Chapter 6 12-13

Notes of a Desolate Man - Author: Zhu Tianwen _12_ I have witnessed the street of traffic that I have been looking at forever. After a few years, my stomach will be cut open, the railway will be underground and the MRT will be turned up, and the sky will be covered by sandstorms.The citizens cover their eyes and noses in it, and they are not good at walking, and they are enduring every day for the blueprint of the future. The car passes through the labyrinth of trails that are arbitrarily surrounded by iron walls or roadblocks. At night, the warning lights flash closely on the way.I don’t have a car, and I don’t have a taxi willing to pick me up. I took the bus and stood next to the driver’s seat. I watched the bus go straight into the labyrinth area from a high position. The red light bulbs on the ground, the hexagrams of heaven and earth, seemed to me to be walking through seventy-seven or forty years. Nine prayer arrays.

I and the MRT subway that the public thinks, expect that one day most of the transportation volume on the road will go underground, let’s just believe that it is true to live together.Until we realized that the ugly concrete python that inexplicably crossed our heads and occupied the sunlight turned out to be the MRT system. Sure enough, we were deceived again.I was really sad and angry, and I murmured like a madman and a philosopher, why? !Why? !Why? !Under the sandstorm sky, the lonely minister opened the psalm and read, "We once sat by the river in Babylon, and wept when we thought of Zion."

I no longer argue, I only care about closing the windows and covering them with curtains, but there is still a thick layer of dust that cannot be wiped away every day.My great comfort is to live with words in a room that has been wiped clean. (Two dots of water + teeth) Yu Liao, what a novel combination of words, is the Japanese name of City Hunter Meng Bo.The text is so mysterious and told me that Chanel insisted on using six to eight pieces for tailoring, which is different from the usual one or two pieces for the back. This feature is used by experts to identify the authenticity of Chanel.Chanel believes that people's actions start from the back, and only the fine back tailoring can make the wearer show his style.As for the charm of the stripe magic color, the text says that it was inspired by the rainbow at the equator, where the rainbow is straight.Also, in the summer of 1918, when Chanel returned home from vacation, she brought back a shocking and popular souvenir, a bronze complexion.

Ah I can only make the house the way I want it, my little mosque.So little is needed to create a community of people in India, says Stroh.Life at the handkerchief level, a square drawn on the ground is a place of worship, and a kneeling rug for prayers represents the entire civilization.In order to survive, each person must maintain a very strong personal relationship with the supernatural.Yes supernatural, the citizens in the sandstorm each have a supernatural. My supernatural, text, text.Marshmallow, coltsfoot, bitter tea, chrysanthemum, sagebrush, horsetail, labdanum, xijinzhucao, hubu hops, myrrh, grass root, framing tree incense, benzoin.There are also galls. Lean bees lay eggs on the leaves of Moser trees. After the larvae hatch, they parasitize the leaves. The leaves produce galls, that is, galls, which can produce tannic acid.And caper buds, caper buds, dipped in vinegar for seasoning, served with smoked salmon.

I was obsessed with it, in a trance.So someone built the Lingyun Trading Building. The white enamel panels were imported from Kawasaki Steel, with silver-blue reflective heat-controlled glass, and the cost was twice as high as that of granite and curtain walls.The skyscraper skyline, south of Xinyi Road and Dunhua South Road, is a flight zone where Arctic Ocean migratory birds have to take a leap when passing through Taipei.People in that building, when looking down, saw nothing, only a piece of yellow sandstorm that the sun can hardly penetrate. I pushed aside the heavy dust and looked back. We walked side by side on the overpass in the street of traffic.

With some friends who took VIP tickets to watch free movies, we ate porridge and side dishes after the show.We have met many times and love each other in our hearts, but no one crosses over first.Tonight, I just can't take my eyes off his face? And he, responds to me.I invited him to my rented place, and he said yes.But suddenly he didn't leave, and stood by the railing, watching the traffic flow under the bridge. I snuggled up to him, sniffing the scent of pine, tobacco, and sandalwood on his body.I've seen him in broad daylight, talked to him, A whole person approached me and knocked on the door of my heart.I felt locked in the door, a piece of soft flesh with no defenses, pulsating, ready to respond to inquiries from outside the door.The soft flesh is so fragile that it will crack and hurt even if it is touched.It was him who made me discover this piece of soft flesh in my body.All the scraps of gold I've leached in the night don't add up to this one.

I cherish this existence too much, and I am afraid that once I open the door, it will turn into blood and disappear.For quite a long time, I carried it to and fro in my bosom, hidden from view.It makes me a susceptible body, with eyes, ears, nose, tongue and body fully erected to absorb everything in my environment.All dharmas return to me in a subtle way. I am really clear-eyed.In the world I have seen and heard, the autumn dew is like a bead, the autumn moon is like a gui, the bright moon is white and the dew is white, and time and time come and go. At any time, as long as I rein in the stiff rope to make the wild horse of consciousness stop for a while, and stare at the person in memory, my waist will melt from the waist down, and I will be soft and paralyzed for a while.Just thinking about him is enough to make me feel like Chao Dian.

When he grew bigger and filled my chest, I had a different plan.I don't want a one-night stand, I want it to be longer, or even longer.I want, the business is not in love.I'm going to complicate our relationship, twist him into the web of my life, tangle it.Yes, there are two kinds of love, I want to increase my weight on this side of the scale, even if the sexual relationship is gone, we still have other relationships. I approached him like walking on thin ice.I understand that what Yong Ju described to me is that Davis's small horn sound is walking on the eggshell.I am not rash, just like the scriptures say, don't be alarmed, don't wake up the one I love, wait for him to choose.

He never wears a watch, has childish single eyelids, and a set of cameras hanging on his chest has become a part of his body, his viewer.He watched the traffic for a long time, as if he was thinking about how to take back his promise and politely decline my invitation, which he was too reluctant to give up. I am not in a hurry, just wait quietly.I was amazed at my generosity. He said it.He said, I don't want to endure the loneliness after separation tomorrow? My heart trembled violently, and I clenched his hand as cold as ginger.My trembling was conveyed to him, and I looked into his eyes and looked at each other squarely.I couldn't help but kiss the scorching light in his eyes to the light in his eyes, he accepted it, trembled, and let out a short cry of pain as if he was dying.I said, are you afraid?

