one My name is Xia Tian.Twenty-six years old, writer.At this moment, it is winter. When the wind picked up, I was walking on the road, with a slightly mild mood.The pace is not very fast, but I feel cold, so cold that I have to bury my face in a two-meter-long scarf, and there may be a few tears on it that haven't had time to dry.I want to speed up, but go slower and slower.Make a bend at a street corner, and then walk in the wind.Both sides of this long and narrow street are full of vendors selling potted bamboo.The potted bamboo is tied with a red ribbon, and it has a thriving color head, which is the scene of the New Year's Eve.They also tie in some roses.Of course, the price of these flower buds today is very different from yesterday, because it is already February 15th, the second day of Valentine's Day.

I picked a handful of pink pearl plums and turned on my phone while paying.There are several text messages, all of which are notifications of missed calls, one of which is from Gu Yu.A few hours ago, she was wearing a smoky gray cashmere coat, a light green long wool cardigan with a ruffled collar, and a pair of GUCCI sunglasses, waiting for me at the door of the "Time" cafe.Her hair is very long, and she looks charming in the still bright sunshine, and she has been used to being gorgeous since she was a child. The "Time" cafe is opened at the southern end of Xiangyang Road. It is only about 20 square meters inside and outside. It is full of people in the afternoon, half of them are foreigners, half of them are literary and artistic young men and women. It looks cheerful, messy and noisy.Usually, Gu Xi and I like its cappuccino and brownies very much, but today we feel that this is actually not a good place to talk privately, so we turn around and go out to find another place to sit down and talk, but we are suddenly caught People stopped: "Summer!"

I turned around and scanned the crowd roughly. I didn't find the source of the sound, but I knew it was a man's voice. I squeezed Gu Yu's arm, and there were still traces of sluggishness on my face. With a stiff face and weak eyes, I asked blankly, "Who called me?" As soon as the voice fell, a man in a black suit and a floral shirt raised his hand in the corner.Taking a closer look, it was Ying Hao. Three years ago, Ying Hao was the person in charge of the "City Life" section of "Today Morning Post". He dressed very "punk" and liked torn jeans and light brown framed glasses. He often put a pair of earphones in his ears and kept his hands in his pockets. He came to work tiredly.He also had a bit of a shrill laugh, much like the rock-and-roll guys I knew in Beijing.But today, Yinghao not only changed his identity, but also changed his dress, even his smile and laughter were completely different.He looked very clean, with a long hair tied behind his head, which was beyond my expectation.You know, in my conception in the past, "punk outfit" men were synonymous with "unkempt".But at this moment, Ying Hao, who had changed his attire, also changed the title of the business card he handed to Gu Xie, with a few glossy small characters printed on it: Executive Editor-in-Chief of xx Fashion Magazine.

I said, "I heard that you are getting married." When I said this, there were several meanings in it.I think Youngho understood.He seemed a little at a loss, and it took him a long time to burst out two words: "Yes." Then there were some polite lies, which was very official.Today, I suddenly found that this man is getting closer to his cousin Yingsha in the way of expression, but it seems a little unnatural and cramped, as if these words that should not be used by him have been used grandiosely, and I feel uncomfortable in my heart. Faint. When I walked out of "time", I thought about it carefully, the last time I saw Yinghao was a year ago.At that time he had not grown long hair, we met in the restaurant of a five-star hotel.I don't have any obvious memory of what he was wearing at that time, but the packing must not be as meticulous as today, so it was such a surprise when I saw him suddenly.But in fact, because of Alberti, the name "Yinghao" has always been around in my life, and it often rings in my ears, as if it is very familiar.Although I really met someone, after such a long time, it is inevitable that I feel unfamiliar.

Withdrew from "Time", Gu Yu and I found a relatively spacious and quiet tavern.Sitting in the corner, she wanted to listen to me, but I just kept crying and narrated intermittently.Gu Xi, who was sitting across from him, was gnashing his teeth angrily, wishing he could go out immediately and find a few gangsters to beat Dai Fangke up. "He's such a bastard!" Gu Xie said.Agitated and unable to control their voices, several foreigners at the next table turned to look at us, and the waiter was also standing at the bar counter, pretending to wipe glasses, while casting suspicious glances from time to time.What a shameful and frustrated woman do I look to them? Yes, I must look like a frustrated, sad, enlightened woman at this moment.

Every time I have to introduce my identity and occupation, I am always a little afraid of the word "writer", so I will habitually use the explanation of "sitting at home" to ridicule myself.I was also afraid that others would ask a few more questions, and continue to explore, such as "what are you writing about? Romance? Martial arts", "do you write with your body"... I don't know whether to correct it, or just laugh it off.However, I have been "not doing business" for a long time. For two full years, I have not written a word or written a book, but I still receive a fixed writing salary from a certain organization.There is a small blueprint that marks the authorship assigned to the agency.

Every day for these two years, I would think of a resolution: I will start writing a new novel tomorrow.At that time, my cohabiting boyfriend Dai Fangke also encouraged me from time to time.But his encouragement is all verbal, but his actual actions are completely different, because Dai Fangke's requirements for his girlfriend are: care, companionship and concern, and an adverb "every moment" is added in front of it.In addition, he is better at creating "little episodes" to disrupt our lives, which are related to other women.Later, I would often ask myself whether he was too negligent or I was too vigilant, so that the days were always calm for a short period of time, and then turned upside down. Half a year ago, the last time, I couldn't bear it and chose to drive him out.

But driving out does not mean an end, although in terms of form, I long for an end. "What kind of medicine did that bastard Dai Fangke give you?" Gu Yan stretched out a finger to poke my forehead.The fingers are very white.Over the past two years, I have heard too much of this kind of indisputable accountability, and it has all fallen on deaf ears.Someone scolded me for being weak, but for those who scolded me, I was very strong. I turned my head and accepted Dai Fangke's tears, confession and guarantee.A posture that I am going to hit the south wall, and no one should stop me.

Early this morning, I was woken up by a text message signed "Dai GF".At this time, I remembered that on the night of Valentine's Day last night, when I was drinking and singing in KTV with my two close friends, Bi Lu and Alberti, I indeed sent a blank text message to Dai Fangke while I was drunk.Such things would not be done when sober, but relying on alcohol, many things that would not be done have been done one by one.In fact, drinking is just an excuse. When you are tired of making all the decisions, you will want to let go of your rationality and defenses and act recklessly. Even if you are very clear in your heart, you will always return to the sober morning in the end.But I didn't expect that this blank text message brought me the news that Dai Fangke had lived with this "Dai GF" half a year ago, and it also made this "Dai GF" take a high profile identified me.

