Chapter 33 32

Every time Jing went to visit Yuya, she felt that she had a lot to say to Yuya on the way.She wanted to tell Yuya that she was really tired and often wanted to leave everything behind and sleep day and night.How she wished she could take good care of Xiao Zhuo and Xiao Yan: Xiao Zhuo has always been in poor health. He used to take supplements, and he was very particular about his three meals. He also had to ride a bicycle to such a long distance to school, back and forth, Jing was worried that he would not be able to bear it; Xiaoyan was probably stimulated and has not recovered, and sometimes she suddenly lost her mind, as if she had lost her soul.Jing really doesn't know how to take care of them.But Yumi can't even get half an inch of freedom now, telling her this, apart from making her more uncomfortable, what's the point.What Yuya hopes to hear is the progress of her own writing, and what she is doing

Approaching the identity of a female writer step by step.Yumi also seemed to be afraid of hurting Jing, so she never asked Jing any questions, just waited for Jing to say, and pretended to be listening with interest.So Jing said that she took Xiaoyan in, said that Xiaozhuo had good grades, and was good at art like Uncle Lu, said that Xiaoyan was a lovely person, and she was good at cooking, and she said what classes and homework were there in college It's more difficult to do... The only thing that doesn't mention her own writing is that she didn't say that she just wrote love stories for some romance magazines that she didn't even want to read anymore.Yuya just listened with a smile, sometimes expressing relief and happiness, she would say "that's great".But Jing can feel Yuya's disappointment, perhaps because she puts her future as a bet, so she is so eagerly looking forward to Jing's outstanding talent to stand out, which is impressive.Jing was so afraid of going to see Yuya. Facing Yuya's expectant eyes, she felt that she was a sinner.Jing's visits to Yuya began to decrease, and she only went to the post office to send books, food or other daily necessities to her.Almost a week later, Yuya will receive a postal package with everything from cute hairpins to her favorite marshmallows. Based on this thought alone, Yumi can also know that Jing's concern for her has never changed.

This time Yuya finally had good news.Jing went to see her, sat opposite her, and tried to say in an excited and joyful tone: Yumi, do you know that I can publish a book, I have signed a contract, and it will be published soon.After Jing finished speaking, she felt that something was too heavy in her heart, and she couldn't pretend to be extremely happy. The expression just now was obviously a bit exaggerated and hypocritical.Yuya was very happy, she asked repeatedly, is it right?really?Great.But Jing felt that there seemed to be something heavy in Yumi's heart, which hindered her happiness and made her smile stiff. It seemed that the muscles on her face were pulled mechanically by her instructions.Jing thought again, maybe Yuya didn't believe her at all, thinking it was to make her happy.

For a moment they became very quiet.This good news did not bring them the joy they had expected. They were already tired from the torment before the joy came, and could not appreciate the joy that was still too far away.Jing looked at the little girl sitting across from her. She was wearing a uniform, a number card, her hair reached her ears, and she didn't look at people when she spoke. I am afraid that the only problems I have are how to get along with a few harsh inmates, find a suitable opportunity to apply for another kind of labor, and so on.For other problems, no matter how compassionate, caring, and sentimental she is, there is nothing she can do.It's like Jing only cares about the price of the room and how much royalties the manuscript is worth.It's cruel--something awkward and clumsy when one tries to sympathize with and understand someone outside one's own sphere of activity.

The two girls sat in silence, not looking into each other's eyes.They finally understand that when they wanted to give their love to someone with their hearts, sometimes they lacked a path. Zhuo asked Xiaoyan to come back.They moved soon.We didn't discuss how to arrange the semi-circular balcony together, and we didn't sit down and have a good meal.The atmosphere of the whole home has not been restored to the past, and Jing realized that she was wrong. A new house and a pleasing balcony do not constitute a home.As for the cat, she threw it out and knocked its mouth on the iron pipe handrail of the stairs. Most of its two front teeth were broken, leaving only jagged stubbles that were so sharp that they could cut its tongue, so it was always open. Mouth, the mark left by the deep yellow saliva around the lips-Jing didn't expect it to hit the iron pipe, she didn't want it to bleed and lose the two most important teeth.

