Chapter 4 after the defeat

After my boyfriend left with his daughter, everyone said I was good-mannered and handled it beautifully. Even I thought it was commendable. My posture was so generous that it was almost romantic. Only the heroine in the play would do this. The fact is of course not like this, the truth is very different from the surface, but I don't want to show it, because no one can help me. Every night, after work, when I came home, I poured a glass of whiskey on the rocks, and told the blank wall of my prison room about my bloody pain. I don't want to mention the details, the whole person is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but still manages to stay awake.

Then I realized that I had changed. Self-esteem is greatly damaged, self-confidence is lost, and a little self-defeating. In the past, when you encountered setbacks at work, you would have to laugh it off and start struggling again without taking it to heart. Recently, even small things like writing the wrong date will cause melancholy: It’s really useless, it’s understandable that I can’t catch a man, why are the dates wrong?Wang Xiaoshan Wang Xiaoshan, what do you really know? Self-pity has become a habit. Began to worry again. I always feel that relatives and friends are gossiping behind my back, so I refuse to go out to meet guests, and gradually become lonely.

Friends need to be seen often, if they don’t come out once or twice, people will stop calling, whoever doesn’t have it can’t do it. I met another group of people, and I started playing mahjong at my colleagues’ house for entertainment. I was very moved when I saw their husbands serving their wives with tea. Yes, I thought to myself: Maybe it was something good I did in my previous life. Then I feel sorry for myself, I am not bad in appearance, I am well-educated, I am a dignified foreign student, and I know how to dress up, but I can't even keep an ordinary man. Seeing that these girls have become the wives of doctors and the wives of the chairman, if they want a house, they have a house, they want a passport, they have a passport, so there is a way.

I am alone and haggard. It doesn't make sense. New friends don't know that I have something on my mind.I thought I was like this, taciturn. So looking for new friends, greedy them don't know the beginning and the end. After the dinner party, when I return home, I may not be very happy. I usually mock the wall and say loudly: "I still have health, and I still have a job." The extra time is used to dress up. I have never changed my hairstyle in the past, because men like long hair, and because short hair requires a lot of grooming time, so I didn't have the courage to practice it. Now I decided to cut off 20 centimeters and look ten years younger.

She has a lot of hair, cut close to the scalp, which looks childish, but it needs to be trimmed every half a month, just like men. I gave up the high heels again and started wearing sandals with clean toes. Flat heels have their convenience but also their beauty. I kept on doing nothing, and even the style of clothing changed accordingly. I bought cheaper, easy-going casual clothes, which were all cotton, comfortable and comfortable. The make-up has also faded, and the image has been changed unconsciously, from an expensive and bright business woman to a college student. The place where you work is the most up-to-the-road. There are many masters in the field, crouching tigers, hidden dragons, and they don't care about professional appearance, but only pay attention to work ability.

I hide myself in my work. After work and reading, recently reading Water Margin, the green-faced beast Yang Zhi (he is not blue, but has a mole on his face) selling knives, holding that knife for three days, no one cares about it. In the huge Tokyo, no one knows the treasured sword. Immediately, I felt that I was like that knife. Alas, such nonsense. The world is getting smaller and the ego is getting bigger. Do people say that the old aunt is weird, I have slowly entered that world. wry smile wry smile. I never thought a man could make me so old. Of course not worth it. I'm not determined to find another better one to feel proud of. After all, it's you who can stand up for you. Relying on a man is very backward and uncertain.

I also started reading A Dream of Red Mansions. It is suitable for people who are broken in love. The author will always stand on the side of Lin Daiyu who is frustrated in love, and is very partial. Sister Lin is not cute, even annoying, but the author is obviously in love with her and is very defensive. You will cry when you see the downfall. Only when the heart is calm, sad, and dead, can you read such a book well. When you are domineering, you should read Sydney Sutton and Mario Posso. For me, there are only two kinds of books: good-looking and bad-looking.As long as the readability is strong, Chinese and foreign ancient and modern can kill.