"Are you surprised?" Gu Xi sneered a little. I pursed my lips, lowered my head, and nodded lightly. "What's wrong with you!" She finally started to speak English.Every time when she gets anxious, the first sentence that Gu Xi jumps out must be English. "What a big surprise!" She was so angry that she slammed on the table with a spoon. Just then, her husband Qiao Feng called.I bowed my head, didn't make a sound, just shed tears.In fact, many times, I feel that I am not a person who is good at expressing emotions, and crying seems to be just a habitual action.In the past, whenever I found that Dai Fangke was in trouble, I had no other way to express it except tears.So throughout the day, I just repeated daze and tears.When Gu Xi called Qiao Feng, I suddenly thought of the word "sad".I asked myself the question "Are you sad?", and felt that maybe it wasn't sad, because there are many tears and dull emotions, such as humiliation, shock, panic... Thinking about it carefully, this time there is only a few Sad.Maybe it's because I've been sad too many times and it's exhausted.Maybe this result is also reasonable, after all, we broke up.So I deleted all the text messages of nostalgia, redemption, confession, and promises that Dai Fangke sent after the breakup, which lasted until last week.He has always been a person who is afraid of loneliness and insecurity, so he is always afraid that he has no way out.

Then maybe, for a while, that woman was Dai Fangke's retreat, but then, slowly, I became a retreat.Of course, when he found out that I was no longer as soft-hearted as before and ignored his text messages and phone calls, my retreat also lost its meaning.And he had already carried the suitcase and went from one woman to another. At the end, Gu Xi hung up the phone and said with emphasis on every word: "From one woman to another. It is his lifestyle!" I declined Gu Xie's invitation to have dinner together, and I walked home.The sun slowly receded into the dark clouds, like a vortex disappearing rapidly.The wind came out from the vortex, and began to mix with wet rain, which was very cold on the face.I pressed the pearl plum firmly against my body and walked against the wind. The phone in my pocket suddenly rang non-stop, so I tried to free one hand to answer the phone. It's Bi Lu.She and Alberti are cooking at home, and they want to invite me, the woman who was drunk with them the night before, to have a "sister reunion dinner" before the Spring Festival.I also declined.The reason for the refusal was: tired and too cold outside.In fact, I feel that I don't want to eat anything, and I don't want them to see the clues in their emotions.I tend to think that the best way to recover from an injury is to hide. Looking at the phone again, there was another missed call from Chu Hong.He was the one who sent me back last night, and downstairs we hugged again with the strength of wine.I seem to be crying, crying very loudly, but now I can't remember anything.Before going upstairs, he asked me to have dinner with him today.I seemed to agree at the time. When the call came, Chu Hong was editing the picture at home.I said I was a little tired and the appointment was cancelled. When I got home, a kitten I raised was still in the attic tirelessly calling for spring.She is almost eight months old, and her name is Coco, which is the same name as the woman who lives in the Ritz Hotel.But I really didn't have any strength to hug it and coax it. I retracted into the quilt, kicked off my shoes, and fell asleep after a cold war.The head still hurts, but falling asleep so quickly and carelessly is a good thing for a severe insomniac.I think it's probably because I'm tired from crying. two I sat in front of a big round table, and the master of ceremonies was still shouting excitedly on the stage.Yinghao and his bride Shui Xiaojun are like two sticks of wood, with complex and indistinguishable smiles on their faces.Alberti didn't bother to look at it, and just ate it by herself.She thought the dishes in this restaurant were pretty good, and she counted the possible seasonings in it while eating.This woman is born with a good tongue, not only when trying food, but also when kissing and doing other things.She is the editor of the food edition of a fashion weekly with high sales volume. It is her job to contact different restaurants to eat and drink for free, and those restaurants are also eagerly looking forward to her arrival. On the third day after I met Yinghao in Time, I received his wedding card.The wedding card is light blue, which is quite refined.But Ebetty disapproved of their wedding and thought it was vulgar.This is the evaluation of the whole marriage, because the child is married. Bi Lu is also eating, but she is from Chongqing, and she is not used to the wedding banquet of this gang, so she looks around to find the waiter, and wants to ask them for a plate of chili sauce.At this time, there was a sudden commotion on the stage. It turned out that the bride had passed out.When Shui Xiaojun fell down, he crushed several balloons, and the sound and screams were intertwined.Alberti put down her chopsticks and looked around gloatingly.When Yinghao walked past her with the bride in his arms, Alberti gave him a hard look. "Oh, I haven't caught the hydrangea yet!" Bi Lu said.The chili sauce she asked for didn't come either. Because Shui Xiaojun was pregnant and tired at the wedding, she