Chapter 2 Dawn Says Goodnight - Fragments of the Past

That day I stood at the station by the side of the road and waited for the bus. I was going to a teacher's house for tutoring. There were thousands of test papers and reference books in my schoolbag.A beautiful boy walked by me, carrying a black guitar, worn jeans, long hair fluttering in the wind, with an innocent and arrogant expression on his face, humming a repetitive melody, I Know it's a Pink Floyd song.He whistled loudly as he passed me.I lowered my head quietly, I seemed to think of something, but I immediately shook my head and smiled.But I don't know why I am laughing, but I know that those soft dust falling from the ceiling will never appear in my life again.

My name is Chen Shu, and I live in the southwest corner of China.A lot of time is studying, a lot of time is silent, little time is watching TV, and little time is sleeping.This is my life now, day in and day out. As for my past life, I can't say a word. It has been carved into my life, leaving deep traces, running through my blood vessels day and night, refusing to stop.And, all the while singing in despair. And the singing melody is broken and gorgeous.Like the tragic withering and drifting away of cherry blossoms in late spring. I live in a three-story wooden house, with my parents at the bottom, me in the middle, and a boy named Yan Xu on the top floor who is one year older than me.Life is silent, rock music hears death.

When Yan Xu came to rent the house, he carried two big boxes. He only said two words to my mother, the first sentence was: I came to rent the house.When my mother told him the conditions, his second sentence was: good.Then he went up with the box. I remember the day I tried to help him with a suitcase, but it was very heavy.He said to me, no, thank you.But still expressionless. After a long time I learned that those two boxes were full of CDs, nothing but rock and roll.And when I say a long time later it's really a long time later, because by then I'd been running upstairs all night, all night, listening to rock 'n' roll until dawn.I remember that Yan Xu would always stand in front of that small window at dawn, stretch out his fingers to change the shadows in the light, and then he would say, look, another day has passed like this.There was no emotion in the voice but it was full of sadness.I always wanted to see what his eyes looked like at that time, but he always stood in front of the window with his back to me.When the light surges into the room, Yan Xu's back is always like a cloud of smoke, gradually dissipating.

After Yan Xu moved to my upstairs, every night I would hear the sound of the ceiling vibrating, and then there would be soft dust falling from it, landing on my hair and shoulders.I didn't tell my dad all this because I knew why.Yan Xu always puts on headphones at night, turns up the volume to the point where the ears can be deafened, and then dances in the room to the beat of the drums.I remember that day when I stood outside his door, I saw Yan Xu dancing through the half-covered door. He danced in the darkness and silence, like a black elf. Later he found me standing outside the door. He looked at me without speaking, with a childlike expression of resistance on his face.The two of us stood there in the dark, silent to each other.Finally, he came over, took off the headphones, handed them to me and said, do you want to? Listen to it.

Then I laughed and I said you come down with me.I didn't actually do anything by asking him to come downstairs, I just showed him my entire drawer of CDs, and he laughed.There are beautiful dimples at the corner of the mouth, like a child who doesn't grow up. We have become very good friends since that day.inseparable. I'm not a gloomy kid, I grew up in a discreet home with refined possessions, clean looks and good grades.My mother collected all my awards and certificates, and it took me a long time to look at them one by one. But I still have despair in my heart, but I can't even tell what it is. I can only hear violent music and painful cries in my ears, and I see a distorted oil painting, and I see a scene on a strange road. Stranger Zhang endured the painful face, wandering in the street full of neon lights but couldn't find the direction, when I picked up the phone but didn't know who to call and finally put it down gently, I saw those hidden words. The blackness in my heart rushes out from my chest, wandering in front of my eyes into a black river--

Crash, clatter, run forward in despair. Yan Xu told me that he used to live in a 9-square-meter house on the edge of the city, which was also the third floor of a wooden loft.He says he has a deep attachment to the top floor of a wooden attic.Because you can find a skylight, open it, and see the stars.I remember in a Japanese movie, there was a teenager on the edge, he lived in a dark attic, he hugged his guitar every day, and plucked the same chord all night long, at the end of the movie, it was a scene The cherry blossoms withered tragically. Under the cherry blossom tree was the girl who had been waiting for him all night. The boy did not dare to go down because he felt that he was not worthy of her.Then it was the girl who limped away.Because I stood all night, my feet were already numb, and then the film ended in a hurry, as if we were growing up and at a loss.The last line of the film was said by the girl who raised her head to the window, and she said: Please open the window when it dawns, and say good night to me.Because I'm leaving, I'm really leaving.

