Chapter 32 Thirty-two who am I

Cogito ergo sum — Descartes I am who I am, a woman, not a "second sex". — Lacey Stone Everything started like this, from this bright It started with a glaring and tired and haggard face.This is the experiment. —— Duras That's how it happened, and it gave people headaches, screamed, and made people go crazy. I'm not a cold-blooded woman, and I'm not crazy.My last collection of stories, The Scream of a Butterfly, is out again.The godfather and Deng arranged for me to go to various colleges and universities to do publicity, answering questions from boys such as "Miss Ni Ke, will you run naked one day?" what do you want".

When I went to Fudan, I lay down on the lawn for a while, looked at the sky, and thought about that person. In the days that followed, Zhu Sha put on her wedding dress for the second time, and the groom was a proud young painter, Ah Dick, who was 8 years younger than her.There was a gap of 3 months and 20 days between the wedding and the daily funeral, which probably most people don't realize except me. The wedding was held at a Lawrence gallery in Fuxing Park, and that day was also the day when the groom's personal painting exhibition was held.Many Chinese and foreign guests came, including Madonna.Madonna gave the couple a generous gift, a pair of Omega gold watches, which she used to show her dignity. After all, Dick was one of the men she cared about the most.

I didn't talk to her much, I suddenly didn't like her that much anymore, maybe she didn't say anything unnecessary to Tian Tian, ​​maybe she didn't really want to control the friends she knew.But I no longer want to get too close to her. There were too many people and the stuffy air was uncomfortable, so I left early. There are emails from Germany all the time, from Mark and Shamir.I told them about Tiantian's death, and I said that now my heart is at peace, because my novel is about to be finished, and this is the best gift for Tiantian and that part of my life. Shamir invited me to go to Germany after finishing the novel, "It will be good for your recovery. Come and see the steeple church, the Black Forest and the crowd here. I believe Mark is also looking forward to seeing you."

And Mark’s emails are always long and long, telling me what he has done recently, where he has been, and the quarrel with his wife. I don’t know what kind of trust makes him confide in me. impulse, perhaps a woman who writes a novel can be trusted in her understanding and intuition, even if I stole his sapphire wedding ring.I wear this ring on my thumb all the time because it really looks good. It is decided to go to Berlin after the Ghost Festival at the end of October. The Ghost Festival is my favorite festival. It is romantic and imaginative. It uses masquerade games to drive away the rotten smell of death.

Before leaving for Germany, I did some tidying up, sorting out the manuscript of the novel, and tidying up the apartment in the western suburbs.I'm going to move back in with my parents, and I'm going to give Connie the keys to the apartment.Everyday things are still there.I picked out a self-portrait of Tian Tian, ​​a collection of poems by Dylan Thomas that he liked, and a white shirt he often wore. There is still his body odor on the shirt, and his face is deeply buried in it. The familiar smell reminds people of lost happiness. That night happened to be the weekend, and I walked for a long time on foot, through the Hengshan Road with deep phoenix trees, and walked into a nostalgic alley.

Connie's Spanish restaurant is right in front of you, brightly lit, flowers dancing, and well-dressed figures swaying in the window, and when you get closer, you can hear someone singing a Latin love song, followed by polite applause. I walked up the steps and asked the waiter at the door where Connie was. The waiter led me through the winding corridors, and I saw Connie in full makeup among a large group of people standing.She wore a strapless evening dress, her hair was tucked into a high bun, and she wore thick and dripping lipstick. She looked decent and smart, like an elegant crane.

In the middle of the crowd was a pair of Latin men and women in beaded black dance costumes dancing Latin dance amid singing. They were young and beautiful. The girl's legs were gracefully held in the man's hand, followed by a series of dazzling whirls.Connie ended her conversation with a white-haired old gentleman beside her, and saw me as soon as she turned around.He bowed to the people around him and walked towards me. "How are you honey?" she said, hugging me.I smiled and nodded, "You are beautiful and you will always be beautiful." I said, and then I took a bunch of keys out of my handbag and handed them to her.I've told her my current plans on the phone.

She looked at the key, was silent for a moment, and then took it, "I still don't understand...how did it become like this. What did I do wrong? God treated me like this. OK,—forget about it, you are a smart man Girl, take care of yourself." We kissed goodbye, and Juan came over and gave me a hug. "Goodbye." I waved my hand and walked out the door quickly.The music and dancing goes on, but it has nothing to do with me. Walking into the courtyard on the ground floor, as soon as I walked out of the door, I bumped into an old lady with white hair, wearing glasses, and fair skin. She looked like a professor's wife. I said "I'm sorry" repeatedly, but she ignored her. , Go straight to the iron gate.

As soon as the concierge saw her, he hurriedly closed the big carved iron door. The old lady began to push the door hard, but when it didn’t work, she began to yell and curse, “You vixen, you’re a murderer, you killed my son 10 years ago.” , is not enough, and killed my grandson, your heart must be dark, I curse you to be hit by a car when you go out..." Her voice was very hoarse, and I stood firmly beside her. I already knew who this angry and out-of-control old lady was.This was the first time I saw her in person. She didn't show up at Tian Tian's funeral, presumably Connie didn't want her to attend.Connie was always afraid of her and avoided her, but Tian Tian's grandma still found her.

The concierge persuaded her softly, "Grandma, you have been here dozens of times, why bother, you are so old, go home and rest." "Bah," the old lady glared, "No one can send me to a mental hospital—she thinks she's fine with giving me hundreds of thousands of alimony. I must ask for an explanation." She began Pushing the door open again, I quickly stepped forward to help the old lady. "Grandma." I called softly, "I'll take you home, it's going to rain." She stared at me suspiciously, and then looked at the sky above, where there were thick clouds that were dark red by the city lights.

"Who are you?" She asked in a low voice, I thought for a while, a gentle and raw undercurrent swept over my body, so that I didn't know how to answer this tired and helpless old woman for a moment. yeah who am iwho am I?