Chapter 12 11

3:42 Marie and Takahashi sat together on a park bench.A long and narrow park in the middle of the city.There are old public houses and a playground for children in one corner.There are swings, seesaws and drinking fountains, and mercury lamps shine brightly around.The dark trees spread wide overhead, and there were bushes too.The fallen leaves almost covered the ground, and they made a crisp sound when stepped on.At four o'clock in the morning, there was no one else in the park except the two of them.The white moon in late autumn hangs in the sky like a sharp knife.Mary put a small white cat on her lap and fed it a sandwich she had brought wrapped in a tissue.The kitten is eating with gusto.She gently stroked the kitten's back.Several other cats watched the situation from a little distance away.

"When I was working in 'Alpha City', I used to come here to pet cats with food during my breaks." Takahashi said, "Now I live alone in an apartment and cannot keep cats. I really miss the feeling of petting cats." "Keeping a cat at home?" Mary asked. "Because there are no siblings, cats take their place." "Don't like dogs?" "I like dogs too, and I have several. But cats are better, as a personal hobby." "I've never had dogs or cats," said Mary. "My sister is allergic to animal hair and keeps sneezing."

"yes." "She's been allergic to so many things since she was little: cedar pollen, ragweed, mackerel, shrimp, fresh paint, and so on." "Fresh paint?" Takahashi frowned, "I've never heard of such an allergy." "Anyway, that's the case, and there are actually symptoms." "What symptoms?" "Hives, difficulty breathing, lumpy things growing in the bronchi, and I had to go to the hospital." "Every time you walk past a fresh coat of paint?" "Not every time, every now and then." "It's enough to be afraid from time to time!"

Mary petted the cat silently. "What about you?" Takahashi asked. "allergy?" "Ok." "I don't have anything like that," said Mary. "I've never been sick...so at home my sister is the sensitive Snow White and I'm the stout goat girl." "The Snow White family doesn't need two." Mary nodded. Takahashi said: "However, a healthy shepherdess is not bad, don't mind any old paint." Mary looked at Takahashi: "It's not that simple." "Of course things are not that simple." Takahashi said, "I know this well...I said, isn't it cold here?"

"Not cold, not afraid." Mary grabbed another tuna sandwich and gave it to the kitten.The kitten looked very hungry, and was very focused on eating. Takahashi hesitated for a moment whether to bring it up, but finally decided to say: "To be honest, there was one time—just one time—that I had a very deep conversation with your sister alone." Mary looked at his face: "When did it happen?" "April this year. I was looking for something in the evening, and I passed by Tower Records②, and I suddenly ran into Asai Eri in front of it. I was alone, and she was alone. We stood and chatted for a while in a very ordinary way, but there was too much to say, I went into a nearby cafe. At first, the conversations were all casual gossip, nothing more than the ones that my high school classmates met on the road after a long time-so and so. But then she proposed to go to a place where you can drink , and talked about quite in-depth personal topics. How should I put it, she seems to have a lot to say."

"An in-depth personal topic?" "yes." Mary showed a very puzzled look: "How could she say that to you? I have the impression that you are not that close to Ellie..." "Your sister and I are certainly not particularly close. We first had a decent conversation when we went to the hotel pool with you two years ago, and I doubt she even knows my full name." Mary remained silent and continued to pet the cat on her lap. Takahashi said: "However, she must have wanted to talk to someone at the time. Logically, that kind of thing should have been said to a good girlfriend, but your sister doesn't seem to have a girlfriend who can confide in her heart, so she chose me, probably. Coincidentally. Well, it doesn't matter to anyone."

"But why did you choose you? As far as I know, she should never lack a boyfriend." "Definitely not missing." "But to you who met unexpectedly on the road, that is to say, to someone who is not very close, I told you what's in my heart. Why is that?" "Yeah..." Takahashi thought about it for a while, "I'm afraid it's because I don't look harmful?" "No harm?" "That is to say, even a momentary heart-to-heart talk is not a threat." "It's hard to understand!" "That is to say," Takahashi stammered, "strange to say, I'm often mistaken for a homosexual, and men I don't know often greet me and seduce me on the road."

"actually not?" "I don't think I'm probably not... But no matter what, people have told me what's in their hearts in the past. Both men and women, even people who are not very close or even strangers have revealed their extraordinary secrets to me. What's going on? ? It’s not that I want to ask those things.” Mary chewed his words in her head, and then said, "Anyway, did Ellie tell you what's on her mind?" "Well. From the heart, or rather a personal topic." "Like what?" Mary asked. "For example... by the way, such as family matters."

"Family matter?" "For example." Takahashi said. "That includes me too?" "yes." "Specifically?" Takahashi briefly considered what to say. "For example...she wants to be better with you." "Want to be better with me?" "She seems to think that you are deliberately keeping a distance from her, since you have passed a certain age." Mary wrapped the kitten gently in the palm of her hand, and the slight warmth was passed to her hand. "But, even if you keep a proper distance, can't people get along with each other?" Mary said.