Yan Xu always played music all night and all night in that house, and the sound shook fine dust from the ceiling. He always roared loudly and waved his limbs wantonly in it. He said that feeling was like a Suicide over and over again, but never succeed.There was still no expression on his face when he told me this. And I'm always used to wearing headphones.I can't just expose myself to other people like that.Sometimes when I walk through the empty classroom at school, I will meet my classmates. They ask me what I listen to, and I say it is Hong Kong pop music.In fact, at that time, the sound in my ears was so loud that it was driving me crazy.

I don't know why I like to listen to rock, there is no melody, no perfect singing, but I still buy stacks of CDs.I remember once I found almost all NICK CAVE CDs in a video store five stops away from my house, including the first "Tender Prey" and the last "Murder Ballads".Finally, I came out of that video store penniless, and went home full of joy with the CDs I just bought and a piece of "Let Love ln" that the boss gave me.I walked back.Walking through those unfamiliar streets, looking at the twilight when the lights are on, seeing a few women rushing home with vegetables, seeing the bus jingling in the direction of their own home passing by, at the corner of a street I stopped suddenly, but I didn't know what happened to me.

When I got home, I forgot the time. I only knew that my parents' faces were not very good-looking.But they believed in me.They asked me to eat, but I didn't. I hurried up to the third floor to find Yan Xu. I forgot the time I went home that day, but I remembered the name of the video store: broken.And the female boss, beautiful but without any makeup, disheveled hair and dry skin, taciturn, only her eyes are still bright and sharp.But when I went again, I couldn't find that store anymore.I asked the surrounding residents, but they looked at me blankly, as if they were looking at a weird person.Po disappeared, as if completely evaporated.So much so that when I touched those NICK CAVE CDs after a long time, I felt that it was an illusion, gorgeous, but it would break when touched.

Yan Xu and I always like to sit on the bridge and let the black wind keep blowing our hair.The cars that scurry past us always throw their sharp headlights in our faces, and I whistle loudly when a pretty girl walks by, and then laugh wildly.Yan Xu always smiled at this time, very silent. Yan Xu and I always sneaked down from upstairs after my parents fell asleep, then climbed over the iron gate and ran to the street.That iron gate has left stains of rust on my clothes many times.Every time we successfully ran out, Yan Xu would always yell in the busy street, saying that this is the mentality we should have after escaping.He always likes to use the word escape, because it is very tragic.

Sometimes we just wander the streets aimlessly, like two ghosts who died in the middle of the night.When we met a 24-hour supermarket, we went in to buy coffee, and then held paper cups and breathed white air through the cold streets at midnight in winter.When you see the beautiful billboards, you shout: Ah! A masterpiece! Yan Xu is an art student, and his ideal is to advertise.I have seen his paintings, layers of colors are blurred, the picture is full of abstract color blocks, sometimes a lot of messy and twisted lines, intertwined with each other, like the treble of some Italian operas, winding and winding. It felt like it was going to break, gradually tightening until it was starved of oxygen. We always like to walk on strange roads, visit strange neighborhoods, and call some friends in strange phone booths at dawn to say good night to them.I don't know if it's for the novelty or for the indifference between strangers.Yan Xu said that he doesn't like being with many people because of the noise.And I don't like to be with people who are very talkative, especially people who are very talkative, because I don't feel safe. I have always liked a saying: I like silent people because they are kind. Once, Yan Xu and I passed a noisy street filled with neon lights.The bars are connected to each other.Yan Xu took me into a loud bar, and he told me that he had many music-loving friends in it, and they were all silent and kind. When I listen to rock CDs, I am used to turning the volume up to the sky, but after 10 minutes after I went in, I felt like I was going to die with a headache. Countless metal noises squeezed into my ears. Those who move their bodies and those who are intoxicated feel sad for a while.Later Yan Xu pulled me out, he looked