Chapter 9 part one this is how we once learned to love butterflies

Part 1 This is how we once learned to love butterflies (1) Butterfly Does anyone know that butterflies sing with black lips Does anyone know where the butterflies wander at night —— the bird Xiaodie stretched out her hand straight out: Do you see what happened to it? The three long-haired musicians watched in amazement as a strange girl came towards them through the long corridor, with long hair and baggy clothes hanging down.She walked up to them and stretched out her tender, slender hands, with a small bird curled up in her palm. They inspected the bird carefully and said succinctly: it is going to die, it has been shot with an air gun.

The sadness in Xiaodie's eyes grew stronger, is it hopeless? Its bones are broken and it will not live long. Let it have some soup, please?Xiaodie said. A musician passed over the thin remaining soup. Another said it would have been harder that way. The bird began to twitch and struggle. It's dying, and it's deflated. You might as well let it die early, it is so uncomfortable. How can I make it die quickly?Xiaodie raised her eyes and looked at them in turn. I can not do it.A person walked away with his head down. The other thought for a while, and then walked away in silence.

There is a third person left.Fluttershy looked at him. He looked at the bird, then at Fluttershy.I have a way. What can you do? This, that person pondered for a moment, it is not good for you to see. Xiaodie was silent for a while, do you guarantee that it can die quickly? The man nodded. Kocho lowered her thick eyelashes and her face was pale. Then you wait until I walk away... She took a few steps back, turned around suddenly and ran with all her strength, the sound of heavy footsteps swaying in the corridor.She kept running past the first person, the second person, and then her long hair and long dress floated around the corner and disappeared.

Xiaodie kept running, kept running, and ran a long way.She wanted to run to a place where she would not be harmed by that breath of death. Fluttershy knew the birds would die.But she ran away. Fluttershy If one day I become a book writer, I will definitely write Xiaodie. I feel that she is wearing a blue dress and standing in the rainy season that makes people suffer from rheumatism, which makes people feel distressed.I don't really care about a girl like Xiaodie who has no reason to worry. I have many other things to do.There are many people in this world with many things to do.Xiaodie always saw them busy and told her, we have a lot of things to do.Fluttershy doesn't understand why they always have so much to do, she envies them, she always wants to enter this world full of things to do.But she always stands outside this world, existing absurdly and ridiculously.She kept knitting a white scarf as if it was the only thing that kept her connected to reality.She sat there, weaving very quietly, her hands raised and lowered quickly, her face expressionless.After knitting, she took off the scarf little by little and started again, and it went on and on, endlessly.She imagined herself as the silent princess in a fairy tale, sadly among the piles of fabrics, not saying a word.

I have always suspected that Fluttershy does not actually exist, she should be a character in my imagination.Whenever autumn comes, I start to want to write a novel about the main character Fluttershy.The reason why she is called Xiaodie is because the leaves fall every autumn, and those golden leaves float down like butterflies in the transparent air.Xiaodie said over and over again, how much it looks like a butterfly.So I called her Xiaodie when she came to visit late at night.You know, they always think I won't die, Fluttershy said.She lowered her eyes and smiled softly.The laughter fell to the ground, like butterfly wings cut by metal.No one in this world believes Fluttershy exists and can die.

Xiaodie never reads her poems in front of others, she always knows that she is not a good poem writer.My stuff is too superficial, too artificial, too deliberate, she said, once when she wrote a letter to a poet she admired.In the middle of the night, Xiaodie Nanfang's voice is full of tenderness and innocence, a little hoarse and a little cold, the kind of coldness that penetrates to the bone and makes people feel sorry. My dear, please bury me in every morning of the first snow Let me be the cleanest daughter in the world die every morning of first snow My dear, please bury me in every morning of the first snow

Make me the freest ghost in the world Born in every morning of the first snow My dear, please bury me in every morning of the first snow Let me be the most innocent child in the world Grow up quietly in your own small grave My dear, please come here every year when the peach blossoms are in bloom Make me the most beautiful lover in the world Wearing a scarlet hijab to get married I suddenly remembered that Xiaodie was dead.When and how she died I don't remember exactly, but she died exactly as she wanted.I used to fantasize about her resurrection, she died and came back to life again and again like a butterfly.And yet I'm finally starting to forget her, her bland southern girl face... I thought she'd come back to life, but she never appeared again, didn't even exist.I remembered Xiaodie said that no one in this world would believe that she could love and die.

