Chapter 8 Chapter 8 A Season of Hell [Part 3]

Soon my wedding will come.That day was a very good day chosen by the parents of both parties. It was written in the almanac: suitable for marriage, relocation, not travelling.But that day, it had been cloudy since the morning, and it started to rain in the morning.For some reason, I felt a lot better when I saw it started to rain. There were a lot of guests that day, many of them were old subordinates and colleagues of my father in the past, some of them had never even met me, but they could come to my wedding with expensive gifts.There are also many relatives over there.It was only then that I discovered that many relatives in her family were quite rich.Her uncle is said to be a well-known real estate agent, and she has a cousin who is married to an American lawyer.

I searched carefully among the guests, and found that my cousin did not come to my wedding.I feel a little bit lost. I exchanged pleasantries with most people with no expression on my face, even though I absolutely hated doing it.I just hope that this crowded and humid day will be over soon, and I can also unload this huge burden on my heart and sleep well. The wedding was Chinese - she would have advocated a Western wedding because she liked churches.But it was firmly rejected by me, because I doubt whether I can say "I do" against my will in such a sacred place. So the whole ceremony was much simpler.The venue of the wedding was a revolving restaurant on the top floor of a four-star hotel.My mom even hired a famous master of ceremonies to officiate the ceremony to liven things up.The master of ceremonies was a greasy-faced man with a sharp mouth. I don't know why at a certain moment I hated him so much that I even secretly called him garbage and scum in my heart.

The bride is quite beautiful.I never thought she was beautiful before, but when she was wearing a white wedding dress with a sweet smile and walked slowly in front of everyone, I was actually a little tempted by her.As much as I hate this wedding, the beautiful bride made it a little different.She entertained guests and friends generously, and smiled at relatives she didn't know—she was a lovely woman, but maybe she didn't know that she would have a husband who didn't love her. In the process of toasting guests from table to table, I drank a lot of wine, but for some reason, the more I drank, the clearer my head became.I can clearly feel the well-behaved and slender woman holding my arm.The drunken elders patted me on the shoulder and said I was blessed, I had nothing to say but smiled at them.I think I must have looked like a fool at that time.

In the evening, the wedding was finally over.The guests gradually dispersed.A car drove her and me back to our new home.It was bought by my parents for my wedding, and it is said that they spent most of their savings.I've been here twice before.The house is large and well-decorated.She used to spend a lot of time decorating our room before the wedding.When I entered, I found a huge bed covered with dark red sheets and silk quilts.Rose petals were sprinkled on the pillows and sheets, and the whole room was filled with a sweet fragrance. "Do you like it? I prepared it specially." She said softly.

I nodded, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and went to the bathroom.I need to take a hot shower because I'm very, very tired. After showering, I headed back to our bedroom.I found her lying on her side on the bed.She was wearing a black bra and black silk panties, and the silk was draped around her waist, revealing her beautiful curves. "Come here, give me a hug." She said softly to me. I didn't know what to say, so I lay down next to her. She rested her head on my shoulder and began to gently stroke my chest and arms with her fingers.The skin of her fingers is delicate, and I can feel myself getting excited little by little.So the guilt I felt when I made love to her for the first time hit me again: Binbin's reflection appeared in my mind.I tried my best not to think about Binbin, and secretly said to myself that the one lying in my arms is my legal wife, and the only right thing in this world is to have sex with her.But for some reason, Binbin's face became more and more clear in my mind, and I felt physically and mentally exhausted.

At this time, she had already taken off her bra.Her two full and straight breasts appeared in front of me.I could smell the faint scent of her tits.I closed my eyes, trying not to look at her, but she put her hand inside my bathrobe and began to fondle my lower body. I suddenly felt a strange stimulating current between my legs hit my whole body.Her hands were very tender, but I didn't feel a lot of sensuality, and after the initial shock, I lost my sense of sexual enjoyment: the only thing I could feel was that my body was being violated.The thought made me lose all interest in the woman in front of me.So, I didn't get an erection, and I felt uncomfortable all over my body.