had a threatened miscarriage.When she was sent to the hospital, the doctor asked her to stay in the hospital for observation for a week to see the movement of the fetus.But these few days happened to be the Spring Festival, and the Shui family thought it was a newlywed, and it would be unlucky to spend the New Year in the hospital, so they tried their best to persuade Yinghao to take his wife back to Beijing to have a baby.On MSN, Alberti joked that Ying Hao has now been reduced to a "manservant".She has a breath of air in her heart, and occasionally she will flirt with her a word or two on it.She hopes that Shui Xiaojun, who is already Yinghao's wife, will see it, and see the world to be lively. Otherwise, why should she back down all the way, and make her lose her boyfriend, love and new boyfriend? It's not fair! Back home, Bi Lu and Alberti each packed their luggage.They called me and asked me to make sure not to go home with any of them for the New Year.Before this call came, my parents also called, asking me to confirm whether I would really not go to Xiamen with them in the Spring Festival family tour group organized by the neighborhood committee.I confirmed both calls, no. Except for Gu Yu, I didn't tell anyone what happened on the second day of Valentine's Day, including Bi Lu and Alberti.It's just that I found that in the past few days, the housework is very labor-saving, and all the dishes can be washed quickly. After washing, I feel that it may not be clean, so I wash it again.But when the dishes were washed thin and the floor was mopped, I felt very dazed again, and my mind went blank.So I dismantled the two-meter-long scarf and bought a knitting book to learn other patterns.When I can't sleep at night, I drink some beer. In fact, I know clearly that even if I drink too much, I won't get out of control and go to find Dai Fangke again, but I still don't allow myself to drink too much, for fear that I will feel uncomfortable in my stomach.I have abused my stomach for twenty-six years. I just went to the hospital for an IV drip a few months ago. I sat alone in a poorly ventilated infusion room before I realized one thing: people should treat themselves better, especially It's about your own body. On the evening of New Year's Eve, Chu Hong stayed with me. Originally, I didn't know that he would stay in Shanghai for the New Year.In my plan, I want to cook some simple dishes by myself, eat a bowl of "rolled paper noodles", and then take the fireworks I bought to the entrance of the alley to set off.I haven't set off fireworks by myself for many years, but I have always liked the smell of fireworks. I think it stimulates nerves, is very sexy and attractive.When I was a child, my cousin Xiaoqin once set off fireworks, and the fireworks exploded, blowing off a hairpin on her head.That year, Xiaoqin's cries and aunt's screams were particularly ear-piercing and frightening. Since then, I have never dared to set off fireworks by myself. In the past, I saw a film about Jacqueline, called.When I watched it, I thought the metaphor of fireworks is really good, because what else can beat the feeling of loneliness after the fireworks burn out? No matter how lively and gorgeous, in the end, it is still nothing but loneliness.But why are there so many people, still because of the excitement and splendor, they would rather choose to temporarily ignore the loneliness that may come in the future? If I want to answer this question, I can only say that it is still because of loneliness. When I am lonely, I think only fireworks can set off the best loneliness.Let it be lively and gorgeous, maybe it will be like the future I want.But as to whether this will be the case in the future, I have no way of knowing. When the noodles were already cooking in the pot, Chu Hong rang the doorbell downstairs.Before he came, he didn't call ahead.I walked through a long communal kitchen corridor, my nose filled with the smell of food.The old houses in Shanghai are like this, no matter which one cooks something, everyone can smell it.I used to find this smell very annoying, especially the old lady who lives on the second floor likes to use milk to cook and eat. The milk smell is all over the corridor, which is a bit disgusting.Today, I suddenly felt that this miscellaneous smell made my heart moist, warm, and eager for it. Opening the door, a bottle of red wine was handed up first, followed by Chu Hong's face. "You didn't go back?" I was a little surprised, originally he said that he took a long-distance bus back to his hometown in northern Jiangsu this morning. "Well. The long-distance bus is privately owned. They suddenly said that they would not take this bus, and let us take other busses. I didn't like it, so I just called home and said I couldn't return it. It's fine. It's not free to come to your company, I brought a bottle of wine." Chu Hong still had obvious road dust on his face, his throat was a little dry, and he coughed a few times. I felt a warm current rushing up my spine, and I was very happy, but I couldn't tell whether there was any residual love in this warm current.Maybe, maybe not. It has been three years since Chu Hong and I broke up. Because of Chu Hong's arrival, we got together and went to the nearest hypermarket to add vegetables. We bought a silky chicken, some cabbage, frozen dumplings and steak.I quickly made it in the kitchen.Chu Hong wanted to help, but I only gave