Part 1 This is how we once learned to love butterflies (2) Stone The stone is cold, as cold as the night. The Old Summer Palace is the most beautiful and desolate garden in the world. Z and everyone who claims to be a child of the Old Summer Palace think so. Sonoko was disgraced during the day, and she endured noise, intrusions, and insults.Some people charged tickets, but most frivolously rushed into the garden, trampling every piece of land and stone.They were just trying to get into Yuanzi, and Yuanzi just silently endured the harm. There is no one in the garden at night.Maybe there is a ghost. According to the legend, there is a beautiful maid who died on the water.However, ghosts do not accept tickets, so I came.After drinking some wine, I followed Z through lotus ponds, arch bridges, paths, and into the piles of rubble left by the fire.Those beautiful and sacred broken stones are as beautiful and sacred as the night.

The wine is still in the stomach, there is still residual heat.Through the thin clothes, the stone under the body is cold and bone-piercing. Z tried to warm me up, he sang Nirvana's song in a low voice: Where did you sleep last night. No one cares where I wandered at night.At the banquet, Z stood up, stumbled and followed me all the way to the garden.He tried to warm me up, but it didn't work.I've always been cold. Z is short and plain-looking. He is a freelancer. He once studied painting, but failed to get into the Academy of Fine Arts and lived in Beijing.Like the kind of people who have been reduced to the bottom, he is kind and poor, and he endures the pressure helplessly, taking hardship as an experience.

It was a cold, perfectly safe night.I have never felt so peaceful and safe at night.All the ancient stones are silent, solemnly silent.I suddenly discovered that I had spent so many watery days alone. In those days I just played the piano. The Book of Songs Five years ago, I entered this famous university in Beijing as a freshman.I didn't know that September in Beijing is already so cold, it's not at all the same as in the south.I timidly entered a strange autumn. Those first days seemed to be raining all the time.I sat by the door and window and heard the sound of rain falling.A girl, a freshman like me, fell from a very high building and died.At night, I sat in the house and imagined that she was slowly falling from a high place like a butterfly. The air was filled with a slight sadness and coldness, which made me feel confused, not knowing where I was.

