那间露天室。里面现在也坐满了人,高兴地说着话。天气非常好,很湿润,柔软。毕绿眼尖,看见了大堂里正在和女朋友吃饭的楚鸿,一把拽着我的胳膊往里拖。“楚鸿!”艾贝蒂走上去打招呼,毕绿则拉着我跟在身后。 看得出,维欧拉?黄并不太喜欢看到我们。她沉着脸看看楚鸿,再看一眼我,好似有很多话想说。一旁的毕绿和艾贝蒂则兴奋得像是两个做了件可以偷着乐坏事的小孩,满脸隐藏不住的笑,寻了大开心。但她们也不至于过火,看见远处有一张空桌,便马上说“慢吃”,拉着我去落座。这是我第一次见到楚鸿的女朋友。 我们点了避风塘的椒盐富贵虾、虾饺皇、菠萝油和一些汤河粉。 “肉不肉麻啊,你们俩几个小时里就这样在进行自我批评?”毕绿问艾贝蒂。她是在说前几天艾贝蒂和小俞相亲的事。艾贝蒂柱着两根筷子在桌上笃笃地敲,不回答,只笑,笑得很无奈。见过小俞后,很快她就打电话给那位同事的表姑妈,告诉她相亲的事情先不忙了,可她也并没有和小俞或者任何一个男人在一起,她只是觉得够了。后来,小俞向艾贝蒂提出过复合的意思,但被她拒绝了。 艾贝蒂觉得,即便小俞现在已经能够坦然地面对那次背叛,并且既往不咎,她艾贝蒂也不再是以前的谢堇了。况且,如果再和小俞在一起,那这一辈子,她就要活在一种背叛过后的赎罪里。她忘不掉自己以前做过的,也不相信小俞能够完全释怀。过去的事实证明,他们并不合适。最初因为外表的相互吸引和年轻的热情,时间久了,都淡了,所有矛盾后来也一一显现。她不会笨到再去证明一遍已经证明过的事。 “分手的理由有很多种,但和好的理由却只有一个,那就是原来导致分手的那个理由,现在不存在了,或者说,当初的那个矛盾已经解决了。可我和他并没有。表面看来,当初分手是因为英昊的出现,但我心里知道,即便没有这个英昊,也会有另一个英昊。”艾贝蒂说。 当然,如果那时候小俞没有发现英昊的事,他们会不会分手现在很难说。可是既然已经分了,并且还分了这么久,那再回头有什么意义?未来的路很长,都走不完,老惦记那些走过的路干吗呢? 华夫向毕绿求婚了。在钱柜,他突然掏出一只红丝绒小盒子递到毕绿面前,用意大利语问她:“愿意吗?”当时在场的很多人都惊呆了,一来是因为他们从相识到现在才半年多,二来大家都没有准备。来这个地方唱歌,只是为了敲一记楚鸿的竹杠,他刚拿到华夫公司服装片的报酬。可谁都没有想到,这场凌晨一点才开始的“飙歌会”后来会变成华夫的求婚仪式。 毕绿在我家,显得很焦灼。她一会儿上阁楼来看看我写的新长篇进度如何了,一会儿自己捏着手机看,唉声叹气。我放下手里的电脑,抱着coco下阁楼。 我说:“你干吗这么紧张,不就是结婚吗?你不是一直都很想的吗?”话一说出去,才感觉不妥,因为在毕绿听来,这明显还有其他意思在里面。 毕绿看了我一眼。我摇头说:“我不是那个意思。”她从我的手里接过coco,抱在胸口轻轻地拍打,好像在哄一个孩子入睡。 我问她要喝什么,她说红酒。 我冲她瞪眼:“还想骗我喝酒!你酒量好,喝再多都没事,我喝一点就出事了。想起那个情人节,心里仍不由得发怵。” “出了什么事?”毕绿放下怀里的coco,让它自己去猫爬架上玩。和戴方克的最后一次谈话已经过去了大半年,我却仍没能在毕绿和艾贝蒂面前对这件事的终结坦诚。也许在她们看来,这场孽缘的终结,实在有些出乎所有人的意料。 但往往,事情会让你觉得意外,只是因为你还不够了解。 我和戴方克的最后一次见面是在与顾姳的谈话后。我们约在一个过去常会去的酒吧里,他把家里的钥匙还给我。记得很早之前,我对戴方克说过,对于女人而言,钥匙就是一种身份的象征。两个人能拥有同一把钥匙,回同一个家,应该视为某种承诺。