He seemed to be dying, as if he was choking on water, and said in a voice, no, I am not afraid. That's it, synchronized. When we were not very clear about our respective vicissitudes, we came to a crossroads and bumped into each other.Too likely it was a dream, we held our hands together and crossed our fingers, trying to keep going as if we wanted to prolong the dream.He didn't even want to say a word, he walked up and down in a hot mess.The eyes glued together, he always couldn't bear it first, closed his eyes and looked up to the sky, exhaled, and slanted his hands to cover his chest with a severely injured appearance, dying actor.He has no dance training, but his body is full of music.From then on, when I saw him walking towards me, he would often make this movement, as if he was giving up his sincerity, as if he was holding his heart lightly for fear of shaking.Yes, when you love someone, you can clearly know that the heart is there, cracked, heavy, and will fall out, so you can hold it steady.In the future, I will also witness one person like this, Ah Yao.At that time, there were bruises and bruises on the lymphatic lines under his armpit, and he subconsciously covered them with his hands, as if he was holding a heart, a ray of soul.

We kept walking, and we didn't feel tired from the long journey, so we walked back home. We are like this, the sensitivity is too high, the ignition point is too low, just kissing and touching will reach it.I am secretly surprised, how long, I am the same as the unwritten taboo of prostitutes, everything can be done except kissing.To them, this is a violation. Selling the body also sells the soul? !For me, it's nauseous, boring, barren. But now, the fragrance of reincarnation is incredible.We return to the simple environment of the first love boy, soft and plump, juicy and watery.Shanying has never been touched lightly, it will come out immediately after touching it, and it can't last long.We are both ashamed and happy.So there is no gimmick or technique of any kind, no elaborate fondling ritual that eventually wears out the body.We honestly act like two nuts rolling and hugging each other, smelling and touching each other, fermenting and brewing an ethereal smell, marsh heat, dense, and we both faint in it.Otherwise, just lie face to face, don't speak, and giggle endlessly. Look at the sky and see the colorful western moon, and listen to the world's silent tide in the South China Sea.When I was still sleepy, Yong Ju got up to look at me, and drew many pictures of me sleeping, waving word clouds, past, or fleeting, or coming... To Byzantium, to erotic utopia. Navigate to the riverside road, in the abyss of time precipitation.Silkworms and yufu, how at a loss was the founding of the country, you are 48,000 years old. The son said on the river, the dead are like husbands! I remember? Yongju had to leave for now.He had to go to the printing factory to look at the color samples of the cover, and it was nearly dusk after delaying and delaying.I followed him downstairs, and walked out the door on the pretext of throwing garbage bags.Residents on both sides of the road, with braziers burning in front of the door, rolled paper to symbolize sparks.He walked into the smoke, I was so sad and called his name aloud. He turned around and walked backwards, Yingying Peter Pan. I shouted, go with you. He pressed his fingers to his lips, kissed me, and continued to back away, like a dancer taking a curtain call, until the turn disappeared. The fragrance of reincarnation, SAMSARA, starts with lemon, introduces jasmine, violet, iris, narcissus, ylang-ylang, and rose, and finally ends with vanilla, tonka bean, and sandalwood.I ran upstairs, grabbed the copper ticket in my wallet, and went straight to chase him.When I ran to the end of the road, I saw him stepping on the bus. I didn't call him, and watched him get into the bus.He'll change trains at the second stop down at Grand Cross Road, and I know the printing house. I'll wait, when a car arrives, I'll catch it, and change at the second stop.I got out of the car and walked forward before I reached the stop sign. The car he changed was coming. I stood still, hiding beside a kapok tree trunk, watching him look like a white lotus flowing across the bank by the car window.But I still walked to the stop sign, thinking that if the bus did not come on the count of fifty, I would not go to the printing factory. The car didn't come, I walked slowly on the red brick road home, the dusk was darkened by the wind, and the night was lit up with lights. At that time, I was already used to taxis, but Yongju, with his financial resources, he only took them in a hurry.He was really reserved and refused to use my money.I'm desocialized enough, he's more than me, he doesn't even wear a watch. I invited him to Beibei's party, and when Beibei asked me out, we asked him out together.Sometimes, Beibei and I recalled some childhood events for him.Beibei talks about my sister, I talk about me and my sister, and it always comes back to A Yao.Sometimes he and Beibei dislike people and fight with each other.Not like me, who will always be Beibei's chorus and beautifier.If Beibei went to the bathroom or answered the phone, he and I would take advantage of the gap to open the floodgates, entangled each other with the light in our eyes until we got excited, and when Beibei came back to sit down, we could hardly disappear. I asked Beibei to take her boyfriend out for dinner, but she just said, Lao Zhang is very