Chapter 53 3. Find yourself a little weird

The fighting ended without any results. Our side was killed more than 90 people and injured more than 100 people, while the 87 faction also killed more than 90 people and injured more than 100 people.It seems that no one has taken advantage of it, but lost so many lives and left behind a bombed arsenal riddled with holes.Secretary Lin Pingwen disappeared under the protection of Chen Jingqiang, and no one knew where he went. Our Baolin faction also withdrew from the arsenal, and the eyes of some old workers who sent us away were full of loneliness. I, Pang Yiqiao, and Zhao Demin have all returned to the team.Zhao Demin was lucky. The bullet grazed his lungs and pierced a hole in his body. However, it was still a serious injury and he was lying in the hospital.Yiqiao took care of him.I was also shot in the leg, but thankfully it was only a flesh wound.

But I have always had a gloomy face, and the hatred in my heart makes my chest want to explode all the time, so that every time Yiqiao sees me, she thinks I am terrible.I thought of a thousand ways how to kill Wang Shanlin, but I thought it was impossible to kill him.Moreover, I haven't met Wan Shanlin and his group for quite a long time. I couldn't sleep at night. Apart from thinking about avenging my sister, I became more and more suspicious that this world is not normal. Why do we have to fight so meaninglessly?Is it really for your own socialist ideas?My sister's death is directly related to Wang Shanlin, but isn't this world responsible at all?The dead comrades around me, including those from the 87 faction, who committed the crime?What crime did he commit?To get this end?

I will recall the historical stories and Chinese culture that my mother told me. Now it seems that all these things that have been handed down from generation to generation in China need to be overthrown and knocked down, because those are the evil old society, the evil feudalism, A legacy of capitalism.Our minds seem to build on new foundations, but what I see is destruction, destruction, and destruction, and nothing new seems to be built.But is the world really crazy?Is there no one to benefit from this destruction?I think there is a problem. It seems that some people are secretly proud of our experience, and some people hope that we will live in chaos and despair.

Probably because of my sister's death, I felt like I was a little bit out of the revolutionary line, because I started to have serious doubts about whether I was doing the right thing or not.I have been very smart since I was a child, and I became even smarter after the age of 10, but I deliberately did not let my grades be particularly good, and I kept my grades around the top 10 in the class every time.Because my nickname is Little Landlord, if my grades are too good, I will be more isolated by my classmates from poor children.I understood this at an early age. When I recovered from the month-long pain, a sentence seemed to be imprinted in my mind: the world is strangling the murderous ego and subverting the human mind.This world is going to take us to another place.

What followed was the day of arresting the murderer. It is said that those who killed people in combat and injured people must be punished.I think it's just nonsense. The Paulin faction all pointed their fingers at the 87 faction, saying that they killed so and so. Similarly, the 87 faction continued to expose our comrades.I was also one of them who was exposed by the 87 faction.Of course, I also exposed Wang Shanlin and Wan Haitao, but it was also useless. In that era when everyone is very sensitive to politics, you'd better not wander the streets alone, and it's better not to carry a sack, a big bag or a cart with things on the street, because it is very likely that you will be exposed immediately You are carrying a dead person or hiding a murder.Once you are caught, it is very likely that you will be hard-pressed, and the death of some people will be pushed on your head.

Unfortunately, some people who are not very good, not from the 87 faction and the Baolin faction, who have seen the excitement of fighting, and who may have fired twice have become the final scapegoats. After a period of trouble, some things were left alone. The comrades who died in the fighting were buried in two different cemeteries. Later, the revolutionary committees in the province continued to send commissioners to mediate the conflicts between the fighting parties. Although everyone still hated some people on the other side, but under the premise of the revolution and the great needs.The Baolin faction and the 87 faction reconciled, and the two factions were also abolished.

Zhao Demin didn't get out of bed until he lay in bed for 3 months.The body recovered well, but a huge scar was left on one side of the body, which was the memorial left by the bullet.Pang Yiqiao also became a stranger to me, she seemed to prefer being with Zhao Demin.I know that I have been in a bad mood for the past few months, and I don't talk to Pang Yiqiao. Even if we meet, I still talk too much. Yiqiao must be angry with me.Zhao Demin has been taken care of by Yiqiao for several months, and he looks embarrassed every time he sees Yiqiao, but Yiqiao is more generous than Zhao Demin, and takes the initiative to talk to Zhao Demin.Moreover, every time the three of us met, Zhao Demin immediately found a reason to leave Yiqiao and me a chance to be alone.

