Chapter 48 Chapter 44 Deep in the soul

Me: "Hello." She: "Finally, I finally see you!" Me: "What?" She laughed out loud: "You are a little famous, you." I was confused: "What do you mean?" She's not a patient, she's a psychiatrist, or a former psychiatrist. A friend told me the other day; a psychiatrist wants to see you.I agreed without thinking too much, because many cases were known through friends.But the person in front of me did not provide me with the case, she had other purposes. She: "I've heard about you. You go around chatting with mental patients and people with mental disabilities, and you take notes and record them in a serious manner, right?"

I scratched my head: "Well, that's right, that's right. Didn't you want to provide me with the case?" She: "I haven't been this doctor for several years." Why do I?" Her: "I found something wrong with me." Me: "What kind of question?" She: "I can not only understand the worldviews and opinions mentioned by the patients, but I also have a deep understanding, and I agree with some of them, so I started to find my own problems....Huh? I was the one who asked you, How did you change it to ask me? You are a person who speaks too well, and you have brought people in without knowing it. "

I smiled: "Why don't we ask each other, you can ask me in a while, I promise to say everything, not tense." She looked at me for a while: "Okay, I believe you, where did you ask?" Me: "You found out that something is wrong with you, so that's what happened." Her: "Well, yes, the problem. When I realized that something was wrong, I started to find my problem. It didn't take long for me to understand that it was not that I was infected or assimilated by the patients, but that I had that potential." Me: "Don't you want to say that you have the potential to be a mental patient?"

She: "Well...Let's put it this way, mental patients and mentally handicapped people are extreme manifestations. You don't say that they are sick and not smart. They are often smart, not only smart, but also beyond your comprehension The kind of smartness that is capable. And I know through work, that many mental patients are that kind of stubborn type, although they are smart..." I interrupted him: "...But their intelligence does not mean that others can accept it, and when they are not accepted, many patients can't think about it." She smiled: "Well, that's it. Many mental patients are fine before the onset, but when they suddenly think of something, they slip from one extreme to the other. A minute ago, they were happily Watch TV, stop watching it after a minute, and squat in the corner crying sadly. When you ask why, you will either get a strange answer or be rejected. Moreover, you have to deal with so many patients, you must Discovered one of their secrets."

Me: "What secret? Give me a hint?" She: "That secret is a contradiction." Me: "Oh, I see, there is such a secret, but non-mental patients also have it." She looked at me with a half smile, and I smiled and waited for her to finish laughing. She: "You are too cunning, but you are right. Is it for me, or for you?" I thought for a few seconds, just a few seconds: "The contradiction you mentioned is a sense of loneliness. Although it is painful for this, I try my best to maintain that sense of loneliness. I am often in a state of struggle. : I want others to pay attention to and care about me, but I don’t know how to contact and respond to others, so I simply refuse. But in my bones, sometimes I want to be understood, eager to be understood, eager to be paid attention to..."

This time it was her turn to interrupt me: "Even if you regret it, you still persist in resisting, and you are so contradictory that what you say in your mouth is completely opposite to what you think in your heart." I suddenly had a feeling of finding the same kind, which I had been looking forward to, but I never got it again. Most of the time, I even felt that finding a similar kind was simply a fantasy, because some things were too deep, so I had to hide them myself.No one can touch it. Seeing me stunned, she shook her hand at me: "What are you thinking about? Are you scared?"

Me: "Uh, no, it's not that I'm afraid, but that my mind is a little messed up." She: "Let me go on, for you? No, it should go on for us." I nodded. She: "That kind of struggle is completely unnecessary, and afterwards I will think: Isn't this self-inflicted? Isn't this moaning for nothing? Why can't I open my heart?" I shake my head. She: "Well, I remember a patient said: I don't bother to tell others. Are you the same?" I was very serious: "You mean, I also have a mental illness or a mental disorder?" She: "You look for those mental patients, and I chose this major for the same motive: loneliness."

I still look at her. She: "That's my own problem. Some things are in my heart. It's not that I don't say it, but I can't say it. I have tried to tell others too many times, and the evaluation I get is: Why do you think so much? You Are you sick? What's wrong with you recently? You earn money honestly, don't think about those useless things. Are you crazy? Can't you do something serious? Are you drunk? Too many times hit." Me: "So you gave up on opening the door and closed it." She: "It's still locked." Me: "Is there a turning point?"

She sighed: "Yes, when I came into contact with some patients, I found that I was actually facing myself. I believe you often feel that way too." Me: "Yes, not only the feeling of the same kind, but some patients have too profound knowledge, too perfect logic, and too firm beliefs. I often think that I am actually a person who does not have profound knowledge, perfect logic, and beliefs An unstable psychopath." she laughed. Me: "You didn't change your major because you were afraid, did you?" She: "No, there is no reason. You are now in the state when I was still a psychiatrist. It won't take long for you to understand what it means to not need a reason. "

Me: "Maybe, but I still don't know now. Then why are you looking for me?" She: "When I heard about you, when I heard about the things you did, I couldn't help being moved." Me: "Touched you?" Her: "What you did touched my soul." Me: "Will you change careers and come back?" She: "I don't know, I haven't thought about it. At that time, I felt that the possibility was very small." Me: "Ah... Well, I may need your help in the future." She looked at me for a while. I can not?" She shook her head: "No, you will know at that time, you don't need my help. When I heard about you, I also heard about your other people's worries about you. I am worried that you will have problems, that you have Some things in my heart are magnified, and I am worried that you are taking the road of no return. When I first saw you, I was also a little worried, but it’s okay now. Because you understand, you are also at ease, isn’t that right?”

Me: "Well, you also touched the depths of my soul." She leaned back in her chair and smiled meaningfully. A few days later, the friend who introduced me to her asked me: What did you guys talk about before I arrived?Just look at the two of you smiling mysteriously.You don't have crooked ideas, do you?Her husband is a policeman.I laughed and told my friends: I can't say it, it's privacy.I laughed even harder when my friend revealed in amazement that she said the same thing. But I still thank this friend seriously, because since then, I have become more at ease. I will never forget what she once told me: "Only when you do something seriously, will you discover your soul, very deep in your soul."