Chapter 13 13

20 "Ah Qing, the hearts of parents in the world, do you understand? Can you understand? My Ah Wei, if he is still alive, he will be thirty-seven this year, the same year as Wang Kuilong. It is unusual for Ah Wei to be born, he died by caesarean section Born. His mother was weak, and the operation was severe, and she couldn't eat. She gave birth to Ah Wei, and passed away not long after. Ah Wei lost his mother since childhood, and he was the only son. Strict, in fact, is also the meaning of hope for success. "That child, Ah Wei, has been likable since he was a child. He is extremely intelligent. He can master literary and martial arts as soon as he learns. I personally taught him to read ancient Chinese, and he recited a piece of "Teacher's List" very catchy. In those years, apart from studying In the battle ahead, I always took him with me and raised him myself. I even took him with our regiment stationed in Hanzhong, Shaanxi. In the barracks, I taught him how to ride horses and hunt. Every morning, I rode my strong horse. The horse 'Looking Back at the Moon', he rides his little silver colt 'Thunder Lion' - we, father and son, always take a few laps on the racecourse. Speaking of the two BMWs, they are both famous in Qinghai. Zhong, we have to come, there is another story. After the victory of the Anti-Japanese War, I went to Qinghai to inspect, and Ah Wei also followed. The commander of the military region in Qinghai is an old classmate of mine, and I have a close personal relationship. Qinghai produces famous horses, he I picked a few horses in particular, let me have a look, and pointed to his most beloved horse 'Looking Back at the Moon' to bet with me that if I could subdue that fierce horse, he would be willing to give it to me. I turned on the horse and rode like flying , my commander friend boasted about Haikou, so I had to bear the pain to give up. Unexpectedly, Ah Wei stood behind me and pointed to the 'snow lion' and said: "Daddy, I want to try this one too!" He wanted his son to show off, but he couldn't help worrying that he would make a fool of himself in public. Because he asked him quietly, "Can you do it?" the little guy answered straight away, "Daddy, I can do it!" He was tall and strong, wearing military riding boots that I specially made for him, and he was full of air. He grabbed the snow-green little silver colt, jumped onto the horse's back, and galloped. The horse let his running horse's belly stick to the ground, and there was a mass of silver light on the green grassland. My friend the commander couldn't help but blurted out cheers: "What a general, this horse, I will give it to him!" At that moment, I was really proud, my son really made me feel glorious.

"A Wei, since he was a child, he was competitive and extremely proud. He was ahead of others in everything. He graduated from a military academy. There were 250 students in that class, and he was far ahead in academic subjects. He The officer in charge praised him very much, and praised him as a standard soldier in front of me. As a father, the joy in my heart is indescribable. I feel comforted that I have devoted more than 20 years of hard work to Ah Wei. Not in vain. "But—but, Ah Wei only lived to be twenty-six years old, and he died an extremely dishonorable, unworthy, and tragic death. He was promoted to a platoon leader, and then transferred to train recruits. I also went to his Visiting the training center. Ah Wei really has a good way of leading troops. All the recruits in his platoon obey him and love their platoon leader Fu. A Weiwei respects orders and works very hard. But when he is the platoon leader In his second year, an accident happened, he was dismissed and investigated, and he was also court-martialed. One night, his chief officer, Cha Qin, inadvertently caught him in his dormitory lying with a full-staffed soldier, doing That ulterior matter. When I received the notice, I was so angry that I fainted on the spot. I never expected that my most beloved and valued son, Fu Wei, a young and promising standard officer, He would do such a shameful and inhuman animal behavior with his subordinates. I immediately wrote a long letter to him, using the most severe words of condemnation. Two days later, he made a long-distance call. It was the eighteenth day of the ninth month in the lunar calendar, my fifty-eighth birthday. My relatives and friends had planned to celebrate my birthday, and they asked me to excuse my illness. Ah Wei asked to come back to Taipei to see me on the phone, because the second God, I'm about to go to court for trial. I coldly rejected him, saying that I don't need to go home. Since I violated the military law, I should wait for punishment in the base and think about my mistakes behind closed doors. His voice was trembling and hoarse on the phone, almost crying The voice was completely different from the heroic young officer in my mind. My anger suddenly increased by three points, and I felt a burst of disgust and contempt. He wanted to explain, but I stopped him sharply and cut off the phone. Then I didn't want to see anyone for a moment, especially my son, who was so disappointing to me. That night, his platoon found him dead in his bedroom, with a pistol in his hand, the bullets coming out of him. The mouth pierced through the back of the head, and his face was blown apart. Officially, he died accidentally. But I know that my only son Fu Wei, who is arrogant and arrogant, died on the night of my fifty-eighth birthday. , ended his own life with a pistol.