After a while, she stopped moving.She got up and took out a pink nightgown from the closet and put it on, then she leaned on the head of the bed and sat next to me.Not a word. "I'm just too tired, it's not your problem..." I wanted to break the awkward atmosphere. "How can I make you fall in love with me?" She sighed. "Don't be silly, aren't we all married already." I don't want to talk about that. "Don't lie to me. I know there is another person between us." Her tone was very calm. I didn't speak.I don't want to lie.The last time I lied I already lost a lot of things that meant a lot to me, and I don't want to lose more.

"Can you tell me about someone you love?" she asked me. I think it's obviously pointless to keep it a secret now.So I told the truth.I told her everything about me and Binbin.I told her I was gay—although not fully evolved.I also told her that Binbin was the only person I ever loved. She listened to my long story very attentively, and was silent for a long time.Finally, she sighed softly and said, "I didn't expect that I would lose to a man. In this case, why do you still marry me?" "It's good for everyone. Maybe, after we live together for a while, I'll fall in love with you." I felt the stupidity of it as soon as I said it, but obviously I couldn't take it back.

I saw her face trembling slightly.She took out a cigarette from my cigarette case and lit it slowly.I never saw her smoke. It took her a long time to finish that cigarette.After that, she stubbed out the cigarette butt in the ashtray and said coldly, "Let's break up." "Break up? We're both married!" I didn't expect her to say such a sentence. She smiled mockingly and said, "We have no registration at all, and we don't even need to go through divorce procedures." I am silent. She smiled, stroked my cheek with her hand, and said: "If you really love him, you should go to him. Only when you are with him can you be truly happy."

"But what do you do?" I asked. She lay on the bed, covered the quilt, and said softly: "Tomorrow I will disappear from your life, but let me sleep on this bed today. This is the first time in my life to get married, Let me sleep in my marital bed." After finishing speaking, she closed her eyes and stopped talking. I noticed two lines of clear tears flowed from the corners of her eyes. I stroked her hair.I am lucky to know such a nice girl, I said to myself. That night, the scenes from the acquaintance to the falling in love between Binbin and I kept flashing in my mind.After a long time, I also gradually fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, she was gone.The pillow she slept on was still warm.I stood up with a terrible headache.I searched the house and found that she didn't leave me a word or phrase, maybe she didn't want me to keep my memory of her. Soon I booked a plane ticket to London, then called my cousin and asked her to meet. When I told her I was going to fly to England to find Binbin, my cousin had an ecstatic look on her face.She almost jumped up, put her arms around my neck, and kissed me on the cheek. I was baffled by her aggressive behavior. "You're finally doing something right," she said. "I don't know if he will still like me, a divorced man." I said with self-deprecation. "That's not considered marriage at all." The cousin curled her lips disapprovingly. "Are you going back to Shanghai now?" I asked. Talking about this topic, most of the joy on my cousin's face disappeared immediately. "The plane next week." She said lightly. "Did he never know?" I asked. "I'll find time to tell him in the next few days." "Do you think he'll let you go?" I asked. "Maybe, maybe not. I'm really sad. I slept with him for more than two years, but I know almost nothing about him." The cousin's tone was bleak. "If Binbin and I can get back together, we will move to Shanghai to be with you." I held her hand and said. "Fool, find a way to deal with your own problems first." The cousin smiled. On a sunny afternoon three days later, my plane landed at the London airport.I held Binbin’s address