Chapter 9 I am willing

I am willing (1) She put out the cigarette butt and went back to bed.Clinging to me, her body was cold, and I involuntarily hugged her tightly. "Cockroach, I am willing, I know I can't fight her, but it doesn't matter, she is gone, I am willing to fight a soul to the end, I am willing, no matter how hard it is, I will persist to the end." "Don't talk nonsense!" I scolded her. "Okay, I'm not talking nonsense." I kissed her on the cheek and she stretched her arms around me.The small wooden bed started to creak again, and I patted her on the back and said, "Sleep, don't smoke in the future, if you smoke too much, your teeth will turn yellow and your skin will age, how ugly it is."

"Cockroach, am I pretty?" "Pretty." "Am I gentle or not?" "gentle." "Then do you love me or not?" "……Love." "I will love you forever." "Well." ... She finally fell asleep.But I couldn't fall asleep anyway. I got up from the small wooden bed and sat by the window, where Jiang Jiao had just sat. I picked up the cigarette case and found that Jiang Jiao had smoked all my cigarettes.I threw the empty cigarette case out of the window, the sky was very dark, and there was no shooting star that Jiang Jiao had mentioned.Through the window glass, I suddenly found that the blue screen of my mobile phone was flickering, and it seemed that there were unread short messages.I turned around and picked up my phone to check. It was an unfamiliar number with only two words: good night.

I think I know who it is. Lee, Er. But I know that I will definitely not take the initiative to find her again. I'm leaving.leave. Jiang Jiao is right, everything will be fine if you leave here. I saw Li Er again at the station. The whole family of them came to see you off. When Youta saw us, he said happily, "We are on the same train, so let's get off now. I'm afraid I'll be lonely if no one talks on the road." Jiang Jiao slickly said: "It is our greatest honor to be able to walk with the champion." Someone next to him interrupted, it should be her mother.She said: "Li Er, you have to work hard, next year will be up to you."

She still kept her little face sullen and didn't speak.She didn't even look at me, as if I never knew her. When we got in the car, You Ta happened to be in the same compartment as us. We changed seats together. Jiang Jiao asked You Ta gossipingly: "That little sister just now is your girlfriend?" "No." You Ta said, "She is my cousin. She is a sophomore in our school." "Second year in high school?" Jiang Jiao said in surprise, "She looks so small, just like a junior high school student." After speaking, she pushed me and said, "Cockroach, don't you think so? Does she look very small?" ?”

"Who?" I pretended to be at a loss. You Ta interjected: "Let's talk about Li Er, didn't you see her last time?" "Oh." I said. Then I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I found an unread short message on my phone: I wish you a good journey.I looked at my watch, it was eleven o'clock at night, the train was shaking, Jiang Jiao and You Ta were asleep.I ran to the junction of the train to smoke, and then I picked up the phone and dialed the cell phone. The phone was quickly answered, and her voice was kept low, probably because she was afraid of being heard by her family.

"I'm Zhang Yang." I said. "I know," she said. "I should change my number when I arrive in Beijing. Is the new number sent to your mobile phone?" "Yes," she said, "I borrowed my old Utta, but I don't turn it on very often, except today." "Why is it an exception?" "Because I'm waiting for your call." She said. "How the hell did you know I'd call you?" "I won't tell you." Here she is again! "You have to study hard and make progress every day." "I will." She said, "Next year, I will also go to Beijing to study at university."

"Okay." I said. "Maybe I'll write to you, maybe not." "whatever." "Then... goodbye." "goodbye." I hung up the phone and saw Jiang Jiao standing beside me, she asked me with a cold face: "You are sneaky, who are you calling?" "My dad." I said. "He didn't even come to see you off." Jiang Jiao pouted. I didn't speak, but she said, "I've never seen a father like this." "You fucking shut up!" I scolded her. I am willing (2) She stopped talking.The train shook even more, and Jiang Jiao couldn't stand still. Fortunately, I supported her, and she fell into my arms, giggling, and said loudly: "I'm so happy, I'm leaving at last! Woo la la..."