I don't think Yiqiao looks right at Zhao Demin, and sometimes even loses her temper with me inexplicably.I wondered in my heart if Yiqiao fell in love with Zhao Demin, but when I thought of the words Yiqiao said to me during the fight, I felt that I was being supercilious.When a girl is angry, she will accompany her more and apologize, and it will pass.A few months later, Yiqiao seemed to have her heart back to me.I have hinted to Yiqiao many times that I like her, but she didn't reply, she just smiled happily at me and changed the topic to other places. In 1969, I finally met Wang Shanlin directly. He seemed to be living a happy and happy life. The Red Guards of the brigade cheered and hugged him, and Wan Haitao and the hooligans also seemed to be in high spirits.

Wang Shanlin saw me and Zhao Demin writing big-character posters from a distance, and even ran over here. I was not angry with him at all, Zhao Demin pulled me a few times, so that I didn't rush forward and fight Wang Shanlin desperately. Wang Shanlin said: "Zhao Yajun, you are from the advanced brigade, right? Hehe, the advanced brigade, why did someone like you get in here?" When I heard that, I wanted to rush forward and desperately, but was stopped by Zhao Demin. Then Wang Shanlin took those 16-17-year-old children away again. Before leaving, Wan Haitao said harshly: "Zhao Yajun, be careful."

I found out later that Wang Shanlin is now the deputy director of the rebel faction in Songjiang District. He said that he had made great contributions, and now he has become a celebrity in Chen Jingqiang's eyes. He said he wanted to focus on cultivation. Sure enough, after seeing Wang Shanlin that time, Wang Shanlin's status in the South China Sea seemed to be getting higher and higher. Several times in the massacre rally, he saw Wang Shanlin's gang of hooligans standing majestically next to Chen Jingqiang, shouting Whoever brought the capitalist roaders came up, and whoever brought the counter-revolutionaries came up.Wang Shanlin led everyone to shout slogans, and I had to shout along with them, which made me feel suffocated and extremely uncomfortable.

