Chapter 28 "Light of the Earth" The silence is empty

nothing but silence (1) 12 On the plane back to Beijing, Jian Sheng looked out the window at the sea of ​​white clouds in the stratosphere.It is like a boundless and vast snowfield, under the ice blue dome with a gentle arc, silent and empty.The sun is intense and close at hand. He pondered over and over, if Xinhe could not agree to take care of Huai, should he file for divorce immediately.He knew that no matter what trade-offs he made, one person was destined to be hurt in the end.Whether it's against Huai or against Xinhe.And he himself will suffer from the condemnation of his conscience for a long time.Sometimes, he even resented that he owed others too much love, so that when it came time to repay, he was embarrassed and unable to do anything.However, Xin He's innocence made him feel unbearable.

Although he knows that if a person chooses kindness and gratitude, he will have more burdens and pains to face willingly. On the night when Jian Sheng returned home, the mother and daughter prepared a sumptuous home-cooked dinner for him.When Xin He opened the door to welcome him home, he hugged him happily, wrapped his hands around his neck, and jumped up to kiss him.Jane Sheng, I miss you so much! But he had an expression close to despondency, looking at Xin He's innocent joy at his return, he felt so sad for her innocence.The kind and beautiful woman in front of him is his wife who has been with him hand in hand since he was in his twenties.Her braided hair reveals her white neck, which bears an inexplicable resemblance to Huai, but is more innocent and delicate.

Kassan saw him and shouted happily, Dad! It was only then that Jian Sheng was dragged into the room by them as if he had just woken up from a dream. At the dinner table, Xinhe made her his favorite meal.Steamed sea bass, shredded tofu with coriander, salt-baked sea prawns... She has always known that Jian Sheng likes to eat salty food. Sometimes she obviously put a lot of salt, but he still thinks the taste is too bland.However, she doesn't like salty food herself, but she has repeatedly accommodated him in order to make him happy.Over time, I got used to this taste.This is the weakness or tolerance that every woman has when she loves another person deeply.

Jian Sheng has been away for nearly half a year, staying in hotels, eating restaurants, socializing, and later meeting his father and Huai. There are many disturbances, and he feels tired.Back home this time, the soft light from the ceiling lamp in the dining room, the steaming aroma of the food on the table, the taste and the heat that taste just right...everything is so familiar, full of joy and tranquility The taste of peaceful home makes people feel infinitely comfortable and comfortable.It had been a long time since the three of them had such a happy reunion, and the smiles on the faces of Xinhe and Kasang made people feel joyful and moved.

At the dinner table, Xin He repeatedly asked about his father.She didn't ask to confront him, but just because she believed in him, she even believed a lie, and she was very concerned about it.Jian Sheng hesitated, how could he tell Xin He that he and his father just met briefly and broke up unhappy, but they were always by Huai's side, and he was called back when he couldn't, and planned to leave his wife along the way? Such a lie will always be helpless and sad. At night, the heavy curtains have been drawn, and the bedroom space is very closed, which makes people feel safe.When lying down, the unique comfort of the bed at home is familiar and heartwarming.He hadn't slept with Xin He for a long time, and the body around him suddenly felt strange for no reason.She leaned over and hugged Jian Sheng, touched the scar on his chest, then lowered her head and kissed his pain sweetly.Her hands stroked Jian Sheng's face inch by inch, her bright pupils flickered faintly, and she looked up at him.The darkness in the room is like the solemn color blocks on the oil painting, which can cover all lies and truths.

She said, Jane, do you still remember our first night. He was breathing extra heavily, and answered, I remember. nothing but silence (2) Women who are vaguely uncertain about their feelings in their hearts usually like to use this method to humbly seek proof.The same is true for Xinhe.And he is very used to turning feelings into a habit of life under her repeated reminders and revisions.This is impossible. Jian Sheng—— Xinhe—— The two were silent for a while, and just about to speak, the voices blurted out at the same time, and the voices overlapped.The atmosphere was awkward by accident.

What do you want to say, Jane Sheng? He looked at Xin He's shining pupils in the dark night, and suddenly swallowed what he wanted to say.He asked, what do you want to say. Do you love me.she asked. Love. Xin He felt relieved innocently, as if he had obtained some kind of solid guarantee, and bent down to kiss him.Go to sleep, I know you are tired.she says. Jian Sheng closed his eyes again.He knew that at this moment, the feelings of the two of them were destined to be completely different.All her sweetness is so sincere and simple, and she can be satisfied only by building on any kind perfunctory of his.This undoubtedly intensified Jian Sheng's inner conflict and intolerance.He had already seen very clearly the prelude to the tragic struggle he was about to face.

What's irreparable is that, at the moment by Xin He's side, as soon as he closes his eyes, he will think of Huai. He has nowhere to go. In those days, Jian Sheng was helpless in an anxious mood, so he had no choice but to follow the most primitive and clumsy logic, doing something that seemed unwilling to let people know but would definitely let people know in the end, Then let Xin and himself approach all these initial motives.It was cruel, but cruel enough to be respectable and gentle, and he thought it was better than his own abrupt showdown. So a week later, he resigned from his teaching job at the Academy of Fine Arts, but he didn't tell Xin He.Soon, Xin He's mother asked her why Jian Sheng resigned.

She was unprepared for the news, and said in disbelief, how could it be, how could I not know? It was the weekend, and she still calmly prepared meals and waited for Jian Sheng to come back.Kassan didn't even notice anything unusual when she helped her in the kitchen.Until now, she still believed in him, so even if she stood in front of the truth, she would pass him by because of ignorance. The dinner atmosphere is still very good, the reunion of the family of three.Xin He casually asked him at the dinner table, and my mother told me that you resigned. yes. why. He was silent, hesitating slightly with the chopsticks in his hand.Jian Sheng is not a very strong and decisive person.His weakness and kindness are always closely linked and intertwined with each other, so to some extent his original sin has a kind and beautiful face that is enough to deceive people's ears.He was meant to be.At the same time, what is doomed by this also includes the love complex that even he himself cannot control.

