Chapter 15 who killed may

1) She remembers that the corner of the street was his photography studio.The color of the signboard is dark red, which is very similar to the red brick wall exposed outside in the small alley where it is located.But it doesn't make people feel too ordinary or inconspicuous at all, at least she saw it when she walked here for the first time.There are words written in rough hemp on it: Sanzhuo Photography Studio.Sanzhuo should be the photographer's name, she thought.When she left later, she engraved her name under his name.She carved it out of wire with little hooks, as small as three ants, and probably no one but her would have noticed.It was an early morning, and after she had carved her name, she turned her back to the small alley and his photography studio.She was wearing a white loose linen dress with a wide waist. When she walked, she swayed like yellow leaves in autumn.

2) She came to town in May.The town is in the south of the Yangtze River, and the plum rain is just prosperous.She felt that the rain was wrapping her up in thin layers, like putting a cold plaster on her, making her unable to move.So she stopped at the door of a small hotel that arrived first, and decided to stay here.After she put the big backpack into the small room on the top floor, she sat on the wooden steps between the third and fourth floors to smoke, because the windows in the room were closed all the time, and there was a musty smell.And she was sitting on the stairs, facing the window, and she could see the light rain outside and the small pavement with a canopy.This is no longer her north, her northern city with its wide streets and tall buildings.Oh girl, is this the life you dreamed of?She sighed, and asked herself softly, then she slowly smoothed out the creased gauze skirt, took out a lipstick from her small bag, and painted it in front of the mirror, the pink color matched her lightly. grade.Finally, she lit herself a thin cigarette.Gradually, she began to be a little joyful and gratified. The life of a female writer should be like this, she told herself.

No one would believe that a girl is a writer.She was only nineteen years old, and she was very thin. She was wearing a black embroidered shirt with a stand-up collar and a long skirt made of water-red gauze. The sandals on her feet—or rather slippers, were deep red and flat, very simple.The hair is long and straight, without any cumbersome ornaments.She looks like a middle school girl who likes to dress up a bit.Of course, she must be an attractive female student from the outside, with fair complexion and surprisingly large eyes.How could she have such big eyes?Like the deer's eyes, they are almond-shaped, so her eyes always reveal a kind of sadness and sorrow, which makes people want to approach her to comfort her.

But she was already a woman writer.If you count from the age of fourteen when she first published her work, she has been writing for the past five years.She was born in a good family of scholars, and she has hardly encountered any setbacks in life.Since I was obsessed with literature since I was a child, I have always liked to read and write articles, which seems to be a matter of course.It wasn't until she was in high school that she suddenly discovered the peach blossoms in the depths of literature and smelled the purest smell, which she firmly believed was the smell of literature itself.So she found that what she wrote in the past was like gas rising from a small tight-mouthed steam bottle. They were artificial and deliberate. If you want, you can repeat this action thousands of times, and every time The composition of the gas produced varies insignificantly.However, real literature is the gas that you suddenly stretch out your hand to grab after you go far away and forget yourself. It is flowing and belongs to nature, and no other one will be the same as it.So she wants to suspend her studies, leave the city, go to a free place, and grab the gas that is destined for her.

Her decision certainly upset her parents.They alternated talking to her about the importance of continuing to study.She has grown into a cold and proud girl—perhaps this is the temperament of a female writer that she first manifested.She raised her strange big eyes and looked at them, as indifferent as if she never knew them again.At the age of eighteen, she published her first collection of novels, which was helped by a lot of her parents, because they all hoped that this book could give the girl some confidence and stabilize her,——she just To enter university, one should at least finish it.The collection of novels was indeed her spiritual support for a time, and she was busy with every detail of it - the color of the cover, the fresh water pastel color pages inserted in the middle, the photos she put in the book, the format of the book, all the paper... …a few months later, she finally had her first book, Blue, with her favorite sunflowers.She never thought that this book would bring her so many things later.It seemed that suddenly she became famous, and many young people wrote to him and said on various occasions that they liked her writing.Being famous didn't make her an ignorant guy, on the contrary, she became very panicked.Because she cherishes their love for her very much, the more she cherishes, the more she is afraid of losing. She wants to grasp the love they gave, but she suddenly finds that she can't grasp it at all, except that she keeps writing, and more and more the better.She locked herself in the room and began to write day and night, but she seemed to suddenly lose the ability to express.What she writes is always fragments of words, she can't explain the cause and effect of things clearly, and the characters in her novels begin to become neurotic, confused, and constantly make wrong choices for no reason.During the winter vacation, she hid in a small room and became a pale and disheveled girl. She put her hands between her legs and squeezed desperately, because she was about to freeze.She finally knew that here, she couldn't write anything anymore, and she had to leave.She looked out the window and said softly: Just wait for spring to come.

She left in May.There was no call before.She still appeared on the university campus with a casual appearance, taking few classes, and hid in a small cheap coffee shop outside the school to daze or do graffiti.Her parents often visit her because the university is in the city where she has always lived.They brought her her favorite fruits and small cookies, and showed her some clipped newspapers, introducing her and her books, and evaluating her novels-no doubt, she was more and more popular. The more attention you get, the more recognition you get from a wider audience.But is she a woman writer?She raised her head blankly, looking at her parents who were satisfied and relieved, and she wanted to tell them that she felt threatened because she couldn't write a word, and there was nothing she could hold tightly in her hands.During those days, she didn't buy any new clothes, she just took out the old ones to dry. When the skirts were floating under the high and blazing northern sun, she squinted her eyes and looked up, like a mysterious flying carpet, whoosh. Just go elsewhere, she thought.Suddenly one day, she disappeared.She carried a large backpack, clothes, daily necessities and stacks of manuscripts that she hadn't finished.It was not discovered until a few days later, because she often disappeared, and the roommates would think that she had gone back to their house.Eventually they knew, she was gone.But many days have passed, and no one knows where she went.She's definitely not one to leave a provocative note when she leaves.The desk was empty, not a single word she wrote.

