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Chapter 24 Chapter Twenty-Four

"Uh, Captain..." "What's the matter, number one?" "There's something like a report from number two." "Oh my God!" Sitting high on the bridge of the spaceship, the captain looked out at the space that stretched to infinity, feeling slightly sullen.He lay beneath a broad hemispherical bubble, with a vast star panorama ahead and above him, on which the planets orbited—a panorama which had grown much thinner during the voyage.Turning around and looking back, past the huge two-mile-long ship, he could see a much denser constellation of stars behind them, almost forming a solid ribbon.This is the view from the center of the galaxy where they are sailing and have been for several years.As for the sailing speed, he can't remember clearly at the moment, but he knows that the speed is very fast.The speed is close to the speed of something or the other, or it is several times the speed of the other' In short, it is very impressive.He peered into the bright area behind the ship, looking for something.He does this every few minutes and never finds what he's looking for - but he doesn't feel lost.The scientist dudes have been pretty adamant that if no one freaked out—everyone methodically pushed their little bit forward—everything would be as good as it gets.

Yuzu, he didn't panic.So far, he thinks everything is going pretty well.He wiped his shoulders with a large porous sponge.He just remembered that he was feeling a little sullen because of something just now.So, what happened, a soft cough reminded him that the captain of the spaceship was still standing nearby. Good man, number one.Although he is not very smart, and even has difficulty tying his shoelaces, he is definitely a good adjutant when it comes to handling affairs.It takes a lot of effort to get your own shoelaces, and some people will kick them, but the captain is not that kind of person.Number One wasn't like the pale Number Two, who strutting around all day, wiping his buttons, and coming every hour to report: "The ship is moving on, Captain," "The course is stable, Captain", "Oxygen level is stable, Captain".The captain's order is usually, "Don't worry about it."Oh, yes, that's what annoyed him just now.He looks at number one.

"Captain, what is he yelling about and caught a few people?" The captain thought about it.It might sound like an unlikely event, but he's not one to berate his subordinates all the time. "Well, maybe it'll cheer him up," he said. "Isn't he always trying to catch a few?" Prefect Ford and Arthur Dent trudged through the ship's seemingly never-ending corridors.No. 2 walked right behind them, yelling at them from time to time, warning them not to behave dishonestly.It looked like they had passed at least a mile of continuous brown burlap wallpaper before finally arriving at a large iron gate.After Number Two yelled something at it, the door slid open.

They go in. To Prefect Ford and Arthur Dent, the most striking thing about the dirigible's bridge was not that it was covered by a fifty-foot-diameter hemispherical vault covered with dazzling stars— —to those who had dined at the restaurant at the end of the universe, such sights were all too common; nor were the circular walls round them crowded with inexplicable instruments, to Arthur, Spaceships are meant to be like this: and to Ford, these things are too ancient - which also strengthens his suspicion that the stunt ships of the "disaster zone" sent them back from their own time At least a million years (if not two million).

No, not that, it was the tub that really blew their minds. Resting on a six-foot-high plinth made of rough blue crystal, the tub is a baroque monstrosity seen in horses.The messy pipes inside it are highlighted with gold leaf instead of being buried inside, like burying a corpse in a grave in the dead of night; the faucet and shower head are made into monsters, as if they are about to jump look like: For being the most prominent thing on a ship's bridge, it's just too nondescript.Moreover, the bathtub was in agony at this moment, and the people inside knew that number two was approaching.

"Captain, sir!" Number Two shouted a few words through clenched teeth - this is a difficult skill, but after several years of practice, he has mastered it perfectly. A large kindly face and a kindly foamy arm poke out from the rim of the gigantic tub. "Oh, hello, number two," greeted the captain, dancing a sponge cheerfully, "how are you today," No. 2, who had already stood at attention, unexpectedly made a "beep" and stood at attention further. "I've escorted the two prisoners I found in cryogenic chamber seven, sir!" he croaked.