可在他和毕绿与艾贝蒂闹僵后,戴方克总爱以她们为例子来与我辩驳。他说:“你怎么就能接受自己的朋友婚外恋、情外恋,却把我赶出去,对我这么残酷冷漠?”对于这样的短信和电话,我通常是沉默。这时才知道,在戴方克的心里,从没有觉得这么做是不对的,是不好的,他只是后悔事情没能遮掩好,让我发现了去。那么,我想,如果我是个愚钝点不那么敏感的女子,也许在他的甜言蜜语和我们虚幻的幸福之下,我能活得很开心。 戴方克明显瘦了,穿一件深蓝色的毛衣坐在我面前,说到动情处,又哭了。他怪责我当初撵他走,也怪责我对其拼命挽回无动于衷。我很想忍住不哭,很想标榜了姿态,收回钥匙就走人。可那一刻,我却坐住了,看着他,也闭起眼睛来流泪。我说:“事到如今,你都和她同居了,我还能说什么,你又还需要说什么?如果上辈子是我夏天欠你的,那么这辈子,这两年,要还的都已经还够了……” 这些对白,原本我听人说,会觉得很矫情。什么上辈子这辈子下辈子的,人活一世,也没有谁该欠谁的。可临到自己身上,我还是这么说了。也许只有这样,才能让我找到一个借口去宽慰自己的懦弱与愚蠢。是啊,除了说是命,又还能多说什么? 我和毕绿坐在沙发上喝酒。如果不是她来,我都忘记了家里还有两瓶很好的皮艾蒙特红酒。那是上次顾姳和乔枫去法国旅行时带回来送我的。红酒的气味很香,入口也不酸。我们坐着,相互看。我笑,她叹气,却是幸福地叹气。其实我知道对于毕绿而言,现在的很多慌张都显得有些庸人自扰,又或许,因为受过一次沉重的伤,她对于男人,对于婚姻,会有不自觉的恐惧。 “你说,如果我结婚了,很多年以后,会不会变成另一个汪然?”毕绿问道。 她的头发更长了,垂在耳边。这一年她没有再去染那个标志性的金黄色,而保持了原来的纯黑,这让她看起来恭良许多。 我摇头:“按照你的性格,你成不了汪然。” 她看我,说:“其实汪然不笨,甚至可以说,很聪明,但聪明得有些病态。” 这个时候,我才知道,第五年英飒的生日,毕绿在北京究竟发生了什么。 那次,汪然约了毕绿出来见面。她开着车带毕绿逛了一圈北京城,一边开一边和毕绿说着她跟英飒的过去。他们也是大学同学,当时汪然是学校的学生会主席,英飒不过是个体育社的社长。青涩男孩还没有长开,她却早已是楚楚动人。毕业后,他们结婚了。刚开始汪然赚钱要比英飒多,但为了孩子,她还是辞职做起了全职太太。而英飒也从公司的小职员一路做到参股董事,事业上顺风顺水。 “大部分男人有钱了,身边如果还只有一个女人,他们都会不甘心。”汪然把车停在自己家门口,说。从十年前她第一次发现英飒在外面还有别的女人起,她就决定了开始装傻。其实五年前毕绿第一次在英飒公司楼下站着时,汪然就看到她了。那么窄一条马路,有个小女孩愣愣地站在对面呆呆地望着自己,她怎么会没有感觉呢?英飒半夜三点,从家里偷偷地开车出去,她又怎么可能睡得着呢? “但我累了,也不想不愿意去管了。只要他还把这里当成一个家,对两个孩子好,没忘了本分。”汪然打开房门,让毕绿进来,可毕绿不愿意。 她问汪然:“你这是什么意思?” 汪然却笑了,说:“你还年轻。我知道上次在生日宴上英飒已经在你和我之间表了态,你觉得不甘心。可我想告诉你,你了解的英飒不会比我深。他是一个怎样的男人,我心里比你更清楚。我这一辈子跟了他,现在要后悔已经来不及了。但话说回来,除去男人的通病——喜新厌旧,英飒是一个很招女孩喜欢的男人。但我知道对于一个年轻女孩而言,'专一'是她们放在感情里第一位的,所以如果是这样,你应该去找一个能够满足你这种要求的男孩,而不是英飒这样的男人。” 原本毕绿和英飒已经有很长时间不联系也不见面了,毕绿心里对于他有爱,也有怨。