It's not my fault that I occasionally go out for a walk when I'm not reading, I don't have to go to a monastery. But this city is crowded with villains, so you can't help but believe in evil, and you will meet someone's new love as soon as you go out. He was really in high spirits. He thought he was not bad at first, but when compared with others, he suddenly looked shorter. To be fair, who is right and wrong is another matter. It is a fact that she is younger than me, and it is obvious to all that she is prettier than me. I saw her wearing big earrings and a big flower skirt, very bright and lively.

I sneak away. In a few days, I also bought the same clothes, secretly wearing them at home, and looking in the mirror. Become crazy. This is how a person goes mad.Bold female co-worker asked me to hang out. How to play? I honestly said: "Afraid of getting dirty." It refers to the feeling. They took it as a joke. Started liking Garfield.Snoopy is too pure, he suffers, and I suffer greatly. I also started smoking. I couldn’t smoke five cigarettes a day. I was afraid of wasting them, so I put them away in a small plastic storage box to prevent moisture. Friends find out that I have a personality.

If you are not beautiful, you have to be stylish. The best adjectives are sloppy, unconventional, lazy, all of which are stylish. Commit to eating. Go to the butcher shop to buy refrigerated chicken wings, come back to season, apply honey, and bake in the oven for 20 minutes. The aroma is not like the food in the world. Open a can of beer root, sandwich peanut butter with bread, eat it, and it is ideal to die. Die, this meal can add one kilogram. All mineral water and salads are gone. I don’t dare to travel, too many single women are travel experts, wow, they go everywhere: Cannes, New York, Kamandu, Zimbabwe... When they come back, they talk about their love affairs and insights, and a photo book is everywhere rumor.