Facing Xin He's questioning, he didn't know how to answer.Even Kassan was at the dinner table, how could he speak about such a thing. So he tried to calmly say, yes, I am going to talk to you in detail, let's talk after dinner. Kassan looked at the pair of respectful parents with clear and sensitive eyes like a deer. She knew that maybe Jian Sheng was avoiding herself, so she said timidly but sensiblely, Dad, is it not convenient to say it here...then I go back to school... Jian Sheng was heartbroken again when he heard this, and he immediately put on a soft smile and said to Kassan, no, no, how could it be because of you.You only come back once a week and we're all thinking of you.Don't go, eat well, and stay for a while to talk about everything.

The family stopped making a sound.The only sound on the dining table was the collision of bowls and chopsticks and the slight sound of chewing food.Very quiet.It is very similar to the memory of Jian Sheng living with his mother, the calm dinner before many painful nights without warning. she wants his truth 13 Jian Sheng, maybe it's time for you to tell me everything.She looked at him and said. That night, Xin He entered the bedroom early, and she waited for a long time before Jian Sheng came in.She wants his truth. She said, these years, maybe in your opinion, I am just a naive and uninteresting woman.But people are not grass, and I know that I am humbly using compromise and love to maintain my emotional life with you, and I have repeatedly ignored the disproportionate investment and return.Fortunately, the reason why we can continue to this day is because you seem to be used to learning how to maintain emotional inertia under my constant reminders and revisions.Our being together is a habit, so by the way, we also build a barrier of comfort, encourage this habit, and make it an illusion of true love—— Xin He, don't you think I don't love you, I—— ——Then do you really love me?When you are perfunctory me more and more frequently, do you think that I am so naive that I can't feel anything, can't see it.Do you really think that the mutual respect between us is the mutual affection of the ancients?This is ridiculous, Jian Sheng, women's sensitivity is often beyond your imagination.They just chose to hide their disappointment or deceive themselves for a certain purpose.And my purpose is to be with you forever.Because I love you-- Xin He.Please stop—he was suddenly very distressed and sentimental, and bent over his face with his hands—I said, it was different.But Xin He, I think I can no longer avoid it.There is one thing, I hope to get your support. You know, during this exhibition, I met my father.I went back to my hometown with my father to visit my mother's grave.I have to tell you, I went to Huai.I just wanted to visit her, but what I learned was that she was already divorced and seriously ill.She is alone so far. I want to take care of her for the sake of her kindness to me in the past. This kind of chronic disease has been delayed for a long time and the symptoms are very complicated. I think—— Jian Sheng—she interrupted him because she didn't want to listen anymore—is that why you resigned. yes. And after you went to visit the grave, you actually separated from your father, right? yes. Did you get along with Huai day and night for a month? yes. So you're lying to me aren't you? ……yes. And when you talked about this matter in front of me, you said "for the sake of her kindness to me in the past", as if this was a task you were unwilling but forced to do... But in fact , Jian Sheng, I am really disappointed in you.You are weak and hypocritical. Xin He's voice suddenly rose.This was the first time he had heard her speak to him in such a tone and tone. Xinhe... please listen to me, he said, yes, if I choose the merciless words, say that I still love her for many years, so I will take care of her... how heroic and dignified it will be, but you How can I bear it.Xin He, my fault lies in my intolerance, which made my hypocrisy and the true colors of all my emotions.I can't bear it with you.So I don't know how to choose!All my hope is only in you, if you can accept me to go to her side to accompany her to end the rest of my life, then I... I will not know how to express my gratitude, I will-- Xin He burst into tears. Looking at the man in front of her who has been in love for many years, his handsome face, and the tough and handsome lines that have been affectionately touched by her own hands... She said very softly, Jian Sheng, it turns out that my deep love for many years , is never enough for you to express your gratitude. Her voice became thin and choked with crying, and it was heart-wrenching to hear. Xin He, you don't need to do this.I am not leaving you, I will come back to you and be with you forever.I just want to be with Huai in her last days. She is ill and alone, and needs someone to take care of her—— You are too perfect, Jian Sheng, forgive me for being mean, if she just happens to be under your care, she recovers from her illness and lives a