practical, not our kind. Yongju said, it doesn't matter, we will influence him. Beibei said, don't!Never!After all, he is my boyfriend. The two of them laughed, but I didn't think it was funny because I was embarrassed, so they laughed even more.I'm so sad, could it be that we are destined to be Beibei's Dongting Lake and Poyang Lake, which has the function of regulating the rise and fall of the Yangtze River's water volume. Our unsocialization merely provided her, a social being, with an opening, a safety valve.She comes to our side to let loose, fill up and go back there.We played the role of shaman, so we must pay a certain price for leaking the secret, blind, deaf, dumb, widowed and lonely.I have accepted this fate and don't complain, and am willing to practice altruism, but Beibei doesn't introduce us to her boyfriend, I can't help but feel the bleak end of the tool. Look how wild she is.We and she are both opposed to what Li Moumou wants to create a Taipei landmark comparable to the Empire State Building, but she must raise her tone to phallic worship, which makes me frown frequently.Of course, I forgive her for being a folk amateur, but it is quite different from those. One penis symbolizes another school. She said that men all have an irresistible habit of writing inscriptions, engraved on stones, inscribed into copper, and leave their names for the death of the tiger.Men's ambition and eloquence, that's what they can't ignore. She accompanied her father to visit relatives, and walked 20 miles back by Hongze Lake.The old man taught her to distinguish between poplars and willows. Willows are different, and the two plants are turning green.The imported unmodified Toyota minibus, the driver's seat is on the right, and the car came in the opposite direction many times, and the illusion was about to crash and kill him.Glancing past the bay where the fishing boats are moored, there is a stele erected with big characters inscribed saying, Mao Zedong must repair the Huaihe River.Both the in-laws and the driver said that it was written in the early 1950s when the mind was still clear, and the writing was not bad.She said that it was not as good as Wu Zetian in the Qianling Mausoleum. I remember, the three of them went to Aodi to eat black hair, and Beibei drove her Ximei car.After eating, walk around the port and see Guishan Island in the distance.A long time ago, as long as in a previous life, the reefs and islands that A Yao and I have looked at together, looking at us now, are completely different.Yong Ju was leaning on the hulk, I suddenly turned my head and met his dark eyes, as if he followed me in the shadow of a certain time, reading my past.And I felt that Beibei looked at Yongju and me from a distance for the first time, the unfamiliar eyes, then I saw it.These three ex-midlife crisis men by the sea, I think of Goethe's poems, we young people, sitting in the cool breeze in the afternoon... I also took Yongju to my sister's house. My younger sister deeply remembered A Yao's warmth towards her, so she had a strange hostility towards Yong Ju's involvement in my life. Usually my younger sister greets guests too enthusiastically, drinking and eating all the time to cover up her shyness and nervousness, which has always been the case.When no one is aware of her existence, she calms down, scrutinizing the movement of the house with her small, bright squirrel-like eyes, demand and immediate supply, without fear of shortage.She was so busy that she still held the Mona Lisa in her mouth and sat in the most inconspicuous corner with a smile, and always slanted towards the guests, as if she wanted to hide herself. Yong Ju wanted to curry favor with her, and praised her, did these pillows made of collage fabrics have been made by themselves? The younger sister seemed to be living in an empty mountain. She was startled when someone called her name, her face flushed, and she simply ignored her, looking at me and throwing all the coping tasks at me.I've already told Yongju about my sister's excellent craftsmanship, so I'll say it again.The younger sister was angry that Yongju suddenly lifted her from the edge of being unknown and free, and put her in the focus of attention.She left the scene of the topic and went to the back of the house to grope for a while.After a long time, when he came out to add tea, his face was still flushed, and the whites of his eyes were also red, it was hard to forgive Yong Ju's reckless intrusion. Her little mosque, beyond the threshold, is clustered with the sex industry regardless of the residential area.She tried her best to plant green climbing plants on the balcony to block the evil world.The carved curtains she made cut open the outer layer of broken daisy printed fabric, and a layer of white lace gauze inside, hazy daylight.A house of DIY, her skillful arrangement, showing the British country style after being remade in Japan.She has kept all her collections since she was a young girl. Just the stack of greeting cards that A Yao sent her every year, and the many small souvenirs that A Yao collected for her from traveling around the world will be packed into a bag and entrusted to me.The younger sister framed all the embossed bookmarks that A Yao had given, and nailed them to the wall above the shoe box, three or five of which were arranged in good order.There is also a poem by A Yao quoted from Pushkin in the greeting card, don't say that the roses have withered, but show us that the lilies are blooming.I once secretly