Chapter 28 Twenty-eight, lover's tears

All the jokes, all the lost cartoons. — Allen Ginsberg After this, at night's end, it's too late to deny, It's too late to stop loving you. —— Duras Open the door of the room, the eyes are empty and quiet.A happy spider quickly climbed from the wall to the big flower board.Everything in the room was the same, I was away every day, maybe I was still in the restaurant, maybe I couldn’t find me after I came back and went out again. I have realized that my sudden disappearance may be a fatal mistake. This is the first time I disappeared without any pretense. He will definitely call me every day. If he finds out that I am not at home... I have no energy to think about anything else I took a shower, forced myself to take two Valium tablets, and lay down on the bed.

In the dream, it was a turbid, yellow, broad and daunting river. There was no bridge cable, only a bamboo boat that leaked, and a bad-tempered old man with a white beard was in charge of the boat.I crossed the river together with a person whose face was not clear. When I reached the middle of the river, a big wave hit me. Hugging me tightly, "Don't worry," he (she) whispered softly, and then used his body to balance our boat.When the next danger is imminent, the dream is over.The phone rang and woke me up. I don't want to answer the phone. The scene in the dream just happened fascinated me. Who is the person who is in the same boat as me? There is an old saying: "Ten years of cultivation can make us cross the same boat, and a hundred years of cultivation can make us sleep together."

My heart was beating uncomfortably, and finally I picked up the phone. It was Connie's voice, looking very disturbed, asking me if I knew where Tian Tian was.My head hurt violently, "No, I don't know either." I hate my fake voice, if Connie knew what I was up to these days, somewhere, she would probably never want to talk to me again, she might even have someone beat me to death, if she was ever in Spain Murdered her ex-husband, if she really had a vicious heart full of maternal juice, she should know how the only son she cared about was betrayed and deceived by the girl he loved the most.

"I've called several times, but no one answered. I'm really worried that both of you disappeared at the same time." There was something in her words, and I pretended not to understand what she meant, "I'm at my parents' house these days." She sighed, "Is your mother's leg okay?" "Thank you, she's fine." I thought about it and asked Connie, "Isn't Tiantian painting in the restaurant?" "The last part was not finished, and he left. I thought he went home. Will he be safe?" Her anxious voice. "No, maybe I went to another friend's house. I'll call and ask." I was the first to think of Madonna, and when I called, Madonna's voice sounded hoarse, and Tian Tian was indeed there. .

"He said he wanted to stay here for a few more days." Madonna's voice hinted at something, didn't she want to come back every day?He doesn't want to see me.Because I disappeared for a few days without notifying him, I guess he might have called my parents' house, so my lie can't stand. I walked around the house a few times irritably, smoked a few cigarettes, and finally decided to go to Madonna's house. I must see Tian Tian. Sitting in the car, my mind was empty, and I made up 101 reasons to excuse myself, each of which was more untenable than the last. Who would believe that I suddenly disappeared because I went to the wedding of a college classmate in Guangzhou, or He was taken away by masked men who came to rob the door.

So, I'm not going to lie, tell him what I've been doing these days, I can't face someone with a baby's pure eyes.The boy with the intelligence of a genius and love like a madman lies.I can't humiliate his mind like that, except to tell the truth, I have already prepared the worst plan, and I lost the two most memorable men in my life at the same time in just a few days. I am always compromising, compromising, lying, and at the same time always have an overly poetic attitude towards love and reality. I feel that no highly educated girl in the world is as bad as me. The principal of Fudan should take back my diploma ,

Along the way, I said silently in my heart: "Okay, say it, okay, I can't take it anymore, I love you every day, if you feel sick to me, just spit on me." I was exhausted all the way Waiting for the end of the road to appear, I was exhausted, and in the makeup mirror was a strange woman with dark circles and dry lips, who was blinded by multiple personalities and timid love. Madonna's white villa is located among the flowers, red willows and greenery in the countryside. She specially asked people to make a long, curved and curved driveway. According to the argument of an American book, a driveway that is so long that the door cannot be seen. It implies the master's noble social status and upper class.But the rhododendrons and willows on both sides of the driveway spoil this symbolism with their gaudy scenery.