"After Ah Wei committed suicide, for a long time, I often had nightmares at night, and I always dreamed of the same face. It was a very young face, as white as paper, with a pair of eyes wide open, and a mouth that was not clear. He kept opening and closing, as if he was too frightened, desperately trying to scream but couldn't make a sound. His wide-eyed eyes kept looking at me, begging me for something, but he couldn't convey it. A painful expression. I seem to have seen that very young face somewhere, but I can't remember who that young man is. For three or four nights, every night I dreamed of that pale face , the panicked expression on his face. I woke up one night, covered in cold sweat, and saw that face again in my sleep. That night, with blood on my face, I suddenly realized that it was many years ago, during the War of Resistance Against Japan. When I was fighting at the front of the fifth war zone, I shot a small soldier in front of the formation. At that time in Xuzhou, the front was tight, and my troops were stationed at the front line. One night I went to the front line to patrol, and my subordinates captured two Soldiers from the trenches, the two were having sex in the wilderness. One veteran did not show any signs of fear, while the recruit, who was only about seventeen or eighteen years old, was already trembling with fright, his face was pale, his eyes were wide open, his mouth was open, probably Asked me for forgiveness, but was too terrified to make a sound—like the look I saw in my dream. Of course, in that situation, I gave the order, dragged out on the spot and shot him. That I dealt with it with peace of mind at the time, so I didn't take it very seriously. After a long time, I forgot about it. Unexpectedly, after so many years, that frightened face suddenly appeared in my dream again. That night my He had a heart attack and had unbearable colic, so he was sent to Rong General Hospital, where he stayed for several months, and almost died.

"After being discharged from the hospital, for a full year, I thanked guests behind closed doors, lived in seclusion, and recuperated at home. A Wei died tragically, and I felt lifeless, and my whole body was as dry as wood. , indifferent—— "Until one winter night, it was the day before the Lunar New Year's Eve ten years ago. At that time, my blood pressure fluctuated and I often felt dizzy. I went to see a doctor at National Taiwan University Hospital. The chief of internal medicine was a famous doctor. It was very difficult. Registration, only to the evening outpatient clinic. After seeing the doctor, it was already past nine o'clock in the evening. I still remember that there was a cold snap that day, the weather was cold, and it was drizzling at night. I came out of the hospital and walked through the new park. I went to take a bus on Guanqian Road. It was probably raining that day, and there was no one in the park. I passed by the lotus pond in the park, and suddenly heard a burst of crying, coming from the pavilion at the head of the pond. It was a burst of sobbing intermittently , crying very desolately, in the cold wind and rain, it sounded very heart-piercing. I couldn't help but go around and walked up to the pavilion at the head of the pool. On the bench in the pavilion sat a young boy alone. He was dressed in black single clothes, with his head in his hands, his face on his knees, and weeping there tremblingly. I have never seen a person cry so sadly, as if he had been wronged by the sky. I used to Shaking his shoulders, I asked him: "You are so young, why are you crying here?" That child is so weird, he sobbed and answered me: "My heart is swollen and painful, and I don't feel comfortable if I don't cry. 'I asked him if he had a home or a place to go, and he said no. It was so cold that night, I was wearing a cotton cannon, and I still felt cold, but the child only had a single shirt on, and when he was talking, his teeth were so cold I was fighting. I suddenly felt unbearable, so I took the child home. He probably hadn’t slept for several nights. When I returned to my house, I made him drink a cup of hot milk, and his eyes were so sleepy that he couldn’t open his eyes. I Put him in Awei's room, and as soon as he fell on the bed—the bed you are sleeping on now—he fell asleep immediately, and he didn't even have time to take off his clothes. I took Awei's quilt from the cabinet I took it out and covered the child. The child turned sideways, with his face on the pillow. He was probably very cold, and his face was pale. I looked at him carefully, and found that he had a very strange appearance, a triangular face, The chin is short and pointed, raised up, and the two thick eyebrows are still knotted together in sleep, as if covering the eyes. I know some physiognomy, but I have never seen a child as thin as that , so cheap, and with so many vicious looks. Suddenly, somehow, I felt an infinite pity for him. I pulled the quilt over his shoulders and covered him tightly. Seriously. It was the first time in two years since Ah Wei's death that I began to regain my senses.