Jing felt that he was a bad person.That night she dreamed that Xiao Zhuo came to her with the injured kitten in his arms.He said, little sister, you used to like kittens very much, why don't you like them now.Then the dream turned, and Jing saw herself sitting in a room full of messy teeth, desperately picking up the fragments of teeth from the ground, trying to put them back together. However, Jing didn't have time to fix the broken "teeth" of this new home, she had to start writing that novel.So her daily life consists of writing novels and completing essays for magazines, otherwise she would have no source of income.She didn't have a lot of love for the story at first, just treating it like a mission accomplished.It is like a construction site she faces every day, and she even feels tired of spending so long with it every day.

Xiaoyan is very willing to cook, and she is better than Jing, so Jing no longer cares about it.She doesn't have to worry about anything for the time being, she just needs to face her novels.Except for the things in the novel, Jing really doesn't know more.The only newspaper she ordered before was canceled after she moved, because the house has air-conditioning in summer, and the extra electricity bill has to be paid back from several places.Jing doesn't buy books either-it used to be a gift from her to comfort herself, but now she only buys books for Yumi every few weeks, and she doesn't have time to read them.And these seemed to be voluntary, gradually Jing suspected that she had autism.

Sometimes Jing is locked in the room like this, and she will have strong thoughts every once in a while-how can she not see Xiao Zhuo.In the past, every day when he came back from the outside, Xiao Zhuo would prepare meals and wait for her. Although he didn't say anything, he felt in his heart that with his love, everything was worth it.But now, Jing, who knows nothing about the outside world, is boring, and Jing, who is grumpy and neurotic, how to join them and have a happy meal with them.Every time she sees the kitten that lost its teeth under her violence, Jing reminds herself to stay with them as little as possible, and don't hurt people around her again.

Write day and night.For too long, Jing was only in this ten-square-meter room that belonged to her.The thick curtains were closed, so it was impossible to tell whether it was day or night.The second-hand computer often crashes, and sometimes she slaps the computer keyboard angrily, but after all, she still wants to continue writing after being angry, so she has to wait for it to restart slowly.The file has been lost many times in this way, and I gradually learn to save it while writing, and I won't feel so angry anymore-because Jing's only life partner is it.Jing likes computers better than paper, because in the dark room and the white screen staring at each other without blinking, its face is pale, like a sick woman.He and Jing cherished each other, and talked to each other in the dead of night.

Jing wrote about a girl's complicated feelings for cats in her novel.It's true, during the days when she was locked in her room to write, she heard the cat whine every day, very loudly, as if someone was about to send it to die.But that voice was obviously full of premeditation, as if deliberately trying to provoke someone, so as to cause something bigger.Jing really wanted to rush out and throw it off the balcony. She really wanted to hear what it called in real danger.A scene was imagined in her mind, the cat gliding across the sky like a white seagull, and then swishing straight to the ground.Jing didn't know why she hated this cat so much, and she always thought of throwing it away.Maybe it's the look in its eyes.The first time it saw Jing from the stairs, it probably realized that this exhausted girl was the ruler of the family, but she looked so cold, as if there was no more love to share with it.Therefore, when it looked at Jing, it showed a resistant look, full of evil in nature.Jing just noticed this kind of evil, which made her feel that it had broken away from the gentle and dependent character that a cat should have, and turned into a little monster.Jing finally understood that not all disadvantaged weak people can be sympathetic.

