Chapter 19 19. Go to the South

The key is on the windowsill, the key is in the sunlight at the window, I have the key, marry Ellen!don't do drugs The keys are in the sunlight by the window. — Allen Ginsberg The next day I took a small travel bag and went directly to the airport by car.At the airport, I bought a plane ticket to Haikou after get off work.After doing this, I remembered that I had some calls to make.No one answered the phone in Tiantian's room, and he didn't seem to be in the hotel, so I left a message to the front desk of the hotel, telling me when I arrived in Haikou.Flipping through the address book, I felt a little dejected. At this time, when I was faced with an unpredictable problem, I still couldn't seem to find a suitable person to call to share my panic and anxiety.

Madonna's cell phone is off, the phone in Zhu Sha's office is busy all the time, and the cell phone is also busy. I don't know how many people she is talking to at the same time. Spider is not in Shanghai because of a business trip. His colleague asked me if I could leave anything. Say thank you and no more.The rest are my editor Deng, my psychologist-Dawei, my lover Mark, my parents, and several men I have known before. I plugged the magnetic card in and out of the phone, feeling depressed, turned my face and saw a McDonnell Douglas plane taxiing along the runway through the large glass window, and after accelerating, it suddenly looked up and rushed out of me Sight.That instant soaring posture is very graceful, like a big silver bird.John Denver's song "Flying Away" has touched the hearts of many lonely travelers.

I went into the smoking room and sat across from a man.He turned slightly sideways, and you could see that he had a nice Agassiz mustache and a long, flared leather skirt.I didn't know that a Chinese man could have such a stylish beard with this kind of beard, and he was the only man I met who wore a leather skirt on the plane.The brand he smoked was "Three Five", and I could smell the unique rough smell in the smoke, like the feeling of semolina sticking to the tip of the tongue.Hot smoke is caught between cold fingers. Then he turned his face to face me, his eye circles were slightly darkened, but his eyes were very bright, looking majestic and soft, an image of yin and yang reversed, positive and negative.

We all stared at each other for a while, and he stood up, smiled and opened his arms to me, "CoCo, is that you?" This person was Fei Pingguo, a stylist I had met in Beijing. We hugged, then sat side by side and smoked.After a few conversations, it turned out that we were going to the same place on the same plane.My head was aching all the time, and the light in the smoking room was uncomfortable. "You don't look well, what's the problem?" He looked down at my face carefully and wrapped his arms around me. "It's not very good.... But it's a long story. I went to pick up my boyfriend, and he was about to collapse there.... And I don't have much strength." I murmured, throwing away the cigarette butt , stood up, "The air here is really bad." I said, and walked towards the door.

He followed. "Wait, hey, what's on the ground?" I walked out in a daze, "CoCo, did you drop your earring?" I touched my ears, sighed, and took this rice-sized diamond earplug from Flying Apple. It will have different brilliance and shapes under different lights. It is the color of my current black body. The only bright spot.I thanked him and thought to myself as we walked, "It's true that when something goes wrong, people will make trouble in everything. Even smoking a cigarette in a good way will cause the earrings to fall off." I called Mark anyway before the gate, and he sounded busy. "Hello." His voice was absent-minded.My voice also became cold, and it is only fair to put a cold face on a cold face, so as to protect myself.

"I'm at the airport," I said, "I won't be able to attend the weekend dinner, please tell your wife, I'm sorry." "Where are you going?" He finally got his attention. "My boyfriend's there." "Will it be a long time?" His voice began to seep into serious anxiety, maybe the pen was put down in his hand, and the file was closed. "If that's the case, will you be sad?" I still had a cold voice.I really can't be happy now, I look so hard, like a resentful girl at the end of the 20th century.I'm not happy with anything, there are so many problems.

"CoCo!" he moaned, "You know what's going to happen to me, oh no kidding, you'll be back soon, huh?" I was silent for a while, of course, he was right, I will bring Tian Tian back, everything should be fine.Can it be restored to the previous state?Can I still write a novel with peace of mind by having two men (one of whom takes drugs out of depression)? I started to cry, and Mark’s anxious voice: “What’s the matter, baby, you talk.” "It's nothing, I'll contact you when I get back." I said and hung up the phone.I think I polluted other people with my bad mood, and Mark would walk around the office restlessly, poor man, and poor me.

Wu Dawei once said to me: pity yourself is the most contemptible behavior. When he said this, he had a god-like expression on his face, and his face was bright.And I never listened to his words, I was always easy to pity myself, narcissism is the most beautiful temperament in me. The plane passed through the clouds, and the flying apple sat next to me.He kept talking, while I was reading a magazine, took off my coat, took the coat, read the magazine again, closed my eyes, put my left hand on my bottom and raised my right hand on my chest, coughed and opened my eyes, and adjusted the position of the seat back .

