Chapter 4 Chapter Four The Best Love

Lin Fangwen took this route to Fiji. Gemel and I first traveled from Hong Kong to Auckland, and then flew to Viti Levu, Fiji in Auckland.The Gemel family lives in Nandi City on Viti Levu, a tourist attraction. On the flight to Nandi, Gomel slept soundly against my shoulder.Such a long journey is a bit difficult for a patient. Looking at her, I remembered that when I broke up with Lin Fangwen just now, I quietly went outside her house to peek at her, and paid tribute to my love with Lin Fangwen on her.Who would have thought that today she would lead me to pay homage to Lin Fangwen?Why do thousands of things in life seem to imitate each other, but we can only greet them with complicated emotions?

I tucked Gomel under the blanket, put a soft pillow over her head, and got up to get some drinks.A New Zealand stewardess was hiding next to the coffee machine to read a book, and I accidentally caught a glimpse of the author of that book being the SaiBaba mentioned by Lin Ri. "Are you his follower too?" I asked her. "A while ago, a Chinese passenger took this flight to Nandi. She told us a lot about SaiBaba. I found it very interesting, so I bought his book." She said. "What does that passenger look like?" "She is very thin, with dark skin, long hair, dressed in an Indian salon, about thirty years old." She wanted me to describe it.

"Do you remember her name?" "Her surname is Lin, is she your friend?" I nodded and returned to my seat full of doubts.The day the stewardess met Lin Ri was the day after she left Hong Kong. She told me she was going back to India, but why did she go to Fiji? The plane landed slowly at Nandi International Airport, and I finally came to this land, retreating from a winter to a summer.In a country with no four seasons and year-round hot summer, sadness seems out of tune. Everyone comes on vacation to find happiness.On the same plane as me, there was a group of Hong Kong people who came to dive specially.

All Gemel's family members came. Her father, mother, three older sisters and three brother-in-laws, the whole family looked alike, tall, thin, and dark-skinned.As soon as they saw Gomel, they rushed up to embrace her.Nine people embraced together, looking like a big tree with intertwined roots. At first they laughed, then cried, and then laughed again.They shared the joy of being reunited and whimpered at the impending farewell, and I, like a goose, looked up at the family tree and knew I had come to the right place.I walked this journey with her and sent her back to the arms of her family. After countless years, I will still remember this scene that made me cry.

The quiet night was mixed with the sounds of various insects. I tossed and turned in an unfamiliar bed. I had to take out my notebook to review, but I couldn't read a word. Gemel was sleeping in the next room. All three of her sisters came. These four sisters sometimes laughed and sometimes wept softly. Maybe it will be like this in the next few days. What we fear may not be death, but physical pain and farewell. There is a dive shop by the sea.When I arrived in the morning, there was already a group of people who had just boarded the boat and were ready to go. "Is there a boat to Beqa Lagoon?" I asked the clerk.

"It's full," he said. "Is there another class?" The big Fijian boy with the earring said: "There is only one class a day, so come back tomorrow." "Is it the one that is about to leave?" "yes." "Can I squeeze in?" "We can't do that." He smiled and refused. The next day, I got up early and went to the dive shop. "Is there a boat to Beqa Lagoon?" I asked the big Fijian boy with the earring yesterday. "Yes, there are two more places." Then, he said, "Please, I want to see your diving license."

I froze and said, "I don't have a diving license." "Sorry, we can't let people on board without a diving license." "I'm not diving, I'm just looking. I can still pay," I said. He rejected me again with a smile: "We only accept passengers diving there, this is a diving group." At that moment, a foreign man and woman walked in, showed their diving licenses, and asked for the last two seats. I complained to him: "You didn't say yesterday that you need a diving license." "I didn't think you didn't." He said innocently.

"Forget it." I knew it was useless to blame him. "We have some beginner classes that may be available for a year," he said. "Is it to the Beqa Lagoon?" "We don't take beginners there. There are a lot of nice dive sites around here too, do you have a particular reason to go there?" "Do you remember, about two years ago, there was a Chinese man from Hong Kong who boarded a boat here to go to the Beqa Lagoon?" I asked. He smiled: "I'm sorry, I've only been here for a year." I left the little shop full of disappointment.For a moment, I even hated that I can't dive, I should at least get a fake diving license.