"He was overtired and didn't wake up until the next afternoon. It was New Year's Eve. I wasn't in the mood to celebrate the New Year. Because of him, I asked Mrs. Wu to make some special New Year dishes and asked him to eat with me. He had a New Year’s Eve dinner—unexpectedly, it was his last meal in this world. That night he suddenly became elated, ate and drank, and ate up a braised pork elbow, a mouthful of oil, He patted his bulging belly and smiled at me: "Grandpa Fu, I have never eaten such a delicious New Year's Eve dinner. We are in the orphanage, and we only celebrate Christmas, but it's in the old calendar year." He began to chatter, put his He told me all about his life experience. His life experience is bizarre and bleak—you probably have heard of it in the park. Ah Feng, he is the wild child and the wild phoenix in your park. He told me. Yes, he told me all the stories in your park. He told me that there are many homeless children like him in the park, all of them have a bleak life experience. He talked happily and pointed at him My chest said: "This is brought in our blood - the old gardener Guo Gonggong in the park told us this, he said that our blood carries wildness, just like the typhoon and earthquake on this island, once it hits It’s out of control. Grandpa Fu, that’s why I love to cry, and I want to cry out the poison in my blood.” Later, I met the old Henan monk who raised Ah Feng in Zhonghe Township Lingguang Nursery, and he told I, Ah Feng, was indeed a strange child. He would run into the church and cry bitterly in the middle of the night, waking up everyone in the yard. There was a grumpy Irish priest who particularly disliked Ah Feng, and would angrily say when he was mentioned: "That child must be possessed by the devil, he even destroyed the icon in the church!" After the New Year's Eve dinner that night, Ah Feng was about to leave. I said to him: "Ah Feng, if you have no place Go, you can stay here for a few nights." He smiled and said, "No, Grandpa Fu, don't bother you anymore, I have to go back to the park, someone is looking for me!" He told me that there is a man raising He, he escaped, this man has been looking for him everywhere. He also smiled and said to me: "I will meet him in the park tonight, and I will settle the debt between me and him during the New Year's Eve." One." It wasn't until the next day that I found out about the relationship between him and Wang Kuilong when it was published in the newspaper——

"Well, it's strange to say that even though that child, Ah Feng, only stayed in my house for a short night, I developed a special affection and care for him. Ah Feng died like that, and I felt a shock in my heart. Violent shock, general pity. It was after Ah Wei's death, my exhausted heart seemed to be revived, and it was rekindled. It was also when I met Ah Feng in the park. Such a tragic end, I made a great wish to reach out to rescue you group of children floating in the park—" "Ah Qing," Mr. Fu finished telling his own story, put one hand on my shoulder, wiped his teary eyes with the back of the other hand, and sighed deeply, "You guys Children, you only care about resenting your father, but have you ever thought about how much your father suffered for you? After Wang Kuilong's accident, I went to visit his father, Wang Shangde. Only half a year later, his father's side Her hair seemed to be suddenly covered with a layer of snow and turned completely white—Ah Qing, where is your father? Do you know that your father is also suffering for you?"

