Chapter 40 Chapter 10 - I miss Tsuen's breath...

For several days in a row, whenever I thought of Mingjing crying, it would be like turning off a power switch, and all the light in my mind would be lost. I seem to see my own color, which is black. I remembered what she said on the first day I met Tsuen: "You get a very, very deep purple that looks like black but is still purple." "Then...then you don't need to repress anymore. Because you're broken." Now, I finally don't need to be depressed anymore. I don't know how many days after Mingjing left, I suddenly thought of what Mingjing said on the balcony on the top floor:

"When the host plant withers, so does the mistletoe." "The fruit of the mistletoe emits a fragrance that attracts birds to eat, and the sticky seeds of the mistletoe stick to the beak of the bird. As the bird migrates, when the bird rubs off these seeds on other trees , the mistletoe will find a new host plant." Destiny bird, please eat me as much as you want. I have left all host plants and will soon be drying out, so you are welcome. But where are you taking me? The bird of fate flaps its wings and flies from south to north. I closed my eyes, only hearing the wind whistling in my ears.

Suddenly, with a wave, I left the beak. Looking down, Taipei has arrived. Tsuen always felt that I would suddenly disappear. But Tsuen, I am no longer a mistletoe that lives on trees, I am dry, unable to bring you love. The withered appearance of Mingjing has made me collapse; I can't bear you withered anymore. If love is really like picking up stones along the river, now I have broken my waist and lost the ability to bend over to pick up stones. Bo Sen once said that I am not a selfish person, but love requires absolute selfishness. I thought, in the crowded and alienated city of Taipei, I should be able to learn to be selfish.

I rented a random room in Taipei, and I settled down. I don't have much except clothes and books. This room is very simple, a bed, a desk, a chair. I put the mistletoe that Mingjing gave me in the drawer, and no longer hung it on the lamp. Because for me, it is no longer a golden dead branch that brings luck and love. It was a bloody, red arrow that shot into Ming Jing's chest. The first impression I had when I arrived in Taipei was that hard hats are expensive things. In the past in Tainan, hard hats were always put on the motorcycle. This habit cost me two hard hats in Taipei.

It is indeed the largest city in Taiwan. People know how to cherish other people's things. I am actually happy, because I will be getting closer and closer to selfishness. I have no friends in Taipei, and I have nowhere to go. I often go out on my motorcycle alone in the middle of the night. Occasionally, if you don't wear a helmet, you have to lose money when you encounter the police. Brothers Bo Sen and Ziyao, I, and I once passed the Tainan Railway Station on a motorcycle and were stopped by the police. The policeman said that we are really great, but his duty is to punish us.

So the three of us each did 50 push-ups in front of the train station. In Taipei, this situation is probably very difficult to happen. I started sending my resume again. There are many suitable jobs in Taipei, so it should be easy to find a job. However, I have been looking for almost a month, but I still haven't found a job. "Why did you quit your last job?" I often encounter this kind of question when I apply for a job. "Because I was fired." I always answer that. Tsuen should be very happy to hear that, because my speech is no longer restrained, and my answer is direct and clear.

But if Mingjing knew, she would definitely worry about me again. After applying for the ninth job, when I left the gate of the company, it began to rain heavily. Hide and hide, just hide in a new restaurant. I order a meal casually, and I eat another piece of meat that I don't know whether it is fish or chicken. Thinking of the scene of the six people eating together in Tainan, and thinking of the things Mingjing cooked, tears fell one by one into the bowl. That was the first time I felt pain in my right shoulder in Taipei. So I switched to my left hand to hold the chopsticks, but I remembered the scene of Mingjing feeding me.

It turned out that although I could escape from Tainan, I couldn't escape all the heavy memories. "Sir, is this dish really bad?" The young restaurant owner came over and asked me: "Otherwise, why are you crying?" "Auntie, because I was moved by this dish." "Ah? What?" The female boss opened her eyes wide. I paid the bill in a hurry and left the restaurant, taking a reluctant look at the restaurant before leaving. "Sir, you can come here often in the future, don't be so reluctant." The female boss said with a smile. Fool, why should I be reluctant to part?That's because I will definitely not come again in the future.

During the job search, I often thought of Tsuen and Mingjing. When I think of Mingjing, I feel self-blame, guilt, guilt, sorrow and so on. When I think of Tsuen, my heart aches. This feeling of heartache is abstract, unlike Tsuen's heartache, which is concrete. Luckily the window in my room faces north so I don't have to look south. And I have been avoiding the line of sight, facing the south. When I was applying for the thirteenth job, I met a senior who taught us how to play rugby. "Ah? Junior, when did you come to Taipei?" "It's been over a month."