The flight attendant brought drinks and snacks, and when I was putting the small shelf, the Coke in my hand accidentally spilled on Fei Apple's lap, and I quickly said "I'm sorry".So I started talking to him, the eyes of this beautiful man flickered like a dark fire, like an invisible net, like a generator, which can electrify a group of women, except for sad women like me. He said that he has now absorbed the popular elements of Japan, and advocates using pink, pink blue and silver to take care of the image of customers.His companions sat in the back rows, including a female film and television star, two photographers, three styling assistants, and three healthy male attendants.They are going to Hainan to take a set of photos for female stars.I seem to have seen that female star in a play. She looks average, neither a lady nor a queen, except for her beautiful breasts, she is nothing to show for it.

Flying Apple sat beside me, talking non-stop to drive away the random thoughts in my mind.I keep hearing him say that I think men in leather skirts are either hideous or cute, from a bad tooth he got pulled last month to his parents always fighting and his girlfriend always being jealous of him boyfriend. I fell asleep, and when I woke up, Flying Apple closed his eyes, and then he woke up too. "Are you there?" he asked me, and pulled back the shutter to see what was under the plane. "On the way," he said, smiling at me. "Don't you ever smile?" "What?... No, I don't want to laugh right now."

"because I?" "No, because of my boyfriend." He touched my hand and shook it. "Don't be afraid of troubles, everyone has big and small troubles at any time. Like me, I jump from one trouble to another, and I don't know if I love women more or men more." "It's always good to love and be loved." I smiled at him, maybe this smile is sad, it's always a topic like this, even if my story and I disappear at the same time, other people's stories are still being staged , the word that fills it is the word "love", and what surrounds it is thrilling, heart-wrenching, all kinds of scenes. When the plane was approaching Hainan Airport, it encountered a sudden airflow, and the plane shook so badly that the stewardess fell on the carpet while inspecting the passenger seat belts. Everyone on the plane panicked, and I heard the female star scream, pointing at a man who looked like a manager, she said, "I just don't want to take this flight, it's a good time, because I'm in a hurry, I have to catch my life." Her screams made the atmosphere on the plane seem weird, like a movie, rather than something really happening. Flying Apple held my hand tightly, his face pale, "The thought of being able to hold your hand and fall down is not so bad." "No," I said, enduring the violent churning in my stomach, "the fortune teller never said that I would have an accident, so the plane will not fall. Expert statistics say that the plane is the safest means of transportation in the world .” "I bought insurance. Air accident insurance plus life insurance is a lot of money. I don't know if my parents will be happy or sad." Fei Apple muttered to himself. Just as he was talking, the plane suddenly returned to normal, and entered a state of being in a state of stillness again. At the airport, Flying Apple and I hurriedly kissed each other goodbye, and there was always a wet feeling on our lips. Many gay or bisexual men have a different kind of warmth, a furry warmth like a small animal, even though they are prone to AIDS . "Small Balls" sang well by Alanis Morissette, "I'm sick, but I'm a pretty baby." The taxi drove all the way, the blue sky was outside the window, there were many bright houses under the blue sky, I didn't know where I was.The driver drove for a while without thinking, and finally drove me to the hotel where I stayed every day. It didn't look very big. I asked the front desk if B405 had read my message, and the service lady said no.Her lips were very red, and a little of the lipstick remained on her teeth.I tried to call up, every day is not there.I had to sit on the sofa in the corner of the hall and wait. The sun shines on the street outside the glass wall at three o'clock in the afternoon, and the unfamiliar crowds and cars are bustling, but it is not as crowded as Shanghai, and it does not have the exquisite and foreign atmosphere that I am familiar with.People all look alike.Occasionally, a particularly beautiful tall woman walked by, obviously an immigrant from the north.They have a domineering beauty that Shanghai women lack, and their eyes are more powerful, but Shanghai women are still proud of their delicacy, restraint, and calculation. I was so hungry that I picked up my bag and went to the street.There was a fast food restaurant opposite, so I sat down at a street-facing location so that I could see the people coming and going from the hotel entrance. There are some fashionable kids in the fast food restaurant, chatting on ji li gua la in a language that I can't understand, while Cantonese songs are played on the radio, and English is played at the same time.Two policemen walked in, and strangely enough, they all looked at me at the same time. They bought Cokes and gave me another look before turning around and walking out the glass door.I touched my face and it seemed to be fine, my black corset had no cracks or slips, the zippers on my pants were fine, my belly was tight and smooth and there was no sign of pregnancy.It seems that I either look beautiful or I am suspicious. I'm