Chapter 8 Chapter VII

Last week, CSR dumped me before I was about to dump her, and I went to eat spicy hot pot alone in shame and anger. "Are you okay?" Zhang Bao found me at the hot pot restaurant, and before I could answer, he picked up a piece of sweet and spicy. "I knew there would be such a day!" Sweat dripped from my brow, "From meeting for the first time, to chatting all night, to sticking out my tongue, to making vows to grow old together, to discussing the location of honeymoon, to arguing about buying The price of the house. For half a year, even though we are superficially happy like a fairy, I know that one day she will find out my shortcomings, and immediately be ruthless, asking me to give her some space." "Wow..." Zhang Bao's Meat fell from his mouth, "So she is such a wonderful woman, do you mind if I ask her out?" The pain of being let down, every time I bow my head to admit defeat.Maybe I'm not cool enough, maybe I can't wear clothes, maybe I haven't read enough, maybe I don't have a car.Maybe it's because I snore when I sleep, maybe I can't cook some dishes, maybe I can't play cards, maybe I don't dare to bet.Every time, I wish them happiness with self-blame.Every time, I hid in the company's toilet and cried.

"You want revenge!" "I want revenge?" I repeated Zhang Bao's words, like a parrot with a cold. "You mean, raped her in a dark alley, stabbed her in the back, knocked her down when she left the house in the morning, poisoned her coffee?" "What punishment is more effective than being run over to death?" "Psychological punishment." "Psychological punishment?" "Physical damage can last at most a few months, while psychological damage can last forever." Zhang Bao lit a stick. smoke, swallowing his Adam's apple, "Look at me, do you think I was born like this? No, I used to be like you, believing in Romeo and Juliet, and waiting for Valentine's Day every year. Even though she never answered the phone, my Love letters are still written. Protecting chastity is like protecting new leather shoes, and thanking her when she is rejected. Listening to classical music at home after a breakup, shopping alone on Tonghua Street where she once walked." He stopped, as if about to cry, "Today's me is the result of psychological harm!" I shuddered, "Huh—psychological punishment is indeed severe!" "The essence of psychological punishment is to let her know that you will live better without her." "How can this be?" What psychological punishment? It's a pop song. I'll be better off without you, and your cholesterol will be high without me. Is this A-mei's "So you don't want anything"?" "You think it sounds familiar because This method is very effective." "What method?" "A total of ten points, you take notes: 1. Make a face to make yourself look 5 years younger.

2. Lose weight and make yourself look less like a turtle. 3. Go bodybuilding and develop prominent arms. 4. Use Rogaine to restore the front edge of the hair. 5. Go to the enema to completely eliminate hemorrhoids. 6. Learn English and take a foreign name named Jonathan. 7. Rent a BMW, the sunroof is often used. 8. Take notes when reading newspapers, and understand what flash memory is. 9. Don't install an answering machine at home, let others think that you don't care about missing their messages. 10. Go to parties more often, and every time there are different women to accompany them. ""that's it? ""Finally, and the most ruthless killer: Asking for her route home, driving a BMW, driving a model-""Wait a minute, I don't know any models. ""It's okay, I know Shu Qi, let me introduce you. ""Do you know Shu Qi? "" My friend's brother's boss's cousin knows each other, but that's not the point. The point is that you drive a BMW, drive Shu Qi, and "chance encounter" with your old lover on the street.She is waiting for the traffic light, and you stop at the zebra crossing.You open the electric window, put your thin face through Shu Qi wearing sunglasses, shake your lion-like thick hair, and say politely: "Hi, long time no see, do you want me to give you a ride?" "I Imagine that scene where you suddenly become a movie star.

"Is this revenge?" "This is the best revenge!" Zhang Bao opened his mouth to eat meat, "Unless she happens to be with Takeshi Kaneshiro." I think of the boy who once believed in Romeo and Juliet, and I think of CSR and I. But perfect love, think of her hurt to me, think of all the girls like her.I whispered to Zhang Bao: "Are you sure Shu Qi can come?" "Vulnerable" Last week, Zhang Bao taught me how to take revenge on CSR, but my dream came to naught because I couldn't get an appointment with Shu Qi. "It's okay, I know other models." "No need to look for it," I waved Zhang Bao away, "Actually, I don't want revenge, but I still love her." Because when you brush your teeth in the morning, you will stare at her left on the sink. under the hairpin.Because you look down in the shower and pick up her hair that's plugging the spout.Because when you call a customer, you subconsciously dial her number.Because if you order beef noodles, you will naturally tell the boss not to add spicy food.Because when you go to the supermarket, you will learn from her to look at the price first.Because you took out the old ticket stub from your jacket, and it turned out to be "Home Alone" that you and her went to see many years ago.