Jing suddenly understood why Man hated her so much.She has a subconscious rebellion against Man. This kind of rebellion has actually gone beyond the reasonable resistance when being bullied, but an aggressive and lethal gesture.Jing has been trying to hide her power, but Man saw the evil spirit in her eyes.Man knew that Jing was hiding a great danger, so she wanted to subdue her.Jing finally believes that all feelings come and go, love is like this, and so is hatred. It must not be because of Man that she and Man have come to this day.Since Yumi was imprisoned, Jing's hatred for Man has reached its peak, but she will never rush to find Man to quarrel and vent her anger. She knows that this is like being a crazy clown. Although the appearance of madness is scary, it must always stop Come down, when she is still her, still the clown.Therefore, only she is no longer weak, she makes Man uncomfortable and jealous, and the torment of the inner demon is the most blazing fire.She admitted that she had cursed Man in her heart, especially when Yumi was just imprisoned, there were vicious thoughts in her mind, pressed there, and turned into a curse on Man, and these cats were written by Tianjing, suddenly she felt Much more peaceful, she thought, no matter what, she no longer needs to curse. This is the first time Jing has concentrated on writing for such a long time.She began to taste the pain here. "Lonelier than imagined." Jing said to herself.This kind of loneliness is not because she is far away from the crowd, but because she found that during the period of writing, she could not choose to stop, stop, or slow down at all. Choose a favorite dress for yourself.She can't concentrate on these, even if there is no inspiration, the only thing she can do is sit in front of the computer and wait for the inspiration to reappear.This wait can be long or short, no one knows.Jing thought desperately, this is almost like fishing. If you just pretend to be fishing, but you are absent-minded and the fishing rod is wobbly, the fish will definitely not be hooked.But even if you concentrate and stay still, the fish may not be caught.Jing could hardly bear this deadly waiting in vain. She was irritable and restless, and when she heard the cat meowing, she wanted to rush out to teach it a lesson.In such emptiness, Jing started to overeat again.Sometimes she would suddenly go to the convenience store downstairs to buy a lot of snacks and convenience food.In this way, she will not be idle and lost in those anxious moments. She can fill the emptiness with food and make herself appear busy and fulfilled.However, she was not hungry, and she already felt disgusted when she ate them, but she couldn't stop.Jing's stomach has shrunk from these years of dieting. After eating so much food, it is impossible to digest it.And for a long time, it has been Man who restrained herself.When she wants to binge eat, she tells herself that she will be as ridiculously bloated as ever.Have you forgotten, woke up by Man early in the morning, she looked down at herself with contempt, soot fell into her hair.She restrained her disobedient body with extremely strong mental strength, but such energy consumption made it impossible for her to write the novel at all. Inadvertently, when Jing was flipping through a magazine she wrote for, she saw a report about binge eating disorder.It mentioned how five women, including Princess Diana, were trapped in bulimia.Jing didn't know why she didn't care about those terrible consequences, but she just remembered the words "gluttony and vomiting" very deeply in her heart. The first time Jing deliberately made herself vomit was late at night in June.That day the cat meowed very fiercely. I wondered what Xiaoyan and Xiao Zhuo were doing, Xiaoyan laughed loudly. She obviously didn't think there was anything wrong with the cat's meowing.Jing restrained herself not to go out to stop them, she might hurt the cat, or make Xiaoyan wronged, so she could only keep eating.After eating so many sweets, Jing was even more uninspired.And that terribly bloated stomach reminded her of regret all the time.Fidgeting, she finally rushed to the bathroom, bent over the toilet, and shoved a hand down her throat.Stretching her fingers in, Jing vomited smoothly, vomiting out some food that she hadn't had time to digest.She actually felt much more comfortable, perhaps more psychologically than physically.In Jing's heart, food is as ugly as garbage. They fill her up and keep expanding, making her the same "garbage" as them. Jing stayed in the bathroom for a long time that night.I vomited until I couldn't vomit anything anymore.When Jing raised her head and saw herself