"Of course," Takahashi said, "of course it can be done. The problem is that what is an appropriate distance for one kind of person may be too long for another—there may be cases like this." A big brown cat came from nowhere and rubbed its head on Takahashi's feet.Takahashi bent down to pet the cat, took out a fish and potato pancake from his pocket, tore off the plastic wrap, and gave half of it to it.The cat ate with relish. "Is that a personal problem Ellie has?" Mary asked. "Is there no way to get closer to my sister?" "That's one of her personal problems, not just that."

Mary was silent. Takahashi continued: "During the time I was talking, Asai Eri took all kinds of medicines. Her handbag was full of medicines, and she drank tomato juice vodka while taking medicines one by one like eating peanuts. Of course I think It is a legal drug, but the dosage is not normal." "She is a drug addict. It used to be like that, and it's getting worse." "Someone should dissuade." Mary shook her head: "Medication, fortune-telling, weight loss—as far as she is concerned, no one can dissuade her." "I put it mildly that it would be better to see a specialist, such as a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist. But she didn't seem to have any desire to go to the doctor, or rather, she didn't even realize what was happening to her. So, how should I put it, I am also quite worried—what happened to Eri Asai?" Mary looked troubled. "For that kind of thing, just call and ask me directly? If you really care about Ai Li." Takahashi sighed softly: "This brings me back to what I said at the beginning of tonight. I called your home, and Eri Asai picked it up. I really don't know what to say or what to say." "Didn't the two talk intimately for so long while drinking wine? And they talked about in-depth personal topics!" "Well, that's kind of the way it is. But I said it, but actually I barely said it, she basically said it alone, and I just listened to it. Besides, I think in reality I can I don't seem to have done much for her. That is, unless there is a personal relationship on a deeper level..." "As you don't want to go that far." "It's better to say... I don't think I can do it." Then, Takahashi stretched out his hand to scratch the cat's ear, "Perhaps it should be said that I don't have the qualifications." "To put it bluntly, you can't care that much for Ellie?" "If you say that, Eri Asai doesn't mean that she has deep concern for me. As I said just now, she just wants to find someone to talk to. To her, I am just a wall that can answer appropriately, with a somewhat human touch It's just a wall." "Not to mention, do you care deeply about Ai Li or not? Yes or No?" Takahashi rubbed his hands lightly as if he was at a loss.delicate question.How to answer is very difficult. "Yes, I think I care about Eri Asai. Your older sister has something that shines so naturally, something special that comes naturally to her. For example, the time the two of us had an intimate conversation over drinks Here, everyone stared at it, probably thinking in their hearts, why is such a beautiful woman with such an ugly man like me?" "But……" "But?" "Think about it," said Mary, "I asked you 'do you have a deep concern for Ellie' and you answered 'cared for'. The word 'deep' was left out, and it felt like something was being put on the shelf. " Takahashi was convinced: "You are really careful!" Mary silently waited for the other party to continue. Takahashi was a little confused and didn't know how to answer. "But...by the way, after talking face to face with your sister for a long time, I gradually developed an incredible feeling. I didn't realize how incredible it was at first, but as time went by, that feeling began to hit my chest violently. How to say Well, that seemed to be the feeling of not being included there. Although she was right in front of me, she was miles away." Mary remained silent, bit her lip and waited for him to continue.Takahashi took the time to find the right words. "In a word, no matter what I say, I can't reach her consciousness. There is something like a transparent sponge layer between me and Eri Asai, and the words I export are basically sucked up during the time they pass through there. In She wasn't really listening to me. I could see that when I was speaking. It made it harder for her words to reach me. It was an amazing feeling." Knowing that there were no more tuna sandwiches, the kitten twisted and jumped from Mary's lap to the ground, and ran like an arrow into the planting bushes.Mary rolled up the sandwich tissue and stuffed it into her satchel, patting the crumbs off her hands. Takahashi stared at Mary's face: "Do you understand what I said?" "It's good to be clear..." Mary paused for a while, "What you said just now may be very close to the feeling I have always had for Ai Li, at least the feeling I have had in the past few years." "Words don't come easily—is that so?" "yes." Takahashi gave the remaining fish and potato pancakes to another cat who came forward.The cat sniffed the scent vigilantly, and immediately began to eat with joy. "Hey, let me ask you a question, can you answer it honestly?" "can." "The girl who went to 'Alpha City' with you, isn't that my sister?" Takahashi looked up at Mary in surprise, as if watching the ripples on the surface of a small pond. "Why do you think that?" Takahashi asked. "Involuntarily. As a hunch. Isn't it?" "No, it's not Eri Asai. It's another girl." "real?" "real." Mary thought for a moment. "May I ask one more question?" "certainly." "Suppose you go into that hotel with my sister and have sex, as a hypothetical." "As a hypothesis." "As an assumption. As an assumption further I ask 'did you go to that hotel with my sister and have sex?' As an assumption." "Assumed." "So, can you honestly answer Yes?" Takahashi pondered for a moment. "I don't think so," he said. "It's possible to say No." "why?" "Because it involves your