in England from my cousin, and asked passers-by in broken English.I have never been abroad before, even now I am in the famous London, but I have no interest in this city, I just want to find Binbin as soon as possible. The process of asking for directions was long and painful, but I finally stumbled and found the house in the suburbs. Behind the wooden fence, a middle-aged woman with a kind face is watering the tulips in the nursery.Apparently she saw me too, and stood up, smiling at me. "Are you Chinese too? Are you here to find Binbin?" Her tone was equally friendly. I smiled and nodded. She opened the door for me and let me in. "He's upstairs in his room. I'll take you upstairs. It seems that my nephew is very popular, and friends always come to see him." She took me upstairs and knocked on the door of a guest room. Binbin opened the door and saw me.He was wearing a baggy ill-fitting shirt, his eyes were wide open, his lips were still as alluring as a demonic Satan's lover; his expression was frozen for a moment.At that moment we stood face to face, neither of us spoke. [One of] Bobby had sex with a neighbor's tomcat and was about to give birth.It wasn't until this time that I realized that Bobby was actually a female cat.For a long time, I judged his gender by the name "Bobby", thinking he was male.So when Bobby started to bloat and my aunt told me that Bobby was going to have a baby, I couldn't help but laugh.Bobby has all the characteristics that a male cat must have, but he does not have the tenderness of a mother.So I found that gender confusion not only exists in human society, but also very common in the animal kingdom.Bobby can live like a tomcat, but she can't overcome her own nature after all. After pregnancy, Bobby was gluttonous and lazy, and he stopped taking walks with me, so taking care of Bobby's daily life became my main job.I arrange meals for her strictly according to the regulations in the cat raising manual.So Bobby's body was very healthy during pregnancy, and his fur was smooth.When she put her head on my calf and acted like a baby, I can still see the nostalgia for the old life in her eyes. In Bobby's absence I had to get used to walking alone.On my walks, I can often see the English boy who kissed me in drama class.It seems that he also has the habit of taking a walk every evening.Every time he saw me from a distance, he would smile and wave to me, and run over to greet me.So I often go to the coffee shop with him to drink something.Since that incident happened last time, he never showed any kindness to me, but became completely polite.British men are hard to understand, even gay men. It was a real pleasure chatting with a well-bred, handsome boy from London.We learned about the differences and commonalities between the two cultures in our conversations with each other.When I was in China, I often found it difficult to communicate with others. However, in a foreign country, speaking a foreign language that is not very fluent, I experienced the joy of communication.This is a huge irony to me. Sometimes I think, maybe it is not correct to divide people into groups by nationality, and they should be divided by sexual orientation.Gays have a gay geographic community, lesbians have a lesbian geographic community, and everyone else who identifies as straight and the vastly ambiguous bisexual make up their community.Maybe then everyone in this world can experience the joy of communication, and in the process of communication, they don't have to worry about being despised or ridiculed by aliens. Finally, I talked to him about my only failed relationship. I told him about my devotion to this relationship and the feeling of heartbreak when facing betrayal.He listened intently, smiling and holding my hand from time to time.I actually cried afterwards - I've never shed tears in front of strangers.So he hugged my shoulder and said a lot of comforting words. At the end of the day I formally thanked him.Seriously, I think he and Bobby made the difference in England. Until one evening, he told