Chapter 11 Section 10

Wednesday 6 July sunny Today is the tenth day. If it takes a month to get rid of the labor pains, if I don't want to beg him to turn back all the time, and I don't feel flustered when I think of his name, then I have successfully walked one-third of the way. Of course, this idea is a bit optimistic. When a large number of people walk on the road, the shadows dragging behind them want to be out of their wits. When they go up and ask, half of them have to say, woo woo woo, I fell out of love half a year ago. But I'm still a little happy. After all, I went from odd to even, which is a qualitative leap.

Realizing this, I finally had a little joy, and this sad little joy brought Wang Xiaojian a rare cleanness—because I didn’t sigh all morning. Wei Yiran called and politely asked me if I was feeling better.My heart softened again, what a man, it's a pity it's not mine. I have long been used to this kind of envy, jealousy and hatred.When I was young, I went to the street with my mother. My mother took my hand and praised other people's children: Oh, what a wonderful child, but it's a pity that it's not mine. The same goes for dating. When a boyfriend sees a girl with 36D buttocks and stockings on the street, he will mutter to himself with bright eyes: Hey, this girl is really awesome.

Being gentle and intelligent, I would kick him at the weak point and fill in the second half of the sentence for him: It's a pity it's not yours. I made a fool of myself, just when Wei Yiran started to talk about serious business over there: ...do you think it's okay to arrange this way? I quickly asked: what? "Xiao Ke said, I would like to invite you to find someone to make a commemorative short film, and she wants to use film." "It's expensive to shoot on film." "It's okay, it's okay, the key is to take good pictures of her." "learn."

"Then look, when will you have time for us to meet again? Xiao Ke wrote a script, can you find someone who knows how to read it?" I hesitated immediately, but kept saying yes, yes, yes. "Then, do you think you have time this afternoon?" I thought to myself, is this using our service providers as urban management envoys, and they appear quickly with a phone call?I'm in a better mood, and I really don't want to squat back in the corner and feel sorry for myself after seeing you sweet couple. I just wanted to say, "Hey, I can't do it today, the schedule is full." But at this moment, the big old king focused on me, with his stomach sideways, strolling past our area all the way, as if listening attentively.

So all I could say was, "Sure, no problem." After hanging up the phone, I became anxious, where can I find a literary youth who can write scripts?So I plucked up the courage to interrupt Wang Xiaojian who was working hard, Wang Xiaojian turned to look at me with a sad face, "What are you doing?" "Do you know anyone from the film school?" Wang Xiaojian sighed, "Huang Xiaoxian'er, I graduated from the Literature Department of the Film Academy, and even the sweeping lady knows about this." It seems that the rumor that the film academy is a holy place for gays is not a legend floating in the wind, but a clear fact.

After talking with Wei Yiran and his wife, I was exhausted immediately, and I didn't even have the strength to complain.Like a professional screenwriter, Li Ke sent us the script, and I was shocked to see the large-scale "affectionate kiss", "dry wood and fire", and "the fusion of heaven and earth".Wang Xiaojian is even more hateful. After reading the script, he looks like he has entered a nuclear reaction zone. He doesn't say anything and doesn't express his opinion. When asked him anything, he can answer in two words at most: "Maybe", "Maybe", "Fair". It's really a pity that you don't become a civil servant.

I could only point to a paragraph of text and ask the screenwriter Li, "Look here." Li Ke and Wei Yiran finally embraced each other. stand up……" Screenwriter Li interrupted me, "Isn't it really beautiful?" I swallowed the words "beautiful JB" with difficulty, and then continued, "Uh... yes, it is beautiful, but the key is, how to shoot such a big scene, this meteor shower is not easy to rent Yes, right?" I looked at Wang Xiaojian. Wang Xiaojian remained expressionless, "That's right." Screenwriter Li was upset, and his small face sank, "You are still professional, even I know that these can be used as stunts?"

Wang Xiaojian calmly answered the question again: "Waste." "Money is not a problem. You only get married a few times in a lifetime. When you should waste it, you have to waste it. Right, still?" Wei Yiran was also infected with Wang Xiaojian's two-word answer syndrome, "Hey." I was completely depressed, and I imagined the scene of this movie: two people standing in a wilderness in the suburbs of Beijing, embracing each other with hunger and thirst. … Maybe it's pretty too. After seeing off Wei Yiran and Li Ke, I sat on the sofa and didn't even have the energy to stand up.Wang Xiaojian still had a calm expression on his face, "Aren't you leaving?"

I was overwhelmed by his way of speaking with two words, "don't go." Wang Xiaojian made a gesture to leave, "Goodbye." "See you." It was supposed to be a day to take advantage of the victory, take advantage of the good mood, go home, take a bath, drink a cup of warm milk, and have a good sleep.But now I am depressed like a kelp, hanging limply on the sofa in the bar. Every time Wei Yiran made appointments, at Li Ke's request, they would always meet in a splendid place in the city, and this time was no exception. The bar was filled with a mixed atmosphere of various high-end perfumes.The balcony where I was sitting, turned around a little, and I could see the eaves of the Forbidden City.