3) She went to Jiangnan because she kind of likes the slow air and light rain.She hopes that everything around her will slow down, have less conflicts with her, and not disturb her, so that she can live in a world as slow as a slightly swaying boat. After she stayed in a small hotel, she wanted to go shopping in the street.She didn't hold an umbrella, and the rain dazzled her eyes a little, so she just walked in one direction.The path was winding, and she turned whenever she saw a turn.Don't look at the house number, don't look at the street name, don't recognize the direction.In this way, she walked to the small alley where he was.She felt that the small houses in this section were especially dilapidated, and the red bricks were still exposed.

common.Then she saw the signboard.The rain scattered the characters wrapped in hemp grass, and she could barely make out the characters on it as Sanzhuo.In fact, she didn't think of it as a place to take pictures. She thought it might be a small tea house with small tables, chairs and benches in the open air.Perhaps because the crimson sign is so friendly, the owner planted a lot of roses at the gate of the small courtyard. The pale pink roses gradually spread from the height, covering most of the wooden door, like a bride wearing a flower head.Several wooden photo frames of different sizes are pasted on the wooden door.The photos inside are all in very simple colors, including shy girls and glamorous flowers.The girls in those photo frames are really pretty, some of them are very simple and pure, while some are coquettish and gorgeous.The girl stood at the door and looked at it for a long time. She seemed to have forgotten her own appearance. She hoped that she would walk in and become one of them, with the most beautiful flowers as a foil, smiling brightly.But she didn't knock on the door, because she felt that she was too embarrassed to take pictures today, and she seemed to know that this was a very important visit.When she turned around, she found that the rose petals on the door had quietly scattered all over her hair.

She couldn't fall asleep at night, so she got up and sat on the desk in front of the window to write.She said, I suspect that it is a peach blossom garden, where beautiful girls and handsome men who take pictures of them live. They play chess and drink tea, or play lanterns by guessing riddles... They love each other, and they don't know the years outside.This is the first discovery I made here, it may have extraordinary significance to me, I can faintly feel it. Our little female writer didn’t go to see the flowing water, the chic little courtyard, and the awning boat. When the second sunny day came, she changed into her favorite white plain plaid shirt and dark purple gauze skirt. To visit the place she suspects is Peach Blossom Spring.At that moment, the girl put on her little black leather shoes, brushed her hair, and rushed out impatiently.She was running on an unfamiliar street, and her flying and bright posture foreshadowed something. Of course it was beautiful, but because it was too blooming and intense, it also made people feel uneasy.

When she knocked on the door of "San Zhuo", she still didn't feel that she was going to take pictures.She just wanted to see the cave inside and see what the people inside were doing.She knocked on the door for a long time, but still no one came to open it.But she believed that there was someone inside, because the door was slightly open. She tried her best to look in through the crack of the door, but she could only see a very deep courtyard inside, and there was a puppy who ran to the door to see her.It was a small dark brown shorthaired dachshund with pricked ears and alert almond eyes, very wide open, like a poor little sufferer.It barked softly at her, raised its head and looked at her so sadly all the time.She decided to go in by herself.

She pushed open the door, and there was a small pond in the yard, in which water lilies were planted, but because it was not yet midsummer, all she could see were small round green leaves, like pieces of green circular patterns pasted on it. Tranquil water.There are goldfish in the pond, and the goldfish are also small, so they don’t flock together in a hurry——she is often afraid of things that flock together suddenly, like fish, ants, clouds, or flowing blood.She gets dizzy when she sees it. She also saw grape racks and white European-style tables and chairs, and grape vines had already wrapped around them. The combination of green and bright white was very comfortable.The puppy barked behind her, its sound was not loud, but a bell on its neck rang very loudly following her.She leaned down to talk to the puppy, what's your name, she asks kindly, tilting her head?Have you had breakfast yet?Her almond-shaped eyes and its almond-shaped eyes looked at each other without blinking, as if they were competing to see who was more round and bigger.Before she