"You love her so much, why don't you go back and find her?" "Go back?" I shook my head, "I was dumped by her, and if I went back to beg her, wouldn't I be looked down upon by her? If I were stronger, I would look like I don't care , Maybe she will come back to me." "Why do you have such an idea?" "I learned from you. You don't always advocate the power of love, and you often say that if you don't know how to make progress by retreating, you will lose everything? ""It's a good move to retreat, but you have completely misunderstood its purpose. The more pitiful and helpless you are at this time, the more likely she will be conquered by you." "What kind of advice is this? Don't you always tell me to flatter My own strengths, before dating a girl, pass her my resume. I lied to her that I am an MBA from a prestigious school, and I have been on Wall Street for several years. I knew about buying TSMC 5 years ago, and everyone in the company owed me money. I can run on the playground of National Taiwan University. One hundred laps, and you can still make dumpling stuffing after you get home. You can have sex several times a day, and you won’t go to the bathroom immediately after it’s over.” “This kind of person can be chosen as a leader, but love is definitely out of the question.” “Why?” “Because Women like men who are vulnerable." I frowned, completely ignorant of this concept, "We are pursuing the first all our lives: getting into the best school, entering the best company, getting the highest salary, and grabbing the best position. What? Sometimes, vulnerability becomes an advantage?" "Because being weak makes women feel needed and in charge. You are her baby and no one wants you but her. You shake when you stand up, so you can never run ""You mean, chasing a woman doesn't really need to try to show off?" "That's right, let her pay for the meal, and let her be on top when you have sex. Once you drop your manly dignity, she will love you more." " Then how can you become weak, do you have to pretend to be sick when you see women in the future, as if you have pneumonia?" "No, no, you must still be very strong physically, but you must be a ruin mentally. Women don't want to Be a nurse, but rush to be a psychologist." "How can you show the fragility of your heart?" "First of all, you have to go through vicissitudes of life, as if your country was destroyed yesterday. Your hair should hang down to your shoulders and cover half of your body at a slant. Face. Nails are very long, and calluses on the palms feel like coal mines. The voice is hoarse, and I can’t eat a bowl of rice. I use T28 for my mobile phone. The match burned my fingernails, and I suddenly squatted down to pick up a small flower while walking on the road." "God, it's hard for me to live up to this expectation. My head is shiny and bald, and my palms feel fat." "Then you must wear a Some special accessories, like necklaces, rings, earrings, she will ask you where they come from, and you can start to describe your misery..." "For example?" "1. My girlfriend who has been in love for 10 years says goodbye to me, Married to Xiaokai who I have known for a month. But I will still raise her and my ex-husband’s child, because I believe that we will love each other forever in the heart.” “It’s so miserable!” Don’t talk about women, even I’m already in pain.

"2. My girlfriend in high school died in a car accident. I have been unable to love others for 20 years. Every day at 5 o'clock, I wait at the gate of Beiyi girl. Whenever I meet, I ask you if you know my Xiaozhen. 3. My girlfriend was raped by bad guys, and she took the initiative to break up with me because she was afraid that I would dislike her. For 10 years, I have delivered newspapers to her house every day, always covering the headlines with a love letter. 4. An accident in the military made me inhumane, and my girlfriend started messing with a co-worker.One day they took my money and absconded and soiled my Hong Kong foot ointment.

5. When I was young, I worked as a member of the Taibao and went to prison for my friends.My friend took the opportunity to steal my girlfriend and now they have 3 babies. 6. In order to repay the gambling debts for my father, I had three part-time jobs outside of my regular job.I was so tired that I had a car accident one night, and now I can walk with a limp. ""say no more! "I burst into tears. "These are the stories that make a woman put her arms around your shoulders and put your head on her chest. These stories make them a mother, and you become their object of protection. She lets you down, and you quickly Can climb into their bed." "My son loves his mother, aren't you afraid of being judged by the world?" "Haven't you heard of Oedipus? This kind of thing didn't start with me." I thought of CSR and considered whether to recognize her as a mom.I picked up the phone and my hands started to tingle.

