Chapter 4 8-9

Notes of a Desolate Man - Author: Zhu Tianwen _8_ A red flower, the first month of Changsheng is a red flower. Wei Chenhong, the old man prefers Wei Chenhong. I recited my own scriptures and survived the lonely storm, just like the fly-changing A Yao calling me for help from the ends of the earth.Goethe once said that if he did not have a foundation in the plastic arts and natural sciences, it would be very difficult for him to stand firm and unyielding in the face of this bad era and its daily influence. In the precarious world, the great Goethe, who can use poetry and color botany as his charm, has lived a high-standard life.I'm a small, writing family, but I just learned some spells, a set of fire-avoiding formulas, and I can escape into the magic world of writing anytime, anywhere, even though the evil spirits are burning outside.

Outside, outside, a sly-eyed boy appeared at my desk and said crisply, can you buy me a cup of coffee?I've had this seat by the window for a long time, dodging rush hour traffic.You can see people and stalls in the corridor outside boiling into a ball, and you can also stare at the shadows on the window glass deep in the light bulbs, three or five are like confinement, the boy walked towards me from there, and walked straight to me.I watched him from there for a long time. But he obviously misunderstood me. He sat down opposite and asked the waitress for a cup of Mexican iced coffee. He recommended to me that only this store has it. So as not to drink coffee and get drunk, which is ugly.Asked if I would like to order a cup too, I said no.

He saw that I didn't intend to talk, and didn't feel sleepy at all. He opened the backpack and pulled out a string of wire tubes, which turned out to be headphones, and an exquisite royal blue Walkman.He put on the earphones, dexterously fiddled with the indicator keys, sat there softly and listened to the cassette, put his hands under his legs and let his feet hang in the air, and sometimes bowed his head, letting me see the black vortex of the top of his head.Sometimes I look sideways at the store, with rolling eyes, indifferent and childish.With all his belongings, a handsome watch, a gold necklace, and a piece of green jade hung on his neck with a red string, he is a bold little goblin, and he must be raised by someone.His clean white FIDO DIDO shirt and plastic black backpack of the same brand, with crooked white letters on it proclaimed to the world, "Fei Duo is just Fei Duo, Fei Duo doesn't mess with anyone, Fei Duo understands everything, Fei Duo Fedo does not judge. Fedo is young, Fedo is not old, Fedo is naive, Fedo is powerful. Fedo is from the past, Fedo is the future."

It's all Feiduo, so there's no room for us to comment. For Fei Duo's generation, the accent sounds like the national language of people born sixty years later—no, no, the correct way to say it is Beijing Mandarin, and living in Taiwan today, this national language is not the other national language.It's just that Fei Duo didn't care about these things. After decades, the words of the Taiwanese mother will be mourned. At that time, the current Mandarin will be the pronunciation and accent of the current Fei Duo's child's Mandarin that continues to change.As long as you turn on the TV, the Mandarin language that fills the variety shows on each channel is fine.At that time, the Mandarin of our generation, the voice of Bai Xue from the last century, will be ridiculed or nostalgic, and it will all wither away one by one. After that, this voice will disappear from the earth forever.

I couldn't look directly at Fedor, his too young body was like the reflection of metal in the sun, and I had to wear sunglasses to see it.Before, I found him sitting and playing around with several boys and girls from the deep place of the window pane. The Fedo children, who were smaller than all my students, were like the shadow of a hare in the middle of the moon, beyond my imagination.Then they all left, agile and light like a pair of red dragonflies and blue dragonflies born after the rain, they scattered through the arcade, which made me sincerely praise them. When the coffee was brought, Fedor looked at my face and waited for orders.I only keep my eyes on the cup of iced coffee with bubbles of fresh milk and red cherries floating on top of the bubbles, between pondering and nodding, is it possible to appreciate some kind of art?He seemed to have my permission, so he started to eat.

In this way, he eats very frankly, and no longer feels indebted and wants to deal with me, because he is so handsome and gratifying for me to look at, and he is worth the money, and I have taken advantage of it.With headphones, with the Fedor manifesto on the Fedor T-shirt and backpack, he made it clear, do not disturb.He is alone in his own world, why should I deal with it politely. Fei Duo'er is beautiful, he knows he is beautiful, and his narcissism, which is bound to shine on the stage during sex, is very talented. LIMELIGHT, Spotlight Ding, the small bar where I used to wander every night.The hydrogen-oxygen flame burns lime to illuminate the stage with strong white light, and the three-quarter profile face of the beautiful victim, like Garbo's ice sculpture, is enshrined on it. He is watched, favored, and worshiped, and then withers in a flash. He has reached an indescribable the top of the tide.Stunners are born to be seen, and he needs to be like this to be complete.

Like, we all have an androgynous soul. To be looked at, to be pleased, to be hard to please, the mysterious feminine body.Have you seen, many clay pottery phalluses unearthed in Central Asia and Asia Minor in the age of ancient goddesses filled the temple densely to please the goddess of the earth.Yes, look at the most original pornographic books, they are all describing the joy and satisfaction of the female body, otherwise it is not enough to stimulate and satisfy men.Peeling off thousands of layers of civilization, tearing down the barriers of consciousness, the female body exudes a scent, tempting breastfeeding, causing the erect penis to make the hidden female body cry out "Yes, more", it is the racial memory of males, collective big dream.

I often procrastinate pleasure, and bewitch my lover's face under the lamp, like a fairy or a demon, as if he is not with this physical me, but unfolding with a charming force that is staring at him, unrestrained .I'm just the medium of that staring power. He himself was stunned by the ethereal smell and swamp gas released by his indulgent exposure, and he sank beyond the limit.The more he sinks, the more violent I am.Rough and gentle, kissing him with undulating tenderness. The feminine that is gazed at and the masculine that gazes exist in us together. I am often amazed that the female body is a creation of himself, he was created by himself.He just shows, and to show is to be, and to show is joy.His mythical, star-studded body swallowed the sun into a horizon, and as the sun passed through his body, he created the night, and then he gave birth to the sun to create a new day.

He never explains himself, so he is one, the soul is the body, never separated.At the best time, he is like what a dancer thinks of himself. Jie's private master once said that the body is a sacred garment, your first and last garment, the place where you enter life and the place where you bid farewell to life , so you should treat it with love and respect, with joy and fear, with gratitude.The dancer adores his own body, he gazes at himself, speechless.He felt sorry for himself.He sang like an Indian song, sometimes the beauty is in the front, sometimes the beauty is on the right, sometimes the beauty is on the left, I walk in the beauty, I am the beauty.

I am surprised that the so-called divinity is feminine. As for the male body, he is the rib that was stripped from Adam. He grew into a male, co-existing with his female kind, but so different.Facing this silent passive existence, he was both curious and confused.He explored, touched, stroked, trying to understand and explain.He is himself, but he is also an observer.There is a poem that says that there is no life in the Dead Sea, and when he heard the fish's voice, when this silent ocean finally broke the waves, he was so ecstatic that he was willing to be buried in it. Yes, science is male.Woolf said that science is not without gender, he is a man, a father, and contagious.