recovered, she heard the sound of a man coughing gently from behind her.She hurriedly turned around—the man was standing by the door of the main room, a middle-aged man with a beard, slender cheeks, and eyes behind black-rimmed glasses, which looked very secret, like two fragments of meteorites, but Still with a blazing temperature.He was wearing a loose white linen gown, which could slightly reveal the skin color of his body. He opened three buttons, revealing half of his chest, with bone marks on his chest. He was very thin.And his khaki corduroy trousers were covered with dirt from the bottom of the trousers to the knees, as if he had traveled a long distance when there was rain.The man was actually frowning all the time, with an unfriendly expression on his face.But in fact, when the man opened the door that day, he saw some beautiful scenes: a girl squatted there talking to his puppy, she had big eyes, she must be very emotional Girl, she was exchanging glances with the puppy when she was talking. But he still said very angrily: "We are not open now, I am resting. Why did you break in like this!" His tone was very fierce, he looked like he hadn't woken up, and there were bloodshot eyes in his red eyes . She stood up and turned to look at the man.She asked softly, "Are you San Zhuo?" "how?" "Are you the photographer here?" she asked again. "Yeah, what's the matter?" The man became more and more impatient. "I want to say that the picture at your door is very nice." The girl smiled unnaturally. "Of course, you don't need to talk about this. I will be satisfied with the photos I can show others." The man said bluntly. "Hmm..." The girl felt the man's unfriendliness, "So, can you take a photo for me?" "We're closed now, I'm sleeping!" the man shouted angrily. The girl didn't speak anymore, but she stood still and didn't move, she didn't look like she wanted to leave.The puppy came over again and circled around her, obviously the puppy liked her very much.She felt that she was a bit rambunctious, the man had issued an order to evict the guest, but she Still standing there motionless.She and the man were in such a deadlock, she began to look up at the man, and the man made her feel kind, because she liked those who were unkempt and unconstrained by growth, free things, things that flow naturally and freely, let her She feels comfortable.Finally, the man couldn't stand being watched by her, and said angrily: "Come in, hurry up and finish the filming, don't just stand here!" The girl blinked at the puppy, as if thanking it for its cooperation. The room is very dark, one room after another. The photographer explained that there will be different sets in different rooms, so that many photos with different effects can be taken.She roughly saw the idyllic scenery with corn planted and half of the wall, the underwater world made of blue glass, with a fishtail coat sewn with scales, it would be a beautiful mermaid, and the sky With Yun Duo, Jing Hao sleeping in the clouds also excited her.The man asked: Which one do you want to shoot?The girl said: Help me choose. The man shrugged helplessly.He suddenly remembered something, and said dejectedly: "My assistant is out, no one is doing your makeup!" The girl stood there watching the man anxiously, and finally the man painted for her himself. The girl looks nervous in front of the dressing table.All the bangs in front of her were lifted up, and the whole face was facing the mirror that was so big that it could be seen at a glance, and this strange man.The man started to put foundation on her and trim her eyebrows.Her eyebrows were very thin and pale, so he had to trim them very carefully, and one mistake might lose a piece.Only then did she realize that he was doing things very carefully, his eyebrows were trimmed one by one, and his chin was above her forehead. She raised her eyes and looked at his face. The man always looked serious.She could hear the man's breathing rising and falling above her.She didn't dare to move because it seemed harmonious and she didn't want to disturb him.He used an eyebrow pencil to draw her eyebrows, which were just the right brown and curved.He asked her during a break between makeup: "Have you ever done makeup yourself?" "No, no one else has painted me. I never wear makeup," said the girl. "Are you still a student?" The girl felt that the man's tone of question was a bit contemptuous, as if he was mocking her for being young and ignorant. "But I'm writing a novel..." the girl retorted. "Write novels while reading? Then you are still a student." The girl stopped arguing, she felt that he thought of herself very lowly, and felt very disappointed in her heart, but she didn't tell him again that she was already a female writer who had published her own book.She was sure he would never believe it, and he would laugh at her. "Did you come here secretly to play? - Your accent is not local." The man's inquiry actually represented his