me that this was our last walk, because he was leaving for the United States the next day to study for a master's degree.For some reason, I felt inexplicably sad at that moment.Everything was changing - Bobby was about to give birth, friends were leaving, and I was missing my old relationship more and more. When we parted that night, the British boy gently kissed my forehead and said that he liked me very much, but he still hoped that I could forgive my former lover.He said he could feel the longing in my heart for the old life, but I didn't realize it. "You have to understand that there is no difference between good and bad relationships between men and between men and women, and what kind of life each person wants to live can only be his own choice." He said to me. Not long after the blond boy left it was Bobbie's day of delivery.My aunt has set aside a separate storage room for Bobbi's production. We couldn't watch the delivery, but I could hear Bobby screaming.Giving birth is painful, and it is true for humans, but even more so for such a tiny animal.When I saw Bobby for the first time two days later, she looked haggard and languid, but her eyes were full of pride.She leaned against the side of the cardboard box, four kittens no bigger than fingers were sucking her milk, while Bobby licked the fluff of her children with infinite tenderness.Then I realized that the days of Bobby and I walking and playing together were over because she had new responsibilities.Just as love has responsibilities in my opinion, being a mother also has responsibilities.Although from her eyes I can see her nostalgia for the indulgence of her girlhood, but more of her love and nostalgia for her four children. Maybe it's time for me to leave England.And at this time, he came. Maybe it's because I always knew that one day he would come, maybe I was always looking forward to his arrival in my heart. In short, when he suddenly appeared outside my door, I was not too surprised, but I didn't know what to do. Say something nice. We have all changed so much over such a long time.His complexion is withered and yellow, his eye sockets are black, and he has lost a lot of weight. Compared with him, my life seems to be more comfortable. My aunt let him into my room and went to work on her affairs.The moment she closed the door to my room, we both cried.The two big men tried their best to control their voices, but they couldn't stop the tears from welling up in their eyes.So we hugged each other with our undulating chests pressed against each other, as if we wanted to shed all the tears in this life at once. After a long time, we all calmed down.I stood by the window and looked out the window.It was one of the rare sunny days in the London countryside.I can even hear the chirping of birds. "Is your married life still happy?" I asked. "I'm not married at all," he said. I couldn't believe my ears.I quickly turned around and asked him, "Not married? Why?" "Don't you know why?" He smiled wryly. "You're such an emotionless person. Do you think I'm touched by you doing this? I'll just sigh for another silly woman who's in love with you." "I love you, how could I marry someone else." He kept looking at me, as if he wanted to see through me. "Are you happy cheating on me?" I bit my lip. "I don't know if I'm happy lying to you, but I know I'm not happy without you." He looked me in the eyes. "You're having the sex life you've always dreamed of, why not be unhappy." My tone was full of sarcasm.But I can faintly feel that I am insincere. "I told you, I regret it, I regret it, but it has already happened, what can I do now." "You don't have to regret it, it's not your fault, you're just pursuing what you desire. Everything is my responsibility - I shamelessly seduced a man who could have lived a normal life. I'm a devil." "I am also a devil, and the job of a devil is to seduce others. A devil can also be seduced, but he can only fall in love with another devil," he said. "Of course you can say that to me now, but I'm doing fine. I have time to think, I'm