Chapter 11 day and night room (1)

The daylight in this room was always kept out, tightly shut out by thick cheesecloth curtains.I beg her, or him: please let in the day, let it in!I just wanted to see the face in front of me clearly.And she, or he, or they, just passed outside, walking up and down, making the sound of disappearing.I know they're killing the sun.And the days are running out. 1. BOX bar and the boy in the photo It's a summer night.Mo Xi was wearing a pair of thick sneakers and a large T-shirt with record advertisements printed on it, and ran down the mountain in a panic.She hops into a taxi driving down the road from the foot of the hill:

"The Box Bar, the one by the lake," she said.Then she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the window.By this time the sky outside the window had started to rain. This day is not a weekend, and because of the rain, the bar is not very lively.Perhaps no one has noticed this pale girl with her thin fingers tightly inserted in her jeans pockets. Her mid-length hair has not been dyed for a long time, with a malnourished yellowish color, and her eye sockets are sunken and black. The eye circles of the eyes are like a dynamic quagmire that is expanding in size at any time.She is like a bat, because the cotton shirt on her body is too big, she has been riding in the wind and rain, and her steps are fast, and she passed by the brown gate of the wooden fence of the BOX.

She walked swiftly down the dark passage of the bistro to an unsupported high chair in the corner and sat down.She ordered orange rum and looked around very alertly.The room was very dark, with the smoke that had been trapped here for a long time, which gave her the illusion that this was a big furnace for alchemy, and the people around were actually devout and evil believers.They are all looking for something they want, youth, money, a pretty face or good food, a good sex partner.There's nothing wrong with that, she thought, and she was searching too. She likes the light here, even if a band is singing, a few lights will not illuminate a strand of her hair.She likes the dark, so that her paleness and trance can be ignored, so that no one can see that she is not like girls of the same age living in this world.

In fact, in the past three months, she has never left the small room on the southern mountain of Jiecheng.There, she has a bed that's slightly wider than a single, a laptop that she carries around all the time, and a small refrigerator that she brought back from a flea market.She filled it with peach yogurt and discounted canned beer.Live by it every day.And she's been writing, she's writing her great novels.Every day, apart from going out to buy food and having simple exchanges with small vendors, she doesn't talk to anyone else. She has no phone, no neighbors, and no visiting friends.Yes, she needs such an environment to concentrate on finishing her novel.This is a novel about Xiaoyou every word.She wrote about Xiaoyou's death, like a beautiful flower that has gone through the blooming season. It was a miserable death but it will be remembered forever.In her novel, Xiaoyou was buried at the foot of the mountain, but it was actually not far from the place where she recuperated during this time. She had been there before, and she could vaguely smell a familiar sweet smell.In a blink of an eye, this place has already arrived in her novel, becoming a warm tomb for Xiaoyou to rest.In her novel, many people come to remember him, spring, summer, every season.They are his relatives and friends, moreover his lovers, they have been looking up at this noble boy, after he died, after he became low, they still have the same reverence and attachment to visit him.This may be regarded as the warmest ending in her novel.

But in reality, she did not witness Xiaoyou's death, and she was already in Baicheng at that time.She was in a room surrounded by a large khaki cloth. As usual, she sat on the balcony and squinted to look at a large tank of goldfish placed on a higher shelf.On her lap was a lightly scented stationery printed with pink cherry blossoms.She wrote a letter to Xiaoyou, she hadn't finished it yet, but she had to finish it, a passionate letter, asking him to come and see her.Whether riding a white horse or wearing armor, she wanted him to come and see her in a dignified way and take her away, like a grown man with lofty ideals.That afternoon, she still hadn't finished writing the letter. She and Xiaoyou were too familiar with each other. She knew Xiaoyou's preferences, and ordinary words would not move him.Feeling lost, she put away her pen and letter paper, planning to continue writing tomorrow, but at this time the doorbell rang, and the postman delivered the letter.She was a little confused for a moment, and she had the illusion that Xiaoyou had replied to the letter—for a moment she actually forgot that the letter she wanted to write to Xiaoyou was still in her hand and had not been sent.She quickly took the letter and opened it...

The boy who died of alcoholism and excessive excitement, when he left, did he have a smile on his face, and his face should be rosy, and he was still exuding vitality to the outside world, not at all like a person who has been unable to move or think Son.Mo Xi carefully thought about Xiao You's appearance at the last moment.And when she was finally able to cry out, it was already midnight.She leaned on the head of the bed and cried, and there was a bit of moldy moonlight in the room, but she was not sure, maybe it was the phosphorescent fire dancing on the grave.She stared fixedly at the slightly rippling moonlight or phosphorescent fire, and suddenly jumped off the bed.She put on a light rose red open coat for herself, holding in her hands the half-written letters she had written to him, there were many letters, and the death notice she received from his family this afternoon, she rushed to At the gate, she planned to go to Jiecheng, she still didn't have a formed concept of his death, she felt that he was still somewhere in Jiecheng, and she believed that she had enough ability to find him.