I am also afraid that I will suddenly devote myself to my career. If I want to work hard, I will sell it early. When I am in my thirties, I will be an extremely human minister. I will work hard when the broken man throws it away. What good chances are there? Also, I will never go out to learn this and that, what the hell, old dogs can't learn new ideas. Hey, so to speak, he hasn't lost his position yet, so he can still be saved? I hold on to it. I said loudly to the prison wall: "Mirror mirror, please make the decision for me, how should I live in the future?" The mirror didn't answer. So I walked over and stuck to the wall, like a cartoon, and answered Wang Xiaoshan as a magic mirror: "Soon someone who loves you will come to rescue you with a golden shield in his hand." I don't even believe in such myths. In fact, I never wanted to pursue fame and fortune. As long as that dear friend is willing to treat me well, each of us will do our part after marriage, and raise children in the future, that is, for the rest of my life. I have no ambitions. But he didn't give me such a chance. So I nervously spoke to the prison wall. Getting married early has great benefits, saving effort and money. Now it seems that this is not possible, so you can say sour grapes: it is a pity to get married early. Late marriage gives people the opportunity to look farther. The most frightening thing about late marriage is that after the deadline, no children can be born. cute baby. The eldest cousin married early, and her daughter also married early. The three generations of grandparents and grandchildren walk together, which is enviable. They are forty years old, twenty years old and one year old respectively. A forty-year-old woman can still be very young. The eldest cousin often took care of her grandson in jeans and sneakers. When the little thing called mother-in-law, the jaws of others dropped. It's not easy. This little grandson is our adult toy. He is psychic and fully understands what adults are saying. He seldom cries and is very popular. Because I am free, I often volunteer to take care of the baby recently. He is good at everything, but his body is too soft, it takes a lot of effort to hold him, and the psychological burden is too heavy, I would rather put him on the bed, but unfortunately he likes to squirm, so it is quite difficult to carry him . I took my baby on the weekend, but a colleague came to borrow things that day. I have a computer typewriter, which is light and convenient. Colleague A wants to try it out. If she is satisfied, she will also buy one. It doesn't matter if she comes here, but she brings friends of the opposite sex with her. I held the baby, my hair was disheveled, and I went to open the door, with a feeding bottle under my armpit, and when I saw a man, I almost burrowed into the ground. After all, I haven't married yet, and I still want to make a good impression on the opposite sex. This kind of scene spreads, and there is no place to bury her dead, so there is no need to go there. I widened my eyes. The female colleague said: "You still haven't greeted us? Who is this baby? It's so beautiful." The man was too sensible, and immediately gave him a wink, as if to say, "Why do you ask these privacy questions?" I invite them to come in and sit down. The living room was in a mess, and I couldn't move my hands. My colleague picked up the child for me and asked me to get the typewriter. I poured tea by the way. The baby was afraid of strangers and started to flatten his mouth. I put him in the play basket. There is nothing more embarrassing than that. When I told the operability of the typewriter, the female colleague was not in the mood to listen and kept teasing the baby. "It's so cute!" she couldn't help but exclaim. A woman is a woman, you see. It turned out that her boyfriend had mastered the functions of a typewriter, but she hadn't. Women have too many distractions in their careers, and babies are especially fatal. She said, "Do you really want to have one right away?" I said: "It's very troublesome, don't look at him like an angel, crying in the middle of the night, just like a devil." They laugh.He is a very handsome young man.Alas, I hope lovers will get married in the end. "Who is it from you?" The colleague is still asking. The male companion gave her a white look. She laughed and said, "Don't worry, Wang Xiaoshan is pure and pure, this will definitely not be her illegitimate child." Modern women speak boldly and make men blush. I smiled and took the opportunity to explain: "I am the child's aunt." "Wow!" they screamed. Who dares to say that the child is cute?As soon as you open your mouth, tell everyone to upgrade to become parents-in-law. A layer of ice melted immediately, and the couple stayed with me all afternoon before leaving. People can always find someone better. People can marry themselves off in a blink of an eye. People can always get something for nothing, and everything is provided by the man. People will always have to save the day. People can seek benevolence and get benevolence. People can always do what they want and get what they want. People... I said to the baby: "Come on, let's ask the magic mirror, when will your aunt achieve the true result of cultivation." He fell asleep and his parents took him home at night. I sit on the terrace and drink, and I am not afraid of dying of drunkenness. The house is very close to the sea, there are boats moored, and the reflections are golden lights. On such a good night, the person who abandoned me does not know what he is doing, maybe he is planning a wedding. Thinking of this, I was bored and went to bed. I had many nightmares, in my dream I was forty years old, unmarried, rushing to find a job, being cast aside by the society, as dark as I wanted, screamed strangely, woke up, and found that the actual situation was not much better than the