in drama class, I have a cat who's my best friend, and you can marry any woman you like, and we both I have a good home. Why do you have to live that sinful life with me again." I dare not look into his eyes anymore, because I can feel my voice trembling. "The devil loves sin, and in the eyes of the devil, sin is not evil at all. Sin means fulfilling hugs and kisses, means meaningful orgasms, means many things that are important to the devil. The devil does not need Marriage, sin is the devil's marriage." He never said that. "Marriage is best for a guy like you. You're not straight gay like me - you can have sex with a woman so you can marry a wife and have kids and you don't have to have sex with a boy without being able to have sex with your family Live in harmony. Either way, it is wise to marry." My eyes went out of the window again. "Maybe you're right, I'm not a straight gay, I have desires for women, and I've slept with a woman once. But when I'm sober, I realize that sex without love, even if formally Normal means nothing to me. The pain it brings me far outweighs the pleasure it brings me. That's why I came to you - even though I have desires for women all over the world, But I fell in love with a man." I looked into his eyes and listened to his perhaps carefully prepared rhetoric, and I saw and heard sincerity.It was a sincerity that directly touched the softest part of my heart.So in the end I completely forgave the person in front of me—I walked up to him, hugged his head, and kissed him deeply.It was the longest and deepest kiss we've had since we met.In fact, maybe the idea of ​​forgiveness has long been in my heart, but I still hope that I can maintain some reserve of a compromiser. The moment I boarded the flight back home with him, I realized that he and I had completely fallen into our hell.There are raging fire and magma in this hell, and the lonely devils holding hands are living a life that angels despise, singing the poem of the great poet Rimbaud: Glaciers, silvery sun, pearly torrents, a sky of charcoal fire! Ugly shoals on brown bays, There are giant snakes eaten by bedbugs, Fell from crooked trees with a black fragrance! I was going to point out to the kids this blue torrent Giant snapper, goldfish and singing fish. Sprays of the waves sway my unrestrained voyage, The infinite breeze gave me volley wings. [4] Changes in things are often hidden, so that people cannot easily detect them.It is precisely because of this that many people like things that change.It can bring excitement to a peaceful life.Just like two years together, her intrusion was an important change in my life.Her existence made me experience the pleasure of cheating.The change came so suddenly that I didn't realize it when it was over. It all started on a glamorous evening.She called me early and asked me to go to her place after get off work.I admit that I spend more time with Shuhua during this period - no matter how important she is to me, Shuhua is my wife after all.And she's sexy and tender now.This matter has been bothering me: let her be my lover at the beginning, it can be attributed to my wife's frigidity, but now that I have the passion I dreamed of between me and Shu Hua, is it time to make a break? ? Whenever I think of this, my mind becomes very confused.Because I understand that breaking means giving up-no matter which one of the two of them is given up, it is not what I want.So I took what a typical Beijing man usually does: stop thinking like this.Let this messy problem be solved naturally in a muddle. Putting down her phone, I called Shu Hua and told her that I had a social event at night and I might not be able to go home.Shu Hua on the other end of the phone didn't say anything, he just smiled meaningfully and said that he should drink less and pay attention to his health.This is my wife—she's so generous no matter what time of day it is.Even when I was aware that she was aware of my behavior, even when she probably knew exactly where I was going at night, she maintained the grace of a good