twenty one I quietly lowered the mosquito net for Mr. Fu. He was lying on his side facing inward, his hunchback bent into an S shape on the bed.I turned off the light, closed the door gently, and went back to the living room. On the altar table against the wall in the living room, there was still a strong scent of sandalwood in the incense burner. I went to pour a glass of water to pour the embers in the incense burner. off.I looked up and saw the photos of Mr. Fu and A Wei and his father in military uniforms hanging side by side on the wall. I suddenly remembered that on the 18th birthday of Mr. Fu on the ninth day of the lunar calendar, he went out early in the morning and bought a large bouquet of white chrysanthemums when he came back. , personally inserted it into the azure porcelain bottle on the table, and took out the tripod bronze incense burner from the glass cabinet, offered it to the table, and lit sandalwood.I saw him sitting silently in the living room with a solemn expression, and I didn't dare to disturb him.I didn't expect Mr. Fu's birthday to be the anniversary of the death of his son A Wei. No wonder the master led us to celebrate his birthday that night. Mr. Fu was so worried that he got drunk after drinking two glasses of wine.Ah Wei chose his father's birthday to kill himself. Could it be that he also resented his father so deeply?I carefully looked at the photo of Ah Wei, that square face, high cheekbones, thin lips resolutely closed, a pair of naked eyes revealing extremely conceited and arrogant, that straight body His military uniform, with a straight military cap on his forehead, is indeed the image of a standard soldier, and he looks so similar to Mr. Fu when he was young.

When I lay down on the bed, I thought of my father again.I remembered how serious and cautious he was when he pinned his Boding Medal to my lapel that time. At that time, he probably thought that I looked like him, and mistakenly pinned all his hopes on me. It's on me.However, if I had not been expelled from school, and had successfully entered the Army Academy, I believe I might have become an excellent officer, and would have made my father proud.When I was in school, the military training department.I scored very high, and my basic movements were the most standard. The instructor often asked me to go out to the team to demonstrate in the class.I also used to be proud of it, thinking that I was worthy of being a soldier's child.And I also like to play with guns. Every time I go to the field to practice shooting, I always feel elated. I like to listen to the whistling of bullets passing through the air.At home, on several occasions, I took out the self-defense pistol my father hid under the mattress that he wore when he was the regiment commander on the mainland, and secretly played with it.My father didn't clean the gun often, and yellow rust had already formed in the barrel.With a pistol in my waist, I walked around with my head held high, feeling very heroic and majestic.When my father drove me out of the house that day, he was waving an empty gun in his hand. In fact, my father was a demobilized soldier, so he couldn’t get ammunition at all—probably he thought that he could suppress people with a gun in his hand.That time when my mother ran away, my father chased her out with his empty, rusty gun.

No, I think I know the depth of my father’s suffering. Especially in the past few months since I left home, I feel more and more that my father’s heavy pain is pressing on my heart from time to time. It may be his unbearable pain that is to be avoided.That time when I escorted my mother's ashes home, standing in our dark, damp living room with a silent musty smell, I saw the empty bamboo armchair where my father sat on it, and I suddenly felt suffocated. Oppressed, and the idea of ​​​​fleeing arises for a while.I want to avoid my father, because I dare not look at his painful, gray and old face.