long and healthy life, then wouldn't there be no time for me to wait?Even if she ends up going first, are you really in the mood to come back by then?And all of this is not the point, the point is, Jane Sheng, your virginity's initial feelings don't belong to me, what's worse for me is that you have continued it into the deepest feeling of your life, so any form of your love And nostalgia were never really given to me.And do you think I can really be perfect to the point where I have to compromise with you? Jian Sheng, I was able to make any compromises and accommodations to you in the past, it was because you were still by my side, and I still had the hope of being with you for the rest of my life to support myself.And now, even you are leaving, how can I be magnanimous enough to accept your infidelity. I am your wife, but I need to tolerate your deceit and lack of love, and I have to let you stay with another person you love deeply and take care of her for the rest of her life...Sorry, if I am your all One of the mistresses only exists for your money, so this ethical confusion may still be within my imagination. Even so, what about our daughter?What about Kassan?what should she doYou asked me again and again whether I was mature in thinking, but if I asked you the same thing now, how would you explain it? When she said this, her voice was high and full of emotion.Any woman with a true temperament would inevitably be unable to restrain herself when faced with such a thing. Jian Sheng was behind her, listening to Xin He's every word in a daze. Both of them were speechless, sitting with their backs facing each other, silent for a long time. Silence and darkness are the breeding ground for sweetness and shyness in young and rising passionate love.And the feelings that come from a long distance at the end of the road are the autumn frost that kills tenderness and forbearance. In front of him is only Xin He's thin girlish back, as quiet and beautiful as a marble statue, but it is so beautiful because of this dull frustration.It seems that the resentful woman whose years have been taken away from her body, even venting is a kind of humbleness in disguise.She gave him youth and affection, as well as real benefits--study, career, marriage--all of which surrounded her objectively with happiness as a sign, like an impenetrable barrier of motherhood, blunting many The sharp and cold edges and corners of fate gave him a sweet and originally eternal destination. And this kind of affection is because I am used to it, so I turn a blind eye.This is destined to be the beginning and end of charity and ruthlessness.And he didn't have the strength to pursue the root of all this.If a person is in destiny, he often cannot control it by himself. Jian Sheng, her voice was as faint as light, and I asked myself, my only mistake was that I shouldn't have deceived myself from the beginning.And once people become wishful thinking, they can no longer talk about self-esteem.You love her bitterly, probably nothing more than that.We are actually in the same disease.It's just that the object of emotional delivery is not riveting.There is no reason.Come to think of it, you are really a kind and righteous person. You have never forgotten it for so many years, and kindness is a picture.But after all, you blindly crave the illusions that have long passed away, which is almost an abnormal complex, and even hurt innocent others, but it is also a sign of weakness and ruthlessness. I just feel sorry that I didn't have the blessing of Huai to become the virgin and continuation of your feelings. And now that it's over, there's really nothing I can do.I know now that the last thing my feelings can do for you is to fulfill your wishes.Any more begging and struggling to save it will be futile and will only add to your contradictions and pain.After all, I love you.So I can't bear to pester you and torture each other.Jian Sheng. Their conversation fell silent.In the silence, Kassan pushed open the bedroom door.The straight line of the door divides her figure into two halves, one half is illuminated by the lights in the room and inlaid in the open gap, and the other half is invisible and hidden behind the door.Xinhe walked over and said, Kasang, why did you come in. Without saying a word, Kassan reached out and took his mother into his arms.Kassan was already a head taller than her mother, holding her tightly at this moment, only feeling her mother tremble slightly.Her warm, bloody tears gradually wet Kassan's neckline.She hugged her mother and looked directly at Jian Sheng who was sitting on the edge of the bed.The four eyes are facing each other. the most suitable choice 14 The city in October becomes a mirror full of autumn colors.The golden leaves fell to the ground, but were carried away by the wind again and again, flying low like dust against the dry road surface.Sometimes when the wind stopped, they would slump and fall again, unable to catch up with the flying smoke and dust.If it is quiet enough, you can hear the echo of the leaves