But she found that the room seemed to have no door.The room also seemed to have no windows, no gaps through which a gust of wind could blow in.The moonlight is an illusion, there are only thick layers of curtains like curtains, and mossy light blue raised walls.She wanted to lift the curtains, but the curtains were layer after layer, she was trapped in them, holding on to each layer in vain, the dust fell down with a puff, and she began to cough, almost suffocating.She started yelling, and there were light footsteps outside the door, walking up and down, walking up and down, she was so close to Mo Xi but had nothing to do with it.

The indoor scenery has not changed, but the time has shifted bit by bit. After many days, she gradually got used to this sealed jar-like room, and she was no longer afraid of the annoying mottled moonlight like white ringworm.When she suddenly burst out laughing and tearing the curtains like a bullfighter, they said she was crazy. She spent so much effort to finish writing the book about Xiao You, she thought she would print this book, put it in a small wooden box similar to the shape of a coffin, and bury it beside Xiao You.She knows that Xiaoyou likes to read, especially the words she writes.Xiaoyou likes to watch it, and even reads it aloud when she is happy to watch it.For so many intoxicated moments, Mo Xi sat next to Xiao You, listening to Xiao You read the sentences she wrote.When those sentences were read from Xiaoyou's mouth, they seemed to be coated with an even layer of gold powder, and they became priceless and shining.So she wants to write the story of her and Xiaoyou into a book, and accompany Xiaoyou, so that he can read it in the soil and in the kingdom of heaven, day and night.In Mo Xi's eyes, this perfect plan took her three months. She returned to Jiecheng for three months, but she never went to see Xiaoyou's grave or anyone related to Xiaoyou. She thought she would first finish the book, publish it, make it the most exquisite book, and then take it to see Xiaoyou.For three months, she made money by writing all kinds of ambiguous love stories for popular women's magazines to support her life.But sometimes when her mind is in a mess, she will write some ramblings and irrelevant things.For example, while she was writing, she suddenly switched to writing about a room that was airtight and airtight.She spent three thousand words describing this room that has nothing to do with the context, which is beyond words.Or she suddenly stopped to tell the story, and started an inexplicable description of the man's appearance, which was extremely detailed, but refused to mention his name.Therefore, she is often rejected, or the editor deletes it on her own initiative.Of course, she doesn't care about these, she just wants to finish the novel for Xiaoyou, so she drinks beer and yogurt, prolongs her life, and writes diligently.

This evening was the first time she had been out in three months.When she was sitting in the BOX bar wearing a large ill-fitting T-shirt and dry hair that lacked nutrition, she suddenly felt that the world had drifted away, and she was actually left somewhere else.She and her great tome have passed away.In the next life, she was not very afraid, but what she was afraid of was that she had cut off the road to Xiaoyou, and everything about Xiaoyou had gradually become buried old news, no one mentioned it again.She was afraid of this, she was afraid that everyone would forget about Xiao You, and Xiao You was such a memorable and worthy person.

Of course she didn't just randomly pick a bar to patronize aimlessly, BOX used to be a place Xiao You often visited.She came with him, and they danced here, unfortunately, that dance was done after Xiaoyou drank too much alcohol, so her feet were broken and unstable, and the whole process seemed like they were on a ship that was about to sink. swaying on the boat.But she still likes it, because at that time she was close enough to him.Mo Xi doesn't know why Xiaoyou likes this place so much, but this feeling of kindness and comfort to BOX soon sticks to her body, and she knows that this is a place where she can meet Xiaoyou's scent.