At that time, Mr. Qin asked the aunt in the reception room downstairs to call my name loudly on the pager.Tan is a boy from our south, and "Qin" is also our southern surname.I thought there was no such word in the north.In the Book of Songs, "Qin" is entwined, like a vine in the south, which grows and spreads wetly. We often sit in the house, the sun is shining outside the window.We sat in the house and read together: life and death are broad, talk to your son, hold your hand, and grow old together.The sun is like this, slowly hitting us, and Tan really held my hand tightly, innocent and honest like a child, as if he would never let go. Ah, sorrow and joy, life and death.Sunshine and rain are just separated by such a thin autumn! Every year a girl dies in the school.They fall like butterflies in autumn, pale.Whenever I come back late at night and walk through the dark and cold corridor, all the doors are closed to me, I start to think of those butterflies, and hear their silent screams, saying go, go, go.You won't die, Tan said with a smile.Tan's smile was both innocent and cruel.When the wind blew over, he narrowed his eyes slightly, looking a little tired.I suddenly discovered that Tan is actually a very delicate and good-looking boy, and his sharp face made me feel distressed.I reached out to him, Tan, and I called his name.He can't hear me calling him, and I never want to call him by his name.After many years, I found that Tan was probably the only boy I ever loved. Qin finally left that winter.He is with his girlfriend - a beautiful and wealthy Beijing girl.It was very cold that winter.I leaned over in the dark and felt myself floating.I saw myself prostrate in the darkness and thought I was going to die.However, it was still another girl who died that year, and I survived. I must live.Because people will not die because of others, people will only die for themselves. I forgive Tan.I have been looking forward to him coming back to hold my hand, hold my hand, and grow old with him... Qin later died.When he went to the unit for an internship, he rode too fast and didn't notice a big Dongfeng truck rushing towards him.He flew up, flew far away, and landed on the hard road.At that time, I was on Nanjing Road in Shanghai, looking back blankly.I didn't know Tan would die, I thought it would be me.I knelt down in front of the Buddhist hall in my hometown in the south, and asked for a lotus for him to ward off disasters and prolong life. There were many mantras on it, many incomprehensible mantras. portrait I always look forward to being hit by a car so that I can die quickly.I like this look.When I was a child, I read a Japanese short story about a woman who was hit by a car while crossing the road and was killed by a car. Her lover watched his cherry blossoms "float gently like a butterfly and landed on the ground", and the two of them The day will be married.Since then, butterflies have been associated with death and have been deeply imprinted in my memory, which I will never forget. You give me a portrait, I beg Z, so that I can be killed in peace, so that I don't have a portrait left. So Z made a portrait of me, using a charcoal pencil to smear on the white paper.I sat patiently for hours and hours as if I were actually fulfilling a wish I had before I died.Finally he finished the painting, I looked at it and said, how could it be so different?How can I be like this? Z was very surprised and said, you are like this, don’t you never know what you are like? In fact, Z did not make a portrait for me at all. Z only painted the head of Rodin's lover, the tragic woman whose life was ruined because of Rodin.His painting skills are mediocre, and more often he explains to me a reproduction of Chagall: it is a pastoral life, all people and animals are kind and peaceful, with a warm feeling, the farmer hugs his wife , his wife was pregnant. So Z, like the person in the painting, gently hugged me from the side, and gently took off all the clothes for me. Z sighed in the dark and said, don't you know you have beautiful eyes? I said I don't know, no one has ever said I look good. Part 1 This is how we once learned to love butterflies (3) Knife Xiaodie thought she had already thrown away the knife, and in April, there were clumps of winter jasmine everywhere on the roadside.The knife drew a beautiful silver arc in the sun, and then fell into the flowers and disappeared. Xiaodie opens the clothes box every day and finds a beautiful knife inside, shining softly and coldly. Xiaodie hid the knife under her loose white coat and walked silently through the dark corridor.She spent all her days and nights thinking carefully about how to kill someone. sunny.A girl was lying on the ground, her chest was dyed red, and her long hair covered her face.She shouldn't have told me that, Fluttershy thought.Xiaodie asked: Do you have long hair?Said over there, yes, why are you asking this?Xiaodie laughed amusedly on the phone.She knelt down and examined the wound carefully.The wound was deep, and a lot of red blood gushed out freely, as if it would never run out. It's a pity that I didn't tell her solemnly why she must die, Xiaodie thought.She put a little yellow butterfly where the blood was bubbling. Fluttershy smiled. Her smile is very innocent and sweet. Mid-Autumn Festival · Bright Moon · Knife Sing it, the lead singer of this band proposed. I had already drank a little, and my face was hot.I drank some coke and liquor mixture and felt like I was going to float. Knife, my knife, my knife can only hurt myself. I've never wanted to sing so much.Really, I am very happy. what is happinessthey asked.I say that happiness is a poisonous wine. O knife, hold your knife tightly with your hands empty, take your knife and you will return home.Back home, I sang repeatedly.I wrote this song for several years, and finally finished it on the night of the full moon.They called "good knives, good knives—" I laughed and drank a lot of wine. They went out to look at the moon, and Hongzao was sitting