him the task of watching Tang Huo.When I was with him four years ago, I was just a girl who couldn't cook anything, but he could cook well.When I went to eat at his house, he was always busy in the kitchen.When I was young, my father was also a man who could cook very well.He said that whether a man loves this woman or not depends on whether he is willing to cook a meal for her.But when I grew up, I remembered this sentence backwards, and felt that to express my love for a man and express my lifelong expectations, I had to cook a meal for him with my own hands.So I have always refused to learn to cook, because I was afraid that my hands would itch and I would forget my father's words. three When I woke up in the afternoon on the first day of the new year, my head still hurt a little.A little dim light came in through the curtains, and it was raining outside.Chu Hong was lying on the sofa with a down jacket on, and he seemed to be sleeping peacefully.He looks fairer, has a gentle personality, and rarely loses his temper.On the floor were two red wine glasses with their bottoms still broken.I remembered that we seemed to have talked a lot last night, but I was almost the one talking, and Chu Hong listened silently.He has been like this for the past two years and will not comment.Sometimes when I cried, he would reach out and touch my head, and sigh to himself. I struggled to get out of bed and bent over to clean the floor.The sound of wine glasses colliding with each other woke him up. He looked a little embarrassed, sat up straight, and said, "Are you awake? I'll collect it—" Speaking of which, the phone rang.Chu Hong frowned, stroked his face with the other hand, and said to the microphone in inflected Chinese: "Wait a minute." Then he handed me the phone, "I don't understand his English." The caller was an Italian man, the planning manager of a certain luxury brand, who had been introduced by Chu Hong's friend before.He wants to ask Chu Hong to meet, and take a set of fashion photos of the brand to put on the postcard of the flagship store.The Italian man used the word "interview" to describe the meeting, and I said for Chu Hong in a very pretentious way: "He is famous!" Then I pushed back the date for several days before finalizing a date for an appointment. Tianzifang, Taikang Road.After hanging up the phone, when I told Chu Hong that it was Tian Zifang, both of them smiled unnaturally. Chu Hong went to Suzhou by train on the second day of the Lunar New Year.His current girlfriend Viola Huang is from Suzhou.The reason why she is called by her foreign name is because no one seems to know her Chinese name, or everyone has ignored it.It's like Alberti's real name is Xie Jin, and Alberti is just her editor's signature in a magazine, but there are many people who call it Xie Jin, and everyone is not sensitive to who Xie Jin is.Alberti, Alberti, this name is also easy to remember. For two nights, Chu Hong did not accompany me to set off fireworks.I don't want to keep him company.Perhaps such a brilliant and ultimately bleak thing is not suitable for us to do together.As soon as it got dark on the night of the second day of junior high school, I went to the entrance of the alley alone with fireworks.At the entrance of the alley, there are already many children bustling around a circle of "Little Spinning Top" fireworks.They prick the fuse with daddy's cigarettes.As soon as it was stabbed a little, he immediately ran away covering his ears and "babbling".After a long time, those "little tops" sprang up, spun around, made one bend after another, changing seven or eight colors.The air is already filled with the smell of gunpowder, my favorite smell. I took out a Zhongnanhai No. 5 to light it up, and when the sparks were a little ambiguous, it would ignite my fuse.It is a kind of very peaceful firework, which stands still in one place, and when it burns out, there will be a black mouth, emitting smoke.The smoke rose into the air and melted into the night, into the solitude and bustle of many other places.One after another, some high-altitude fireworks also rose, stabbing at Mo Lan suddenly, and then exploded to pieces, catering to the cheers of the people on the ground with their corpses. So, do they have feelings? Do they have souls? Can they feel that such a splendid time is worthwhile even if they are smashed to pieces? After setting off all the fireworks, I put my hands in my pockets, and a whole box of newly opened Zhongnanhai No. 5 was missing a few.It's been two years since I quit smoking.In the past, my favorite smoke was actually the cheap “Jia Tianxia” in plain packs. I also smoked Zhongnanhai, Double Happiness, Baiwan... flue-cured or mixed types, it doesn’t matter.But why did he suddenly quit? Oh, it was because of Dai Fangke again, he didn't like girls smoking.If I smoke, he doesn't refuse, but he also smokes, and then coughs violently.In short, if I smoke one, he will follow one until I quit smoking completely. I told Bi Lu before that my dependence on cigarettes is more psychological.So I stopped smoking, and I felt panic every day, and I didn't have a peaceful life.The night before we kicked Dai Funk out of our house, I was sitting on the balcony smoking a cigarette by myself.That night, his peaceful life was exhausted because of one of his lies.Facing his arrogance, I swallowed all the anger I wanted to burst out, swallowed it mouthful, and inhaled