Here's my memo for you, kid. 1. May you remember to come here and remember the short years we spent together. 2. May you remember the pain, remember my reluctance and helplessness when we parted. 3. May you remember to hear it, and remember a story drawn by the track of love from me to you. This morning, January 6th, we had toast and apricot jam for our last breakfast, my darling. One day, when I am old at last, you will grow up and look like me now.And they're gone—they're people who were important to me, including your father.Leave in a sinking boat, go to the bottom of the water or the lonely fairyland.No one has time to watch someone's growth, and no one can really accompany someone to cross mountains and cross dangers to reach the bliss of life.They are just short and long passages of my life, and one day, I will also be your passage, my child.

But don't be sad about it too much, I used to be like this when I was young, my mind was full of words such as farewell, farewell, and miss.Whenever I think of being separated from the person I love, I feel heartache and unwillingness, or it is because I have too much greed for the affection in the world.I think you should mature quickly, and like me, one day you will know how to calmly let go of what you can't catch.Do you remember the dream I told you about releasing carp— I often dream of the small river in the ancient city of Lijiang, the water is rushing, just like my never-ending rushing dream.I dreamed that I went to the river with your father to release carp.It was getting late, and a young woman in gorgeous Naxi clothes stood beside a wooden barrel filled with carp, holding flower-shaped candles in her hands.We gave her the money, and she scooped up two carp in a small wooden bucket.She took us to the water's edge with a candle.Your father is a tall man who habitually stands on my left.

We leaned down and smiled at each other.Close your eyes and make a wish.Then put the bright red carp into the water.They swam away in an instant, and through the dim candlelight, the swaying tails of the goldfish gradually disappeared.You're bound to ask me what I wished for - I think you're a curious kid, and frankly, I can't remember.It's probably just the kind that children in love are keen on, about eternity, about never leaving, and being in love with each other.My baby, you know how sad I am when the carp is about to break free and swim away when my hands are in the water.Because the time to wait for the realization of the wish is so long, when the time comes, it is probably not the state of mind at that time.Therefore, the moment of making a wish is actually the most precious, just like the first little flower that blooms in spring, with the sudden fragrance, when you close your eyes, you can imagine that you are in a manor full of trees and flowers.Time should stand still at that moment.

My child, you come in autumn, like a dandelion that suddenly decided to land after being tired from flying in the sky, and fell unconsciously in my body.You are a very quiet and sensible child. You know that my life was busy at that time, so you didn't allow yourself to give me any more trouble. Your hands and feet moved very slightly, and only when I was sleeping.So, the first time I saw you was in a dream.Since you came, I have repeatedly dreamed of releasing carp. It is gorgeous and ethereal, like a lantern that never goes out on a moonlit night in spring.At that time, I didn't know that you had come, only the previous dream gave some kind of erratic hint.

According to the dream interpretation book, dreaming of carp is a good omen, and you will come soon.You are a beautiful coral reef blooming from the bottom of the lonely water.I guess you are a girl.Like to create a little romance and gorgeous dreams for me.Moreover, you gave me a long-term confrontation force in my body, like a tug-of-war.This feeling is very strange, but I am sure, it is between women and women.You are sometimes pampered and sometimes tolerant.I want to call you Narcissus, my baby, because you should be as good-looking as the beautiful boy Narcissus in Greek mythology, with white cheeks like narcissus petals, and always as clear and calm as you are immersed in water.In my dream, the carp swam away and you came, so you should have been born by the water.And I hope you learn to love yourself, praise yourself, and find joy in being alone.Because you have to know that no one can be with you all the time, and when they disappear suddenly, don't be nervous.You should learn from the narcissistic Nasus, who is obsessed with his own shadow, entangled and played with the shadow all day long, tirelessly.

How much I want to take you to see the sleepy ancient city in the mild sunlight, how much I want to buy you colorful clothes like colored stripes and flags, and sit in front of the tea table to play building blocks and puzzles with you.You start to speak, and your voice is as clear as spring water. You must be good at telling stories. Sitting on a swing, there will be a circle of pious listeners around you.But I'm not sure if you like tragic stories as much as I do. I watch my friends shed sad tears quietly and feel complacent.When you grow up a bit, one day you find a book written by your mother in the bookcase, will you run towards me calling "Mom, Mom" ​​full of joy.I see you like a bird trying to fly, your wings quivering in the sun.

But in fact I have decided to stop your coming.Just today, after three o'clock in the afternoon, stripped from my body.We said goodbye like this and never got together again.So the above is just my fantasy.Son, your mother was a writer who made up stories for a living.She has written so many stories, from the female ghost on the old city wall to the incestuous teenager in Partridge Village, from the sunflower who died in love to the reincarnated black cat, but none of her stories are true.She took other people's stories as her own, and she took her own stories as other people's, so she shed tears when she wrote other people's stories, but she was numb and slow when she lived her own life.

Son, forgive me for giving up on you.Yes, you are so good, you are bird, morning light, pink, coral reef.You are the carp I released, the wish I made.But your beauty doesn't make me muster enough courage to meet you.In front of a pure new life, I cannot lie or make false promises.So I can only say frankly, my child, I may not be able to give you a happy childhood, a strong will, and sufficient enthusiasm.Because I have decided to go wandering and take nothing with me.Only writing is my eternal lover. I am obsessed with stories that are both real and magical. When I can’t write anymore, I will find a small town to live in. Just like the old woman I wrote, sitting at the foot of the city wall, talking about clouds and mists Winding story.I looked so ragged and down-and-out, my front teeth were missing, the air was leaking, and I couldn't pronounce some words clearly.But none of them can laugh at me, because I have become a butterfly.No one can catch me.

I skimmed through layers of stories of ups and downs in the world, and used the needle-like eyes of a witch to see through the minds of those who were lost, and let out a long, incoherent laugh. In order not to let you struggle in a childhood full of love and hatred, full of desires, in order not to let you inherit my sorrow and surlyness, in order for me to be a storyteller without any worries, in order for me to fly across this troubled world, In the end, I can only give up on you.Fortunately, it's only been less than three months, maybe you won't have any memory of me at all, if you do, I'm afraid it's just a little nostalgia for the abdominal cavity that has been habitually cramping.For you, it is a sleeping bag that constantly seeps in the smell of smoke and alcohol.

Narcissus, mother never gave you a gift.You also always receive some precipitated nicotine and alcohol, which is my incrimination of being a failed mother.The lightness of the world, I really don't know what is the most precious, I can give it to you when parting.After thinking about it, maybe there is only one memory - I decided to tell you my story.You take it with you.In this way, it will never be opened again, like a bottle drifting in the time of reincarnation, it will not enter dust, and will not be damaged by wind and rain.If you don't like it, throw it under the tree beside the Naihe Bridge, then it may become an old picture book for boring people waiting in a long line to be reincarnated; if you still like it, hide it secretly Under the tongue, then maybe in another time and space, you will also become a storyteller, telling my story.Passers-by pointed at my story, as if they were looking at an antique from the previous dynasty.