Ah, where did the myth end?Where did history begin?Shi Tuo said that in a society without writing and archives, mythology is to ensure the closedness of society, so that the future can be the same as the present and the past. Perhaps, all the myths are telling about a riot that happened more than ten thousand years ago. The myth reveals the secret, nature creates woman, woman creates man, but man creates history.Yes history, and man wrote the story of mankind according to his meaning.He wrote that women are made of a rib of his body, and also wrote that women were condemned by God for eating the forbidden fruit of knowledge. But in my opinion, it is men who eat the forbidden fruit of knowledge.It was he who started the duality.It was him who started abstract thinking.He observed, he analyzed, he explained. He built a system that was both equal to and different from nature, so alien to nature that the male god usurped the goddess' place.The wrath of the goddess became the original sin of mankind. Remember, the last goddess said that there was a time when you wandered alone, laughed, and bathed... The goddess turned her back and walked into the end of the myth, giving way to the appearance of social order.The sorrow of the goddess has become the Garden of Eden that we have lost and never returned. When I dissected myself, it was a female soul housed in a male body.My spiritual activities are full of negative traits, but my body, the body carrying the DNA of reproductive drive, is an inescapable destiny for human beings as a creature, and it is also our iron-blooded destiny. In order to produce more DNA, the male and female use completely different production strategies.Males are competitors, hundreds of millions of sperm are chosen for an egg, and females are the selectors.A reproductive female needs a cooperative male partner to reliably spread her DNA, and she is meticulous and cunning in her selection of investors.The male's success rate depends on sowing seeds everywhere, so that more females produce more offspring with their own DNA.Look at us, it's true that men are unfaithful to women, but aren't men even more unfaithful to men. Our femininity, loves the sense of reality, loves the physique, loves the hue.Matter exists, and nothing else exists.No meditation, no metaphysics, what is seen in the intuitive eye is what exists.Erzhuhong, rose red, scallop red, persimmon red, agate red, gray lotus red, ivory red, clam pink, silver star begonia red, I recite my own scriptures, steaming red, steaming red on a sunny day produces a small peach. Yes femininity.But we lack the nature of nurturing, and we don't have the virtue of enriching life.As a result, our seeing is existence, which is tilted to the extreme.As a Victorian woman wailed, I am stunned by the beauty of my carcass, I must cast this statue!But how?Unless you get married, it's impossible.Before I grow ugly and grow old, I must be forged.In order to cast a statue, I must marry quickly. The beauty of freezing, rejecting time, there will be damage if there is time.We have become the stunning swan described by Mallarme, looking at ourselves in the cold water of winter for so long that our feet are frozen and we can no longer break free. We cannot pass on the DNA driving force, and there is no way to dissipate it. If we throw it all away on sexual consumption, or invest in the palace of the senses, build it, chisel it, carve it tirelessly, and have the most energy and leisure to savor the details. Impossible to get back, porn utopia. The gazed Fyodor child, son of Utopia.I was shy and didn't look at him, just looked out of the window and sighed slightly. I have never loved a beautiful boy with broken wings before, I pray that he will never fall in love with anyone.Falling in love with someone is the beginning of falling into dust. I can't bear to see him fall into rags and rot.I couldn't help but murmured the prayer, he will fail all the people in the world, but no one will fail him. Stunners are not benevolent, and those who chase after sex are straw dogs.So at my age, it's just an ant stealing life. I thought about Yongju with a dull pain. There was no news from him when he went to Yunnan and Burma. When I couldn’t think about it, I thought that he might be dead, and the first mountain snow this year would bury him.Tears blurred my vision, I almost can't remember his appearance, his voice, his body odor... In the corner of this big city full of gold, I sat opposite Fei Duo'er for a long time without talking to each other. When I got up to leave, we met our eyes for the first time.Fei Duo's eyes didn't have any trace of redness, black and white were distinct, and the whites of the baby's eyes had that kind of bone china blue, which definitely looked heartless in my eyes.I was ashamed of myself, and my face was reddened by the terrible babbling, which didn't fit my cold heart at all.Maybe I said, don't you go? Fei Duo had already taken off his earphones, twitched his eyelashes coolly, and said, let’s go, the odds and ends have already been put into the backpack, and he left the chair lightly when he turned around. He walked out in front of me in jeans and loafers, and put the His slender and elastic back was unrestrainedly shown to me. I took a quick glance and saw everything in my eyes, so I stopped looking