For a while, I really thought I had forgotten the past. At that time, I had just arrived in Beijing not long ago, and my life was very regular.I attend classes during the day and tutor two junior high school students at night. On weekends, I watch DVDs with Jiang Jiaopao in her house next to the North Fifth Ring Road. No one cooks for us, so we go to the supermarket to buy a lot of fast food. Eat something until you feel nothing in your stomach. Jiang Jiao began to smoke blatantly in front of me. I couldn't get used to smoking cigarettes with exquisite casings. I still smoked my Double Happiness, which was cheap and practical.We basically meet once a week, smoking for a long time, watching movies, falling asleep at three or four in the morning, waking up at noon the next day, continuing to smoke and watch movies.

Jiang Jiao loves watching Korean dramas, but because I don't like them, she also allows me to watch gangster movies. I don't pick gangster movies, American, Hong Kong, Taiwan, and mainland, as long as there are gunfights.Jiang Jiao said: "I bought a lot at the video store every weekend. The boss thought I bought it for business and rented it to students." "Then let's rent it," I said while eating a bowl of instant noodles, "Why not make money if you can?" Jiang Jiao glared at me: "I can't afford to lose that person!" Well, nouveau riche's daughter, let her be.

Jiang Jiao leaned on my shoulder: "Cockroach, reading is really boring, I want to quit school." "Then what do you find interesting?" "I want to sing." I was startled: "Who gave you such a bad idea?" "Someone told my dad that my image and singing skills are good." "It's your dad's money!" "Don't spoil the fun!" She pushed me, jumped in front of me, put her hands on her waist, and said in a pose: "Look at me, do you look like a star?" "Yes!" I said. "Then when I become a star, you will be my manager!"