Ford and Arthur coughed a few times in a panic, "Um... hello," they said. The captain looked at them, so No. 2 really found two prisoners.Well, whatever, the captain thought, seeing a subordinate doing what he does best is a good thing after all. "Sniff, hello," he said to them, "excuse me for not getting up. Just a quick scrub. Now, some Keenan Tonlix for all of you here. Number one, find in the fridge Find." "Yes, sir." It is a wonderful fact that no one knows how significant it is, that eighty-five percent of the known worlds of the galaxy, whether in their primitive or highly developed stages, have invented a drink called Keenan Tonlix, or Kienan Tonlix. Entix, or Genodnix, or one of a thousand or more variations on this same phonetic theme: the drinks themselves are not S, which is plain water served just slightly warmer than room temperature, all the way up to Jagulakaka's "Kean Antonix," which blasts a cow into a hundred pieces .In fact, the only thing all of these drinks have in common (besides the close sounding names) is that they were all invented and named before their worlds were connected to any other.

What does this fact indicate?Drinks with similar pronunciations appeared in completely isolated worlds.This doesn't fit any theory in structural linguistics, yet it shows up.The older generation of structural linguists was outraged that younger structural linguists were involved in this topic.The younger structural linguists get so excited about the problem that they work on it all night, convinced they're getting very close to something of extreme importance, until eventually they become the older generation of structural linguists, too, and they're interested in the young People are very angry.Structural linguistics is a discipline struggling with division and misfortune, and a large number of its practitioners can only use "Iantoligus" to relieve their depression.

Two stood in front of the captain's bathtub, shaking with defeat. "Aren't you going to interrogate these prisoners, sir," he yelled in protest. The captain stared at him in bewilderment. "Why should I, for Golga Flintham's sake," he asked. "Get information from them, sir! Find out why they're here!" "Oh, no, no, no," said the captain, "I suppose the reason they're here must be to have a Keenan Tonlix, don't you, gentlemen?" "But, sir, they are my prisoners! I must interrogate them!" The captain looked at them uncertainly.

"All right," he said, "if you insist. Ask them what they want to drink." A gleam of cool light flashed in No. 2's eyes.He walked slowly up to Prefect Ford and Arthur Dent. "Well, you scumbags," he growled, "gangsters..." He pointed the vaporizer at Ford. "Calm down, number two," the captain admonished gracefully. "What do you want to drink?" Two screamed. "Oh, I think Keenan Tonricks sounds good," said Ford. "And you, Arthur?" Arthur blinked. "What? Oh, um, yes," he said. "Do you want more ice?" No. 2 growled.