"Where have you been so early?" Gomel stood outside the house and asked me when I came back. "I want to go to the Beqa Lagoon, but I don't have a diving license and they won't let me on the boat." "Why didn't you tell me?" I can't answer this question either.Maybe, I want to pay my respects alone. "I can ask my second brother-in-law to take you there by boat. He has a boat." She immediately went to make a phone call, then came back and told me, "He will come later." "Thank you." I said gratefully. "You should go and see it. The Beqa Lagoon is beautiful. It is a famous diving spot in the world. It is the most beautiful at dusk. When you go there, it happens to be sunset. I used to like diving there the most, but unfortunately I don't have it now. I can't dive, and they won't let me go, you have to go alone." After a pause, she said, "Can I greet Lin Fangwen for me?"

I nodded: "Do you want to tell him something?" She thought for a while and said, "Just tell him, I miss being alive very much." I smiled at her. "He'll understand better than anyone." Gomel's second brother-in-law came to take me to Beqa Lagoon in a white boat.He is a fifth-generation overseas Chinese born in Fiji. He can no longer speak Chinese, and we can only communicate in English.When one person doesn't understand another's mother tongue, everything seems to be separated, which is probably better, and I don't need to explain my silence.

When the boat arrived at the Beqa Lagoon, a round of sunset was submerged by the vast water and turned into boundless red.Seagulls are flying in the air, and here lies a person I love. For two years, I haven't been able to spread a handful of dirt for him. I don't know if he sleeps peacefully. I told Gomel's second brother-in-law: "Can you wait for me?" He nodded.In the orange light all I could see was a silhouette. I had put on a black bathing suit under my clothes beforehand, and at this moment, I took off the clothes on my body and jumped from the deck into the water. If time can go back, I want to say goodbye to him in this way.In his last letter to me, he said that he once thought that all farewells were beautiful. We embraced each other and wept bitterly. We bless each other. .However, the actual farewell is much rougher. He was wrong, and when the moment of farewell came again, I swam to the deepest part of the sea, embraced my lover, and floated with her through the last part of the water.In the later years of life, he will remain in my heart forever.And I only have one small request, if there is an afterlife, that time, please let me say goodbye first. One evening after returning from Beqa Lagoon, Gomel came to my room and said: "Get your stuff, let's go to the beach." "Why do you want to go to the beach?" "Today is the full moon, have you forgotten what I told you? Every night when the moon is full, crabs crawl to the beach and flounder swim to shallow water. Dinner tonight is on the beach! We also have Eat the bread tree!" she said happily. There is a legend in South Africa: One day, the moon called lice to tell people that people will be like lice and can be resurrected after death.Lice met a hare on the road.The hare said that it ran faster than the louse, and could tell people the news first.However, because the hare ran too fast, he forgot the original message, but told people that people will fall and die like the moon. Since then, the moon has profit and loss, but lice, hares and people cannot be resurrected from the dead. I really hated that hare, and I hated the lice too.Why is it so stupid to believe the hare?If it is smarter, people's fate will be different from then on. On nights when the moon is full, the children catch crabs and flounder on the beach, and I also eat the flowers of the bread tree.I tore the roasted flower in half, and there was steam and a ball of white flesh coming out of it. "Is it delicious?" Gomel asked me. "It tastes like bread," I said. Gemel said while eating: "Well, its taste is actually nothing special, but because I ate it when I was a child, I always miss it. Especially after arriving in Hong Kong, even though I have eaten a lot of delicious things, I still occasionally eat it. Wanting to eat the flowers of the bread tree is nostalgia." What I eat is miss. On this island, bread trees climbing to the blue sky can be seen almost everywhere, accompanying