next to me.Jujube can only play the piano, but can't make sentences, and always speaks only two words.Jujube is very thin and tall, with a pointed chin. I asked, why don't you go out?He doesn't speak. I stood up and went to watch the moon with him. He stood under the moonlight with his hair rolled up like a girl.He followed me from afar.I stopped and smiled at him.He smiled too, showing his white teeth.I pointed to a store with lights on and asked if it sold alcohol.He said no, it was a steamed bun. Xiaolong jumped over to scare me with his long hair.I yelled and hid behind the red dates and laughed. I am very happy.The moon was being eaten bit by bit, and I was wearing a dragon jacket.Xiaolong read a long, beautiful poem about fish.The fish swim to the other side, the beautiful woman dances in the moonlight, her long hair pats her back, everything is beautiful and meaningful.Xiaolong's voice was deep and full of temptation.He said, the song you wrote is very good, I want to be your producer now. Xiaolong is a very good boy, very generous and forthright.Xiaolong played the piano like a madman, full of strength and shock. How many girls in the world dare to love Xiaolong? Jujube never looked at me.I was very angry, very angry with him.He sneaked a look at me, and I couldn't help laughing again, I like to smile at him.I said how old are you?twenty-three?twenty five?Twenty-seven?You are twenty-seven!He said how do you know?Someone must have told you.I said softly that I guessed.I was so close to him then that his hand could almost touch me.I smile at him again and again, in the moonlight, without scruple, and I like it.When everyone can't see, he can see me laughing alone.Even among many people, I can still find him, find his smile.His eyes are so big, like a child, he is very kind and kind, he really looks very kind. Once when Jujube was sick, he lay on the bed with his face facing the wall.He rolled over violently when I came in.I didn't look into his eyes, but saw that his face became sharper.I talked loudly to other people, and my heart ached when I thought that Hongzao would never talk to me. I will never see him again. chastity Chastity is a light in a lover's eyes, Xiaodie said. I thought of Fluttershy again in the dead of night.When I thought of Xiaodie, my body turned red, heavy and warm, and I felt extremely safe and relieved as I sat heavily in the room. As a woman, I was sincerely proud of this heavy sinking feeling.I remembered that Xiaodie suddenly missed her period for two months, which was obviously abnormal. She kept silent in terrified fear, and she was at a loss, rubbing her slightly protruding belly secretly, feeling lonely and scared.But one day she suddenly had her period, she inspected the little blood in disbelief, and slowly, she laughed by herself, the laughter was innocent and crisp.She ran to find him and said I was coming.After a pause, she said quietly, "I didn't even dare to cry these days, so I gently fell on him and let him reach out to catch her."She heard him sigh from a distance, and she couldn't believe that he didn't want to treat her as an accomplice, but she was really tired, and she hoped he would hold her so tightly and never let go. Today I recited a word, once Xiaodie said, Chaste. The meaning of chastity, Xiaodie laughed frivolously. You don't know what chastity means, he said. How could I not know, Xiaodie said. They walked side by side.He felt she was far away, and so did she.But he finally pulled her over, Xiaodie was obedient.why?He has this power, he has the right to dominate her, and he uses her thin mind and thin body rationally and with restraint.Xiaodie often smells the smell of her body painfully, which is a smell of desire.The smell was so strong that she had to wash herself down for a long time before going to him. There should be a small room.Xiaodie said. Yes, a small room.There are no windows, no light, not even hope.Just the two of them, naked, lying side by side, needing neither light nor hope.Yes, a small room can separate them from other people so far that nothing can separate them.Darkness is only their darkness, and despair is only their despair, and no one can escape from the darkness of despair. And he was finally with someone else.They live in the same house.The house, this symbol took her from him and separated her from him forever.For the first time, Xiaodie felt extremely disgusted and ashamed of her body. She hated her hypocritical face like a little girl, and for the first time looked forward to quickly growing into a woman.A woman means tenderness, independence, strength and tolerance.She allowed them to live together, but she couldn't allow him to love another woman.She was his woman, submissive and chaste, his only woman. Part 1 This is how we once learned to love butterflies (4) leave I told Xiaodie's story to Z, but it was incoherent and intermittent, and it couldn't be complete anyway.Admittedly I'm not a very good storyteller, I can't always provide specific and complete plots, all are just fragments. Z said nothing after listening.Apparently the story failed to impress anyone, and neither did Z. I hugged my shoulders in vain and buried my head in the darkness.I can't complain about Z, he listened patiently, after a hard day's work, he still had to bring back a bag of roasted chestnuts to a little woman with too many weird emotions and listened to her rambling words silently.I kept myself in the dark, and Z held out his hand.I was silent for a moment and said no. The sun was shining brightly in the morning.I put my hand in Z's, and Z said that your hand is very good, it is the hand that plays the piano.I slowly took my hand out, got on the bike and left.The sun was hitting me, and I kind of wanted to stop and look back to see if he was still there, but I didn't.There are many tall and good-looking boys in front of you, healthy, handsome, full of vigor and confidence.The boys I've loved, I can't love them anymore.I think I have to leave Z, I can't stay with a person for too