"Visitor" Zhang Bao asked me to recognize CSR as my mother last week, but I gave up because I couldn't lose face.On Tuesday, I received a long-distance call from a friend who was in the United States asking if he could stay at my house temporarily when he returned to Taiwan. "A friend" or a SINGLE_QUOTATION girlfriend? "Zhang Bao asked. "This is where I was confused. I was interested in her, but she refused me. The first time I asked her to watch a movie, she said she was dizzy, the second time she said she was going to practice the piano, and the third time she said she broke her glasses , said for the fourth time that she was allergic to the material of the theater chairs. Later I inquired and found out that her eyesight is 2.0 and she doesn’t understand Doremi at all.” "" "Anyway, it was Luo Hua who wanted to be ruthless back then." "Obviously she has changed her mind now and wants to re-compose the love song with you." "Maybe she just wanted to save money on the hotel and saw that my house is next to the MRT station. Plus I never You don’t smoke, and the room is as clean as a five-star hotel.” “Why are you so unconfident? She chose you because she wanted to love you again, not to take advantage of you.” I believed it and bought a sofa bed for the living room.The pornographic magazines are hidden in the drawer, and the awards are polished.

"What is this?" Zhang Bao pointed to the sofa bed. "I want to give up the bedroom to her and sleep on the sofa bed by myself temporarily." "Did she ask for it?" "No, I just want to be a landlord." "Are you really stupid or are you using restraint to increase your charm? She took the initiative Staying at your house is an invitation to go to bed. You wait for work without spending a single soldier. Ordinary women want to talk sweetly, but after a long time she is willing to accept or refuse. This woman throws a white towel as soon as she enters the court. Standing aside, puzzled." "You make it sound like she came all the way from the United States to have sex with me!" "Maybe she's here to see the porcelain in the Forbidden City, maybe she's going to visit Taiwan cement. But she absolutely treats you Uneasy and kind, and I hope to achieve my goal soon. I haven't seen you for three years, and she will live in your house as soon as she opens her mouth. How does she know that you don't live with anyone, how does she know that you don't live with your mother?" "Yes, she didn't Ask these questions." "It means she's heard about you and knows you're all alone. Staring at the air-conditioning at the wall at night and cursing daytime customers for nothing. Dishes piled up in the sink and the only entertainment is Fix the electrical appliances at home. She knows that you are vulnerable now, and you will catch any woman without a hitch." "This is terrible. Although I have a crush on her, I don't want to have a relationship with her. If she insists on sleeping with me Together, how do I defend myself?" "This set of methods is called "self-degradation", and the purpose is to make yourself completely unattractive. First, lower the temperature of the bath water and make all the organs shrink in size. Then hide in the toilet all night , tell her that you are constipated again. Your face is not washed on purpose, your hair is very greasy. Pajamas are fully buttoned, and there is a pen in the pocket of your pajamas. You keep sneezing after going to bed, and don’t let her turn off the TV. Sit up Peel the soles of your feet, squeeze your pimples on her. Start telling her about your sexual quirks, there are a dozen women's underwear in the closet. Eat on the bed, let the pillow crawl with ants. The bedside stereo plays Buddhist scriptures, and Zhongshan's portrait hangs On the wall. Throw the condom in the trash can and remind her that she is on her period now. When you touch her, I’m sorry, and if she touches you, you fart immediately. If she asks if she wants some excitement, you say we can play chess The little light in front of the bed will never be turned off, and the snoring is earth-shattering." "But what if she wears a Victoria's Secret?" "Then you have to divert your attention." "How?" "Close your eyes , stop breathing. Think of her as a misplaced luggage at the airport, full of things that don't belong to you. As long as you return it intact, the airline will pay you a large amount of compensation. But if you forcefully open it, You will find that it contains smuggled heroin." "But if I am so awkward, will I lose the opportunity to be a boyfriend and girlfriend with her?" "On the contrary. You have no evil thoughts, and your head will be clearer. This is the best way for you to observe her. Good timing. If she doesn't get up at noon and keeps talking on international calls, then you don't need to date her anymore. If she makes up for the refrigerator and washes the sheets before she leaves, then she may be your life partner." I Put away the sofa bed and practice camouflage in bed that night.The next night when the bell rang, I opened the door and was about to make an appointment with her, she said, "Hi, thank you for hosting us, this is my boyfriend Jonathan." "It feels horny"