snatched back four toffees from A Yao’s house for my sister, and wrapped them in cellophane, golden yellow, wine red, sapphire blue, and malachite green, with silver tinfoil inside, and when peeled off, it was light pink or creamy white sugar.Of course my younger sister wouldn't eat them, so I enjoyed them until they were damp and sticky. After eating, I washed them with cellophane and dried them, and put them in the textbook.They were once the richest color in our house, the brilliant treasures that my sister and I saw after Ali Baba in our fantasy shouted Zhima to open the door. My younger sister followed me to A Yao's house, and she always stood in my shadow, hoping that no one would find her.She looked at her mother's room. On the tatami was a makeup stand, a porcelain vase of white camellia, and a small swivel sofa, all of which she had never seen before.Mom adjusted her makeup in the mirror and called her over.She didn't back down, boarded the tatami and walked straight to her mother.Mom painted her mouth with lipstick, held it in front of the mirror to look at it, and smiled and said it was cute, yes, cute.That day, my sister held her lips and refused to eat, so she kept it and went home, watching it melt away with great melancholy. Mom wears makeup all her life.Her makeup, when I saw her when I was young, was the same in the past and the present when A Yao died.The makeup that seems to be able to eat up thousands of emotions in the world has become a Noh mask, just a symbol. I don't know if there are emotions or desires underneath. After A Yao left the country and never returned, the mother's only bond in the family was broken.We have never seen Ayao's father except for the posthumous photos. The only traces of him left behind are a violin, a case of classical music records from Columbia, a half-plaster nude of Venus, and a book of charcoal drawings of a man wearing a navy collar. Mom in uniform, profile, front, three-quarter face, head down with defined hair parting.He went to Kyoto before the war to study literature, but was unable to return after the outbreak of the Pacific War. After the war, he brought back a Japanese wife, as well as tuberculosis, a disease that has been extremely romanticized by writers since the eighteenth century. Mother then returned home. A Yao wrote to tell me that my mother will return to Tokyo to inherit the inheritance. If I have time, I might as well call Wuji's old mother and say good -? bye. In my grave years, I don't even remember this letter.I can't remember when my sister graduated, got a job, got a boyfriend, when she grew up.I don't even remember that my father, who has been in the sea for many years, was hospitalized after retiring from the military. When I went to the hospital, he was in the terminal stage of stomach cancer, and tubes were inserted into the holes all over his body.When he occasionally goes home at night, the shadow enlarged by the light bulb shrinks into a bunch of firewood.After the funeral, I got a five-day leave to go back north, but most of the time I walked a long and long way on the street, and I would go downstairs to Jie's building, standing there for a long time.The death of my father is certainly no bigger than my broken love.When I vaguely think of my mother, I seem to be evading debts and want to forget about it, but there is always a humble summer insect saying in my stomach, pick up the phone and dial, maybe my mother hasn't left yet. The annoying sound of little insects must not make me peaceful.Finally, in those desolate evenings when I searched through the phone book, I dialed A Yao's home number. There were two numbers in his home, and I never called the one for the clinic.I said to find Aunt Huang, who was a classmate of Huang Shuyao.If you don’t understand, I will repeat it in my broken Taiwanese.Sure enough, my mother has returned to Japan. Ah, mother has a delicate fragrance and a tatami room with white camellias.A long time later, I heard a ballad at my mother's house in Tokyo, singing the story of Crane's Wife.Crane married a man in order to repay his kindness, and took the gift of feather weaving as a token. The gorgeousness and beauty alarmed the neighbors, and instigated the man to make his wife weave again.The wife tries her best to weave, but no one is allowed to watch while weaving.The wife wove a few more, but gradually lost weight.The man peeped at her, and saw that it was a white crane weaving its own feathers into the cloth.However, it was too late, the crane had already spotted the man.Feather exhausted, the crane rushed up to the sky with a sharp cry, and disappeared without a trace. My sister called me. She said that A Yao's mother left early last month. She saw A Yao's letter, so she called to say goodbye to her mother. I sat in the dark and stared at my sister in amazement. She heard me talking to A Yao's house, she came out of the room to tell the situation, and then went in after speaking.She must have seen through me, she knew my true identity, what I did, and everything! I was ashamed to realize that when she had grown straight hair that reached her waist!I have forgotten for so long that I have this sister, will she resent me?We used to live together like that.But on the rough road, somehow, I gave up on her. When we were young and had no food, we were entrusted to eat at Mother Chen's house across the street.My mother went to the school police station for my brother every three days, and my sister graduated from Zhengzhan and was in