She looked around the bar, looking at the faces of everyone in it, she thought, would any of them know Xiaoyou?But she felt that those faces were too flat and monotonous, and they couldn't match Xiaoyou's sublime steps.It's been a few years, they're a different group, they've taken over the place, it must have been after Yoo and Yoo's friends left and the place went down. Mo Xi became disappointed and dull.She decides to leave.But she didn't know why she didn't go straight to the door after she decided to leave, but walked around the wall of the box bit by bit.There are exaggerated and colorful posters and fragmented oil paintings on the walls.She couldn't remember if it was like this in the past, the walls were probably lighter in the past, such a thought flashed in her mind.Then, she saw those photos on the wall near the bar.When she saw those photos, she felt that many suspenses were opened, such as why she herself had such a strong urge to jump in a taxi and go directly to BOX, and she didn't even go to Xiaoyou's cemetery or his home , why did she sit down in this place that has changed taste and finally stood up to observe the wall carefully. The photo was probably taken at a certain party. There were many people holding blueberry cakes or rum drinks, some had roses or daggers on their faces, and some stood on stools looking out.These can be ignored, the important thing is that there is Xiaoyou in the photo.Mo Xi saw Xiao You again, because this photo was taken after she left, so Xiao You in the photo was slightly bigger than when she left, which she had never seen before.At this moment, it appeared in front of her like a real person, so real that one could almost let out a cry of surprise.She climbed up a stool, stretched out her arms, touched the photo, and tried to cover Xiaoyou in the photo with her whole palm.In the photo, Xiao You was wearing a transparent cellophane-like jacket and extremely thin checkered trousers. His hair was standing on end and his ears were full of holes.He looked overly radiant, perhaps from extreme exhaustion.The corners of his mouth were slightly raised, and he was greeting her sincerely and frankly, she thought so.Immediately she became agitated and turned around and shouted to everyone in the bar: "Do any of you know Xiaoyou?" Those people were swaying slightly, dancing a little bit, or trying to express their opinions with their mouths pressed to other people's ears through the noisy music, and some people were about to push the door to leave, and they all turned their heads. Come, look at this girl kneeling on a high stool, she is hiding in a big cotton shirt, only showing a messy haired head.Her face was sharp, the eyes were sunken and strangely dark, and she was as thin as a thin film. They didn't answer her, and after a few seconds of pause, they each turned their heads to do what they were doing just now. "No one knows Xiaoyou?" She shouted again, tapping the photo on the wall with her fingers. This time, not many people turned their heads to look at her—the drunken women in the bar are always in different poses, and there is nothing unusual about it. Mo Xi knocked on the wall, his joints ached, but his voice was drowned in the loud music.She kept shouting until she was exhausted, and no one looked back at her.She was finally discouraged, still resting her hands on the wall, gently stroking Xiaoyou's paper body, breathing heavily as the tide approached. After a long time, Mo Xi jumped out of the chair.She rushed to the bar, put her arms on the bar, and said to the waiter standing inside: "Who took those pictures—that is, those pictures on the wall?" The waiter looked at her for a while, then said lightly: "Looks like a man who travels everywhere." "How long has it been posted, is he still here?" She asked eagerly. "It didn't take long, he, he can't tell." "So," she said, licking her lips, "can you reach him? Can you?" "Uh——" the boy who was wiping the wine glass thought for a while, "it should be possible, he is considered a regular customer and has wine in our store, so there should be contact information. But——do you have anything to ask him?" "Oh, yes, it's very urgent. Please help me get in touch with him, please." The male waiter may have noticed that when the girl begged, her whole body was shaking, and she used an unusual vibrato Talking, he didn't particularly care because he thought the girl was just too desperate to find someone to take the picture. "Okay," said the waiter. "Then you help me make an appointment with him, come here tomorrow, tomorrow night, okay? That's it. I don't have a contact number, but I will definitely come tomorrow, and let him come too. Thank you, thank you." The girl After saying these words incoherently, he quickly went out through the gate. 2.The man who took the photo and an unfinished confession In fact, the next day, the girl came to the BOX early in the morning. People who don't have a phone are always worried about missing the appointment, which is understandable.The BOX