"Do you still play football?" "After the Freshman Cup, I stopped playing." "It's a pity." The senior laughed suddenly, "You are a thief, it's hard to be lured by Tuoke." "Senior...I'm here to apply today." "What else should I do! Today is your first day at work." "Senior..." I was a little excited and speechless. "Student," the senior patted me on the shoulder, "Let me show you around the company." When passing by the senior's desk, the senior took out a football from under the table.

"Student, do you remember when I said that curved football is like life?" "Yeah." I nodded. The senior held the rugby in his hand, then let go, and observed the direction in which the rugby jumped. Repeated several times, each time the football jumps in a different direction. "Football jumps in an irregular direction, isn't life the same?" The senior took my shoulders: "When we catch the football, we hug it hard and sprint forward. It's the same in life." "Senior..." "So you have to practice hard." The senior smiled, "Student, come on." I started to get into a regular life. Every morning, I take the bus to the MRT station, and then take the MRT to the company. On the buses in Taipei City, there is often a slogan, "Take the bus is something to be proud of." So every time I got off the bus, I would hold my head up and hold my chest high, with a mighty look on my face.But no one paid me any attention. I often voluntarily stay in the company and work overtime, even if there is no overtime pay. Because I was afraid that when I went back, I would lose my mind and Tsuen and Mingjing would live in. I stopped drinking coffee because I didn't bring the equipment for making coffee to Taipei. In fact, I left a lot of things to that junior Takuya Kimura. I don't smoke anymore because the reason to smoke is gone. So strictly speaking, I am not "quitting smoking", but "no need to smoke anymore". But the spoon Tsuen bought for me is always with me. Every morning as soon as I enter the company, I will fill the teacup with boiled water and put the spoon in it. Until one day, a colleague told me: "Xiao Cai, you are pouring plain water, why are you stirring it with a spoon?" They all call me Xiaocai, but no one knows the nickname Caichong, and the person who called me Guoer also left me. After I carefully observed my movements, I discovered that the movements I do every morning are: Take a spoon...put in a teacup...clockwise...stir five times...stop...watch the swirl smooth...take out the spoon... Put it on the left side of the teacup...the index finger and middle finger rest on the rim of the cup...the remaining three fingers hold the cup body...staring at the spoon... Pick up the cup...put it down...clockwise again...twice...raise the cup...put it to your mouth...touch the rim... Then I hesitated. Because I don't know, should I drink water? Now I have lost the ability to express emotions with words and sounds. So what I repeat every day is, what Tsuen calls, "Missing" and "sad" actions. So several times, I wanted to run back to Tainan to find Tsuen. But at the same time, I will think of Mingjing crying when she left, and then... Then there is no more. No matter how hot I miss Tsuen, Mingjing's tears will always quickly cool down the missing. Then I even feel that missing Tsuen is a despicable act. After all, a murderer in prison should feel guilty for the victim's family, It is right to be tortured by guilt in prison. Four months after arriving in Taipei, I received an e-mail from Bo Sen. The letter reads: Dear vegetable worm, It's 3 a.m. Seattle time, and the goddamn rain is still falling like a dead head. what are you doing I finally found my favorite in Seattle, so I got married, here. She is of Italian descent, and her name will make you feel inferior to your English. How about you?Is everything ok? I'm busy with my degree and my green card. You are probably busy too, so please send me a message if you are free. ps. Have you picked the flower on the edge of the cliff? After receiving the letter, I immediately wrote back to Bo Sen and wished him well. Bo Sen is really a straightforward person, if you like it, just love it.If you fall in love, hurry up. Even knowing that Sun Ying likes him, she can handle it well. I didn't push myself, and I didn't hurt anyone. Unlike me, because I don't want to hurt anyone, I hurt everyone. On Christmas Eve in 2000, the streets were so lively. Almost all go out to party and dance and dine, No one knows how to stay under the mistletoe and pray for happiness. I suddenly remembered that I am mistletoe, and I should bring people love and luck. This is the purpose of my existence and the reason for my atonement. So I ran to the overpass on Zhongxiao East Road, leaned against the white railing, raised my head and raised my hands, imitating the special forked branches of mistletoe. I wish all those who pass under my body and those in the car will be safe and happy forever. "May the person you love the most love you the most." "May you be sure that the person you love will also love you." "May you cherish