my loved ones. "Why didn't you see Weiwei?" I asked. "He went to work in Australia," Gemel said. "Does he have a girlfriend now?" She shook her head: "my sister told me that he has been waiting for me." "Isn't it a kind of happiness to have someone waiting for me all the time? I also hope that there is a man who will always wait for me. Is this kind of thinking very selfish?" She smiled at me: "It's better for women to be selfish." "Did you tell Weiwei that you are back?" She shook her head. She said sadly: "I don't want him to be sad. Although he looks so strong, he is actually very fragile inside." I laughed: "Didn't you say that women should be more selfish? Why didn't you ask him to come back to accompany you? He is willing." She smiled: "I'm not selfish to that extent either!" "You're still unselfish," I said. "You're not selfish either." "What a failure! It's happier to be selfish." "That's right!" We look at each other and smile. Then she picked up the fishing net beside her and said: "Let's go catch flounder!" We walked into the sea with bare feet, and the moon in the water dominates the passage of time.In Brittany, people like to divide things into things done by God and things done by the devil, horses are made by God and donkeys are made by the devil.The sun was created by God, and the moon was created by the devil.So, who created man and who created woman?Man is perhaps the only being created with the cooperation of God and the Devil.We are both God and the devil, in love, sometimes too great to believe in ourselves, and sometimes too selfish to recognize ourselves. Life should be created by God, right?Death, then, was created by the devil.It is said that God is basically a committee, and the committee has too many opinions, which often slow things down.The devil walks alone, and when he wants to take someone away, you may not even have time to say goodbye. The seaplane rumbled off the sea, getting farther and farther away from the ground. "Is it fun?" Gomel asked me. We took a tour around the island in a "Turtle Air" seaplane that only fits four people. "I used to play it when I was a kid," she said. We become birds with wings and fly above Viti Levu. For many days in Fiji, I didn't feel that there were many people here, but once I looked down from the sky, I found that the beach was full of people, like ants, living like a dream. "The date of the concert has been decided," she said. I was so sad that I couldn't speak, and the concert meant the time to say goodbye. "I didn't expect to hold another concert so soon! This time, I can sing "The Direction of Flowers Blooming"." She said naively. "Sing when it's brother An?" "Now, this song doesn't seem to be suitable for Brother An. It's too miserable. I'm afraid I will cry." She smiled at me and said, "If Lin Fangwen is not dead, how good would it be? He can help me Write a beautiful elegy, and that would be perfect." "Things are not perfect at all, and people who pursue perfection are stupid." I said. She smiled: "Are you talking about yourself? You have always pursued perfection." "Am I?" I asked in surprise. "Don't you know it yourself? You're a perfectionist." I smiled: "So I know perfection is impossible." "You already have a perfect love." "That's because he is no longer here. What is lost is the best." "Well, once you leave, it will become eternity. I will also become eternity." She said longingly. I smiled: "I'm so jealous of you!" She laughed: "Look at my mother, there are wrinkles all over her face, although those wrinkles are cute. But, you will never have the chance to see my wrinkles, and you will never see my slack body." "If you keep talking, I don't want to live anymore." "But, this is not my choice, just like birth, it's just a coincidence." She smiled wryly. At dusk, the sun went into the sea, and the plane began to land.The moment I looked back suddenly, I was surprised to find a familiar face. There is a white boat on the sea, and there is a person lying in the boat, all white, drifting with the water. Impossible, I must be wrong. Didn't I also once think it was him sitting in that armchair at home? I pressed my face against the window, trying to get a better look, but the boat had disappeared. "What are you looking at?" Gomel asked me. I turned around and told her in panic, "I seem to see Lin Fangwen." "Where?" "I