"improper." "Okay, okay, if you don't do it right, you will be my boss!" Jiang Jiao leaned back on my shoulder again, "Cockroach, let me tell you, there are boys chasing me in our school, ten short messages a day, I am so annoying. " "Let him send it to my mobile phone, and I will trouble you." "Hahaha." Jiang Jiao looked up to the sky and smiled, "Be honest, how many girls are chasing you?" "I haven't counted them," I said. "Woooo, don't change your mind." "I want to change, but I don't have time." "Then what are you busy with?" "I'm busy soaking you." I said. "Deadly!" She fell into my arms.What happened next was of course logical. At the critical moment, Jiang Jiao took a condom and put it between her lips and me, and said coquettishly, "Honey, you forgot this." I pulled the condom out of her hand and tossed it aside. "No, no." She was a little scared and firmly disagreed. I rolled off her and lay on the floor, not knowing what had happened to me. After a while, Jiang Jiao leaned over, and she leaned on me, and said to me softly: "Okay, Cicada, as long as you are happy, I agree." I pushed her away, stood up and said, "I'm hungry, let's go out to eat, I'll throw up if I eat instant noodles." She sat on the floor for a while, stared blankly for a while, then put on her clothes obediently, and followed me out. That night, Jiang Jiao and I ate at a small restaurant near her home. We ate a lot, filled us up, and ate comfortably.The two of us drank a bottle of beer and clinked glasses, looking like all the closest couples in the world.But I know that we are different from others, of course the problem is not with Jiang Jiao, but with me. "Cockroach, you are a bad person." Jiang Jiao drank all the beer in the glass, and said to me with a slightly red face, "See how I deal with you tonight." But we actually ended up getting nothing done that night.The problem is still with me, I can't do it anyway.Jiang Jiao comforted me and said, "It's okay, I heard that there are good medicines." "What nonsense!" I scolded her. "Hee hee, I know you are too tired." She said kindly, "Why don't we sleep." My cell phone rang at this moment, it was a short message.I took my mobile phone from Jiang Jiao's bedside table, and saw a short message on it: Is Beijing cold?take care of yourself. Not named. Jiang Jiao tilted her head and asked me: "Who cares about you so much?" I thought for a moment and said, "I don't know." "New girlfriend?" "What's crazy, isn't my girlfriend you?" Jiang Jiao jumped off the bed and pointed at me: "Zhang Yang, I want to hear you tell the truth! When you fell in love with Bara, you also kept it from me. Don't think that I don't know anything. I know very well in my heart that you have another woman and you don't love me anymore, I just don't understand, if you don't love you don't love me, why do you still lie to me!" "Stop making trouble!" I said, "Is it okay to sleep?" "No, I'm going to make a fuss, I'm going to make a fuss, if you don't make it clear I'll make a fuss for three days and three nights! Tell me, who is this person?" "Are you fucking finished?" "Enough!" Jiang Jiao threw her nightgown on my head, "I know it must be a bitch, I know, you fucking like bitches!" I reached out and slapped her cleanly.I don't hit women, but lunatics must.After I finished I got up and got dressed.Seeing that I was really angry, Jiang Jiao jumped onto the bed again, hugged me and said, "Forget it, I don't care about it, let's go to sleep." Sleep and sleep. I fell asleep. But the short message rang again at this time, and it was still the anonymous person.This time it is a question: some things, some people, if you really want to forget, will you forget? Jiang Jiao closed her eyes, stubbornly refused to look at my phone, and faced me with half of her slightly swollen face. I deleted the text message. I know, it's Li Er. She knows my new phone number. I am willing (3) I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say.God knows, I really want to forget.But God knows for sure, I can't forget. When December came, I had already started to adapt to the weather in Beijing. Occasionally surfing the Internet, the mailbox is always empty.Only once, when I received a letter from Li Er, she just greeted her briefly, and I wrote back. It was the same old saying, let her study hard and improve every day.She hasn't replied for a long time, probably in the third year of high school, and she doesn't spend much time online. What I didn't expect was that I would see black people again. That day I went to an office building to look for a job. There was an Internet company recruiting people there, and I wanted to try my luck.It was a very grand building. As soon as I got downstairs, I saw a black man. He was wearing a security uniform and white gloves. He looked like a dog, and he was directing people to stop.I pulled the brim of my hat and walked past him. The people from the Internet company were very polite. The person who received me was a short man with a mustache. He told me very politely that all the people to be recruited were recruited yesterday, and he asked me to act faster next time. "Okay, next time I will come by rocket." I said. Mustache said goodbye to me cheerfully. I took the elevator downstairs and when I passed the gate, I was stopped by someone. "Boy," he