and went to pay the bill.It felt like X-rays of his sight in the distance, scanning me up and down.I laughed to myself, it was a lame old crocodile. At the door, I said, well, that's it... Fei Duo said, have you ever played catch dolls?I am ashamed to say no.He patted my hand with a groan, and beckoned me to go to a shop next door. Such cool and soft hands, I followed him, sighing a little.My meaning is very clear, "Then, that's it", which means, although I'm lonely, I don't want to tonight, but thank you for sitting with me for a long time, after all, I'm old, and you are like water passing by like a flower Meijuan, thank you for taking care of me, then, yes, that's it, goodbye.In my generation, I was like the actress Hideko Takame in Naruse's movies, looking back at the acting. There are not many exterior scenes in Naruse's movies. The two always talk while walking. Sometimes Naruse uses the track to follow the characters. The two spoke side by side again.The movement of the camera is replaced by characters, creating a delicate charm. Even for interior scenes, Naruse is obsessed with the boundary between indoors and outdoors, using the difference of light and shadow to create superimposed coloring and time shifting, re-borrowing the partition [wood + fan] layout of Japanese-style houses, oblique angles, multi-level spaces, and The deep scene adjustment in the fixed lens builds a Naruse-style scene frame.The people in the middle of the activity, the clouds float and stop, there is no reason to gather and disperse. Ozu once said that there are only two films that I can't make, and they are Mizoguchi's Gion sisters and Naruse's Ukimo. Ozu, the horizontal style artist, is closer to masculine temperament.His frame, mathematical and geometric, is woven with emotions in vertical and parallel lines.The empty mirror is his container of emotions. Naruse is already fond of men, more colorful than Ozu, more traceless, more ruthless, one after another, more charming than Ozu.Ozu watched quietly and reflected.Naruse, however, intervened by himself and flowed with his fate. His lifelong hobby was nature. Then Fei Duo generation, both passive and active, neat and straight, Coolpad was born, asexual.They would rather masturbate cleanly, and don't want to be embarrassingly involved with others.They carry a deeper, narcissistic cleanliness syndrome than new humans. I have to keep tuning the strings so that I don't misjudge Fedor.It seems that he has no intention of exchanging anything from me.In fact, he knew at a glance that whether it was sex or wealth, I was pitifully small, and maybe it wasn't enough for him to smile at me.He is giving me alms. I have watched him through the window for so long, and the disparity between the rich and the poor is so great that I can't even thank him for his charity.Just looking at one thing, what is catching dolls, I never heard of it when it was just emerging. He instructed me to insert coins and how to manipulate the equipment to pick up the tumbling Yancai doll in the glass box.He gave an order, PAPA, you go to play that one, hurry up, there is no one now, take that one first. PAPA is me?I also immediately obeyed his instructions and occupied a claw machine next to it. PAPA?Papa?Papa?Papa?Papa?He calls me Papa.I was blushing, my heart was beating wildly, and I was playing with scratching dolls, and my coins were gone in an instant.I looked back at Fei Duo, he was trying his best not to look at me, but Wei smiled brightly and called me PAPA, there is a coin change machine over there to change coins. As expected, I exchanged ten ten-yuan coins and gave them all to Fei Duo.Watching him play, looking at all kinds of amusement equipment in the store, a hundred schools of thought making loud noises, a large area of ​​signal lights and flashing torrents, everyone holds a rock and let it fall down, ignoring it and burying their heads blasphemer.I joined a table surrounded by goblins, raced horses, and bet on the plastic blue knight orange and brown horse that no one bet on.I insist on caring for it, not changing my mind, and I seem to form a community of destiny with it in the dark.I don't know where I am, the future world thousands of years ago?Imperial Vienna at the end of the last century and death?Or Rome before Nero burned the city?Love myth? In 1969 or 1970, Mythology of Love premiered at the Madison Square Hall. After a rock concert, 10,000 young people filled the air with the smell of marijuana and heroin. Li cars come noisy.It was snowing and all the skyscrapers in Manhattan were lit.The screening was an unprecedented success, with young people applauding at every scene, many falling asleep, and many having sex.The movie goes on endlessly, what is on the screen is being performed off the screen, the myth of love, the only time and space where it is mysteriously found.Many years later, Fellini recalled that it was as if the code of the myth was suddenly cracked, and ancient Rome, the future generation, and the present watching the movie were instantly joined together.It no longer belongs to Fellini. It is a geological ammonite relic. Its asymmetrical pattern shows that two ages separated by thousands of years are juxtaposed in one space at the same time. So it's true, Fedo is from the past, Fedo is the future.His Fedor backpack is tied behind