not hungry anymore, I don't have any appetite at all, I can't eat anything, I just drink coffee in small sips.There is a chemical taste in this cup of coffee, like drinking furniture polish. Walked into the bathroom and saw a pale self in the mirror.I straddled the toilet bowl and pissed like a man, which is how I always solve problems in public restrooms.Toilet seat pads have been used by countless people, with countless bodily fluids, germs, smells, memories, testimonies and histories.This toilet looks like a huge white fly, perching on the crotch of women of all colors without complaint. There was a sudden dull pain in the lower abdomen, and I saw a smear of red on the toilet paper. It was so unlucky that almost as soon as I left Shanghai to go to other places, my period came without exception.Especially now that I've come to face a matter of life and death for me and my loved ones, but my own body is caught in a different kind of dilemma. The nervous tension intensified the contraction of the endometrium, and the pain came in bursts.I thought the last time I had sex with Mark I had implanted a fetus. I even thought about confessing everything to Tiantian and letting the fetus be born. It doesn't matter who gave me this child, as long as she (him) has love flowing in it blood, as long as her (his) smile can make the sky bright, the birds sing joyously, and the haze and melancholy disappear, as long as... Chilling with pain, I pulled all the paper off the rolls to make a thick stack to stuff in my panties, and I hoped the rolls had been sterilized.What I need now is a large cup of hot water and a hot water bag to cover my stomach. My mother once said to me: Most women don't have this monthly suffering when they give birth to a child, because the cervix is ​​loosened.That is to say, if I don’t want to have children in my life, I will have to suffer for the rest of my life. If the menopause is at the age of 55, then there are still 30 years until now, 12 times a year.My mind is spinning fast, and by this time I am more neurotic than a sick cat.Cinnabar also has this problem, but it's not severe. In comparison, Madonna is more exaggerated.The men around her left her one by one, although there were many reasons, but one of them was that she couldn't stand her moodiness during the seven out of control days in a month.Violence and debilitating tormented her and them, like she sent her boyfriend to the supermarket to buy painkillers and tampons, but when they got back she was pissed off either because they didn't buy them fast enough or because they didn't get the brand she wanted Furious, clothes and debris fell on the floor.Her memory went bad and she turned back and forth, canceling all appointments, parties, plans, no one can laugh with her head up in front of her, and she can't walk quietly.If she turned around suddenly and found her boyfriend behind her, she would scream.She would also have nightmares incessantly at night. She dreamed of some underworld men she knew when she was working in Guangzhou. They reached into her womb and took away a strange machine that looked like a priceless treasure. She screamed in despair and woke up. When I came over, I found that the tampons were soaked with blood, and seeped into the sheets and mattress, and some were stained on my boyfriend's underwear.So she goes to the bathroom to flush and sits on the toilet to change her tampons while her boyfriend can't take it anymore, of course. The impact of monthly menstruation on women involves all aspects of physiology and psychology.Movies, TV and books have also done enough articles in this regard. Once the menstruation does not come, the fate of the heroine will change accordingly.It's kind of silly to watch too much, but it gives feminists some kind of leverage to keep asking men: Is this fair?When will there be real women's liberation? Stuffed with thick roll paper, the walking posture is a bit splayed, as helpless as a baby wrapped in a diaper.At this point I had lost my grip on what was going to happen next.I want to see my baby right away, I think of the warmth that goes into my bones when I hug and merge with him.This kind of warmth from one heart to another has nothing to do with lust, but it has another kind of madness produced by the chemical reaction of family affection and love, as well as the unanalyzable spell of God. I drank hot coffee cup after cup, with my left hand tightly covering my lower abdomen, and then I saw a familiar figure through the glass window. I stood up and strode through the glass door.As we crossed the street, I called out his name aloud, he stopped, turned around, and we looked at each other, smiling.Because we had no choice but to absorb each other again with pity and grief born of intense love.We hugged, kissed on the lips, and kissed blood.Love is there from the beginning, just as death is opposite from the beginning.I heard a click in his throat.My uterus warmed, the pain eased, and I knew we were destined to covet the last drop of joy, like among flowers. Because there is no other choice. In the evening, I accompanied him to the dental clinic where Li Le worked. In my eyes, it was a terrible place, dirty, sweet and fishy, ​​with a cold light like a metal shell. Li Le was still so thin and small, as if his development had been suspended due to some accident.I kept my mouth shut, and I admit I was a little scared, but I had promised to accompany Tian Tian to an elementary school playground.There will be an unethical deal