a Kang band. The disputes in their adult world were too hectic, so my sister and I, who came to Taiwan, were able to self-govern. In the corner of the Chen family’s slippery stone-floored living room, we watched piles of Southern China movies.Shaw Brothers superstars gather, we and Baohua Baoli Baoyin sisters each have their own masters, arguing endlessly every day, and even secretly painted the beautiful jade photos of their masters into cross-eyed or mustaches, so that Sanbao sisters will not let us enter its house.But we are very sure that as long as Brother Chen brings a new issue home, they will be so excited that they will drag us to watch it again.They played Lin Dai's Xu Ji and Diao Chan with sheets and towels, and they also needed me to be a king in a chair for them to sing and dance.Paulie said to the sheet of my bathrobe, which seemed to be stretched open as if I stretched my wings, "My lord, look."She wants to be a king.I have to answer, yes!it is good!She fell at my feet and passed out.I had to look up and laugh, and my sister and Bao Qian ran out, picked her up and carried her into the room. Bao Li also played Li Jing, a mermaid who rolled onto the millstone floor, and the carp spirit turned into a human.The younger sister has always been playing the role of Avalokitesvara with cups and oleander leaves, and constantly sprinkled water on the fish essence, but the younger sister gradually doesn't like to play with these things.Instead, I use the peeled autumn awn tassels as a whisk, and cast a spell on Baoli.Paulie's legs twisted her fish tail and rolled straight, this end, that end, and then back again, making a painful sound very realistically, and asked me to cast a spell to help her.I swept her with a whisk, and she encouraged me into the play with great expression.She writhed non-stop, her face twisted and sweating, which made me nervous and nervous. I blushed and ran away from Chen's house, wondering if my sister and the others were still in the house just now, and they disappeared in a blink of an eye? It was broad daylight outside the house, and there was no one there. On the concrete floor, the chalk paintings of hopscotch and gem grabbing, and the red tile paintings of passing five levels and killing six generals, with horizontal and vertical lines shining brightly all over the place. When I went home, it turned out that my sister came back first. She was helping the paper dolls to make clothes. After tracing the shape of the clothes, she took them to the screen door and used a crayon to gently spread them evenly, printing out concave and convex shades of yarn grids, new fabrics and new designs.She experimented with various printing effects, such as straw mats, nylon sofa surfaces, rattan chairs, steamers, rugged walls, vegetable baskets, plant leaves, and fly swatters.Soon she developed into a notebook, which contained many patterns. I once saw her squatting in front of Chen's house and rubbing the tire pattern of a new bicycle. We ended a period game so unknowingly.After school, I took a shortcut and walked into the narrow alley. When Baoli came to meet me, I couldn't avoid asking her.There are wild stars in her eyes jumping at me, making me suffocate and hard to breathe every time.I tried my best to compress myself into a piece of human skin and stick it on the wall of the alley to let her pass. Her surging body odor and blood passed by like a flood, dragging away the soil foundation under my feet.She passed, and I sank and drowned for a brief moment before surfacing to recover my breath. So I don't know why, Sister Baoli and I have divided the border, we don't know each other on the road, and we don't know each other when we meet.Men's side, women's side, holidays, empty and no one to play with. But I didn't join the group of big boys smoking at the entrance of the village, nor the group on the basketball court.On the second day of junior high school, I was in the same class as A Yao, and he asked me to watch a movie.I started watching westerns from him.Must-see every movie, collect pictures and posters, and Ah Yao buys Friends of Movies and SCREEN every issue.Alandron's first film, Weak Woman, we watched five times just to see him.There is an episode in which Paul Anka sang DI A NA. When I hummed A Yao while he was sick, he was in tears. My sister watched Broken Blue Bridge with us and fell in love with Vivien Leigh.She collected stills of Vivien Leigh, printed in black and white, and hung a bunch of them on the news stand under the arcade in Ximending.If I see what she lacks, I will buy it for her.It was the first time for her to eat western food, and A Yao invited her to Meierlian.On a white porcelain plate, there are pearls and jade grains smoking rice, and beside it is a silver lacquered bowl like Aladdin's magic lamp, which contains curry chicken as bright as gold nuggets, and is eaten with rice.The younger sister is very cautious, polite, and almost pretentious, enjoying the Thousand and One Nights.After returning home, she often eats on a plate. She mixes boiled water with dry ration biscuits, ginger candy, and orange powder from the national army, and sets a table for eating. The pretentious attitude she once showed in A Yao's house also meant that she would never be stage frightened by the deep atmosphere of such a big family.She bravely accepted her mother's application of lipstick—you know, our mother never seemed to use lipstick, and our family didn't have a dressing table at all.As for my sister, as I remember