wife and mother. After get off work, I came to her place.I opened the door and found that she hadn't turned on the light.Candles of various colors are lit on the dining table in the center of the living room, and the room is filled with the scent of wax oil. A sumptuous dinner was laid on the table.She rarely prepares dinner for me, so this was a real surprise for me. The dinner she prepared for me was all western food, with pasta, curry sauce and lasagna. She smiled at me and said, "I know you don't like western food, but I can't cook Chinese food. I made these according to the recipe." I was baffled by her behavior.She took my briefcase and helped me take off my coat.Then she took off her apron.I saw that she was wearing a black backless evening dress, and her graceful lines were exquisitely outlined by the dress. She played a CD on her stereo, and WHAM's "careless whisper" blared in the room.She likes that music very much, but I haven't heard it for a long time. "Dance with me," she said to me.Then she put her left hand on my shoulder.So I smiled, put my arms around her waist, and started dancing with her.We danced very emotionally.She put her face on my shoulder and I could smell her breath in her hair.Her hair was long, very smooth and smelled of coconut shampoo.I suddenly remembered that a certain TV series once said that if a man is intoxicated by the smell of a woman's hair, it means that the man has fallen in love with that woman. She was getting closer and closer, and her plump breasts were pressed against mine so tightly that I was almost burned through by her warm body temperature.When the music ended, we hugged each other tightly.I kiss her neck deeply, her lips.I buried my head in her long hair, sniffing deeply the fragrance of her hair.She moaned indistinctly in her throat.I was aroused by her tease.I picked her up and threw her on the bed, and then I jumped on her.She crawled sideways from under my body and pushed me onto the bed.After that, she gently unbuttoned my shirt and began to caress my body.Her tongue gently slid over every inch of my skin.I closed my eyes, enjoying the intense pleasure from the flesh. Later, I entered her in a daze.She tried to open her legs to accommodate me.We were both jerking violently at the same time, and all I could hear was her moan and the pounding of our flesh.The entire universe seemed to shut down, listening only for the two of us to have sex.We kept changing our positions and shouting as we wanted.For a long time, as my orgasm came and ended, my body limply lay on top of her. Her body was covered with my hickey marks and tooth marks.Her face was flushed, and she still hadn't recovered from the strenuous exercise just now.It was the most enjoyable sex experience of my life.I was very tired and my eyes were half-closed.In the dimness, I suddenly saw a red ribbon tied around her neck, fiery red, almost exactly the same as the one on Shu Hua's neck, except that the color in front of me was brighter.My mind suddenly cleared up.How could she have a ribbon like that?Is it a coincidence? Not long after, she got up from the bed, took out a pink pajamas from the closet, and put them on.Then she patted me on the shoulder and said, "Go take a shower and then we'll have dinner." I didn't say anything, just nodded obediently.Now I feel that the whole passion of the night seems a little weird.Because everything that happened was not what I expected. After dinner, she blew out all the candles on the dining table, and then said to me: "I'm going back to Shanghai, and I'm leaving tomorrow." She is going back to Shanghai.I can't believe my ears.What happened tonight finally had an explanation: she was saying goodbye to me in her own way.I have a faint feeling of heart and lung tearing. "Why? Why?" I took her hand and kept asking. She took her hand out of mine, smiled lightly, and said, "There's no reason. I'm homesick. I can't stay in Beijing all the time. I have to go home sooner or later." "Then what should we do?" My first reaction was this sentence. "What do we do? You