at me and said nothing, just shook his head.When we turned to leave, I saw a very quiet girl rushing out of the door, then squatted on the side of the road and vomited. Yan Xu told me that he knew this girl, who was a senior in a key high school, but fell in love with one of his rock friends. She often ran in to prove her love, but she was always caught by the shaking voice. Shocked to vomit. Looking at her plain face, I felt depressed, but I still stood there and looked at her.Suddenly I remembered what Shu Qi said in "The Music and Road of Beijing": There are many ways to commit suicide, one of which is to find a boyfriend who plays rock and roll, which is the most enjoyable, because it is both painful and fast. As I was leaving, I looked back at the flashing captions on the door, and it turned out that the name of the bar was Earthquake. Suddenly, I remembered what Qing He once told me, "I love rock and roll deeply, because I love the person who loves rock and roll deeply." I once told FOX about Yan Xu, and then FOX sent a message, he said: He must always be wearing black clothes and carrying colorful drawing boards and walking through the city silently.I asked him how he knew, and he said no reason, people who like rock and painting are like that. FOX graduated from the best university. He grew up in a superior family and his grades are enviable.But he writes rock music review columns on almost all portals across the country.I asked him if anyone around him knew that you wrote rock music reviews? He said no, he said that almost no people around him knew that he listened to rock music, and there were girls who admired him and kept giving him Hong Kong love song CDs.I said that you really hid well enough, and he was right, so his name is FOX.But he told me that when he was not in school, he was a bit like a little punk, with a black guitar on his back, messy hair, and a haggard face, rushing across the street to wait for his band in the low-rise bungalow in the suburbs.He told me his band is called "Broken".I suddenly remembered the video store that had appeared in this city, but I didn't have the courage to ask him. I know FOX because I like his forum, and I always post posts in it, and the time is almost always in the early morning.Later I told him about an error in his article, and he wrote me back and thanked me.Then I easily became his friend, and asked him to send me Beijing CDs every now and then.Among them, my favorite "Crash into Kunlun" was also given to me by him, and it is said that it is extremely difficult to find. So I kept receiving packages. One day my mother saw the cover of a CD from the damaged envelope. A man was tearing his chest open with his hands. My mother was surprised and asked me if I was threatened. FOX and I were in the same city, which was a bit dramatic; I would always stop on the street with a black guitar and ask him if you were FOX, and of course get a lot of blank stares.Once Yan Xu also walked up to me with a black guitar on his back, and then he smiled and said to me, guess I am FOX. Actually, I really want FOX and Yan Xu to get to know each other, I think it must be very interesting. The first person who introduced me to rock and roll was Lin Lan, my deskmate in junior high school.She always listened to the CD during class, with her hair hanging down over her ears, and I would bump her arm when the teacher asked her a question, and then she stood up slowly and took the answer I had written down in a loud voice. Read it out loud and smile at the teacher, then sit down and listen to the CD.The feet beat the rhythm one by one below. One of the first CDs she gave me was Nirvana's In Utero.When I finished listening to it and returned it to her, she asked me if it sounded good? I said it sounded good, so she said I would give it to you. Lin Lan's parents divorced when she was fifteen, but she didn't follow either party. She lived alone in a 140-square-meter apartment in the city center. The walls of the room were covered with oil paintings and There is a title under each oil painting.It was taken by herself.She said that the main purpose of her life is to keep buying oil paintings to hang on the wall and give them new names. She said that she once had a dream to open a big gallery and wait for interesting people to come in.I asked her why she used the word "once", she looked at me and said in a mocking tone, it's very simple, because now I have no dreams to do, listen to the song until dawn, and then say good night to myself. When I went to her house for the first time, I was standing at the door of the living room and