long, I can bear his poverty but I can't bear his endless toil day after day.I comforted myself that my leaving would have no effect on him, just as my entry into his sight would have no effect.He is kind and he is still kind, he is poor and he is still poor, he is busy and he is still busy, none of this will change because of me.I am insignificant, just as Z is insignificant to me, he can be ranked last like an English letter "Z".We are just two people in the crowded crowd in this indifferent city. We can only meet but not love each other. In this city, we can never love and be loved. The sun gradually became blinding, and I felt like those highly educated people.Yes, exactly the same, cruel, selfish and hypocritical. harm One day, I suddenly saw Tan at the intersection, and he passed by quickly on his bicycle. Tan didn't see me. Maybe he did it on purpose. He didn't see me standing by the roadside wearing a thin blue plaid, watching him fly by and disappear with fascination. I started to vomit non-stop in the house, spitting out a pile of clear water.I curled up on the bed, shrinking small, trying to shrink into the womb, into the endless darkness.I felt like I was being raped and I could only keep begging God not to hurt me again.Only then did I realize that Tan's death was just my wishful thinking. I subconsciously hoped that he would die, and then created an ending to convince myself.I thought that everyone knew that Tan was dead, so I survived with peace of mind, shut myself in the house, and started to write a series of characters of Xiaodie, Z and Hongzao, from which I hurt Tan unscrupulously, in this endless hurt get pleasure from.Every year I write a novel called Butterfly, which records in detail how those girls died one by one, and how they turned into butterflies one by one. The premise of all this is that Tan must die. Qin's great strength is that he is always right.He represented a world full of reason and order, and he forced me to surrender my freedom and self-respect with his tenderness and compassion.Qin will hold my hand and say firmly and clearly, believe me, I will make you happy.I didn't believe him, and I couldn't help pretending to believe him, and I believed him.He is a child, and children do not lie.Tan never knew how hurt this sentence and his subsequent renunciation caused me. Before he gave up, he didn't know that he was going to give up. He was innocent from beginning to end. Qin used his meager salary to buy me chocolates when he was an intern in the unit.After I peeled off the chocolate silver foil, I suddenly asked: Do you know who I love?He said, who?I smiled and said, don't tell you.But he suddenly understood, grabbed my skirt suddenly, and stuffed the chocolate into my mouth desperately.I struggled, sobbed and couldn't make a sound.Then he started slapping my face hard, once, twice, three times, four times, five times in the moonlit night.I clearly remember five blows, and I couldn't avoid each one.Finally he took the piece of chocolate out of my mouth and threw it out. I found the chocolate the next morning and it was covered in dirt.With tears in my eyes, I swallowed all the chocolate. Qin is right, I am a mean woman.My lowliness lies in the fact that I acquiesced in humiliation to all the rights Tan exercised over me. He has the right to dominate me, and even has the right to trample on me, but my soul always stands far away, looking at him sadly. I think Tan is the only person in this world who loves me.I guess he must have fallen in love with me in the summer when I was sixteen years old, when I should be in the most beautiful and purest period of my life.At that time, I was still in the south, doing a simple girl in the warm and humid years.That summer afternoon, I was leaning against the window, and with the sound of cicadas, I heard someone walking towards me slowly.I turned around and saw Qin.I was surprised, embarrassed, and shy to watch him walking towards me through the dark corridor, so calm and confident.I couldn't see his face clearly, but I knew that my face gradually became brighter and clearer.The beginning of that summer afternoon was full of beauty and romance, and like all the emotional stories of sixteen-year-old girls, it was stereotyped and clichéd. Later we came to the north together and studied in the same university.When the peach blossoms were in bloom, Tan and I broke into the garden by accident.The hillside is full of peach blossoms, so many peach blossoms are enough to drown me, my lips, my eyes and my eyebrows, and all my brilliant dreams.I sang loudly under the peach blossoms, and I felt that I, like those girly peach blossoms, could not escape opening up.At this time, a man with long hair walked down the hillside, ragged, disheveled, holding a big guitar.He looked up and smiled at me, and I waved the peach blossom in my hand vigorously. Tan suddenly turned around and asked, what are you doing? I smiled and said, nothing. Ah, Tan is not wrong, it is me who is wrong, I completely betrayed the person who tried to love me with his whole life from the very beginning. ending Blue sky and sunshine. Xiaodie fell slowly from a height, and her white clothes floated up, just like that, floated up. Fluttershy longs to be like a butterfly, to float down like those beautiful but false creatures.She thinks it is happiness, happiness is a feeling of falling, the kind of time that can be freely swayed before falling from a high place before reaching the ground.Together with everyone, Xiaodie indifferently watched the death that already existed but could only happen in an instant. In front of a tall building.Xiaodie lay on the ground, shed a lot of blood, staining her white clothes red.Her long hair covered her face, as if she was tired and could no longer fly, and she no longer wanted to see the sun. The crowd surrounded him with screams. Outside the crowd, a girl stood quietly not far away.We saw her timid back, she looked at the crowd blankly from outside the crowd. The girl smiled back. She is Xiaodie.