in the mirror, she was taken aback by her bloodshot eyes and flushed face.Jing stretched out a hand to gently touch this frightened face, don't be afraid, don't be afraid.She lay on the bed and fell asleep quickly and peacefully.This peace of mind comes from Jing's belief that she spit out all the food, her stomach is flat, and she won't gain weight tomorrow morning.As if in this war with food, she was the one who finally won. Woke up the next day with a swollen face.There is a slight ulcer at the corner of the mouth.But she felt the stomach was flat and the trash had no chance of harming her.She then smiled contentedly. She thought it was a door open to her, a rescue, no more fighting with food.So this became another start.What life handed her was a beautifully packaged bomb, but she didn't know it, and thought it was a lifebuoy that could cross rivers and rivers. So he started binge eating and vomiting.Buy more things every day and come back, and throw up after eating.After eating, he walked out of the room pretending to be calm, and went straight to the bathroom.He turned on the shower head, pretended to be taking a bath, and began to lean over to vomit.In fact, it was probably a fluke the first time, or the devil who tempted her to hook her, bewitched to make the first time so smooth, and then often only spit out a little at a time.Or throw up many times, but there is no way to spit out anything.Jing looked at herself through the water-wet mirror, her eyes were bloodshot, her pupils dilated, and her flushed face was distorted.But it couldn't end yet, and I couldn't leave any food in my body, so I bent down again and continued to vomit. This continuous vomiting continued until nothing could be vomited anymore.Jing hurriedly turned the handle of the toilet to let those shameful things be washed away by the water.She starts taking a shower.Rinse your body over and over again. Jing, is this you?Don't you feel pain and nausea in such a thing?Is it really only in such torture that you can find pleasure?The gushing water washed her mouth, but the sour taste seemed to have penetrated into her gums, and it couldn't go away no matter what.She shed tears because of panic, and finally began to understand that she had fallen into a trap, that she had been controlled, she was doing mechanical movements, and she couldn't stop no matter what. However, it still happens every time.Especially when she vomited out everything, she gradually forgot about the pain, and the emptying of her stomach quickly put her in a state of departure.The next process begins soon. After Jing vomited that day and returned to the room in panic after taking a shower, Xiao Zhuo came to knock on her door.She stuffed the food under the bed and opened the door. Miss sister, Xiao Zhuo called Jing gently.Jing dimmed the lights in the room to prevent him from seeing his face clearly. What? It's your birthday and I'm on summer vacation too.Shall we go to the countryside to play? Uncle Lu's death day is coming soon, Jing said-these two days will always be together. A friend told me about a place where there are large patches of henna and wooden houses.You can have a picnic there and take pictures.We haven't had a photo together yet... Xiao Zhuo gently reminded Jing. Yeah?Jing suddenly felt very uncomfortable.Indeed, there was no photo with Uncle Lu or Xiao Zhuo. yes.It must be beautiful to take a group photo in the henna field.Then put it on Dad's tomb, let him see how beautiful the little sister is now.Xiao Zhuo smiled slightly. Xiaozhuo... Ok? Dad will also be very happy that Xiao Zhuo has grown so tall.Jing said softly, looking at him blankly.Jing seems to be sinking at the bottom of a narrow well these days, and hasn't seen him alone at night for a long time.And he seemed completely different.He was really that tall, taller than his father.I don't know if he is growing long hair. His hair is already very long, thick black and shiny. His beautiful temperament has filled every hair, and his fingers have a special fate with plaster and paintbrush.He has a powerful aura, approaching Uncle Lu and Cong Wei in the same direction as her.She knew that he was better than him.This is not a gift.He has always been hiding in the place closest to her, and on a day when he suddenly grows up, he shines a light that convinces her, like Aladdin's magic lamp, announcing the end of the day of death at the moment of shining. Jing walked towards Xiao Zhuo - she wasn't sure if she still had that strong sour smell on her body, but she no longer cared about it.Jing walked up to him, stretched out her hand, and wrapped it around his neck.Thank you for remembering my birthday, she wanted to