couldn't go in, because there were CDs and jackets scattered all over her floor, so she told me that if I thought of something, I would kick the discs under my feet. Just open it.For many weekends, I just sat on the floor of her house looking for CDs, put them in the CD player, and waited for the unexpected sound to suddenly explode in the empty room. Later, before I graduated from junior high school, Lin Lan suddenly disappeared one day.The CD she lent me the day before was still in my CD player, but the seat next to me was suddenly empty.I have been to her house many times, but the door is closed.Several times I put my ear on the door, trying to hear the sound of vibrations inside, and the sound of CD discs scattered on the ground, but inside the door, it was always as silent as a tomb.When I graduated from junior high school, I went to look for her again, but the woman who opened the door was a woman with heavy makeup, so I said sorry for the wrong search, and then left quietly. Since then, I have never seen Lin Lan again. I always think of her suddenly when I pass the gallery on the road, and I look up at the sky, only to see the birds flying around in panic, and their wings draw lonely in the sky. sound.Some people will disappear suddenly, while some people will be imprisoned in a small place for a lifetime. One winter night, Yan Xu and I were sitting in a garden in the middle of the street. I told him about Lin Lan, but I kept talking until I couldn’t stop. Yan Xu didn’t say anything, but at the end I covered my face with my hands and remained silent. Only then did he say in a low voice that people who love painting are inherently lonely, because they always try to find the life they yearn for in the painting, but they don’t understand that the colors that fell on the painting have long since died. Lost. That winter night became extraordinarily cold in my memory. Yan Xu’s words, with the white water vapor exhaled from his mouth, diffused in the black and cold air, and finally disappeared, like Lin Lan in the past, without leaving any trace . The video store that Yan Xu and I often go to is called Ryefield Storm. It is a very large video store on a bustling street.Entering through the gate is pop music, then folk songs, then classical opera and musical instruments. In the innermost small room, there are full of rock CDs with beautiful covers.Every time, Yan Xu and I always walked to the innermost place without squinting. Every Saturday afternoon, Yan Xu and I would look for the CD we wanted. Yan Xu always didn't attend the last class, and sat in the corridor of my classroom door early, waiting for me to finish class.In the classroom, I looked at Yan Xu who was quietly listening to the CD outside, and felt that he was such a lonely and kind child. Someone passed by him, but no one knew the desperate cries in his ears. Yan Xu and I always like to sit on the floor and search one by one. Sometimes when we brush off the dust on the cover, we will see a line of surprise English letters, a CD that we have been looking for for a long time.The owner of that video store is a Beijinger, a very young guy with a rough personality, like those underground musicians in Beijing.He is very happy every time we go, because very few people go to the innermost.As soon as he saw us, he always took off the earphones immediately, pulled me over and said to me, come and listen, and then put on the earphones for me carelessly. Sometimes we couldn't find the disc, so he asked us to write down the name of the album, and he helped us find it.He was very generous with us and often discounted it beyond belief. Later, Yan Xu and I gave him a big painting, "Wheat Field with Crows Flying", and he hung this copy on the wall of the store. Every time he saw us, he said he liked it very much. Yan Xu said that in fact, many people who play music are very simple, as simple as children, but there are still too many people who associate them with degeneration, drug use, and promiscuity. In fact, they are just lost children with no direction. FOX has been sending me all kinds of rock magazines since I was in college. I always flip through them under the desk in class, and the pages make a rattling sound. Those magazines are full of FOX's beautiful handwriting, English lyrics in round fonts, and there are a lot of endless paragraphs.Sometimes broken petals are drawn in the blank space.Those characters were all written with black pens, and those petals were also black flowers, dark and weird, but they still opened up lonely and then withered. I always put these magazines in my school bag and take them