door was still closed when she came.She was sitting on the steps of the door, and the sky was still like a woman at the end of menstruation, and it fell a little from time to time, which made people feel irritable.She combed her hair specially today, but she didn't change her clothes. She didn't have any other clothes. She only wore this one when she escaped from home. In order to keep it clean, when she was in her room, she just wore Corset, hang this only garment to hang before the window.Now her hair is wet from the drizzle, even worse than yesterday. She curled up at the door and fell asleep, because the BOX never opened the door. She became more and more suspicious of whether what happened last night was true. She even remembered ghost stories. I met the beautiful lady and spent a beautiful and unforgettable night, but when I woke up the next day, I suddenly found that I was sleeping on the wild grass in the suburbs, without any villages or people.She fell asleep in despair, she thought, if all this was just an illusion, then she might not be able to find any details related to Xiaoyou, just like sitting on a big broken ice block and floating aimlessly, completely She is isolated, she and her only novel record about Xiaoyou. So going to sleep was a relief, a solution she had used to solve problems for a long time.After a long time, she was gently patted awake.She opened her eyes in confusion, and she was still leaning on the door of the BOX, which was real wood and had not disappeared.In front of her stood a middle-aged man with a crew cut, and he was bending down to look at her at the moment.His nose is round. Mo Xi has always had an inexplicable liking for such a nose. She thinks it is a symbol of generosity. She vaguely remembers that her father should have such a nose.And she and her sister are not like him at all, so neither of them has the character of his father. The man in front of him was wearing a black dress that looked like an old double-breasted gown. It should look like some kind of peculiar national costume, but it was not ostentatious, and it was just right to make people feel good and comfortable.The man's voice was very amiable, and he asked her: "Are you looking for me?" Mo Xi slowly stood up, looked at him, and slowly realized that she was waiting for someone here, and what she wanted to meet was the person who took Xiaoyou's photo.She hastened to say: "Did you take the picture on the wall?" "Yeah," he said. "Do you know Xiaoyou? You must know Xiaoyou!" Mo Xi stood up from the steps, and the man also stood up straight. They were facing each other. Mo Xi raised her face and asked him, her pure face was touching . "Uh—yes." The man nodded, and then he said, "Let's find a place to sit down and say, BOX is closed tonight, the band and the boss are going to a party." Mo Xi nodded, and followed the man back to the BOX bar, only then did she notice that it was already evening, the rain had stopped, and the sky still looked unhappy. They sat down in a dining room with floor-to-ceiling glass.It is a Thai restaurant, and the colors of all the dishes are extremely bright.Mo Xi saw the lotus-shaped string lights outside through the large glass, the extravagant bright orange made people unable to keep their eyes open.But she likes such a big glass, she can see the street outside and the lake not far away.She likes the wide, unobstructed view.She loves transparency, the exchange of light and glances between the outside and the inside.She pressed her face against the glass, looked at the scenery outside, and at the man opposite. She thought that the man would ask her what she wanted to eat, which would make her a little embarrassed, because she had never eaten Thai food, and she knew nothing about the messy names and seasonings.However, the man didn't ask her. He directly told the waiter the names of some dishes and ordered red wine.She likes this, she likes him to help her make a decision, very decisive, don't have to waste time because of such trivial things. Then the man lit a cigarette, took a puff, looked at Mo Xi, and asked: "Are you looking for Xiaoyou?" "No, I know he's dead." "Hmm." The man nodded. "I want to know when those photos were taken, what Xiaoyou was doing at that time, and do you know how he died? I don't know these things, because I left at that time." "Are you his friend?" The man nodded and asked. "Girlfriend." Mo Xi corrected him firmly. "Oh? That's right." The man nodded meaningfully. "Can you tell me? This is very important to me." Mo Xi said quite seriously. The bright yellow seafood curry was on the table, and