affirmation. "Hmm..." She replied vaguely.The man asked no more questions. After the makeup was done, the man held her face up and looked at it carefully.Her big eyes looked at the man in horror.The man suddenly smiled.She asked: "Why are you laughing, is there something wrong with my face?" "No, I think it's very interesting. You are a little girl who hasn't grown up yet, but with makeup on, it's completely different." She looked at herself in the mirror, the girl's pupils were very bright now, and there was a light purple eyeshadow beside her eyes, which made her more elegant, and the blush was peachy, making one look as if smelling the sweetness of fresh fruit.When the man stood behind her and coiled her hair on top of her head into two slightly sloping buns, she felt as beautiful as a girl from a noble family in the Middle Ages in Europe.What an amazing person is the photographer behind him, he can paint people so beautifully. He took out a black dress with silver trim and handed it to her to change into.She doesn't seem to have grown out yet, her shoulders are so narrow that the dress doesn't quite hold up yet.She came out to show him, and he nodded reluctantly.So they started filming. He asked her to stand under the cool gray background, looking at the camera, and then he turned on several large white square lights, which were so bright that she couldn't keep her eyes open for a while.He started teaching her how to pose.He said, you stand dignifiedly, look over with your eyes, and smile slightly on your lips.She tried her best to do what he said, but because she seldom took pictures and was a person who seldom smiled, her expression looked very strange.He had to put down the camera and say to her: "Smile naturally, smile like you usually do, don't be so fake..." "I don't usually smile." The girl replied.The man looked at her angrily, so he said again: "Then think of something happy and laugh." "I don't have anything to be happy about." The girl said again, she wasn't deliberately contradicting the man, she just felt wronged suddenly, it was like this, she hadn't laughed many times, and she really couldn't think of anything that could be done. Things that make her laugh.She could not have said these things, but the grievance that suddenly surged up, as if she was about to rush out urgently, she said so uncontrollably.Sure enough, the man became very angry. He must have felt that the girl was playing tricks on him.He licked his dry lips and said bitterly: "Laugh even if you don't know how to laugh! Now I'm a photographer, you have to listen to me!" The man continued to teach the girl poses and expressions, and the girl learned it very seriously, but she still couldn't smile naturally and smoothly. "Your body is very stiff, like cold wood, do you know that?" The man said to her viciously, and he had to put down the camera again, "Can you move your waist?" The girl moved her waist, but she actually tensed more and more because she felt embarrassed and ashamed.She knew it was a very simple thing, but she couldn't do it well.She suddenly felt that she had been trapped in a small room, lying down like an animal and writing day and night, and almost lost the ability to move, so her hands and feet were degenerating, and her reactions became slower and slower. Coordination is almost impossible to achieve.The man kicked the lamp: "Forget it, don't shoot this group! Go change clothes." Of course she also likes the lotus-colored satin dress chosen by the man for the girl.He took her to another scene.It was a luxurious and gorgeous European-style background.There is a red fireplace and a very luxurious sofa chair.The sofa chair was very large, covered with a large flower-patterned cloth of crimson satin velvet, and trimmed with a wide ring of carved mahogany.The man asked her to sit on it, barefoot, and a pair of red pointed high-heeled slender shoes were placed under the sofa.The man spread a piece of white soft cloth behind her. Blanket.Although she couldn't see it, she thought, it must be very beautiful, it is very extravagant and gorgeous, and it will have an undeniable brilliance.She also began to want to find the feeling of a lady who can sit on this kind of chair. "You can let it be more natural, put your legs here naturally, and draw your chin down again. Eyes, look at me, eyes are the most important! Eyes should be bright, and you can't look slack, but don't be stupid. Stare so big..." The man told her the whole feeling again.She started to get flustered, adjusting her clothes, but she felt awkward when she put them together, so she had to start over again.She lowered her head, it was too low, then raised it up a little, eyes, she tried to adjust the size of the eyes to normal, looked straight at the camera, a few seconds later, before he took the picture, she had already started to shed tears, the whole The eyes are red and red. "You are not allowed to blink!" The man almost jumped up, he