her, she always moves on tiptoe in the short distance between the wardrobe and the chest of drawers, trying to put all the dressed figures into the mirror of the clothes inspection carefully, and then hold her head up. Jiu Jiu rushed out, and the clothes, belts, and slippers she had changed were scattered around the room, one pile to the east, another pile to the west.And, the bright red color of a toilet that I forgot to flush made me run away in horror. The younger sister had only been to A Yao's house once, and went through the back door.I've never walked past his house, which is only for patients and guests.The three-storey building, the main entrance is rebuilt with face bricks, washed stones and cast iron bars, which is close to the simplified horizontal lines of modernism.The back door is still in the style of a Western-style building, with clear water red bricks, green-glazed vase-shaped railings, arched window openings, and flower gauze curtains on both sides of the window lattice.The building is adjacent to the neighborhood, very narrow and long, with front and back alleys, three entrances, and two patios for lighting. We walked through the kitchen patio with a large stove, and waited for A Yao in the dining room of Erjin, staring blankly at the god and the scarlet ever-burning lamp carried on the altar, which was never seen in any family in our village.The dining table is stacked with new medicines and calendars sent by the pharmaceutical factory, and the smell is so spicy.A Yao immediately came down and took us up to the second floor. Once we entered the living room, there was a bright and bright scroll book hanging with Song He He. A Yao lived on the third floor with his mother and cousins.Looking down from the window of my mother's tatami building, the small courtyard at the back door is planted with Michelia, camellia, pile flowers, cherry blossoms, and perilla.A Yao slept in his mother's room until the summer vacation when he was admitted to high school, when boys and girls moved a lot, he shared a room with his cousin.But he is still used to his mother's room, sitting on the tatami and playing the guitar all afternoon.When I came to find him, my mother said he was upstairs, so I went upstairs and followed the sound of the guitar.He insisted on dressing me up, and put his two favorite possessions, a pure white turtleneck sweater and a leather jacket, on me and pushed them in front of the mirror for a reward. Slumped on the couch, he asked me why Qin didn't dare to wear an undershirt in physical education class.I don't know, although I feel that he cares too much about Qin.He said it was because Qin's armpits had grown hair. He was lying on the table with his arms under his head. I thought he was asleep, and he was crying. I was going to A Yao's house by bicycle, and I wanted to take my sister with me. She seemed to be yearning for the sheer curtains on the windows.The casual households in our village know what the restaurant eats for dinner from the window.I invite my sister to go with me. My sister said that I have to do my homework and stop going. Yes sister will not go again. Later, she actually called her mother to say goodbye.Knowing that I was lazy and uneducated, she carried out A Yao's orders on my behalf. She didn't want my mother to see us as barbarians.What a worry, Aochi's sister! The sister who is so difficult to deal with.Yongju said, well, your sister doesn't like me. I said, okay, she was like this. Yongju and I are planning to build our spider nest city.Extend the spitting out crystal white threads one by one to each other's past, bind those fragments of memory floating in the waste of time, knot them to remember, cross them into threads, and weave them into a net.Indeed, ancestors are as important as the living, and there is a place for the undead and the living. We don't make any publicity at all, and secretly stick our nests in the gaps in the social forest, diligently ku1ku1 (stone + begging), wandering between exposure and unexposure.We are self-defeating, humbly humming prayers like a popular song, "I don't want much, I really don't want much." Hope our obedience, smallness, harmless, even jesters will do , as long as we can win the favor of fate and reward us with a longer contract.If you have seen through but not seen through, you can say it but you can't say it. We don't want to be known to the princes, but we hope to live in the ordinary world. So A Yao, his aggressiveness and resentment really frightened us.In my opinion, he is simply Xing Tian in the battle between Hong Gu and Huang Di.When the Yellow Emperor severed his head, Xing Tian used his breasts as his eyes and his navel as his mouth, and danced and danced.We blindfolded, afraid to look.Turn your back, leave coldly, don't want to know the ending. Falling in love makes us so timid, and it will only become more and more timid.There used to be one life, but now there are two, burdening the other life, old age, sickness and death, we should know what it is like not to be free.To such an extent that I am not free, I will take a detour to avoid the bottom of the MRT python, lest the concrete blocks above may collapse at any time and kill me.Unspeakable neuroticism, life-saving, avoiding disasters, avoiding dangers, all in the hope of prolonging life in order to love each other. I therefore feel that life and death are the same face, which hangs its head a little higher in front of me. Usually, it is there, when crossing the road, when taking the