nightmare, cold sweat Stronger, deep breathing. At dawn, the red sun is slowly rising, half of the dreams of last night were forgotten, and the world began to play again. Men don't like my type of women very much. Men like petite, pretty, talking and laughing women. Or just be a woman with a leading personality, and men will treat them as brothers and sisters, and get to know each other well. The worst is my kind of hanging for half a day, half bucket of water. The typewriter still has the following text. A bought one, and B also liked it. Hearing that I had a discount, they all asked me to contact the agent. They are all knowledgeable and interesting people, and they want to treat me to tea afterwards. My first reaction was to turn people away. Hey, if I had my hair done, changed my clothes and went out to have a cup of tea, I would quit. They never let me go. "Come out! Introduce a boyfriend to you." Great promise. "You know what type I like?" "Tell me, there are all types." Like King Kong is good. Watching this old movie on TV one day, really, King Kong is passable, ugly is a bit ugly, but he cherishes women, protects her, and is willing to sacrifice for her. I smile. At noon on Saturday, it was still difficult to get human, and arrived at the scene. They are all in pairs, full of energy, laughing and laughing, and plan to play straight until midnight. Halfway through the meal, a single man came up and took about two tables. He stopped coming to the first table when he was bored. I felt like I was a dish on the menu. Immediately look at the nose with the eyes, watch the heart without speaking. I am 100% dissatisfied in my heart, no, next time I want to turn defeat into victory, turn passive into active, and wait for me to observe carefully everywhere, so what if I go to three tables, stay at each place for 20 minutes, and see if there is any suitable person. Why are you so stupid, just sitting here, waiting shyly for someone to pick up the goods, duh! Married female colleagues can talk boldly and jokingly. They have someone who recognizes their heads, and their spouses have no objections, so it's none of other people's business. If a single woman is presumptuous, she will fall apart, everyone is afraid. The most difficult person to be is a single woman over the age of 21, who is easily offended. Those who have been divorced are better, they can simply pretend to be well-read and well-informed, it is even better to have been divorced twice, there is almost no serious problem except death, and everything can be spread out and fought. So they say, be sure to marry twice. Put down the cup, I pushed something, and left the scene. In your early twenties, you don't have to be evil. In the elevator, I met the former one. I was shocked and didn't want to say hello to him, so I immediately put on my black glasses. Together with his relatives, I don't know if he has the same thoughts as me, and he didn't talk to me. Everyone must have seen everyone. Nothing to say is nothing to say. How about a question at most? You can't cry if you're not good, and you can't talk about it. Why ask, why answer. The elevator door opened and closed, closed and opened, a total of three or two minutes, as if a century. I looked at his back silently. I used to be able to put my arms around his shoulders and kiss the back of his neck loudly, but now this right belongs to others. It's strange that I'm in a calm state of mind. When the elevator went downstairs, everyone filed out, and he suddenly turned his head and called me: "Xiao Shan." I looked up, "Ah, okay?" These two words are really the biggest nonsense in the world. He said very courteously, "You look very good." "It's just makeup." "Fat." "Hey, I love to eat." "Still working where you were?" "Well." "I heard that you have been upgraded?" "No wow, who said that?" "I've heard it mentioned." We've reached the door. The sun shone on me, and I covered my forehead with my hands, "Goodbye." I said. "Is anyone picking you up?" I don't answer. "Goodbye." I turned and walked away. Kind of like running away. Three more hours won't help, a stranger is a stranger. From then on, Xiao Lang was a stranger, and his surname happened to be Xiao. It's so strange that they still recognize me, with so much short hair, so much fat, and so long apart. And he kept talking, as if he was stimulated by something, and his nerves were tense. I admire myself for being calm, not like someone who has lost a battle. This was originally a huge insult, but I accepted it well, and all the deep hatreds flowed into the sea without a trace. After half a year, even my enemy forgot that he almost killed me. And I escaped with my life as if nothing had happened. Look, there is more than a little bit of ability, alas, who doesn't have one or two tricks to protect oneself. No no no, I haven't forgotten, how is it possible, keep everything firmly in my heart, learn to be good once I suffer a loss, but I don't have to show it on the surface, don't explain, don't complain, no no no. I thought wistfully that I could have lived to be one hundred and twenty years old, but after this internal injury, my life was shortened immediately, and I probably lost at least sixty years of life. If you lose one more love, you will really lose your hair immediately, and in the days to come, how can you not keep pace with every step. The cousin said: "Humph, what is this called an internal injury? Let me tell you what it is called an internal injury. When there are several colleagues in a group, everyone is promoted on the same day, and you are the only one who stays in the same position, but cannot resign due to economic conditions. You have to force yourself to smile and get up the next morning to continue to work. This is the internal injury! Then I found out that you have the best academic potential, and you were killed by an adulterer if you didn’t get