across the city, trying to find the direction they came from.When I meet someone with a black guitar on his back, I still stop and ask him if he is FOX. FOX always introduced me to various bands and records, and then I took those unfamiliar names to Ryestorm.He always took the trouble to write his feelings about listening to songs in black ink on white printing paper, and then passed them to me via the post office.Every time it is a thick stack.I always put them in a white cardboard box, numbered, and stapled.Then throw what you want to say to him in his forum. Yan Xu likes to sketch at crowded crossroads after school in the afternoon, while I listen to music beside him.Yan Xu likes to draw those people who are in a hurry and look numb, and draw them walking across the street on the zebra crossing.He told me that the simpler the face the more hidden the story.Yan Xu's sketch characters always have no black pupils, empty eyes and expressionless faces.I asked him why, and he said, no reason, that's what I saw.The only person with eyes that Yan Xu painted at the intersection was a corpse. She was hit by a car and died in the middle of the road. Blood spread out from under her body like a lotus flower.In Yan Xu's painting, the woman who died on the road looked up to the sky, with her mouth open, as if she was about to speak. When dusk fell and the sky was getting late, Yan Xu started to pack up the drawing boards, and then we stood by the roadside for a while, and then went home.In fact, I really like the air in the evening, little by little white spots are scattered in the air, like a blurred old film.Yan Xu and I stood motionless by the side of the road, and I still dream of this scene many years later.Just like the usual technique used by directors in MTV, the pedestrians around are running fast, becoming blurred and elongated light, while the two of us standing there are so clear that we can't see it at all. We stand outside of time, they lie flat under the river, and our youth is buried in the innermost part of the cave.I couldn't hear their voices and couldn't see their faces, I only saw their lonely backs, as if saying goodbye. Yan Xu and I like to go to a coffee shop called Zhai Lue, because there is always a psychedelic rock CD in it, the sound is erratic and indistinct, and Yan Xu and I once asked the waitress who played this CD why he did it like this , but she didn't know, she took out the disc and showed it to us, but it was all in Japanese.There are paintings on the sea wall of that coffee shop, there are reproductions of famous paintings, and there are also works by children who are studying art.The floor-to-ceiling windows facing the street are big and bright. Yan Xu and I always like to sit on the street facing the street at night and watch the people hurrying outside.Once we saw a woman with exquisite makeup but a tired face kept looking at us, but kept silent.I thought she knew Yan Xu.But Yan Xu told me that actually she couldn't see the inside from the outside, she was just looking at her own shadow in the dark glass.I ran out and stood in front of the window, and I could only see my lonely figure imprinted in the glass, and behind the glass, I could only vaguely see Yan Xu's deep smile. Yan Xu continued to tell me that the same is true for those who look at the windows on the subway. Outside the windows are black tunnel walls, and there is nothing. In fact, what everyone sees is only their own thin and bright shadow. After a long time, Yan Xu and I found out the origin of the name of the coffee shop, Zhai Lue, it turned out that it was the name of the owner of the shop. Behind my house there is a dilapidated church with a pointed roof and an old rusty bell on the top. Every evening at dusk, an old man in a robe would push the striker, and then the bell would ring suddenly. There will always be a flock of pigeons parked on the roof, and they start to fly lonely in the sky.Yan Xu and I sometimes go there to listen to the singing and the clear sound of the pipe organ.I remember the first time Yan Xu and I walked in, we were both wearing headphones. Yan Xu was listening to the industrial heavy metal advocated by Godflesh, while I was listening to Nine Inch Nails' Pretty Hate Machine in the same style.When I looked at the focused faces of those praying people, I couldn't stop the noise in my ears. I took off the earphones and listened to the peaceful organ sound, but Yan Xu had an evil smile on his face and put on the earphones. , shaking his head slightly.Hair fell down over eyes. Yan Xu and I always sat between those long wooden chairs and listened