tell him in his ear, but before she had time, tears were already falling down.Since Lu Yihan's death, Jing has almost never cried in front of Xiao Zhuo, even when she went to see Yumi in prison for the first time, and when she came back, she never cried.I also don't understand why I still tightly cover the fake mask in front of this closest person. You are always so anxious that you always seem to be unable to stop.Xiao Zhuo stretched out his hand and lifted Jing's bangs that had just blown dry and covered his eyes - they haven't been trimmed for a long time, and they have blocked Jing's sight. Jing raised her head and looked at Xiao Zhuo. Is the dullness of the past few years just to wait for this moment?There is no transition, no continuous evolution, the relationship between them seems to have been frozen for a long time, and finally returned to them intact. Sit down and I'll cut your hair.Xiao Zhuo said.Jing completely believes in his skills, because he has seen him cut hair for high school classmates.His hands are so dexterous, suitable for all kinds of delicate and delicate work. Xiao Zhuo went out to get the scissors, and then moved the chair over for Jing to sit down.Put one of his old shirts on her.Jing heard the soft crackling sound of scissors and hair, and imagined his hands passing over her head like seagulls.In addition to the scent of soap, the plaid shirt on his body smelled of him.This faint scent will also start to fascinate girls, she thought. Jing's hands tightly grasped the shirt on her body, and her eyes sealed by tears were his body dangling on the left, on the right, and in front of her. Is it very long?Jing was still choking and asked Xiao Zhuo, because she no longer wanted them to return to a state of being speechless. Ok.Is it too long to hide the eyes?Make yourself so mysterious forever, no one will know what you are thinking in your heart?Xiao Zhuo said. Jing's heart moved bluntly.He never knew that in Xiao Zhuo's eyes, he was like this. Xiao Zhuo seemed to see Jing's disappointment, leaned down, and said to her softly: I have grown up, can we go back to the past when we exchanged thoughts and supported each other?Can you stop isolating yourself? Jing nodded.Neither of them spoke anymore. When Xiao Zhuo had trimmed her hair and was about to leave with the scissors in hand, she hurriedly called to him: Xiao Zhuo... Xiao Zhuo turned around and looked at Jing with a smile. There was so much to tell him, to want to tell him, that she was writing a very long novel and she didn't love it at all, it was just work.It made her manic, tense.She needs his comfort and support.She wants him to watch over her.she wanted to tell him that she It may be even worse now than when I first arrived at No. 3 Taoli Street. Not only did I overeat, but I also induced vomiting viciously.Repeatedly, as if possessed. But Jing didn't say anything, but just took off the shirt on Xiao Zhuo's body, indicating that he forgot to take it away.He came over to get the shirt, paused suddenly, and leaned over to kiss Jing's cheek. You have to remember that you promised me that you can no longer isolate yourself.Let's go on an outing on my birthday, so it's a deal, okay?Xiao Zhuo looked into Jing's eyes and said.Jing nodded. The significance of that night was extraordinary, it seemed to bring Jing back to the past.Jing thought that he still appeared at the moment when he was most panicked and disgusted with himself.He stands behind his son, they are folded into one, he is strong and powerful, he will never let go of me again.Or Xiao Zhuo caught his father's soul, and he put it in his body, so Jing has no reason not to fall in love with him. The girl has been running, giving up all the scenery, because she knows that those are bewitching and deceiving.She put on sharp armor for herself and kept no one close, because she found that so much pain is given by love.If she puts away her love, then she will no longer suffer.And in the end it was Xiao Zhuo, who had been lurking beside her, who undid her armor and slowed her down.Can she also enjoy this beautiful and abundant life? The next half a month or so should be one of the few good days in Jing's life.Although most of the time, she was still typing in the room day and night, but she no longer overeating and vomiting.She began to like eating time, because at this time, she could see her little Zhuo.She began to like food, because those were cooked by Xiao Zhuo, full of love, so sweet.She was looking forward to finishing this long novel soon, and then she could celebrate her birthday with Xiao Zhuo and the others. Because it is the end of the term, I sometimes go to school to review.Even when