said, "I've been waiting for you in Beijing, and you really came to my door." "What do you want to do?" I said, "I may not be afraid of you if you fight." "No fight," said the black man. "Fighting is something that rough people do. I want to buy you a drink. Do you dare to go?" I asked him, "Who pays the bill?" He said bullishly, "Of course it's me." "Go now?" I asked him. "Of course not. I don't get off work until 6:30 in the evening. See you in Sanlitun at 10:00 in the evening." "Okay." I waved to him and walked forward, and he shouted behind me: "See you soon, if you dare not come, I will treat you as scared!" Oh, who is afraid of who is not sure. At ten o'clock in the evening, I ended my tutoring for the night.Arrive at Sanlitun on time.The black man was already standing there waiting for me. He changed his uniform, still bald, black leather jacket, black leather pants, black gloves, black glasses, and made himself look like Batman. "I didn't expect you to come. I was right before, you are like a man in the sky." I said coldly: "I don't like to owe people. If you think I owe you something, you'd better settle it all tonight and settle it once and for all." "You don't owe me anything, you owe her, but you will never pay her back. So, I want to pay her justice." "Okay." I said, "How do you pay it back?" "You drink twenty bottles of beer and don't spit. This debt will be paid off." "So easy?" I said. "Easy but not easy, you can talk about it after you finish drinking." "Okay then," I said, "where?" "You come with me," said the Negro. He walked in front of me, looking proud.Take me to the door of a bar, bend over and say, "Please." I went in, the bar was not big, and there were not many people.The black man behind me asked, "How about it, does this place look familiar to you?" I don't think so. "Don't you think it's a lot like 'forget it' here?" I think he's short-circuited. We found a seat and sat down. The black man quickly brought twenty bottles of beer and put it in front of me.The singer on the stage began to sing, a female singer with long hair, her face could not be seen clearly, she was singing: I am your Chanel, you are my model... "Have you noticed? Look at that singer, she wears green eyeshadow." The black man said as he opened the wine one by one and said, "Drink, I want to see you drunk!" He was opening the wine bottle with gloves on, it was inconvenient not to see it, but he didn't want to get rid of it. "I'll do it." I said. It turned out that I was not drunk that night, and the black man poured almost all the wine that was due to me into his own stomach.He sat there and rolled his eyes and said: "I come here when I have money, I have no friends in Beijing, Zhang Yang, to tell you the truth, I saw you today, I'm actually very happy, I don't think I'm so I hate you." "Then why don't you go back?" I said. The black man smiled and slowly took off his gloves in front of me. Both hands, left and right, lost a little thumb.It looked shocking. "Who did it?" I asked him as calmly as possible. "Do you still need to ask?" said the black man. "They told me never to go back. If I dare to go back, they will kill me." "Jiang Jiao's father?" "I don't know," said the Negro. "I've offended so many people that I'm not sure." I feel like I can't breathe. "Any cigarettes?" the black man asked me. I took out my Double Happiness to him and lit it for him.His lips and hands were trembling slightly. "I miss home." The black man said with red eyes, "I don't have any friends in Beijing. I live in the basement. I drink when I have money. Sometimes I can't eat enough. I miss my mother." "Then go back." I said, "Don't worry, no one dares to do anything to you!" "Maybe, you don't know, what am I afraid of, I dare not go back, there are other reasons." "I want to ask you a question." "You ask." "Were you there when she died? What did she say?" "Not here." The black man grabbed another bottle of wine and poured it into his mouth, "She left the last words to a little girl, you should ask that little girl." "Really?" I said, "Is it a man named Li Er?" "Li Er?" The black man thought for a while and said, "Maybe, she called her Little Ear, Little Ear..." "Oh." I said. I am willing (4) "Actually, there is no difference between my life and my life." The black man was really drunk, and he began to speak incoherently, "Zhang Yang, I know why I like you, she is born noble, not on the same level as me, I have to Not to her, but I am willing to protect her for the rest of my life, I did not do a good job, I let her die, I stole your mobile phone, I told her nonsense, I committed the same crime as you, we are equally unforgivable , I regret it, I regret it!" As he spoke, he tapped on the table with his hand with only four fingers clenched into a fist, once, once, again. The female singer on the stage is still singing endlessly: Whose angel am I, whose model are you, dear dear, let us cooperate well, let you and I choose slowly, you are happy and I am happy, You are a model I am Chanel Chanel Chanel Chanel Chanel... Negroes are dead drunk.He was humming along, an outrageous tune, frantic eyes. I patted his face: "Dude, are you okay?" He muttered: "It's okay, I just want to sleep." I paid the bill and stuffed two hundred dollars into the black person's pocket. Then, I walked out of the