took out two tissues from the tissue bag in his pocket and wiped her tears, and her makeup was all gone.The black of the eyeliner was soaked, and the tears flowed down.She didn't know what to do, so she stretched out her hand in a panic and wiped it with the back of her hand, so her entire eye circles were darkened.The man has put down the camera and stopped all work.With his hands on his waist, he looked coldly at the girl's pretty face.The girl knew that it was getting worse, she gradually let go of the hand that was still helping in vain, and stood there in a state of embarrassment.She was still barefoot, and clusters of cold air from the ground drilled upwards along the soles of her feet. She was devastated, how she tried so hard to be good, to be his most beautiful model, but she made a mess.She was still a student indeed, ignorant, feeble, and very slow-witted. She suddenly realized that there was already a woman standing beside her and him.A woman in her twenties, with a very thin waist, wearing a cheongsam that wraps tightly around her body, but the cheongsam is not a dull and simple cheongsam, but an improved one, which should be specially made by her.The collar of the cheongsam is wide open, revealing her beautiful two collarbones.Her facial features are very small, put together is a unique face of a Jiangnan woman.The woman is looking at them.She looked at the woman, and the woman said to her with a smile: "Miss, don't mind, Sanzhuo just has a bad temper, and he has no bad intentions." She nodded. She should have thought that there must be a woman living here. From the pond to the inside, everything is in good order. There must be a woman there—is she his wife... The woman said again: "Sanzhuo, what's the matter? I can't get along with the little girl!" San Zhuo said coldly: "I've never seen such a stupid woman! She's just a wooden doll." There were tears in the girl's eyes, she didn't speak, she bit her lip and looked at Sanzhuo.Is she hating him, hating him for talking about himself so badly?But if so, she could have escaped earlier, couldn't she?She has been staying here, trying her best to follow his request. Could it be that she is trying to humiliate herself?She wants him to give a little encouragement, saying that she is not so bad, and he should encourage her slowly, but he is so impatient... Sanzhuo turned away and left, leaving behind the words: "You can come back tomorrow, today's things don't matter." The kind and beautiful woman walked the girl out of the gate and comforted her by saying: "Maybe you're not in the right shape today, but you'll be fine tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll put on makeup and choose clothes for you—do you still like those clothes?" "They're all pretty." The girl said softly. The woman patted her on the head and said with a smile, "I did it all." "Ah, you did it... Your hands are so skillful!" The girl turned around and looked at the tidy courtyard, the small pond where the little goldfish grew up happily, and the little dog had already started to surround its mistress's body. The heels turned.It's perfect, nothing is missing.The girl turned her head again, and sadly exited the courtyard. 4) The girl can't express her inner sadness. She seems to have never felt such a deep sense of frustration at such a moment.Is she the elegant and noble female writer she thinks she is?She wants to be a woman who pleases others, but at the moment she seems to be a dull and boring school girl.And he, a good-looking but bad-tempered man, does he hate himself so much? She sat on the window sill with her knees hugged and looked outside all night.The next morning she found herself curled up and sleeping on the windowsill like a dying sick cat.It's a cold place, people are turning away from me, they don't welcome me at all.The girl said to herself, she missed her northern city a little for the first time.And the question now is, should she go to him again today?Maybe she just went to find more people to ridicule and scold, maybe she would become more desperate and mournful, maybe she would pack up her bags immediately and leave this city... Then why did she go?But she still changed her clothes, washed her face, and then went out.Maybe she just wanted to get closer to that cozy little courtyard again, maybe she just wanted to see him again, and she even had a glimmer of hope that he would think her better this time, and it would offset some of the bad impression she had left on him .So she had to go, otherwise she would be invariably bad in his heart, and would never get better again. The girl knocked on the door of the small courtyard again, and the woman poked her head out, and when she saw it was her, she opened the door with a smile: "You're here. Come in quickly. I'll put on makeup for you first, Sanzhuo hasn't woken up yet..." The woman's voice was very soft, she seemed to have been prepared, and locked the puppy in the inner room, worried that