his back through his arms, like a climber, like a traveler, stop here for a while.His pair of bright white high-top sneakers do not stick to dirt and dust, and they are very similar to the generation of Xiaolongnv, who lived in the tomb for a long time, and slept on a hanging rope. It seems that he, who doesn't know what loneliness is, has no intention of giving me anything. Narcissistic cleanliness syndrome, they want an absolutely comfortable and harmless plant relationship.Accept shallowly, bestow lightly, never profoundly.Deeply corrosive, only horribly lethal, and ominous.I understand a little bit. The new generation who grew up under the big hole of AIDS and the ozone layer are so fragile. They also try to find a living atmosphere suitable for coexistence. They want to avoid any deepness, lest they die prematurely.Fedo approached me, it seemed, only because I didn't seem to give him the slightest sexual oppression.Yes, I was originally an odorless and tasteless colorless grass. Compared with them, we are much rougher.Encounters, that is, the flames of Kungang and jade, are all too common - yes, as long as the other party is warm, intentional and extremely cheerful, it will become easier. I told Fedor I was leaving, and he didn't play anything else all night, and he caught one doll in all.He said PAPA, wait a minute, finish this catch.His cheeks are so juicy pink that they are almost ripe, making me really want to kiss them like a dear father.But I just put my hands on his shoulders, saying goodbye, I have to go. I stood on the street, standing blankly for a long time, forgetting where I was going. A gust of night wind in early winter shook the Great Wall I had built to defend my loneliness.Loneliness strikes, just like Genghis Khan in the wolf, when the moon was dark and the wind was high, he leaped over the walled city and entered the middle school.His long-cherished dream, his long-cherished dream, that flying over became a stop in Yue Kong, flying down endlessly, only the snorting of the horse was heard, and the ancient wind was crackling in his ears.I think Yongju is dead, his voice is crying in my ear, if you wait for me, I will come back, but you must wait for me wholeheartedly, until it rains yellow and snows heavily, until the victory of summer, until the news dies, Wait until the memory is blank, the mind is shaken, wait until all the waiting is gone... The cool and soft hand holding me is not Yong Ju, but Fei Duo.Why do I blame him for coming, not playing anymore? Fei Duo nodded and asked me where I am going now? Finally, I sighed and let my emotions out in front of Fedo.The home where Yongju is not here, tonight, I almost don't have the courage to go back.I didn't even have the slightest intention to go to the bar for a drink. After the speech in the evening, I saw the horse race all night. Thinking of the blues or piano jazz played in the bar, I was so tired that I was about to vomit.My sister's house, what a healthy family atmosphere, it's really not suitable tonight. My abnormal mental state is like a lonely ghost that can't get close to the main hall. I will be frightened by a shaking figure and run away.I don't even have the energy to talk to Fedor, what are we talking about?We live in two centuries of people.Seriously, I don't know where to go. Fei Duo looked at Yaoya Road as if looking at the wilderness. It was the Penglai Hotel, the tallest neon sign in the city with 12 F lights on. Is Fei Duo inviting me to go with him?God, he is so young, younger than all my students, I'm afraid I can't help it.Ke Feiduo's voice without any emotions, such as transparent acrylic, said, PAPA is going to your house, or mine? I murmur in amazement, so, this, but, yes... I used to bring home my wonderful encounters, and the next day I still drown in the sweet memories of his body and smell, he is gone and stolen I have just received a generous bonus, and I have not seen him since.After that I became more defensive, more cautious. Fei Duo said calmly, come to my house, I will show you the legend of Sanctuary, and I will tell your fortune with coffee. I said, where are your parents? Fedor pouted and said that they would only be at home. I said, they don't care about you? Fedor said, did you mean an ATM? ATM? Yes, ATM, I am an ATM card. Oh yes, the relationship between ATM cards and ATMs.Fei Duo was very happy that I agreed to go to his house, jumped up and down for a moment, and said, PAP A, let me tell you, Legend of Sanctuary, so handsome!It belongs to the role-playing game type, mine is a color version, and I installed a Moqi sound card, it will play nice, nice music, yay!yeah!Fei Duo called out, half-raised his hands and danced in the shape of a V, what a happy crab. But I had no idea what he was describing, and I didn't want to.Legend of Sanctuary, I saw him playing on the computer later, so I realized that it was these four words.I asked him curiously, what does father do? Fei Duo said that my father went abroad to do business, and even when he returned to Taiwan, he was often not at home.In fact, I like this dad very much. He is really smart and earns first-class money.Once when he came home, I was playing cubes, and he borrowed me to play on a whim, and he scored more than 30,000 points in the first game, and lost to him——Fei Duo fell a few steps away, which