那次在生日宴上,的确英飒已经在婚姻和情人之间表了态,什么更重要,什么是在台面上该说的话,做的事,他都已经说了做了有了立场。也正是那些将毕绿伤害得很深。可她还是有惯性的,在第五年英飒生日时,又去了北京。她没有告诉英飒,却住进了同一家饭店。就这样,汪然知道了,这才有她主动找毕绿的事。 末了,汪然掏出一些照片来给她看,那上面是一个个英飒,和很多个不同的女人,其中当然也包括了毕绿。汪然告诉毕绿,其实这一年英飒在上海又有了另一个情人,这次连生日他都没有回北京过,而是和那个情人去了香港。说着,她指了指照片上的人,给毕绿看,是个更年轻漂亮的女孩,短发,斜挎了一只背包,被英飒搂得很紧。十年来,通过私家侦探,英飒在哪里做过些什么,她汪然心里一清二楚。 看着那些照片,毕绿愣住了。她觉得很可怕。眼前这些照片上的男人很可怕,而且可恶;可眼前的这个女人也很可怕,还很可怜。回上海的飞机上,毕绿做了一个梦,她梦见自己回到了重庆。在那间老火锅店里,英飒向她索要电话号码时,她拒绝了。 拒绝了。 four 游戏机房的不期而遇后,戴方克又给我发过几次短信。从小芹口中我得知,他已经和那个“戴GF”分了手。但这是否属实,我已经不能确定,至少是戴方克自己这么和那个叫米小舒的女孩说的。由始至终,我都没有去见过那位“戴GF”,也没有把戴方克过去的事情告诉她。其实也许,如果我只是个局外人,会有心存一善的好意去做提醒。可身处在这样一个位置,我的任何话,都可能被视为是嫉妒或者泄愤。那样,我又何必去多费口舌?而在心底,也许还有一个见不得光的报复私心吧,觉得既然你可以用那种寻衅的语气来对待我,那么,这条弯路,就该你走的吧。 最后,我回了八个字给戴方克:若得真情,哀矜勿喜。 但他看不看得懂,就不知道了。 当我在Peter的合同上签下“夏天”两个字后,顾姳给我打了个电话,说她和乔枫一起约我吃饭。吃饭的地方在我家附近的一间餐馆,那原是我和楚鸿经常会去的小饭馆,后来改建过,扩成四个门面的大饭店。老板娘却还是原来的那位。 见着我来,老板娘显得很熟络,拉着我站在收银台边说了很多话,比如,怎么这么久不见了,那个楚鸿也是的,好像都快一年没来了。我说他现在是大摄影师了,忙着呢。刚说完一回头,就看见楚鸿和顾姳乔枫一起走进来。顾姳说正好下午和楚鸿一起见一个美国的客户,所以便和他顺道一起过来了。自从上次在避风塘见过后,我们有好几个月都没有任何联络了,只听顾姳偶尔说起他的近况,好像刚获了一个青年摄影家的奖。他将头发留长了,和顾骜一样,扎了一把辫子在脑后。我觉得这样不如过年时的他好看了,却也没有多加评论。我们俩同时脱口而出:“你好。” 又是一句“你好”,又是同样的地方。 楚鸿说他打算搬摄影棚了。已经在莫干山路看中了一间仓库,也有一百多平米,搬过来后拍片和做事情会方便很多。 顾姳替他补充:“更重要的是,莫干山路有它在上海艺术圈里特殊的地位。” 我明白她的意思,以后如果有人想要收楚鸿的作品,去莫干山路的确要比去那个市郊仪表厂来得更像那么回事。 但乔枫在一旁发话,说:“什么地位不地位的,关键是要自己拍好片子。其他的,都是假的,是虚名,全是你们这样的经纪人弄出来的噱头。骗谁呢。” 顾姳张着滚圆的眼睛瞪他:“没有我们,你能有今天的别墅住?骗谁呢。” 我告诉顾姳,已经和Peter签了约,他把合约的年限从十年改为六年。 她显得很高兴,对我说:“早就该这样了。你也别再浪费时间了,快点整理吧。” 饭吃到一半,楚鸿的电话响了。电话那头,维欧拉?黄好像正在生气。他举着手里的电话,从座位上站起来,朝窗外张望。 他说:“你在哪?