running across the street. Xiao Ran heard it softly, like the most refined sound of tearing silk.It is also like the withered butterfly drinking tears in the legend, who is forgotten in the world because of the desolation of unrequited love.The moment the fallen leaves fall down, there is a sense of loss, like a hand with a hollow posture, reaching out to grab something, but only grabbing the end of a wind that has no time to escape. The imagined autumn should be like this.But in the south, there is an ambiguous green all year round.In any season, one grasp is a handful of green.Only temperature can be used to perceive the change of seasons and the truth of time.Because of the hoarded rain, the sky always looks like a face full of tears all the year round, with a gloomy and vague sadness. He and his mother live in a city near the sea.When a typhoon passes by, standing on the roof of an empty building, you will be shoulder-to-shoulder with large swaths of low dark clouds.The fierceness and raging of the wind make people shake their steps when they are outside, but because they realize their own insignificance and powerlessness, they can experience unprecedented tragic pleasure.The canopy of the tall trees was severely pressed down by the violent wind, and then bounced up again, repeating this kind of abuse in a dim and helpless manner.The downpour came in an instant, and the huge raindrops fell densely like bad luck, splashing a layer of misty water on the ground.The gray and rainy sky was as crisp as broken porcelain, splitting a series of disordered lightning bolts, which was shocking, followed by deafening thunder.The gods, who were so violent that they seemed to be fighting bloody battles for the well-being of mankind, turned their backs angrily when they saw that their creations brought only worldly regrets and sins. There was a time before such a heavy rain came, a strong wind suddenly picked up, flying sand and rocks.The mother has not come back yet, and the heavy blanket she washed is still hanging on the long aluminum pole to dry on the steel bracket welded to the outer wall of the balcony.The blanket was shaken violently by the blowing, as if it was about to fall off. Jian Sheng quickly closed the doors and windows, and then ran to the balcony to collect the blankets.The fence of the balcony was very high, and he leaned out desperately, but he could only reach the edge of the blanket.It was a cloudy afternoon, and the thick blanket hadn't dried completely, and was wrapped in moisture, making it extra heavy.Jian Sheng grabbed the corner of the blanket and pulled it in, but his strength was too weak, and accidentally, the blanket fell directly from the sixth floor.It was blown away like a piece of paper by the wind, drenched, and fell to the muddy floor of the flowerbed downstairs, making a mess. He knew that he had caused trouble, and unfortunately, he watched his mother just come back, knowing that she happened to run into the scene where the blanket was dropped by him downstairs.He was terrified on the balcony to see his mother running over to pick up the heavy soaked blanket, drenched in the rain, irritated and angrily cursing and walking upstairs.Amidst the violent and noisy sound of the wind and rain, Jian Sheng could clearly hear his mother's cursing because of her fury.She began to curse from downstairs, and her voice followed her hasty footsteps from the yard to the door of the house. The mother is an ordinary woman who has become full of resentment because of her rough life.At that time, Jian Sheng didn't know that her mother had suffered from menopausal hyperthyroidism. Due to hormones that she couldn't control, her personality was even more irritable, and her anger was involuntary. Jian Sheng was trembling with fear when his mother came upstairs.He timidly went to open the door and waited for his mother to come up. Drenched, the mother stepped through the door, gasped and threw the dirty, wet blanket on the floor, then stood there staring at the boy without saying a word in frustration and fury. He was lowering his head and shrunk his shoulders, looking like he was afraid of his birthright.The mother was furious, she gritted her teeth tightly, and slapped her hard across the face as soon as she shook her hand.Jian Sheng was beaten back a few steps, his eyes darkened for a while, he turned to face his mother, and wept bitterly and helplessly. Can you fucking do a good thing for me to see, so as not to cause me some trouble. The mother's voice squeezed out from between her teeth.The involuntary surge of strong irritability has become unbearable.She stretched out her hand again and pushed Jian Sheng away.Jian Sheng staggered, tripped sideways, and bumped the bridge of his nose against the corner of the cabinet loudly, causing blood to flow from his nose immediately. There was a burst of tension and guilt in the mother's heart.But because of the authority just now, he was furious and couldn't get off the stage, so he didn't care about him.The child huddled there covering his face, tears