"Oh, sure," said Ford. "Where's the lemon?" "Yes, thanks," said Ford. "And, do you have any of those biscuits? You know, the ones with cheese." "I'm the one asking the question!" Howled No. 2, shaking with anger. "Well, number two!" said the captain gently. "Sir!" "Can you just step away, you're doing a great job, but now I want to relax and take a shower." Number Two's eyes began to shrink into what the killing business called "cold slits."The intention is presumably to give your opponent the impression that you've lost your mirror, or are too drunk to keep your eyes open.However, why does this make the other party feel afraid?Until now, this has remained an unsolved problem. He walked up to the captain, his (number two's) mouth tightened into a thin line.Why this would be interpreted as a frightening expression is also open to answering.Imagine if you were traveling through the jungles of Turtor and suddenly ran into the fabled Ravenous Monster head-on, and its mouth was tightly compressed into a thin line instead of showing its usual mouth full of teeth, then you must have a reason Fortunately. "Can I remind you, sir," Number Two hissed to the captain, "you've been in this tub for over three years?!" After firing the last shot, Number Two turned around, and Big He walked to a corner and began to practice the movement of projecting eyes in front of the mirror. The captain stirred in his bathtub, and gave Captain Ford a wry smile. "Oh, with a job like mine, you need to relax," he said. Ford slowly lowered his hands that were raised above his head, a move that provoked little reaction.Arthur let it go too. Very slowly and carefully, Ford moved to the base of the bathtub.He patted it. "This bathtub is really nice." He was lying. He didn't know if the grin was safe or not.Very slowly, carefully, he grinned.It's safe. "Well," he said to the captain. "What?" said the captain. "I wonder," said Ford, "may I ask what your job, er, exactly, actually, is?" A hand patted his shoulder, and he turned around. It's the first mate. "Your drink," he said. "Smell, thanks," said Ford.He and Arthur took Keenan Tonricks.Arthur took a sip of his share, surprised to find that it tasted very much like whiskey and soda. "I mean, I can't help noticing," Ford said, taking a sip too, "those bodies. Those in the cargo hold." "Corpse?" said the captain in surprise. Ford paused for a moment, thinking for himself.Nothing should be taken for granted, he thought.Was it possible that the captain didn't know that his ship contained fifteen million dead bodies? The captain was nodding cheerfully at him while playing with a rubber duck. Ford looked around.Two was staring at him in the mirror, but only for a brief moment: his eyes were constantly moving.And the first mate just stood there, holding a drink tray, smiling kindly. "Corpse?" repeated the captain. Ford licked his lips. "Yeah," he said, "those dead phone sanitizers, account executives, you know, down there in the cargo hold." The captain looked at him, suddenly raised his head, and laughed. "Oh, they're not dead," he said. "Jesus, no, that's not it, they're just frozen. They'll wake up." Ford did something he rarely did.He blinked. Arthur seemed to break out of his trance. "You mean you have a whole cargo hold of frozen hairdressers?" he said. "Oh, yes," said the captain, "millions. Hairdresser, TV producer, insurance salesman, officer, bodyguard, public relations manager, consultant, you name it. We To colonize another planet." Ford shook very slightly. "Exciting, isn't it?" said the captain. "What, with these people?" said Arthur. "Hey, don't get me wrong," said the captain, "we're just one ship in a whole fleet of Arks. You see, we're Ark 'B'. Excuse me, could you please fill me with some hot water, " Arthur obeyed.Then, a stream of pink and frothy water began to swirl around the bathtub, and the captain let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you very much, my dear chap. Of course, don't forget to get yourself some extra drink," Ford gulped down his drink, took the bottle from the mate's tray, and refilled his glass. "What is," he said, "the 'B' Ark?" "Here it is," replied the captain, happily pushing the duck up and down in the foamy water. "Yes," said Ford, "but—" "Well, the thing is," said the captain, "our planet, our world, is doomed, so to speak." "destroy?" "Oh, yes. So everyone's idea is to put everyone in a giant spaceship and live on another planet." After telling so much of his story, he leaned back and let out a contented grunt. "You mean one that is not doomed?" Arthur blurted out: "What did you say, dear chap?" "A planet that is not doomed. You intend to settle there?" "Grate to settle, yes. So, we decided to build a spaceship, you see, this ark in space, and... I didn't bother you?" "No, no," said Ford firmly, "that's an interesting story." "You know," the captain said, taking the card, "it's a pleasure to have a chance to talk to other people." Number Two's scorching gaze swept across the room again, then back to the mirror, like a pair of flies taking a brief break from their favorite