promoted. People are strong, what do they eat if they don’t cook? It’s no wonder people get cancer.” I dare not speak. "What's a broken relationship? There are many men on the street. When you have an annual salary of 600,000 yuan, a dormitory of 1,000 square meters, and the company provides car drivers, are you afraid that you won't find a man? Some are in the sea, and some are in Wushan. Don't worry about it." I stuck out my tongue, so extreme, probably because I was tired of doing housework. Doing housework is the best exercise, but it is repeated again and again, and I am bored crazy. I wipe those tables and chairs every day, iron those clothes every day, vacuum every day, and face the bathroom... You must ask a maid to do it, otherwise life will be meaningless at all, just washing and cooking, cooking and eating, is more primitive than primitive. When the servants are on leave, the house is usually a mess. On the weekends, they try to tidy it up. It's a little tidy, but on Mondays, it's a mess again, so they don't do it at all. Who does the housework after marriage? These are not details, but problems that we have to face every day, and we must be honest before marriage. I have learned a lot, and I must be clear-headed when I choose a mate in the future. But where is that man? Don't think about it. I don't know what to do with myself, as if half of my soul is missing. Although they all said, "Xiaoshan doesn't know what to worry about. I promise to find someone better right away", I was still depressed. It is not honorable to lose a battle. The reason we broke up was very simple. He started dating other women. We had known each other for two years. Reserve it for my own use. It is very difficult for me to find him, and I need to arrange a schedule. He knew the elegant meaning by hearing the string song, he didn't hide his whereabouts, he clearly wanted me to know the news, and retreated despite the difficulty. I fulfill him. People outside see me as too cool, but in fact I have given him a chance for a year.I also hoped that he would turn back, but he didn't. After three years of walking, he was embarrassed to divorce me directly and publicly. He probably wanted to give me a chance to step down. Of course I didn't cry and make a fuss. Hey, differences of opinion make mistakes. He is probably tired of me, I have low self-esteem, I feel that my personality is boring, and I am not as graceful as him. He secretly gave me face, when someone asked him "who throws whom", he always said: "I am so virtuous, so naturally the woman doesn't want me." People asked me, and I also said by coincidence: "A plain water woman like me, of course my boyfriend dumped me." When he tells lies, people take it seriously, because I have never made it public, and women are rarely so generous.When I tell the truth, people think it is a lie, because women rarely admit to being thrown. Things are more blurred, but everyone praises our good demeanor, internal bleeding, no one knows. There are many girls around him.The last thing to settle down was the very fashionable girl with big earrings. I don’t look good with earrings, pearls or diamonds are okay, but big earrings are not, because I’m not convinced, I rarely wear earrings these days, and I saw earrings in jewelry stores.Don't turn your head now. I am not more generous than anyone else. I didn't blow up because I love myself more than others. If a lovely woman like me can't find a better man.Emperor Tian has no eyes, see, more and more he will have to comfort himself. In difficult times, the skill of speaking to the wall is also higher. If the wall has ears, those ears will surely drip ear oil. At the beginning of the breakup, I naively thought that it showed my state of mind.Maybe it will make him submit, wait for him to call and say hello, and wait for a full month. He didn't call. After finally getting away, why are you calling?Playing seven times a day used to be a thing of the past. After breaking up, I just feel that there is so much time, enough time to be a human again/re-study the diploma/recuperate/write a masterpiece of literature and art. After a year, I finally gave up and stopped thinking about it. On the day when I finally recovered, I didn’t realize it. When I heard my colleague rent a yacht to go out to sea, I stretched my head over and said, “I’ll take a share too.” "Do you bring your relatives with you? Five hundred if you have relatives, three hundred if you don't." I smiled wryly, "Two hundred to buy a family member? It's really worth it." "As long as you come, we will inform our uncles and brothers to bring all the bachelors." I muttered, "Wolf comes all the time, but there are no good goods in hand." The crowd was in an uproar. I went out and bought a new one-piece bathing suit in Electric Purple, lest the bachelors say there wasn't any good on board. I went to iron my hair again, so as not to look like a little boy after being wet. So enthusiastic and meticulous.It can be seen that the battle injuries have healed greatly. The weekend was a sunny day, and the boat was full of people, so crowded that I suspected that the boat would sink, but it didn't. There are many children on the boat, there is a little baby girl named Laura, just over a year old, wearing a pink bikini, smiling at me, killing me, playing with her happily, forgetting to flirt. Suddenly someone said to me: "They told me that you have become an aunt." I looked up, "Who are you?" Surprised. The young man smiled: "My future sister-in-law is your female colleague." I looked at him, hey, he was a little short, his hair style was outdated, his shoulders were peeling, he didn't look like a white samurai. But the eyes are bright, the smile is lively, and there are merits. I just nodded to him. "Like kids?" he asked. I nodded again. This is an opportunity to restore the country and should not be easily given up. I smile.