the waiters worked between them for a while, because there was a small stove that was ignited underneath, and they had to set the tableware for them.After he walked away, Mo Xi asked again: "All right, tell me." "You had a little quarrel with him, and then you left?" The man didn't answer her question, but asked speculatively. "Almost. Please, tell me." Mo Xi was getting impatient.The urgency had made her lose her manners. "Okay, but we said as we ate, don't worry. ——I guess you haven't eaten for a long time, and your complexion is very bad." The man said gently, unhurriedly, but he was indeed very moving people.Mo Xi nodded, and she scooped a spoonful of curry seafood into her small plate. "The photo seems to be taken by me in April. At the BOX party. He was with many people, and only one of them was familiar to me. That was also the first time I saw Xiaoyou. But he looked very Special, so I remember him." "Why is it special?" Mo Xi asked quickly. "Er—I can't tell. But that's what he looked like in the picture." "How was he then, was he healthy?" "I was a little tired, drank a lot of wine, danced with some tall boys, and when I was very tired, he went to the side to lean against the wall to rest. But he was very enthusiastic and talked to me a lot about travel. We also agreed to go to Lijiang in Yunnan together." "Why do you drink so much alcohol! Why do you keep dancing! His health is not good!" Mo Xi cried out in distress. The man is silent.So quiet down.The man ate the food and poured Mo Xi half a glass of red wine.Mo Xi took a sip, it was very spicy, she looked out the window, but it was completely dark, and the lotus lantern was blurred, like a dancing waist.But Mo Xi was always worried that it was about to break.She turned around slowly and asked: "And then? Have you seen him again?" "No. Originally we made an appointment to go to Yunnan in mid-May. But he died at the end of April." "Are you going to the funeral?" "No, but my friend went.—er, you weren't informed?" "Notified...but I was busy..." Mo Xi said slowly, his words flickering. "Well, are you really his girlfriend?" The man thought for a while, and finally asked. "Of course, don't you believe it? I can show you. I have photos of him when he was a child, many photos of us together, a round badge he gave me, and a letter he wrote to me..." The girl's reaction was so excited that she began to tremble non-stop, and her voice was a very weird trembling sound.The man noticed this, but his reaction was calm.He said: "Ah, I'm sorry, maybe my words hurt you, I just think that Xiaoyou doesn't need girls..." The man stopped talking here, he lowered his head and started eating again.Mo Xi was stunned for a while, as if she had been hit hard by something, but she didn't fall down, she was just thinking about the strategy to deal with it.But she didn't, to be exact, she didn't have anything about Xiaoyou that she could hold tightly in her hands.In fact, she doesn't even have those letters, badges, or group photos now, and she doesn't have anything left by him on her body, so she has no way to prove to others that she is his girlfriend.She stood up slowly - she felt shameful, arguing with an irrelevant stranger here with a guilty conscience.As much as she liked the bright colors and strong flavors of the food, and she really needed it, she thought she had to go now. When she had turned her back to the table and started to take steps, the man behind her stopped her: "please wait--" She stopped. "Forgive me for saying inappropriate words, but I have no malice. Xiaoyou is a friend I like very much. I came here today and met you. I think this may be a continuation of my unfinished friendship with Xiaoyou. Please Don't be angry, we can continue to talk about Xiaoyou, it can be regarded as his memory... Oh, he has been dead for more than three years!" The man's words were so sincere, and the words about Xiaoyou's nostalgia were indeed what Mo Xi wanted to hear the most.If she still thinks there is anyone in this world who is worthy of her association, then it should be someone who has the same goals as her, and the so-called like-minded people should be people who miss Xiaoyou as much as she does.She has never met such a person, except for this clean and wise middle-aged man in front of her. So she sat down again.But for a long time they did not speak again.They just ate and drank in silence.As she was leaving the restaurant, she suddenly said to him: "I'm not full. Is there anything else I can eat?" The man saw the girl's face raised and asked him seriously. He knew at this moment that this was