are you, I am me, there is no 'we' at all. Is everything going to be easy? You can go back to your wife, and now with her you can get what you want Everything I want. I have no reason to stay any longer." "Don't you want to marry me?" I asked. "I used to think about it, but I don't want to now. It was your mistake to be with me - your wife will always be a perfect woman in your heart. I don't want to live someone else's life forever." "Have you met Shu Hua? Did you find her or did she find you?" I am a smart person, and I finally understand what happened. She smiled again, touched my head, and said: "Fool, what does it matter who seeks whom? The three of us are not a heavyweight. She is a goddess in the sky, you are a mortal on earth, and I A devil in hell. A goddess can bow down to a mortal, and a devil should never have that luxury." After hearing her words, I was speechless.I'm a person who is very sensitive to words, but I still can't figure out what she means by this statement.All I know is that she won't change her mind.I will lose her forever.Thinking of this, my heart hurts like a knife. She brought me my clothes and bag, and said to me, "Go home, a man with a wife should not spend the night outside. You don't have to come see me off tomorrow, you never know when I'm leaving." I put on my clothes silently, then stood there and looked at her quietly.She kept smiling, I hugged her head and wanted to kiss her lips, but she pushed me away gently. "Be nice to your wife. She's a nice woman." It was already past 10 o'clock at night when she was driven out of her residence.There are very few vehicles on the street.I walked aimlessly along the sidewalk, filled with sadness.I don't know why I feel this way.I never thought losing her would cause me so much pain. In a daze, I walked back to Shuhua and I's home. I opened the door with the key and walked in.After I walked into our bedroom, I found that Shu Hua hadn't slept yet.She was leaning against the head of the bed quietly, thinking about something. "You're back," she said.The tone is very calm. I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to talk much, so I just nodded.Said: "I'm tired, go to bed early." She nodded.He took off his pajamas and put on a quilt.I saw the red ribbon around her neck again.So two red ribbons appeared alternately in front of my eyes, making me dizzy.But gradually, one of them became more and more clear, and the other became more and more blurred.Then I suddenly realized: there are some things that should be insignificant, but they may be the most important to me. "Shu Hua, let's get a divorce." I said. Shu Hua didn't show any surprise.She just sat up and brushed her hair back from her face.She said lightly, "You finally spoke." "Sorry... sorry..." I didn't know what to say. "Don't say sorry. You didn't do anything wrong." Her tone was very light. "Everything in the house is left to you, and..." "Do you love her? Tell the truth." She cut me off. "I love her. I just figured it out. I always thought I was still in love with you, but I don't know that things have changed and everything has changed. I'm sorry for you," I said. Shu Hua smiled, her smile was very bleak.She got up and put on her pajamas, and said, "Go to bed early. I'm going to sleep with my son. Tomorrow we will sign the divorce agreement." "You hate me. I'm not a good husband," I said. Shu Hua looked back at me and said, "Good night." After speaking, Shu Hua left our bedroom.After she left, I felt much calmer.I don't know why, but I feel like I'm doing the right thing.Her words were a little wrong.I was mortal, but she has turned me into a devil. So at that moment, my rational age came to an end.I will never let her leave me.This is my choice. [bis] After driving him out of my room, I put the quilt over my head and cried a lot.I don't know why I'm so sad - it was a most honorable ending and no one lost.He and his perfect wife can continue their family and I can escape this life of cheating that I hate so much. After crying for a long time, I started to pack