and blood mixed together, and his face was dyed shockingly bright red. He was so painful that tears flowed involuntarily, and he said in a voice so small that he could hardly hear him clearly, Mom, I just want to help you... If I don't mind my own business... maybe I don't need to be beaten... Warm and viscous blood.It was something he had dreaded and longed for as a child.In that memory, what impressed him the most was not being beaten or bleeding, but a conclusion.Good intentions don't always mean good rewards.A well-intentioned original intention is very likely to be self-defeating.This is the most unfair but realistic logic in this world - don't meddle in your own business.No matter how legitimate and urgent. He has embraced this maxim ever since.Until Huai used her kindness to teach him to change his mind. Will it be the same this time.It's just a lot more complicated than taking back a blanket.If he just wanted to give something in return, he could just give Huai some money for medical treatment, but he didn't have to choose to go back to Huai's side.But he still chose the latter.Although from the very beginning, Huai has always held an alienated attitude towards his feelings and existence. Most of the women with a tough heart have such a shield, and the emotional choice seems thin and calm as water.He could clearly see that he had always seemed dispensable to Huai, and could come and go.When he came, Huai would treat him kindly, and when he went, Huai would go away peacefully.This kind of alienation and indifference made it hard to tell whether it was the essence of her feelings for him, whether it was love or kindness.Or maybe both.The only thing that can be discerned is that Xin He's emotional style is not the same as this.Her hope is not complicated, she just wants the two of them to work together steadily and for a long time.But he couldn't satisfy her. This is not fair to Xin He. If damage has to be done sooner or later, default can only be worse.He must regard himself as blind.With unwavering faith, she wants to return to Huai, and she can give up everything.With a determination bordering on paranoia. But before they formally negotiated a divorce, Kassan asked the adoptive parents to end the adoption relationship. Jian Sheng asked her.What are you doing, Kassan.The matter between me and your mother has nothing to do with you.You don't need to be so willful. She said, Father, I was originally not related to you, but I have been raised and cared for by you for so many years, and I have gained an unprecedented good life and love.The gratitude in my heart cannot be expressed in words.I know that you are going to divorce your mother, so what an embarrassing role I will be among you.If you want to take care of others, you can't take me with you, so why don't you let the mother alone take on a bloodless daughter for no reason? How heavy and unfair this is to her.I have been an independent child since childhood.What's more, now that I'm an adult, I think, I have the ability to live independently.There should be no more embarrassment and contradictions for you.I'll leave first, and your divorce can be straightforward without any complications. Father, I have thought about it over and over again.You don't have to think about it.Doing so can be regarded as my repayment for your kindness.And this is also the most suitable choice. he chooses to be silent 15 early winter.The sky has a chill and bleak look, and the wind is blowing all day long.The air is dry and cold, rushing towards the face, going through the heart and lungs, making people infinitely calm and happy.Between the gaps in the windows, there is the sound of howling wind passing through, and the glass shakes for a long time, making a miserable sound.The abrupt and naked tree has shed all its branches and leaves, and the street is desolate as far as the eye can see. That day, Kassan and her parents went home from the civil affairs department to terminate the adoption relationship.This will be the last time she will be with her family.The three sat in the car without saying a word.Each looked out the window, immersed in their own thoughts.Kassan got off the car at the school gate.Then say goodbye to your parents.It seemed to be just an ordinary and routine back to school.But she knew that after this farewell, she would never be able to return home.She was alone in this world again.This is the way she chose to repay, and because of this, she felt very peaceful in her heart. She just felt that everything had been solved satisfactorily, that she could finally be free of worries, and that she would not become a burden to others, which was very good. Man always needs to safely follow the original will of fate.Often detoured a long way, and finally returned to that starting point.What a difference. Kassan gets out of the car.Xin He suddenly couldn't bear it.She also got out of the car and walked over to hold her tightly.Said, Kassan, if there are any difficulties in the future, I will be here and will help you.Xin He stopped here, wanting to say