means hitting the wall and fainting stop. I asked him, where is his mother, who is not often at home? Fei Duo said, my mother, that's a good idea.She suspected my dad had a concubine all day long, but she couldn't find evidence, couldn't grasp his heart, and couldn't grasp the feet of the ground.This year she started to play stocks, she played cards more fiercely, went to ballroom dancing with her friends, and lived a fulfilling life. So, are you all alone? Fei Duo said, it is better for my mother to be like this, so I don't have to worry about her.Before my sister got married, she was so bored, she said that we were dragging her down, otherwise she would have remarried long ago.After my sister got married, she became happier and didn't like to stay at home anymore.Anyway, it's okay for me to take care of myself, and I don't lack money. It doesn't matter if she goes home or not, and I am more free.I don't like them coming to accompany me or something, because they don't necessarily have something to say. I asked him, where did he study and what grade was he in? Fei Duo glanced at me and said ei4, you love to ask questions.I went to one, a school you wouldn't know about anyway.And I don't want to miss Taiwan's universities, and I want to finish my military service before going abroad to study, so I hang out at home and play around without any pressure. You skip home and skip class. No, I skip home, but I don't skip class.It's too troublesome to skip class. If it gets too big, the school will notify you to come home, which is not very annoying. Wouldn't it bother you to stay home? Won't.I am like this, on the first day my mother goes to play cards or go abroad to play, go out, and then plan to come back the day before she goes home.In case something happens, I will sleep at my classmate's house for a day, and she won't bother me too much.It’s hard to calculate the days when Dad comes home, but as long as there is a situation, my mother will definitely help me if she is afraid of being cut off. She always tells him that I am going camping. Where are all the stalkers going? KTV, MTV, and shrimp fishing, even if there is no place to go, you can stay in a hotel, anyway, I don’t like to be alone at home.My sister knows that I often don't come home when my parents are away. Yes, she doesn't use "not coming home" to describe me as "staying home".I'm like a wolf, very alone. What about your friends, at least, you also have a classmate. No, I am an only child and like to be alone.People say that money can buy friends, but I don't love others because I have money to be together, so I don't have many friends. Where's the girlfriend? Girlfriend, you don't know that girls are very snobbish nowadays, I'd rather go to a hotel and call someone.called? Yes not yet.I don't like it, I'm afraid of winning the lottery.I also don't want to be gay, it's too tiring and troublesome. No one harass you, I mean, there will be a lot of people chasing you. It depends on whether you want to be chased or not.If you don't want to be harassed you won't be harassed, I think so.Like me, when I go to KTV, I am the only one singing in a room. I sing really well, although no one appreciates it, it doesn’t matter, the screen will play subtitles of applause and encouragement.When they get tired of singing, they go to sleep and sing again when they wake up. I ask them to start playing from the first song of the songbook and sing until the end. I looked at this tender-faced Fei Duoer in front of me in confusion, just like Aschenbach meeting Daqiu.Devon Aschenbach, the creek full of corpses, the river of death.Aschenbach failed to survive and died in Venice, the plague water city filled with the smell of disinfectant. Daqiu is the pure and chaotic flower nourished by death and sex.But today, when I follow Fei Duo to his house, he will use coffee to divination my fate. This home, a home without traces of life, is like the set of a TV drama tower, resplendent and resplendent like Tainan Danzai Noodles on Huaxi Street.Very clean, every day an Obasan comes to clean.There are foreign wines displayed in the glass cabinets as decorations, and the hostess carries all kinds of super famous brand skin care products for makeup, piled up so many that they can be used to paste the walls.There is a half bottle of mineral water on the bar table. It has been a long time, which makes people feel that moss or larvae have grown in it.The facts are similar. I was sitting on the leather sofa in the corner, and I was bitten by mosquitoes. A pimple suddenly appeared on the side of my neck, which was extremely itchy.The mosquito flew past my sight, disappeared for a while, and swooped past my ear again. I couldn't beat it to death.In the elevator building, where mosquitoes fly in winter, it must be this quicksand-like leather sofa. No one has walked around for a long time within a few feet.There was no coffee machine, so Fei Duo made a cup of instant Maxwell. Out of politeness, I slowly stirred the iron spoon, and saw my face reflected faintly on the crystal black low table. There is not a book in this house.Newspapers, magazines, or as long as there are some printed words, DMs, catalogs, phone books, as far as I can see, there are none.I suddenly lost my parent and drifted.Fei Duo drank from an easy-open can, and sat on a