I heard the old man next door coughing, and I couldn't help but wonder if my father was asleep at this moment, and if he was still in his room, walking up and down alone. twenty two On Friday night, Mr. Yu Haoyu invited me to Chuanwei Noodles on Xinyi Road for supper. He made an appointment to meet me at the intersection of Xinyi South Road and Xinyi Road after get off work in Anle Township. His home is on the second section of Xinyi South Road.Before twelve o'clock, I quietly went to the back to change my uniform. I asked Xiaoyu to wash my wine glasses, and asked him to tell the master that I had a stomachache, so I left first.In fact, I was so hungry that my stomach hurt a little, because I knew that there was a supper at night, and I only ate a plate of fried rice noodles sold on the street for dinner. I was already hungry and my mouth was always drooling.When I arrived at Xinyi intersection, Mr. Yu was already standing there waiting for me.He was wearing a loose pullover dark blue sweatshirt and a pair of leather slippers. He looked very chic and probably just came out of home.He was very happy to see me, and greeted me:

"Young baby, you are very punctual." "I slipped away before I got off work," I said with a smile, "We made an appointment to meet at half past twelve, and it didn't exceed a minute." "Have you ever eaten Sichuan-flavored noodles?" Mr. Yu asked me as we walked towards the Sichuan-flavored noodles on Xinyi Road. "I came here once when I was a kid—it was a long time ago, when Sichuan Noodles was a small stall." It was three years ago, my father took my younger brother and I to Sichuan Noodles for a supper - that was the only time my father took us to a restaurant.I had just entered high school that summer, and that day was my birthday. My father made an exception and took us out, which probably meant a reward.We can't afford to go to big restaurants, so we can only eat small stalls with Sichuan noodles, but for my brother and I, it was an unprecedented event, and we both danced with excitement.My father only asked each of us to order a bowl of Chao Shou with red oil. When we wanted to eat the second bowl, my father frowned and said: Enough, enough.He gave each of us one chaoshou from his own bowl. "Mr. Yu, can I have two bowls of Chao Shou with red oil later?" I smiled, "I'm not full for dinner, I'm already fainted from hunger." "Qingwa'er, you can eat as many bowls as you want, and you will count as full, okay?" Mr. Yu stretched out his hand, touched my head and smiled. We went up to the second floor of Chuanwei Noodles, and the seats were already full. We waited for more than ten minutes before we got a table in the corner.After sitting down, Mr. Yu pointed to the menu plate under the glass mat and said: “The steamed small intestines, pork ribs in black bean sauce, and beef offal in lotus leaf are all great here.” "Mr. Yu, I still want to eat chaoshou with red oil." I said. "Okay, okay," Mr. Yu laughed, "I also order red oil chao shou, and some of these." When the side dishes came, Mr. Yu asked the waiter to bring a bottle of Baigan.One bite at a time, I swallowed a bowl of chaoshou all at once. It was hot and spicy, very exciting, and my forehead was sweating.After finishing the first bowl, Mr. Yu ordered a second bowl for me. "Mr. Yu, I'd like to toast you a glass of wine," I held up a glass of Baigan to respect Mr. Yu, and Baigan's throat ignited, and my whole body began to have a fever.Mr. Yu was also very happy to see how eagerly I devoured the food. He kept putting the small intestine ribs on my plate and said with a smile: "Young baby, you are still developing, you should work harder for such a big person!" "Mr. Yu, "The Enmity of Daxiongling" is really wonderful!" I finished my second bowl of red oil and copied my hands, thinking of my martial arts novel by Zhuge Jing. I have read the book that Mr. Yu gave me for the second time. "But Eshun died too badly. His father, Wanli Feibao, could have let him go." I saw the last time Wanli Feipeng Ding Yunxiang planned to trap Eshun and personally killed his son by hand, and I couldn't help being horrified. "This is called righteousness killing relatives!" Mr. Yu laughed, "Eshun recognized the thief as his father, and Ding Yunxiang was a last resort. The last scene where Wanli Feipeng caressed Eshun's corpse was full of tears. The best and most touching, Zhuge After all, I am worthy of being a master of martial arts." "Does Mr. Yu have any other martial