to music, but I never listened to those noisy records again, and replaced them with a church singing CD.But Yan Xu didn't care so much, he still listened to rock and roll in the quiet church with the sound of pigeon wings flapping, and rock and roll heard death. Later, he said a word to me lightly, he said, you see, you still have to compromise on many things. He said it casually, but I was seriously sad. Later, Yan Xu graduated, FOX left, Lin Lan disappeared, and I was in my third year of high school. Later, every time I used this word, I felt very sad, what a helpless word, later. Yan Xu went to the Central Academy of Fine Arts in his mind, where he lived a life dependent on drawing boards and rock music.He always keeps sending the letter to my home at the speed of one letter in three days. Every time I take his letter, walk through the rusty iron gate, cross the bluestone yard, go up to the second floor, and then unfold His letters, after reading them, put them in the drawer. Yan Xu's letters are always read by me over and over again, until I can almost memorize them.Just like reading FOX's letter before, I lived my senior year of high school while listening to him tell me about Beijing's music and Beijing's paintings. I put away those magazines that FOX sent me like a waking dream, I put them in a black box, I know they like dark places.I cut off the hair that covered my eyes, and walked around the campus with a clean face.I will no longer climb the iron gate in the middle of the night and go out in the empty or crowded streets until the early morning and dawn.Once I woke up in the middle of the night, I wanted to go out, I put on my clothes and turned over the iron gate, but when I was about to turn from the highest point to the other side, I suddenly lost the urge, and I looked at the black ground under my feet. Knowing whether to dance or not, I seem to hear Yan Xu calling me outside, but I understand that there is actually no one outside. In the end, I still didn't go out, but I couldn't sleep that night.I sat under the desk lamp and wrote letters to Yan Xu. I used a black pen to write beautiful lyrics. There were a lot of paragraphs without end. At the end of the letter, I drew a lot of broken petals. Before I finished the painting, I cried .Tears fell on the letter paper, making those English no longer clear. After I finished writing, I took out this English question bank, opened a page and started to do it. ABCD quickly wrote the answers. I kept until dawn that day, but I still didn’t want to sleep. The black that gradually dissipated outside the window said, look, another day has passed like this, and then I remembered Yan Xu, who used to dance all night on the roof of my building, I raised my head, but I could no longer see the soft dust slowly falling from above . Where were you when I was burned and broken? Where were you when I was hopeless? Because the things you say and the things you do surround me. I was staring straight into the shinning sun, It has been half a year since FOX disappeared from his forum. I know he has left. Now he may be walking on the clean and beautiful streets in England covered with camphor, crossing the wet streets covered with golden yellow leaves, seeing colorful English advertisements card, saw the beautiful round characters he once wrote to me, listened to various original CDs without any Chinese, but did not write to me again.I don't know if he is happy now, but I think he should be. Later, later, FOX gave me a call in the early hours of the morning, and I had already fallen asleep because I had an exam the next day.I picked up the phone and heard a noisy voice with an extremely bad signal, and then heard a person calling my name in a questioning tone, Chen Shu?morning tree?Holding the phone, I felt that time was reversed for a moment, and the time was rushing back like a tide. I said word by word, I am Chen Shu, are you FOX? I asked him if he was FOX, just like I asked people with black guitars on the street.Then I heard him laughing on the phone, he told me he was in England, life was fine, don't worry about him.He said that he has settled down now, and he can send me letters and magazines again. He said that you will smell the CDs that have crossed the ocean. He said that there are many rock posters there, which are so exquisite that I can't imagine. He said There are countless rock musicians in the subway station there, with loose hair, singing freely until dawn. He said that the floor of his room is full of scattered discs, just like the floor of Lin Lan I told him, He said he wrote a lot of letters to me, and