In 1969, his younger brother Zhao Yaren followed the call and went to the countryside in Hubei as an educated youth.Since then there has been no news of him.The mother is very sad, because the mother has always loved her brother very much.Since the younger brother exposed his father with his sister in 1966, his personality has become worse and worse, and he often goes home with a smile on his face. After my younger brother left, my father was taken out of the cowshed in the countryside of Nanhai for unknown reasons and returned to Nanhai. However, waiting for my father's endless criticism meeting, every morning my father would hang a huge sign saying counter-revolutionary and spy Zhao Qingtu to sweep the street.This made me feel very uncomfortable, because my father returned to Nanhai, and some comrades in our brigade looked at me more and more strangely. The main one who criticized my father was Wang Shanlin. My father was dragged to various agencies, factories, and schools to be criticized, and he was also paraded in the streets.I don't know if this was arranged by Wang Shanlin, and when I saw my father being held on the platform to fly the plane, and the people around us were yelling frantically, "Down, down."I always recalled the scene where I slapped my father and yelled after them. My tears were always about to flow down, and I held back again and again.The death of my sister made me feel that my father was so fragile and pitiful, and my father's love for me has always been in my mind. I looked at my father's gray hair, his body bowed at 90 degrees, I was so scared, very scared, afraid that my father would just fall to the ground and leave us. Wang Shanlin, the rascal, always smiled triumphantly, as if he was laughing at me for not being able to take revenge.Under this kind of inner torture, every day when I was alone, I always tortured my body hard. I cut, stabbed, burned my body with cigarette butts, and used these flesh and blood pain to divert myself a little. attention. But, I don't know why, my body always recovers quickly, and a wound can heal quickly, and some even don't even leave a scar. Since I was sensible, my life has been like a nightmare, with ups and downs of emotions, sadness, despair, madness, suspicion, hatred, why do all kinds of extreme things happen to me?Moreover, I feel that the more emotional I am, the better my body is, as if something is growing in my body.I don't know if this is my hallucination, I feel like something is really growing inside me. Wang Shanlin's influence in the South China Sea is also growing. Chen Jingqiang once held a meeting on many occasions to call on everyone to learn from Wang Shanlin and emulate Wang Shanlin.I don't know why this murderer, rapist, and hooligan can thrive in this world, like a fish in water.Wang Shanlin can't recognize a basket of characters that should be too big. His mind is full of dirty and ugly things, and now he has become a role model for everyone to learn from.I don't know if there will be any sense of shame and morality in this world if everyone becomes like Wang Shanlin. Zhao Demin is also like me, and Zhao Demin and I really became friends who can talk about everything. I started to discuss with him whether we were doing right, what happened to China, and what we needed.However, we couldn't find the answer, and we just felt that we were already in a huge whirlpool, and we couldn't extricate ourselves at all.Zhao Demin once asked me if I would surrender if the Taiwanese came to fight. Although I shook my head, I think I might surrender. It seems that only in this way can I take revenge on my sister and save me father. The bad news came again in 1970. My father died, and he died when he was lying alone at night in a house with wind and rain leaking everywhere.I was discovered by the young revolutionary generals in the morning, and my father was also defined as committing suicide in fear of crime. I didn't see my father for the last time. When I saw my father, he had been cremated, and his ashes were held in a rotten jar by a crying mother.My father can't be buried in any cemetery, and even the ashes were supposed to be scattered, but my mother pleaded like crazy, and finally kept this little bit of ashes. My sister didn't know where she was going for a long time. When she left Nanhai, she didn't even leave a word. She only knew that she had gone to the northwest to find her new life. My father was buried on a small hill beside the city, and several counter-revolutionary spies who my father had fought with before accompanied my mother to bury my father.I didn't go that day because the brigade wanted to organize a study.When I got home, my mother slapped me loudly when she saw me, saying that I was not a human being but a beast. I stood there blankly for a long time, my heart was bleeding.Seeing my mother curled up in the corner of the table crying, I don't know what to do, I dare not say the words that I miss my father, because if I say something to be heard or my sad tears are seen by others, I am very sad. He may be exposed to the brigade, lose his identity as a Red Guard, and be labeled as a spy, the son of a spy, in the end.I felt extremely uncomfortable, and wanted to yell or cry crazily, but I suppressed, controlled, and endured it.I don't know why, but I feel that there is something in my body that is getting stronger and stronger, and I even feel that this thing is a tangible thing.This thing seems to be absorbing something, and as soon as I am in this state, the feeling of this thing becomes stronger. I must be a hard-working person. One month after my father passed away, I actually saw Zhao Demin and Pang Yiqiao secretly together, and I saw Yiqiao smiling very sweetly, and Zhao Demin was also very happy.I didn't bother them, I leaned against the wall, listening to the two of them teasing and talking in the corner, I hated it so much, Zhao Demin also betrayed me!Yiqiao also betrayed me!I roared in a low voice, I really wanted to rush out and beat Zhao Demin, but I held back.Tears couldn't be held back any longer, welling up in her eyes, she ran away from the place where Zhao Demin and Pang Yiqiao were flirting. The next day, Zhao Demin appeared in front of me as if nothing had happened.I ignored him, Zhao Demin felt