The night is slowly sinking, and there is a vigorous smell in the air, but the wind blows very gently. This is summer in Beijing. I have lived with it for several years, but every time it changes seasons, it waves goodbye to me. Very nostalgic. On the streets of Jingshan, the cars slid slowly one by one; the old man was sitting on a rattan chair under the tree, shaking a cattail fan, flirting with the pretty-looking aunt in the small shop in the way of sunset red; Walking along the side of the road; the trees swayed silently and made a sound of swaying, the sound is really heart-stirring; the clouds are really like what Li Ke described at this moment, rolling towards the skyline with a clear purpose, and then turning over layers open.

Somewhere in my heart has softened. Ten days ago, summer was still hesitant to speak, but now it has come to me calmly. I like summer the most, but this year, it came too hastily. No time to take a good look. Despite the pretentiousness of the bar, I reached for a refill, which was so expensive that I wanted to call 12315 to complain. I tried my best not to look at the most beautiful scenery in my field of vision - the Forbidden City, but after drinking, I finally mustered up the courage to face it squarely. Forbidden City. The Forbidden City is the best when it snows. I've only been there once, and it was with him. It was also many years ago, the Forbidden City was all white, which made the buildings look more approachable. We two fell in love until the early morning, but we still stared at each other's eyes and didn't want to go home. The snow is getting bigger and bigger, he said, where should we go for a walk? We arrived at the Forbidden City, the two of us wore thinner clothes than the other, and we were the first tourists that day.For half an hour, we were the only ones in the entire Forbidden City. We suddenly lost our voices, and no one spoke anymore. footprints. At that moment, we were overwhelmed by the huge emotion we created. In the snow, he said, Huang Xiaoxian, is it cold? My teeth were chattering, and I shouted: It's not cold!My heart is warm. He wrapped me in his coat and whispered next to my ear, "Huang Xiaoxian, I love you." At the moment I can still feel it, the hot air from his mouth was blowing in my ear, my hair was rubbing against his face, after he finished saying that, this piece of snow, the imposing building on the snow , the wall clocks under the eaves all followed me, rippling together. The past is so vivid. "People are not" is already a reality, but "things are" also brought me the pain of choking my breath. Before I knew it, I drank too much, and two realities were in front of me, one was emptying my wallet, and the other was losing my mind after drinking. I want to run around bars, I want to do polls, I want to run to those middle-aged and elderly people in suits and serious expressions who are drinking martinis, and ask them, are you still afraid now?Wearing tens of thousands of brand-name armor, will it protect you from harm?I would like to ask those girls who are full of fragrance and show 28 small white teeth neatly when they smile erratically, and now let you sit on the back of a Beijing boy's bicycle and roam around the alley wantonly, would you still be willing?How can it evolve into the invincible appearance it is today? I didn't do anything. Although my heart was surging, my whole body was exhausted. I could only sit on the sofa, giggling alone, watching the surrounding scenery spin around rapidly, until I became dizzy and sank into the sofa . In a daze, I answered a call, and the person on the other end said: Huang Xiaoxian, there is something I need to confirm with you... I yelled loudly: who are you? There was a brief silence over there, "I am the king..." "I know, I know! You are Wang Xiaojian!" "...Yes, that's me." "Ah! You stopped saying two words! Stop saying two words! Change three words!..." "Huang Xiaoxian, did you drink too much? "Let me tell you, I also like to say three words, "Get out of here", "Your fucker", "Dog man and woman"...they are all three words..." "Where are you?" "Where am I? Where can I go? I haven't left all the time. I'm not moving. I'm standing where I am. I'm not the one who goes first, okay? The phone hangs up. As soon as I started to talk, I was strangled in my throat. I was woken up by the waiter, his face was far and near, and his voice was very erratic, "Miss, do you think you need someone to take you home?" I said in a daze, "Take me home? Who? Are you so kind?" The waiter smiled awkwardly, "Can you still call now? Ask your friend to pick you up." I slowly took the phone and flipped through the call history, "...Wang Xiaojian...he can't do it, he's gay, are you gay? If you're gay, I'll introduce him to you...big old king...also No, this is my boss...Wei Yiran...Oh, what a pity to find such a stupid wife..." The waiter stood opposite me, even if I was drunk, I could feel his impatience, but I still couldn't control myself holding the phone and chanting names one by one. I kept saying his name, and suddenly I couldn't say anything. The waiter may have noticed my complicated expression, and when I was in a daze, he took the mobile phone and dialed the number. I was in a trance again, and someone was talking vaguely in my ears, "Hi, hello, your friend has a little too much to drink, and now he is in our store...well, the address is...." The face appeared in front of me, in the blur, only this face was the clearest, with single eyelids, thin and sharp lips, and smile lines at the corners of the eyes, it was a face that I had spent so many years pondering carefully. On this face, I have seen the most extreme smile, I have seen the gnashing of hate, I have also seen the long and boundless nostalgia.But the expression on his face at this moment was something I had never imagined. The bottom line is apology, but the top is covered with a thin layer of