saw him in a boat." I pointed her in that direction. She looked down and saw nothing. "It's gone now," I said. "Are you mistaken?" she said. The plane landed on the sea, causing huge waves.A white boat came to take us ashore. How could Lin Fangwen be still alive?He has lived into eternity. On my last day in Fiji, I went alone to the beach where the plane took off that day. The plane disappeared, and the sea was full of flowers floating.This day is a Hindu festival. People throw flowers into the sea according to the tradition. The bright red bougainvillea, pink hibiscus and white frangipani are colorful and gorgeous, spreading out an endless sea of ​​flowers. People swim in the sea of ​​flowers swimming. I threw the frangipani in my arms into the sea, hoping that it would turn into a white boat and sail towards eternal thoughts. What I saw that day may not be a person, but a lingering ghost. When I was about to say goodbye, I turned around and exhorted me mischievously, and then disappeared suddenly. I am in the sky, he is in the sea, separated by an untouchable distance, we say treasure again, calling back the most miserable hug. Missing, like a flood, is flooding. He is so hateful, he always wants to see me cry before he gives up, but he doesn't know that I have grown up and I don't cry so easily anymore. He forgot that in the long river of time, he has not grown old, but I am not as young as him. The sun was setting, and people left the sea of ​​flowers one after another.Someone lit fires one after another on the beach and started grilling food.Amidst the tangy smell of meat, stringed instruments and drums were played, beaters and children sang and danced together, celebrating the end of the day and seeing you next year. A little curly-haired mixed-race girl came and pulled me to dance. We formed a big circle, as well as American and Japanese tourists, dancing together obsessively. I danced around on the beach.Looking back suddenly, in the shadowy crowd, I was surprised to find a familiar face. He was beating a drum by the fire and singing happily. Across the flickering fire, we looked at each other in amazement.His hand stayed in the air, and the little girl who was pulling me to dance just jumped onto him, hooked his neck, and let him carry it on his back.At that moment, a red-haired foreign woman walked up to him, hugged his waist affectionately, and kissed the little girl. The little girl mischievously covered his eyes with both hands, and he pulled her hand away. In the afterglow of the last twilight, what separated us was not a fire, but countless past events, a mountain away. He looked at me, who had lost his soul, in embarrassment. Gamel was sitting on the stone steps in front of the house, and when she saw me, she stood up and asked: "Where have you been? I thought you were lost!" "I saw Lin Fangwen." I said. "Did you recognize the wrong person again?" "He played drums on the beach." "Could you be a ghost?" She looked in disbelief. "He's not dead," I said. She looked at me in surprise, and I could tell she didn't know.If she had known the truth, she would not have asked me to come to Fiji. "You mean he's not dead, and he's still playing drums on the beach?" "yes." "Impossible." She shook her head. "It's not impossible. After the accident, no one found his body." "Take me to see." She took my hand. "He's not going to stay there anymore, he's found me." "Could it be that people are similar?" "Do you think I will admit the wrong person?" The moment I saw him, I also thought it was just a man who looked like him, or even just an illusion. However, when he looked back at me, he didn't need to speak, he didn't need any proof. Beside the fire was the man with whom I had the hottest time of my life. "Did you talk to him?" Gomel asked. I shook my head: "He already has a wife and children." "Wife and children?" She opened her mouth and stared at me blankly. "Ok." "How old is that kid?" "Four or five years old." "That's impossible. He's been missing for only two years." "In short, he has a very intimate woman." "Then why is he hiding?" "Does he need a reason for what he does?" Gemel suddenly said: "Isn't that great? Lin Fangwen is not dead! He is not dead! Didn't you always hope so?" "But, Gomel," I said angrily, "this joke is too big!" Flight attendants dimmed the lights in the cabin and people went