the smoke in my lungs with each blow.That night, the moon was very round, so round that people felt that it really illuminated the night too brightly, and it also cooled my heart with this cold light. Tonight, I can't help but look up, want to see the moon again, but it goes deep into the clouds, sometimes brighter and sometimes completely hidden.Maybe it can also know that this heart can no longer stand any drying. "Be honest, what are you doing?" Bi Lu asked sharply on the phone.She was always like this, surprised and surprised.It was fried into the pot like chili seeds, crackling, and some tears must be smoked out. "I just smoked a cigarette, and now I'm taking Coco down from the attic. She may have finished her estrus, and she's very quiet now." I replied, and then put aside my own question, "What are you doing?" The classical Chinese format that I like to use sounds polite, but it also has a sense of humor. "I'm in Beijing." She said.After finishing talking, he talked nonsense about things like going to see the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and Yongfu Palace, which was completely irrelevant. "Are you looking for him again?" I asked.This he refers to Ying Sa, Ying Hao's cousin. "Yeah." She replied.Then there was a long silence. An enthusiastic woman falls silent because of two situations: one, she is tired; two, she is hurt.Bi Lu at the moment belongs to the first category.She is about the same age as me, and Yingsa is fifteen years older than her.His birthday was at the end of February, so in the past five years, while she and he had maintained an extramarital relationship in two places, she also flew to Beijing on time on this day unshakably.Sometimes, he can find an excuse to spend time with her, sometimes he can't, and sometimes, there is only one plane ticket to be delivered by courier, plus a rose.In the first year, she got on the plane crying.At that time, she just found out that Yingsa had a wife and a pair of children in Beijing.In the second year, she boarded the plane under Yingsha's embrace.At that time, their relationship had just entered a stable stage and was still very sweet.In the third year, Ying Sa couldn't see her off because of a meeting, but he walked out during the meeting and called Bi Lu to say goodbye.In the fourth year, he added a rose while expressing the ticket.But Bi Lu said that she was a little flustered when she saw the rose, because Yingsa had never sent her any flowers.She asked, but he said it was too superfluous to spend such a gift.So, when she suddenly saw the rose at that moment, she already felt that many feelings began to take a turn for the worse.Perhaps, that rose contained a lot of heroic guilt.After all, four years.And this fifth year? She didn't mention a word. When Bi Lu returned to Shanghai, she lost a lot of weight, her complexion was sallow, and she was often in a daze for no reason.She comes to my place, and sometimes she takes a nap on the sofa with a pillow in her arms.I called her, and when I looked up, there was a face full of tears.At this time, I really want to tell her the last thing about myself and Dai Fangke, the so-called soothe the other's wound with my own pain.But every time we sit and watch face to face, we don’t know where to start.Perhaps, what she needs, and what I need, is silence. The people who go back to the city during the Chinese New Year are returning to the city one after another, the little girl in the fruit shop downstairs, the proprietress in the takeaway shop, the migrant workers squatting on the side of the road with lunch boxes on the construction site... and those who go out to travel are also returning to the city. Returning in good spirits with big and small bags.Just because the New Year has passed, everyone has an indescribable expectation in their hearts.What to look forward to? Everything new start. four Alberti also came back from his hometown in Shanxi.She noticed Bi Lu's strangeness, so she didn't dare to ask her directly, but called me first.It is said that after hanging up the phone, she took Bi Lu to a bar to throw darts.It was there that Bi Lu met Mr. Waffle, an Italian man.After many days, Bi Lu said an old saying: The best way to get out of one relationship is to start another one. Mr. Huafu was the one who made an appointment with Chu Hong in Tianzifang.Before he and Bi Lu met, I had already dealt with him for a week as the assistant of the "famous photographer" Chu Hong.He is not tall, with a bit of South American descent, curly hair is dark brown, and there are two dimples on his cheeks when he smiles, he looks quite charming.It's a pity that his English is not very good, and sometimes he has to use body language when he talks about key points.In the end, Chu Hong received this lucrative job.After the contract was signed, he asked Waffle, who had just arrived in Shanghai, to sit in a bar.Because Ms. Huang has already returned, I feel that it is inconvenient for me to follow.In fact, after Chu Hong fell in love with that Suzhou girl, I never met her face to face, and only heard about it from some friends. In this way, Alberti and Bi Lu, who went to the bar to drink and play, met Chu Hong, Wa Fu and Viola Huang. In the bar, Waffle and Bi Lu were already fighting fiercely.Bi Lu was originally a translator and editor for an Italian publishing group stationed in Shanghai, so Italian is naturally a no-brainer.Alberti was very curious about