slope beside me.We can't seem to talk anymore.He changed out of his jeans, and dropped his long T-shirt to cover his hips, making one wonder if he was wearing anything underneath, until he sat down, and it was a pair of light yellow shorts.He sat there with his legs bent, like a Rhine banshee sitting on a rock.We seem to have suddenly lost the air of sufficient dialogue that we had not long ago. I long for him to call me PAPA and call us back to the situation just now.I couldn't help myself being turned into a dehydrated algae leaf, sticky and about to smell salty.I really want to say goodbye quickly and run away before the stench overflows. Fei Duo drank his drink and threw the basket into the barrel, which made me jump.He picked up the remote control, thank God the big Proton TV in front of us started sounding, and after a while the picture oozes out, Brother Zhu is brilliant.He went around all the stations, but he still came back to the show, singing and dancing with a yellow accent, easily filling the room. We watched the show in silence until the phone rang. Whispering into the machine from the window.I suddenly realized that he had been waiting for this call, and I was just a delay.The birds are gone, the good bows are hidden, and you can retire.I drank the ice-cold coffee in one gulp, indicating that I was leaving. After turning off the phone, Feiduo said to me, PAPA, wait a little longer, my friend will come over right away, and start playing. I pandered to him so much that I flattered him and said, okay, is coffee a fortune teller? Fei Duo said that my friend told me that the computer virus was so severe recently that he blocked the computer and dared not play for the time being.I told him that three floppy disks are required to play, and the capacity exceeds 3MB. Although his is enough for loading, it is only enough for the monochrome version. When I heard that this set is a color version, I will come right away without further ado. Yes, Fedor didn't mean coffee, he said computer, and I was silent.Still watching the show, waiting for Godot.After the show was over and Fei Duo switched to N HK Channel 2, Goduo came. Goduo looked at me as a greeting, I don't know.Fei Duo didn't introduce him, and he didn't say a word, and they went to the room like conjoined twins. They didn't speak to each other!Then Feiduo called me, PAPA. I followed them on tiptoe, leaning modestly against the wall to watch them, not overstepping. OK, the screen is available, Feiduo said, password. Guotuo picked up the red X-ray film to retrieve the code, 4508. Fei Duo typed the numbers into the computer, and the disk was in a commotion. Suddenly, the screen cracked and cracked a very strange animation, and the Moqi sound card played music. Wow, I exclaimed, it was indeed shocking.The two of them remained unmoved, as cool as a brain doctor preparing for surgery. For a long while, they just stared at the screen, and then, like ants exchanging messages with their whiskers, they touched each other and completed coordination. Guotuo sat down and pressed the attack button.Fei Duo waited beside him, spreading out the Six Great Divine Continents, holding a chart of props in his hand.Let's see, the protagonist played by Guotuo runs around on the screen, leaves the village, and meets three beautiful female demons. When Guotuo is a little soft, Fei Duo has already sacrificed the fire cloud scaring technique, killing the three women and fleeing, earning a lot of money. I paid thirty yuan and five experience points. I secretly checked whether they were lovers, and I was at a loss. Feiduo said he didn't want to be gay because it was too troublesome.My buddy Bebe, she says making love is exhausting.Every day we have sex, the ego is exposed, and the ego of the boyfriend is also revealed. Sex is just a backlog of tension between each other, and everyone is hurt.She said that she is a peace lover, pursuing peace, not ripples. My student Haohao, he said that playing horses and playing video games belong to the same level.If you want to do something after the date, it's better to go home early and play video games or watch TV videos than to find a place or lure the other party to bed. Beibei later told me that the so-called second virginity syndrome has become popular in Japan in the past six months, that is, young women who have lost their virginity can no longer have sex.For example, measles and chickenpox, early morning is good, since you can be immune after vaccination, you should hurry up to get it.There are many reasons for this epidemic. One of them is that because various information surveys show that girls are not virgins, most girls hate that they are different from others and deliberately lose their virginity.Now I know from the information that everyone does not necessarily have sex, so I am very relieved not to do it.Sooner or later for non-virgins depends on the atmosphere of the company or school, and so does sex.Losing a virgin doesn't happen because of falling in love with the other person, it just happens with someone who is more used to making love, and the accompanying memory is still there, so that's okay. I am surprised, then, heterosexuality has also become homosexual? Often, we have explosive relationships with people we don't know, and our memories of that person don't begin until we