she would The puppies will have a lot of trouble again. The woman painted her makeup very carefully, and her hands were very light, and it could even be seen that she was much more skilled than the man.But when she looked in the mirror, she felt that it seemed too rich and gaudy, and she looked like an adult woman.But she did not express any dissatisfaction.The woman looked at herself in the mirror, smiled and said: "What a beauty. I don't know how many girls died of jealousy when I went out." The woman led her to change clothes again, and the woman put her on a black chest-touching pair and a pair of white trousers with a good drape.She had dressed her up as a grim evening girl. During the time when she was doing makeup and changing clothes for the girl, the woman talked about Sanzhuo, the photography studio and her own affairs scatteredly.She seemed to be talking unintentionally, but when she changed her clothes, she found that the woman had roughly told her the whole situation here. San Zhuo is a great artist in a woman's words.He left this small town many years ago to study his beloved photography.After college, he began to collect pictures from all over the world, taking pictures of all the things he thought were beautiful.But after a year he had to call off his excursions because he had no money left.He stayed in a big city and found a few friends who he knew well to open a photo studio (there was no such thing as a studio at that time). Their ideas were very novel, and the photos were naturally different from ordinary photo studios. So business is very good.Women have known him since then.When a woman takes a photo, she is probably ordered by him how to pose and what kind of expression to show. "However, I didn't feel any shame or embarrassment at the time. I just felt that I had to listen to him. He was right. You think it's strange?" The woman paused for a while and smiled intoxicatedly.The girl thought she probably knew that feeling. In front of that man named Sanzhuo, it seemed that she easily lost her ability to make decisions, and she was still willing. Later, San Zhuo had a disagreement with several of his partner friends.The reason is that Sanzhuo hopes to stick to the current shooting style and shoot something free and clear.But those few people insisted on profit first and decided to only take more profitable wedding photos.Sanzhuo felt that it lacked innovation, and he insisted that he still take ordinary artistic photos.So they began to run on him, and began to plot against him secretly.Finally, they couldn't bear Sanzhuo's stubbornness anymore, and on a day when Sanzhuo went out to shoot on location, they swept away all the valuable things in the shop, and the whole shop was empty.When Sanzhuo went back, there was nothing there, he was standing by the door with a tripod in his hand, and he saw that it looked like a small abandoned workshop—maybe it was at that time that he began to hate dealing with people or making friends, He no longer wants to trust anyone.The woman happened to visit him again that day, and after taking that set of photos, the woman came to see him many times, bringing him and his friends a lot of handmade dim sum or dumplings.San Zhuo is very flat to her, he will not drive her away, nor will she keep her.But that day, when Sanzhuo was staring at an empty house in a daze, a woman came.The woman stood behind him, and she quickly understood what was going on.She walked forward slowly, and hugged Sanzhuo's waist from behind, she said, don't mind, you are still so young, you can start all over again, and I will always be with you. San Zhuo and the woman who was willing to follow him left that sad city.At first, San Zhuo planned to still go to various places to collect pictures and publish his own photography collection.But after walking for a while, they had to stop again, and opened a temporary photo studio in a small city to fight for some travel expenses before going on the road.That kind of photo studio can even be quite simple, such as only taking one-inch graduation photos for students, and half-length photos for elderly couples.Because of their dexterity, women can also do some sewing and mending.That's it, they walk all the way, shoot all the way, and stop to open a shop for a while when they need money.This kind of life is seven years.Their machines are too old and must be replaced with new ones, and the photos are almost accumulated, but they are rejected by many publishing houses. They don't think that such personalized things can make any money.San Zhuo was hit hard again. The photos he took for many years were almost worthless waste film in the eyes of those people.He started throwing things again, refused to eat, and gave up on himself.The woman was always with him, and she had such a good temper that she could make him lose his temper, throw things, yell at her, and even tell her to go away.In the end, the woman began to persuade Sanzhuo to let