what they were talking about, but Bi Lu went out of the bar, followed Waffle into his taxi, and stuck his head out of the window and said something in Italian to her: "Goodbye!" too much. Alberti felt worried and reached out to stop the taxi.She opened the door and asked Bi Lu, "Are you all right?" Bi Lu repeated in Chinese: "Goodbye." Then he closed the door and shrank into Waffle's arms, and left. Alberti, who went home alone, looked very disappointed.She called me and said she was coming to stay overnight.I was just starting the beginning of a novel, sitting in the attic and typing rhythmically, when I looked up, the wall clock was already two o'clock in the morning.Outside the window, the overhead light of Hang Lung has been turned off, and only a rough outline is shown in the clouds.I got up and opened the window to get rid of the cigarette smell.The night air smells really good. Alberti was still on her cell phone when she rang the doorbell downstairs.When I went to open the door, she yelled at the phone: "Go to hell!" and cut it off.I smelled a faint smell of alcohol on her body.Reaching out to pull her, the wrist is hot.We slept in the same bed naked and talked about things, mostly she was talking and I was listening.She is the most beautiful in appearance and figure among the three of us, with large breasts, thin waist and fat buttocks, and she is tall, so she has been favored by men since she was a child.Perhaps because of this, she often has unnecessary contempt for men.Many of her loves are like flowing water that "comes and goes, goes and goes", and can't stop.But it has been four years since I have been entangled with that Ying Hao back and forth.In the past four years, Alberti has never broken up with other boyfriends, and Yinghao has always had a girlfriend who has been in love and lived together for seven years.At first, in Alberti's view, it was a matter of time before she and Yinghao got together.Later, Alberti asked Yinghao to break up.Up to now, she said, in fact, Yinghao is just like all men, fake. Ever since Yinghao got married, Alberti has never seen him again.He didn't call, and she didn't call.Just now when she was downstairs, she took out her mobile phone and dialed Ying Hao's mobile phone. The service desk lady said, "Hello, Secretary of China Unicom." Therefore, Alberti's "Go to hell" was intended to be thrown at Ying Hao. Yes, but inexplicably scolded Miss Secretary. Now Alberti is temporarily single.She was a little disappointed tonight because all the attention was on Bi Lu from the beginning to the end in Waffle at the Dart Bar.It was the first time that she was so ignored by a man. She smelled the smoke on my body and asked, "Are you smoking again?" I was about to answer, but she herself sighed softly.All the time, I felt that all the mournful atmosphere didn't suit Alberti, because she was always enthusiastic.It's not easy for me to talk to her.But I don't know why, this sigh made me feel a little sympathetic to Alberty at the moment.As soon as I closed my eyes, I cried again. Crying in the dark is something that many women have done, and most of them are for men.This kind of crying can be very loud when alone, even a heart-piercing cry.But if someone else is around, crying quietly will make you feel sadder.And sometimes, the purpose of crying is not only to vent, but also to move oneself.Of course, so is love.Two people in love are together, willingly doing silly things for each other.In fact, most of the time, the person who is touched is yourself. Early the next morning, Alberti's phone rang, and it was Yinghao's first.Unicom's secretary is a robot, so he passed the sentence "Go to hell" to Yinghao.Ying Hao sighed on the phone, sighing so loudly that even I could hear it while I was asleep.And Alberti didn't respond with a word, and cut off after a while.The second call was from Bi Lu.She had already gone home, seeing that Alberti was not there, she was a little worried.Twenty minutes later, Bi Lu came.She has the key to my house, thump, thump, and is very happy to go upstairs. To come out of a relationship that drains energy is to return to peace.And if you can get out of this draining relationship and start another relationship, even if it's not clear, then let yourself be happy first. Alberti was very curious about Bi Lu's last night.We sat on the sofa drinking 1998 Pu'er and chatting.No matter in Alberti's or Bi Lu's point of view, whether this little episode last night can become Bi Lu's new relationship is still only a question, but Bi Lu has a good impression of Waffle's details on the bed.In the middle of their lovemaking, Waffle held her by the waist and said in Italian, "Thank God for bringing you to me." Alberti was unimpressed.She attributed this Italian romance to "natural casualness" because she had two Italian boyfriends before and after. Our chats usually start with gossip and news.When no one is very unhappy, he won't talk about himself.Maybe we can all feel relaxed about gossip and news.And these gossip and news are still more or less related to "Today Morning Post".Four years ago, we met in this newspaper office.Such encounters are pleasant and long lasting.There are also those with Chu Hong, Ying Hao, and Dai Fangke. Maybe it is not very pleasant, but it is also very infatuated. When I was talking happily, my cell phone rang.Four months ago, after we separated from Dai Fangke, I changed my mobile phone