those who love you, and may their love be worthy of your cherishing." "May the person you love the most in everyone's life appear first." "May the person who appears first in everyone's life be the one who loves the most." "May your love have only joy and happiness, without sorrow and guilt." In my heart, I kept shouting repeatedly. It was still raining lightly that night, and everyone who passed by me thought I was crazy. I stood all night until dawn. After returning home, I was ill for two days and went to work as usual. I was still thinking in my heart, which road should I go to on the flyover next year? The year 2001 finally arrived, and the newspapers said that on the first day of the 21st century, the sun still came out from the east. "The sun rises from the east" is indeed a truth that cannot be challenged. Some things will never change, just like my debt to Mingjing. And my thoughts on Tsuen. This year's Lunar New Year comes very early, January 23 is New Year's Eve. I didn't go home for the New Year, and I volunteered to be on duty at the company during the Spring Festival. "Xiao Cai, you are really a strange person." A colleague said so. It seems that I'm back to my days of being seen as an odd person. It doesn't matter, as long as Tsuen and Mingjing don't think I'm weird, that's enough. Then just today, the second day of the Lunar New Year, I saw the words Tsuen wrote on the cigarette. I just realized how much I miss Tsuen. So I did something that I thought was crazy. I escaped from the cage built by Mingjing's tears. I thought that I would have to stay in this prison for the rest of my life. But I only served more than half a year in prison. Mingjing, I know I'm sorry for you. Even if I exile myself in Taipei and deliberately put myself in a state of being punished, I'm still sorry for you. But, Mingjing, please forgive me. I love Tsuen. Because there can be many kinds of likes, and the degree of likes can also be high or low. You can like someone as high as the Himalayas. You can also like to the height of the universe super thunderbolt invincible. But there is only one love, and there is no high or low. I love Tsuen. In what mood was Tsuen writing on the cigarette? This should be an intense thought movement, but why is the handwriting so clear? Although Mingjing's handwriting is beautiful, it is a bit masculine for a girl. If you let Mingjing write on the cigarette, the smoke should dissipate, right? As for Tsuen's characters, the dots, picks, presses, skims, and hooks in the strokes are always sharp and not smooth. Like carving. Only Tsuen's gentle movements could engrave so many clear words on the cigarette. When did Tsuen engrave these words? Probably a few days after Mingjing left. At that time Tsuen came looking for me, I just remember that her hands holding the handbag suddenly let go. The tote bag fell to the floor without making a sound. Tsuen's tears kept flowing from the corner of her eyes, and then she dipped her right index finger in the tears and rubbed between my brows. She must be trying to lighten my color. It's a pity that my colors are not like watercolors, they will be diluted and lightened after adding water. "My heart...it hurts so much...it hurts so much!" Tsuen used an exclamation point tone for the second time. Tsuen, my heart hurts too, you know? I raised my head and opened the car door. The scenery outside the car was so familiar. The radio sounded in the car, Tainan was coming soon. I took another look at the words on the tenth cigarette. "No matter how difficult the present is, there is always memory and the past", this sentence is true. No matter what I did right or wrong before, it's over. Now I am going back to Tainan soon. I want to see Tsuen. Tsuen, are you in Tainan now?Kaohsiung?Or go back home in Taichung? From my pocket, I took out the nine cigarettes I had read before, together with the tenth cigarette, Hold it carefully in your hand, one by one, put it into the cigarette case. Turning over the cigarette case, Tsuen actually wrote a few more lines next to the words "Warning from the Department of Health, Executive Yuan: Smoking is harmful to health" printed on the back of the case: It's all said and done I can't say enough, I still miss Asking you to quit smoking is like asking me to quit thinking about you Well, smoke it Dear Tsuen, I have long since stopped smoking. Although you wrote on the first cigarette, "When these words are reduced to ashes, I will be on your chest." But these words will never turn into ashes, and you will always be on my chest. Because you are not engraved on the cigarette, but directly engraved in my heart. I miss Tsuen's gasp. I miss Tsuen's subtle movements. I miss Tsuen's tea-brown eyes. I miss the melody of Tsuen's speaking tone. I miss Tsuen crying with a red nose. I miss the first quarter moon when the corners of Tsuen's mouth are raised. I miss Tsuen waiting under the sunset in Xiziwan. I just kept missing Tsuen presumptuously and forcefully for no reason. "Tsuen, I'm almost there. Can you wait for me a little longer?"