she was reviewing, she carried her computer with her.Lin Miaoyi and the others all know that Jing has published many novels.Sometimes they would come up close and ask what she was writing.If it was in the past, she would definitely not respond, but during this time, she has always remembered Xiao Zhuo's words, and she must try her best not to separate herself from the crowd. A long story, Jing said truthfully. God, you have written 130,000 words?Lin Miaoyi looked at Jing's computer file and yelled——Jing now no longer thinks there is anything wrong with her liking to yell. It would be so disappointing if everyone in the world was as dull as herself. In the self-study classes thereafter, Lin Miaoyi usually sat with her.She always brings Jing cold drinks and her newly bought books.Although Lin Miaoyi likes to read, most of them are warm and trivial Hong Kong and Taiwan novels that Jing is not interested in, but Jing is also willing to read them with interest.She began to understand that this was not against her true principles.Sometimes at noon she needs to go to the nearby post office to collect the manuscript fees sent by the magazine. It is Lin Miaoyi who guards the computer for her in the classroom.While she doesn't even want to define it as "friendship," she's starting to accept having someone by her side. It was also a period of rapid writing for her.Because of the motivation, the whole story seems to be less boring. It seems that from this moment on, she really injects her emotions into the novel.The heroes and heroines of the story became lovable, resembling those she loved. The day before her birthday, she finished the novel.At the end of the novel she wrote: "She heard the sound of the tide, but in fact it was far away from the sea and she had never been to the sea. But the sound of the tide was so real that she believed it was the sea. She guessed that it was the man she loved who arrived Yes—he'd bet they were destined to be like-minded. She believed it at last." This is a sad and tragic ending.Jing likes tragedy.At the end of writing, she felt that she fell in love with this novel.It's a pity that most of the previous plots are dry without her emotions in them.She wanted to take a few days off and start over again. But now, she just wants to go out for a walk. It's been a long time since I went out for a walk at dusk.When walking out of the house, Jing was suddenly in a happy mood.Because she thought about her upcoming birthday.This book is her gift to herself.She is also going to give it to Yuya, which is probably the thing that makes Yumi the happiest.And what she looks forward to the most is the birthday outing and the rare first group photo. Jing walked to the vegetable market alone, and suddenly wanted to buy some fish for the cat-although sometimes she had the idea of ​​punishing it, but sometimes she felt pitiful for it.What's more, she had already arranged for the cat in her novel to die, which could be regarded as revenge.Now she wants to buy some fish without too many bones for it. After all, it has lost its teeth and it is difficult to eat.On the way back, Jing bought a newspaper to see what was going on.She picked up the newspaper and flipped through it as she walked along the road.She likes to flip through the pages of literature and art first, glance at it inadvertently, and immediately focus on a publication news.Because she saw a name she was familiar with.According to the news, a novel called "Smiling Like a Flower" held a launch ceremony yesterday. The scene was grand. It is expected that this book will become a bestseller this year, and the author of the book is a young girl who is only 22 years old. Her name is Lin Miaoyi. Lin Miaoyi.When she saw the name, she actually guessed what might have happened.But how unwilling she was to believe it, she ran to the nearest bookstore, bought a copy of "Smiling Like a Flower", stood at the door of the bookstore, and opened the book: "There are two explanations for Xiran's name, one is a happy look, and the other is that he likes nature. Xiran's father died early, so she didn't have time to ask. But she thought, it's not much different. Happy It looks like something in nature. That's smiling like a flower." This is the beginning of Jing's novel written more than two months ago.Jing quickly flipped through the whole book, and the first 140,000 words were exactly the same as what she wrote.Only the last ten thousand words are different from hers.She quickly recalled that Lin Miaoyi must have stolen the documents from her computer when she went to the post office to pick up the remittance.And when she stole it, she hadn't finished writing it, only 140,000 words.