number and only told a few people I knew well.For most of the past four months, the new phone has been quiet, with very few incoming calls or texts.Only at the end of this year, there are some text messages of blessings.But in the face of these text messages, I didn't reply at all, which has become a habit.Maybe I often act a little indifferent to the world.Alberti was talking about a Yunnan barbecue restaurant she tried recently, and said, "Let's take a shower later." I looked down at my phone, and there was another text message from "Dai GF", and she wanted to meet me . Over the past few days, this girl would send text messages or make phone calls every now and then with only one purpose, to meet and chat.She wanted to know more about Dai Funk.On the second day of that Valentine's Day, I called Dai Funk.I asked him if "Dai GF" was true.He admitted it.As for why he kept sending redemption and confession text messages to my old mobile phone since he had already lived with someone else, I didn't ask.I just asked him if there was anything else he wanted to say to me.There were sighs and sobs.I got mad, and for the first time in two years, I got mad at him so unreservedly. I said: "Why are you sighing, why are you crying? I didn't blame you for scolding you, why are you crying? You have done all the cruel things to me, from beginning to end. Now you should laugh, you should be happy, There should be some concluding remarks!" This paragraph is very long, but I jumped out of it fluently.Just finished speaking, and I cried too.After hanging up the phone, I sat blankly, looking at the blurred self on the TV screen, in a daze. I didn't reply to the so-called "Dai GF" text message, and turned off the phone as usual.After washing and dressing, I went to the Yunnan barbecue restaurant on Tianshan Road with Bi Lu and Alberti.On the way there, I remembered that on the way to Yunnan two months ago, I kept recalling my life in the past four years. I felt that the troubled people and things around me in these years were always enthusiastic, full of joy or sadness . In fact, before that, life has always been shallow to me.Sometimes when I recall the past, I can't help asking: Oh, is that so? Of course, occasionally I feel sad for the past, but this kind of sadness is also superficial.But this time, the memory of my life over the past four years is as thick as an acrylic painting.I really want to make a wonderful life confession, but I am a little powerless and have no clue.Where to start? Oh, maybe The Morning Post. Wu It was a summer and I had just graduated from school.Because I had already written several romance novels when I was studying, and they sold well, so I soon received an invitation to join a certain organization.那个夏天,我还在不同的城市里做一些签售,在偌大的机场里等每一架飞机带我去不同的城市。除此之外,我照旧延续着给一些杂志和报纸做自由撰稿人的生活,而《今日早报》就在那个夏天创刊。 第一次见到毕绿,是在一次新书研讨会上。那是出版社为我们好几个年轻作家开的研讨会。毕绿是当时《今日早报》文化版的记者。来的时候她一头金黄长发,一把扎在脑后,个子不高,很瘦,面色惨白。后来她说那天其实是例假来了,正痛经痛得要死要活,却因为房租还没有着落,只好为那三百元的车马费来书城签到。那时她刚从重庆来到上海,住在一个石库门房子的底楼,洗手间和厨房都在门外。 毕绿很厌烦那样潮湿的黄梅天。后来她问我:“当天闻到她衣服上经久不散的霉味了吗?” 我说:“没有啊。那天下面那么多记者,我只记得你了。你走的时候还顺手拿走了一本我的签名书。” 那场研讨会开得索然无味。和所有无聊的会议一样,有发言、评论、提问、回答,以及总结陈词,然后是鼓掌、拍照、签售,最后是稀拉的读者和图书编辑。我有些累了。因为是初夏,书城外还在下着黄梅雨,滴滴答答,落不干净。轮到我发言的时候,我正在心里想,那个黄头发女孩长得挺像徐若瑄的,可惜脸色太惨白了,配这一头金黄发,很像个长年吸毒的女人。想到这儿,主持人突然唤我的名字:“夏天,夏天。”我才反应过来,心里抽自己一下,觉得刚才用的比喻过于恶毒。坐在我身旁的另一位女作家是瞿颖宁。我们在很多场合里都遇见过。这一场研讨会,她几乎所有的注意力都在台下,因为她的男友,摄影师顾骜正在台下来回地为我们拍照。所以很久以后,当从毕绿口中得知其实那天楚鸿也在会场时,我有些诧异,因为一丁点都记不得了。 会议结束后,我和瞿颖宁还有顾骜一起在比萨店吃了饭。瞿颖宁是个高个纤瘦的女子,头发很长,直到腰际。顾骜的头发也不短,一把扎在脑后。因为他是东北人,说起话来就像连珠炮似的。 顾骜首先对毕绿发表了意见,他说:“你们注意到了吗?刚才有个女记者白得吓死人。怎么那么白?后来我注意了一下,她的名字还叫'碧绿'。又白又绿的,要不是走路来的,我还以为遇到了女鬼。” 瞿颖宁从自己的咖啡杯里取出调羹敲他的小碟子:“你给我积点口德!” 我便忍不住地笑。瞿颖宁不是写小说的,她主要写旅行散记,图片则是由顾骜一路跟拍,夫妻搭档得很好。她与我说起最近去曼谷的经历,在考山路,他们凌晨三点找旅店,最后竟然在一间旅店的门口看见一个白衣女人。那是四月份,曼谷已经很热了,可那个女人穿一件白色的长袖小袄,看上去根本不像是泰国人。他们一个转身,女人又不见了。后来听旅店的老板娘说,过去在旅店门口的确有个穿白色长袖小袄的女人经常徘徊,但好几个月前,她已经割腕自杀在考山路的最南端。听到这些,他们都吓得浑身打颤。 顾骜在桌子那面故作恐怖地说:“伊的脸也是这么白!”也许正因为这么一场对话,让我对毕绿有了很深的印象,以至于两周后,在接到《今日早报》的约稿电话去泰康路田子坊采访某艺术家时,一见到毕绿我便马上能叫出她的名字。 向我约稿的人是王股,也是个写小说的,当时去了《今日早报》的艺术版做编辑。我们曾在几次饭局上遇到过。他个子很高,瘦,走起路来仙风道骨,说话有时候半天也说不清几个字。我很好奇,他怎么跑去做了编辑。 他在电话里说:“田子坊啊,xxx号,某某某艺术家的工作室。再给你一个电话,是摄影师的……” 就这样,我去了田子坊。田子坊和这座城市的很多角落一样,在当时最新的设计理念下,围起一个属于小众却面向大众的群落。在某某艺术家的工作室门口,首先,我看见了毕绿。她正靠着墙壁在和楚鸿说话,一边说一边抽着烟。这天她穿了件橘色小白点的短袖衬衫,一条水洗皱牛仔裤,也许还擦了胭脂,看上去脸色很好。我朝他们一边走过去一边给摄影师打电话。就这样,楚鸿的电话响了。 毕绿听得响声,转身来向我招手:“夏天!” 我也如许久不见的朋友般,回答道:“你好,毕绿。” 就是在那一天,我正式对楚鸿有了印象。之前,毕绿恰好和楚鸿搭档采访一对美国来的作家夫妇,完事后发现接下来的采访都在田子坊,便一起来了,在工作室门口说话等作者。 整个采访过程很顺利。艺术家给我们看了最近他去泰国拍的几本画册。他还画油画,工作室的一层是个小型的展览厅,偶尔也会办一些时尚的派对。我问了几个自己感兴趣的话题,由他随便说,然后用随身的MP3录下音来,以备回去采写时有个参照。临走时,他送给我和楚鸿两人各一本画册,是在泰国苏梅岛拍的。我很惊异于那种沙滩的美,和艳丽光芒下的裸体日光浴。热带海滨总能给予人无限的性感想象。 和楚鸿走出田子坊时,我们又遇到了毕绿。她刚结束临街的一个陶器店里的采访,时间已是傍晚。楚鸿提议一起吃饭,三人便去了复兴路的小龙虾店。那是我和他的第一顿饭。 后来,在王股的安排下,我作为自由撰稿人常会去《今日早报》参加一些选题会,然后帮着做一部分采访,攒一些零碎钱交房租。那时候我还在读一个社科院的写作研究生课程。课很松,有时去郊区的一所疗养院封闭写作,但大部分时间,我都住在市区。只是当时的家和现在的相隔大约五十米,是一个开在二楼半的小亭子间。外面看上去有点简陋,因为连门都是塑料的,只用一把大铁锁锁住。而十四平米的卧室里,放一张小双人床,一个小衣柜,一张书桌,一台电视机和一张沙发,就差不多撑满了。但好在浴室是在卧室旁、塑料门内的,因此也算是“一门关死”的居住格局,比较方便。至于厨房灶头,除了烧开水外,只是给我在找不到打火机的时候点烟用的。 那个夏天,我始终都将一个双肩背的蓝色大牛仔包隔搁在地板上,因为一到周末,出版社便会安排各种城市的签售。常常到周五中午,我就从衣橱里取出一些简单的替换衣服,然后就和不同的人走了,有时候是和瞿颖宁,有时候是和出版社的发行,有时候是和策划,也有时候是一个人。对方书店的组织者在机场举一块“接夏天”的牌子,看上去还挺滑稽的。 其实,我出生在秋天,农历八月十二,中秋之前。很多人问过我名字的来历,我也问父母,可他们的回答毫无新意:“好记呗。” 嗯,是挺好记的。 王股是一个很适合用“古道仙风”四个字来形容的人。他本是昆明人,有个远房表叔在上海。后来,这个远方表叔还做了艾贝蒂和毕绿的房东。很多年以后,我再去回想王股的时候,会觉得这个人的身世和背景好像从一开始就是模糊的。大家只知道他从昆明来,有些对“草”的小瘾,常不吃饭,爱听一些佛教音乐。更重要的是,他喜欢燃沉香。这使得每次只要有他出席的饭局,都会弥漫着一阵棋楠香,经久不散。 那一年,他代表《今日早报》的“十一”文化专题组向我约稿。也正是因为这个专题,我和毕绿的生活突然之间有了一次紧密的交集。