elevator, when writing at this moment.Not a scary face, even a faint smile.It's close to, if there is a Noh mask hanging on the wall, if you look up at it, and it is facing me, that kind of feeling, that's it.If it is more vivid, it is a picture of an Indian goddess, with four hands outstretched, two of which are made of a sword and a human head, and two of which are stretched out to make a blessing and protection.I am in her presence, and this is how I am with her.Therefore, death is not the god of death, the god of death in the seventh seal who wears a hooded black robe and plays chess with the knight.But leaning down towards me, Sheng. The ancient Greeks said that you can never put your feet in the same river twice. Yes, solemn robbery, virtuous robbery, and star constellation robbery. The past is the past and the past is the past. _13_ The mountains and rivers are picturesque, and the sea of ​​clouds was green in ancient times. Algae leaves rose up from the visible bottom of the sea, a large piece, a large piece, violently fluttering under my chest, like countless undead or living beings stretching out their welcome gestures to pull me over.Yong Ju was swimming by the side with the life buoy on my body. From the diving goggles, I saw his legs sometimes swinging like fish, and sometimes stepping vertically.If he is here, I am not afraid.He took me to the depths to get to the warning line, and let me see different fish.I close my mouth to the breathing port, and the tube sticks out of the water.The bottom of the sea gradually moved away from me, and I couldn't see it, and the algae thickened more and more fiercely, so I handed over my life to Yongju.His voice above me said, don't be afraid, the shore is near.I saw a group of fresh yellow flat fish, really like pickled radish slices in a child's bento box, and flashing crystal blue fish.I saw Yongju's strong waist and feet in the water, and I couldn't believe it belonged to me.Take my Jian1Jian1(fish + cum) forward, and suddenly I came to a piece of bright water, where a group of small fish scattered like silver flakes, and then gathered again.Yongju let go of me a little, swam under me, and smiled at me from the frog mirror.I was a little nervous, my head was out of the water, and I had returned to the shore.I think of Suzhan Wuzun, who rebelled against his sister to build the country of Izumo. He was the first singer in Japan. The song said, "The colorful clouds in the sky, the clouds shine down on my city, my wife, and I Live here with her." The most glorious moment of my life.On the shore, my younger sister and his family are taking a nap and eating snacks, and in the sea I am playing with Yongju.The ideal country that we worked so hard to create, the picture of eternal life. Ocean Park, we have brought two children to play, it was too exciting, so the whole family came to play.My sister doesn't go into the water, she probably has menstruation.Yong Ju politely gave up his tight pair of swimming triangles and changed into honest squares.He carefully brought all the diving goggles, life jackets and rings, and sunscreen for adults and children.He took the trouble to lead the children to watch fish in the shallow bay and teach them to hold their breath.My brother-in-law ran on both sides of shallow bay and deep bay, and I was mostly with my sister.She will tell my brother the news, and my mother lives with my brother's family.I looked at the slanting shadow of the earth and sighed.It is always the same sun that sets in the west... Lucky times, I always feel impermanent. We pass through cities where skyscrapers create hurricanes that slash valley floors.Overhead the sky splits into strips and angles like a circus pitching a tent, beating and drumming as the hurricane blows us away.God, we are both still alive, no disease, no disaster, no HIV infection.We should make good use of the rest of our lives, make less love, and let the grace be passed on to others──The last saint's vision, ambition? We need order because we are the transgressors. Fellini said, in order to go beyond the rules, I need a very strict order.There are many taboos at my every step, codes of ethics, rituals, carols guarding me. So we arrived in Rimini.In winter, Rimini doesn't exist.In the winter of Rimini, when the fog of Armacodri swept through all sights, the square was gone, the town hall was gone, and the temple of Malatesta was gone.In summer, the shadow of Emmanuel Theater is cut in two across Carver Square, and in winter, it is swallowed up by fog.Fellini was on his way to school. Suddenly, a bull's head appeared in front of his face. The bull was also very surprised and looked at him with wide eyes. We pass the super high-rise building at Shinjuku West Exit.The continuous clusters, blocks, and cities, a piece of window panes like a cave of thousands of Buddhas, make us feel like walking through the Valley of the Kings on the left bank of the Nile River, looking at countless tombs and holes on the mountainside.So during the lunch break, crowds of diners flowed out from various exits, pushing one by one on the bridge that connects the air to the land. Men are all in suits and ties, and women are in skirt suits. We seem to have broken into a future space base, or Orwell’s. Nineteen eighty-four. Our train drove into the vast ocean, with buoys and piles scattered far and near, it was a narrow road on the water, with no shore in front and no end in back, maybe the railway would be submerged when the tide rose slightly, and entered Venice in this way.As soon as we turned our heads, the steeple of the ninety-nine-meter bell tower was running in the clouds, and the clouds were running so fast that the bell tower was on the verge of falling.We thought that in Delphite, a town of seven hundred years, the same flying cloud gang was running around the steeple of the new church in the center of the market.As the sun darkened and the night sky turned blue, De Fetter, Herzog filmed the scene of the vampire.Dracula came out from the crack of the door, with a bald head, just like the last Foucault I saw in the newspaper. Delphite is like the blue night sky in fairy tales, only comparable to the sky in which Sanrio's twin stars, which were created and sold in 1976, fly.