sister's privacy." "Like a duty of confidentiality?" "A sort of." "Then, isn't 'can't answer that' the correct answer? If it's a duty of confidentiality." Takahashi said: "The thing is, if I say 'can't answer that,' then contextually, it's actually saying Yes, right? And that's not necessarily intentional." "So I can only answer No anyway?" "In theory." Mary stared into the other's face and said, "Tell you what, it doesn't matter what I am, even if you slept with Ellie—if she wanted that." "What Eri Asai is looking for, I'm afraid she herself can't figure it out. But don't talk about it anymore, because in theory or in reality, the girls who entered the 'Alpha City' with me were other girls, not Eri Asai." Mary sighed and paused for a moment. "I also hope to be better with Ellie." She said, "Especially when I was twelve or thirteen years old, I often thought that way, and wanted to be the best friend with my sister. Of course, it was also out of a kind of longing. But she was so busy at that time. It was a mess. At that time, I was already a model for a girl magazine, and there were a lot of things to practice, and people around me kept praising, so there was no room for me to squeeze in. That is to say, when I was looking for that, Ellie No time was spared to respond to this quest." Takahashi listened silently to Mary's story. "Even though we've lived under the same roof as sisters since we were born, we grew up with very different backgrounds. The food we ate was also different. Well, she has allergies to so many things, so of course the recipes are different from most other people. .” Pause for a moment. Mary continued: "I don't want to criticize—I think my mother spoiled Ellie too much, but it doesn't matter now. All I want to say is: there is such a history between us or something like the original reason, so Even if she wants to be better now, to be honest, I don't know what to do. Do you understand this feeling?" "I want to understand." Mary said nothing more. "While talking to Asai Eri, I suddenly thought," Takahashi said, "I'm afraid she has always had something like an inferiority complex towards you, from quite a long time ago." "Inferiority?" Mary asked. "Ellie to me?" "yes." "Not the other way around?" "Not the other way around." "How did you see that?" "That is to say, as a younger sister, you can always accurately draw the image of what you want to get, you can say it clearly when you have to say no, and you can act steadily at your own pace. But Eri Asai can't do it. Satisfying the tasks assigned by others and satisfying the surroundings seem to be her job since she was a child. To borrow your words, it is to try to be a good Snow White. Yes, everyone praises it, but that thing is sometimes very tiring. I Think. I failed to fully establish my own existence during the most critical period of my life. If the term inferiority is too strong, it’s okay to say that I envy you, anyway.” "Ellie told you that?" "No, I collected the surrounding information of her words and imagined it here and now. I don't think it will deviate too much." "I guess that's exaggerating, though," said Mary. "It's true that I may be somewhat more self-sufficient than Ellie, and I know that. But as a result, the reality of me here is so small." , almost no power. Not enough knowledge, no brains. I am not pretty, and no one takes me seriously. So, even I have not fully established myself as an existence. In this small place In the world, I often feel that my feet are wobbly—how can I be envied by Eri when I am like this?" "For you, it seems that you are still in the preparation period. It is easy to draw conclusions. It is probably the type that takes time." "That girl was only nineteen," said Mary. "That girl?" "A Chinese girl who was beaten up by an unknown man in the room of 'Alpha City', stripped of all her clothes, naked and bleeding. Pretty girl! But the world she lives in has no preparation period, no one Consider if she's the type to take her time. Right?" Takahashi silently admitted. Mary said: "I wanted to be friends with her from the first sight, very, very much. If we met in another place and another time, we would definitely become good friends. I rarely feel that way about anyone. Yes, very little, or rather none at all." "Well." "But even if I think about it that way, the world we live in is vastly different. That's something I can't do anyway, no matter how hard I try to fight for it." "yes!" "We only met for a short while, and hardly talked, but I feel that the girl has completely stayed with me now, as if she has become a part of me. It's not good to express it." "You could feel that girl's pain." "possible." Takahashi was thinking about something, and then he said: "It's just a thought of mine - how about thinking this way, that is to say, your sister is in another place like 'Alpha City' - I don't know where - suffered Senseless violence, silent groans, invisible blood." "Metaphorically?" "Probably." Takahashi said. "You got that impression when you were talking to Ellie?" "She has all kinds of troubles alone, she can't move forward smoothly, she needs help, and she is expressing that feeling in a way that tortures herself—compared with impressions, this is a more accurate thing." Mary got up from the bench, looked up at the night sky, then went to sit on the swing.The dry sound of the yellow sneakers stepping on the dead leaves echoed in the surroundings exaggeratedly.She touched the swing for a while as if confirming the strength of the thick ropes.Takahashi also leaned out of the chair, stepped on the dead leaves, walked to Mary and sat down. "Ellie's asleep now," said Mary candidly, "a very, very deep sleep." "Everyone is asleep, this time." "It doesn't mean that," said Mary, "I mean Ellie doesn't want to wake up." (Note: ①A Compositae herb, native to North America, later introduced to Japan, its pollen is a kind of allergen. ②Super large record and CD stores in Japan)