now they are slowly sending over. He asked me to say hello to Yan Xu on his behalf, and asked if we still went out through the iron gate in the middle of the night and walked on the deserted street.Then the signal suddenly cut off inexplicably, and the whole room fell silent all of a sudden, and I didn't say what I wanted to say. In fact, I just want to tell him that there is no need to send me CDs and magazines. It is really unnecessary, because I am now in the third year of high school and I am studying hard. After I put down the phone, I couldn't fall asleep anymore. I got up and walked on the floor barefoot. The floor was clean and cold without any dust.I looked up at the ceiling, I wanted to see if there would be dust falling from it, and if there would be dancing footsteps and Yan Xu's song "Pink" that was sung repeatedly in a room that was already empty. #8226; A Great Day For Freedom by Freud. On the day the wall came down They threw the locks onto the ground And with glasses high we raised a cry for freedom had arrived I became a really good boy, walking through the campus with a backpack and simple, solid-colored hair every day, frequently going in and out of the library, and quietly doing questions.It's just that there are still letters written by Yan Xu in my schoolbag, each heavy letter.Sometimes I will open it, and then quickly read the sentences and lyrics that I have already learned by heart at the speed of reading a page in 10 seconds, just like I once quickly flipped through the rock magazines that FOX sent me. One day when I was leaving school, I passed the music classroom and saw a poster at the door, which told me that there was a discussion about rock and roll inside.But I came out after three minutes, because when I sat down, I saw a boy with blue hair dyed on his forehead sitting on the table and said that his favorite rock band was Zero, surrounded by some little girls Looking at him seriously.I laughed quietly in the back, the man looked at me and said disdainfully, what are you laughing at, do you know who is Dick Cowboy? Do you know who is Zang Tianshuo? How do people know what rock and roll is.I laughed, I said I really don't know, I usually only listen to Andy Lau.Then I turned and left. When I closed the door of the music classroom, I smiled inexplicably. I asked myself, do I really look like a good boy? I looked up and saw the vast color of the sky. I thought, the way I used to be flamboyant, I Those once sharp edges and corners will never appear again. Then I walked home quickly with my schoolbag on my back. It was only 6 o’clock when I got home. The church bell hadn’t rung, and the pigeons hadn’t started to fly lonely. I put down my schoolbag and started to make a big picture. math test paper. I still can't sleep on the nights when there are no exams, and I just sip my coffee and do exercises all night long. FOX packages began to arrive one after another, and the magazines inside were more exquisite than I imagined.I flipped through the glossy coated paper and looked at those beautiful CD covers and those weird tattoos, drank water quietly, and then did the questions seriously. When I was tired, I flipped through magazines again, or wrote letters to Yan Xu and FOX, messily Written on scratch paper, but never sent. As for the CDs sent by FOX, I haven't listened to any of them, and I sent them all to Yan Xu in Beijing.After receiving those original CDs, Yan Xu was as happy as a child, smiling brightly on the phone.Yan Xu told me that he always listened to the CD I sent him while walking in the ancient streets and various bars in Beijing, and also walked in the crowded and noisy subway stations and the rumbling subway in Beijing.He said, it turns out that you have not compromised, you are still listening to rock music, and the discs you listen to are better than before. Every time he said that in a letter, I felt very sad. I wanted to tell him that I had compromised a long time ago, but I never had the chance to say it. Yan Xu never knew about it, as well as Fox and Lin Lan. Where have you gone? In the days of Yan Xu's third year of high school, I was still in the second year of high school. At that time, I couldn't imagine what the third year of high school meant to us.It's just that I always see some anger in Yan Xu's eyes. And now I am in my third year of high school, Yan Xu is painting lonely snow scenes in the ice and snow in Beijing. After Yan Xu left, I started to have a dream. The dream came from a painting on the wall of Lin Lan’s house. The painting was about some people squatting on the ground ready to start running. Although