something, but finally stopped talking.She raised her eyes to look at the unrelated daughter in front of her. The two looked at each other for a moment, but Xin He suddenly couldn't bear to face it and looked away. Xin He's hair was disheveled and tangled around his temples, his expression slumped.After days of sleeplessness, his complexion was pale, his eyes were red and swollen, bloodshot all over.The slim figure was wrapped in a black overcoat, and the skirt fluttered in the cold wind, making a sound of hunting.This gentle and kind-hearted woman, who made sacrifices for her feelings, will end up gaining nothing and being alone.It's amazing to watch.Kassan didn't know what to say to comfort her.She was originally calm and calm, but at this moment, facing this reluctant farewell, she couldn't help the tears in her eyes. She just said, mother, the good man is safe.Take care of yourself in future. She turned and left, fading away. Jian Sheng witnessed this scene in the car.His elbows rested on the edge of the car window, his fists pressed against the cheekbones of his face, and his teeth were clenched. He chose to remain silent.Close your eyes, as if the darkest night is surging like a tide. the only thing that is still Chapter Six The oath is used to tie the turbulent heart, and finally it will tie the void.The mountains and forests do not swear to the four seasons, prosperity and decline follow fate; the ocean does not need to make promises to the sandy shore, it is a joy to meet Even language should be abandoned. Between you and me, there is only clean silence and existence. —— Jian Zhen's "Sea Oath" 1 When the year is about to end, winter is getting deeper.In November of that year, the first snow fell.The doors and windows of the old and cramped dormitory are closed.At night, with the sound of the wind whistling through the window in the dark, you can fall asleep quickly with a sense of security.The heating pipe made a slight gurgling sound.In the early morning, there is a blur of fog and frost on the glass of Xiaoge Xiaoge. The single bed in the dormitory was hard and narrow, and when I tossed and turned, it kept shaking.Before dawn in the morning, the dormitory supervisor turned on the switch, and the fluorescent lamps suddenly illuminated the originally dark and quiet dormitory in white.The roommates suddenly murmured and turned over, some stayed out of bed, some got up in a daze, fetched water to wash their faces, dressed and dressed, stacked beds and sorted cabinets, the small space suddenly became noisy and merged into a stream There was a wave of noise, which gave Kassan a headache. She has had a fever since last night, and she is slightly awake now, but she only feels a splitting headache, body aches, eyes that are so dry that she can't open them, and her body alternates between cold and hot.She wasn't going to get up.Wrapped in a quilt and lethargic. After a long time of drowsiness, the loud noise of opening and closing the door woke her up again.Then the dormitory gradually quieted down.The roommates leave.The last person to come out slammed the lights out.The room suddenly returned to a cloudy and oppressive gloom. It was already dawn.The sound of the wind still passed through, whistling. Sleeping too long can cause headaches and weakness.She had a fever and woke up occasionally, but she didn't have the strength to get up, turned over and continued to sleep with her eyes closed.In deep and shallow dreams, blurred and chaotic images and people constitute a roll of film, which is pulled past the front of the eyes at different speeds, and the sound becomes distorted. She dreamed at last that she was still in a snow field under the endless moonlight.There is only a vast silvery white in the field of vision, like a flat and straightforward whisper, spreading endlessly.In the dark blue night sky, there is nothing but the bright and dazzling moon.The world is silent as if it is the end of the world.Everything can be forgiven, everything can be forgotten.Everything about people will be washed, and they will disappear into another world to enter the next cycle of reincarnation with a pure body without sin and love. Standing in the deserted world of ice and snow, she suddenly felt the ultimate relief and cleansing like death. This is like the outline and face of the hometown.It stands in your memory like an old man, standing silently for many years, and then crashing down.You look back and see nothing but emptiness, sorry.too late. She woke up from the dream, covered in sweat, and felt cold the moment she woke up.Throat burning, unable to speak.His eyes were dry, and when he opened them, his vision was blurred. She wants to have a pair of hands beside her, which she can hold warmly and feel the soft temperature of the palm of that hand.There is also a dry and solid texture when touching her forehead.What a grand comfort and peace that would be. In reality, however, there was nothing around her. Kassan got up from the bed, poured water to drink, dug out the pills from the box, swallowed them, then