my bags.I kept everything I bought while living in Beijing because I didn't want these bad memories to stick with me forever.I rummaged through the box and threw the things that belonged to Beijing on the bed.Until the end, I found that apart from the hundreds of CDs I brought and the MD player, nothing belonged to me.The huge stereo and all my jewelry are gifts from him, and those beautiful high heels—everything belongs to Beijing, not to me. After three o'clock at night, I finally packed all my luggage.A small suitcase, which contains my CD, Walkman, lipstick, underwear.That's all.I don't belong to this city, so I have to go as I come. After everything was tidied up, I took a long, hot bath in the bathroom.I dumped all the blue bath salts that were left on the vanity into the tub and it was foaming up too much.I dunked my body into the slippery water and closed my eyes.The steam in the bathroom made my brow sweat profusely. I found a pack of cigarettes on the shelf where the towels were kept.I know he forgot it because he likes to soak in the tub and smoke.I took the cigarette case, opened it, and found a single cigarette inside.So I put it in my mouth and lit it.Suddenly, a cyan halo appeared in front of me. I don't smoke, just suck it into my mouth and spit it out.Even so, the smell of the smoke choked me.But the taste of tobacco in my mouth made me feel very comfortable.That feeling is very similar to the feeling when kissing him.So I thought, after breaking up with the man I've lived with for over two years, what else can I remember about him other than our nicotine-flavored kiss. After smoking that cigarette, I knew it was over.I stood in the bathtub and rinsed the foam off my body with clean water, and put on the same clothes I wore when I came to Beijing.It used to be fashionable three years ago, but today it looks very rustic and feels uncomfortable to wear. After that, I went back to the living room and sat in front of the big mirror to paint my eyebrows.This is my daily routine, even when I'm leaving.I carefully shape my brows and outline them with a brow pencil.我天生的眉毛非常难看，所以我经常用眉刀把它们修得非常细，之后自己按照自己喜欢的样子画上去。这个工作每天要占据我大概一个小时的时间。尽管如此，我还是很乐意以这种方式改变我天生的容貌。 一切都准备停当后，天已经亮了。我订的机票是今天上午8点的，所以是时候动身了。我拎起我的唯一的箱子，把灯关好。之后我很仔细的把这间房子看了一遍，锁上门，走了出去。 北京已经是夏末秋初，早上已经有一些凉了。出门之后我叫了一辆出租车。坐在车里，我透过窗子看着北京的街道和建筑，就像三年以前我到北京的那天一样。不同的是，现在我眼中的一切都非常熟悉，看着这些熟悉的东西，想到或许我将和这个城市永别，我心里竟有些难过。 很快我就到了机场。距离飞机起飞还有一段时间，于是我决定在机场里的一家咖啡厅里吃点早餐。吃过之后，我便提着自己的行李去安检口进行安全检查。我正要给工作人员出示我的机票的时候，身后响起了一个我非常非常熟悉的声音。那声音原本充满磁性，可是现在听来却苍老无比。 “留下来，求求你。” It's him. 不知道为什么，我心里竟然有一种无比欣喜的感觉，眼泪马上就要涌上来。 我极力控制住自己的情绪，摆出一张微笑的脸，转过身。 我眼前的他头发蓬乱，眼睛血红。可是他的手里却捧着一大束火红的玫瑰，每一支都娇艳无比。 “你怎么知道我坐这班飞机走？”我问。 “我不知道，所以早上5点我就来到这里等你。”他说。 我不知道该说什么好。于是我接过他手中的玫瑰，说：“既然这样，谢谢你来送我。这花很漂亮……我要走了，你早点回去休息吧。” “不要走。”他竟然拽住我的手。 我用力想把他的手甩开，可是没有成功。于是我低声对他说：“把手放开，很多人在看着我们。” 他没有理会我，却仍然在说：“我不会让你离开我。” “我留下来干什么？继续做你的情人？我没多少时间和你玩了，你这个人怎么这么自私。”我大声说。周围的人开始窃窃私语。我一贯很讨厌这些无聊的看客，于是我转过身，对那些看热闹的人说：“你们知道个屁！” “留下来，嫁给我。我要娶你。”他仍然不急不缓的说。 他的这句话确是让我吃了一惊。我瞪大了眼睛看着他，说：“你说什么？你疯了吧？” 他却从西装的里怀掏出一个精致的小盒子。他把盒子打开，里面是一枚美得让人眩晕的钻戒。他拉过我的左手，把钻戒戴在我的无名指上。他的动作非常温柔。我无法相信自己看到的这一切，只是呆呆的站在那里任由他把戒指戴在了我的手上。 “你愿意嫁给我吗？”他握着我的手，轻声问。 “你什么时候买的这只戒指？”我感觉自己开始神志恍惚。 “在我想让你嫁给我的第一天。”他的声音非常温柔。 我迅速把戒指从我的手指上褪了下来，放回他的手里，说：“这太荒唐了。你不能这样做，你有老婆有孩子，我们不是一样的人……这是不道德的！”我语无伦次。 他说：“你必须嫁给我，因为你毁掉了我原有的一切……你让我不能再像以前那样生活，现在我们都是魔鬼了，寂寞的魔鬼，我们遵循的是魔鬼的道德。嫁给我是你的责任。我现在除了这枚戒指以外，已经什么都没有了。” 说完，他猛的抱住我，把嘴唇贴在我的嘴唇上，开始深深的吻我。他口中那淡淡的尼古丁的味道涌入我的口中，让我目眩神迷。我又想起昨夜我抽的那根烟，味道如此的相似。我的头脑开始昏昏沉沉的想，我究竟迷恋他的什么？难道仅仅是那熟悉的尼古丁的气味么？ 于是我拼命的推开他。我明白无论如何，一切都该结束了。我不能任由我的任性和欲望如此的摧毁一个男人。我看着他的脸，那张和我父亲相似的脸，看见他的苍老的双眼中的恳求的光芒，竟感觉自己的灵魂已经有些飘摇了。他的苍老，和纾华的典雅，在我的头脑中交织出现，让我无法承载那种闪烁的眩晕。这样的结束已经太迟，我也没有任何额外的权利再要求命运给我些什么。 我用手托起他的下巴，在他的嘴唇上吻了一吻，说：“再见了。”之后我决然的转过身，头也不回的朝候机楼走去。转身的一刹那，我的眼泪如同倾泄的雨水般流了下来，仿佛要将我的瘦弱的灵魂和身体都撕裂。身后传来他的声音，撕心裂肺的喊着我的名字，喊着毫无意义的“我爱你”，我却始终没有勇气再回头看他一眼，因为我不知道我是否可以抗拒他的哀求和蛊惑的眼神。既然事情一定要结束，我又何必对那些即将死亡的情感恋恋不舍呢？ 飞机起飞的一刹那，我的心情竟逐渐平复了。我从厚实的窗子看日光下的北京，发现原来割舍一些东西是很容易的。广袤的大地上密集的人群在不断的涌动，谁也不知道下一秒钟自己又会自以为爱上哪一个人。我在北京三年，就如同兰波所说的“地狱中一季”，经历了时间和空间的淘洗，无论是留恋还是憎恨，这段经历和情感都已经在我的灵魂中根深蒂固了。而在如今的世界里的那些纷扰的滥情和被解构得一塌糊涂的道德面前，我的这点悲伤又算得上什么呢？ 一个人是从哪里来的，原本就应该回到哪里去的。 [全文完]