still a child, and her skin was still as pink as a little girl's. The natural color, without any refinement, and the voice is immature, which makes him feel fresh and beautiful. They went to a 24-hour tea restaurant.There are all kinds of desserts that girls like, mango pudding, sago fruit, red bean ice.Looking at those beautiful names, Mo Xi really wanted to order all the food.She hasn't eaten well for too many days, and she has an intuition that she doesn't need to work hard to hide herself in front of this man and maintain a good image.She just wanted to be natural and even indulgent. She didn't know why, but she believed that this man would allow her to do so. She ordered more than five desserts, and the man only wanted a cup of hot milk tea.As the desserts were served one by one, she felt that her mood gradually improved, because those sweet and greasy tastes could indeed make people feel satisfied.The man watched her eat happily, and took a sip of milk tea slowly: "I hope you can treat me as a friend and tell me about the things between you and Xiaoyou. We can talk frankly and comfortably." Mo Xi nodded. Of course she really needs to talk, she needs to talk too much.She spent time after time in one closed room after another, and she had almost lost the ability to speak and express herself.She could only write, and when she was typing, she felt pain in her fingers, as if there were deep cuts, just to be able to confide.She felt that the confession was so heartbreaking, with bloodshed and sacrifices.It's a very bad and forced way to confide.Of course she needs someone to listen to her, but this person has never existed, and she gradually changed from crazy to calm, as quiet as a plaster figure buried in Xiaoyou's grave.She then said: "Xiaoyou and I grew up together and went to school together for more than ten years. When we were very old, we still liked to go to school holding hands. The schoolbags were of the same pattern, with different colors. Mine was pink and his was grass green. We both Love art and all things amazing. So we do a lot of stuff together. We make sculptures together, we make mannequins for each other and draw pictures like this, we also raised a litter of mouse pups together, breeding so fast, we It was only later that I realized that we had added trouble to the world..." She did talk a lot about Xiaoyou, but she spoke intermittently, without order or coherence, fortunately, they were all fragmentary details, and what she cared about were some particularly peculiar little fragments, so it sounded very interesting.For example, she believes that Xiaoyou is an elf with two pupils, because he is proficient in musical instruments and loves to recite, and whenever he plays an instrument or recites his new poems aloud, Mo Xi will feel a feeling of being about to leave the ground The wonderful feeling of flying.She will notice that Xiaoyou's pupils are shining, and the inside is as deep as an unpredictable time tunnel.She will be sucked tightly by those pupils. "He has the ability to take people to another world, he can fly." When she was talking, she suddenly closed her eyes and said softly and full of praise. There are many details. In general, she and Xiaoyou are two children who grew up together and have a deep relationship.Xiaoyou lives a life that is somewhat strange and messy in the eyes of normal children.He made friends with many so-called art workers, but no one knew exactly what they did, only that they had colored or too long hair and wore broken or too wordy clothes.They hang out in bars, BOX is the place they go most often, and sometimes they fight, but everything looks calm.Compared with them, Xiaoyou looked too thin and thin, which made Mo Xi feel a little unsafe.However, Xiaoyou told her clearly that he needed such a friend, very much, because talking and working together would inspire him, and he would become the best artist, and he asked Mo Xi to believe him.And Mo Xi did believe him.So she no longer prevented Xiaoyou from going to those parties, but she just wanted to go along, stand beside him, not talk nonsense, and not interfere with their work, she promised.However, Xiao You refused in the end, he hoped that he would be alone during such a time - he didn't explain the reason, but his insistence made Mo Xi finally give up such a wish. Xiaoyou took her there only once, because it was her birthday wish.But that day the BOX was very empty, and there were not many people there. Xiao You chatted with the waiter and asked them to play the Dead Can Dance record that Mo Xi liked.They start drinking.Mo Xi found