retreated to the bed and continued to sleep.She slept all day.When the roommates came back in the afternoon, she finally got up.The fever subsided, but after sleeping for too long, the whole body was almost too weak to stand upright.A roommate asked if he wanted to buy her a meal.She didn't want it, she put on her clothes and went out the door. Downstairs in the dormitory she called Canaan.When she heard his voice, she felt strange and abrupt, and felt a sense of blindness.What is she doing this for.I don't even know myself.She said directly to him, come and pick me up, Canaan. Canaan breathed out over the phone and said, I'm busy now, so I can't come here.You can go to Zizhuyuan on the West Third Ring Road by yourself.There is a parking lot under Zizhu Bridge, you can wait for me there. You must come, Canaan. He promised to come down and said, I'll pick you up there.But you yourself must come first.Call me when you get there. Feeling lost in her heart, she hung up the phone without saying a word.Then he wrapped his coat tightly and buried himself in the snow. She went to eat and ordered a bowl of hot wontons.She had been hungry for too long, and her stomach was sour from hunger.The small restaurant at the gate of the school has a simple signboard, the gate is covered with snow, and the floor of the restaurant is dirty.Students in twos and threes gathered to eat, drink beer, and laugh.She sat alone at a table in the corner, picked up the hot wontons, and ate them quickly, regardless of the heat.It's been a long time since I felt such a delicious food.The warmth made my whole body feel better gradually.Holding the hot bowl in the frozen hands, the temperature gradually recovered. There was still sporadic fine snow outside.It was dark and the air was bitter.Waiting for the train at the station, surrounded by passers-by shivering and hurrying.Some stopped beside them and waited for the bus, and some walked quickly from behind, leaving behind the sound of empty footsteps.Mutual silence, mutual alienation.The exhaled breaths collided and condensed into mist in the air. She finally jumped into a car and found a seat by the window.Outside the window is the night when the lights are on, and the light box advertisements are brilliant, showing the most desolate and lonely prosperity of the city.Remnant snow piled up on the side of the street, and the road surface was wet and dirty.The bus squirmed back and forth, tired and hasty. After she got out of the car, she took a taxi and walked for a while, and finally arrived at the Zizhu Bridge. The West Third Ring Road under the night is relatively smooth, the vehicles on the road are shuttling fast, and the sound of speed is pulling past quickly and mercilessly.Every object in the city has this kind of ruthlessness.Everyone and even every car is running blindly all the time, ignoring other things that have nothing to do with the immediate goal.When passing by your side, it rushes vigorously, pulls a gust of wind, and then disappears quickly.Leaving a huge void and abandonment is very lonely. She waited under the bridge, looking at the speeding car in front of her, the sound of that speed was clearer and more desolate.She was extremely cold, shivering and wandering on the side of the dark road, feeling that her hands and feet were so stiff that she couldn't feel it.The car parked in the dilapidated parking lot in front was as dark and silent as a corpse in a cemetery. Like her, it was the only thing that had calmed down in this tense world. She felt that after waiting for a long time, she finally saw Canaan's Porsche driving up. She got into the car, and a burst of heating mixed with the smell of nicotine hit her face. hollow and eerie echo 2 The room is on the ninth floor.The elevator is a little old and the voltage is not stable, so the lights inside keep flashing.The ascent was tedious and tedious, and the noise of the machinery running was loud, creating a hollow and eerie echo in the elevator shaft.It felt as if the rope was about to snap, and then the elevator car would plummet down, smashing to pieces with a bang. Canaan was leaning against the elevator wall, looking tired, with an ambiguous and faint smile on the corner of his mouth, which seemed reluctant.He said, why do you suddenly think of me? Kassan said nothing, but said that he had a fever during the day.slept all day.I don't want to stay in the dormitory anymore.But there is nowhere to go. The man bowed his head and lit a cigarette after listening.He said, I have not slept for three days. The decoration in the room is very simple, with wooden floors and white walls.Others are not in style.This is not Canaan's house in Beijing.His house is being completely renovated, so he rented a set to live in temporarily. Things were placed in a mess, and there was smoke everywhere.他落拓而随意地说，想喝什么自己喝，想坐哪儿自己坐。电视自己看，也有电脑。 迦南说话都好像提不起力气一样，十分疲倦的样子。 然后他径自进了卫生间，很快传来了洗澡冲水的声音。 卡桑局促尴尬地坐在客厅沙发上，无聊至极，翻阅手边的一本杂志。她某一瞬间想要走。她好像不知道为什么自己会莫名其妙地出现在这个男子的家里，也不知道自己究竟是要干什么。她只是头脑发热然后过来了。 但她还未来得及走的时候，迦南已经从卫生间出来，身上穿着一件藏青色的宽大睡衣，头发很湿。