to sleep. Gemel's last words echoed in my heart, didn't I always hope that Lin Fangwen didn't die? He is not dead, I should be happy, why am I disappointed, even angry and sad? I finally understood why Lin Ri gave me a sum of money, saying it was Lin Fangwen's wish, and why she lied to me that she was going to India but came to Fiji. She is the only one who knows that Lin Fangwen is not dead. I thought of a thousand reasons for him why he had to pretend to be dead, but there was no reason I could convince myself to forgive. What I saw in the sky was not a ghost. I jumped into the sea to bid farewell to the one I love, how ridiculously stupid it seems now? The person I miss day and night has already forgotten me and lives happily. I hate him, I hate him as he is alive.In the past two years, the eternal love that I enshrined in my heart was completely shattered at the moment of reunion. The plane slowly landed on the land I was familiar with, but I didn't know how to face my previous life. I went home with my luggage, the door opened, and a smiling face was waiting for me there. "Are you back? Did you eat anything? I stewed soup, fish and vegetables. You must not be used to Fiji food." Du Weiping said eloquently. I put down my luggage and look down for my slippers. "Are you looking for slippers? It's in your room." He smiled. "Oh, thank you." I go to my bedroom. "Are you tired?" he asked concerned. I stood there, took a deep breath, turned to him and said: "Lin Fangwen is not dead yet, I saw him in Fiji." He looked at me in surprise. We looked at each other helplessly, not knowing what to say. On the day we broke up at the station, I thought that when I came back, a sweet new life would open up for me. Did he believe that too?We wait in thoughts.I thought, when I got home, I wouldn't have stage fright again, and we'd have a big hug.However, at the last moment, this desire is lost again. "I'm not hungry, you can eat by yourself." I said wearily. I turned the doorknob, walked barefoot into the room, and turned on the lamp waiting for my return. Under the light, I was surprised to see pink fur slippers all over the bed, one pair next to the other, all of which looked the same.The pink color sweetens the room at night. A sore nose welled up in my heart. I covered my face and stood in front of the bed, unable to describe the complicated mood. The sky is getting brighter, and sleep is like the past, drifting slowly and helplessly, and I close my eyes tiredly. When I woke up, it was already dusk. I went out of the living room, turned on the light, and found a note on the table.Du Weiping said that he will be away for a few days, it's nothing, it's just that he hasn't had a holiday for a long time, and he really wants to go out for a walk.He also apologized to me for not telling me first.He put the squatted soup in the refrigerator. I took the bowl of vegetable soup out of the refrigerator and heated it up, feeling sad and depressed, but also strangely relieved that, for a moment, I didn't have to face him and ruminate about our relationship. I drank soup alone in the house, and as I drank it, it seemed that I was not so sad, leaving only a sense of loss.One day two years ago, I moved in with all my belongings, and one day two years later, he left, leaving me behind.Looking back on the years I lived with him, what can I complain about?Even if our story were to end like this, it would not detract from its beauty. I put down the bowl in my hand, walked to the front of the fish tank, and bent over to look at the fish in the tank. Apart from the long-time relationship, they have no other meaning now. I went to take a bath, and the loss in my heart gradually dissipated a little.Love is beautiful, but it is also tiring. How much do I yearn for a person's freedom?From then on, there is no need to reincarnate in bitter thoughts.Suddenly, I felt so much lighter, I even sang in the bathtub.I have decided that as long as others love me in the future, I will not love anyone that much again.I imagined myself turning into a heartless woman.How beautiful is ruthlessness?I won't get hurt again, no more. This ecstasy continued for many days, and then everything changed.I couldn't help thinking of Du Weiping. The house was full of his breath.On the way home, I was left alone, and the stars were silent. I stepped on the dead