out that Xiao You was able to drink so much wine, so much, that it made her panic in the end.But she felt that Xiaoyou was very happy and talked a lot, and she always didn't want to stop him and spoil his good mood.In the end Xiaoyou got drunk and took her hand to dance.In the fragmented dance, Mo Xi and his body were close to each other, as if floating on a slowly moving boat.Later, they all fell asleep, snuggling up and sleeping on a single sofa in the corner of the BOX.It was a birthday that Mo Xi would never forget. She also knew, however, that he and his friends would drink a lot, get so drunk that they would throw themselves together and sleep like a bum or a lost pet. But she didn't have time to dissuade him, and then she left. The man has been listening in silence, of course he noticed that she still didn't say why she left.Anyway she could have gone to the same university as him, but she went elsewhere.And there was no contact with Xiaoyou for quite a long time until Xiaoyou died. "We just got into an awkward fight because of a trivial matter. But no one wants to think about anyone else." Mo Xi just passed her departure lightly.The man nodded without asking further questions. She has already eaten all the desserts.Of course she is already full, but she still feels the need for some sweets. She likes the red bean ice, every red bean on it will melt in her mouth softly, and the rustling feels like gently polishing her tongue.She called the waiter again and ordered two iced red beans.She also turned her head to look at the man's expression, the man smiled and let her go. She ate her shaved ice with her head down, as if the story had already been told.But men know far from: "Xiaoyou died, you found out, didn't you, why didn't you rush back?" Mo Xi put down the spoon and looked at the man.She said quietly: "That's another matter, it has nothing to do with Xiaoyou." She said simply, continuing to eat red beans one by one carefully.Of course she knew that she was just perfunctory, and the man's eyes were still looking at her.She had to say again: "Do I need to tell you? But I don't know anything about you." The girl's tone was a little sour, and the man smiled: "What do you want to know about me?" "Forget it, I don't have the energy to ask other people's stories anymore. My mind is so full that it's about to explode." She cried out in a low voice, her voice seemed to be crying for help.The man stretched out his arm and patted the top of her head as gently as if he was coaxing her to sleep.He said softly to her: "I think you seem to have been stimulated by something, and your spirit is very fragile now. Is that so?" A man is like a senior psychiatrist, he poked her wound in one go.She felt that this man was approaching as soon as he appeared. He has great abilities and can go all the way to her heart.She was afraid and liked the appearance of such a person.It's like this person wants to help her share part of the burden in her heart, but she doesn't know if she should give it to him. Although it is a burden, it is hers after all.It even grew on her body.But she finally said: "I don't know how to call it exciting. Big and small, it's like going through a tunnel, one section is black, and the other section is white. I gradually get used to it, and I won't feel a big difference." "Poor child." The man said softly and involuntarily.But Mo Xi could hear very clearly, a few simple words, but she suddenly felt aggrieved, the pain accumulated in her heart for a long time was finally released, this release came from a kind of pity, from a kind of care.This is not something that Xiaoyou can give, this is not something that Soso can give.She soon shed tears, and she didn't know who she was facing, the stranger, the father, or the heavenly Father?She just knew that she had come a long way, was exhausted, and now she had found a place to rest, the warm nest she needed.She wanted to shrink, she wanted to forget that Xiaoyou was dead, she wanted to forget her sister Soso, she wanted to fall asleep as a baby in the womb, in the nest she had finally reached. But of course she couldn't forget, she always remembered Xiaoyou's death, she was still doing things related to him after his death, like an iron chain thrown from the underworld, tightly hooked Her throat, she was following that section all the time, and it hurt unceasingly, but she was willing.She didn't forget her sister either, she had touched this name countless times just now or in the previous three months. She was still sitting opposite the man, and the red bean ice hadn't been touched for a long time, and it was gradually disappearing and melting.The girl suddenly used two 手捂住耳朵，她拼命地甩着头，像是在把脑子中的什么东西挤出去——她的样子像是彻底疯掉了。