him go back to the small town of his hometown to stay for a while and open a small shop with peace of mind. A place where living feels intimate and safe.In addition, they can continue to contact the publishing house and discuss with them about the photo collection. "We will never give up. This collection must be published." The woman said firmly, her bold tone was like a heroine. "You and him are already married..." The girl thought and thought, and finally asked. "Ah no, we don't. He doesn't like tangling, and maybe he's just used to treating me like a girl, or at most treats me as a relative. He may not have that kind of passionate affection for me. But I don't care, being able to accompany him like this, inseparable, is it any different from a husband and wife, don't you think so?" The woman spoke very humbly, without any concealment or concealment of her humbleness.The girl nodded. At this time, San Zhuo had already gotten up, his hair was disheveled, and he was wearing a gray round neck vest.He came over to look at the girl carefully, reprimanded her and said: "How can you put such heavy makeup on her, she is still such a child." "But she looks good like this. The facial features are very distinct, and she has a more contoured sense..." "There's no need for a sense of outline! She's such a child, she can't even be recognized if she is painted like this. Make her lighter!" The man dropped the words again and left.The woman stopped talking, and took a wet tissue to wipe the girl's makeup. When she came to the man again, the man was standing at the gate.The man looked at her face again, facing the sun—it was a sunny day without rain, and the sky was so blank that it made people dizzy.Then the man said: "It's sunny today, let's go outside and take pictures." The man was not discussing, he had already gone out with a reflective plate and a tripod.The girl stood there in amazement, and she asked in a low voice: "What am I wearing?" "Just wear this on yourself, you don't need to change it." The man said without turning his head. "Then, then I'll go too." The woman shouted anxiously from behind. "You stay at home, the store can't be unattended." The man still didn't turn his head, but his tone was firm, like an order. 5）女孩跟在男人后面，他带着她走过青石板路，一直通到一个面积很大的水塘。青草地和围绕着水塘栽种的尚且幼细的小柳树。他让她站过去，随便靠在柳树上。她穿得就是一件简单得有点像睡袍的淡蓝色裙子，裙子洗过太多次，已经很像是白色的了，裙角向上卷起来，像是蔫掉的花瓣。她站在裙子的中央，露出她的锁骨和长脖子，像是插在裙子里的一支细细的花。而她昨日没睡，黑眼圈甚为严重，加之眼睛本就大得出奇，所以现在她那张苍白的小脸上，好像就只剩下一双眼睛了。 “你昨天没睡觉吗？那么严重的黑眼圈，怎么照相？”男人蹙着眉头对她说。 她看着男人，也不说话，心里暗暗地想，他又开始挑剔自己的毛病了。 “难道你晚上忘记了关窗户，吸血蝙蝠飞进来，吸走了你的血？所以你变得干瘪瘪的！”男人又下了一个断言。她听他说话的口气像是给三四岁的小孩说故事，她于是笑了一下。就在她笑的那一刹那，他飞快地按动了快门。她愣了一下，他得意地一笑： “你这不是会笑嘛？” 她慢慢收住笑，站在那里不知道再做什么动作。 “你就随便左走几步，右走几步，随便走，对，不用看我的镜头。就当我不存在。”三卓说。女孩开始小步子地左走几步，右走几步。 “你喜欢写文章？”三卓一边按动快门，拍女孩走动的样子，一边问她。女孩心里暗暗地有些开心，她想，那日她对他说得话，他居然还记得。但女孩没有应声，仍是走。她左右走得有些厌倦了，开始绕着柳树走，前前后后，一会儿探出个脸，一会儿侧着身子仰望天空。 “喂！我问你话呢，你怎么不回答？”男人还在按动快门，很不满地问。 “你不是让我当你不存在嘛？”女孩又笑了，狡黠地眨眨眼睛——她竟给男人开起玩笑来，忽然之间好像完全失去了那种阴骘的气息。三卓连忙又按动快门，抓怕下她的微笑，然后他说： “会笑，还会捉弄人，可是却装得那么冷酷，这是你们现在女孩儿的习惯吗？” “我是喜欢写作的，尤其喜欢小说。”女孩没有回答他的新问题，却回答起他刚才的提问。 “嗯，长大立志要做作家？”男人又问，同时他对女孩说，“你坐下来，随意地坐在草地上，甚至躺下，你怎么舒服就怎么做。”女孩于是抱着膝盖坐下来。 “我已经长大了。”女孩反驳说，其实她倘若再气盛一点，兴许还会冲出一句“我现在就是作家”了。但是她觉得女人说得有些话是很对的，在他的面前，女人总是变得很低很低，并且是完全甘愿的。她此时亦感到如此，她觉得自己丝毫没有必要在他的面前逞能，他必然不会喜欢那种强大的女子，她相信。 “好吧，未来的女作家。你写东西是不是需要灵感的？”男人又问，示意女孩变变姿势。女孩侧着头枕在双膝上，微微合上了眼睛，她没有刻意微笑，所以看起来是十分哀怨地睡过去了。 “当然需要啊。”女孩回答。 “唔，对，你别动，这样很不错。你知道你现在的样子像是什么？——像圣诞夜在窗户外面冻死的买火柴的小女孩。”男人停顿了一下，又转而说灵感的问题：“摄影也是一样，需要灵感，所以你需要配合一下，不是说你一定要做出多么变化多端的动作，也不是让你成为一个喜剧演员，脸上像个魔方一样变换表情。只是说，你要按照你的一种心情和情绪慢慢变化着，给我提供一种灵感，比如刚才，你抱着自己的膝盖上睡着了，哀怨的表情就让我想起了卖火柴的小女孩，这就会给这张照片提供一种情绪。”男人用一种和气的语气在告诉女孩一些道理，他看着她的眼睛，希望她能理解。 “我，知道了。”女孩慢慢地说，她仰着脸，长大嘴巴吸了一口气——此间三卓还按动了快门，他觉得这个动作也很有趣。女孩慢慢向后仰下身子去，躺在草地上，仰着脸，睁大眼睛看着天空，问三卓： “我能自己小声说话吗？” "certainly." 女孩仰脸向天，深深地一口一口喘气：“我会有时候觉得憋闷，你知道吗？就是，觉得呼吸接近尾声了。然后耳边会有潮汐的声音，一起一伏，很奇怪，我生长在一个内陆城市，从来没有见过海，可是却常常能够听到此起彼伏的潮声，一点一点逼近，最后兴许就会把我淹没过去。然而我害怕的倒不是什么死亡，反倒是这些活着的日子，更令我恐惧。”女孩再次坐起来，她双手合十，做了一个十分虔诚的祷告的姿势。 “你在恐惧着什么？”男人问得十分轻声，生怕惊扰了紧闭双目的女孩。 “我常常觉得，眼前的这一切，没有什么是能够抓在手中的。身边的人常常告诉我，提醒我，我是个幸运的姑娘，我在变得越来越美好，拥着比别人更多的东西。可是我却不这么想。当我每一次低头看我手里握着的东西的时候，我觉得，它们的抵达，完全是一种偶然，是一种随机性的恩赐，并非是我通过不懈努力所能获得的什么。它们往往有太多不确定的因素，它们当然可以属于我，但是也可以不属于我，它们随时可能离开我，那也没什么好说的，只是我的交了坏运气而已。所以其实我寻常得很，只是运气稍稍好了些罢了。而我的手中，什么也抓不住，也许某个早晨醒来，我睁开眼睛，就会发现手中已经空了，什么也没有，一点痕迹也没有。”女孩站起来，拍拍裙子，回过身去，兀自就向前走去。 男人跟随过去，女孩走到了池塘旁边，她脱下脚上的凉鞋，然后把两只脚放进水里。池塘里有很多水草，她双脚一挑，就勾起来好多在她的脚踝上缠缠绕绕的碧绿碧绿的藤曼。她把脚抬得很高，悬在空中，停顿了一会儿，让男人拍——她已经知道什么样的姿势他也许会喜欢。男人按动了几下快门，对她说： “水很凉，上来吧。” “不会呀，好舒服的。”女孩摇摇头。她的两只脚开始前后摆动，溅起好多的水。 “你是有着自己好大好大的理想的人吧？”女孩侧过头去，冲他一笑，好像把他看穿了一样的。男人停顿了一下，继续拍照，不应她。 “你当然是的，我第一眼看到你就知道了。但是你一直没有实现它，一年一年的坚持和盼望，可是离着那个目标还是那么远，你开始灰心了吧。那种感觉，是不是也觉得，那么多年，仍旧两手空空呢？我虽然小，可是已经看清了，这条艺术的道路，永远是令人怀疑和自卑的，它不会给你什么确定的东西，让你抓在手中，再也不会失去。它是一条滑溜溜的鱼，随时可能跑掉，可是它也有这样的诱惑力，能使你找了魔一样地去追逐它。” 男人很是惊讶，面前这个十九岁的女孩，忽然说出那么深刻的对艺术的理解。这些话应该来自一个沧桑的，从这样的道路上走过半生的老者，而不是她，眼前这个眼睛大而空灵，总是带着一种郁结的哀愁的女孩。他放下了相机，掏出香烟抽上，然后悠悠地说： “我可没灰心。” “嗯，是啊，你也不老，应该仍旧干劲十足。何况你现在并不是什么也没有啊，你有你的小院子工作室，你有那么通情达理体贴入微的女人，你还有一条长得不赖的小狗……”她伸出手指帮他算着。 “都不重要，或者说，我从未感觉到他们是我的。” 女孩仔细回想了几遍他的这句话，她是想揣测他是否喜欢那个女人，现在从他的话来看，似乎他对她毫不重视。