我怎么没看见你?”说着,那边电话便掐断了,于是他只好匆匆先告辞。 刚才碍于有楚鸿在,顾姳没有说乔奇善的事。现在见楚鸿离开去哄女朋友了,便将椅子拉得离我近些,说:“夏天,小芹应该跟你说了吧,George明年春天就要回美国了。他现在这样的年纪,也不可能结婚,所以小芹和他……” 乔枫打断了顾姳的话,说:“小孩的事情让他们自己去处理吧,没必要瞎操心。” 顾姳有些动气,说:“你知道什么!我们顾家和他们夏家是几十年的老邻居了。这事情要是弄坏了,小芹伤心不算,还会伤害到我们两家的感情。所以我早说了,这事情在还来得及控制的时候,就应该像掐火苗一般,掐了它。” 想起小芹那晚的眼泪和迷茫,一时之间,我也不知道当初做那样的决定放任她和乔奇善自由发展,是对还是错。因为如果明知道未来的障碍巨大,可能带来的伤害也巨大,那么,作为看过很多分分合合的人,是不是应该及早提醒?就像顾姳说的那样,在爱情火苗还没蹿起来的时候,掐了它。 艾贝蒂开始读GRE和托福的课程了。她打算出国去留学。 做战地记者,一直都是艾贝蒂的梦想,也是她当初报考新闻系的初衷。在台历上,艾贝蒂写下每次考核的时间和分数,觉得很满意。生活一旦有了这个目标与寄托,一切都会不同起来。她和汤姆又联系上了,知道他在南非已经结婚生子。汤姆说很对不起,没有守约。艾贝蒂却显得很宽容,她说可以谅解,毕竟时间和距离是爱情的最大障碍。汤姆给她看儿子的照片,皮肤很白眼睛碧蓝的一个婴孩。艾贝蒂看着,觉得心生出喜爱来。忽然就在这一天,她发现,对于过去,对于爱情曾给她带来的伤害,她竟然能放下了。每到周末,她坐车去原来的大学自习。坐在熟悉的教室里,看年轻新鲜的学生们,她觉得生活虽然很残酷,却也让她在经过后,变得命运丰厚起来。她看见草坪上热恋相拥的大学生情侣,看见毛主席像后偷偷接吻的中学生,都觉得仿佛回到了过去。那些灿烂的、青春的岁月里,她也做过如此痴狂之事。只是现在,那些都成为了回忆。 英昊带着水晓君回北京养胎后,再也没有来上海。艾贝蒂知道,在英昊的MSN上,她的名字被改成了王富贵,这是后来英昊自己告诉她的。他们已经能像老朋友那样相互开玩笑。王富贵啊王富贵,有时候,艾贝蒂会这么想,这个英昊如今在她面前半点掩饰都不需要有了,是最赤裸裸的一个人,一个男人,一个已婚男人。虽然现在她有点看不起他,但是那么浅淡地聊天,这两个人却不再有任何感情上的纠葛。 庄子说,哀莫大于心死。可鲁迅后来又说,哀莫大于心不死。艾贝蒂同意后者,她觉得只是因为不死心,才会心生出悲哀来。而自己对于英昊的心,早死了。 Wu 毕绿并没有跟英飒走远。原本英飒想带她去自己的公寓,可她拒绝了。 她问英飒:“你想做什么?” 英飒说:“不做什么,我只是想和你说会儿话。” “那车停路边,就在车上说吧。”毕绿说。 英飒将车停下来,转过身来问毕绿:“想清楚了?”他告诉毕绿,自己刚知道汪然找过她。 “你是知道的,对汪然,我只剩下亲情。我心里是爱你的。很爱。” 毕绿笑了,冷笑。她没有告诉他汪然给她看过的照片,但对于这一句“爱你的,很爱”,她觉得恶心,是真的出自于内心的恶心。路灯透着车窗玻璃打进来,照射在英飒的脸上。毕绿这一天才发现,英飒老了。他眼角早已有很多皱纹,发际线也高了。过去,在床上,英飒时常会显现出来的力不从心,在这一刻又重新跃上了记忆。当时,毕绿心疼他,觉得是因为生活压力大,才过早地压垮了这个男人的身体。可现在,她觉得自己当初就应该放肆地去取笑他,省得他还在其它地方寻花问柳丢人现眼。最后,毕绿什么都没有说。 她下车,对着英飒说:“再见。”同时心里默念,再也不要见。 她恨英飒,是真的恨。