leaves on the ground and walked past his small restaurant, hoping to see him come back, but, every time, this hope also failed. "I'm back!" Gemel said on the other end of the phone.A lively voice came from the microphone. "It's noisy over there." I said. "My family is here and staying at my house, Beethoven is so excited!" Then, she said, "May I come to see you?" Later, she came. She sat down in the armchair and said: "I've met Lin Fangwen." "How did you find him?" "Did you forget that there is my land?" "Didn't he hide?" I said coldly. "He almost died," she said. "During that dive, he was swept away by a rapid and drifted at sea for six days. If it hadn't been for many days of continuous rain, he could have lived on the rainwater. He was already dead. When a fishing boat passed by and rescued him, he was sunburned all over his body and lay in the hospital for more than ten days. I don’t know how he lived those days.” "Then why didn't he come back?" Gemel shrugged and smiled: "He wanted to live another life." "That doesn't require pretending to be dead." "Only in this way can we live another life, start again in a new place, and forget the previous life." "I've lived another life myself, but left the pain to others. Isn't that irresponsible?" I said angrily. "He didn't know that you would break up with Han Xingyu because of this." "What does it matter? He's married," I said. "He's not married. The French woman is his girlfriend, and the little girl was born to her ex-husband." "What difference does that make? He's happily living another life." "Cheng Yun, it's not the first time you met Lin Fangwen, right? You know he is such a person." I am speechless.Yes, he has always been such a person, why don't I understand?In the past, I used to be afraid that one day he would quietly leave me to find that ethereal self. "He'll be back in a few days," said Gomel. I asked in surprise, "What did he come back for?" "I invited him to come back to attend my farewell concert. He promised to help me write a song, an elegy. You said that life is not perfect, isn't it perfect now?" She smiled at me. I don’t know the answer. Is this kind of perfection considered perfect? "Isn't it ridiculous? He didn't die, but I was going to die." She said with a smile. I thought what I was afraid of was the moment of farewell, but it turned out that I was also afraid of reunion. A few nights later, I was standing on the balcony of the bookstore when I suddenly heard footsteps in the silence. I turned around and saw Lin Fangwen standing in front of me. "Hi!" He greeted me with a smile. "When did you come back?" "Yesterday," he said. Then he asked, "Is this your bookstore? It's beautiful." "Really?" I smiled. "Are you the only one taking care of it?" "There is another assistant. He is off work. Are you the only one coming back?" He nodded. After a silence passed, he said: "Gemier said that you are very successful now, and she also said that you are studying Chinese medicine." "It's nothing, is it? Did she tell you a lot about me?" "No, not a lot." "I didn't expect to see you in Fiji," he continued. I laughed coldly: "I didn't think about it either. I thought I saw a ghost!" He looked unreasonable and kept silent. "If I hadn't met you, you would have been hiding for the rest of your life. I'm so sorry." He remained silent. I got angry: "Don't you think you are selfish? You just need to tell everyone that you can also live a new life." "At that time, I felt unhappy and wanted to get rid of my previous life. I didn't think so much." He said apologetically. "Do you think other people will be happy? Do you know how much I blamed myself? Do you know how I lived during those days? I thought you would never come back!" My throat choked and I couldn't continue. "At that time, I thought you didn't love you anymore." He said pitifully. I was speechless, and tears welled up in my eyes. "Isn't it too late to say such things now?" I wiped the tears from my face. We looked at each other in silence.Finally, he said: "When I was lying in the hospital, I really wanted to see you, I really wanted to call you, and I really wanted to hear your voice again. But, I think, I should not ruin your new life." "You knew I'd come." I choked out. "You've come and still can't resolve our differences," he said. "We've never been able to get along." "That's because you