这种交集虽属偶然,却要比我们各自的爱情更持久。 毕绿在电话里约我去静安寺的屋企汤馆吃饭,想聊一聊怎么分工做这个专题。因为她的那部分任务是采访,所以事先想与我沟通主文中会涉及到哪些人物,以便早日作出安排。于是,在一个夏天即过,秋天未来的日子里,我和毕绿一起吃了饭。这顿饭,一定程度上也改变了我们俩今后各自的生活。 往往人和人的相遇,你去认真地想,会觉得很奇怪;可不认真回想,又觉过得真是惘然。 那天,毕绿穿了件黑色的中袖T-shirt,下身是一条棉白裙。她早到了,坐在一个角落的位置里低头看手机。 我走过去,叫她:“毕绿。” 她抬起头,脸上很勉强地给了一个微笑,回答:“来了。”像是延顺着的敷衍。 “今天真热。”我说,试图和缓一下凝结的气氛。 因为从家里步行而来,身体有些发汗。除了清淡的汤和一些粤菜外,我还点了杯红豆冰,用细长的麦管啜着喝,像蚊子吸人血般。 毕绿看着餐桌上的菜,大约是觉得还算爽怡,便说:“这秋天里,菜还是不要过为浓重好。”一边说一边掏出早就准备好的大纲来给我看,条理分明地向我表达这个专题究竟要做什么和怎么做,然后征询我的想法。 我听着,咽下一口红豆冰,瞬间凉到心底,消了火。刚想开口与她说话,她的手机又响了,短信。和刚才一个人坐在座位上一样,毕绿低头去看手机,沉默,肃脸。看完后,脸色更差。她站起来跟我抱歉,说要去洗手间。就这样,一离开就是半小时。 其间,我很想去洗手间看看她是怎么了,却又怕唐突,只好百无聊赖地坐在窗口边等,顺便给楚鸿打了一个电话。他正在拍一个二流明星,化妆师在给明星上妆。他说:“我还能和你说一会儿话。”那是我们刚开始频繁接触的时候,彼此之间保持了恰到好处的距离。 于是我的心境和毕绿的心情,在那天,其实相差得很远。 等到毕绿回座后,她的眼睛明显肿了。因为脸色白,眼眶和鼻子的红看上去过于明显,像两块皮肤过敏的痕迹。我显得有些尴尬,不知道应该怎么开口发话,也不知道该不该表现出已经看到了眼泪的痕迹,只好杵坐着,用麦管去吸杯子里仅剩的最后一点红豆,除了沉默还是沉默。 许久,毕绿才开口道:“不好意思。”她说不好意思的时候,抬起头来,除了眼睑上还有些红肿外,脸色微微恢复了些。 我摇头,一边说没关系,一边仔细地看她。傍晚过后那最后一点阳光从窗口打进来,笼住了刚哭完的她,好像极力地要给去一点温暖与抚慰。我们继续之前的专题话题,没多久就整理勾画完毕。买单的时候她突然问我,愿不愿意去她家坐会儿。 “我把你的小说读完了,觉得挺好看的。”她又说。 毕绿那时候的家,沿着静安寺往东走,走过大张旗鼓的各种奢侈品牌店后,拐入一条幽深的弄堂。昏暗的弄堂,有些挤,门口还坐着卖香烟的中年男人。他们身上总散发着一股陈年烟气,说起话来嗓门很大,有时候还带着粗话、黑话,偶尔加一声声咽喉不适的咳嗽。 我问毕绿:“你来上海多久了?” 她说:“快一年了。” 我说:“嗯,那你住在这么样的地方,算是能最大程度地贴近上海看一眼,感受一下。其实这才是上海,而那些高楼里的,写字楼里的,不是。” 毕业后,我就不顾家里人的反对一个人搬出来住了。因为从小就住新楼,所以本能地,对于弄堂对于木地板和昏暗楼道,我有一种迷恋。因此即便一开始租住的小屋有多小多简陋,心里总还是觉得那毕竟是自己的家。这让大学刚毕业的我有了深刻的独立感。人总是在还没完全长大的时候,渴望成长和独立,对未来充满好奇心和力量。可真的长大了,才会去感慨,原来长大需要付出很多代价。 我坐在毕绿家中的草绿沙发上。她一个人蹲在天井里干刷拖鞋。因为住的是老房子底楼,很接地气,潮湿,所以毕绿鞋柜里的草编拖鞋上,发了一层小绒毛。 她倒很乐观,说:“我去刷一下,你先坐。”然后把自己的拖鞋换给我,就光着脚丫蹲在天井的水门汀上刷刷刷地刷拖鞋。看着她的背影,我忽然觉得心里有点难过,是心疼这一种的瘦与弱小。可很后来,我才发现,其实毕绿是我所遇见过的女孩中,内心最为坚强的一个。 就在那一天,毕绿将她与英飒的事如悉说给我听。说的时候一旦哽咽,便停下来,努力让自己平静如常。整个叙述中,我没有插嘴也没有打断,只在需要应和的时候点点头或者柔软地看她一眼。 “你一定很奇怪,刚才我为什么会哭。那个给我发短信的人,叫英飒,他是英昊——城市生活版的主任——的堂哥。英飒是一间北京公司驻上海分公司的负责人,我们认识有一年多了。一年前,我还在重庆读书,他恰好来重庆出差,我们遇上。说不清楚是谁先招惹谁的,但那时候,我并不知道他在北京有老婆和孩子,不然也不会义无反顾地跑来上海。 “来上海后,英飒将我安排进了他堂弟英昊的报社,也就是《今日早报》。可就在报纸筹备阶段,突然有一天他对我说,要回北京办事。因为英飒的生日在二月底,所以那一天我想给英飒一个惊喜,便自己买了飞机票去北京。谁知道在公司的楼下,我看见他身边站着一个女人和两个孩子,他们两人各自手中拉着一个孩子,眉目中早已是老夫老妻的模样。而英飒在马路对面一见着我就愣住了。很快,他拉着老婆和孩子钻进了车,一点犹豫都没有便将车开走了。而我,只能呆呆地愣在原地,傻眼了。过去,英飒说他妻子很早便因为忍受不了他工作忙和长期的两地分居,和他协议离了婚。他们没有孩子,他也始终都没有再婚。对于这些,我没有怀疑过,因为觉得如果他想骗我,大可以不告诉我离婚这件事。直到亲眼见到的那一刻,我才问自己,面前的这些又是什么?是我涉世未深,还是根本太蠢? “后来,我疯狂地打英飒的电话。关机,关机,一直都是关机。我给他发短信,没有回音。直到半夜三点,他才到我住的酒店来找我。来的时候,整个人看上去很疲倦。他一句解释的话都没有,只是抱住我,紧紧地,好像要用尽全力。那是第一次我觉得,原来爱,可以令人如此丧失理智。明明知道他已经骗了你,还在骗你,却仍要不顾一切地去爱……” 毕绿将脸埋在一块植绒毛巾里,不想让我看到她的眼泪。 是谁说的,女人之间的友情,其实是用一个又一个秘密去交换的。那时候的毕绿还多年轻,容貌青葱。我想如果我们俩都能有一面镜子,去照一照当时的自己,又会生出多少感概?但毕绿是那样的女子,纤瘦,却在很小的时候就经历了人世无常,所以她坚韧,坚韧得在旁人看来有些顽固和自以为是。她的脾气时而暴烈时而忧伤,却正因为如此,年轻而热烈的身体才会吸引得住英飒整整五年。虽然到最后,英飒还是逃脱不了所有已婚男人对年轻少女的劫,一切黯然收场。 楚鸿平和地叙述着自己。我不响,听着。这是唯一一次,他说,我听。仓库外一直都还在下雨,风大得直震窗框,咯吱咯吱,好像随时要把它们卸下,瞬间吞噬掉这一对男女。说到最后,楚鸿也哭了。他的哭声很奇怪,是呜咽。半长的刘海遮住了自己的眼睛,只低头缩进双手中,想把所有情绪都藏好,却收不住哭声。我伸手去拉他,想安抚他的情绪,可他突然之间在沙发上桎梏住我,俯下头来吻。这一系列动作很迅速,让我连片刻思考的时间都不曾有。我愣住了,由他吻,由他搂,由他褪光我所有的衣服。 我们像是两条干涸的海鱼,饥渴,冷。他打开所有的Jinbei灯,照在我们身体上取暖,世界白花花的一片。仓库北面的天窗终于抵不住狂风,卸落下来,玻璃散了一地。风肆无忌惮地闯进来,想分开我们,可我们谁都没有去理会。我也迷乱了,只感觉得到他嘴里有清醇的毛尖气息。我不停地吮吸,这气息混在唾液里是一种催情激素。 那一晚,我们做了很多次。有时候是他要我,有时候是我要他。这种做爱方式让人觉得绝望,真是绝望。我闻得见Jinbei灯烘照时间过久而散发出的机械味,是金属发热后会有的气味。它们真是最好的取暖工具。如果没有这四盏灯,我想也许我们没有筋疲力尽于爱欲,也会僵死在寒冷里。 那之后好几年,我在新浪上看见过一条新闻,说是意大利考古学家在意大利北部曼图亚(Mantua)工业城瓦达洛一处新石器时代遗址,挖出一对至少有五千年的人类骨骸。这两具骨骸发现时呈面对面双手、双腿弯曲交叠拥抱状。躺在左边的是男性,背部脊椎部位刺有一根箭。女的则是在头部侧边被射了一箭。他们相互拥抱的姿态,成为永恒的拥抱。考古学家们分析,这两人之所以呈现这种姿势,一个原因是男的被杀,女的跟着殉情,期许来世做伴。 那么,如果那晚,我和楚鸿死在仓库里,也许来日发现我们的人,会摸到两具尚存体温的尸体,还交叠在一起,也能成为永恒。有时候,我会因为这种遐想而觉得沮丧,觉得也许早日终结,便是更好的开始。可无论是哪一种终结,说起来都很容易,下定决心要去做也容易。可做起来,和做成功,就很困难,很困难。 最后,我和楚鸿都累了。我们开始笑,发疯般地笑。我从没有听见他那么笑过。我们平躺在沙发床上,除了风和细小的雨水,一点遮盖物都没有。Jinbei灯的光线很刺眼,我睁不开眼,只觉得那光芒打在眼皮上还是灼热的。 楚鸿说:“我给你拍照吧。”于是他站起来装相机。我也有些疯了,跟着他一起疯。我们像是最初那两个不谙情事的伊甸主,只凭了好奇与感觉在相互捉摸与试探。那一夜,从凌晨到天亮,我们俩都疯了。 第二天一大早,我就走了。走的时候楚鸿还在睡。平日里他都是警觉惊醒的人,可这一次,他好像丝毫都没觉察到我的离开。外面还在下雨,比我来的时候更冷。我将另一只手插进口袋里,失落地走。至于是在失落什么,我不知道。也许是失落,经过这一晚,我们终将彻底地结束;也许是失落,为何那许多次的做爱里我能感受到的只是情欲欢涨,而感觉不到丝毫的爱? 也许,我离开的时候楚鸿已经醒了,可他不知道如何把我留下来,也不知道应不应该把我留下来,所以选择了纹丝不动,由我自己离开。走出工厂区的大门时,我哭了,像是一个刚被强暴过的女人般,含着屈辱与绝望。这种绝望从前一夜延续到天亮。现在有时候会想,倘若当时,楚鸿追出来,把我留下,我们的故事会不会从此改写呢?可他没有,所以我也永远不会知道这个问题的答案。 生活有时候可以解答你的很多问题,有时候,却一个都解答不了。因为在它解答前,很多人已经自己做了选择。 那一夜后,我开始帮助楚鸿一起筹备他的摄影棚,像一个标准的助手和好友。除了我们没有人知道那晚发生过的事,或许连他自己也不记得了。毕绿和艾贝蒂这时刚刚认识,她们俩为那一对堂兄弟惺惺相惜,成天粘在一起,也罔顾了我这个人的存在。又或者,毕绿是觉得,我拿着楚鸿的地址去找他,就应该会有一个美好的重新开始。 一直到楚鸿的摄影棚兼工作室开张,办了个小型的圈内人酒会,毕绿才知道我和楚鸿算是正式分了手。那晚我穿了条黑色的短款小礼裙,还有八厘米高跟鞋,走起路来摇摇晃晃的。毕绿是和艾贝蒂一起来的。她将艾贝蒂介绍给我:“夏天,这是谢堇,艾贝蒂,《时尚周刊》美食版的记者。”那时的艾贝蒂已经是艾贝蒂了。她和小俞分手后没多久便换了工作。虽然在毕绿看来,她的换工作里多少都有点威胁的成分在。 作为工作室的主人,楚鸿穿了一套烟灰色的休闲西装。那是我唯一一次看见他穿西装,平时他最爱穿的是夹克和牛仔裤。今晚的他把半长头发挑一小把扎在脑后,看上去很像年轻时的山口洋介。毕绿咯咯咯地取笑他:“还挺像那么回事。” 英昊、瞿颖宁、顾骜也来了。他们互相都认识。这个圈子其实很小。艾贝蒂看见英昊,转身刚要走,英昊便疾步上来拉住她,把她拖去另一边说话。顾骜和楚鸿站在一起一边喝啤酒一边聊摄影棚的事。他问关于场地、租金、装修和器材的投入资金问题,以及最近在拍些什么。瞿颖宁和毕绿开始攀谈。我则在等顾姳的到来。那时候,顾姳刚从美国回来,在一间文化经纪公司里做艺术总监。从小,我们两家是邻居,所以几乎从我懂事起就跟在顾姳身后走出走进地玩了。这次把她叫来一起参加楚鸿工作室的开幕酒,也是为了介绍她给楚鸿认识。毕竟,顾姳在美国很多年,对于美国一些专门收中国当代艺术品的藏家很熟悉。 顾姳来的时候,手里挽着老公乔枫。这是我第一次见到乔枫。他比顾姳大二十岁,是一位画家。顾姳在美国做艺术代理的时候认识了他。很快,乔枫便和楚鸿、顾骜等人打成一片,他是壮族人,热情开放,也很豪爽,笑声总是最大声的,在三号仓库里来回游荡。 我靠在小型吧台边看英昊和艾贝蒂。他们两个人站着,英昊在说些什么,艾贝蒂却不看他。我喝一口手中的香槟,坐到沙发上,想起那一晚我和楚鸿曾在上面发生过的一切,觉得好像隔了很久,像是上一辈子里的记忆,不小心在过生死桥的时候没有喝足孟婆汤而留到了今世。楚鸿再也没有提起那一晚的事,我也没有,好像彼此之前有一种无形的默契在。 so be it.做朋友。 开幕酒会后,艾贝蒂跟着英昊又去了江苏路上的玲珑饭店。据说那是李鸿章侄子当年在上海的官邸,解放后被收归国有,现在开起了一间家庭式旅馆,叫玲珑饭店。因为离报社很远,所以他们每次约在这里开房,都觉得很放心。其实这两个人心里也都明白,报社里很多人已经看出来他们俩之间的关系。有时候艾贝蒂和英昊在MSN上闹不开心了,午饭时英昊招呼大家一起去吃饭,唯独艾贝蒂一脸铁灰装作没听见,自己起身就走了,留下英昊一个人愣在那儿。曾经不止一次,英昊对艾贝蒂说:“好歹我也是个领导啊,你这样影响多不好。”可艾贝蒂只斜他一眼,满脸不屑。 一年前,杭州归来,艾贝蒂和英昊曾有一长段时间里不怎么说话。他们俩都觉得尴尬,艾贝蒂甚至想不起来那晚的细节,也不确定他们是不是有过什么。她照旧做她的美食记者,和大小餐厅、美食以及体重抗争。一日,她参加完某健康食品的发布会后拎了台电子秤回办公室,那是对方送记者的礼物。于是一办公室的男男女女都纷纷来“过磅验货”。艾贝蒂守着自己的秤说:“再这么踩,我要收费啦!”英昊觉得好