they were all looking forward, they all had no eyes. Just empty eye sockets.In my dream, that scene became the people around me squatting and preparing to start, including Yan Xu, Lin Lan, FOX, and me. Everyone was ready to start, but they couldn't move.Everyone was talking, but it was the same sentence, repeated and repeated. That sentence is: Let me go. In the days that followed, especially on sleepless nights, I always said to myself, after this July, let me go. There is no CD in my CD drawer, I put them all into a wooden box on the top of the wardrobe, just like when Yan Xu came to my house, I put all the CDs in the box, I always Tell myself that after this July, I will set off, take my CD, go to the city I want to go to, live in a wooden attic, dance upstairs every day, and shake off the dust. When my father saw the wooden box that day, he asked me what was in it. I wanted to tell him not to take it down, but it was too late, and the wooden box fell from the top, and the CD inside fell on the floor.I looked at the painful scratches on those dusty discs, and my heart ached. This winter means all kinds of miracles to me. First, FOX started to call me frequently. He would call me almost every week. The phone next to me would ring and display a long number.I know it's FOX.He said that his roof is now covered with thick snow, like living in a snowy house in a fairy tale. His laughing voice reminded me of my 5-year-old brother who pestered me to tell fairy tales that day.Every time he calls, the first sentence is what song are you listening to?Then I couldn't answer, and I felt vaguely sad when I looked at the silent and empty room.The music that used to fill my room like water all night just faded away without leaving a trace.而我的青春，我飞扬的岁月也就这样流走了。 第二个奇迹是我突然收到了一封寄自新疆的信，信封上除了我的地址之外就只有两个字，两个黑色漂亮的钢笔行书，可是就是这两个字，让我几乎难过得哭出来，那两个字是： Lin Lan. 信封里有很厚一叠相片，里面的林岚笑容灿烂，清澈如同溪涧。她坐在空旷的草原上，野花从她的脚下一直烧到天边，她的面容清秀如同初中的时候一样，长长的头发在风里纠缠在一起，白色的衣服，黑色的鞋。 她在信里说，她一直住在新疆，因为她回到她妈妈身边了，她说其实她没有自己想象中那么坚强，可以一个人生活直到死去，她对我说，晨树，我走的时候甚至没有对你说再见，因为我怕自己要难过，因为你是我在那个学校惟一的朋友。她现在依然爱着那些有着美丽色彩的画，一幅一幅地挂满了自己的房间。 里面有张照片是林岚站在一条延伸的铁轨上照的，照片上她指着那条黑色的铁轨安静地笑。照片背后她用漂亮的行书写着：这条铁路可以通到你现在的城市，我曾经的家。 我对着那条铁轨一直看一直看，看到眼睛都痛了，可是那条铁轨延伸到地平线的时候，还是跌落了下去，我的视线被残酷地挡回来。 最后一个奇迹发生的时候同时发生了另外一个奇迹，我的城市几乎不下雪，可是这个冬天居然下雪了。雪花弥漫在天空里面，然后我看到飞机降落，然后颜叙的笑容舒展在我面前，他对我说，晨树，我回来了。 颜叙回来的那天我旷了一整天的课，第二天去上课的时候我一直在编造借口，可是当我跨进教室的时候老师马上关切地问我昨天是不是生病了，还叫我在家多休息两天。那个时候我难过得要死。 颜叙依然留着遮住眼睛的头发，依然是黑色的长风衣，笑的时候依然会将一个嘴角斜斜地上扬，桀骜而又明朗。But my smile has already been evaluated as gentle and gentle by all my elders.I think I've really become a good kid.Maybe I should be happy. 颜叙在我的房间里走动，他四处看了看之后说，没怎么变嘛，还是老样子。他说房间里怎么这么安静，放点音乐啊，然后他拉开他的背包取出几张CD兴奋地对我说，这是买给你的，我很喜欢，你也会喜欢的。然后他拉开我的抽屉，然后我们两个人一起沉默。 那些数学题典英语题库在台灯软弱的光芒下耀武扬威地望着我，颜叙也望着我，我低下头来，没有说话。 颜叙，不要望着我，不要望着我，我在心里对自己说，过了这个七月，让我离开。 颜叙说，我们上去看看我的房间吧，有人住吗?我说没有，走吧，上去看看。 房间里因为长时间没有住人，弥漫着一股陈旧的味道和木头散发出来的潮湿的清香。颜叙在房间里兴奋地走，边走边对我讲话，他说你看这面墙上我写了好多的歌词，几乎都是我躺在床上听歌的时候写下的，你看窗子上面的那根丝，其实那是我断掉的吉他的琴弦。 颜叙转过身来，对我说，以前我就是一直在这个房间里放音乐，然后就在黑暗中在地板上整夜整夜不停地跳。 我笑了，说，然后开始有柔软的灰尘整夜整夜不停地从我天花板上掉下来。 颜叙，走吧。 我问他，去哪？问完之后我就懊恼得要死。我突然想起以前我们半夜出去的时候都是这样，颜叙说走吧，然后我就起来出门。 Yan Xu was silent for a while, then said, go out for a walk. I nodded and said yes. 翻过铁门的时候我的风衣被铁条钩住了，跳下来的时候我听到布料撕裂的声音。 我又走在了空旷冷清的街道上，在一个路口遇见了一个24小时的超市，出来的时候捧了杯冒着热气的咖啡。 颜叙没有说话，我也没有。在经过建园路的时候一个背着黑色吉他的男孩子从我们身边经过，他走过去了很远之后颜叙停下来问我，他说你为什么不问他是不是FOX？I looked at him, mouth open and speechless.颜叙一个人朝前面走去，他没有回过头，他背对我说，也许那个人，就是FOX。 在凌晨五点的时候，我们走在一条安静而空旷的街上，两边是安静高大的梧桐，光突突的树桠斜斜地撑开来，越过我们的头顶。颜叙看见一个电话亭，于是他笑着对我说，走，我们去打电话，对朋友们说晚安。 我问他，你要打给谁？ 颜叙想了想说打给你的同学吧。 我停下来望望天空，上面黑得如同最深的峡谷，我说，不用了，他们已经起床了，现在也许在看外语或者数学。然后我一个人难过地向前走。 这个冬天结束的时候颜叙就离开了，他走的时候我们已经开始上课了。那天我没有去送他，我坐在教室里看一本厚厚的参考书，也没听老师讲课。But after the first class, I still went to the airport to see him off.可是我没有见到他，只听到飞机起飞时巨大的轰鸣，声音从天上掉下来，砸在我的头盖骨上一直震。我观望着颜叙的离开，书包里装着今天刚发的试卷以及28页的物体知识总结，还有我所谓的沉沉的希望。 我闭上眼睛，然后想起前一天晚上颜叙拍着我的肩膀对我说，晨树，过了这个七月，你就可以重新笑得像个真正的孩子了。而我站在窗子旁边，当天快亮的时候，我对颜叙说，你看，一天又这么过了。 我对自己说，过了这个七月，请你让我离开。 回去的路上已经燃起了灯，黄色昏黄的街灯一点一点地漫到街上，我经过一家音像店的时候听见里面在放麦田守望者的那首缓慢迷幻的《时间潜艇》，那个男声对我唱，看，窗外的鱼，排成对，往前追。我站下来听了很久，然后离开。离开的时候那首歌放到了最后，一个梦呓般模糊而脆弱的声音在唱Dreams come true。 The black wind suddenly filled my windbreaker. 我仿佛又看见了在黑暗和寂静中跳舞的颜叙，在十字路口写生的颜叙，和我一起翻过铁门走在空旷的大街上的颜叙，和我一起去教堂听摇滚乐的颜叙，和我一起听钟声响起来看鸽子飞舞的颜叙；看见天花板上掉下的柔软灰尘，我看见了林岚坐在散落了无数碟片的地板上，看见了她在草原上奔跑，头发向后在风中飞扬，野花沿着她跑过的痕迹一路绽放，看见她指着一条黑色的铁轨说，你看这条铁路通向你的城市。我仿佛听到FOX张扬的声音，看到他背着黑色的吉他穿越一个个城市的样子，听见他写摇滚乐评时敲打键盘的清脆的声音，看见他在英国的地铁站里听那些披散着头发的歌手，自由歌唱直到天亮。 一个背着黑色吉他的男孩子从我身旁走过去，擦肩而过的时候他响亮地吹了声口哨，我想停下来，可是却不知道停下来干什么，于是只有盲目地继续走。 那个晚上我就那么一直走走走，一直走到天亮，满心难过，没有方向。 当光线刺破天空的时候，我停下来，我抬起头对天空说了句晚安，可是我却不知道我在对谁说。I think then give it to the world. 可是那句晚安升到半空，却又掉了下来，因为没有翅膀，无法飞行。说给全世界听的晚安，最终还是掉下来，砸在我一个人身上。