男人过去扳住她纤细的手臂，把她的头揽在自己的怀里，轻轻地拍着她的背，要她镇静下来。 而她终于叫出来了：“索索，求求你，放我出去！放我出去！” 3.索索和阴霾的童年 索索是个可爱的名字，你承认吗？它念着软软的，像是咬住了一块糯甜的糕。童年时候的莫夕，最喜欢念索索的名字，这并非是她不尊重姐姐，直呼名字，而是比起姐姐来，她觉得索索是个更加亲切的名字。她一叫索索就会想到糯甜的食物，因为只有她姐姐索索会买那样的香甜的糕给她。那种宠爱是从头到脚的，是渗入骨血的，谁也无法抗拒，谁也不能抵御。 索索比莫夕九岁，是个能够给予她方方面面的爱的大姐姐。而又因为她们所在的特殊家庭，这种爱变得更加宝贵，它无限无限地贴近莫夕，贴在莫夕的皮肤上，把她包裹起来，完全地把她藏了起来。 父母的离异是由于父亲暴君一样自以为是，任意侮辱和打骂母亲造成的，当然，还有他的外遇。可以说，他是一个不折不扣的禽兽。这一点索索一定比莫夕体会得要深刻的多。因为那个时候莫夕只有三四岁。而索索将要步入美好的青春期。她看到父亲喝很多酒回家，和人打了架，脸上带着比踩烂的爬虫还有恶心的伤疤，他气咻咻地坐在沙发上，他抬起脚架在扶手上——她们的母亲就知道，他的意思是要她来给他洗脚了。她立刻去拿了毛巾端了洗脚水。她蹲下来，慢慢地把男人的脚放在水里面。 clang!男人遽然把水盆踢翻了，大吼道： “这么热的水，你想烫死我啊！我在外面不顺心，回家难道还要受你的气？”男人又一脚踢向女人，蹲着的女人来不及支撑住，立刻仰身倒在了地上。她已经被那盆水泼得浑身是水，而现在这么一躺，全身都湿了。可是她面无表情——她已经渐渐习惯，面无表情是她此时最适合最恰当的应对表情。她把水盆拿起来，再去倒水。而所有的热水都用尽了，她只能从新再烧水。水过了十分钟才开，她倒上，混入凉水，把手伸进去试了又试，然后终于确定是合适的温度了，她再次端着盆到了男人的面前。她刚蹲下身子，男人忽然抬脚，又是一踢，盆又翻了，一盆的水都泼在了女人的脸上。 这一次男人站了起来，他是那么高，冷得像一根柱子，他对着女人的腹部就是两脚，女人再次躺在了冰凉的地上。男人又吼叫起来： “换盆水用了那么久！你不知道我的脚一直晾在外边吗！你想冻死我是不是！你这个狠毒的女人！”他说着又连着踢了女人几脚，女人躺在地上哀叫，求饶。这是索索看到过无数次的情景，可是她仍旧无法忍受地从自己的房间里冲了出来，她去挡住父亲那落在母亲身上的脚。而每次的结果也都是一样，父亲开始打她，踢她的肚子，一巴掌打在她的脸上。她也习惯了，只是疼痛仍旧是那么深楚的，她不得不发出哀叫。并且她知道，明天早上脸和身体都会肿起来，她又没有办法去上学了。 这些事情索索一直记得，就像她口腔里总是刺到舌头的尖利牙齿，不断地触碰，疼痛，还没有好，就再次碰到，反反复复地流血，已经成了她感到生活在继续的标志。她痛恨，她痛恨父亲的丧尽天良，也恨母亲的懦弱无能，她多次劝母亲向父亲提出离婚，然而母亲终是不肯，这个沉默的中年女人是这样地保守，她觉得受苦挨打被虐待比起破坏了这个家庭都不算什么。在索索看来，这个家里只有刚刚学会走路，念数字和零碎汉语拼音的小莫夕是最可怜的。她渐渐变得硬心肠，母亲挨打的时候，她不再去劝阻，她明天要上学，不想受伤然后躲在家里半个月，她再怎么阻止，母亲也还是一声不坑不反抗。她厌倦了母亲那张皱皱巴巴如吸水海绵一样能够无限制吞下屈辱和疼痛的脸。她不想再看到那残忍的一幕一幕。所以当战争再开始的时候，她就会抱起莫夕迅速逃开。她领着莫夕的小手走去空旷的小学操场。她把莫夕抱起来，放在高处的台阶上，然后把自己的脸贴在莫夕的小胸脯上，小声地哭泣。莫夕就会伸出小手捏捏索索的耳垂，然后指头肚轻轻地在索索的耳朵上摩挲，嘴里含混不清地叫着：“索索，索索。” 索索扬起头看莫夕纯稚的小脸，她皮肤很好很好的，像是透明的水晶小人儿，她的牙齿刚长好，小得可爱，她一翻嘴唇就露出来，像是排得整整齐齐的小石榴籽。索索亲亲她的脸颊，亲亲她的额头，亲亲她的小耳朵，又亲亲她的小肩膀，还有她小藕瓜一样的一截一截鼓鼓的小手臂。她亲吻莫夕的时候，莫夕就会咯咯地笑，也许是痒，也是仅是因为她喜欢这样，这样轻柔的吻令她感到舒服。而她的笑声令索索感动，索索觉得，这是人间最美妙的声音，而眼前这个剔透的小精灵，是她在整个世界里最珍惜最宝贵的东西，也是她唯一保有的东西，她要紧紧地抱住她，不许任何人来伤害她。 终于有一天这样的日子结束了，父亲提出了离婚，因为他在外面有了中意的女人，他明显十分喜欢那个女人，以至于他愿意放弃这样一个他能够当老妈子使唤的好妻子。索索看到母亲哭了，这一次她终于不再是面无表情了，她失声痛苦，——她竟有这样多的泪水，这是多久以来的积攒呵。 索索在一片混乱中捂住了莫夕的耳朵，她觉得这场哭泣太凄冽了，会给莫夕的童年留下大片的阴影。她捂住了莫夕的耳朵，而无邪的小女孩还抬起头冲她微笑。 他们离婚之后，索索和莫夕都归母亲抚养，于是她们获得了她们一直居住的破房子。然而母亲很快就病了。她好像是一颗一直跟随机器运转的螺母，现在忽然停了下来，就立刻蒙上了一层锈，这是一种终结，她再也没法工作了。她失去了她的功能。 母亲患得是肺癌。索索看到母亲内部身体的X光片，大片的阴影像是乌云密布的天空，母亲的呼吸透不过来，像是光再也不能抵达地面。她忽然对母亲很失望，她为什么不爱惜自己的身体？她抱着莫夕转身离开了诊断室。 母亲开始住院，每天要花很多钱。索索站在父亲新家的门口等父亲回来问他要钱。她牵着莫夕的手。而冬天已经来了，莫夕有点感冒了，在流鼻涕。父亲出现了索索就走上去： “我妈妈得了癌症住了医院，你拿些钱出来行吗……”她直接了当地一口气说下去。男人没有等她说完，就一个耳光掴在她的脸上，她没有站住，一个踉跄，差点摔倒在地上。莫夕看见就吓坏了，哇的一声大哭起来。男人最受不了这样撕心裂肺的哭声，他忍无可忍地踢了莫夕一脚，莫夕那么瘦小，立刻就像飞出去的小球，退后了好多米，然后跌倒在地上。男人嘴中还骂着： “小崽子除了哭还会什么！” 索索连忙跑过去把莫夕扶起来，莫夕只敢小声的抽泣，而她的衣服已经擦破了，露出一撮一撮的棉絮，她的小手也划破了，血流得到处都是。索索吓坏了，她连忙把莫夕抱起来。她愤怒地看着男人，她多么想杀死他，吃掉他，咬碎他的骨头。可是她知道，眼下她不能再多说一句话。莫夕已经受到了伤害，这是她最在乎，最不能忍受的。她抱着莫夕转身离开了，她知道自己再也不会来求他了，再也不会。 不过索索的确没有更好的办法，她才16岁，还是个自己需要宠爱和呵护的孩子。她没有办法赚足够的钱给母亲治病，她也没有足够的力气去照顾病榻上的母亲和幼小的莫夕。母亲看出了这些，她看到了自己16岁的女儿的绝望和无助，她知道女儿对自己有些记冤，失去了最浓烈的感情，她只是在苦苦地应对着，受着煎熬。于是她在那个冬天里相当暖和的一天自杀了。她裹了毯子从医院楼顶的平台上跳了下来——这是一种最省钱而且简便的解决问题的方式。 她终于把索索解脱出来了。做孤儿做童工她并不害怕，不是吗？现在她可以和她最亲爱的小妹妹莫夕一起相依为命了。她完全拥有她，她从此要负担起责任，照顾她，保护她，这是理应的事。 索索开始做做童工养活自己和妹妹。清洁工，报童，抄写员，咖啡店女招待，她都做过。她渐渐变得刚强而沉默寡言。她总是在最疲倦的时候，把莫夕搂在怀里，亲吻她，然后她就会觉得，一切都是值得的，她是那么地甘愿。她不知道自己正在渐渐地合上了心门，变成一个冷漠自闭的姑娘，她不知道，她的爱因为她深楚而失去了正确的方向，她已经盲失了。 而父亲的再度出现破坏了她刚刚垒砌好的稳定的生活。父亲的新妻子不能生育，他们一直没有孩子。而父亲最终只好决定，把莫夕抱回去。他来到这幢旧房子，他敲开门就兀自地闯进最里面的房间，他从床上把莫夕拎起来就要把她带走。索索拦住他，拼命地拍打他的手臂和脊背，让他放下莫夕。而凶狠的男人却说得振振有辞： “你们的妈已经死了，她归我是理所应当！” 索索不听不理，只是用尽全身力气要掰开男人两只钳在一起的胳膊，想要把莫夕抢回来。男人的两只手牢牢地扣在一起。索索最后只有开始咬，狠狠地咬男人的手背。男人嗷嗷地叫起来，挥手就是一掌，抽在索索的脸上，索索的头撞在门上，被打中的鼻子开始流血。她想，怎么也不能让他把莫夕带走，她的生活就再也没有继续下去的必要了。她靠在门边，一遍一遍告诉自己，绝对不能让他把莫夕抱走。她终于开口哀求道： “爸爸，你也把我带走吧，我愿意当丫头任您使唤，天下只有你和小夕是我的亲人了，我不能离开你们啊，求求您了！”索索说得声嘶力竭，她几乎用上了自己所有剩下的力气。男人看着她，他显然对索索这个主动要求当丫头的恳求十分有兴趣。 于是她们都住进了男人的新家，那里大而宽敞。只是继母的目光冷漠而充满怨气。常常吩咐索索去帮她做冗杂的琐事，洗她的内衣，帮她吹干头发等等。索索也都照做，她只要能够每天看到莫夕，看到她快快乐乐地成长，索索就会感到十分欣慰。 父亲仍旧喜欢喝酒，他常常醉倒在离家三条马路的小酒馆不会来。时间大约过了凌晨一点，继母看男人还没有回来，就知道他一定醉倒在小酒馆了，于是她就打发索索去接她们的父亲回来。这个时候莫夕已经八岁，可以帮姐姐干活了。她们两个就一起走到那家小酒馆，把父亲搀扶回来。大约每周都要有这么一两回，她们在凌晨一点之后出门，深秋午夜的天气，刺得人一阵一阵钻心的疼。索索通常都给莫夕套两个外套，缠上围巾再带她出门。小酒馆已经打烊，她们的恶棍父亲就睡在门口的台阶上。她们把他搀扶起来，倘使他没有睡熟，让有意识在，有时候还会冷不丁地给她们一掌一拳的，像个被惊扰了睡眠的野兽。 而在那个夜晚之后，她们再也不用午夜去小酒馆接她们的爸爸了，她们也不用唯唯诺诺战战兢兢地活在父亲家的屋檐下了，继母也不再能使唤和嫌弃她们了。这一切的一切，都自动地解除了。因为她们的父亲死了。那个夜晚她们的父亲喝醉了酒，自己从小酒馆走回家，神志不清，走路摇摇摆摆，最后他掉进了一个没有盖子的窖井里。开始家人只是以为他失踪了。很久之后，人们才在窖井的污水中里找到了他，他已经泡得身形巨大，露着高处水面一大截的肚皮，像是一只浮在水面的鲸形怪物。 他死了，他死了。索索领着莫夕又回到了她们从前住的小屋。索索继续打工，养活莫夕长大。 不过莫夕不再是一个开朗的孩子，她变得自闭和格外敏感。有时候她会用惊恐的眼睛看着周围的人，包括她的索索姐姐。也有的时候，她会在梦里一直哭，怎么摇也摇不醒。她不喜欢和任何人说话，变得吝惜每一个字。她甚至也开始抵抗索索进入她的世界，她不和她交谈，不让她知道自己到底怎么想的。她们失去那种亲密午无间的感情也许就在一夜之间。然后莫夕长大了。长大从来都是一件残酷和丢弃的事。那么突兀和伤人。 而这样一个古怪的孩子，最容易变得偏执，用尽所有的力气去追逐一样东西，在一条路上奔跑，永远也不回头。在这一点上，索索和莫夕其实并无分别，莫夕把所有的气力和爱用在了小悠身上正像索索把所有的爱用在了莫夕的身上。