in one corner there.And as a condition, Tiantian must follow me back to Shanghai tomorrow.He will go to a drug rehabilitation center run by the Public Security Bureau, and I tell him this is the only way.I need him to be good, we must stay together forever. I hold hands with Tiantian, and the other hand is in my trouser pocket, which contains money, and my stomach starts to hurt again, although the ob sanitary napkin is tightly stuffed in my body, like a gate, as if providing Some sort of vain security. Stepping through a small, unattended door, I saw a playground with a stringed track, a low climbing frame for the children to play on, and a ball net and basketball hoop.We huddled in a shadow under the wall. Tian Tian hugged me gently and wiped the sweat from my forehead with a dirty handkerchief.No matter how bad the situation was, no matter where he was, he always carried a handkerchief every day, and in this he was like a good boy, or a nobleman. "Does it hurt?" He looked at me tenderly, I shook my head and rested my head on his shoulder, the moonlight cast deep shadows above his eyes.He's much thinner, and there's a bruise around his eyes.I can't look at that face very closely, or my eyes will be clouded with tears, and I'll feel helpless as hell. Two figures of men in jeans and sunglasses appeared, and the hand that Tiantian and I held together suddenly became cold. Li Le went up to meet them and whispered something to them.The man came towards us.I squatted in the corner of the big wall, held my breath and calmed down, and remained motionless.Stand up every day and wipe the money I gave in your hands. The man stared at me and asked, "Where's the money?" Reach out every day.The man counted and then smiled, "Okay, after deducting the last debt, I can only give you so much." He said and quickly stuffed a small package into Tian Tian's hand.Put that thing into the upper of his left shoe every day. "Thank you." He said in a low voice, then pulled me up, "Let's go." We walked quickly, Li Le was still talking to them, Tiantian and I walked quickly to the opposite street.The streets are still very lively, people come and go.We stood silently by the side of the road, waiting for an empty taxi to appear.When a group of young men who seemed to be sloppy walked past us, they cast their eyes on me and glanced at me. One of them said something I couldn't understand, it must be foul language, and his companions laughed triumphantly, Kick the empty Coke cup into Tian Tian's lap. Tian Tian's hand in my palm was sweating and became hot. I looked at him and comforted him in a low voice, "Don't bother with them. It's nothing." At this time, an empty taxi drove up in time, and I He beckoned and the car stopped.We got in. We hugged tightly in the car.He kissed me and I couldn't say anything.I silently pressed against his face, his hand was warm on my stomach, the heat from his hand melted the tension in my womb and melted the bruises. "I love you." Tian Tian said softly, "Don't leave me, don't leave me alone, you are the most beautiful and best girl in the world. All I love is you." In the middle of the night, I heard a few cat meows in a daze, as thin as a gossamer.I turned on the light, and sure enough, I saw the ball of thread.I hurriedly got out of bed and put half a plate of salt and pepper barbecue left over from the night on the floor. It walked over, lowered its head and ate, eating very quickly, obviously really hungry. It looked very ugly, its fur was so dirty that the color could not be discerned, and the cat's face was thin, showing the fierceness of a wild cat. I was smoking a cigarette, sitting on the bed and watching it eat, I don’t know how it came back, maybe it saw me in a corner of the street, as if seeing a savior, knowing that it can return to our home in Shanghai .I thought, and suddenly I was moved. I jumped out of bed, picked up the thread ball and went to the bathroom to bathe it with body wash and warm water.It was rubbed by my fingers meekly and motionless, behaved like a child, then I wiped it dry, picked it up and walked to the bed, Tian Tian was still asleep, the ball of thread was sleeping at my and Tian Tian’s feet. The night was uneventful. The second sun was very good. We woke up from the licking and kissing of the thread ball, and the soles of our feet were full of its saliva, which was itchy and crispy. Tiantian and I looked at each other for a moment, and then he started to take off my pajamas, and I opened my eyes wide in the bright morning light.The warm air lifted my naked body, and I saw the pink nipples rising up like buoys on the tide, and my lover's lips were like a small fish, playing in the water tenderly and lovely.I close my eyes and accept it all.His fingers soothed my bleeding wound, and under the lubrication of the blood, I burst out, and I could faintly hear the cry of the thread ball in my ears, and at the same time feel its wet tongue licking the bottom of my feet. The morning I had sex with my partner and a cat stayed in my mind.It's a little bit crazy.The nose is always sticking to the white, sweet and horrible smell of drugs.Yes, I can't get rid of it all the time.Whether dating one man after another, shopping with women, writing alone, or walking on the Gierkezeile Street in Berlin, I can't forget the sweet and horrible smell of the morning with death and love. After complicated check-in procedures at the airport, the "thread ball" was finally allowed to be brought on the plane, and we flew back to Shanghai.