part.This aftertaste, like every creature is melancholy after mating, is also full of sentimentality. Who said, Schopenhauer, that the ecstasy and pain of a person in love are actually the sighs of the soul of the race.Racial will is implemented in love for the union of the sexes to reproduce offspring—look at this, how classical it is.In those anecdotes among heterosexuals, the female is the chooser, carefully caring for the rare eggs, picking out the partner in a false and intelligent way, and the males participating in the competition must overcome the difficulties of billions of physical strength, intelligence, endurance, and energy. Enough to baffle posterity and issue praise, stupid, your name is a man! In the future, if most men in an era gradually lose the drive to reproduce offspring, stupid power?This era is probably also homosexualized.When I heard the sisters and sisters around me complaining and saying, I wonder where all these good men have gone!I always concentrate on controlling myself don't, don't blush, and try to maintain the most calm demeanor to hide my identity. When men no longer want to change their minds, they are tempted when they see sex, because of trouble?too tired?Do not have time?Can't help but don't want to?The women fell silent. When will the age of asexuality come?In 2020, the Chinese translation of the film is called Blade Runner. The man was ordered to kill the replicant. In the end, the host and the guest changed positions. When the replicator rescued the man from the skyscraper, the replicator’s life was over. Watching the man and the doves puffing up in the air behind him, gradually dying and turning into liquid metal.Of course, the female replicant fell in love with the man, and miraculously survived because of the love. When Fei Duo and Guo Tuo came to a castle, it was said that there were rare treasures hidden inside, which was extremely dangerous.Armed first, put on the God of War headband, purple sand fist gloves, blue crystal armor, dragon lizard boots, and a jade sword in hand, stab into the cellar.Oh, it’s not good, five steps and one demon, six steps and one devil, I finally found a few treasure chests, I opened them all to thank you for your patronage, and in the end I earned two rice dumplings and a bowl of broth. go to... When the survey statistics announced that the baby boomers will all die in 2069.At this time, I vaguely heard a ray of music, intermittent and continuous, so familiar and so far away.At first I didn't pay attention, I wandered in the legend of the sanctuary and was dying.But it came and went again.One after another, clearer and more certain, until I heard it clearly, it was outside.I followed the sound, and it was the living room. A black and white film was playing on the TV screen. I couldn't believe what I saw. It was on NHK Channel 2. I saw Fellini's road being staged. 大力士安东尼昆，低智女朱丽叶塔，两位可爱的老朋友跨越时空来晤，我热泪盈眶，坐看如梦相似。 多久多久了，阿尧出国前我们在美新处林肯中心看的大路，也是我与阿尧最後一起共看的电影。每每尼诺罗塔的配乐一起，阿尧便感冒似的抽搐著鼻子，剧终时和安东尼昆跪倒於沙滩里无尽悔恨的啜泣汇奏为一片滔滔逝水，阿尧哭了，我也哭了。我们趁灯光大亮前各自赶快整顿好， 逃出门仍悲切不止，默默一直走路。一整条重庆南路布置著牌楼国旗，十月金色的风到处镀上一层金。阿尧买了烤鱿鱼，我们喝完公园的冰镇酸梅汤，坐博物馆阶梯上撕鱿鱼吃，才开始谈观后 感，却做了一个完全跟我们情感相反的结论。我们嫌大路，太乡愁了，不够犀利。我们著迷於八又二分之一，而膜拜爱情神话。 几年後我看到大路录影带，带著忆往的心情，比跟阿尧看时知道了一些背景知识。当年左翼记者皆反对大路，此片跟社会政治问题沾不上边，用新写实主义的说法，这是部拒绝的电影，颓废反动。唯独一位评论者他说，好一部勇敢的电影！他也许是嗅出了大路理力抗潮流的勇气。但我仍抱持跟阿尧的共识，大力士和低智女，都是费里尼、心中的理想人，失之浪漫过度罢。 似乎，到今天这一刻，大路才有了它唯一的位子，银幕上正演著银幕下的。 走艺游人骑一辆马达篷车跟买来的低智女，两个边缘份子展开一段谋生旅程。冬天出太阳时， 大力士抛弃了病愈又活回来的低智女，留给她一些钱和食物。若干年後，投靠到马戏团里有漂亮女人为伴混得还不错的大力士，歇演时在路旁晃荡，春天，空中飘飞粉絮，孩子们打球玩。他走著，忽然驻足，那似有若无的歌声，从何处吹来，断了，又来了。他趋步前往，旋律越来越清晰， 他看见郊地上一名主妇哼著歌晾晒衣服，他问妇人这条歌。妇人说两年前有一女流浪到此，常常唱歌，去年在这里死了。 我覆脸乾啕起来一如影片结束时的大力士。我与阿尧，我与永桔，我们放野在社会边缘的逐色之徒，往往，未败於社会制裁之前先败於自己内心的荒原。我如何把自己弄到在这个屋子里， 任费多的一切一切，无情践踏。 低智女大力士适时出现，向我招魂，以我们共通的语言，那一点点乡音已够我抓住像一缕丝线，依循它我走出了迷宫。我斯文扫地，仅免於精赤条条。朱丽叶塔滑稽之睑，善良如母鹿的圆眼睛，包容著越老越怪越难以相处的费里尼，亦包容了我这副不堪的蠢模样。她像金雀花治疗不安，石南使人平静，松香平衡消沉，龙胆根增加耐力，茉莉抗抑郁，薰衣草解除焦虑，金银花减轻乡愁。巴克疗法也好，芳香疗法也好，对於我仅须及於文字，文字疗法，够了。 且看，金盏花疗牙疼，樟树做收敛剂，灰毛菊解毒。桃金娘治支气管炎，橙花助消化，野葛抗腹泻，燕麦镇痉挛，丁香油防腐止痛，迷迭香强固记忆力…… 我看完大路，关掉电视机，离开了费多的屋子，没有向费多道再见，当然也没有留下足迹。 费多再也找不到我，我也不会遇见他。对他，费多一代，我无能抗拒，但是起码我能，尊严的败退。我奢望，应当我还不至於太难看。 往後我常常想起费多家，那条巷子出来的通衢大道，我招计程车时看见垃圾车开来，沈重坦克，漆黄铁壳闪著许多盏红灯泡，连连五六部轰然驶过去好像宫崎骏风之谷里的荷母群阵，异味掩鼻。 宫崎骏动画之色，绿体分布著灰蓝图型视器的荷母，生气起来视器会变成血红。荷母之怒， 即核战後被灭种污染了的大地之怒，唯有一人，一女孩，驾驭状若蜻蜓飞行器的女孩，可以抚平荷母之怒。女孩偕飞行器翱翔，妙影投照在荷母湖镜般的视器上。最终，荷母像红潮涌来为女孩所阻，息止了怒气。重创的女孩昏死在地。荷母蠕蠕伸出它们须条触拂女孩，将她高高抬起於空中，一片黄金麦浪摇动的触须放射疗能，唤醒了女孩。女孩走在浪端，走在光中。风之谷的人们仰望著，一名老得不能再老的婆婆惊喜掉下眼泪。只有老婆婆听说过的那个传说，传说里的女人， 承诺将会再来的女英雄，他们等了一代又一代，现在，她终於再来了。 那个冬夜我站在大街， 孤独如在一个同性恋化了的乌托邦，那些环绕地中海沿岸多似繁星连神话也没能传下来的不知名小国啊。我只有诵著自己的经，经曰，西湖水乾，江潮不起，雷峰塔倒，白蛇复出。 _9_ 新时代运动的健将们说，柏拉图大年换月，走完黄道一圈十二宫是一个大年，需时两万五千八百年，移动一宫乃一次大月，两千一百五十年。逢换柏拉图大月，旧去新来，分崩离析，麻姑三见沧海变桑田。这次换月，太阳从双鱼宫逆入宝瓶宫，在本世纪未。从双鱼时代的基督教文明， 过渡至今日後基督教时代，於二○○一年跨入宝瓶时代——NEW AGE，新时代。 唐葫芦教诲我，宝瓶座，其星座是一个人肩上负著水瓶向下施水，象徵柔性，包容，人道与和平。所以未来的宝瓶时代，是柔性生态主义对抗刚性物质主义的时代。 仙奴附议告诉我，意识必须变革。 他们拿些书给我看，有一本宝瓶同谋，为新时代手册。唐教我该如何操控意念，他说意念这个东西，是宇宙间唯一超光速的能量，可使百炼钢化为绕指柔。 ? 唐银仙奴信得很诚，道友更胜情侣关系。吧聚会，他俩连袂来，不忘传道。唐最近学会唱张清芳的歌，MENSTALK，他唱你说你有个朋友，住在淡水河边，心里有事你就找他谈天，爱人不能是朋友吗，你怎麽都不回答，你的心事为什麽只能告诉他…… 唐，赔光老本追寻爱情的坎坷G，多年来为了几桩爱情赔掉一幢房子数十万积蓄，爱人们还是都跑了。现在他跟仙奴住在一起，仙奴尚有旧爱未了结，他对仙奴唱道，我和你就像天和地， 你是云天上飞，而我的泪水滴成了河…… 仙奴点燃腊烛，倾斜著将腊油滴入盛水的盘中，端详腊的凝结形状来占卜。烛光隐饰掉岁月烙纷，烘托出眼睫鼻翼很立体，因太专心详兆而头疼起来似的以食指戳著太阳穴，妖丽如京戏里花旦把胭脂直擦进两鬓去。他详罢自语自解，情字路上，误会，谣言频频，注意言辞和行为。 我乍然醒悟原来费多的咖啡算命法，大约就是这样罢。於是我亦朝水盘滴下腊油，请仙奴帮我看。腊凝成依稀船形，仙奴解码说，你常存怀疑，要使感情和谐，应更具信心。 仙奴每喜独坐烛光里，若有新加入者跟他攀谈，他便永远再讲一遍他的故事。无非十二年前他去公司打卡时钓到一个这辈子最爱他的老外，他苦读通过托福考试，到美国和情人赋居。