可是，她在干什么啊，她为什么要这样费尽心思地探究他内心的想法？她越想越慌神，忽然从他的手里躲过烟来，狠狠地吸了一口。她慢慢吐出来，然后她用食指和中指松松地夹住烟，下颌抬起，眼神迷离，对他说： “这样给照一张吧。” “不照。小孩子抽什么烟？别把什么艺术和这个连在一起。”男人生气地看着她。 她把烟又放到他的手里，眯起眼睛，忽然神神秘秘地说：“烟真是好东西，我猜我以后肯定离不开它。” 他们那天拍了数不清的照片，他不断换胶卷，他们也不断移换地方。小山坡，富人家别墅的后花园，儿童乐园……她从来没有想过，自己可以那么自然地拍照，其实这根本不像拍照，反而像是一场加进了动作和表情的对话，它完善而且深刻，令人永远难忘。他显然对这些照片很满意，不知疲倦地一直拍着，和她一来一回地交谈。这些时候，他有些忘记了女孩的年龄，也或者是他忽略了自己的年龄，这样的谈话好像应该发生在大学时代，那是一些总是下着令人着迷和沉沦的雾的日子，前路是看不清的，年轻的孩子们只是纵情地在迷蒙中相爱并关怀彼此。 天已经完全黑了，他们走在回来的路上，他看到她的脸上有黑色的一块尘灰，使她只有一双大眼睛的小脸有点滑稽。他伸出手，轻轻地抚抚她的脸，帮她把那块黑色抹去。她一动不动，站在那里，笔直笔直的，像是在等候老师发令的小学生。 快跨进三卓摄影工作室门槛的时候，三卓忽然侧头俯身在她的耳边说： “你知道吗，我年轻时候的愿望，就是能遇到一个像你这么样的姑娘，一起谈论这些不着边际的有关艺术道路之类的大道理，这样相伴几十年，恐怕也不会厌倦。”她在黑暗里抬起头来看他的脸，聚满了光辉，而木头门上面的蔷薇花花瓣，又开始洋洋洒洒地落在他和她的头上。她觉得这是一个太令人沉溺的场景了，如果不回应他一点什么，她一定会觉得遗憾死的。于是她翘起脚尖来，伸出双臂揽住他的脖子，轻轻问： “现在还来得及吗？先生。” 男人没有说话，用手捏捏她的脸，说： “我们进去吧，都饿坏了。” “我不进去了，我要回去了。——什么时候能来取照片？”女孩也冷静下来。 “两天之后。”男人亦不留她，看着她转身跑掉了。 6）这是怎样的两天呢，女孩开始感到更加炽烈的煎熬。她每天只睡很少的觉。坐在窗台或者楼梯上想事情。或者摊开稿纸开始写下自己的情绪。 “现在终于知道，为什么会有一种潜意识里的引导，让我离开我的大学，让我决定来到江南，让我决定选择这个无名的小镇停留下来，让我走过那条小弄并最终决定敲响他的大门，原来，他是在这里。现在终于知道，为什么自己一贯会是那样冷冰冰没有一丝热情的脸，原来是要把热情都攒起来，用在这里，用在和他之间。这肯定是我一生当中，无比重要的一个印记，虽然我还不知道，它会是什么形状，是灾难还是吉祥……” 女人当是察觉了男人和女孩的异样，因为那日里他那么晚才回来，却很安静，没有对她发什么牢骚。他和她坐下吃饭，他仍旧一言不发。她想开口问，可是觉得这肯定会令他不高兴。饭后他一个人躲进最里面的房间里洗照片，而那一夜，他都没有出来。 次日女人上街买菜，中午回来的时候，看到女孩蜷缩着坐在他家门口，她一看到女人来，就仓惶地站起来。女人仍旧笑吟吟的，让她进去坐，女孩拼命摇头，说自己记错了取相片的日子，然后她就飞快地跑掉了。女人注意到她头发散乱，上面落了好多蔷薇花瓣，坐在这里的时间应是不短。女人进门去，三卓还在摆弄那些照片。女人说： “拍照的那个女孩来过，刚才坐在大门口。”她眼睛直直地看着他，观察他的反应。果然男人立刻抬起头来，十分关心的样子：“她现在还在吗？” “她走了。”女人第一次放弃了对他句句话都温柔的决心，冷冰冰地回应，她看到男人的眼睛黯淡下去，他很快把头低下，又开始摆弄那些照片和底片。 第二日女人就看到男人洗好了照片，把它们一张一张夹起来，挂在几根高高的铁丝上。她必须承认，那些照片美得令人惊异。那可能是很多年三卓多没有捕捉到，拍下来的东西，那是一种年轻的，繁茂的，生涩的，未经修剪的，天然并且纯澈的美。女孩脸上几乎看不出妆容，头发也只是简单的披散着，白裙子上毫无装饰。可是女孩在笑啊，在动啊，每一张都是流动的，都是小溪一般清冽的。她笑得没心没肺，又不知什么缘故地如此忧伤。她不是简单的小孩过着青春期的姑娘，她身上也有一种浓郁的女人气味，她的狡黠，她的嘴角微抿都构成一种诱惑，而她是在面对着的是三卓，她在勾引他吗……女人根本无法插话，她看到了男人的喜悦，他很久很久都没有这样开心过，他太喜欢这些照片了，这是他的宝贝，这是他最满意的艺术品。他甚至哼起了歌，每一张照片都要拿到眼前看个仔细。 终于到了第三日。男人起了个大早。他对女人说，你今天去城里买胶卷和那些需要更换的零件吧。女人知道他是要把自己支走，她当然可以找各种理由留下，但是她亦不愿意违背男人的心意，她太了解他的脾气了，他固执地做一件事情，一定会坚持到把它做完为止，她如果留下，他肯定还会找机会和她单独会面。并且她也不希望他对自己有一丁点不满，于是女人点点头，离开了。 女孩一会儿之后就来了。她和他的见面变得局促。他们什么也没有说，他忽然领起她的手，穿过了里里外外的房间，一直走到了最里面的一件。她就看到一排一排的铁丝上，挂着的都是她的照片。他一排一排领着她穿梭此间： “你看看，有多么好看！”女孩看着，心中的确十分欢喜。男人是看懂了她的人，所以可以把她拍得格外美丽，那种美丽是打碎了，又经过三卓的眼睛拼贴起来再造的，它是一种全新的诠释，会和任何一个其他状态的她不一样。是因为有爱在吗，这些照片上的她是那么动人，笑和忧伤都来得自然。 他把照片敛起来一套给她。这做为一个完整的拍摄过程，已经到了尾声了。他们都站着，又僵住了。而门外忽然变了天，几分钟只好就下起了暴雨。雨来得很猛烈，屋子里面变得阴寒。那时她已经站在门口了，雨倒是令他们暂时不必为这个分开的事情踌躇尴尬。小狗钻进屋子里来，抖了抖身上的毛，杏核眼睛又和她的眼睛对视起来。 “坐一下吧，太冷了。等雨停了再走。”男人温和地说。男人靠近女孩，把她拉到客厅里的布沙发上坐。他碰到她的时候才发现，她身上滚烫滚谈的。他吓了一跳，慢慢把她揽过来，拥她在怀里： “怎么这么烫？在发烧吗？是不是这两天没有好好休息，也没有怎么吃饭？”男人的声音很是心疼。她只是软软地靠在他的身上，说： “我想我得走了。要离开这个小镇了，再这样下去我的意志会被消磨掉，可能我再也不能写下去了，我会失去我所有的。” “我想也是这样。可是却仍旧不舍得，一想到就会很心疼。” “别心疼，我会很乖，好好照顾自己，你也要。”女孩吻吻三卓的脸，也不拿照片，失神地就走去门口，她打开门，打算就这样走进雨里。男人忽然冲上去一把拉住了她的手臂。他把她抱了起来。他没有再说任何话，只是抱起她来向一个房间走去。她在他的怀里发出小动物一样轻微的叫声，可是并没有挣扎。 男人抱着她一直走近一个房间，这是他摄影棚的其中一个布景，里面是一个温馨的睡房的样子：梳妆台，衣柜，彩色玻璃的窗帘，还有一张铺着洁白床单的大床。她猜想他没有带她去他的睡房，是因为那是他和那个女人的空间，他不想让她看到。可是这里很冷，阴阴的冷，大约是因为这里从来不住人的关系。他把她放在大床上。她闭上了眼睛，她知道什么事情将要发生，她也害怕，可是她十分肯定地知道，她不能阻止它的发生，这就是，划在她生命里的深楚得印记。 男人把周围几只布光的方形大灯都搬过来，像是一圈花朵一样围住大床。女孩说： “太亮了。” “这儿没有被子，我怕你冷，灯多一些会暖和一点。” 女孩点点头，可是她却感到这像一场可怕的大手术，她在灼灼的手术灯下被看得那么清楚。 男人开始和女孩做爱。他亲吻她的全身，这个小人儿，是他最疼爱的宝贝，是他最珍惜的艺术品。他的吻那么轻柔，像是一片一片蓬松的羽毛一样落在她的身上。可她浑身仍是冰冷，瑟瑟发抖。他抱她再紧一些，——她那么地小，而且还在发烧，他不忍心再对她做什么了。可是他想拥有她，除此之外，他想不出还有什么办法来逼近她得灵魂。可是他必须靠近她，她美好而繁盛，她是他的。他亲吻女孩的脸颊，让她就把这个当做一场必须的旅行吧，他让她抓紧他…… 她开始流血，很多血，但是她没有叫，并且她并没有失去知觉。她还能用炯炯的目光看着男人，她伸出手摸了摸男人痛苦的脸庞。他并没有多么老，皮肤尚且很有弹性，而他还如男孩般明亮的眼睛在和她说话，她摸了摸他的眼窝，很平，没什么皱纹。她想，他还是强盛的，他还有很长的路，很多个机会去逼近他的梦想，这多么好。她最希望如此。 当所谓的平息到来的时候，男人把女孩抱在怀里，摇晃着她。女孩用十分微弱的声音说： “我想我以后的耳边再也不会有潮汐的声音了。因为那声音是你的，总在我的耳边，提示我，要找到你。当我走了之后，就不会再听到。” “我想办法跟你一道走吧。”男人说。 “不必了。我照顾不好你，我自己知道的。我们彼此都太自私了，要把彼此生生地据为己有。但是我们还属于艺术。谁能接受这样的事，我们都只能拥有彼此的一部分。” 她挣扎着起身，还在流血，像是被捣烂的花朵。她摇摇晃晃地站在地上： “我终是知道最后会是这样，但是我却一点也没有想要退缩，你知道这是为什么？” "why?" “因为我喜欢极至的状态，喜欢完全浸入的状态。这样我们都会记得，这样一个日子，我们曾靠得那么近，——唔，五月就快要过完了吧？”女孩说着，把给他的拍照的钱放在桌子上。 “不，我不要。”男人坚持说。 “要吧，不然我会觉得，这像是交换。”女孩惨然一笑，摇摇摆摆地向门口走去。男人赶上去从身后给她披上他的白色长衫。他多么心疼，想要再次紧紧抱住她，把她融化进自己的身体里。可是他的确是一个矮小者，是一个曾无数次灰心的人，他毫无力气。女孩拿起她的那些相片以及底片，冲出了房门。雨已经停了，虽然天还阴冷。小狗在院子里用小爪子和着泥巴，这里非常静谧，闯入者不应该打搅，不是吗？ 她穿过小院，迈出了木头门，男人在后面，像古代暮色里忧伤的斜塔。他嵌进了一个过去时态的背景里，终于，从此。 她一出大门就看到女人坐在门外面。女人看见她摇摇摆摆地走出来，心中很清楚。女人慢吞吞地开口： “你要是执意要留下来也可以，不过你必须……”她没有说完，女孩就摆了摆手，打断了她的话： “我不会跟你争夺什么，你照顾他照顾了那么多年，他其实早已变得依赖你，他离开你根本不能好好生活，可是他却不知道。嗯，我走了。”女孩从女人的身边擦过，她又摇摇摆摆地上路了，她必须回到旅店，然后离开这里。而五月还没有结束，粗暴的夏天刚刚开始。 她在第二天清早离开，离开的时候，她已经完全是一个成年女子的模样。 这一天，女人对三卓说：“我想要个咱们的孩子了。要一个乖巧漂亮的女孩，你会喜欢的。” “嗯。”三卓失神地点点头。 “那么我们结婚吧。” 事情发生得都是那么快，终于把五月迅速消灭掉了，这一年里最好的季节。 7）七年后，他仍旧和妻子还有女儿生活在这个小镇。他仍旧给人拍照，喜欢发脾气，小女儿有些怕他。可是她有一个相当温顺的妈妈，她总能平息爸爸的怒火。 男人收到了一个包裹。里面有两本书。一本是一个当代著名年轻女作家的长篇小说，《谁杀死了五月》。还有一本令他着实一惊。那是一个摄影集，署的是三卓的名字。里面都是那年他给女孩拍的照片。那么多年过去了，女孩的微笑还是透过纸张，散发了出来，令他止不住地一阵一阵心酸。她终于帮他实现了他的心愿，而在他的照相簿子里，那个女孩是一个模糊的人物，没有人会认得出，那是她了。他把摄影集紧紧抱在怀里，翻开她的小说，开始阅读。他们家的老狗在他的旁边俯身趴下了，它最近身体越来越不好了。 男人用了很长很长的时间来读这本书。这几本是女作家的自述，字字都很动情。令他非常惊讶的是，后半部分有一个叫做小卓的男孩出现了，他是她的儿子——他内心一惊，这是女作家的虚构，还是真实存在的人物呢？他一直都在想，却也想不清楚，由于太疲惫，渐渐地睡着了。 他的小女儿把他吵醒并没有什么重要的事，她仰脸对他说： “爸爸，明天是六一儿童节，你带我去游乐园好吗？” 男人喃喃地念了一声，六一，忽然问女儿： “可是五月就这样结束了吗？” “明天是六月啦。”女孩好心地提醒他。 小女孩看到有一滴自上面落下来的水，吧嗒一下，砸在那本叫做《谁杀死了五月》的书的封面上。