bar and out of the bustling Sanlitun. The New Year is coming, and there is a joyous atmosphere everywhere. There were N girls who wanted to invite me to celebrate Christmas together, but I flatly rejected them all. What is there a word called: the heart is like still water? The Chinese characters are so broad and profound that you have to admire them. On that day, when my mobile phone was disconnected for a long time, Jiang Jiao came to our school in full armor. From her school to our school, he needed to cross half of the city.She was dressed like a rag doll, with a thin padded jacket, scarf and gloves, a pair of exaggerated leather boots, and a cartoon calico bag on her back, which attracted the attention of passers-by.She gasped and rubbed her hands and stomped her feet and acted like a baby to me: "Damn cockroach, where have you been these days?" At that time we were standing on the side of the road, there was a little rain in the sky, and the loudspeakers on the campus were loudly blasting: what a big Chinese home, a big home... "The phone is down, and I'm looking for a new job." I said to her at the top of my voice, "From now on, I won't be free on weekends!" "I'll pick you up and accompany me to the Christmas party!" She also said to me in a loud voice, "If you don't go, I'll die for you!" I dragged her to a relatively secluded place by the playground, and the sound of the horn finally died down.Jiang Jiao finally straightened her hair, which made her look much more pleasing to the eye.I stroked her hair and said, "It's really not possible, I have to go to the western restaurant right away." "What are you doing in a western restaurant?" She widened her eyes. "Yes." I said, "They need someone with good English and good looks, and I can do it." "But I can't!" Jiang Jiao said, "I want you to accompany me!" "I want to accompany you too, but I just don't have time." "I'll show you something." Jiang Jiao said, took off the gaudy bag on his back, opened a hole, and let me see.I poked my head around and was startled. I quickly pulled up the bag for her and said, "What are you doing?" "My dad has come to Beijing. He gave it to me." Jiang Jiao said. "An upstart is an upstart." I hum. "Come on, we have so much money, you don't have to work so hard." Jiang Jiao said, "Isn't it good to have more time to play?" "That's your father's money." I said hard-heartedly. "What's the difference between your father and my father?" Jiang Jiao was upset, and muttered, "Besides, it's not like you haven't used his money before." "I'll pay it back." I said with a dark face. "That's not what I meant. Isn't it okay if I said something wrong?" Her usual routine came again. "Okay." I patted her, "You can go on your own, with so much money, be careful." "I ran so far," her eyes were red, "I just want to meet you and have a happy Christmas. Why are you doing this to me?" "I've always been like this, and it's not like you don't know." "If that's the case." Jiang Jiao raised his head, looked directly at mine, and said word by word: "Zhang Yang, let's break up." "Okay!" I said. Jiang Jiao was silent for a while, not as crazy as I expected.She carried her flower bag and stood on the green grass for a long time.Then, without looking at me, she turned and walked away. At that moment, I had a little urge to go up and grab her, but I controlled myself. I know I owe her and I will pay her back, but now is not the time. The western restaurant I'm going to is very high-end, and working for one night is equivalent to being a tutor for someone else for a week.The people who go there are upper-class people, I like to meet such people face to face, although I am just a waiter, I can feel connected with them.In order not to make myself too hungry to watch others eat at work, I plan to eat something in the cafeteria before going to work. When I came out from the cafeteria after eating a bowl of noodles, I found a large group of people gathered on the playground.Everyone is running around telling everyone that someone is going to commit suicide over there in the graduate student building! The postgraduate building is the first building to the left of the big playground. It is a four-story building with a roof that can be climbed up. Last time there, there was a suicide incident. The main character was a boy suffering from depression. However, I heard that he failed to jump in the end and was hugged down by the police.I still remember that day, Jiang Jiao happened to be at our school, and she insisted on watching the excitement when we passed by, so I dragged her away. Later, she called me inhumane.She said, "People are dying, why don't you care about it?" "I have to live my own life." I said. "What if I'm the one standing on it one day?" she asked me. "Then I'll continue below." I said. "What if you can't take it?" "Then I will mourn for you for three minutes." Then I was called inhumane by her. Unexpectedly, in just two months, the farce was staged again.I walked across the big playground to the school gate, but saw more and more people running towards the graduate building. Someone shouted: "The beauty is throwing money, go and pick it up, if you don't pick it up, don't pick it up!" My heart skipped a beat. I am willing (5) When it was over, I turned around and ran over there. The person standing