虽然人们说,没有爱就没有恨。可在毕绿心里,这个男人让她看到了人性最丑陋的一面。他爱不爱她,她心里也早已有了答案。因为无论这爱是什么,有多深,他最爱的,永远是他自己。对于这样的人,毕绿的确是爱不起了,但她却有千万条理由去憎恶。 大芳来找我的时候,肚子已经有些微隆。 她并不知道戴方克的事,一进门就问:“你那英俊男朋友呢?” 我摇摇头:“跟人跑了。” 因为是孕妇,我觉得她不应该久留这个养猫之地,便带着她去了“时光”咖啡馆。 我问大芳:“你最近好吗?还在原来的'单位'吗?” 她点头,说来找我是想问我要一个蔡大夫的电话,以便日后可以去调理一下身子。接着,大芳又感慨结婚真是不容易啊,一点一滴的小事情都容易吵架,真没劲……谈话到后来,她又突然问道:“夏天,你认不认识王股这个人?” 因为做机关的内刊,大芳最近看到一篇报道云南和越南边境线上走私沉香的文章,里面正在通缉的人,就叫王股。据说以前还是写小说的,甚至在上海的文艺圈小有名气。她觉得我可能认识,便随口问了问。这时我才突然想起那时候艾贝蒂说的,房东王伯在越南标香的事,还有王股随我一起离开大理去到昆明时车上说的话。 回家后,我给艾贝蒂打了个电话,问他房东最近有没有和她们联系。她想了半天说好像有一段时间没联系了。我说那他们得赶紧整理一下东西,这房子估计住不久了。刚说到这,检察院就带着搜查令来敲门了。突然之间,毕绿和艾贝蒂变得无家可归。 有时候,“人祸”也会和“天灾”一样,令人猝不及防。 艾贝蒂提着箱子来我这儿借宿,毕绿则去了华夫家。艾贝蒂的随身行李里最重的是几本英文字典和语法书。她快要临考了,我便把阁楼腾出来给她复习。夜里,有时候我们聊天。有时候特别想毕绿,便一个电话把她也叫来。这时无论多晚,华夫都会亲自将她送来,然后自己离开;我们聊完天后,无论多晚,他又会照常从被窝里爬起来打车过来接毕绿回家。看得出,华夫很爱毕绿,也愿意给她自由与信任。而也许对于毕绿来说,也恰是因为有过去的那些经历,让她现在更加懂得珍惜华夫。临走时,我把送给过戴方克的八个字又转送给了毕绿:若得真情,哀矜勿喜。 毕绿说:“这八个字,真好。” 也许只有真正懂得什么是真情的人,才能明白这八个字的含义。 一个月后,王股死了。尸体被发现的时候,肌体组织已经开始腐烂。在大理,他从抽“草”开始慢慢染上了毒瘾。为了抵消这巨额的毒品消费,他和在泰国躲债的王伯联手做一些走私沉香的生意。可最近一次,一块黑棋楠在过边境线时被没收,这使得他和王伯,成为黑白两道都在通缉的人物。于是,王股干脆把酒吧顶了,带着自己在院子里种的那些“草”,上路了。在王股死后不久,王伯在广西自首。也许到最后他才觉得,虽然监牢会令人丧失自由,却是最安全的地方。艾贝蒂和毕绿都没有再见过王伯。案子结束后,她们被允许回到原来居住的地方整理自己的物品。两个人都站在客厅落地窗玻璃前许久。她们看了看对方,也看了看玻璃里模糊的自己,觉得生命何其脆弱。而一个人浮于这生世,走错一步,要再回头,又有多困难。但毕绿仍记得那个同学小红姐姐对自己说过的话,她说这条路走不走得回来,还是要看你自己。 在心里,毕绿很感激这一句话。无论是在重庆歌舞厅登台,还是后来和英飒纠葛的五年,她都庆幸自己还是走回来了。 艾贝蒂走进自己的卧室,将所有衣物都打包整理好。她已经在不远的地方重新找了个房子,单间的,十五平米大小。租约签了半年,半年后,她应该就去英国雷丁读新闻硕士了。艾贝蒂想起当初自己搬进来时的情形,她和毕绿两个人,对未来还充满了期待,哪怕这种期待令人觉得很渺茫,可那也该是最好的时光吧。现在的她,对未来也有期待,只