lied to me time and time again! I've been lied to enough by you, including this time." I said angrily. "I thought that as long as I left, it would be good for everyone and you would forget me." "Lin Fangwen, don't say it so high-sounding, you are only for yourself." "If I can't understand myself, I can't understand you," he said. "How do you understand now?" "At least, I know a little more about love." "What do you know?" I smiled embarrassingly. "Love means fulfillment," he said. "Ah! Yes, thank you for fulfilling me, you let me know that without you, I can still live well! You let me know that when others are cruel to me, I will love myself more! You let me I know that the one I love has never loved me as much as I thought." "I love it," he said. "Nonsense! You're already in love with someone else!" "I just want to live another life and forget you." A burst of self-pity welled up in my heart, and I said sadly: "You go. Anyway, you came back for Gomel, not me. You are right, you really shouldn't ruin my new life. " He looked at me helplessly. In the long silence, we could only hear each other's breathing. Finally, he said, "I'm leaving." As he turned away, I said: "do you know?" He looked back at me, those eyes I will never forget, waiting for me to speak. With tears in my eyes, I said in a hoarse voice: "I'd rather not know you're still alive, then I'll miss you forever and always believe that the days with you are the best times of my life!" We looked at each other in silence.Then, I turned my face away, leaned against the railing, and heard the sound of him leaving, those footsteps that I thought I would never hear again. Didn't I look forward to this reunion?I went so far as to tell him that I'd rather not know that he was still alive.He's right, we've never been able to get along. We can never resolve our differences unless we never see each other. Wearing a loose white gown and a shoulder-length wig with bangs, Gomel has been sitting in a high-backed red velvet armchair in the center of the stage since the opening. Only a few lights were turned on on the stage, but beads of sweat still rolled down her face.Through the microphone, we hear her heavy breathing and numerous short pauses as she sings each song.But who cares? Everyone who should be here has come, her family, fans, friends.Beethoven also came, squatting faithfully under the stage, intoxicated by the master's last singing.There are too many people, Xiao Zhe, me, and Da Chong can only stay on the console. There has never been a concert like this. Everyone clapped their hands, shed tears of farewell, and occasionally heard low sobs.The shining star on the stage insists on using his own way to reach the end of his life. She began to sing "The Direction of Flowers".After singing the last line, she closed her eyes. She closed her eyes for a long, long time, and we gradually couldn't hear her breath. The music had already stopped, and during the long wait, Gomel's three older sisters sobbed. Suddenly, Gemeler's knees swayed, eyes slowly opened, looked at her three sisters, and said mischievously: "I'm not gone, I'm still here, and I still have a song to sing!" We all laughed. "I close my eyes and just want to remember this moment forever," she said with a smile. Then she took a breath and said: "The reason for holding this concert is selfish. I don't want you to remember me forever, but I hope you will accompany me on the final journey. The only thing I fear is the loneliness of parting." After a short pause, she said: "Life is as short as the morning dew and I want to thank everyone who has loved me: my family, my friends, my fans, my lovers. I'm just going to live another life. I will miss you all. " She took a sip of water and continued: "There is no time for the place I am going to. When you feel that time has passed, I will still be as young as I am now. This is the only good thing I can think of temporarily." After a long pause, she panted slightly and said: "Time is always too short for those who are about to leave. The moment I knew I was sick, I decided to sing a song and walk towards the end of my life. How happy is it to leave with my own singing?" There were sad sobs from the audience, and I burst into tears, and someone next to me handed me a handkerchief.I turned around and saw Du Weiping.A wave of sadness welled up in my heart. I