concern, but the backbone is the thick and solid indifference of "nothing to do with yourself". This is the expression on his face. He looked down at me, and I looked at him as hard as I could. I miss this person so much. In the past ten days, even if I haven't been thinking about it day and night, it's the kind of yearning that I shook my head desperately trying to get rid of his image, but his face is still clearly visible after all the brains are gone. He looked down at me, and I was driven by the alcohol, filled with a fluke mood, all the changes were hallucinations, in fact, nothing happened to us, nothing happened.At this moment, this second, you see the two of us are still together. I laughed, couldn't help laughing, I greeted him softly, I said, hey, you're here. I pointed to the Forbidden City to show him, look, the Forbidden City. I smiled and asked him, shall we go to the Forbidden City? He didn't say a word, just looked at me silently. I reached out and touched the corner of his shirt.He didn't move. I reached out and touched his cheek.He was indifferent. I plucked up the courage to speak and said, "Say something." He looked into my eyes, and there was no spark of convection in the distance between the four eyes. He said: Get up, I will take you home. I was not waiting for such a sentence. Walking out of the bar, I was suddenly sober when I was blown by the wind. what the hell am i doing I opened my mouth with difficulty and said, "I didn't want to trouble you." He nodded, "I know, you're not that kind of person." I stood where I was and asked him, "What do you mean by that?" He didn't look at me, but looked at the street in front of him, "You're not the kind of person who would give others a step down." "I do not understand what you're talking about." He suddenly became agitated, "Huang Xiaoxian, don't you really understand? Did the two of us get to this point by accident? Think about it carefully, after all these years of being together, every time we quarrel, it's you who say the least. I don’t even have a word of swearing, but the lethality is so powerful that I want to hit the wall and finish it all. After the quarrel, you feel comfortable. Have you ever thought about my feelings? Every time I lick my face and find a step by myself like a dog Go down! You are always high and proud, standing still. I have already reached the bottom of this flight of stairs in disgrace, and you are still standing at the highest place. I stand at the bottom, looking up at you, looking up at my neck It’s all broken, but you have never thought that you are the only one who has self-esteem among the people in the world? Otherwise, I will look up at you for the rest of my life, or simply turn around and go on with my self-esteem. Go forward. You can’t change, no one can resist your huge self-esteem; but I’m different, Xiao Xianer, I have to move forward. Having said so much, do you understand?” I still don't understand. There was a moment of silence, and I organized all kinds of words in my heart that could break the silence, but in the end, what came out of my mouth was this sentence: "I can go home by myself, you can go." The two of us, separated by a meter, the only communication is this deadly silence. Finally, he waved his hand and stopped a taxi, then opened the door and leaned against the car, "Then I'll go first." I said mechanically, "Okay", and then really involuntarily raised my head slightly. He leaned over and got into the car, and the car moved forward slowly. Late at night, on the quiet Jingshan street, I watched the taxi getting smaller and smaller in my line of sight. I suddenly understood what he just said. I chased after him and ran fast. I'm going to catch up with that car, I have something to say to him.I want to ask him, I know what I did wrong, can you be down there and wait for me for a while?I made you go down step by step without dignity. In order to punish me, I am even willing to roll all the way to your feet and sit on an equal footing with you from now on. Can you wait for me any longer? The road ahead is too dangerous. There are so many people in the world. You are my partner who makes me feel safe, please don't just give up on me, please don't give up on me. I must tell him. I no longer want the self-esteem that can be shattered with a blow, and my self-confidence is all groundless. I can let you see how humble I am now. Can you forgive me? Please forgive me. I chased all the way, yelling desperately to stop, tears flowed in large doses, I know, I am like a lunatic, this is not my intention, but there is nothing I can do. There was a red light ahead, and the taxi came to a slow stop. I saw hope, so I ran forward even harder, but at this moment, someone grabbed my shoulder from behind and grabbed me. I staggered and almost fell to the ground . I turned around angrily, and saw Wang Xiaojian who was holding my arm tightly with a calm face. I struggled to break free from his hand, crying and shouting: Let me go!I don't have time, let me go! ..." Wang Xiaojian let go of my shoulders, but before I had time to continue chasing him, he suddenly backhanded, and slapped me in the face in a real, crisp way. There was a buzzing in my ears. The torrent of blood also stopped flowing for a moment. Wang Xiaojian stared at me calmly, then asked softly, "Are you awake?" I can hear the sound of a taxi driving slowly in the silent universe, the sound disappears bluntly and slowly, and the sound is completely annihilated in a black hole that I will never be able to enter. I was silent for a long time, and finally stopped crying out of control, looked at Wang Xiaojian, and said softly, "Thank you." Yourcenar said something that I have always felt extremely mean but extremely precise: the dirtiest thing in the world is self-esteem. At this moment, I suddenly realized that even if it is dirty, I still need this shadow of self-esteem for the rest of my life.