on the roof was indeed Jiang Jiao.The first thing I saw was her scarf, red, flying high over the roof like a flag.She was holding her big floral cloth bag in one hand, and grabbed a handful of money in the bag with the other hand, and was pouring it downstairs. Some people were grabbing money, some were screaming, and some were maintaining order. spectacular. I jumped over the crowd and rushed upstairs. There were already people on the roof, but they didn't dare to approach him for fear of provoking Jiang Jiao. "Jiang Jiao!" I pushed them away and shouted, "Come here!" Jiang Jiao turned around and looked at me. She ignored me, but shouted happily downstairs: Happy New Year!Another handful of money was thrown downstairs! Screams flooded the entire campus! I walk towards her. She turned around vigilantly and said sharply, "If you come here again, I'll jump." "I'll dance with you." I didn't stop my steps, but said, "I just want to dance too." "I told you not to come here!" She yelled loudly, one foot had already retreated to the outside, her body could not stand stably, and there was a lot of danger. Someone downstairs started shouting in unison: "Don't jump, don't jump, don't jump!" "Honey." I held out my hands to her and said softly, "Come here, let's spend Christmas together." Tears welled up in her eyes suddenly: "You lied to me, you don't love me a long time ago." "I'm not lying to you." I said, "I was teasing you just now, who knew you took it seriously, look, didn't I leave, haven't I been here all the time?" "You lied to me, you lied to me..." She kept shaking her head, very emotional, but still didn't believe it. "I'm not lying to you. I love you, honey, don't mess around, okay?" I knew the only way to do this was to coax her and calm her down. "Is it real?" "Believe it or not, if you jump with your front foot, I will jump with your back foot." "Is it true?" Her tone has softened. "Stop throwing money." I took a step closer and said, "With so much money, how many DVDs can we watch? Besides, if you jump from the fourth floor, it's fine if you die. If you have broken arms and legs, what will you do next?" Be a singer." "Woooo..." She wiped her tears with her sleeve. While her eyes were covered by her sleeves, I took a step forward and pulled her back to a safe place.She hugged me hard and bit my ear with her teeth. My left ear was so painful that she bit it.Then I heard her say: "Remember, cicada, if you lie to me, I will not seek death, but I will make your death ugly!" I can't hear her voice clearly, I feel like my ears are about to fall off, they don't belong to me anymore.I suddenly remembered the ugly hands of black people without little fingers. I held Jiang Jiao, and an indescribable fear came to my heart. Many days later, Jiang Jiao said to me, smoking one of my Double Happiness cigarettes: "Actually, I didn't want to dance at all that day. I was just testing my acting skills. If you don't come, I'll spend the money and go to the festival." This is my wife Jiang Jiao. I always thought that I was more than enough to deal with her, but many times, this is just an illusion, a beautiful illusion. Mastering the stick, but aiming for the yard.In this world, who dares to say who is whose savior? Wash and sleep as early as possible. During the winter vacation, I went home. Jiang Jiao's family spent the New Year in Beijing, so I was the only one on the return journey.I arrived in the city where I lived for more than ten years and thought I would never come back on the night of the New Year's Eve.The moment I got off the train, I suddenly felt comfortable breathing. It turns out that the air of this city is what I am most familiar with and used to. It turns out that this city has already branded me, and it is not something I can forget if I want to. The moment I opened the door, he was pleasantly surprised. He is watching TV on the sofa, alone, with a bowl of noodles and the lively Spring Festival Gala. He is old, with gray hair, and when he smiles, there are wrinkles around his eyes. "Dad." I yelled. "Oh." He replied. I have been outside for more than half a year, and he has not sent me a penny, and I have not written a letter to him, only a few phone calls to report that I am safe. He didn't know I was coming back. "Are you hungry? What are you eating?" He was a little uneasy. "Let's go out to eat!" I pulled him. "You think this is Beijing. Who still opens the store on New Year's Eve." He put the luggage away for me, "I made chicken soup, let's eat it for you, do you think it will work?" "Good." I said. "Okay! You wait for me!" He quickly entered the kitchen. I sat down on the sofa, the sofa was very old, and a big piece collapsed as soon as I sat on it.He quickly came out with a bowl of noodles and asked me, "Didn't you say you won't come back for the New Year?" "I suddenly wanted to come back, so I came back." "It's good to be back." He went into the kitchen again, came out with an insulated box, and said to me, "You stay at home, I'll go to the hospital, and I'll be back soon." "What did you go to the hospital for?" "Someone is hospitalized, I'll bring her some chicken soup," he said. "Who's in the hospital?" I asked. "A friend." He said, and after he finished speaking, he put on his rubber shoes and left the house with the heat preservation box.