that I was a little weird, followed me and asked me if something happened to me. I shouted: "Zhao Demin, don't follow me!" Zhao Demin said: "Yajun, what's wrong?" I continued to yell: "Get out, don't you know why I am doing this?" Zhao Demin said: "I don't know, I don't know!" I turned around and pushed Zhao Demin hard: "Zhao Demin, you have a way. From today on, I don't know you, and you don't know me either." Zhao Demin was staggered by my push, stepped back a few steps, and still wanted to come over. I pointed at his nose and cursed: "Come here again and be careful, I'm not polite to you!" Zhao Demin stood there with a suspicious expression on his face, I glared at him a few times, turned around and was about to run away. Zhao Demin suddenly shouted from behind: "Yajun, you misunderstood, Yiqiao and I just met by chance last night!" I stopped, turned around, and suddenly an unknown karma surged up, rushed forward and punched Zhao Demin hard, knocking him to the side. Zhao Demin also shouted: "Zhao Yajun, you are crazy, you want to fight, don't you!" I shouted: "I'm crazy, what's the matter, come on! Come on!" Then I rushed towards Zhao Demin again. Zhao Demin resisted twice, and finally fought back, and the two wrestled together. People around came around, some ran over to start a fight, but others shouted: "Hit, hit, hit hard!" I was pulled away with blood hanging from my nose, and Zhao Demin's nose was also bleeding. I yelled: "Let go of me, let me kill this bastard." Zhao Demin was also pulled by someone, shouting: "Come on! If you have the guts, come!" Just when the two of us were about to be pulled apart, a person rushed in, it was Pang Yiqiao. I thought that Pang Yiqiao would run to me, but I didn't expect that Pang Yiqiao gave me a bitter look, and ran to Zhao Demin, and asked how Zhao Demin was with concern. Zhao Demin said, "It's okay." Pang Yiqiao turned around Turning around, looking at me, I actually scolded: "Zhao Yajun, you are a bastard!" This scolding made me completely sober, and I had already lost Pang Yiqiao's love. I was silent for a while, and my body softened. I didn't want to say anything, but when I heard Pang Yiqiao asking how Zhao Demin was doing again, a surge of anger rose in my heart. Zhao Demin rushed over. There was chaos, I was pulled and blocked by a large group of people, my eyes were blood red, I cursed all kinds of obscenities, I was jumping and jumping like a madman, going to beat Zhao Demin.Pang Yiqiao's sharp crying and scolding came from time to time, but I couldn't hear a word she said. Finally, I was locked in a room by the brigade. Many people knew that I was fighting for women, because the brigade always knew that Pang Yiqiao and I were a couple.I sat on the ground and cried out.It's over, I'm over for everything... I just have one thought in my head, I'm going to die, I don't want to live anymore. The captain came to talk to me, and I dealt with it listlessly, and I also said that I fought Zhao Demin just because of Pang Yiqiao.In this era, love cannot be placed in a high position, and marriages are only combined because of the revolution.It is a serious mistake to beat revolutionary comrades with such foul language in broad daylight.Anyway, I want to die, and I have no scruples. But I couldn't die, I was locked up, all the tools that could kill me were removed, there was no bed, only a piece of rotten cotton wool on the floor.What's more, they didn't give me food, let me go hungry for two days, and I lost all strength, so I was released. Several instructors took turns giving me revolutionary education classes, such as revolutionary friendship, uniting comrades, not ruining my future for the sake of love and so on. I clearly heard one instructor say something to the other when he left: "His father is Zhao Qingtu, the son of a landlord, so it's no wonder that there are some troubles." I didn't react when I heard that, yes, I It's Zhao Qingtu's son, the landlord's son, so what's wrong with me?Is the son of a landlord not a human being? The bad consequences of my fights are still continuing. I made a deep inspection in the team and accepted criticism from the whole team.Moreover, I have to reflect deeply for a month. During this month, I cannot participate in any activities of the brigade, nor can I work.You can't eat with everyone, you have to wait until everyone has finished eating.And everyone looked at me more and more strangely. I once saw Yiqiao from a distance, but Yiqiao ran away as soon as she saw me.I also saw Zhao Demin, but he didn't come over, and I didn't want to go there either.I was isolated... Some people began to whisper and talk about my identity, and the eyes they cast were all malicious. And my mother actually passed away at this time, she died on the construction site, because my mother was also a black five, and had to participate in heavy physical labor in order to have food, it is said that she never stood up again after a fall . My tears were gone, and I held my mother's ashes blankly, and according to my mother's will, I buried her next to my father's grave by myself.That was the first time I went to my father's cemetery. If it weren't for the huge ginkgo tree next to my father's cemetery, my father's cemetery is so small that no one can find it. There is only a small grave with a stone lying on it. In front of the grave, the words Zhao Qingtu were written in charcoal ash, and it was also blurred. After I finished burying my mother, it started to rain heavily.The sky was dark, the leaves were rustling, and the dense raindrops drowned me alone. I don't know how I got back, and I almost passed out at home as soon as I got back.It took a long time to get up.Then there was a serious illness, a high fever, burning hot all over, some comrades in the team sympathized with me and brought me some food, the team leader also visited once and brought me some medicine.However, the illness lasted for a full week, and then suddenly recovered. Since then, the feeling of being watched before I was 16 has returned.Wherever I am, I feel like I'm being watched, and it's obvious and intense, and the less crowded the place the more obvious it is. I think it might be because of the continuous blows that I am not mentally normal. And my body began to change...