Last week my visitor and her boyfriend were screaming in my bedroom and I lay in that bed and couldn't sleep after they left.I turned on the TV to count how many channels were selling drugs, and kept pressing my phone to see if there was a new voice mail. "What do you do when you are lonely?" I asked Zhang Bao the next day. ""Lonely"?" Zhang Bao shook his head, "Loneliness is a very deep emotion, and I have never been lonely. But I often feel horny." ""Feel horny"?" "horny in English means suddenly Felt very horny. Keeping eyes on the woman, the cocktail started to be adjusted. Lifted her skirt to see if she would suddenly scream. If not, started touching her waist and kissing her Then give her a bite and a final shake." "How could you have such a dirty thought?" "Dirty? According to a Harvard University report, men feel horny every three minutes. I It’s only two or three times a day, and it’s already considered a good baby!” “Am I abnormal? Sometimes I only think about women once a week, and I’m not very interested.” “You’re not abnormal, you just put those horny feelings Internalized, euphemistically called loneliness.” I thought of those Sunday afternoons, sitting at home alone and feeling hopeless.Turn on the TV to watch Winnie the Pooh and start snoring within two minutes.Flipping through the phone book with crumpled edges, he considered who to call would not be too abrupt.In the end, I chose Amy Wu, a college student. She seemed to have borrowed a book from me back then.She said hello in a grim voice, obviously going out and being delayed by you.Suddenly you are in a state of disorientation, and the phone hangs up very quickly.You start to practice Chinese Kung Fu, and you can't squat a horse stance for 10 minutes.At this time, the landlord called to press for the rent, and you said I was sorry and I had to turn off the electric stove.After hanging up the phone, you grab a handful of dirt, pour it on the sofa and apply it on your face.In the mirror, your head has already started to go bald, even if you tighten the belt, you can't hide your belly.The phone rings again, and you can't stand your feet in joy.You thought the school girl remembered how you treated her in the past, but it turned out that TVBS was doing polls.You said I would be happy to answer questions, would you like to come out and chat with me.At this point you smell a strange smell, and the lunch in the kitchen is burnt.

"Why do you have to stay in the cold kiln? You can't help being lonely, so you have to get out of it quickly." "How to say?" "You will be lonely because you live high, eat too much, and you can't hear the dog barking at home. It's too much." Use E-mail. If you live in a noisy place like me, and your house is as small as a prison, and you eat frozen dumplings for every meal, and you don’t have time to chew them, I’ll fix your problems immediately.” “You mean… ""I mean that loneliness is a hobby of the rich. They have enough to eat and have nothing to do, so they start playing tricks." "Then what do you do when you feel horny?" "First, you go to the Sun Yat-Sen Memorial Hall. To wrestling. Join Obasan's aerobics, comfort yourself that the women who can't get it will be as old as them one day. After you come back, take a cold shower, so cold that you jump up and scream. There are peppers in your mouth and soap in your eyes Throw a lot of grapes in the bathtub, and none of them can be broken after washing." "Why do you torture yourself like this?" "Usually I feel horny because of endocrine disorders. If you don't want to take injections and medicine, you must exercise your body." "You mean, as long as the body is strong, there will be no worries of loneliness?" "Not only the body, but also the training of willpower is very important. I will suddenly pluck my nose hair, apply eye ointment with one hand. Eat tofu brain with chopsticks, and my body will itch Absolutely no scratching. Don’t watch the Rainbow Channel at night, push away the procuress who comes up to strike up a conversation. Dress up as a adult at the party, let strangers laugh at you. If you are caught by your girlfriend at a restaurant, kneel at the door of her company and beg for mercy.” “I’m very cheeky Bo, I can't do these things. What antidote do you have?" "Then all you have to do is go to the department store." "Department store?" "The beauties at the cosmetics counter will naturally treat you well." You don’t need cosmetics, why join in the fun?” “Just say you bought it for your girlfriend.” “If you have a girlfriend, they will still be interested in you?” “Don’t you know that the more you can’t get something, the more they want it? Yes." "I don't understand..." "The more beautiful women are, the more confident they are. They believe that any man who meets them can't escape. They don't like handsome guys or rich men, but they like to mess with married men. Their Love is not about exchanging affection, but about proving yourself." "Maybe the motivation of these counter beauties is only money transactions, and she smiles at you because you have increased her performance." "That's even better, if their motivation is NT, Our interactions are more interesting. She keeps praising you on the surface, but she just wants you to sign the bill. In a way, it's like..." I was about to say... "You don't have to analyze it so thoroughly." "You will be stimulated by this?" He smiled.When I looked at Zhang Bao, I thought there were horns at first, but now I feel terrified.