piece of rotten meat that has been sitting there for a month, and then returning. "There's always going to be a big problem on a voyage like this," the captain continued, "and you end up talking to yourself all the time, and it's pretty boring because half the time, you know you What is the next sentence going to say?" "Only half the time?" Arthur asked in surprise The captain thought for a moment. "Yes, I think, about half. Anyway—where's the soap," he said, swimming around to find the soap. "Yes ... anyway," he went on, "the plan is this: the first ship, the 'A' ship, takes all the brilliant leaders, scientists, great artists...you know, all the accomplished people ;then comes the first ship, or the 'C' ship, which carries all those people who actually work, the people who make things; People, those 'medium' people, you get it?" He smiled merrily at them, "We were the first to go." He finished his introduction and started humming a little bath tune. This ditty, written for him by the most exciting and prolific rhymer writer in his world (he is currently sleeping in a cabin between 1,600 and 3,900 yards behind them), just covers up The awkward silence that might ensue.Ford and Arthur shuffled, avoiding each other's eyes nervously. "Well," said Arthur after a while, "so what's wrong with your planet?" "Oh, it's doomed, as I said," said the captain, "and it's about to crash into the sun or something. Or, it could be that the moon is about to crash into our planet. It's something like that anyway. It's definitely a horrible sight, no matter what it is." "Oh," said the first mate suddenly, "I heard that planet Xing is about to be attacked by a huge swarm of two-foot-long killer bees. Isn't it?" Number Two turned around, with a cold gleam in his eyes, which was the result of a lot of practice. "That's not what I heard!" he hissed. "My commander told me that the entire planet was in imminent danger of being eaten by a gigantic mutant stargoat." "Really?" said Ford. "Yes! A colossal monster from hell, whose scythe-like teeth are ten thousand miles long, whose breath shall boil the seas, whose claws shall uproot the continents, whose thousand eyes are like The flaming sun, whose jaws are a million miles wide, a monster, you never...never...never..." "They decided to send you first, didn't they?" asked Arthur. "Oh, yes," said the captain, "well, everyone said that, I think, and thought it would be really nice. Let the whole populace feel that they're going to a new planet where they can get great haircuts, and here's The electricity will also be adequate. Clean - that's very important." "Oh, sure," Ford said approvingly, "it must be very important. And the other two ships, um...they're following you, aren't they?" "Hey, uh, I really think it's a bit strange when you say it." He frowned slightly at Ford's chief, and said, "Since we set off five years ago, we haven't heard from them...but they must be It's somewhere behind us." His eyes turned into the distance. Ford followed him, frowning thoughtfully. "Unless, of course," he said softly, "they get eaten by that goat." "Oh, yeah," said the captain, a hint of hesitation creeping into his voice, "goat" his eyes flicked across the bridge's array of gauges and computers, which flickered innocently at him.He stared at the stars outside, but none of them could talk.He glanced at his first and second mates, who also seemed lost in their own thoughts.He glanced again at Prefect Ford and found him raising his eyebrows at himself. "It's an interesting thing, you know," said the captain at last, "but since it comes to the subject, . . . I mean, do you have any thoughts, Number One," "Hmm, um, um, um, um..." No. 1 didn't know what to say. "Sniff," said Ford, "I can see you have a lot to discuss. Thanks for the drinks, then. If the captain can find the nearest convenient planet to put us down on..." "Oh, you see, that's not going to work," said the captain. "Our trajectory was pre-set before we left Golga Flintham, partly because I'm not very good with numbers. on the go..." "You're saying we're stuck on this ship," cried Ford.Suddenly, he didn't want to play charades anymore. "When will you get to the planet you want to colonize?" "Oh, we're almost there, I think," said the captain, "anytime. In fact, it's probably about time I got out of this tub too. Oh, but who knows, why while I'm getting comfortable stop?" "So we're going to land soon?" Arthur asked: "Well, it's not 'landing', in fact, it can't be said to be landing, no, um..." "What the hell are you talking about?" snapped Ford. "Well," said the captain, choosing his words carefully, "I think, from my memory, we were programmed to crash there." "Crash?" exclaimed Ford and Arthur. "Well, yes," said the captain, "yes, it was part of the plan, I think. There was an excellent reason for the arrangement, but I don't quite remember it now. Something to do with um... " Ford finally broke out. "You're a bunch of good-for-nothing lunatics!" he cried. "Oh, yes, that's it." The captain smiled, "That's the reason."
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