好像有了一点精神的样子。从额头上滴下几滴水珠，沿着线条朗致的面孔缓缓下滑。他走过来，站在卡桑面前，俯下身从茶几上拿起烟和打火机，又开始抽烟。 两个人在昏暗而静默的空间里对峙，没有言语，面无表情。 短暂的沉默过后，迦南俯下身，抱着她的头，亲吻并且抚摸她。身体摩擦并且呼吸急促的窸窸窣窣的声音在空洞的房间里面回荡。末了，他抬起头来，说，跟我过来，卡桑。 他一把就将卡桑抱起，走进卧室。 她童年时代已经有过这样的经历。却因为发生得突然和乖戾，时间已久，好像已经不再真实。她有时候想也许是因为回到城市中，置身一个完全迥异的生活环境的原因，自己竟然可以这样就忘记，并且原谅。 她此刻并非面对一个青涩的少年，会因为缺乏经验而觉得新鲜，紧张或者尴尬。对迦南来说，这样的事情已经不再有什么新意和犹豫，仿佛只是一个苍白简单的过程，用身体弥补一次终极短暂的安慰。 情欲是成年世界洞开的一道门。无论怎样的年轻，但凡被情欲覆盖的身体，就立刻会以迅疾的速度垂垂老去。无论怎么形容情欲的华丽和苍凉，从中寻欢，抑或受苦，它都终究不过是最彰显人类动物本性的一种行为而已。而一切越接近本性的东西，越会因为失去面具而变得空洞淋漓。 肌肤相亲的时候，她离他的身体从未那么近。她离他的灵魂从未那么远。 迦南像是沉溺在刺激游戏之中的孩子，被快乐完全麻醉。他的脑中一片空白。而她抱着他赤裸并且陌生得充满了否定感的身体，心中无限地荒凉。她说，带我走。迦南。我再也不愿留在这里。 他毫无反应，完事之后转身翻过去就睡着。 从陌生的床上起来 3 她凌晨从陌生的床上起来。天还未亮，却已经有稀薄的晨曦。窗户上厚厚的一层雾水。什么都看不清。屋子里的安静和压抑，将空气冻结起来。 她轻手轻脚地穿衣。在洗手间去用冷水泼脸，漱口。冬天的冷水冰冷蚀骨，双手在冷水下面冲着，冻得发痛。脸上留着水珠，整个人变得一下子就清醒。 卧室里沉睡的迦南一直未醒。卡桑洗过脸，走到房间门口，靠着墙壁停下来。她就这么站在那里凝视着床上还在沉睡的迦南，看见他此刻安静的脸。沉睡中的迦南，不再有疲倦的神情，不再有那种淡漠的独属于男人的笑容，只像一个孩子。长长的睫毛覆盖着梦境。 她觉得这个瞬间非常美好。便走过去，伏在床边，靠近他。她伸出手顽皮地挠他的头发，把他弄醒。迦南被弄得不舒服，捂着被子，抬起眼皮恹恹欲睡地看着卡桑。她说，我要回去了，迦南。他在床上模糊而低沉地嗯了一声，然后就又闭上了眼睛，想要睡觉。 卡桑不说话，抚摸了一下他的头，然后就站起来，转身离开。 清晨，城市还陷在迷蒙的雾气之中。她坐的那辆早班车，空荡并且缓慢，却像是破冰船一般，缓缓地，锐不可当地穿刺在这个尚未苏醒的城市里，直到它的深处。冗长枯燥的行驶，她渐渐感到疲倦。把头靠在玻璃窗上，觉得自己快要孤独微渺得彻底消失。 时间暂灭，幻象清晰。她骨子有从高原的土地那里汲取而来的鲜活勇戾的血液，为着对颠沛流离的生活的追索，从生下来起就具备了万般独立。她内心的光，是幼年时代记忆深刻的月色下的雪原。那种原始洪荒一般壮阔的洁净与纯白，归根结底是命运的谶语。她受此吸引，追索的只是内心对于路途的盎然兴致。自从离奇而唐突地被扔进了这庞大而森然的城市，她觉得已经很久没有看到过路。反而像是藏在一口深井的底部，四壁徒然，身处黑暗。唯有抬头时所见的一束炫目日光，从命运深处照耀进来。她对光只有好奇。而不是希望和依靠。 那一年的圣诞节的时候，叶蓝回来，去学校找她。先是打电话，卡桑看到电话上那个陌生的号码，犹豫地接起来。卡桑，是我，叶蓝。我刚下飞机。I'll go find you.到学校门口来。 她的声音阔别了许久，撞击着卡桑的鼓膜。卡桑抱着欣喜的心情，迫不及待地匆匆地跑去门口。就像她们还是小小少年的时候，每当一听见叶蓝在楼下喊她的名字，她就咚咚地跑下去一样。 冬日的寒风一刀刀刮在脸上，整个城市在风中都显得疲倦而颓萎。周围有稀松的人影晃动，进进出出。天色渐渐暗下来，一瞬间，一路整饬的华灯倏然就亮了。她并不介意等上太久，索性坐在花台边上，晃动着站僵的腿，双手搓着冰冷的脸。抬起头来意兴阑珊地望着路上的人群，面无表情，桀骜凛然的样子。 叶蓝的车开过来。看到她下车走出来的时候，卡桑一个雀跃站起来，奔跑过去，几乎是撞上去抱她。叶蓝张开双臂拥着她过来，被她扑得直趔趄后退。叶蓝贴着卡桑的脸，感到冷得像冰。她说，我明明跟你说好我刚下飞机，你为什么不等一会儿再出来，非要傻站在这儿等上这么久。 卡桑的脸埋在叶蓝的大衣上，紧贴着她，深深地吸气，说话的声音变得瓮声瓮气：我想你，叶蓝。 我知道，我也想你，叶蓝说，去我家吧。Kassan. it is good. 路上很堵，开开停停，十分缓慢。两个人坐在后座。叶蓝让司机把暖气开足。过来，卡桑。你冻坏了。she says. 我已经跟我的父母解除收养关系。Ye Lan.我现在离开家一个人生活。车又停下来的时候，卡桑把事情告诉她。 叶蓝有些震惊，她伸出手一遍遍抚摸卡桑的头。手指细碎地捏着打结的发稍，一点点地解开。她说，为什么你要这么做。 父亲要跟母亲离婚。搬到他原来的城市。他有一个爱了很多年的女子在那儿，听说是因为患了病，父亲放不下，要去照顾她。据说是要一直到死，或者一直到活。who knows. 卡桑声音变得很轻，脸转过去心猿意马地望了几眼窗外，不屑的样子。 她又说，我总不能还留在这个家里，等着法院判定我该属于哪一方。父亲当然不会要我，而把我判给母亲未免太沉重，太残忍。我本来就于他们非亲非故，他们照顾我这么多年，我已经觉得恩重如山。再拖赖下去，我只会鄙视自己。 她在这里打住，没有继续往下。叶蓝不语，怜惜地伸手把卡桑揽过来，卡桑索性躺下来，睡在叶蓝的腿上，仰望着车窗外的夜色以迅疾的速度陷入越来越深的黯淡。城市又恢复夜里灯火通明的繁华苍凉。 她躺在那里，抓着叶蓝的手，是放在自己额头上。说，叶蓝，我始终觉得，有时候注定了的宿命，无论绕多么大的一个圈子，终究会回到原来的状态。我很早就孑然一人，没有父母地活着。后来又突然又被好心的人带走，扔进城市，仿佛这样就可以人为篡改我的轨道。但是你看，我现在长大，最终还不是要孤身一人。 叶蓝抚摸她的面孔，说，你错了，卡桑。我们每个人都是孤身一人，只不过有时候陪伴簇拥的人多了，便有了错觉。到了一切恢复原本的时候，觉得自己万众离弃。其实只不过是幻象消失，还你一个本来面目而已。 不要再想，卡桑。起码现在我们在一起。 她在叶蓝的家里吃饭。叶蓝叫人把已经摆在餐桌上的饭菜端进自己的房间里面来，两个人豪情大发地坐在地上吃，放肆地开了古巴朗姆酒来喝，故意东倒西歪，弄得一片狼藉。 叶蓝挪过身子来，坐到卡桑旁边，放下手里的酒杯，把卡桑的头抱过来，当成一个球一样，像孩子一般顽皮地而亲热地啃。两个人尖叫着扑倒在床上，不停打闹，煞是热烈。她们始终都是肆意的孩子般的姿态，十分纵情。闹了很久，最后累了躺在床上。 忽然间变得安静。两个人侧身面对面地躺着，静止中注视着对方。叶蓝的手停在卡桑的铺散开来的头发上，轻轻把玩。 我想跟迦南走，我要跟他结婚。卡桑突然念叨。脸上有含义复杂的笑容，带有自嘲。叶蓝说，你疯了。 No.I love him.但最重要的是，我想要真正的生活。而不是呆在这里，浑浑噩噩地度日。 那你这么盲目地跟他走，就不算浑浑噩噩吗？ 这是不一样的，叶蓝。You know. 夜里她们躺在一起睡觉。细声碎语地聊天，说到很多遥远的过去和今后。说到曾经那些出现过的人，说到生命中遗失第一个吻的时刻，说到初夜里腥甜的温暖与疼痛，说到对那种粘稠而空洞的感情的绝望……记忆和忘却相互交替，断断续续，却持续很长时间。言语像水一样流动，也像水一样柔软无着。平日的生活里都是从不谈论心事的人，言语简单，丝毫不会多余。但是只有面对一两个特定的人，才会有说话的兴趣。毕竟说话是让人疲倦的事情。 她们最终在凌晨的时候沉睡过去。 她记得叶蓝最后说，看，我们从十二三岁起就这样躺在一起说话。这么多年过去了，我们还能如此。very nice. 天又快亮了，卡桑。Good night. 没有后退的可能 4 寒假快要来临的时候，众人又开始为了考试而奔忙。又回到仿佛没日没夜的浑浊的日子。在图书馆看书，一坐就是一整天。 迦南那日似乎精神很好，去学校接她。她还在图书馆看书。接到电话，却放下手中的书就去见他。 她觉得仿佛已经很久没有看到他了。走到校门口的时候，见着他站在车门旁边，便雀跃着奔过去扑进他怀里。男子被她逗乐，笑着叫起来。 她身上始终有着纵情肆意的品格，只是长久没有崭露。有时候会异常镇静安定，有时候却又活泼如孩童。她遇到迦南，便选择一种没有顾忌的肆意的姿态去接近他。因了内心的无望。 在和迦南在一起的这段时间，她被他接走，在他租住的家里，纠缠在一起上床，睡觉，外出吃饭。两个人在一起，不会逛街，不会看电影，不会去打电玩，不会泡吧，不会坐在一起看电视，除了会在一起吃饭之外，没有年轻普通情侣的例行公事。 但是他去拍卖行办事情，去展览会实地看样，或者买家要求鉴定古董的时候，却会带上卡桑一起去。那段时间卡桑从这些经历中学到的东西，比在大学里面读了几年书的所得都要多。他们两个人偶尔同时出现在街上的时候，无疑是醒目的：卡桑有着藏族血统所赋予的颀长高大的骨架，肌体线条紧致爽快，显得非常的瘦，脸上依旧留着童年时代的阳光给她扑上的胭脂一般的绯红，五官格外清晰，透着一种锐利的骏马一般的豪情，一身麦色的皮肤，漆黑的长长发辫，引人侧目。身边的迦南有着混血特征明显的面孔，凹凸有致朗然悦目，高大粗犷的体格，古铜色闪亮的皮肤，走在一起与卡桑十分般配。两个人步态高昂，吸引得路人们频频回头。但两个人并不喜欢这样的注目，因此在北京很少一起外出。 她若不是跟迦南一起去办事，就是和他窝在的家里哪也不去。 那日在床上，两人身体赤裸，相互靠得很近。长时间的亲吻和抚摸。若隐若现的模糊言语。迦南捧着她的脸说，再过大半个月我就要离开北京，要去西藏进一批古董，之后要托人把它们转手到香港，完了还要回尼泊尔，大概很长一段时间不能够回来。 我是想带你一起去西藏看货，卡桑。 那除非让我嫁给你。 我在家里已经有两个妻子，还有很多孩子。这些都是我父亲的安排，也是我们的传统。 卡桑微微一愣。末了，她依然说，好，那也就不多我一个。寒假我就跟你走。迦南。 好啊，他淡漠地笑着，又有疲倦的神情，声音很浅。 我可以帮你办护照和签证。he said again. 那年春节快要临近的时候又下了一场雪。雪下得很大，铺满了街道。地面的雪被踩得坑坑洼洼，也很脏，只有房顶和树稍是洁净的银装素裹。一些破败的旧胡同里，肮脏的雪水污浊泛黑，在墙角积成一摊。紧闭的门户上还贴着去年的剪纸画和对联，颜色却已经褪得很浅，显得潦倒颓败。挟着积雪的树枝桠光秃秃的，偶尔露出一两个破的鸟巢。一根根低矮的电线，偶尔缠着破风筝的残骸，孤魂一般招摇在瑟瑟寒风中。运货的三轮车，锈迹斑斑地停在胡同口。贫穷总是在寒冬的盛大节日里更加显得苍凉萧索。 大街上的繁华区却尽显热闹和喜庆。举家团圆的大好节日，张灯结彩，一些商店门口挂了五彩的条幅和大红灯笼，进出商场购买年货的人们大包小包，热热闹闹，喜上眉梢。有很多放了假的孩子们，裹着厚厚衣服和长长围巾，满街闲晃。 而这冷暖不均的世界之上，天空总是寂静的湛蓝，冬季白亮惨淡的日光照耀着城市的大街小巷，在贫穷和富裕之间并无偏倚。只有时光又无情地走过了一年一岁的聚和散。 学校里有些外地同学已经买好了回家的票，打电话给家人告诉回来的日子，甜蜜而急切。还没有寻到票的，着急地四处打听。她却什么也不过问。这不是她的生活，或者说，这不是她现在的生活。 她只想过走之前要不要回去看望一下辛和，看看她这些日子生活是否还好。但是她不想让辛和觉得她是因为放假了找不到地方住而回来，那样的误会会十分尴尬。于是她依旧没有回去。不打算再有任何留恋。 那年的冬天放假之前，她去学校办理了两年的休学。非常肆意落拓，毫无顾忌。一个人独自拖着行李，跟着男子毫无目的地离开。她所能面对的天地，都是雪盲。身边的人，无论在情欲中如何靠近，都是隔岸之花。只要这个人对她的要求没有拒绝，只要这个人还愿意出一张机票带她走，她就会上路。 脚底的世界踩起来是空的，永远摇摇欲坠。唯有如此危险的美感才是路的本身。她在这个世间一直向前走去，每跨过一步，路就在她的脚后跟上断裂并且消失。没有来的时候的印记，更没有后退的可能。只有不断地走，并且停不下来。除了路，她无处可去。