arts novels?" "There are many, one cabinet." "Does anyone have Wang Dulu's?" "I have his "Iron Rider Silver Vase"." "Great!" I exclaimed excitedly, "Mr. Yu, can you lend it to me? I've always wanted to read that novel, but I couldn't borrow it several times." "Okay, after supper, you can go home with me to get it." Mr. Yu smiled, and we toasted and drank the spicy baigan wine in the cup. Yu Hao, Mr. Yu, lives on the third floor of a house in Lane 145, Xinsheng South Road.His small apartment is very comfortably furnished, a set of rattan tables and chairs, covered with thick red cushions, a string of three lanterns from large to small hanging in the corner of the living room, the first one is as big as a hug, the lamp When it lights up, balls of milky white light are ignited.Mr. Yu turned on the radio, and the American radio station was broadcasting soft music in the middle of the night.He beckoned me to his study. There were two bookcases in it, and one of them was full of martial arts novels, ranging from veteran martial arts king Dulu and Wo Longsheng to rising stars Sima Ling and Dongfang Yu.Mr. Yu took out Wang Dulu's "Iron Horse Silver Vase" and handed it to me, pointing to his cabinet of martial arts novels and said: "You are welcome to come here from now on, Qingwaer, and practice martial arts with me." "Long live!" I cheered. We went back to the living room and sat down. Mr. Yu went to pour two glasses of ice water to drink. After eating spicy peppers, his mouth was very dry.We sat side by side on the rattan sofa, and I took off my shoes and sat up cross-legged. The soft white light shone on Mr. Yu's face. "Mr. Yu, you look very much like Nan Xia Zhan Zhao!" I suddenly remembered the portrait of Nan Xia Zhan Zhao I saw in the comic strips of The Seven Heroes and the Five Righteousness.Mr. Yu laughed loudly and said: "You said I look like that royal cat? What about you? Are you Chinchilla Bai Yutang?" "No, no, no," I said with a smile, shaking my hands, "I'm not as handsome as Bai Yutang. I used to call my younger brother Chinchilla." "Does your brother read martial arts novels?" "I taught him to read it, and later he was even more fascinated than me. When I rent a martial arts novel, he always rushes to read it first." "It's all like this," Mr. Yu sighed with a smile, "I bought a martial arts book, and before I turned two pages, Xiao Hong snatched it away." "Who is Xiaohong?" I asked. "A child who used to live with me—he went to serve as a soldier, and now he is in Matsu. More than half of that cabinet of martial arts novels was bought for him." Mr. Yu told me that Xiaohong came to Taipei from Pingtung to study. He studied at Datong Industrial College. He lived with him for more than two years. Mr. Yu took care of him. He also tutored him in English.Mr. Yu took out a photo of the two of them together from his wallet and showed it to me. Mr. Yu put his arms around Xiaohong's shoulders, and the two of them laughed happily. "This is Chinchilla Bai Yutang!" I smiled and pointed at Xiaohong, who was very handsome. "Xiao Hong is very beautiful," Mr. Yu sighed while looking at the photo, "He is gone, I miss him very much." "When did he finish his service?" "There are still two years." "Wow, two years is still too early!" "That's right," Mr. Yu shook his head and smiled, "So sometimes when I feel lonely, I go to your Anle Township to sit and have a glass of wine." The light music on the US military radio station stopped, and the broadcast report was already two o'clock in the morning. "Mr. Yu, I should go." I was about to stand up, but Mr. Yu pressed my shoulder and said: "Qingwa'er, don't go back tonight, just stay with me." "Mr. Yu—" I hesitated. "It's rare to meet a kid from Sichuan like you. We are doing our best to set up the Longmen formation. Don't leave." Since the opening of Anle Township, there have been several times when guests have asked me out, but I have refused.But Mr. Yu, I think he is a very nice person, and indeed, as he said, we are fellow villagers in Sichuan, and I feel very cordial.I like his small apartment, it feels warm and comfortable. "Let's lie on the bed and talk slowly." Mr. Yu said. "Then, I'll take a shower first, okay?" I had a day's work, and just now I ate two bowls of hot and spicy red oil Chao Shou, and I could smell the sweat on my body. "Okay," Mr. Yu stood up, "I'll turn on the gas stove for you." Mr. Yu went to turn on the gas stove, brought me another clean bath towel, took me