pursed my lips and covered my face with my handkerchief to prevent myself from crying in front of him. "Now, I'm going to sing the last song." Gemel said weakly, "Thank you Lin Fangwen for writing me an elegy. I may be the only one who can sing the elegy by myself." She changed her posture, looked at Lin Fangwen who was sitting with the band, and said, "It's very unfair! Everyone thought Lin Fangwen was dead, but it turned out that he wasn't dead, but I was going to die." She paused, and then said: "Dead animals sometimes become pet cans. Fortunately, dead people don't." There were bursts of laughter from the audience. Then, Gemel stood up and walked to the front of the stage. The melody of the piano and violin gradually rose from the stage. With the microphone in her hand, she sang her last song with her deep voice. The music stopped and the lights on the stage went out one by one.Gemel returned to the armchair, and the lifting platform carrying the armchair sank slowly, and then disappeared. All young farewells can't be happy, right? I pushed open the door of the dressing room, and Beethoven came over, licked me, and then turned around and squatted next to Gomel.Its soft-hearted eyes have been staring at the owner. The room was filled with flowers from friends and fans, all yellow roses, which Gomel had requested.White flowers are sad, black flowers are sad, only yellow flowers are the color of parting and reunion. At this moment, Gemel was sitting in front of the dressing table, thinking deeply. "Hi! Are you tired?" I walked up to her. She opened her eyes and smiled wearily: "A little bit!" "You did a great job today." I sat down against the dresser. She smiled brightly: "I didn't expect that I could finish singing!" "Have you talked to Lin Fangwen?" she asked. I nodded. "How about it?" I shook my head. “你还在生他的气吗？” “他不是很自私吗？那些日子，我每天用回忆来折磨自己，我数不清自己在夜里哭过多少遍，我不知道我是怎么熬过来的，而他却逍遥快活！” “可是，你又有什么损失呢？”她忽然说。 我望着她，哑然无语。 她继续说：“你不也是过着另一种人生吗？而且比从前丰盛。要不是以为林方文死了，你也许还是从前那个程韵，以为爱情是人生的全部。” 我没好气的说：“你是他派来的吗？” 她笑了：“你还爱他吗？” “一点都不了。” “真的吗？”她一副不相信的样子。 “我不会再跟他一起。” “谁能够说得那么肯定？” “我能够。” “你已经爱上杜卫平了？” “我和林方文，是以前的事了，现在看起来，已经太遥远。” “程韵，”她呼了一口气，虚弱地说：“人要对自己诚实。” “我一向也对自己诚实。”我哽咽着说，“这一次，他也不是为我回来的。” “那是因为我要死了！难道你想跟我交换吗？如果你发生什么事，我相信他也会回来的。他不是叫他姐姐拿钱给你吗？他一直也很关心你。” “已经过去了，我们再没可能。”我抹去眼角的泪水。 “你真是愈来愈固执。” 我笑笑说：“我是的。” 然后，她说：“我今天早上用电话告诉了威威。” “为什么现在才告诉他？” 他微笑打趣说：“也许我一直恨他吃了我们养的那只鹅。” 我笑了：“他怎么样？” “他哭得很厉害，问我为什么不早点告诉他。” "Will he come?" “他搭中午的班机来。”她沙哑着声音说。 我拍拍她的肩膀：“看他对你多么好！” “林方文应该在外面的，你出去跟他谈谈吧！我换了衣服就出来，我们一起去吃东西。我饿坏了！”她摸着肚子说。 “嗯。”我站起来。 她忽然问：“我会不会太晚才通知威威？” 我看看墙上的钟，说：“不会的，从澳洲来这里，八小时飞机，他应该差不多到了，快点换衣服吧。” 她照着镜子，在镜子里向我微笑： “那我要换一个化妆，这个妆太浓了。” 我拉开了门，贝多芬突然走上来，咬住我的裤脚，我吃惊地望着它，想要把它甩开，它还是咬住不放，我用手把它推开了。 我靠在走廊的墙上，打从心底害怕起来。被贝多芬咬着，是意味着我会有什么不测吗？我太迷信了，竟然相信那么无稽的事情。 林方文跟乐队的人一起，看见了我，他走过来。 “你的脸色很苍白，你没事吧？”他问。 我摇了摇头，说：“那首歌写得很好，但愿我也有一首这么动听的挽歌。” “我倒宁愿用不着写这首歌。”他说。 “威威正在赶来。”我说。“我看见。” “很久没见他了。” “我也是。第一次见到他的时候，我看见他皮肤黑黑的，头发短而鬈曲，还以为他是土著。”我笑笑说。 “我在海上被救起的时候，已经暴晒了几天，人们也以为我是土著。” 我们相视而笑了。 “什么时候回去斐济？”我问。 “还没决定。”他说。 “还会潜水吗？” "why not?" “你不怕死吗？” 他朝我微笑：“怕死便不会回来。” “听说你女朋友是法国人。”我说。 “是的，她在普罗旺斯出生。”他说。 “普罗旺斯？”我喃喃地说，难以相信世事竟然如此巧合。在我们分开的岁月里，却好像曾经打了个照面。 “你去过那里吗？”他问。 “还没去过，也许会去。”我说，“你呢？” He shook his head. “你什么时候会结婚？”我问，“那个小女孩很可爱，你们看起来像一家人。” 他窘迫地笑了笑，又有些难过。 我们终于能够和平共处，却已经没法回到从前的时光了。 化妆室里，突然传来贝多芬在门边呜呜咽咽的声音，听起来像哭声。林方文和我冲了进去。 葛米儿伏在那张梳妆台上，手里还拿着一个落妆的棉球，已经没有气息了。 一艘白船载着葛米儿的骨灰在熹微的晨光中出发，航向贝卡礁湖。 船停了，她的家人把她的骨灰撒向海里，这是她的遗愿。 谁又会想到，最后长眠在那片美丽的礁湖底下的，是葛米儿？ 我坐在窗边，把摇铃抱在怀里。那天在告别演唱会上，当最后一首歌唱完，我回过头去，已经不见了杜卫平。 每天早上，当我离家上班，无数陌生人打我身边走过，我才忽然明白了生命里的缺失。我以为爱情是一个人的事，对他的思念却无助地在心里千百次回荡。 他还会回答我的呼唤吗？我轻轻摇了摇手上的摇铃。 突然之间，门铃响了，我以为是他，连忙跑去开门。 站在门外的，只是一个送包裹来的邮差。 直到第二天晚上，我在昏睡中醒来的时候，听到了一点声音。我走出去，看到杜卫平在厨房的流理台上，刀法优雅地切着一棵新鲜的椰菜。 “你回来啦？”我轻声说。 他抬起头，脸上带着微笑说：“你吃了饭没有？我买了鱼和菜，还有龙虾，很快可以吃了。” 他终究是听到了我的呼唤。 我走上去，把自己挂在他背上。深锅里的水开始咕嘟咕嘟冒泡，他掀开盖子，灵巧地把一只龙虾“咚”的一声扔了进去，一眨眼便已经把鱼煎得芳香四溢，还煮好了一锅菜汤。我看着这个男人以无比的柔情为我烹调一顿庆祝我们重聚的飨宴。 “我走啦！”小哲跟我说。 “明天见。”我说。 地上叠满了书，我和小哲整天忙着把今天送来的新书分门别类。 小哲走了，我把阳台的门关上，突然感到一阵晕眩，我闭上了眼睛，有好几秒钟，脑里一片空白，也许是太疲倦的缘故吧。 我靠在墙上，看着我的书店。面包与花草茶的芬芳依然在空气里飘荡，有那么一刻，我几乎不敢相信，这个梦想是我的。对于人生，我也不应该有什么苛求了。 邮差那天送来的包裹，是一卷录影带。 我把录影带放进电视机里。 葛米儿站在告别演唱会的舞台上，对着镜头微笑摇手，说： “嗨！程韵！没想到还会见到我吧？我们正在彩排。那首挽歌，林方文还有另外一个版本，想送给你留念。” 林方文手上的那把“蝴蝶牌”口琴是我们刚相识的时候，我做兼职储钱买给他的，没想到他还留在身边。 看着他低着头，凝神吹着歌，拿些青涩岁月的回忆忽尔穿过岁月在我心中鲜明。 歌唱完了，他向我再道一次再见。 他便是这么可恶的，总是要让我流泪。 那一年，在布列塔尼，当夜空上最后一朵烟花坠落，我仰望飘渺的穹苍，恳求上帝，让我许一个愿： 在天国与人间，请容我斗胆交换，只要他活着回来，我答应不再爱他。 离别纵然寂寥，我没有胆量不守信诺。 最美好的爱，是成全。我爱的人，又是否理解，我是卑微的小鸟，收起高飞的翅膀，用我的遗憾，成全了他的归来？ (full text)