情人住在船上，为欢迎他上船，把他照片放大几百张贴满屋子每个角落。这楝不能给他安全感的船屋， 一直是他任性找碴的籍口，一个月後地返台认命度日。十二年间，情人每趁休假来台与他短暂相会。情人在这里认养了几名孤儿，来就带礼物到育幼院慰问，倒不曾给过他一分钱。年前情人捧来一纸结婚证书请求他签字，为使日後合法继承产业，他没有接受。不久美国来信，情人死了。 至今他常常梦见船屋摇蒙，情人抱著他当时珠贝色柔润的身体入睡，他睁大眼看著船窗宝蓝夜空里杏仁白的月牙，像剪贴在那里的，他患了治愈不了的思乡病。 歌又唱起来，歌词曰，无需喊叫，雁啊不论你飞到哪里，都是同样的浮世。 我仍记得那人姓施，我们每星期周末会面，延续一个月，他突然在不是应该连络的时间打电话找我，向我借两万元。我没办法跟他讲，我的总共存款不过五万，大部份是退伍时同僚们还我的存款，我且未有工作。我答应了他，一文不少。我们在老地方见，庞毕度风的餐饮店裸露著水管铁材斑驳墙壁，空调太冷每使我冻成霜鸡般木讷寡言，以至炎炎夏日我得牢记要携带那件有僧侣帽的外套赴约。施则穿得过於少，他自恃可媲美阿诺的健美体格，不择时地总那一身装束，背心式棉恤扎进超短牛仔短裤里，高筒球鞋翻出有马球标记的线袜，军绿帆布书包。 施迂回说了很多很多，不说时便用一种受伤小动物的眼神望著我。我心知已交到他手上的两万元，肯定是有借无回了。他倾诉自己的苦境和贱性，似乎越拉大我们之间的尊卑悬殊，他就越有理由接受这笔馈赠。他期待我最好能啐他几口苛薄话，脸色，甚或暴力虐行，他就可以放胆的安心理得了。因此我不得不起疑，从我们头次上床以来，他是那样，那样殷勤於翻过身去，曾令我无比欢快，感涕交加的，那麽，他其实并非如我所认为的双偕治荡，共臻梦土了吗？没错，他更多是为了取悦於我。或者我得忍痛看清真相，我们的相处关系原来也没能逃脱出，嫖与被嫖， 他只是采取了零存整付的收费方式。 我唯有呢喃著同样的辞，没关系，就这样好了，别放在心上，唉你不要这麽说……我处在不平等待遇的折磨中，但愿赶快结束这场灾难。但我越仁慈，施刖越自行贬抑。我们那个傍晚到晚饭后的冗沉谈话，便像唱片跳针周而复始播著同调，终至向来露肩露腿不畏强冷空调的施，亦被冻得鼻尖淌水稀里稀里吸著气不让鼻水滴落，而我受刑的忍耐度已濒於临界，终於我下了决断说， 走了吧。 他透出惊煌之色，简直像我把他弃之於野。 但我也再不能了。做个道别的了结之辞我说，你再要去哪里？ 他卑微说，不晓得款诶。复幽怨说，你要吗？ 天啊如何我每次被自己的语言所困，我的修辞总是跟我意图之间存在过大过多的空隙。我真正的意思是，OK，银货两讫，拜拜。然而施得到的讯息却是，我们去床上吧。当然我要告诉他， 不，我一点也不想要，但我说出来的话是，我们该走了。於是从他较为释放的仓促笑容里我明白他所获取的回答会是，要呀，不都是吃完饭去吧喝杯酒然後去旅馆的麽，何苦例外。 势格形制，我已失掉辩解之机，我怕我若回拒他，他会当场痛哭失声。 所以我们仍去了路桥下的小吧。我沮丧之至，多喝了两杯曼哈坦，存心报复他不付账，让他也付一次。他努力要弄暖气氛，变成花蝴蝶般乱招展。我恍惚一下子看清楚他，奇怪他当游泳教练领固定薪水可怎么还向待业中的我索钱？还赌债？不良嗜好？桶漏子了？或是拿去养情人？总之，我不相信这笔钱是给他姐姐住院开刀用的。我才惊觉，对他其实我是一无所知，而我居然以为我们可以长相厮守。 离开吧我们仍去上床。我阑珊走後面，有意教他付柜台宿费，反正也是从我两万元里支出， 不为过。然则他呢，他媚术依旧，又实在更温柔，把我的恨念融解掉，倒也回心转意。男色当欢直须欢，人骗人本来一出戏。我仍想好好玩一回，却何以都走味了，万般不听我使唤，七零八例不得个收场，让我真感到抱歉，对他不起。如此，似乎我们也够扯平了，谁也不必再留住谁。性与权力，其消长，好难说。 离开旅馆我们仍搭计程车，顺路我送到近他住处的十字路，他下车。夏天亮得早，男女清道夫在扫街。不过昨天以前，他强烈吸引我的力量，完全消失了。一旦消失，就像制造香水过程中的热淬法冷淬法或油热淬取，淬尽香气之後的花瓣只剩下一堆黄焦渣子。每次我自後车窗回恋他越过马路并开始期待能很快再相聚的身影，现在，我连一眼不想再看。我害怕只会看见他的平凡， 丑陋，不堪入目。我注目街上披背心戴黄帽的清洁队员，视觉上很刺激。我多番看到他们，这番才发觉有他们，听说他们工作中被酒醉开车撞死的比率甚高。我再不会跟施见面了。 想必，对施我也失去了魅力，人渣一具。 我再度，又掉入了伤郁的渊薮。看不出何时，何人，才有获救的机会。 我屡屡被自己催眠啊，梦想这次遇见的必就是唯一的，固定的。我太恐惧揭破真面目，这表示，又再一次落空。然後是又再一次的低潮，虚耗，一息尚存於早上醒来，为什麽没有死，遂又要开始度过一个白天。随日照渐渐西移，人一寸一寸减弱下去，到黄昏最後一线夕光收尽人亦形骸销散，飘零的只魄只想找到」件物体可以附身，暂栖一宿到明天，谁知道，恐怕今夜就过不去了，那也没什麽分别。 我曾经在满室斑烂斜阳的星期六下午翻遍电话簿，包括服役期间认识的几位南部兄弟，皆找不到谁可以聊聊，见个面，去哪里坐坐。我破碎而游离的状态，将使我的出现在任何一位朋友面前，都是个突兀，打扰。我找不到能有哪个倒楣鬼来聆听我的猥琐告白，灵魂探索。我看著斜阳剩下几道栏干就要没入黑暗，胸腔狂鼓不已犹如十三道金牌来索命。我几乎要打电话给蓓蓓向她求婚，恳请她睡在我旁边让我能握住她手度过即将来临像死亡一样的寂寞长夜。事实上我抓起电话拨了，传来她好明亮的喂喂声。我一时傻口，只在喘气真是断命之人。蓓蓓可就听出来是我， 唤我小韶吗？ 我吞咽大气说是，问她在做什么。她道家庭聚会，放空电话让我听，果然一屋子大人小孩喧哗和婴儿的啼哭，问我何事。 我说，本来想找你出来看电影，改天吧。 她说，你没事哦？ 我说，没事没事。 她等我挂电话，我也等她先挂，一阵空档她问喂？我忙答喂。她笑了说没事哦，我说没事， 她说那就再聊，挂了电话。 我掉落深渊。 夜幕业已降下，没有选择的馀地了。我梳洗好自己，洒上古龙水，如德古拉夜行觅血般我也得尽快找到一枝可栖。我说不在家吃饭了，母亲很失望。这个国宅区此时扬溢著不知哪家的葱爆酱油香，中庭天井大孩子们在投篮球，幼儿骑三轮小车绕逐，妹妹当家教刚刚回来。彷佛阴阳两界，同存共荣，却有一条森严的自然律无形隔阻开，我看得见他们，他们看不见我。他们根本不能想像我去的地方，无光之所在，终老一生他们是永远也到不得的。 我曾经，那是杰不曾给我一丝一毫预警之下对我说，你必须习惯这一切，便与那男人离开家说是去排练场。我留滞他租来的顶楼，心被捣烂成泥，闷入他常穿的布褂里痴狂嗅啃好像救命之急的呼吸著氧气筒。两天假期，大寒流之夜我离营搭快车从屏东直奔台北，一整夜想念杰连盹没打，把自己烧得通体透明，两眼灼灼。我有他房屋钥匙长驱直入，看见他与一男前胸贴後背抱在一起睡得正酣。是那人先睁开眼发现我，杰也醒来。他们纷纷坐起张目看我，一名闯入者。我瞪著杰觉得不认识地了他变成了一个狼人。 直到他二人离去前，我们三人还共同吃了顿泡面。那人算是和善，避开一角尽量不碍眼。我必定像一棵失去仰望能力的向日葵萎顿根植於床沿，波西米亚式铺在地上的床褥，公寓楼顶违章建筑，天花板矮矮的。我两手插进头里，颓愤视线仅及於杰的膝盖和两脚，步过来移过去，嘈乱， 窒问。不知多久，到杰叫我吃面，我动亦没动。 杰过来拉我，把我安插坐在一碗泡面前，面里摊个蛋。他们各吃著，杰告诉我这音乐是这次舞码用的，我才听见录音机放著打击乐间杂笛笙之类不协和音，杰说粗稿还在修增，把蛋白拨到我碗里。他素来只吃蛋黄，蛋白都给我，截至目前这是我仅仅还认识他的，令我几乎失控。可我也真顶得住，哽咽吞面，一碗面竟给我吞精光。杰谓排练时间到了，他们得赶去，叫我好生补个觉，躺一下。杰说，你必须习惯这一切。 我捂在杰的布褂里睡著了，梦见入伍後首次回台北。前一天我电话告知杰，他正忙公演嘱我在家里等他。下火车我直奔杰家，连爬六层楼，绮想说不定他会现身在下一个转弯的阶梯上迎接我。至家门口，我探手廊个边几盆迷你仙人掌底下，摸得钥匙果然他尚未回来。我开了门进屋， 一切如常，好比我从来没有走开过这间屋子。既看不出因相思而导致作息环境的什么变化，也看不出为欢迎我回而有的一点点准备，我稍感落寞起来时，杰突然出现把我抱了个结棍，他躲在浴厕门後偷看我进屋种种。我惊喜问他不是很忙怎麽在家，他堵住我嘴胡言乱语因为想我不能再等等不及了，就再没有讲话的份，狠狠做了回。不得歇息，他赶起来穿衣，要我一道，跟人约了有个访谈。他拿件橘红空军夹克给我穿，飞官朋友留给他的。我们一路跑下楼，亲吻撩抚什麽都来， 刚完俩俩又起，互相指笑…… 笑声里我轰然而醒，分不清哪边是梦境，我像在屋里俯瞰，床铺上的我冷汗潮湿如尸体拉出来在解冻中。我以为睡了几劫几世，十来分钟而已。 日射以东，国境以南，这边的梦域太残酷。我复蒙进布褂，吸嗅杰的气味眠入回忆不愿再醒来。 杰穿藏青棉袄，盘钮一路敞到底不扣，里面纯棉大格子衬衫，扯出拖在松倍青布裤外面，手柄黑布鞋。鞋跟袄，他去香港时买到的。他斜坐上海式老咖啡馆，窗外遮阳棚的橙色光映进来使他像林布兰画中之人。他散发著狂狷气质，令女采访者几度错愕失笑。我坐远方一侧吃完了大盘通心粉，水蜜桃蛋糕，喝红茶，目光不离杰，耳闻飘来的只字片语即知他谈话内容大约是讲哪一块。我瞥见壁镜里的脸，性感吗？杰说我剃了平头的阿兵哥样子出乎意料很性感。我低下头，嗅著自领口冒上来的味道，混合了刚才杰的我的我们来不及冲洗的，使我翻涌起一阵甜暖，一阵酥麻，一阵热流…… 我在畅快中醒觉。仅以爬虫类视网收播到我所在之地有光线，有覆蔽物，有温渐熟悉的气味。 我裹著蛋壳与黏液复又伏蛰，听到血液打著拍子流过身体。 舞者随拍子起舞，舞者倾听他自己的身体。他的记忆已身体化，依赖身体的辞汇和节奏。 他的脸的确比一般人多长了骨头，嶙峋，峥嵘。舞者说，在格力跳舞的那段时间，你可以分明感觉到你比起步之初又多了一些骨头。在尼金斯基跃起他惊世一跳之前，他已跳了千遍万遍。 舞者默诵口诀修炼真身，似俪似骈他哦吟—— 缓缓吐气，收缩到深度的收缩，我彷佛看见天。沉沉吸气，开张到深度的开张，我彷佛看见地。身体扩展之时，我了望悬崖，身体高举之时，我住在自身里面。收缩摇摆之时，彷佛卜卦， 掷jiao3[上竹下交]而出，未有答案，於是再掷，依然无答，终至身体抬起，双臂开张，是的是的，月满天、心…… 我梦呓若祝祷，先知无眠，你须真识灼见，度此暂生，当是刻刻赴死，人越死於自己，则越活於天主…… 我梦见他紧紧匝住我躯体的实感，一股不容争辩不容犹疑的靶力，劲且强。我若偃而依顺， 他荡起我柔蜜黑海。我若抗而匹搏，他飘起我骇怖焚风，自焚焚他。他清瘦之身装著一股命定狂热，他说他从来不选择自己的命运，包括舞者，同性恋者，他是被召唤的，天生注定只此一路。 他说他没有选择，他是被选而做为一名舞者。他这股宿命热力，不由分说进入我意识穴牢，放虎出柙，我的可哀性觉醒，悲恋初情。 在杰的渗透著我们汗水跟欲望的床铺上，我不断醒来，不断睡去。每一睡去醒来之间彷如永死那么久，其实短促仅次大蜥蜴的沈重眼皮打开又阖上。如此我存在的唯一理由，只剩下荧荧一念不灭，等杰回来，等他走进屋里走到我跟前，俯身吻我，霎时，魔咒解除，曾经发生在我眼前的不幸景象不过是幻术一梦！ 是夜杰未返宿。我的昏眠等待渐渐酵变起泡，前一秒我猜忌他，後一秒替他辩护，才恨他， 使原谅了他，相信他必回来，刹那又荡然无存。意念果然比光速还快，泡灭泡生，其酵力也果然惊人，正像後来高鹦鹉给我的一瓶金橘渍，我忘了启食储藏柜中一年待取时，讶见金橘发酵的能量已把肥胖玻璃罐从腰到底裂成了几块。我亦然。那个冬日泛澹泛白的午后，我起床离屋走出楼寓，不吃不饮不知要往哪里去。 可能，我搭了一程公车到西门町，由於钱不够，就也摆脱了町内密布於途的拉客。可能，我到红楼看了一部叫不出名字的片子，当我缓慢适应了周遭一片漆黑之後，幢幢如置身在夜潮的灌木林里。我背後一丛丛灌木发出咻咻声，漫山遍野骚搅著乱影，煽出腥味。我冰冷颤抖像枯木上仅剩的一片黄叶，抖至剧终散场，我见自己临崖悬坐在陡峭厢楼，脚软嘴麻。我不敢回头，但我还是回头，瞥见了空荡座椅地阶上散弃著擦拭过的卫生纸如一坡地盛开的白牵牛。 我走出戏院，黄寒灯火，沙沙而行。 走了一程又一程，徒步横越台北市西区到东区。再回来杰家，从楼下望见房子有灯亮著，我差点休克，扶住胃躲往街角，直想腹泻。我折走离去，一圈一圈绕著附近巷子想，反覆辩证，推理出完善坚固的逻辑返来楼底，然而仰头一望，顿刻崩解，被自己转回身时的影子吓一大跳逃跑。 我惊疑每个往巷里行去的形影是否杰，或那人，屏息跟踪，像一颗摇晃的露珠随时会涸没。後来我把自己一层楼，一层楼往上搬，每上一层蹲蜷阶口大吐气以免昏厥。来到杰家，轻敲门，准备说出业已操练了千百遍的台辞，我将平常极了的说，我回来拿东西的。 很久很久，久到我石化如巫峡神女，无人应门。我取出钥匙开门进屋