我从日本带礼物给孩子们，HELLO KITTY系列，大眼睛蛙，兔妈妈，WINKI PINKI。妹妹买SANRIO产品，其实是她自己爱。我迷途於这些可喜玩意儿里，找寻日渐稀少的星星双孩跟他们背後的夜空蓝。我曾怀疑他们是否记载中的荧惑星，降世化做绯衣小儿传播歌谣唱，「月将升，日将没，压弧箕fu2(竹+服)，几亡周国」，市上小儿都唱起来。 我们离开圣马可广场搭船到丽都岛，瞻仰岛上的DES BAIN，威尼斯之死的主场景，在那旅馆楼阶上维斯康提初遇差少年达秋。十五分钟航程，渐远渐淡成霞色的威尼斯，漂泊於平波如镜的蓝水上。这无基之城，塞满工艺品。白发老翁伏案吹出玻璃甲虫，蜘蛛，蚂蚁，极小的玻璃鹿。到处是肥皂泡泡般的玻璃香水瓶，罐。幢幢吊著面具的魅丽影深里，女孩在卤素灯下沾着银粉填描一面脸谱。葛萝石巷，沿壁蹑行，壁中人语历历。走出壁道是暖黄食街，披萨香肠生鲜铺。招牌像果实累累，拱桥，陡坡，坡桥上月牙伸手可及。这城泊浮水面，向阳的一半，水光金币花花在跳，背阳的一半，静似琉璃。这一半阴处是翠蓝，水晶紫，黛绿，天鹅绒黑，猩猩红的榭阁楼台，转到阳处就一律溶成枫金色。这城正每年几毫厘在陆沉著，苔蚀，水蚀。 陆沉之都，七宝华灿。 鲁拜集的耽美。 绿洲文明的悲观享乐主义。 永桔他们工作队将从乌鲁木市齐出发，走吐鲁番，焉耆，库尔勒，库车，阿克苏，喀什，莎车， 三岔口。他已经两趟走丝路，上次是西安，兰州，敦煌。他忙碌了几天回来，我们躺在床上时， 我假装不知道他想要做爱，翻身睡觉。次日他收拾行李，睡袋，水壶，羽毛衣裤，防沙镜， 头巾， 高效能电筒电池，润肤油，各类药品。他出远门，我在心理上就已当他是死了，静待出事通知。 故我不做爱，欠这一份，要是我们的契约尚未满，命运便会因此放他回来偿付。然则满了， 我们就互相欠这一份罢──没有来生，只有伴随我到死的时候再死一次。 然後地回来了。黑，瘦，风霜，老了五岁，眼睛却因重逢而焖焖发亮。他跟我讲紫砂色火焰山，崖边有玄奘拴马石柱。鸣沙山的沙浪涛几十尺高，漠风竟吹出了击鼓声。 如若从极东第一个绿洲哈密开始，向西行进，每经一段沙碛，望见天边有一点绿，每历大片戈壁，走进花香鸟语之国。如此出新疆，通中亚，小亚细亚，埃及，北非，至卡萨布兰加， 历经几百段无人沙漠，和几百个绿洲都市，荒凉与繁华，寂况与喧嚣，末圣走完他的伊斯兰巡礼。他思索祖先们之痕迹。沙漠里广大，变幻，唯一的星空和他的蠕蠕以行，沙漠诞生了一神教。 绿洲， 却孵出来神秘玫瑰香气的一千零一夜。 一神教毁弃偶像，雷厉风行禁欲心主义，感官便只好自满於把感官全部化约到香味，花园，刺绣，镶嵌，蕾丝边里去了。热空气中的海市蜃楼啊，陆沉之都。 我们来到古城铢镰仓。樱花正放，遍地花祭，遍城摇曳灯笼里歌唱著，有人的地方，就有苍蝇， 还有佛，在盛开的樱花树下，没有人是异乡客。 大船制片厂於此，小津数部片子都在这里拍。我们认出那屡屡映现於各部片子里的空镜，五层塔风铎，山丘，电车月台，以及摄入麦秋里的八幡宫和大佛。而那一再被排列组合关系的两名演员，父女，兄妹，叔侄，公嫂，笠智众与原节子，则是小津心目中的理想人。理想的男人，理想的女人。 按作者论，每个导演一生只在拍一部电影。那么小津，他拍的就是嫁女儿。一个个体从所属的团体脱离，加入另一个团体，为了世界的建立和延续，经上说，你将离开你的父母。小津不拍娶媳妇，显见嫁，是一种减损，割舍，失去，其引起的骚动跟怅恨足供小津花一辈子功夫去探索， 到他六十岁死时仍言犹未尽？他的第一部有声片独生子，片头字就说，人生悲剧第一幕从成为父母子女的关系开始。 他终身未婚，我揣测他是否一名隐藏，或升华的吾等族类？他与母亲二人住在北镰仓净智寺旁，我们依依来凭吊。穿过小津通常要走四十步的隧道，山壁小径柿子树，下方竹林是小津喝醉回家常常跌落其中的女画家小仓游龟家。为此我们也买了小仓的画册，她家二楼扶梯口挂著泰戈尔来日本时毛笔写的一句梵文诗。小津的妈妈戴副眼镜跟小仓画家一模样，是那种所有妈妈的永生形象呢。小津每开玩笑说只要这个老太太远活著，他就不娶老婆。记者问他为什么单身？ 他说是错过婚期之故，正想要成家的时候被抓去当兵，对，芦沟桥事变爆发他出征中国，两年返日， 又出征南洋至战争结束。他说退伍後再想结婚已变得很麻烦，有妈妈相伴便心满意足了。 他自升任为导演的处女作忏悔之剑，结识编剧野田高梧以来三十六年，至遗作秋刀鱼的滋味。 他俩乃声名远播的酒豪，早上起来一见面便先要乾一杯。无数个本子，在久久的品酌之中， 以对白你一句我一句，慢慢磨熬出来的，至醺方歇。他片中最常见的对白，そうですか，「是这样吗？」 想想东京物语里的老夫妇，总在那儿用这句话一应一答的，并非疑问，倒是认同，产生出能乐舞台上似沉吟似观想的节奏，气氛，一种惺忪之境。 小津的摄影师，前面十年是茂原，後面十年是厚田，大家每促狎摄影师是他老婆。迈进有声片时代，小津仍顽强拍了五部默片，毫不输给隔太平洋的卓别林。这是因为茂原当时正潜心研究有声电影机，小津与他约定无论多久都等他把机器完成。处在质疑小津为何不拍有声片的四面楚歌中，他默默拍著默片。 现场，异乎寻常之静，小津很和平。唯他曾怒斥一名太过火的演员说，流行歌曰，笑在脸上， 哭在心里。高兴则又跑又跳，悲伤则又哭又喊，那是上野动物园猴子干的事。说出心里相反的言语，做出心里相反的脸色，这才叫人哪！ 他肩膀阔厚，鼻梁挺直，好看的髭，不笑时像大象的眼睛笑起来更像了。他一生站在疏远的边缘凝望家庭，他憾缺的，因此寄予无限缅怀和辩证的。当家族中的细胞混搅一团悟不透本身的处境，趋向离散跟崩解，他因为所立位置的便利，而看清楚全局。他成了智者，思省者，拍出了他的寓言。 他爱用人物面对镜头微笑说话著的上半身中景，近景，有礼貌的女人性，一如日语的女性用语严别於男性用语。想想原节子，那一点也不怕男人的无猜神情，和笑颜，令我记起杰，他描绘他情人的气度是，「我不属於任何男人，悠悠然兮多怡哉。」还有宫崎骏动画里的女性女孩，想想红猪，那一群遭绑票获救的小孩们的日语，音腔，笑声，令我油然发出称颂，真是个女人国呀？ 我们碰上了樱花祭，如此爱祭祀的国度。 如此爱花，爱美，美术的民族。 光是八幡宫庭园的花，再来有牡丹祭，喜蒲祭。凡花皆祭，四季必祭，无一物不祭，即物即神即象徵。所看见的即所存在的，此外别无存在，女人爱祭。 听，笛声高亢的不连续音一节一节彷佛在空中砌筑符码，我们为之蛊惑，翘首解读，日日於樱花海里追逐鼓阵队。听，天鼓地笛。空中符码吐诉著，三千大千世界，千王政治，众香国土， 印度的女人性。 看哪，史陀也现身了，他说，伊斯兰采择了相反步骤，沿著男性的取向直去了。 是的抽象，统一的，一神教。 捣毁偶像自亚伯拉罕始，十诫出，众神息。 我们弃了鼓阵队，停驻高台前，为那台上正舞著的朱裳白襦巫女所迷。不知名的神社， 司乐坐台两侧，古衣冠，吹笙击鼓。 巫女朱裳的朱，一如印度女人眉间点的圣志朱色。白襦的白──殷辂车为善，色尚白， 殷商的白。一千五百年前，主掌上下埃及的女王海兹佩苏所著白袍白冠的白。源氏物语画册里白牛驾朱红车子的，朱与白。 十七岁，十九岁，巫女穿奈良朝皇女装束，白桥广袖，朱裳阔据，金冠，垂发缀白麻。 巫女俩俩持有柄的铃，柄上系长宽飘带。右手执铃，左手揽带，左右开张擎与肩齐，鹤翅般，欲飞的， 立起身，右手铃一振泼剌飞起，应著鼓和笙笛，对神而舞。 裾阔，袖广，一扇一阖，简朴得像大地在呼吸。却蓦然巫女一转身，面朝台下的参拜苍生舞过来，三步五步，似潮汐拂拂升至，潋滟逼人。时当南北朝北魏初唐的奈良朝啊，华表千年鹤归来。 柱即华表，以柱测量日影。 我们参拜底比斯阿蒙神庙的繁柱堂，一百三十四根巨大石柱，棋子般森森列於棋盘上。 七月新年，洪水抵临，上吨的玫瑰花岗岩和雪花石膏与洪水并至。欢乐奥佩节在泛滥季的第二个月。 巨柱受启於尼罗河的纸莎草，柱头有些盛放如莲花，有些密合若花蕾。 众多方尖碑，一个被拿破仑掠走至今竖在协和广场上。一个到了圣彼得教堂前，我们在那里缔行婚礼的。我们远眺威尼斯地标圣马可教堂，那宝蓝色星邃的大钟雕，环刻罗马数字和涂金十二宿座，金指针，金刻度。钟塔上站立两位青铜摩尔人，五百年来敲钟报时，绝不误事。 我们看能乐，瞌睡懵懂。只知能的扮装属於平安朝，很大派，时当典静宋代。又看歌舞伎， 红叶将，十六夜清心，两出戏码，旦角衣摆收窄到三寸金莲般的讲究婉约之美，是江户时代大阪商人的趣味呢。 佗，寂，粹。为了益增妩媚而偷情，美学的外遇。 我们行经帝王谷，拜访海兹佩苏女王的大墓殿。 女王的父亲没有嫡子，王位传给她。由於女人不能称王，楔形文字里从无女王一词，她与近亲兄弟结婚，丈夫为合法的法老。法老早死，也没有嫡子，择王妃幼子继承是图特摩斯三世。实权在女王，掌持二十二年，穿法老的服饰徽以蜜蜂百合花，戴法老的假发假胡子，白冠高耸蛇或鹰，往来文件皆以国王称呼她。她不好战，而喜奇异物宝，大批探险队从四方带回来埃及人未曾见过的猴，豹，象牙，乌木，鸵鸟毛。她喜筑祀殿，也在阿蒙神庙立了两支方尖碑。图特摩斯三世继位，出征十六次，版图及於巴勒斯坦叙利亚。回到底比斯，他把神殿里女王的名字皆削除， 刻上祖父之名，并开始兴建自己的殿堂，於一组密室刻满远征事迹，石壁上的编年史。 夏夜，我们再来白天已来过的卡纳克，尼罗河右岸，声光秀诱领观光客游一遭。有声音像是从河那边扬起，邀请我们进入一百二十四头狮身羊首守卫著的卡纳克。声音说，你不必再前行， 因为你已到达，这里就是时间的起始。 短笛奏扬，声音说，是在这里，卡纳克，名叫阿蒙的神坐在山丘上。这里是七月的水上升起来最初之地，泛滥季时野鸭栖息之所…… 声音从各个角落泻出，巨石顶上，废壁，断垣，残柱，秘道，河对岸。灯光移往一尊双手交叉握著节杖和链枷的法老身上——声音说，我，遗失了名字的法老，众人在我的脚座前争辩，我留下了这座巨像。 号角嘹亮响起，老人的声音说，我，拉美西斯二世，十九王朝的火焰，三千年前建造了第二道你们将走入的塔门。我头戴上下埃及的联冠，三名皇后睡过我的床，第三个皇后是当时小亚细亚霸主赫悌的女儿。我後来娶过自己的四个女儿，我共有儿子九十三名，女儿一百零六名。 声音说，我，古埃及黄昏期的国王，托勒密犹发知提三世，建造了这扇大门，取自黎巴嫩的真正杉木，镶以亚洲的黄铜。今夜此门为你敞开，你将进来卡纳克迷宫最奇妙动人之处。 年轻的声音说，我，图坦卡蒙，在这庭院中，我只留下一头方解石的史芬克斯。 十八岁即死的图坦卡蒙，因遭盗被发掘出土了最多宝物和壁画，而声名大噪胜过其他任何法老。帝王谷墓穴，我们深深进入地下看了他甚久，甚久。 我抵达北印度拘尸那城，佛陀去世地。我亦横越恒河平原至菩提迦耶，佛陀悟道处。在永桔去川滇缅甸拍丝绸南路离开我最久的日子，我趁寒假临时搭一个朝圣团去了尼泊尔印度。 巡礼地球古文明地，我们也曾在雅典娜神庙前坐赏声光秀。目睹奥林匹克废墟开著紫色蒲公英，特洛伊只剩旷风终年刮扫砂石遗迹。橄揽林吹摇著它低矮的墨绿浪，或翻过背去的银灰海。 至於永桔因工作，因热情而几乎快踏遍的海峡彼岸，我却一次也不曾去过。 山阴道上，络绎於途。可是我呢，就是没去过。 是的在我的世界版图里，我独独跳开那一大块陆地。 现在，它在那里，一件我脱掉的青春皮囊，爱情残骸，它狼藉一堆扔在那里。我淡漠经过它旁边，感到它比世界任何一个遥远的国度都陌生，我一点也不想要去那里。 我使用著它的文字，正使用著。它，在这里。 它在文字所携带著的它的一切里，历经万千年至当下此刻源源不绝流出的，这里。 毫无，毫无机会了，我只能在这里。 我终於了悟，过去我渴望能亲履之地，那魂萦梦牵的所在，根本，根本就没有实际存在过。 那不可企求之地，从来就只活於文字之中的啊。