I spoke to the answering machine at the door, here I am, please open the door quickly. The door opened automatically, and a hound jumped out vigorously. I saw Tian Tian lying on the lawn smoking a cigarette at a glance. I bypassed the hound and went to Tiantian. He opened his eyes and gave me a look: "Hi!" he said sleepily. "Hi!" I greeted and stood for a while without knowing why. Madonna, in a bright red casual dress, came down the porch steps, "Would you like something to drink?" She asked me with a lazy smile, and the nanny brought a large glass of apple juice mixed with red wine.

I asked Tiantian how the past two days were going, and he said, "It's pretty good." Madonna yawned and said, there's everything here, and you can come down too, it's so lively.Several figures appeared one after another on the balcony of the building.Only then did I realize that there are a group of people here, including several foreigners including Johnson, the fifth child and his girlfriend, and several thin and tall girls with model looks. They all have a lazy expression on their faces, like a Like a swarm of snakes wandering in a poisonous nest. From the look in the eyes and the atmosphere, I can smell the presence of marijuana.I walked to Tiantian’s side, and he bent his face on the grass blades, as if he was in a semi-drowsy state to communicate with the land, just like the Titan, the son of the earth in ancient Greek mythology, who would die if he left the land.To be face to face with him was sometimes like being face to face with sudden melancholy, and at the same time concealed a certain unbelievable mania.

"Don't you want to talk to me?" I took his hand. He withdrew his hand and said to me with a bewildered smile: "CoCo, do you know? If your left foot hurts, my right foot hurts too." This is expressed by his favorite Spanish writer Unamuno Catholic definition of love. I looked at him silently, his eyes were suddenly covered with more than 20 layers of gray mist of different shades, and in the center surrounded by layers of mist was a hard diamond that made people feel painful. Made me realize that he already knew what he needed to know, that he was the only person in the world who could fully enter my world with unforeseen intuition, that we were tied to the same nerve ending, and that when my left foot hurt He could feel the pain in his right foot right away, and there was no room for lying.

I felt my eyes go dark, and I fell down to the grass next to him extremely tiredly. The moment I lost control of my body, I saw Madonna's thin and thin face glowing with a cold white light, suddenly swaying to one side, as if tilted and broken sail, and a row of gray waves quickly lifted me up, and a huge shell said every day: "CoCo, CoCo." When I opened my eyes, the surroundings were very quiet. I was like a pebble washed up on the beach by the tide occasionally, and I crawled heavily on the soft mattress. One room, full of brown and overly lavishly pointless decor. With a cold towel on my forehead, I looked past the glass of water on the bedside table and saw Tian Tian sitting on the sofa.He came over, touched my face gently, and took off the towel: "Do you feel better?" I wince involuntarily at his touch.The dizzy thing was still pressing me smoothly, and I still felt extremely tired and low. He sat on the edge of the bed, motionless, just staring at me with his eyes. "I've been lying to you," I said weakly, "but there's one thing I've never lied to you," I stared at the ceiling with wide eyes, "and that's that I love you." He doesn't speak. "Did Madonna tell you something?" Blood was rushing in my ears, "She promised not to tell you anything... Do you think I'm shameless?" I couldn't keep my mouth shut, the more I The more prostration I want to speak, the more I speak, the more stupid I am, tears flowed out, staining the strands of hair on my cheeks, "I don't know why, I want you to give me at least one flawless sex, I long for you so much because I love you." "Yes, darling, love will tear us apart," sang Ian Cortis, who committed suicide in 1980. Tiantian bent down and hugged me, "I hate you!" He squeezed out a few words through his teeth.Every word seemed to explode at any moment, "Because you made me hate myself." He also cried, "I can't have sex, my existence is just a mistake. Don't pity me, I should disappear immediately." If your left foot hurts, my right foot hurts. If you are suffocated by life, my breath will also stop. If your expression of love has a black hole, I can't fly in perfect lyric. If you sell your soul to the devil, I will also have a dagger in my chest.We hold together, we exist we exist, and nothing else exists.