into his bathroom, and told me that the two bars of soap placed next to the tub, the creamy Lux soap, are for washing the face. Another medicated soap is for washing the body. "You wash slowly, I'll make the bed." Mr. Yu smiled at me as he closed the door of the bathroom. I hung up the shower head of the shower, turned on the hot water, and ran from head to toe. I soaped twice and even washed my hair.I wrapped the bath towel around my head, rubbed it vigorously, and dried my hair. I walked into Mr. Yu's bedroom with my shirt on and my coat and pants. Mr. Yu's bedroom was small, but it was tidy. , who had just put a new sky-blue sheet on his double bed, was slipping the pillowcase into the pillowcase, laying the two pillows side by side, and said: "Young baby, you sleep inside." I climbed onto the bed and lay down first, Mr. Yu also took off his clothes, and turned off the lamp beside the bed. In the dark, we lay side by side on our backs, and Mr. Yu began to ask about my life experience, and I told him one by one. He listened to our dilapidated home, dead mother, younger brother, and father who lived in pain. "Young baby, I owe you too," Mr. Yu sighed, "If your brother is still here, maybe you won't feel so lonely." "Mr. Yu, if my brother is still here, he will definitely like your martial arts novels. He has only finished the first two episodes of "Daxiongling Enmity"!" I laughed, "I dreamed once in a dream. When I snatched martial arts novels from me, I punched him in a hurry. Mr. Yu, do you believe in ghosts?" "I don't know," Mr. Yu laughed, "I haven't seen it before." "My brother died and I often saw him in my dreams. Once, I clearly remembered holding his hand. He reached out and asked me for a harmonica." "Harmonica?" "It's a butterfly brand harmonica. I gave it to him. I bought it for him on his birthday. He wants to take it back." "Perhaps you have lost your mind, so you often dream about your brother." "But I never dreamed of my mother—she didn't like me very much when she was alive, so presumably she doesn't want to see me when she's dead." "No, Qingwaer, stop thinking about it." Mr. Yu diverted from my words, and we chatted casually.He told me that when he was in Chongqing, he often went swimming in the Jialing River, and that he could swim across the Jialing River at the age of sixteen.I told him that I also like swimming. In the past, my brother and I used to go to the water source to swim. "Then I'll take you to go swimming in Luji Lake in summer," he said. "Ok." I said. "The water there is cool and clean. You'll love it." "Okay." I replied vaguely. My eyelids were getting heavy, I turned around, turned my face to the wall, and covered it up. In my sleep, I felt Mr. Yu's arms around my shoulders. "Mr. Yu—" I woke up with a start and moved inside. Mr. Yu's hand was still on my shoulder, and his palm was warm. "Mr. Yu—I'm sorry—" "Young baby." Mr. Yu called softly. "Mr. Yu—I'm really sorry——" My voice trembled suddenly. "Then—you should sleep well." Mr. Yu hesitated for a moment, then patted my shoulder with his hand twice, and finally pulled it back. "Mr. Yu - I - one" A burst of unstoppable sadness surged up, and I couldn't help crying in an instant.This crying became more and more uncontrollable, as if crying out his heart, liver, stomach and lungs until he vomited out.Over the past few months, the grief, indignation, injury, humiliation and grievance that had been suppressed in my heart were vented out like a river breaking its embankment.Mr. Yu is probably the most decent, the most amiable, and the most down-to-earth person among these people I have met.But the moment he hugged my shoulder just now, what I felt was an inexplicable shame, as if my body was covered with scabies and I was afraid that others would touch it.I can't tell him that in those deep and dark nights, in the attic of the dirty hotels at the waiting station, and in the stinky toilets of Zhonghua Shopping Center in Ximending, those blurred faces stayed on my body of filth.I can't tell him, on that stormy typhoon night, in the pavilion of the lotus pond in the park, when that huge and bloated person was ferociously gnawing at my rain-soaked body, what was in my heart What I am concerned about is the maroon urn on the dining table in the moldy living room of our dilapidated home, which contains the ashes of my mother who was full of sins.Mr. Yu kept patting my back and comforting me, but the more I cried, the more sad and violent I became.